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.Blackadder Smurf	By : keithcompany Category: +S through Z > Smurfs Views: 1965 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Smurfs, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Blackadder Smurf
- 1
More Disclaimer: This exploration of the world of the Smurfs is only for entertainment. This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual).

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(Several smurfs run across a field of grass, moaning and crying.)

Smurfcrowd: Help! Help! Helpity!

(View changes to a high window looking down on the crowd of Smurfs running towards the camera)

Evil Twin Smurf's Voice: Oh, what is it now?

(View at the base of a tree. The tree bark is black. A small doorway is carved into the base. The Smurf crowd runs up to door. Several start knocking on the doorway, on the tree.)

Smurfs: Evil Twin Smurf! Evil Twin Smurf! Help! Help!

(A smurf steps through the doorway. He has red smurf pants, a red smurf hat, and a rather obviously fake white smurfy beard.)

Evil Twin Smurf: QUIET! (He points to the closest Smurf) Are you Papa Smurf?

Paranoid Smurf: What? No, I'm Paranoid Smurf. Why would you think that I was Papa Smurf?

Evil Twin Smurf: I don't. But that means I'm not your evil twin, am I?

Paranoid Smurf: Um, no, I guess not.

Evil Twin Smurf: Well, what is it? What do you want? Why are you all bothering me?

Panic Smurf: It's PAPA SMURF! He's been CAUGHT by GARGAMEL! All is LOST!

Pedantic Smurf: Papa Smurf was captured by a trap set by the evil alchemist, along with Smurfette, Handy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Tough Smurf and Jokey Smurf.

(Silence stretches when he finishes talking. The Smurfs all look at each other.)

Evil Twin Smurf: And...?

Panic Smurf: You have to HELP us! Help THEM! HELP!

Pedantic Smurf: Without Papa Smurf's magic, or Brainy Smurf's inventions, or, frankly, the bulk of the brains and the brawn of the Smurf Village, we don't stand a smurfberry's chance of rescuing them.

(Silence stretches when he finishes talking. Evil Twin Smurf stares over their heads. Paranoid Smurf turns to stare in that direction.)

Evil Twin Smurf: Hm? Oh, sorry, I was trying to decide what to have for dinner. Well, thanks for stopping by, but next time, you only really need one messenger, unless you're all going to deliver it in three-smurf harmony. Smurfy day.

(Before he can retreat into the tree, the Smurfs crowd him, falling at his feet and grabbing his pants, moaning for help, assistance, succor and general aid)

Evil Twin Smurf: Back! BACK! (They retreat. He brushes at his trousers) So. You say that Papa Smurf is in terrible danger? Probably doomed? Unlikely to return?

(The Smurfs nod their heads somberly)

Evil Twin Smurf: Well. Well, well, well. That means there's no one to be the evil twin of, what?

(He removes his puffy fake white smurf beard to reveal a trim black pointy one, which he strokes a few times)

Evil Twin Smurf: Alright, now, look here. If you want my help, there have to be a few changes.

Paranoid Smurf: Why? What's in it for you?

Pedantic Smurf: Quiet, Paranoid Smurf. What do you want, Evil Twin Smurf?

Evil Twin Smurf: Well, for one thing, I don't want to be called Evil Twin Smurf anymore.

Panic Smurf: But...you have to be. You ARE the evil twin. Everyone's named for what they ARE. For what they DO. It's more smurfy that way.

Pedantic Smurf: It is the bedrock certainty of Smurf ideology. Every one of us knows who he is and what Papa Smurf expects him to do.

Evil Twin Smurf: Thank you, Tevye. But I don't want to do anything. If I free Papa Smurf and the others, I want a new rule. For Smurfs living on this side of the smurfberry grove, we're named by where we live.

(He looks up at the burnt tree. Every branch is bare, the entire surface is blackened)

Evil Twin Smurf: Smelly Smurf!

(Smelly Smurf steps out of the tree, wearing an apron. Smelly, the apron and the apple slice over his shoulder are all about equally grungy)

Smelly Smurf: Yes, sir?

Evil Twin Smurf: Smelly Smurf, what sort of tree is this?

Smelly Smurf: It's an alder, Mr. ET.

Evil Twin Smurf: That's it gentlemen. I shall be known henceforth as BlackAlder Smurf.

Pedantic Smurf: Smurfy. But...won't Smelly Smurf be known for his residence, too? Wouldn't that make you both BlackAlder Smurf?

BlackAlder Smurf: Not at all. Smelly lives in that belt over there.

(Beside the tree, a large black belt is curled around a single cot and a small chair.)

Smelly Smurf: So I shall hens fourth be known as Belt Smurf.

Panic Smurf: Does this mean that you'll HELP us? Help THEM? HELP?

BlackAlder Smurf: Yes. If you'll shut up.

-----

(Some time later, BlackAlder Smurf steps from his tree and shuts the door. He and Belt Smurf each have a small pack on their shoulders. They start walking through the forest. No other Smurfs are around)

Belt Smurf: Actually, Mr. B, I think that my house is not a belt.

BlackAlder Smurf: Sash Smurf? Girdle Smurf? You haven't the muscles to be Strapping Smurf.

Belt Smurf: I think I heard a human call it a baldric, once.

BlackAlder Smurf: But Belt Smurf is better, Belt.

Belt Smurf: How so?

BlackAlder Smurf: Because now I can call you by name with a clenched fist.

(BlackAlder belts Belt over the head)

Belt Smurf: OW! Oh! That's quite clever!

(The two figures start to fade into the distance as they walk through the trees)

BlackAlder Smurf: Want to see it again?

Belt Smurf: Not really.

BlackAlder Smurf: How about in slow motion?

Belt Smurf: That doesn't sound too smurfy.

BlackAlder Smurf: What if I threw in some sound effects?

Belt Smurf: Like what?

BlackAlder Smurf: Like coconuts.

Belt Smurf: What do coconuts sound like?

(They are completely out of sight as a distinct clonk sounds)

-------

(BlackAlder and Belt crouch under a bush and look over at Gargamel's hovel)

Belt: Mr. B! I have a plan.

BlackAlder: Is it a smurfy plan?

Belt: It is indeed.

BlackAlder: Is it as smurfy as a smurfberry pie, with whipped smurfdrop topping?

Belt: TWICE as smurfy.

BlackAlder: Is it as smurfy as a pile of smurfsticks woven into a smurf sculpture?

Belt: Very nearly, sir.

BlackAlder: Very well, Belt, what is this plan.

Belt: You buy the Smurfs from Gargamel, sir.

BlackAlder: Buy them.

Belt: Yes, sir. You disguise yourself as a wizard. A traveling wizard.

BlackAlder: A traveling wizard? Need I remind you that I stand only three apples tall.

Belt: You tell him that you're from faaaaaaar away.

BlackAlder: Then what?

Belt: You walk up to Gargamel's front door, knock on it, and say you wish to buy any Smurfs he may have.

BlackAlder: Buy them.

Belt: Yes, sir.

BlackAlder: With what?

(Belt fishes around in his pack, pulls out a single, tarnished penny)

Belt: With this.

BlackAlder: This man has enough Smurfs to cast a spell that makes gold, and he's going to give them up to me, because I have a penny.

Belt: You tell him it's a magic penny.

BlackAlder: Tell an evil alchemist that a magic penny is worth more than pure, shiny, incredibly smurfy gold.

Belt: (putting the penny back in the bag) Well, sir, if you think you're not smurfy enough to carry it off.

BlackAlder: Now, I didn't say that....

Belt: No, no, sir, it's alright. There's no way you can outsmart the evil wizard Gargamel, with only a tarnished penny. We'll go home, you'll be the smartest Smurf...left...in Smurf Village. And Papa Smurf will never have the chance to criticize your failure. Minced smurfberry for dinner tonight?

BlackAlder: Shut up and go get me some minions.

-----

(Gargamel takes a kettle from the fire, turns and starts to pour into two tea cups as he speaks)

Gargamel: I must admit, I've never met a sorcerer from Lichtenstein before. Especially one six apples tall.

(new view shows BlackAlder standing in a chair, wearing a long coat. He's obviously standing on Belt's shoulders)

BlackAlder: My people don't travel much.

-----
(In Gargamel's bedroom, Azrael sits on the floor, staring up at a small cage hanging from the rafters. Inside the cage are about ten Smurfs. Brainy Smurf has stuck his glass lenses onto Handy Smurf's pencil and fashioned his glasses into a periscope of sorts. He reaches way out to the side of the cage to look out the door)

Handy Smurf (Holding Brainy by the britches): Smurfy idea, Brainy. What do you see?

Brainy: Gargamel has a visitor.

Smurfette: A visitor? Who would visit smelly old Gargamel?

Papa Smurf: We know he has a visitor, Brainy. What does he look like?

Brainy: Well, he's tall. Kind of Lichtensteinian features.

Handy: You wouldn't know Lichten-

Papa: Hush! What are they talking about?

Brainy: Matching Alchemy.

(Cut immediately to the other room. See Gargamel's head at an angle to show the makeshift periscope in the background)

Gargamel: Magic penny, huh? What ever does it do.

BlackAlder: Well, that's the odd part. I'm not quite sure. Look.

(He taps the coin down on the arm of the chair he's standing on. Below the chair, Paranoid Smurf is holding tight to the straw that makes up the top. At the sound of the tap, he drops to the ground)

Paranoid: Huh? What? Where am I? How did I get here?

Gargamel: A Smurf?

Paranoid: Eeek! GARGAMEL! Smurf me! I have to get back to Smurf Village!

(He runs out of the door, screaming into the distance. Gargamel sits stunned until he's gone.)

Gargamel: Did you just summon a Smurf?

BlackAlder: Is that what they are? I can never catch one for long enough to tell what they are.

(He taps the coin again. Behind Gargamel's chair, Pedantic Smurf leaps up into the air and slams both of his feet onto the ground. Gargamel spins around at the sound)

Pedantic: It appears that I have been magically transported across the forest. Again. Darn. This is terribly unsmurfy.

(He runs before the alchemist can get over the shock)

Gargamel: That's...quite a coin you have there, Mr. Traveling Wizard.

BlackAlder: Is it? I don't know. I'm never able to predict where they'll show up. And I'm too slow to catch them. It seems a terrible waste, really.

Gargamel: Oh, really? Well, I could take it off your hands, if you don't want it...

BlackAlder: Oh, no. It's been in the family for years. I couldn't part with it just to be rid of it.

(Just then Belt sneezes. The flap of one pocket of BlackAlder's long coat explodes outward. The human stares. BlackAlder fans the area of the blast with his hands)

BlackAlder: Sorry. Travel rations, you know how it is on the road.

Gargamel: Oh, yes, of course. So, um... Would you consider trading for the coin?

BlackAlder: Trading? I'm not sure.

(He flips the coin. It clatters to the chair. At the sound, Panic Smurf swings down from the roof on a string to spread across the window like a bug on a windshield. Gargamel spins around at the sound of the SPLAT!)

Panic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(fades into the distance. Gargamel turns back to his guest, salivating at the thought of gaining the coin.)

Gargamel: I could make you an offer...

BlackAlder: Do you know what I want? I have been popping these things, these Smurfs you call them? I've brought them into existence for years and never had a chance to study them. If I had a dozen of them to keep for myself, I'd give up the coin and the hundreds of Smurfs it's made or summoned.

Gargamel: Hundreds?

BlackAlder: Or more.

(Scene changes to the clearing in front of Gargamel's hovel. The captured Smurfs are in a cage that has wheels attached. BlackAlder has a rope and is prepared to tow the wagon off down the road.)

BlackAlder: Well, I'm ready to tow this wagon off down the road.

Gargamel: I'm sure you'll be very happy with your new Smurfs, Mr. TW.

BlackAlder: I'm sure I will.

(He tosses the coin to Gargamel who rushes into the hovel.)

Gargamel: Quickly, Azrael! We have to make the house completely Smurf-tight.

(The unhappy Smurfs gaze upon their new captor, eyes going wide as he doffs the coat and jumps down from Belt's shoulder. BlackAlder rushes to the cage door.)

BlackAlder: Alright, then. Who wants out of the cage?

Everyone: We do!

BlackAlder: And what's it worth to you?

Everyone: It's worth-

(They stop and turn to Papa Smurf. He glares at his former evil twin.)

-----

(A screen caption reads: The next day)

(Gargamel sits at his table, tapping the coin to the surface, then gazing around the room waiting for the Smurf to appear. He taps again.)

---------
(A screen caption reads: Two days later)

(Back at the black alder, a party of Smurfs carry a huge smurfberry pie to the front door. BlackAlder Smurf appears, dressed in vintage swimming clothes. Belt follows him with a towel draped over his arm.)

BlackAlder: Ah, yes. It's Thursday, it must be Smurfberry Aerobics.

(With a holler, he dives into the pie and starts splashing around. Belt waits at the side with the towel. The pie party departs.)

Handy Smurf: See you tomorrow, Belt.

Belt: Friday! Dodge Smurfberry. Til then!

---------
(A screen caption reads: A week later)

(Gargamel taps the coin against a pile of sawdust where his table used to be. Finally, he stops, shrugs and glares at the coin)

Gargamel: I hate those Smurfs.
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.Blackadder Smurf