Occupation Irritation

BY : KingCobra
Category: +S through Z > South Park
Dragon prints: 2172
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Occupation Irritation

By DeadKenny

Chapter One: The Opening

WARNING: Language and Violence, the usual tedious stuff.

DISCLAIMER: Cartman, Liane, and Sharon belong to Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and all of Comedy Central in general.

In the small Colorado mountain town, known to the local natives as South Park, it was a beautiful day out. The clouds roamed by lazily overhead while closer to earth, the birds chirped their joyful melody. It was a lovely summer day, perfect for all the children in the community, for they had no school. Everyone was happy and enjoying their summer break.

Well, almost everyone.

"Maaammm! I need sah Cheesy Poofs!" The disgruntled voice cried out from the living room of one house in particular. The brunette woman in the kitchen smiled warmly at her teenage son's enthusiasm.

"Coming, hon!"

The middle-aged woman hummed jovially as she opened the cupboard doors, searching for that appetizing bag of her son's favorite snack food... and then she frowned. The cupboards were bare. The food was all gone. Oh, well. Maybe there was some in the refrigerator. She opened the door and peered inside.

Uh oh. She knew that her little poopsikins would not be happy about this.

"We're out, hon."

The reaction was instantaneous. Someone might well have dropped a atomic bomb on her house right then.


Cartman's roar was so loud that Liane could have sworn that the whole house shook. Her foresight into son's reaction had been right on the money. Poor poor little Eric was pissed.

Eric ran into the kitchen right then, looking ferociously angry, and a little uncertain. "Are yah sure, Mam?"

"I'm sure, sweetie."

"Could you go to the store and buy some mah mam?"

"I'm sorry, Eric, but I'm broke." This was true. Liane had always used her body as her job, earning hundreds of dollars a night from horny men who had been looking for a good fuck. But business had been slow lately, and her financial boundaries had been less then... adequate.

Eric stared at her for a while, feeling uncertain for a few seconds before he reacted. He snickered, and then began to laugh completely, not holding any of his amusement in. "Oh, that was good, mah! Yah almost had me fooled!"

Liane looked serious. "I'm not kidding, hon."

Cartman's laughter ceased, and he looked at her. "You're really not kidding?"

"No, I am really not."


"Looks like you'll have to get a job if you want some Cheesy Poofs, hon."

She left the room then, leaving her young son to stand there cursing the bitch known as Luck. What the hell was this?! He was out of cheesy poofs?! And worse, he had to get a goddamn job?! What the fuck was this shit?!

Sighing, Eric Theodore Cartman knew he had no choice. He had never wanted a job, but if he wanted food, he would have to buy it himself. The fatass grabbed the morning paper off the kitchen table, and, still muttering profane curses under his breath, took it up to his room.

Once there, he climbed onto his bed, spreading the paper open to the want ads. The classifieds were a surefire way to find a job. SOMEBODY had to be hiring! His eyes scanned each black-inked article, looking for something that began with "Help Wanted". Where the hell was it? Where the hell... AH! Here was one!

Eyes shining eagerly, The young boy read it aloud, completely oblivious to everything but the Job Hunt.


HELP WANTED: Personal Asst. No Exp. Needed. $7

pr hr. Apply at Tom's Rhinoplasty. 14 S. Main St.

South Park, CO. 80247.


Cartman grinned excitedly. This was the PERFECT job for him! Good wages, and no experience necessary?! Kick fuckin ass dude! Best of all, he knew that Stan's mother, Sharon, worked there, and he had watched her enough to know what to do! Dude, this was gonna be so sweet!

Humming happily, the young fatass got off his bed and ran downstairs to tell his mother the exciting news! He was gonna go work with Stan's mother at Tom's Rhinoplasty! Even if Sharon's son was that dick-licking asswipe Stan...Cartman was not about to let that stop him.

He'd have those cheesy poofs in no time! Oh, what a beautiful day it was! Cartman ran out of the house, happy as a clam.


Roughly two minutes later, Sharon was at the front desk, filling out store forms when Cartman burst in, panting but pleased. She looked up at him, surprised. Why was he here? Her answer came 1.2 nanoseconds later.

"I'm hyah for the job!"

Sharon hesitated, looking at the boy, uncertainty flowing through her psyche. She knew Eric enough to know that he was not the most patient person in town, if the world. Did she really want to give him the job?

"Well, do you have experience in dealing with plastic surgery?"

Cartman frowned slightly. "I thought no experience was needed."

Sharon smiled warmly, though she felt like screaming inside. Of course he would have known that. So much for trying to discourage him. Sharon was not at all eager to work with this kid. She knew all about his impatient personality and fits of rage. No one else had applied for the job though. Only Cartman had. Perhaps there was a way to deter him. Maybe she could do something else. Maybe she could...

"Eric, how about a probation period?"

"What's that?"

"Well, you work with me for a while, just do your job, with no pay. Then, if you do well, I'll let you keep the job, and you will begin earning your money. It's a honor system."

Eric felt like throwing a tantrum. No pay?! For how long?! But he also knew that if he wanted those cheesy poofs, he would have to play along. For a little while, at least.


NEXT: Does Cartman have what it takes to succeed in the plastic surgery world? Will he pass the probation period? And what about those cheesy poofs? Will Liane get her "business" back on track?

(Cartman looks at the screen, annoyed. "You are really starting to piss me off.")

Find out next time!

(Cartman curses. "Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! Don't you make me wait!)

To Be Continued.

(Cartman looks really pissed at the author now. "FUCK!!!")

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