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Retro	By : GeorgeGlass Category: +G through L > Glitch Techs Views: 1704 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Glitch Techs or its characters. I earned no money by writing this story.

Chapter List
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Retro
by George Glass
Summary: At Glitch Techs HQ, Miko and Five accidentally un-quarantine five glitches from Hinobi's classic adult games, throwing themselves and their fellow techs into a world of old-timey erotic mayhem.
Note: If you are so kind as to review this story, I’ll respond to your review here: https://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/topic/65986-george-glass-fanfic-review-response-thread/
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Chapter 1: Good Luck With That
It was a Wednesday afternoon, and Miko and Five were out on patrol in their tech van. It was turning out to be a slow day; they'd hit the streets almost immediately after starting work an hour earlier, and the van's sensors had yet to detect a single glitch. So Miko was filling the time by regaling Five with the story of her gaming session with Zahra the night before.
“...so we switch to playing Zombietron in co-op mode, and we get matched with these two randos for the party. And we're not even five minutes into the first scenario when these guys go, 'Hey, you wanna do PvP?' And I'm like, “Dude, if you wanted to do PvP, why did you join our party in the first place?' Then Zahra switches to private chat and says, 'Let's do it, we can crush these guys,' and we totally did! By the way, you know she's into you, right?”
Five had been giving Miko's story about one third of his attention up to that point, devoting the remaining two thirds to scanning for even the faintest sign of glitch activity. But suddenly, his focus was entirely on Miko, and he whipped his head around to look at her.
“Wait, what?” Five sputtered.
“She kept asking questions about you at random moments. Not just about what games you're into, but weird stuff, like whether you talk about her when we're on patrol. Oh, and she asked me straight up if I'm into you. I told her no as soon as I stopped laughing.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Anyway, so after we pwned those guys, we were all like-”
Suddenly, the map that typically showed on the van's main screen vanished, and the image of BITT, their HQ's resident helper bot, appeared in its place.
“Miko and Five,” BITT said with his usual halting cadence. “Please return to headquarters immediately for an urgent assignment.”
“Urgent assignment?” Five repeated.
“What kind of urgent-? Oh,” Miko said as BITT's face promptly vanished from the screen.
The tech van soon returned them to HQ. Their boss, the burly, bearded, and perpetually grumpy Phil Altier, was waiting for Five and Miko when they came through the door from the garage.
“You two,” he said, “get down to level three, stat. Mitch will brief you when you get there.”
“What's going on?” Five asked.
“Will we need any special weapons?” Miko asked. “Gear? Power-ups?”
“What part of 'stat' confuses you?” Phil barked. “Get going already!”
***
Barely a minute later, Miko and Five rushed out of the stairwell and into the large, gray-walled space that constituted much of level three. The area housed rows and rows of server towers, each one with a screen that displayed data about the server's contents. Zahra, Haneesh, Bergy, and Nix were each inspecting a different screen.
“We're here,” Five said. “What's going on?”
Zahra looked up from her screen and only managed to half-suppress her smile as she replied, “Oh, hey, Five. Phil told us to go through these old files and make sure they’re glitch-free before BITT sends them to off-site storage.”
“What?” Miko exclaimed. “BITT said this was urgent! And Phil used the word 'stat!'“
“Well,” Bergy said, “these servers are needed for an incoming data dump.”
“And,” Haneesh added, “if there isn't enough free storage when the data arrives, Phil will have to borrow space at the Hinobi store in Dabney, and you can guess how much he'd rather not ask them for favors.”
“And you guys have been doing this all morning?” Miko asked, silently thanking her lucky stars not to have been given such a monstrously tedious assignment—at least until now.
“Well,” Nix replied, glancing pointedly past Miko's shoulder, “it would be going faster if everyone was pitching in.”
“I’ve told you, I’m supervising,” Mitch replied. He was sitting behind a desk with his feet up, and now he leaned back and laced his fingers behind his head. “Someone has to make sure you noobs don’t miss something and turn a glitch loose on the offsite data-sitters. Those poor sods probably have their hands full not dying of boredom.”
Five came up behind Bergy and looked over his shoulder at the files the poofy-haired tech was inspecting.
“Wow,” Five said. “Some of this looks really old.”
“If these files were any more ancient,” Bergy replied, “they’d be coded in runes.”
Miko, walking slowly along and looking at the various screens, said, “Huh—eight seconds and I'm already terminally bored. I think that's a personal best.”
“You know,” Five said, “there might be a faster way to go through all this stuff.”
Haneesh perked up. “Oh yeah?”
“A lot of BITT's source code is backed up on the Hinobi mainframe,” Five said, starting to tap controls on his tech gauntlet. “I think I can access some of his glitch-detection algorithms and put them to work on these files. If it works, we could be finished with this and back on patrol in fifteen minutes. And…there, I think we're good to go!”
“I’m not sure that’s a great idea,” Bergy said. “If there are any glitches in these old files, couldn't connecting these servers to the mainframe set them free?”
“I know Bergy is easily creeped,” Nix said, “but he might have a point there. I mean, if using BITT’s code was a good idea, you’d think Phil would have sent BITT to do this in the first place.”
“Oh, come on,” Mitch groused. “How risky can it be? Even if we let them out, any glitches in these dusty old files will be easy to take down. Just run the algorithm already so I don't have to keep babysitting you button-mashers.”
Looking up from his gauntlet, Five said, “Honestly, maybe I shouldn't-”
“-do it!” Miko shouted, stabbing the activation button on Five's gauntlet screen.
All the server screens suddenly became far more active as Five's borrowed algorithms searched through file after file at lightning speed, marking each one as safe and moving on to the next in a matter of milliseconds. But then the words GLITCH DETECTED appeared on one screen, and then another and another, and before the techs could even look around to see how many screens were displaying this message, everything was obscured by a yellow electric crackle that arced from server to server until it filled the air, obscuring everything.
All the yellow lightning abruptly vanished, and the room was quiet for a moment. Then, on every server screen, Phil's face appeared. He looked a bit younger, suggesting that this video had been made several years earlier.
“If you’re watching this recording,” Phil said, “then you're the idiot who just released five glitches that have been safely contained for decades.”
“Whoops,” Five murmured.
“So if you’re not being fired as we speak,” Phil continued, “you’d better get all five glitches back into containment before your supervisor finds out.” He leaned toward the camera and glowered menacingly as he added, “Especially if your supervisor is me.” Miko swallowed.
“Now,” Phil continued, “four of these are garden-variety glitches. But the fifth is a meta-mapper glitch, which is gonna create a new layer of problems for you.”
“We've dealt with a mapper glitch before,” Five said, “but what's a meta-mapper glitch?
“Being an idiot,” Phil continued, “you probably have no idea what a meta-mapper glitch is. The meta-mapper works in symbiosis with other glitches, creating environments in which each glitch can do its thing. And since these particular glitches are from Hinobi's 'adult games' collection…back when somebody thought that was a good idea…the thing they do will probably be you. So, good luck with that.”
Phil’s image vanished from the screen.
“Maybe we've got time to stop this before it starts,” Five said to the others. “I mean, the meta-mapper hasn't-”
Suddenly, all the other techs disappeared. As did the sterile white walls and rows of servers that had surrounded Five. For a moment, the entire world around him was featureless white.
“Aw, crud,” Five breathed.
In an instant, the world around him became colorful—far more so than the server room. Wherever Five was now, it definitely wasn't the real world, and Five wasn't quite wearing his real-world clothing. When he looked down at the tan-colored ground beneath his feet, he saw that he was wearing a crude facsimile of cowboy boots, complete with spurs. And when he looked up at the blue sky with its sunset-pink clouds, he noticed the brim of a cowboy hat surrounding his head.
The ground was featureless and was the exact same color everywhere. The clouds were blocky and all the same shape, much like the green cacti and brown boulders that were scattered around the landscape.
I'm in an eight-bit environment, Five thought. This game must be a real oldie. But which game is it? I don't remember Dad ever showing me a cowboy-themed game, or even telling me about one.
Five was starting to look around for any further clues when he suddenly heard something whiz past his head and then hit one of the angular cacti near him with a thunk. Five looked and saw that it was an arrow. Then he quickly looked in the other direction and saw about a dozen eight-bit, stereotypically Native American characters—complete with moccasins and feathered headbands—taking aim at him with bows.
“Oh, nerts!” Five shouted, diving behind a boulder as more arrows flew past.
***
Haneesh, Nix, and Bergy found themselves in a blank white space that suddenly transformed into a wood-paneled room whose central furnishing was a circular table with a green felt top. The only light came from a lamp with a stained-glass shade that hung above the center of the table. Remembering his previous encounter with a mapper glitch, Bergy checked his tech gauntlet
“There's almost no signal in here,” he said shakily. “It's draining my battery.”
He shuddered as he remembered the last time this had happened, in the lair of the mapper glitch that had turned the interior of an ordinary suburban home into a live-action version of Castlestein. Being turned into a cowering stone statue had not been one of Bergy's prouder moments as a Glitch Tech.
Haneesh checked his own gauntlet. “You're right. This meta-mapper glitch must be pretty badass if it can block signals from inside HQ.”
“We'd better power down,” said Nix.
The three boys switched off their gauntlets, and their tech glasses, headsets, body armor, and other gear vanished.
Before the boys could begin to discuss their next move, the room's single, polished-wood door opened, and three women strutted in. Each of them wore a sexy blouse and skirt of some kind, but their more salient feature was that the three were monochromatic: Their clothing, jewelry, and skin were all the same shade of green, differing from one another only in their degree of brightness. What was more, the women and their clothing were noticeably pixelated; Haneesh could actually see the tiny squares that made up the lead woman’s face.
“Hello, boys,” the woman leading the trio said. The bright green of her long, wavy hair suggested that she was supposed to be blonde. “Ready for some fun and games?”
Nix, looking a bit mesmerized, replied, “I…don't see why not?”
Bergy elbowed Nix under the table, then murmured from the corner of his mouth, “You know these aren’t real girls, right? Ixnay on the itchglay?”
“This is obviously one of those 'beat the game, beat the glitch' scenarios,” Nix replied. “We should just play along.”
“Yeah,” Haneesh chimed in. “What's the worst that could happen?”
“One thing before we start,” the pseudo-blonde woman said. “If one of you boys wins, then you all get a super-sexy surprise. But if one of us wins, then we keep your clothes…including those fancy bracelets. Speaking of which…”
Each of the three boys suddenly and involuntarily stretched his gauntlet arm out toward the center of the table as a powerful magnetic force took hold of their gauntlet bands. All three bands flew off of their wrists and landed in the center of the table. Nix made a grab for them, but a green force field appeared around the bands and blocked him.
Haneesh swallowed and said, “So that's the worst that could happen.”
***
Miko blinked. This was a big white room, but it wasn't the big white room she'd been in a moment ago. In fact, the space was so white that it took Miko a moment to confirm that it was actually a room. The corners could barely be made out, as the walls were indistinguishable from the floor and ceiling.
“What the heck is this?”
Miko whipped around and saw Zahra standing behind her, peering at their surroundings.
“This doesn't look like a game environment,” Zahra continued, still scanning around. “It doesn't look like any environment.”
Before Miko could reply, she felt the floor rise under her feet. Suddenly, she and Zahra were standing at opposite ends of a rectangular platform that was perhaps three feet above the floor. She looked all around, waiting for some enemy or obstacle to appear. And then she looked up.
“Look out!” Miko shouted.
Miko tackled Zahra out of the way as two brass poles shot down from the ceiling and embedded themselves in the platform, about five feet apart. The two girls landed in a heap on the floor—which, luckily, had suddenly acquired a thick burgundy carpet.
“Wow,” Zahra panted as she stood up, then held out a hand to Miko. “Thanks. You really do have amazing reflexes.”
“No prob,” Miko replied breathlessly, taking Zahra's hand and letting the headscarfed girl help her up.
Once Miko was on her feet, she saw that the blank space around her was becoming a lot less blank. Tables and chairs were sprouting from the floor, and the white walls were turning the same burgundy as the carpet. In the back was a long bar made of dark, shiny wood, edged with a brass rail.
“Is this some kind of club?” Miko wondered aloud.
Many of the tables and chairs suddenly became occupied by figures that were barely more than silhouettes but that all appeared to be male. Then some women appeared. They were depicted in greater detail than the men, but they all looked more or less the same, having on short, cleavage-baring dresses and high heels. Each one was carrying a tray of drinks and moved from table to table as if serving them.
“Uh, Miko?” Zahra said. “I think this is a strip club.”
At that point, Zahra noted the battery drain on her gauntlet, so she and Miko powered down. Now, both girls were wearing their work uniforms: blue polo shirts over long-sleeved black shirts, plus white pants for Miko and a blue-and-white skirt, black leggings, and a white headscarf for Zahra.
A male voice boomed from a set of speakers in the back of the room. At the same time, the words appeared in the air in front of them.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES! READY TO PUT ON A SHOW?
“Is he talking to us?” Zahra asked Miko.
Miko looked at the platform and its pair of brass poles and replied, “I guess it's like a primitive version of Sock'em Rockers. But instead of making monsters fight, you just…dance.”
“Well,” Zahra said, shrugging, “beat the game, beat the glitch, right?”
“Right!” Miko replied. “We just get up there, dance our booties off, and mission accomplished.”
THE GAME WILL LAST SIX ROUNDS! PLAYERS MUST EARN A COMBINED TOTAL OF A HUNDRED THOUSAND POINTS OR WORK HERE AS COCKTAIL WAITRESSES FOR THE REST OF THEIR NATURAL LIVES!
“Wait, what!?” Miko exclaimed.
“There's always gotta be a catch,” Zahra sighed. Then she looked resolutely at Miko and added. “Don't worry. We've got this.”
“Right right right, we've totally got it,” Miko replied, trying hard to convince herself.
PLAYER TWO, PICK THE FIRST SONG!
A menu popped up in front of Zahra. She found that she could wave her hand in front of it to scroll through the selections.
“I don't even know half these songs,” Zahra said. “And the ones I do know are serious oldies.”
“Just pick something that looks fun,” Miko said. “The better the music, the better we’ll dance. And the better we dance, the faster we beat this glitch.”
“Okay,” Zahra said, “here's one: ‘Unlock Your Heart’ by Mionda. My big sister used to like this one, even though it was retro even for her.”
“Go for it,” Miko said. Zahra stabbed the selection with her finger.
MUSIC SELECTED! PREPARE FOR ROUND ONE. DANCERS, GET TO YOUR POLES!
Miko and Zahra got up on the platform and put a hand on their pole. Before each of them appeared a kind of holographic image of a brass pole like their own, plus a dancer who was little more than a silhouette. Zahra's dancer was blue and Miko's was red, but the two figures were otherwise identical, with long hair, a narrow waist, and a substantial bosom.
“I guess we're supposed to imitate their moves?” Zahra asked.
“Probably,” Miko replied.
Indeed, when the music started, the two silhouettes began to dance to it. A glowing number zero appeared below each one's feet. Between the two zeros, there was an area labeled TOTAL SCORE: 0 and, below that, GOAL: 100,000.
Miko and Zahra imitated the shadow girls, shimmying their bodies and then whirling around the poles. The scores above their respective shadow-girls' heads began ticking up.
“This is gonna be fun!” Miko shouted.
***
Mitch wasn’t sure exactly what was going on here. His fellow techs had all vanished—maybe they’d panicked and run like the bushel of blueberries they were—and now he was seated at a table that bore a velvet tablecloth, a crystal ball, and a couple of lit candles.
He wasn’t alone. Across from him sat a woman: tall, and wearing a hooded cloak. He could just make out her ruby-red lips…and the fangs that protruded from between them. Her forked tongue flicked out and then back into her mouth.
“Noooo, I don't think so,” Mitch said. “Time to sign out.”
Try as he might to stand up, he couldn't. He wasn't tied or chained to the chair; he simply couldn't get out of it. He gritted his teeth and tried to will himself to get to his feet, but to no avail. And as he struggled, the snake-woman simply sat there, watching him impassively with her yellow eyes, their pupils black slits.
“Let me up!” he shouted at her. She said nothing.
“What is this?” he demanded. “Where am I?”
At last, the woman spoke.
“You are in a corridor with stone walls. The corridor leads east and west. On the stone floor at your feet is a lantern.”
Mitch looked wide-eyed at the snake-woman. “Oh, no,” he breathed. “No, not that, anything but that…”
The snake-woman continued looking at him, expectant but patient. It was like his words hadn't registered.
This, Mitch realized, could well be his worst nightmare coming to life. But there was only one way to know for sure. He took a deep breath to steel himself, then spoke.
“Take lantern.”
The snake-woman replied, “You now have a lantern.”
“No! No!” Mitch cried. “Not a bloody text adventure!”
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Retro