Revelations of Destiny | By : Kellendros Category: Kim Possible > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 63461 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Kim Possible, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Ron ended up driving around for hours in a near-mindless haze, completely distracted from everything around him as he tried to comprehend what Kim had told him. Eventually, as his brain finally started to put things together, he found himself returning to the one place other than the Possible home that he’d always seen as a fortress of solitude and shelter from the storm since he was a little boy; his tree house.
Climbing the aging but still sturdy ladder steps nailed to the side of the tree, Ron carefully made his way up into the large arboreal structure. Once inside, he quickly found his old but well-preserved lantern right where he remembered leaving it years ago, and, after a little work filling it with fresh naphtha from the half-full can in the same box, pressurized the fuel tank and used a wooden match to light the lantern, filling the surprisingly well-constructed and furnished room with a bright white light.
Sitting down on the sofa after hanging the lantern from a heavy hook in the middle of the main roof support, Ron leaned back and looked up at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, just letting his mind wander for a few minutes. While Ron drifted in his own head, Rufus made his way out from Ron’s pants’ pocket and began cautiously exploring the familiar yet long-neglected tree house he hadn’t been to in years.
Eventually Ron looked around with slightly more attention as his thoughts slowly began congealing in his head, and as his gaze traveled around his surroundings it fell upon the old, slightly torn and faded picture of himself and Kim when they were only ten years old; the one he’d had blown up to poster size and nailed to the wall in a prominent position.
Sighing, Ron said; “Man, we sure had fun when we were kids, when it was just the two of us.”
Looking up from where he was perched on a small shelf, Rufus grinned and said “Y-heah” a second later he stumbled across Ron’s old raccoon cap and held it up, saying; “Hey-hey; camp!”
Ron smiled wistfully and shook his head. “Ahhh yes, Camp Wannaweep; the worst summer of my life. The ticks, the poison ivy, the toxic lake, mom stopped accepting my phone calls… yeah, y’know all that stuff was bad Rufus, but… you know what was worse? Spending a whole summer away from Kim.”
Ron looked out the darkened window with a sad expression on his face, and Rufus set the cap down with a soft “Awww” before jumping off the shelf and scampering over to Ron.
Hopping up on the couch, Rufus patted Ron on the knee sympathetically. After a few minutes of silent empathy, Rufus looked up and met Ron’s gaze, beginning to chatter and gesture at his owner as he did. Fortunately for Rufus, this was one of the times Ron was on the same wavelength as he was, and his friend actually got the point he was trying to get across to him; that maybe what Kim had told him was bothering him more than he was willing to admit.
“Talkin’ about Kim being Gay? Wah-ya?” Ron responded with nervous gestures. “Noooo… why would I have a problem with her being Gay? Ya-noooo… I’m down with that… and Corscan? Noooo… why would I have a problem with her either? She seemed pretty cool that time we met her…” Ron began wheezing and fidgeting badly.
Rufus shook his head and continued his chattering pantomime, communicating that Kim being Gay and her seeing Corscan wasn’t going to change what the two friends were all about; that they’d always be tight. Then he let Ron know that maybe it was time for him to grow up; he wasn’t a little kid in pre-K now.
“Well maybe I don’t wanna grow up if that means…” Ron said in a forceful sulk before trailing off, unwilling to finish the thought out loud.
Rufus just gazed quietly at Ron with his bright ebony eyes, and after a few moments under that knowing stare Ron petulantly added; “I’m not jealous!”
Rufus raised an eyebrow and kept looking at his friend steadily, having known the truth for a long time now by the subtle changes in his owner’s scent that had been going on when he was around Kim, or talking to her on the phone, or even when he was just thinking about her.
Eventually Ron shook his head and sighed deeply before he began talking again. “I don’t know Rufus. It’s not like Kim hasn’t dated before—yeah, sure, they were guys, but still… I mean hey; I was the one she called when she and Walter Nelson locked braces…” Ron threw up his hands. “I got my mom to drive them to the orthodontist!”
Rufus nodded, and Ron gestured idly with his right hand. “And the whole Josh Manky thing? A-y’know I was never in favor of that, but I was there for Kim.”
After a long, silent pause Ron continued hesitantly, cautious of expressing his feelings out loud for the first time. “Something’s different now… I mean there’s something between us.” Ron gestured idly with both hands. “Who am I kidding that’s not different; something’s been there a long time… at least I thought there was something there, but did she?”
Ron shook his head. “Ever since that stupid thing with the Moodulators I thought maybe… y’know… that it might be possible… y’know?” Even now, Ron couldn’t say it out loud. “The only reason I didn’t say anything sooner was because… well, y’know, it’s humiliating for one, but more importantly, what if I showed up yapping about my feelings and it turns out it was all on my end and she didn’t feel anything like that for me at all—I’m talking total flameout!”
Ron paused and shook his head again morosely “And now… if Kim thinks she’s Gay… how the heck am I supposed to get past that? On top of which she’s sleeping with someone who I’m guessing is pretty good at it, given that she’s got the inside track with having the same owner’s manual and all… and rich… I mean, she gave Kim that sweet ride and she must be spending a fortune flying her around the country all the time. How the heck could I possibly compete with that?”
Ron sighed deeply, looking miserable. “It’s like fate decided to kick me in the ‘nads because I didn’t step up when I had the chance to, y’know what I mean? And now I’m so screwed I’d set off metal detectors at the airport.”
Rufus had nothing else to offer other than another sympathetic pat and a sad “Aw-hawww” as Ron shook his head again, drifting into silence as he reflected on how he felt he was losing Kim so completely, and how much that hurt deep inside him. Everything they could have been had become a hundred times more complicated and harder to achieve, and even worse, she was all but certain to slip through his fingers completely because of all this. It took everything Ron had not to cry over the situation.
Eventually, hours later, Ron still hadn’t managed to come to any kind of resolution over his feelings or what he was going to do, but his black mood had stabilized somewhat. He still felt like crap, but it wasn’t nearly as crushing now, and despite not having any real idea how to handle the situation, he knew the solution wasn’t going to be found here.
Shaking his head and sighing, Ron gently picked up Rufus from where he was sleeping curled up in the corner of the couch, then put him in his pocket before turning off the lantern. After a few minutes sitting in the dark to let his eyes adjust and to let the lantern cool, Ron used the pressure-release valve on the fuel tank before storing the lantern away again. Then he carefully made his way over to the trap door and cautiously began climbing down the ladder in the dark.
Ron turned around as he reached the bottom of the ladder and took a step towards the house, looking up to see Monique heading towards him through the gloomy night with a determined stride. Oblivious to the iron-hard set of Monique’s features or the gleam in her eyes, Ron said; “Oh, hey Mo. What’re you doing he—”
Suddenly there was a loud crack, and Ron found himself sitting sprawled awkwardly on the ground with a strange ringing in his left ear, thinking; Hey, how’d I end up here? while little spots danced across his vision. A second later a sharp, stinging, throbbing pain blossomed all across his left cheek and jaw.
Bringing a hand up to his face, Ron blinked and then said; “Hey! You hit me!”
Looming over him menacingly, Monique shook her right hand from the pain in her palm and fingers while furiously shouting; “You’re damn straight I hit you, you jackass! I oughta do a whole hell of a lot more than that Ron Stoppable! What, in the HELL, do you think you’re doing?”
“Whhaaah! No more hitting! No more hitting!” Ron shouted fearfully, cowering back and bringing his hands up between himself and Monique protectively. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Mo!”
“I’m talking about you walking out on Kim like that Ron! How the hell could you do that to her? Do you know how hard it was for me to get that girl to talk to me yesterday? Do you have any idea how scared and confused she’s been over this? Worried that people wouldn’t understand? That her friends wouldn’t understand? That she’d lose them over this? That she’d lose you you fucking moron? And then you just fucking leave her hanging there with some lame-ass ‘I need time to think about this’? You need time to think about this? You need time? I oughta kick your balls up between your teeth you selfish, insensitive son of a bitch!”
Ron sat staring up in complete shock at Monique’s enraged tirade—and a fair amount of fear as well. Ron had never seen Monique this angry before. Heck, he didn’t even think he’d seen Monkey Fist or Shego this angry before. The girl was so livid Ron could actually see her face growing darker from her flush, despite the shadowy night and her already dark complexion.
“I’m sorry Monique but I didn’t know what else to say! You can’t just drop a bomb like that on someone and expect them to be ok with it right away! Especially not a freaking nuke like this was! So I needed some time to think, all right? I just needed to figure it out!” Ron wailed.
“No, it is not all right Ron!” Monique said loudly, not quite shouting any more. “You can’t be Ron this time. You don’t get to be indecisive and unsure about this. You need to take your reservations and cram them in a box and shut the hell up about it, because what Kim needs more than anything else right now is support and understanding! She’s got enough doubt and fear coming from inside her that she doesn’t need yours too! This is about her, not you, understand?”
For a moment Ron wanted to shout back at Monique, but then his anger crumbled in the face of her indignation and his own sense of guilt and dejected worry.
“Ohhhh! I know, you’re right Monique!” Ron said, slumping back against the tree trunk behind him. “But it’s just so hard! I mean; this is going to change everything between us!”
“An’ why the hell would it change anything between the two of you?”
“How can it not change anything Mo? Kim’s thinks she’s Gay! And on top of that, she's sleeping with a woman that’s nearly twice her age! That’s old Monique!”
“Excuse me?” Monique’s eyes narrowed and her voice got low and unbelievably frightening. “Did I just hear you say Kim ‘thinks’ she’s Gay Stoppable?”
Ron blanched and swallowed nervously before shaking his head vigorously.
“That’s what I thought.” Monique growled. After a long moment’s pause she very softly, very carefully added; “You don’t have a problem with people being Gay, do you Stoppable?”
“What? No, of course not!” Ron shouted indignantly, his eyes going wide with shocked outrage. However, under Monique’s continued silent, narrow-eyed stare, he added; “Well errr… that is to say… Ohhhh all right! I don’t have a problem with anyone being Gay but I don’t wanna hear it or see it or be around it either, ok? I mean, if it’s guys anyway… it’s ok if it’s girls; that’s hot… look, I’m sorry Mo but despite what a lot of people say I’m still a guy and I don’t wanna see that stuff, all right? It’s just the way I feel!”
For a second Monique looked like she was going to explode, but after several long moments she calmed and said; “All right, all right, I can accept that Ron. Considering how you feel it’s actually a pretty stand up thing that you’re ok with it.”
Ron nodded and then sighed, leaning back against the tree trunk. “What am I gonna do Mo? I don’t wanna screw this up but I just don’t know if I can handle it. It’s just so…” Ron paused, and then snorted and chuckled a little, “so the drama, y’know? Heh… bigger than that. It’s so… so freaking big… y’know? So… real…”
Monique sighed sympathetically and shook her head. “You can’t be thinkin’ about that Ron, not now.” She said softly. “Kim needs us, needs you, and you can’t let your fears about how this is going to change things between the two of you hold you back from being there for her.” Monique paused for a second, then asked; “Come to think of it, how exactly is this going to change things between the two of you anyway? I mean yeah, it’s pretty big, but if, as you say, ‘it’s ok with girls cuz it’s hot,’ then what the hell is the problem?”
Ron might have had an extensive reputation for speaking his mind—and for speaking without using his mind first—but even he wasn’t crazy or dense enough to tell Monique about the way he’d been thinking of Kim lately. Given how she’d reacted when she only thought he’d been selfish over this in a minor way, he was fairly certain Monique really would kick him in the crotch if he told her about that. So instead, he decided to hedge the truth as much as he could.
“Well for one thing, if Kim’s seeing someone then what’s that going to mean for us? She’ll spend all her time with her and she’ll never be around to do stuff with and I’ll never get see her anymore. On top of that, how the heck am I even supposed to talk to her about… y’know, relationship stuff anymore? And what the heck does she see in someone who’s so much older than she is anyway? How could they possibly have anything in common? I just don’t get it!”
“Ahhh Ron? If I hear you usin’ the word ‘old’ like that any more when you’re talking about a woman who’s only twenty-seven, I’m gonna slap you again, y’dig?” Monique said in a tone of clear irritation. At Ron’s nervous nod she continued.
“As for Kim not being around anymore, you do realize she’s been seeing Corscan for months now, right? An’ last time I checked, yeah, sure, our girl hasn’t been around as much, but we still see her a lot, right? And your social life hasn’t exactly shriveled up to nothing, now has it? You’re doing lots of stuff with Felix now, and even hanging out with me more, right? So I’m pretty sure you’ve got nothing there Ron.”
Ron was nodding with an enlightened expression on his face. “Yeah, yeah! You’re right Monique!” He said with a thankful smile.
“Now I can’t say much about what Kim sees in Corscan, but I think I know enough that I can sorta see where our girl’s coming from, even if I don’t really understand it yet, but you need to talk to her about that if you want to know more. And really Ron, what’s the big deal with you two talking about relationship stuff now anyway? I mean, could you really understand why Kim liked Josh Manky or the other boys she’s crushed on over the years? At least now you’ll be on the same playing field with her, right boy? Hot girl’s a hot girl to both ‘a y’all now, ain’t it?” Monique ended with a smirk.
Ron shook his head and then laughed. “Oh, that is so wrong to hear you say Monique.”
“Ya-hunh. An’ this comin’ from mister ‘it’s ok with girls; that’s hot,’ hunh?”
Ron shook his head again and laughed harder. Then he sighed deeply and thumped his head back into the tree trunk behind him, still shaking it slowly. Monique was right; everything he’d freaked over was just superficial crap that wasn’t even a real problem… except… except for the one thing that was left; his own feelings for Kim. They were still there, still twisting around inside him, confusing and painful and tormenting.
But then again, Monique was right about that too; it was selfish for him to be thinking about his own feelings when Kim needed his support more than she’d ever needed it before. And honestly, if Kim was Gay then it wasn’t like he’d ever had a real shot with her anyway. Best-case scenario he would have eventually worked up the courage to tell her how he felt and they would have tried and eventually failed, and hopefully ended up back where they started. Worst case, it would have destroyed their friendship completely. He might be feeling pretty lousy right now, but that was nothing compared to how he’d feel if he’d lost Kim completely.
Ron vented another long, deep sigh and said; “Ahhhh man, I screwed up big time, didn’t I Monique?”
“Well, you did screw up, that’s for sure, but I don’t think you can say it’s ‘big time’… yet. But if you don’t do something about this real soon, it will be.” Monique said pointedly.
“Yeah, yeah!” Ron said while using the tree trunk to lever himself up. “Thanks a lot Mo. I gotta go find Kim and apologize right now!”
“No problem Ron. Always happy to beat some sense into a poor, misguided white boy such as yourself.” Monique answered with a grin.
Ron nodded absentmindedly, leaving Monique behind as he broke into a run for the front yard. Less than a minute later he was on his scooter and heading for Kim’s house as fast as he could coax the old machine to go.
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Kim was lying on top of her bed, curled up with her Pandaroo in her arms and pulled tight to her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, but she wasn’t crying anymore. She’d long since gone silent when night had fallen and darkness crept across her room earlier, and she lay staring into the shadows with unseeing eyes as an even greater gloom gathered within her. A gloom of despair and bitter sadness. She’d hurt so badly watching Ron drive away from Monique’s house earlier today, not knowing what was going to happen with them and fearing the very worst, but now… now all she felt was hollow and empty and alone.
A gentle rapping echoed through the bleak silence of her inky cocoon, intrusive and unwanted. Kim ignored it, but it came again, louder, more insistent, demanding an answer Kim didn’t want to give, but giving her no choice in the matter.
“Go away! I told you I’m not hungry!” Kim shouted hoarsely.
But it didn’t go away. And she heard a voice through the door too. For a second she thought it might be her brothers, given how unlikely it would be for her father to respond softly to her demand… but then again, he might. If it was them, she’d kill them both! And if it was her father… well… Kim sighed and pulled herself up and off her bed, heading for the door.
Sliding the lock open, Kim opened the door cautiously, unwilling to expose herself more than she needed to. When she saw who it was standing in the dim light of the hallway, seeming so bright to her after being in darkness so long, the portal swung wide as if of its own will.
“R-Ron?” Kim said softly, hesitantly, afraid she was seeing things.
Ron hadn’t exactly been smiling while he’d been waiting for Kim out in the hallway, but his face still fell considerably further when he saw the state his best friend was in because of his self-indulgent actions.
“Oh god… Kim… I… I’m sorry.” Ron stammered, the pain in his voice almost palatable.
“Ron!” Kim shouted, lunging forward and wrapping her arms around her friend so forcefully he staggered back under her assault.
As Kim crushed herself to Ron and buried her head in his shoulder with a desperate intensity, she began crying again, a bittersweet joyful agony coursing through her that was almost more than she could bear.
“Oh god, oh god… I’m so, so sorry Kim! I’m such an idiot! Please… you’ve got to believe me Kim, I never… never meant to… oh god I’m such a fucking screw-up!” Ron pleaded with fierce intensity, starting to cry himself as Kim clung to him, sobbing. “I don’t care about any of it Kim; all I care about is you! Please Kim, please, you’ve got to believe me! I am so, so sorry I’m such a fucking moron! Oh god I screwed this up so bad! Please Kim, please, just stop crying! Please!”
Despite Ron’s pleas and the small part of her that was so completely shocked over hearing Ron swear for the first time in her life, Kim just couldn’t stop trying to crush Ron in her embrace while sobbing. She was just so unbelievably, deliriously happy that she couldn’t stop crying if she tried—and honestly, she didn’t want to try; it just felt too good to stop.
Still, despite that she laughed as she cried and responded; “It’s ok Ron, it’s ok! It doesn’t matter! All that matters is you’re here with me now!”
“Oh god Kim, I was such an insensitive jerk! How can you ever forgive me?”
Kim laughed again and pulled back from Ron slightly, looking him in the eye as she answered; “I’ve already forgiven you you big dummy! It’s not your fault you couldn’t handle it; I couldn’t handle it at first either—hell, I still have problems with it and I’ve been living with it for over three months now. It took you what? Less than half a day?” Kim laughed and gave Ron a squeeze.
Ron nodded and hugged Kim back, sniffling as he answered; “I’m sorry I hurt you Kim. As much as I don’t deserve you, you’re my best friend and whether you’re Straight or Gay you’ll always be my best friend, no matter what!”
As extraordinarily joyous and thankful for those words as Kim was, a recently well-honed and ever-alert sense of paranoia within her wasn’t distracted by the twisting emotions cresting through her enough to forget where she was, and she stiffened as she realized what Ron was saying.
“Ron, you can’t—” Kim hissed intensely before she froze completely, hearing her mother’s voice coming from the downstairs hall.
“Kimmie? Is everything all right up there?”
Kim cleared her throat sharply and then responded; “Yes mom, everything’s fine.”
“Ok honey.”
A second later Ron gave a sharp “Whaaaah!” of surprise when Kim stepped back and yanked him into her room by the arm. Once inside she closed her door and went so far as to lock it and then lean with her back up against it before she looked up at him and said; “Ron, my parents don’t know anything about this! You can’t be saying stuff like that anywhere they might hear you!”
Ron’s eyes widened in understanding and he quickly stammered; “Oh, jeeze Kim… I’m sorry! I never thought… I mean I wasn’t thinking about that… sorry!”
“It’s ok Ron, it’s ok. Three months to half a day, remember? I’ve had a few close calls myself…” Kim smiled reassuringly at her friend.
“Ok, ok. But… Kim, how long are you going to wait before you tell your parents? I mean, you’re going to have to tell them eventually, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know Ron. But it’s not going to be any time soon, I know that much, so you’re going to have to be careful around here, ok?”
“Ok Kim, you can count on me! No more screw-ups; I promise!”
“Thanks Ron,” Kim answered, grateful she didn’t have to say anything more. “Look, there’s a lot more stuff I want to tell you about, but I can’t risk a long talk like that here. Do you want to go somewhere so we can talk?”
“Sure Kim, whatever you want! I know the perfect place actually! Although…” Ron trailed off, looking sheepish.
“What is it?”
“I… kinda ran out of gas again on my way over here, so we’ll have to walk.”
“That’s ok Ron. Though if you want we can always take my bike.” Kim said as she moved over to her closet, looking for a jacket to wear.
“No, I need to wheel my scooter home anyway, so I might as well…” Ron said before quickly adding; “Unless you want to take your bike Kim.”
“No, no, that’s ok Ron. Actually, I think a long walk is just what I need right now.” Kim answered, smiling as she pulled on a light jacket from her closet.
“Ok, let’s get going then.” Ron answered, and the two teens quickly headed downstairs.
At the front hall they paused to put their shoes on, and once they were finished Kim loudly announced; “I’m going over to Ron’s for a while.”
“All right Kimmie, have a nice time with Ron.” Ann answered from the living room, while James quickly added; “And don’t forget to be home by midnight Kimmie-cub. It is a school night after all.”
“Ok dad, I will.”
After Kim and Ron had left, James lowered the last section of the Sunday paper he was working on and looked at Ann, asking; “So what do you suppose all that was about?”
“Oh, I think Kim and Ron might have had a fight dear. But by the sound of things, I think everything worked out all right.” Ann answered.
“Mmmmhmmm.” James nodded. “I must admit, that Ronald is a very nice young man, even if he is a little strange…” James paused for a moment before adding in a good-natured grumble; “and adds twenty percent to our weekly grocery bills.”
Ann smiled for a moment before her expression sobered. “Now if only we could figure out what else was going on with our little girl that easily.”
“Now honey,” James said almost sternly, “we’ve discussed this. As long as Kimmie-cub is still doing so well in school and her extracurricular activities, and she’s not out partying with boys or other malcontents and delinquents, we need to give her her space. Every young person goes through this kind of rebellious phase eventually, and given how headstrong and stubborn our little girl is it’s actually nothing short of a miracle that it’s taken her this long to do it.”
Ann sighed. “I know dear. It’s just that we used to be so close, and now… now it’s almost like she’s a different person sometimes. We never seem to talk anymore. She’s so distant and quiet and whenever I try and draw her out we always end up fighting somehow instead. I just don’t like it James. I miss my little girl and I feel like I’m losing her somehow, and I don’t even know why it’s happening!”
“I know Ann, I don’t like what’s happening any more than you do.” James said sympathetically. “But as hard as it is, as long as she’s not doing anything self-destructive we just have to ride it out. If we try and force the issue with her it’ll most likely only make it worse, and push her away from us even more as well, and we certainly don’t want that, now do we?”
Ann sighed again and nodded in sad agreement before looking out the window, staring into the darkness of the night with unseeing eyes as she pondered what was going on with her precious little girl.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Jim and Tim were in their room, standing with their backs pressed tight against the firmly shut door, and even now still silent and wide-eyed with shock.
Eventually Tim said; “Kim’s… Gay?”
Jim just shook his head, silently mouthing; “Whoa.”
Then they both turned to one another and said; “No way!”
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Ron and Kim spent nearly four hours talking to each other in his tree house before she had to leave in order to get home before midnight, but the sense of nostalgia over the experience had quickly worn off for Ron as he delved deeper and deeper into the mysteries surrounding Kim and Corscan’s relationship. When it was over, he found himself looking out the window, watching Kim walk away with a grim expression on his face. Ron was confused, unable to understand what possible reason Kim had for remaining involved with the woman, and he wasn’t happy about everything else connected to that relationship either.
“I don’t like this Rufus. I don’t like it one bit!” Ron said, his voice ardent and troubled.
Rufus nodded and answered “Un-hunh, un-hunh.” though not nearly as strongly as Ron had. Rufus might be wary of Corscan, given the way she’d smelled and seemed so… wrong, to his animal instincts, and a few of the things Kim had told them disturbed him a little, but for the most part, he either didn’t understand what the big deal was, or didn’t care; it must be a “human thing” he figured.
Ron on the other hand wanted nothing more than to call Monique now and talk to her about their best friend, but given the time, he decided it might be better for his health if he held off until tomorrow.
The next day, and for several days after that, Ron talked extensively to Monique about what was going on with Kim, but in the end, he came away still feeling uneasy and unhappy about the situation. Monique hadn’t exactly come around to Kim’s side completely, but she certainly wasn’t anywhere near as close to being disturbed by the whole thing as Ron was.
In the end, Ron knew he couldn’t be his usual forthcoming self this time ‘round. If Kim had gone to such lengths to secretly keep seeing Corscan in the face of so much adversity, it was obvious she felt very strongly about the woman, even if Ron had no idea why. So unless he wanted to risk destroying his friendship with Kim, he had to be very, very careful about how he presented his opinions to her. But even so, he doubted very much that it would be enough to get her to truly reconsider what she was doing.
No, he was going to have to take matters into his own hands, just in case…
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