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A Tale of the Woman	By : lightbird Category: +M through R > Mulan (Disney) > Mulan (Disney) Views: 16127 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons of Disney Studios, nor any of the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Part 1
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 3
- 4
- 5
Part 4: Secrets and Lies
Chapter 8
The march was long and tiring. They spent hours in the saddle everyday for weeks, trotting through fields and forests, over rugged and rocky terrain, finally ascending into high mountains toward the village at the pass where General Li was stationed with his troops.
Mulan became more and more apprehensive as they drew closer to that meeting place. She brought up the rear with some of the other younger recruits, and chances were that the general would hardly be likely to pay attention to their group. Why would he be interested in the youngest and least experienced recruits? No, chances were he’d speak only to his son and the councilman, not sparing anyone else a second glance.
Still, what if he recognized her? Her transgressions were multiple, after all; she’d left his home and her place as his fifth wife. She’d impersonated a man and a soldier. And if she was caught, it would be a dishonor to the Imperial Army. Death was the only punishment fitting for such a list of crimes and no doubt he would execute her on the spot.
And maybe that would be for the best. Perhaps it was her destiny all along; after all, she wouldn’t be the first of his wives that he’d killed. His third wife had almost certainly died at his hand. She’d cheated on him and he’d meted out justice. She never discovered what had become of Honglian, his fourth wife. Doctor Liang had left her to finish her tea that day she ran into him in the village, advising her that there had been an incident but revealing nothing more.
I fear she may have harmed herself.
A twinge of guilt gripped her when she recalled his words. There was nothing she could do now, but she couldn’t help but wonder. Would things have been different for Honglian had she stayed?
The men around her passed the long and wearisome days of travel by singing, mostly about women, the lyrics often becoming quite raunchy. But she took it in stride, tuning it out, glad to be all the way in the back; for Chi Fu rode up front with the captain and she preferred to be as far away from him as possible. In the evenings when they stopped to make camp for the night she could still feel his eyes on her wherever she went. Yet, he still hadn’t come forward to announce that he knew her secret.
Whenever they were camped near a lake or stream she bathed, but she was extra careful ever since the last night at Wu Zhong when she’d nearly been caught. She only went either very late, long after the rest of the troop had turned in, or very early, a couple of hours before sunrise.
They were marching through high terrain now, where snow covered the jagged peaks and the winding mountain path ahead of them. Mulan was grateful for her armor, having packed the bare minimum of warm clothing, particularly the helmet that kept her head warm and might also possibly hide her face from General Li.
The men bantered and bragged about women and drink as always. Mulan was too busy bracing herself against the wind that howled and whipped against her face to care what they had to say. As they reached the summit, she noticed that the captain and the men following right behind him had stopped; so had their casual chatter. The stench of burnt wood and something else reached her nostrils before she arrived at the top of the hill and she felt her stomach clench. Her burned-down village had smelled exactly the same way.
She reached the crest, joining the others, and her heart sank as she took in the sight. The village was gone, except for several burnt skeletons of what were houses and buildings. Flames still licked at a few of the structures, slowly dying out. The bell in the middle of the town swung in the wind, eerily clanging out at distant intervals, as if tolling for each victim.
“Search for survivors,” Captain Li ordered, turning his horse and heading off in one direction to survey the details of the scene.
Mulan dismounted and, leaving Khan behind, walked along what must have been the main street of the village. An object lay in her path and she stooped to have a look. It was a small doll in a red dress. She scooped it up, tears welling up in her eyes, and clutched it against her chest. At the sound of horses’ hooves behind her she straightened up and composed herself.
“I don’t understand. My father should have been here.” There was confusion in the captain’s voice as he spoke. He’d dismounted and had come to stand right beside her, looking somewhat lost.
She glanced at him, unable to answer. A terrible feeling had formed in the pit of her stomach and she dreaded what was to come.
“Captain! Captain!” the councilman shouted in alarm.
Li Shang hurried over to him and Mulan followed at a distance. Seeing the captain’s ashen face and expression of horror when he stopped, she knew before she even looked what kind of scene would greet her when she gazed down into the valley below them. Bloody, broken bodies were sprawled throughout the open plain. Armor and swords lay strewn about, a wheel of one of the overturned carts spun lightly in the wind; even the horses hadn’t been spared.
One of the soldiers of their troop was approaching from the valley. He reached the captain and held out a helmet with two plumes and a sword.
“The general,” he uttered sadly.
Mulan felt as if she’d been stabbed through the heart as she took in the sight of General Li’s helmet. Her mind ground to a sudden halt and for a long time she couldn’t move a muscle. A scream was forming deep inside of her, but it remained lodged in her throat, unable to reach the air.
The sweep of the red cape of the captain’s uniform as he turned and walked off caught her eye and she was pulled somewhat out of her stocked stupor.
His father.
With a choked cry she dropped to her knees, the doll that she’d picked up falling to the ground. She knelt there for a long time, her face buried in her hands, wanting the tears to flow but unable to make them come. It was as if she was seeing her village, her home all over again.
She was a widow. And Captain Li had lost his father.
oooOooo
“How are you doing?”
Mulan looked up from where she sat before the small fire she’d made, off away from the others. The captain pushed his cape behind him and took a seat next to her on the grass.
She turned back and stared into the flames with a shrug. “Okay.”
Casting a furtive glance his way when he spoke no further she saw that he was observing her carefully, his characteristic serious expression in place but with a tinge of concern mixed in. She sighed inwardly, thinking that he ought to be worried about himself not her. He’d suffered a terrible loss that day.
True, she wasn’t as stoic and in control as he was. In fact, she had to admire the courage and strength of character that he’d shown in the face of the greatest grief.
“Shan-Yu’s army is moving quickly,” he’d ordered, mounting his steed again and gesturing to the pass ahead of them. His emotions had been in check, his youthful voice commanding as always. “We’ll reach the Imperial City faster through the Tung Shao Pass. We’re the only hope for the Emperor now. Move out.”
Watching him continue on in the face of tragedy had given her strength. And before following him and the rest of the troop away from that gut-wrenching scene, she’d laid the doll that she’d found at the foot of the memorial he’d made for his father out of his own sword and the general’s helmet. He’d kept General Li’s sword.
A dull ache settled in her heart as she thought about the general. Despite what she had now pieced together about his third wife and Honglian, he had been very kind to her. She didn’t even mind sleeping with him after awhile. His body was warm and strong and comforting, and he was experienced. Once she became relaxed about sex, he pleasured her easily. And he pampered her, almost as if he were her father.
She was certain she would never know any of that again.
“I know how difficult it must have been to see that, after seeing your own village…” he trailed off as she turned away again without answering.
He cleared his throat.
“Ping, you’ve proven yourself to be an excellent soldier, despite how much younger you are than most of the men. But I know what happened before you joined my regiment…I want to make sure that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. And I don’t know what anyone told you, but I wasn’t crying,” she muttered defiantly, frowning at him.
It was true. Other than one choked sob the sounds hadn’t wanted to come out of her. And she suspected that if they did, they would have been screams, not crying.
“Everyone was horrified at that scene today,” he remarked.
Mulan dug her fingers into the grass, pulling up clumps of it and irritably flinging them back to the ground. She knew that the captain was just making sure that ‘Ping’ hadn’t been pushed over the edge, that he wasn’t going to run off half-cocked in the midst of a battle; but the discussion was nettling her for some reason.
Captain Li patted her on the shoulder, in the same manner that he had after she approached him as he prayed over his father’s memorial at the scene of that battle.
“I’m sorry.”
That was all she could think to say to him in the moment. She barely knew anything about his relationship to General Li; her status was too low for her to have been privy to such a thing. Whether they were close or not, she only knew that it was devastating to lose one’s father. Her words weren’t nearly enough to provide comfort. But the captain had stood up and turned to her, placing a hand on her shoulder and gazing at her in grateful acknowledgement before walking past her and to his horse.
“You should get something to eat, Ping,” he told her now, his voice somehow gruff and gentle at the same time. “We have to get moving and we’ll be marching through the night to catch up to Shan-Yu. You’ll need your strength.”
The fact that he’d noticed that she hadn’t eaten took her aback. He was genuinely concerned about his soldier, and clearly watching her very carefully.
“Yes, sir,” she answered.
He stood up and held a hand out to help her up. She accepted it gratefully and managed a small smile.
oooOooo
There was darkness. Then she remembered splotches of red on an endless white landscape; blood. And a mountain of snow rushing toward her.
Her throat was parched and it hurt to swallow. Slowly her eyes fluttered open and she took in her surroundings. She was lying on the ground, covered in thick blankets, and she was in a tent. Concentric circles of light reflected off the canvas from the lantern that sat beside her.
A groan involuntarily escaped her lips as she attempted to stir, finding that her body was sore and tender. She’d been wounded, she remembered now, her abdomen sliced at the end of the jagged blade of the enemy’s sword. An unusually designed blade, wielded by a man who was a size that she never imagined men could come in. And then the avalanche that she had caused was thundering toward her, threatening to engulf her and her comrades.
Muffled voices outside of the tent became louder and the words became clearer.
“I knew it! I knew it!” The councilman. His whiny, nasal voice was unmistakable. “I knew there was something about that so-called soldier.”
“That so-called soldier saved us all,” she recognized the captain’s voice. “Saved me personally.”
“It’s ultimate dishonor and the punishment is death. You know that, Captain Li, and it’s your duty to carry out that punishment. She’s lucky that it worked out and she saved us. You know as well as I do that her reckless behavior might have just as easily brought about disaster.”
She. Mulan began to tremble underneath the blankets at the gravity of the councilman’s use of that pronoun. They knew about her.
The captain sighed audibly. “It’s because of her strategy that our enemy was stopped.”
There was silence for several moments.
“No.” It was Captain Li’s voice again. “I won’t kill her. The medic will see to it that she’s healed and as soon as she is, I’ll send her on her way. But I won’t take the life of someone who saved my life, who saved all of our lives.”
“But…”
“I’ve made my decision. That’s it. I want answers from her before we part ways anyhow.”
“This is completely irregular, Captain Li. What would your father say?”
Heavy silence fell for several moments before the captain spoke up again, his voice harsh.
“My father is not here to say anything. Besides, we don’t know what her intentions are. She could be a spy for Shan-Yu.”
“No doubt.” A characteristic sniff accompanied that remark.
“Well, then you can see my point. Just killing her would be unwise. Also, no one else is to hear of this. Only the medic, you and I know the truth about Fa Ping, and that’s the way it will stay.”
A sharp squeal of disbelief escaped from Chi Fu. "What? Surely you don’t think that I’m going to keep this from the Emperor! I am his council.”
“True. But we’re a hundred miles from the Imperial City. I’ve made my decision. This stays between you, me and Doctor Yang. When we return to Chang’an you can tell the Emperor whatever you wish. By that time she’ll have gone on her way anyway.”
“The Emperor will have your head for this, Captain Li. You’ve been warned. I wash my hands of anything that happens next because of your failure to carry out his law.”
“Fine. And if we find out valuable information about the enemy from her, the Emperor will be grateful that I didn’t just kill her without a second thought.”
There was a rustle as the tent flap was pushed aside and the captain’s broad body filled the entrance. He stepped in and tied the flaps behind him, then approached her where she lay and sat down beside her.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, his voice even and calm.
She gazed up at him searchingly, unable to read his thoughts and feelings in his expression, which remained detached yet concerned all at once.
“Thirsty,” she managed to utter, her voice crackling.
He nodded and reached over, taking up a water skin. With one hand he lifted and supported her head, with the other he brought the skin to her lips. She lapped up the liquid, closing her eyes as it whetted and soothed her throat.
Finished drinking she lay back down, eyeing him warily.
Li Shang set aside the water skin and folded his arms, staring at her steadily.
“You’re insane,” he finally stated flatly.
Mulan didn’t answer. What was there to say to that?
“You’ll stay with us until you’re healed. And then I’m leaving you. You’re dishonorable and you deserve nothing better than to be left here to die. But you saved all of our lives, you saved my life.”
His quiet, controlled demeanor terrified her more than if he’d been shouting at her.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to execute me. Maybe you should.”
She was surprised at how calm her own voice was.
His eyes were cold, the way they were that day she met him in the corridor at the Li compound. Such a long time ago.
“Why did you leave my father’s house?”
That threw her for a loop and she felt her heart skip a beat. He knew her after all. She didn’t even think that he’d given her a second look that day.
There was no way she could explain it to him. He just wouldn’t understand.
“What did you think you were doing? Did you come looking for him?”
Unable to speak, she merely shook her head.
“You’re his concubine. A life under his roof wasn’t good enough for you? Why would you do this?”
“I didn’t think you knew me,” she whispered, her voice barely audible to her.
Surprise slid into his eyes momentarily before he suppressed it and schooled his face into stone again.
“We only met once.” Her voice was stronger as she continued. “And I didn’t think you would remember me…I never saw you after that.”
“Second Wife used to complain to my father about how you were outside practicing martial arts. As did the servants. Were you preparing yourself for the army, Fifth Mistress?”
Hot prickles of shame ran through her body. His tone was undeniably acidic as he emphasized those words. Her destiny and status in life had been set when she was married off to General Li as a fifth wife. Try as she might have to escape it, here it was staring her in the face again. Li Shang’s words brought that home harder than ever.
“Was this some kind of game you were playing? Some sort of trick?”
“No!” she answered fervently. Catching herself, she took a deep breath and schooled her own face into a stoic mask. “No, sir.”
He sighed in exasperation. “Will you at least tell me why you came here? Into my camp?”
“It was a coincidence that I ended up in your camp. When I returned to my family’s home, it had been destroyed. The whole village had been. And…his name was still on the scrolls that were up in town. I thought…” she trailed off, not wishing to continue. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do; now it just seemed ridiculous and foolish to her. And she knew it would have come across that way to him.
“Why did you go back to your family’s home? It’s outrageous for you to have left your husband’s home!”
She thought of the abortion medicine that Yun had been slipping into her tea, and of Honglian and what she had gone through. And she lamented the life that she’d been thrown into, having to leave her family behind just as her own father was dying. Shang would never understand. How could he? It had nothing to do with him; he was so far above the petty bickering that went on between General Li’s wives. And what would he know of a woman’s troubles?
Tears began to stream from her eyes and she winced, trying to stifle the sobs that shook her body, jostling her wound and causing her excruciating pain. Besides, she didn’t want to cry in front of him.
“I’m very tired,” she managed to say, regaining control of herself.
“Rest now then.” His voice was low and rough. “I’ll return later to speak with you.”
*******
Chapter 9
Pitch dark slumber was punctuated with harsh, feverish nightmares filled with images of blood and snow and burning villages. Mulan woke with a cry each time, shivering even though she was drenched in sweat. Muddled thoughts and toiling emotions kept her awake then until she drifted off again, finally exhausted from the pain of her wound and anguish from mulling on her precarious predicament.
The cycle continued through the night. In her waking moments chaotic thoughts filled her head, keeping sleep at bay. Unanswerable questions nagged at her and she found herself thinking of every moment of her time in the army, wondering when exactly Li Shang knew who she was. Was it when she arrived at camp? After discovering that she was a woman and then recognizing her? Or was it some time in between? And if the former was the case, why had he continued on as if nothing had changed?
And what about Chi Fu? Did he know? If so, why hadn’t he said anything? She pondered his habitual leering, the expression on his face as he watched her all the time. Maybe he hadn’t said anything because he was planning to do something else? There was that time by the lake at camp; she’d stood before him half-dressed praying that he would stop staring at her and pass her by. What would he have done if the other men in the lake hadn’t happened to move to that side of the rock and view them? She shuddered at the next thought.
The bandages wound around her body and the soreness of her wound made it impossible for her to toss and turn, no matter how uncomfortable and restless she felt. So she lay still during this last bout of wakefulness, feeling as if she would go mad, tears leaking from her eyes.
“It was all for nothing,” she muttered to herself.
Shifting material rustled to her right and she turned toward the sound, blinking in bewilderment as she beheld the outline of a large frame. She squinted in the darkness, trying to make out the features of the man sitting there. Was it the captain?
“Are you alright, Mulan?” he asked. She imagined that she almost heard concern in his voice and the use of her given name took her aback somewhat. With the utterance of her name their interaction had taken a sudden turn to a more personal level, no longer captain and subordinate.
“Yes.”
“I can wake the medic if you wish. He’ll give you some more medicine for the pain.”
“It’s okay.”
He sat silently, watching her as she lay there, making her feel transparent and vulnerable. After what seemed an uncomfortable eternity he finally spoke again.
“You were foolish to use your own surname. I thought you seemed familiar that first day at camp, and I recognized the Fa surname of course. I believed that you were his son, as you said, which to me explained the resemblance to his daughter Mulan, who as far as I knew was in my father’s home. It never occurred to me that you could possibly be that girl.”
She closed her eyes momentarily as remorse pervaded her. “I’m sorry, Shang,” she answered softly, now using his given name for the first time too. “I never meant for it to go this far.”
“You mean you never meant to get caught,” he retorted.
Silence stretched between them again. Without even seeing his face clearly in the dark she could sense the sneer on his face, feel the anger and disgust exuding from him. Shame threatened to overwhelm her once more and she brought a hand up to swipe at her eyes where tears were beginning to pool again.
“Your father was a great general, even more renowned than my father. I suppose he taught you those martial arts moves that you were practicing outside all of the time.”
“He taught me to defend myself.”
“And you took his lessons to heart apparently,” he remarked, his voice positively venomous.
Mulan hesitated. “Are you going to question me about Shan-Yu?”
“What?” he snapped.
“I heard…”
He cut her off brusquely. “Don’t worry about what you heard.”
A soft whimper escaped her as she shifted, weary of remaining in one position and trying to get a little more comfortable.
“You’re in pain. I’ll wake Doctor Yang.”
“No, it’s alright,” she protested.
“I’m already awake.”
Another figure stood behind the captain, holding a lit lantern. Shang stood up and moved aside so the doctor could tend to her.
Doctor Yang was a matured gentleman with grey hair and a creased face. He’d been at Wu Zhong, though Mulan only visited him once when she had caught a throat infection that was going around. He sat by her side now sprinkling herbs from a sack into a small bowl and pouring hot water over it.
“The tea needs to cool and then you can drink it,” he told her. “It will dull the pain and help you sleep.”
oooOooo
“It’s going to snow soon,” the doctor remarked as he cut away the old dressing.
Mulan didn’t know how many days had passed and she hadn’t seen the outside of the tent since before she was wounded.
“How can you tell?” she asked, wincing though she felt no pain yet. She was anticipating it.
“Am I hurting you?”
“No. I’m just waiting for it…”
He chuckled warmly. “Anyway, I have aches and pains, which get worse when there’s moisture in the air. It’s too cold for rain. No, it will be snow, or worse, ice.”
Doctor Yang set the old cut up bandage aside and applied a concoction of herbs that he’d mixed in a bowl to the wound. “This will continue to help fend off infection.”
A new bandage was wound around her then and she lay back down. With an expert hand he felt her forehead.
“Your fever has broken and you’re healing very nicely.”
After gathering his supplies together he grabbed the lantern and stood up. “I’ll check on you in a little while. Try to get some rest. You may have to be on the move soon.”
The tent flap rustled and the captain swept it aside, ducking inside. Doctor Yang nodded to him and left.
“We’ve been stuck here for several days now and it’s going to snow. We need to move out very soon so we’re not caught up here during a blizzard. If we have to be stranded anywhere, I’d rather it be in the nearby village toward Chang’an, rather than in the middle of a mountain wilderness. Will you be able to move on your own, or do we need to have you carried down the mountain?”
Though his voice was quiet his tone was biting and disdainful, cutting her deeply. Deciding it was best not to play into his provocative remarks however and to let his attitude roll off of her, her reply was calm and impassive.
“I’m sure I’ll manage.”
oooOooo
The wound on her abdomen was still tender but she found that she was able to move the next morning. Slowly she kicked off the blankets wrapped around her and stood up, looking for her things. Donning her uniform she frowned as she noted that the front of it was covered with blood.
Her coat would cover it. She reached for it and put it on, then sat down near the tent entrance and pulled on her boots. Standing once more and pushing the flap aside, she found that it wasn’t as cold as she expected. The air was cool and crisp but the wind was still. It was actually fairly mild considering that the sun hadn’t quite risen yet.
Khan stood outside, near the edge of the mountain. He neighed when he saw her and her mouth turned up into a broad smile. She slowly picked her way over to him through the snow, finding that the effort was more tiring than she’d expected it to be.
Other than the clothes she wore, her belongings were still saddled on him. She reached into her bag and withdrew a brush, beginning to groom him. As she moved to brush his other side she caught a glimpse of the ravine below, memories of their battle flooding her.
After the avalanche started she’d run as fast as she could to stay ahead of it, coming up to the captain, who had been standing there frozen, staring at the chest of the mountain where she’d aimed the cannon. Her intention had been to cause that snow to cover the enemy army; she didn’t expect it to come roaring toward them as well. But then, she never did consider the consequences of her actions.
She’d grabbed Li Shang’s hand and dragged him into a run with her. They probably would have both been swallowed by the mountain of snow had it not been for Khan. He’d broken free from one of the soldiers that was gripping his reins and galloped through the roaring waves of tumbling snow to get her. Once she was mounted on him she was more easily able to search the sea of white, finding Captain Li and pulling him to safety.
Khan really was a remarkable horse, she reflected.
“Maybe when we get to that town I’ll be able to get a treat for you,” she murmured to him as she ran the brush through his mane. “You earned it.”
Wrapping her arms around his neck she gave him a quick hug.
“Unfortunately it will have to wait until then, though. Here you’ll have to eat what the other horses eat.”
Mulan slipped the brush back into her bag and gazed once more down into the blanketed ravine.
“I really am lucky though,” she mused. “I’ve had so many close calls. Maybe someone’s watching over me.”
Images of the destroyed family estate came unbidden and she suddenly remembered that the ancestral temple had oddly remained standing.
“The temple wasn’t destroyed. Perhaps the ancestors are still looking out for me.”
So many close calls, she recollected. Running into Doctor Liang after she left the Li household, and he didn’t report her. Her near-death experience in the ravine below. And now her revealing, which miraculously hadn’t ended with her execution as it should have. What was the captain doing? He’d told Chi Fu she might have been a spy, yet he hadn’t asked her one question about Shan-Yu, nor did he seem to have any intention of doing so.
Don’t worry about what you heard. That’s what he’d said.
She sighed sadly and shook her head. Why was she here? It was madness. What was it that had driven her to absolute certainty that this was the path she had to take? Was it fury and grief at seeing her home destroyed, her mother and grandmother gone? There had been no thoughts of revenge, nor was she aware of any desire to avenge them. She hadn’t even shed any tears for them so devastated with shock was she. Perhaps it was a need to feel in a moment when she was numb, as cold and dead as her family on the inside; or a desire to keep moving so she couldn’t feel at all.
The large black steed neighed softly rousing her from her musings and she turned to him with a light chuckle, heartened as she realized that she could still smile, still feel some semblance of hope.
“Maybe it’s you who’s looking after me, Khan. Did my ancestors hook me up with you?”
There was no doubt that Khan was an exceptional animal. Not only was he unusually protective of her, he seemed to understand her. It was incredible how he responded to her, how he actually communicated not with words of course, but with sounds and movements, a shake of the head, a stamping of a hoof, a quirky dance in place. Perhaps her ancestors had somehow arranged for her to end up in that town where she would buy him.
She laughed out loud as he answered her with an affectionate butt of his head against her shoulder.
Yes, she could believe that Khan might have been a guardian. Or at the very least a lucky charm.
oooOooo
Flurries were already falling as their small troop moved off down the mountain and toward the nearest village, attempting to stay ahead of the pending inclement weather as much as possible. Severely outnumbered to begin with, they’d lost so many men in the battle. Their dwindling troop survived because of the avalanche that swallowed the enemy army.
Cold and weakened from her wound, Mulan found the trek difficult. But Khan was simpatico with his mistress and acutely attuned to her condition. Sensing when she grew tired he slowed down, giving her time to rest. Unfortunately this caused her to fall behind the others, which caused Captain Li to have to backtrack from the head of the troop.
She stoically tolerated the tormenting that he dished out at those times. Since they’d left the pass he’d been alternating between completely cold-shouldering her and taunting her, every remark meant to remind her of her low status in the world.
Lest I forget that I’m at his mercy, she thought with a snort.
The first village they came to that evening was quite small but they made camp for the night on the outskirts of town. Her comrades hadn’t learned the truth yet of course, due to the captain’s order to Chi Fu and Doctor Yang, and they treated ‘Ping’ as always, glad to see that he was healing and on his feet again. Chi Fu, on the other hand, regarded her with utter disgust when he did grace her with a glance. Gone was the leer, and he no longer ogled her. Relieved as she was, she found the whole thing rather puzzling.
In the morning they moved off again, continuing down the mountain.
“Are you alright?” Doctor Yang asked, riding up beside her. “You’re looking pretty peaked.”
“I’ll be fine,” she lied, though she was struggling to remain sitting up and when they stopped for lunch she nearly fell off Khan as she went to dismount.
She moaned inwardly as she noticed Doctor Yang conversing with the captain while the rest of the troop ate, his face grave. All she could think of was the grinding she was going to get from Li Shang for holding them up.
But as they finished up and prepared to move out, Shang didn’t even throw her a passing glance.
The storm that they’d been expecting began as they traveled, soft flurries morphing into thick heavy snowflakes that stuck to them as they rode on. Visibility became obscured by swirling billows of white and it took every effort for her to keep the captain in sight.
As they reached a plateau further down the mountain an inn loomed up ahead of them and the captain signaled for them to stop.
“We’ll stay here tonight. Pair up, two to a room,” he ordered.
Mulan was put in a room with the doctor. It was made to order; he could look after her wound, and her true gender wouldn’t be revealed to anyone else. Lying awake on her pallet with nothing but a screen separating her from the rest of the room, she could still hear Doctor Yang and the captain speaking in hushed tones.
“She’s not keeping up because she’s still weak from her wound. I recommend at least a full day of rest for her here, Captain. It would only be one extra day. And if this snow doesn’t let up we’ll all be stuck here anyway.”
Shang sighed. “You’re right. Let’s see how the weather is tomorrow. As soon as it’s clear we need to get to the Imperial City. And we’re not taking her there with us.” Bitterness filled that word; her.
“What will you do then? Leave her here?”
“There are worse places. I could have left her on top of that mountain,” he retorted sharply.
A spell of silence followed before the captain spoke again, his tone hard, challenging.
“You were going to say something?”
“No, Captain,” Doctor Yang answered softly.
“Keep me apprised of her condition.”
The door opened and shut, signaling the captain’s leaving.
*******
Chapter 10
By the time morning came the snow was so high it blocked half of the entrance of the inn. A couple of the soldiers had climbed out one of the higher windows and were already attempting to clear a path from the inn to the stable, although the snow was still falling heavily, slowly covering over the newly-forged walkway. Fortunately the inn was well-stocked with food and supplies, but at some point the proprietor would need to venture out to replenish everything.
Still feeling restless and nettled inside, Mulan dressed and tied up her hair, continuing her masquerade as Ping. Many of the men were having breakfast in the dining area, which had been converted into a mess hall for the troop. She didn’t feel like eating; though the medicine that Doctor Yang was giving her eased the pain, it left her feeling nauseous.
The men had succeeded in removing the snow from in front of the door and she stepped outside to get some air. Though the snow fell heavily it wasn’t that cold. The soldiers that were working to clear the walk peered at her with odd expressions on their faces, wondering why she was venturing out to walk in this, but she just nodded greetings to them and continued on her way.
There was very little in the immediate vicinity of the inn, only a large stable for the guests and a few small houses in the distance. Walking became more of an effort as she drew away from the cleared path. Her boots sank into the soft snow and each step required her to pull her legs out of a knee-deep hole.
The exercise was pointless, but she hated being cooped up and longed to get the fresh air, even if just for a short spell. Remaining inside with nothing to do she would be too tempted to worry and wallow in self-pity over her latest predicament. There would be plenty of time for that once the captain moved off with the troop and left her.
“What are you doing out here?”
Li Shang’s bark nearly made her jump out of her skin. He’d followed her out of the inn, allowing her to walk the distance that she had before making his presence known to her. He must have had a bone to pick, and wanted to do it away from the place where the other soldiers were gathered. She waited as he came hurrying up to her as fast as he could through the high drifts, his lips curled, face contorted into an angry snarl.
“Are you trying to make yourself sick, Fifth Mistress?”
The words and his tone cut her like a knife. Mulan blinked at him in shock, unable to speak for several minutes.
“The doctor wants you resting and I suggest you follow his direction. After the trouble I went through, antagonizing Chi Fu, in order to spare your miserable life, you might as well make it worthwhile.”
He turned on his heel and began to leave her there. She was shaking with humiliation, fury and hurt. Was that all he came out here for? To say that?
“How terrible it must be for you to owe your life to such a low creature,” she retorted, stopping him in his tracks.
Anger smoldered in his eyes as he whirled around to face her again. But when he spoke his voice was even, barely concealing the rage that he clearly felt. Only his hoarse, shaky exhale gave away just how furious he was at her.
“Why did you leave my father’s house? What were you thinking?”
“That I didn’t want to die like Third Wife,” she blurted out.
“What?”
She turned away from him, mentally kicking herself for letting those words slip. That was something she should have kept to herself.
“Third Wife killed herself.”
“Whatever you say.”
Shang stared at her, stunned. “You weren’t even there at the time. What else do you think happened to her?”
He wouldn’t believe what Honglian said, she was sure of that. So she didn’t bother to repeat it to him, merely shrugging a response.
“Why would you end up like her? Were you thinking of killing yourself?” He emitted a cruel chortle suddenly and his tone was sardonic as he spoke the next words. “Is that why you joined the army? Slow suicide?”
She glanced in his direction, fixing him with a steady, emotionless gaze.
“It’s getting cold out here,” she said icily. “I should get inside. Doctor Yang’s orders and all.”
Without a second glance at him Mulan turned on her heel now and left him standing in the snow, feeling somewhat self-satisfied. Of course, the effect would have been much better if she hadn’t been stumbling over the large snowdrifts.
oooOooo
For yet another dark night Mulan’s sleep was pervaded by nightmares. Chimeras flickered in and out of her vision, ghosts of the slain soldiers that they’d found. Spirits that would never rest, they hovered around her with somber faces of stone. A couple of them seemed to admonish her, with words that were just out of her earshot; she was sure that General Li was one of them. The other wasn’t a soldier; it was Honglian.
Her eyes fluttered open and her heart was racing as she awoke, pounding in her chest so loud she could barely hear over it. Her mind cleared from the fog of sleep and she brought a hand up from underneath the covers to wipe at the sweat on her face. She closed her eyes again and released a sigh, wondering if she would ever be able to sleep peacefully again.
Mulan kicked off the bedclothes and sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and groping for a flint so she could light the lantern beside her. As the room became dimly illuminated, she sat on the bed for several minutes, posture tense and alert, hair damp with perspiration and sticking to her face, her eyes darting around the room as she unconsciously made sure the spirits from her dreams hadn’t lingered in the room with her.
Shaking off her foolish fears, she waited for the pounding in her chest to subside. She pushed her hair off of her face and drew a sleeve across her brow, attempting to make herself feel ‘normal’ again. Then she stood up as her thumping heart calmed to a slower, steadier rhythm and moved over to the window. The snow hadn’t stopped yet, which meant that the troop likely wouldn’t move out the next day. She wouldn’t be left on her own just yet; but the prospect of it dampened her mood even more.
Where would she go next? She had no family, no means; even continuing to live life as a soldier wasn’t an option now. And she’d failed to make anything up to her father’s memory.
Depression and despair fell on her like a lead weight and she hurriedly moved away from the window and her dismal thoughts. Slipping on her boots and coat she grabbed the lantern and ventured out of the room, silently shutting the door behind her. She walked quietly to the main entrance of the inn and stepped outside, shutting the front door behind her.
Large white flakes fell softly in the night. The walkway that the soldiers had cleared from the entrance toward the stable was less navigable now; it had been buried quickly by the steadily falling snow, the imprint of the path left behind, a dent that was half the depth of the drifts around it.
It looked like the troop wouldn’t be leaving quite so soon.
“Do you need something to help you sleep?”
Mulan started and whirled around. She hadn’t heard anyone come down nor had she heard the door open behind her.
“Doctor Yang…”
“I heard you get up. Please come inside. You shouldn’t be out in this and the captain will have my head if he finds out that you’re out here.”
She studied his aged face and features. He had kind eyes and he seemed to regard her with an almost fatherly protectiveness. Now he stood in front of the door, boots on his feet and a coat over his sleeping gown, looking quite chilled. Why the captain would get on his case because she was outside was beyond her, but she wouldn’t want to see him blamed for anything that wasn’t his fault.
With a nod she conceded and indicated with a gesture that she was coming in. Upon returning to the room, she removed her boots and coat and shuffled back to bed, pulling her blanket around her but remaining sitting up. She declined when Doctor Yang once again asked if she wanted a tonic to help her sleep.
He sat down on his bed with a sigh and eyed her with concern, the screen that had originally separated her bed from the rest of the room gone now. She shifted uncomfortably, sensing that the aged patriarch understood more about her than she would have liked. After all he was sleeping in the same room with her. Though he’d never said a word about it, he must have heard her cry out when she woke from the throes of her nightmares, no matter how she tried to suppress the sounds.
“Are you sure?” he pressed. “It wouldn’t be anything strong. Something gentle to relax you so you can get the rest you need.”
“I’m okay,” she answered, unable to suppress a shudder that ran up her spine as images from her dreams came to mind again. “Besides, pretty soon I’ll have a lot of time to rest.”
“Hmm. Yes,” he answered, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “You are in quite a predicament.”
She bit back a snide retort and merely nodded again. “I don’t know if the troop will move out tomorrow, but eventually…”
“Yes. I believe that the captain would keep your secret and let you continue on to the Imperial City with the troop if not for that councilman.”
“Somehow I doubt that. It seems to me that he hates me.”
“He’s angry because you’ve pulled the wool over his eyes, passing yourself off as a man in his camp for so long. If this hadn’t been his first command I don’t think you would have. You lucked out in that he had too much on his mind to notice that you weren’t what you were supposed to be.”
“I was lucky. Besides, he’s been a very good captain.”
“Captain Li is not like his father, as much as he strives to be. General Li was a ruthless man. An excellent general, yes, but if he were in his son’s place right now he would have executed you without a second thought, no matter if you had saved his life. He saw things in black and white. His son, on the other hand, is a sensitive young man who has the potential to see shades of grey. That makes things much more complicated for him.”
“But…maybe General Li would have been right to execute me. I dishonored the Chinese army. And myself.”
“Yet you brought them and yourself honor by aiding them to defeat an enemy and keep our Emperor safe. And you saved Captain Li’s life personally. No, therein lies the captain’s dilemma. He is a man that values honor above all things. To kill you after you saved him would not be honorable. And though he would never admit it, I think he even feels conflicted about leaving you here when the troop departs. Or anywhere else for that matter.”
“Well, he owes me nothing now. He did spare my life. Besides, wherever I’m left, I’ll find something to do. I guess that’ll be here, when the snow clears.”
“Maybe. He still has you masquerading as your male alter ego and has sworn the councilman and me to secrecy.”
“But that’s only because he doesn’t want the other men to know that ‘the wool was pulled over his eyes’, as you say. He doesn’t want them to think that he’s a fool.”
“Perhaps,” he answered quietly. He glanced toward the window then sighed. “Dawn will be here soon. We should both get some sleep. I’ll be here if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
He eased his legs onto the bed and stretched out, pulling the blankets around him. Mulan stretched out on her own bed, bundling herself up in her blankets. Reluctant to sleep and sink back into the nightmares, she lay still and waited for the sun to come up.
oooOooo
“Fa!”
Li Shang’s curt bark followed her as she trudged through the snow, heading away from the inn.
“Yes, sir?”
“Get back inside!” he shouted.
If she wasn’t so annoyed she might have burst into giggles at his audacity to order her around as if she was a child and he was her parent. They’d been stranded in this inn for a few days now and everyone was stir crazy. Why did it matter that she went out to get some air?
“Doctor Yang wants to check your wound anyway.”
Without a word she turned and followed him back inside. Passing by the men of the troop, who were gathered in the dining hall playing weiqi and mahjongg, she headed upstairs to her room where Doctor Yang was waiting.
“I’ll be right outside,” Shang told him. “Let me know the status when you’re finished.”
“Yes, Captain.”
Left alone, Mulan lay on her bed and Doctor Yang removed the dressing and took a look at her abdomen. “This has healed very nicely. I’m going to remove the stitches.”
“Okay.”
She watched as he sterilized his surgical tool in the flame of the candle.
“Why do you instigate fights with him?” he asked as he began to work on removing her stitches.
“I? Instigate?”
“It’s terribly cold out there, even though the snow has stopped, and the captain is still concerned for your health in spite of himself. I think that you venture out there everyday just to provoke him into worrying and arguing with you.”
“What?” she exclaimed. “You think I want to fight with him?”
“Don’t you?”
“No! I’m sick of fighting with him. We’ve been stuck in this inn for days and I’m going nuts. I just want to get a little bit of air.”
“You could just open the shutters over the windows and let the air in.”
Mulan fell silent, unable to respond. That hadn’t occurred to her. It wasn’t just the air she needed; she needed to go outside. She had to escape the confines of these walls and of her morbid thoughts. But that wasn’t something she could explain.
“It’s not the same,” she answered weakly. “I’m tired of being in one place.”
If nothing else, his own provocative conversation starter made the time pass. He’d finished removing her stitches before she knew it.
“You’re done.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll let the captain know. Maybe you’d feel better if you came downstairs and played mahjongg or something with your comrades.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, I’m going to see if I can join in. See you later.”
He left the room, shutting the door behind him, and their muffled voices carried through to her as they spoke, sounds without words. A few minutes later she heard footsteps growing distant as they walked away. Or so she thought. A moment later there was a knock on the door.
“Yes?” she called out, sitting up. She stood and began to cross toward the door to admit whoever it was, probably Li Shang. The door opened before she reached it and sure enough he stepped in, shutting it behind him.
“So, you’re all healed now. Does that mean that when we’re ready to move out we don’t have to worry about you holding us up?” he sneered bitterly.
“Why would I hold you up? Aren’t you leaving me here?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, I heard…”
“I told you not to worry about what you heard,” he snapped.
They stood there staring each other down, neither of them speaking. And Doctor Yang thought she was the one instigating the fights?
“Really,” he scoffed. “Married to my father for…how long? And you’re still a child. You’d die of pneumonia out there in the icy cold if you were left to your own devices. You did this back home, too.”
Why did he even care?
“You heard that from good old Yun, I suppose.”
“What?” he snapped.
“Second Wife,” she corrected herself. Yun was much older and Shang very likely wouldn’t have known her by her first name. “I don’t even know why you care anymore. If I die of pneumonia you certainly won’t have to take me anywhere. Oh, I see, maybe you’re worried that you might have to give me a soldier’s burial to keep the men from knowing…”
He took a step toward her, his face contorted with fury and she cut off the sentence and took an involuntary step back, knowing that she’d crossed an invisible line with that remark.
“She had a lot of power in the house, I know,” she said softly, steering the subject back to Yun. “I know she watched me and reported back to the general. And to you, too, apparently.”
“Even though I was at the Academy for most of the year I did come home sometimes,” he spoke calmly, though he still glowered at her, his anger seething just beneath the surface. “The garden is visible from the upper floors of the Li compound, Mulan. I saw you out there, practicing your martial arts, even in the snow. You were pretty good at it, even before you came to camp.”
“I didn’t realize you watched me.”
He snorted. “I wanted to see for myself what Second Wife was talking about.”
Mulan had no answer for that. She supposed she knew that he would come home at times, but she’d never seen him other than that first day. It never occurred to her that he’d seen her.
“My father was annoyed at it but he didn’t do a thing. I thought he was foolish, not putting you in your place. But I suppose I understand, in a way. He really doted on you, his beautiful little young wife. Almost young enough to be his granddaughter,” he snorted again, throwing her a look of absolute disgust.
As if she had a choice in that matter, taken away to be a concubine to his old father when her own father was dying.
“I suppose you think I should have been matched to you,” she blurted out in defense, her tone nasty.
She didn’t know why she’d said it, but as the words passed from her lips the truth of them resonated in the center of her being. That was why he hated her so much. She was younger than any of the wives that came before, even Honglian was nineteen when she arrived there. Younger even than General Li’s own son, she was more suited for him than his father. He must have thought his father foolish for many reasons, including that one. And, she realized suddenly, he’d just called her beautiful. Had she passed the matchmaker’s test, maybe…
The hair on the back of her neck prickled on its ends as they stood face to face, eyes locked, neither of them moving. Shang was frozen, gaping at her, his expression a mixture of shock and anger, his body taut and his fists clenched. The thought crossed her mind that he might kill her with his bare hands in that moment.
He suddenly lunged toward her savagely; she was too stunned to move though he appeared to be about to hurt her. His hands seized her shoulders brutally and he pulled her toward him so violently that her feet were half lifted off of the floor. Her breath caught in her throat as he stared into her face momentarily, just inches away from her. Then his lips covered hers, the kiss rough, demanding, searing; she could feel him frenziedly taking small bites of her lip.
His arms wound around her so tightly and possessively she thought he might crush her. Recovering from the initial shock of the liberty he’d taken, she responded to the kiss, wrapping her arms around his massive frame and pressing her body against his, whimpering with pleasure at the feel of his long, hard, muscular body against hers and the passionate violence of the kiss.
She pulled her lips away from his, gasping for breath as she suddenly became lifted up and turned around, and he slammed her up against the wall, almost completely knocking the wind out of her and pinning her with his large frame.
Mulan was terrified and aroused all at once. Sensing that she’d caught her breath again somewhat, his lips pressed up against hers once more. One hand was already groping at her clothing while the other continued to pin her against the wall. He was so violent, so angry, his kisses urgent, frenzied, desperate.
A small cry escaped from her parted lips when he raised his head and he leaned down once more, cutting the sound off with another kiss.
Thoughts raced through her mind. What if Doctor Yang walked in? What if the men downstairs heard them? Did she want this? With the death of her husband, she’d worried that she would never have sex again. She certainly never expected it with his son.
As Shang pulled away she looked up into his face, fevered with desire, his eyes almost glazed, blazing with passion. The perfectly sculpted angular shape, the strong, prominent jaw line, beautiful dark eyes. Had she always thought him this handsome? She vaguely remembered comparing his physique to his father’s one day, back when she was at the Li compound. Would she have allowed herself to notice him sooner had she not considered him off-limits?
And what would he do with her after he’d had her in this way? What if she asked him to stop now? Would he? Did she want him to?
He’d become still suddenly, ceasing his attempts to yank her clothing off, his arms vibrating with the tension of controlling himself, the raw desperation bubbling just under the surface. He brought his hand up to cover her cheek, caressing it gently, a smile slowly turning up the corners of his mouth. She couldn’t remember him ever smiling at her.
She managed a tentative smile back. He drew the hand that was stroking her face away, down to tug at the sash of the tunic she was wearing. Hesitating for a moment, he eyed her questioningly, wordlessly asking her permission.
Mulan barely managed the tiniest nod.
It was nothing like being with General Li. The general’s movements had been much slower and more methodical; he was gentle and patient. Of course, he’d been nearly fifty years old and not in such great shape anymore; there were times even when he had difficulty, when the sex drive of a girl who wasn’t even eighteen yet was more than he could handle.
Shang was young and virile. The savage passion with which he seized her left bruises on her skin and stirred up her own primal desires; as his teeth bit at her nipples she found herself clawing at his hair and shoulders and arms, gasping and heaving in rhythm with his heavy panting, her body writhing and quivering against his. She could feel the blood pounding in her ears as he pushed inside of her with such aggressive force that she almost cried out. But then the troop, downstairs in the dining hall, oblivious to what was going on upstairs, would know. Blood flowed from her lower lip from the force with which she bit down on it to keep from screaming and her nails dug into the flesh of his back as she gyrated her hips in rhythm with his deep thrusts until they both climaxed.
Both of them collapsed, he on top of her, his head falling onto her shoulder, and they lay there on the floor near the wall, both of them panting, sweaty, spent.
They would need to open the shutters over the window and let the air in, she thought absently. The scent of sweat and sex and of their bodies still filled her nostrils.
He raised himself up on an elbow and leaned over her, reaching out with his free hand to smooth away a damp lock of hair that stuck to her face.
“Are you alright?” he asked, his voice sounding almost tender.
She nodded, smiling slightly, not wanting the confusion she was feeling to show in her face. “Yes,” she answered hoarsely.
But she wasn’t sure.
*******
Chapter 11
They dressed in silence and he left the room. She had expected that. No doubt he felt as awkward and confused as she did. After all, they really barely knew each other. As captain and subordinate perhaps, but not as man and woman and certainly not as two people that had carnal knowledge of one another. She still wasn’t exactly sure what had happened; what had come over her.
As much as she had prepared herself for it, it still disturbed her when he walked out without so much as a peep. She sighed and moved over to the window to open the shutter, her first thought to air out the room. Then she went to sit on her bed, lowering her head in her hands and beginning to contemplate what she had just done.
She looked up with a slight start at the sound of the door opening again. Shang entered carrying a bowl and a towel. Kicking the door shut behind him, he approached her and set the bowl down on the table beside her bed. There was water in the bowl, she saw now.
Handing her the towel, he gestured to the water and then toward her face. “For your lip.”
Her hand went to her lower lip and she explored the spot where she’d bitten down. “Oh. Thank you.”
It was already becoming slightly swollen and she realized it was throbbing. Her mind had been so weighted down with confusion and uneasiness at what she had done that she hadn’t noticed and had forgotten about it.
Shang took a seat on the edge of Doctor Yang’s bed and watched her as she dampened the towel in the cool water and pressed it against her lower lip, wincing at the initial sting from putting pressure on the cut.
“I remember that day I met you in the corridor at home,” he began. “You had just arrived the night before.”
Mulan nodded and lowered the towel to speak. “I made you so angry. You were practicing your moves and I interrupted you.”
“No, I wasn’t angry at you,” he answered gruffly.
“The way you looked at me…”
“I was angry at my father.” The words were rough, uttered with a wistful sigh, and he turned his head to gaze out the window. “You were only sixteen when you arrived at our house, weren’t you, Mulan?”
“Yes,” she answered tentatively.
His eyes closed and he shook his head slowly, a soft expulsion of air passing from his lips. “He was three times your age,” he said finally.
“That bothered you?”
“He was a fool.”
She stared at him in surprise.
“It’s my duty to honor his memory now that he’s gone,” he began softly. “What went on between us, any disagreements, none of that matters any longer. He was an excellent general and a brave man, and he taught me to be what I am today. But…he was foolish. It was bad enough when he took Second Wife. My mother still had her looks, but she was over thirty and he wanted someone younger.”
Shang shook his head, perplexed, as if he couldn’t begin to fathom what his father had been thinking. He was speaking so candidly to her it took her aback somewhat. In her discomfort she concentrated on dabbing the cloth in water again and tending to her lip as she listened.
“The thing is, he was getting older, too,” he continued, his tone laced with annoyance. “It was ridiculous for him to be with such young girls. Every new wife he took was younger than the last. Third Wife was only twenty-two when he married her…and Fourth Wife was nineteen!”
His face creased into an expression of absolute disgust as he rattled off Honglian’s age.
“And then I heard about you…my mother told me she’d met you and how old you were. I couldn’t believe it.”
“Oh, that’s what it was,” she murmured, remembering the look he’d given her. At the time she had assumed that his disgust was toward her; but it was her age and the fact that his father had taken someone so young as a concubine.
“I know men of high status do it all the time, but still…it bothered me.”
He turned away from the window to gaze at her intently now. For the first time she noticed that he had very kind eyes when he allowed his face to soften, to not appear so stern.
“It must have been very hard for you,” he remarked quietly.
“I failed the matchmaker’s test. My father was very ill and I was taking care of him. I thought I just wouldn’t get married; that I would stay home and continue to take care of him. It never occurred to me that I would instead be sent away to be someone’s fifth wife. The day I left home he looked so awful, so heartbroken. I did that to him.” She sighed sadly.
“What happened at the matchmaker’s?”
“I was nervous. She never did like me and I felt as if I was doomed to fail before I even went in there because of that. Self-fulfilling prophecy,” she laughed. “I ended up spilling tea all over her good dress, among other things.”
“A positive attitude makes a difference. As a soldier, you’ve learned that lesson well now. I bet if you went back to her you would do just fine.”
Mulan felt heartened as she glimpsed his lopsided half-smile. He looked nice when he smiled. Her own smile faded as thoughts of her conversation with Doctor Yang a few nights before came to mind and remorse settled in her chest. She owed him apologies as well; she’d been cruel, too, and she’d made things very difficult for him.
“Shang, I never meant to make a fool out of you. It was a coincidence that I ended up in your camp. At first I was afraid you’d recognize me, but then I thought that maybe you wouldn’t even remember that day in the corridor. You’re not a fool. I think you’re a great captain.”
A wistful sigh escaped his lips. “I know that I’m an excellent warrior. But I’ve come to realize that I’ll probably never be the leader my father was. I don’t know if I care. With his death,” his voice became tight and he stopped, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “That all doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I just want to get my men home and then return to my own house. Forget about war, the army.”
She lowered her head and gazed down into her lap. And what of her? Both of them had lost control of themselves in a brief moment of desperation and lust. There was no love and their act meant nothing. But she wondered if this would change her situation at all. Would he feel guilty now, responsible for her in some odd way? Perhaps he would feel it was his duty to see to it that she was left somewhere safe. Or maybe he figured that she’d allowed him to take his liberties with her in order to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her. If that was the conclusion he came to, he’d be very angry and perhaps his punishment would be even more severe. Whichever way it went, she knew that she didn’t want him to feel obligated to her; and she certainly didn’t want to feel beholden to him.
“At least for a little while,” he added with a sigh.
Their eyes met when she raised her head again and looked at him.
“Your home...” he began.
Mulan shook her head. He was beginning to tread on dangerous territory.
“When you left…you went there and found out what had happened to it, to your village.”
“I bought Khan in one of the villages near the Li compound. And then I rode home…” she trailed off and swallowed hard. “Our ancestral shrine remained standing. Funny how they destroyed everything else and left that intact. I suppose even the enemy can recognize something sacred.” She shakily released a bitter laugh at that and tossed the damp cloth she’d been holding away. “My father had died not long after I came to live with the general. His name was already on the ancestral tablets…but my mother and grandmother…”
She trailed off again and closed her eyes, bracing herself against the twinge of pain that had gripped her heart despite the effort she’d made to not feel it. The floorboards creaked from the weight of him shifting on the bed and she opened her eyes. He’d stood up and taken a hesitant step toward her.
“Mulan…” he began softly but she shook her head and held a hand up to stop him. He sat down again.
Tears had begun to form in her eyes and she angrily brought a hand up to wipe them away. The tender expression on his face, the concern in his eyes all conspired to cleave her heart open, laying bare the feelings that she preferred to keep shut up and she turned away. Her muscles around her throat ached unbearably from forcing back the huge lump that had formed there. She swallowed hard again and brought her hands up to her neck, softly stroking the skin to ease the pain.
Regaining control of herself after a few minutes, she lowered her hands back into her lap and faced him again. “I added their names to the tablets and left. There was nothing there anymore. I don’t know how many days I was riding before I found a village. Scrolls were pasted up everywhere with the names of the men that had been called into service. My father’s name was still up there…and a man in town referred to me as a young man. My hair was tied back and I’d lost weight, so I guess I didn’t look womanly to him. That’s what gave me the idea.”
“And that’s when you decided to join the army, in your father’s place?”
“Yes.”
“I can understand that you wanted revenge on the people that did that…”
“No, not revenge…I don’t think. I can’t really tell you why. I wish I could…that I could give you a noble reason for why I did this. But I can’t…I was compelled to do it.”
“Maybe you were meant to be here,” he mused, “to carry out that crazy idea of yours and save us.”
She shrugged.
“You saved my life…you went out of your way to do it, at the risk of getting killed yourself.”
“Well, in hindsight, rushing toward Shan-Yu was pretty stupid. Chi Fu is right. It’s pure luck that my idea worked; it really could have turned into disaster.”
“After the avalanche started I was lost in the wave of snow…you could have gotten yourself to safety. But instead you rode into the thick of the avalanche to rescue me. You risked your life to come after me.”
There was gratitude in his eyes and she felt her cheeks become warm with pride.
“You know, you could go back to the Li compound, Mulan. You’d be one of General Li’s widows, but at least you’d have a home, and you could live out your life comfortably. No one there has to know what happened.”
“What would I tell them? That I had a bad feeling about my family and hurried home to them?”
“Yes,” he answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
She didn’t know what to say. He was completely unaware of the underhanded fighting that went on between the wives, and she would never bring it up to him since he would assume that she was talking about his mother as well. Of course that wouldn’t matter now, since there was no General Li to fight over. Just his money.
But then there was the boredom factor, and the idea of being confined within the walls of the compound for the rest of her life. She couldn’t explain that to him either, or the fact that she was afraid she’d go insane the way Honglian did.
“It’s very kind of you to offer such a thing after everything I’ve done. But…you’re already in hot water with Chi Fu. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”
“Don’t worry about me. I can handle Chi Fu. I’ve had plenty of practice.”
He grinned at her and she couldn’t help but laugh. Somehow, from one simple act of wild, meaningless passion, they’d crossed back over a line; no longer bitter enemies, they had become friends, each of them revealing something to the other that neither could express to anyone else.
It was the beginning of a very odd friendship indeed.
oooOooo
Every single time was rough and violent. Often he hurt her, leaving her raw and bruised from the force with which he shoved himself inside of her. But she didn’t care. Passion and pain were the two things that reminded her that she was alive.
This really is a very strange…affair, she thought with a quiet sigh.
She rolled onto her side to look at the man lying on the floor beside her, catching his breath. They didn’t love each other, she knew that. He’d been her captain and she had always respected him. Other than that, she hadn’t figured out her own feelings for him yet; all she knew was that she loved running her hands across his massive chest and along the defined contours of his sculpted torso, arms, legs. She loved the feel of his warm, muscular body against hers when they lay together, wrapping her legs around him to pull him as close as possible against her. She loved the way he embraced her so fervently that he nearly squeezed the breath out of her, the way he grabbed her so hard he left red marks on her skin, the smell of his sweat and passion, the fullness of him inside of her, and she loved resting her head against his broad shoulder as she caught her breath with him after climaxing.
His feelings for her were a complete mystery. When he came to her during these stolen moments alone the insatiable hunger and desire in his eyes was unmistakable. But when their lovemaking was finished, she was on shaky ground, unsure of his intentions.
Shang had made clear in just a few words that, though he respected General Li as a military man, he’d had less of an opinion of him as a father. After so many disagreements a rift had formed between father and son, never to be repaired due to the general’s untimely death. Young Master Li had clearly resented his father’s behavior and coveted his youngest wife. Her. It occurred to her that Shang had used her to get back at his father. Maybe that was why he’d wanted her so desperately that first time. But that would have been the end of it if that was the case, wouldn’t it? Instead, every time that they had a chance to be alone in her room without the others knowing he was back.
Mulan closed her eyes and mused on the moments she’d had with him, before and after her revealing. The day they came to that village and found that the general’s army had been beaten, destroyed. She remembered how he looked at her when he came to sit by the fire with her, to make sure ‘Ping’ was alright. How concerned his expression was, how he’d noticed she hadn’t eaten. He must have been beside himself with grief, yet there he was looking after her.
Even after he’d discovered the truth, despite his unspeakable fury, he’d worried about her. All those bad nights filled with pain and nightmares, how many times had she woken to find him sitting beside her, watching over her, asking her if she needed the doctor to give her something? So beside herself with pain and fear, she hadn’t thought twice about it or even wondered why he’d been keeping vigil over her sleeping form. Did he care for her in his own odd way?
This would be the last time that they would have a moment like this probably. Everyone was anxious to get moving, tired of being in one place for so many days, and they all wanted to get home. The snow had ceased and was finally beginning to melt. The troop would be leaving the next day, though their journey would be slow-going due to the depth of the snow. She didn’t know whether she would be leaving with the rest of them or not, nor had she ever given Shang an answer after he suggested that she return to the Li compound. Once they parted she would never see him again.
He rolled onto his side now and gazed at her. Melancholy pervaded her as she regarded his face. They’d been so physically close, yet they barely knew each other and she couldn’t imagine that they would ever begin to understand the nuances of one another.
Shang reached over and stroked her face tenderly. “Mulan…I…” He trailed off, looking somewhat perplexed, as if he wanted to tell her something but was unable to speak it out loud. “Our victory is your victory, Mulan. You deserve to be honored for it, more than any of us. But…if you came to the Imperial City with us, you would be signing your own death sentence.”
“I don’t expect a reward for doing my duty. For doing what was right.”
“Still…I wish there was more that I could do for you.” He sighed. “If it weren’t for Chi Fu…”
Silence stretched between them as he trailed off, unable to speak the rest of that thought. Then he sighed again.
“We’re still a long way from the Imperial City and I want to make sure wherever you stay is safe.”
“I’ll be fine from here. What will you tell the others? That I’m too weak to travel so I stayed behind?”
“It’s an idea. After we… report to the Emperor, I can come back for you. We can travel home to my family’s house together.”
She didn’t respond. There was no way to explain why she didn’t want to return with him and she thought it better not to contradict him or even speak with him any further about it. Once he was gone with the troop, she would leave on her own for points unknown and ask the proprietor of the inn to convey a message to Shang that she’d left.
It would be too late for him to stop her then.
oooOooo
“What will you do now?”
Doctor Yang’s bag was packed and he turned at the door to bid her goodbye.
“I’ll be heading north, to Wan County. It’s where I grew up and I still have some relatives there,” she lied.
He frowned.
“Have a safe journey,” she continued.
“And you as well. Here,” he said, withdrawing a small packet from his bag. “In case you have any problem with the wound getting infected.”
After giving her instructions for preparing and using the herbs, he wished her well and cautioned her to be careful, then left the room.
She dressed quickly and ventured out of the room to see her comrades off, anxious to be on her way as soon as they were all gone. Li Shang met her in the corridor.
“Have a safe trip, Captain.” She saluted him.
“Do you have enough money to pay for your room until I can get back here?” he asked quietly.
“I’m all set. Thank you.”
As soon as she was sure that the troop was long gone, she packed her bag and left a message for Shang with the proprietor, who stared at her like she had two heads then agreed with a nod of his head to give him the message.
After saddling Khan and preparing him for the journey, she set off in the opposite direction from the Imperial City, back toward the village that they’d stayed in the night before they arrived at that inn.
When she got to the village she was greeted by a group of panicking residents who described to her six strangers, one of massive size with golden eyes, that had passed through town five days before.
Based on their description she realized that somehow a handful of the enemy army had survived, including Shan-Yu. She couldn’t fathom how it was possible though. They had been buried under massive amounts of snow.
“They were heading south.”
Mulan nodded agreement. “Toward the Imperial City,” she assessed quickly.
“Where is the rest of your troop?” a man asked.
“They are all headed home, as was I. But maybe I can catch up to them and warn them. You said they passed through here five days ago. Were they on foot or on horseback?”
“On foot when they arrived. But they left with six horses, obtai
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A Tale of the Woman