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Borealis: A Zutara Story	By : jaded_priceless Category: Avatar - The Last Airbender > AU/AR - Alternate Universe/Alternate Reality Views: 34026 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender, Avatar: The Legend of Korra, any historical figures or events, or easily recognizable persons, places or things. I make no profit from this work of fanfiction

Chapter List
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Chapter 207
Katara leaned back on the blanket and gazed at the stars as well. Ursa Major was known to the Southern Water Tribe as Naga after their founder’s polar bear dog. People often got lost after relocating to the South from the North. The stars were unfamiliar, the borealis a different color, and the timing of Tui’s path was different so they weren’t able to navigate by them as well. Whenever that happened Naga would always be the one to find them and bring them back home.
Naga’s nose was the brightest star in the southern sky. Her father had taught her to navigate by stars and use Naga’s nose as her guide. He had always taught her that Naga and Tui would make sure she got home. She wondered if he were looking at them hoping they would lead him to her and Sokka. She was still thinking of them when Zuko lay beside her.
She absently began playing in his hair when he put his head in her lap. They sat in silence as the sky gradually changed from black to gray to purple. Just before the stars disappeared Zuko began singing. Katara attributed the cacophonous warble to emotion rather than a lack of skill. Her voice rang out loud and clear as she took his hand and joined him wishing a final happy birthday to his mother before she disappeared. Once sun had risen Zuko rolled over and wrapped his arms around her.
His voice was muffled and he could have been underwater but Katara still would have understood his words. “I miss you Mom. I miss you so much. Why didn’t you take me with you? Why did you leave me behind?”
She leaned over, hugging him as tightly as possible and began rubbing his back. She too had wished that. She had gone to the burial pier and launched her umiak more times than she could count hoping to catch up with her mother. Even after her father took it from her she would still go and try to convince La to take her to her mother.
She didn’t bother to wipe his tears or offer any useless but well meaning platitudes. She knew exactly what he meant by wanting to go with his mother; it wasn’t a wish to die, only to be with her. There was nothing that could be said or done to ease the ache or fill the void. Time didn’t make it better; it only provided more opportunities to immerse yourself in coping mechanisms and practice putting up fronts so no one would know how much you really were hurting.
Katara didn’t realize she was sobbing until he reached up and pulled her down with him. “It hurts Zuko, it never stops. When things are bad you wish she was there to make it better. When things are good you wish you could share them with her. No matter how many years pass or how old you get you never stop missing her. You just get better at hiding it because you don’t want anyone to know how often you cry for your mother because they all think it’s something you get over, that the pain and tears are supposed to stop just because you get older.”
“Everyone tells you that. The more you hear it the more you try and hide and shove everything down because you start to think there’s something wrong with you. That you’re somehow defective because there’s a part of you that can’t move forward. And you feel guilty when you try because it seems like you’re forgetting her so you just get stuck hurting wanting not to hurt. When it doesn’t hurt you wish it did because it feels like you’re being disloyal and maybe you don’t love her as much as you should,” Zuko added now that he had someone who understood what he was going through.
Katara looked at him as if she were seeing him for the first time. She’d tried talking to Sokka about their mother but he didn’t understand. Not that she denied him his grief or pain but he had spent most of his time with their dad and the other men. He wasn’t always around their mother like she was so the void caused by her death wasn’t as big for him.
The only person who she knew for certain missed her mother as much as she did was her dad. He would always listen to her but the love for a spouse was different than of a child for a parent. He still had his mom so it was like they were reading the same book in two different languages. She never imagined that Zuko would be the one who knew exactly what she was going through.
Katara nodded, “I feel like that sometimes with you. Your family killed my mom. We shouldn’t be talking like this, I should hate you; you shouldn’t ever make me smile, or make me feel good. I should always be miserable when we’re together. It shouldn’t seem like you’re reading my mind because our thoughts are so similar on so many things. I should hate you. I should hate you so much but sometimes I feel like you’re the only person in the world that lets me be myself and won’t judge me for it. I know my mom would be happy I found a friend like that but she’d hate me because it’s you.”
Zuko nodded, “Mine would too. She’d like you as a person, but she’d hate me for choosing you. She didn’t believe in the war but she believed in the Fire Nation. She believed all elements were equal. That balance must be maintained for that to happen we had to cooperate commercially and socially but keep apart romantically. She would disown me for raping you and probably send me to the spirit world herself but at the same time she’d be proud I stood up to my father and didn’t allow him or anyone else to do treat you worse. She’d be glad I found someone to talk to. She’d be glad I fell in love with someone other than Mai but she would possible out moan my father over the fact you are Water Tribe.”
“Maybe the two of them are together, complaining to the spirits and asking them why were they troubled with such difficult children?” Katara posed with a sad smile even thought tears were still streaming down her face.
Zuko laughed between sniffles, “If I know my mom she’s probably demanding they be sent back so they can properly raise us.”
“Yeah, my mom would definitely go after my dad. I could live to be Aang’s age and she probably wouldn’t be finished letting him have it. You left my children to go fight a war then let them traipse all over the world with the Avatar and get captured?” Katara shrieked raising her voice.
Zuko added, “I think my Mom would discover the ability to Firebend the moment she saw my dad. You banished my little boy and burnt the beautiful face I spent 2 months on bedrest and 45 hours in labor to give him? Then you send him out all ugly to find the presumed non-existent Avatar with no boat and tell him he can’t come home until he does it?”
“You aren’t ugly. I wish you would stop saying that,” Katara sighed.
Zuko grimaced, his facial muscles contorting to a near likeness of his Blue Spirit mask.
“Okay you are when you do that,” Katara giggled using her fingers to smooth away his frown. “All better now.
“Katara you don’t have to l-” Zuko began in protest
Katara put her hand on his stomach with her fingers flexed in tickle position, “I think you already know what will happen if you finish that statement. I may have told you a few lies of omission; you wouldn’t be completely honest either if you were in my situation, but Zuko I promise that is not one of them. You are not ugly; even with the scar you are handsome.”
Katara kept the hand on his stomach at the ready while reaching up to caress his scar with the other one, “You would look too perfect, too pretty without this.”
Katara touched the unblemished side of his face before going back to his scar, “This side is cute and rather childish but this one is manly and rugged. You wouldn’t be you without it. I think if you were perfect I wouldn’t have noticed you when you stormed into our village. We have a saying the Water Tribes; don’t choose a man who is prettier than you. It means he spends more time on his looks than working and will not be a good provider. Now that I know how you got the scar it only makes you more beautiful.”
Katara eyes narrowed when she saw Zuko’s lips move and she threatened him again before he could speak, “If you dare call me a liar I will sit on you and tickle you until you pee your pants.”
Zuko laughed, “I was going to say thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Katara sighed rolling over onto her back and looking at the sky.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Zuko commented. “Before I was banished my mom’s birthday and the anniversary of her death were the only two days I actually felt close to Father. The first time it happened I was eleven. I couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday so I went to the turtleduck pond. Father came outside shortly before sunrise. I thought he was looking for me but he couldn’t sleep either.”
“He frowned when he saw me. I thought he would send me away but sat down beside me and told me so many things about my mother. I didn’t know she didn’t like adzuki beans either. She only ate them to set a good example for us. She would beg my father for chocolate afterwards. He still carries it in his pocket for her. He’s a Firebender but it never melts. He told me it was a trick he’d teach me when I got older. Every year we’d sit under the tree and watch the sunrise and sunset together.”
Katara rolled back over to face Zuko, “I know this sounds crazy considering all he’s done to you but in his own twisted way your father loves you. If he really hated you, we both know you’d already be dead. If he were indifferent I don’t think he’d push you so hard. I’m not making excuses or justifying his behavior but I don’t know if you can expect better from an egomaniac who doesn’t realize he’s insane.”
“Please don’t ever say that to his face,” Zuko groaned.
“Why not, Papa Ozai likes me,” Katara teased. “He wouldn’t threaten me with such hellacious tortures otherwise.”
“Yeah but…,” Zuko sighed, “I know he loves me, that is what makes dealing with how he treats me so difficult. If he always acted like he hates me or didn’t care at all it I could get used to it. You’ve seen him, one minute he’s all ‘I’m proud of you my son’ and the next ‘I should throw you in jail’ or ‘you’re lucky to be alive’. He never tells Azula things like that; with her it’s always praise. I would feel better if he did the same things to her.”
Katara nodded, “That’s how my dad is with Sokka. The last time Dad saw us he was ‘my brave son Sokka, the warrior who travels with the Avatar’ but I was ‘my daughter Katara. She cooked dinner’.”
Zuko couldn’t help the giggle that escaped from his lips, “Well at least your dad acknowledges that you have skills and can do something useful. When I got home from school he’d always ask, ‘what did you screw up today?’ Lovely isn’t it?”
“Yeah well your Dad never asked you to do his laundry. It’s like he knew I was coming so he went two years without washing and mending just waiting for me to show up. As if I needed to know his underwraps have more holes than fabric,” Katara said making a gagging sound while shuddering.
“Bleh” Zuko groaned, “I don’t want to think of my father’s underwear. It reminds me of those lessons at the palace.”
He looked up at the sky and whined, “How could you do those things my sweet Mommy?”
“Huh? I thought the lessons at the palace were about pleasing your partner?” Katara asked puzzled.
Zuko shook his head. “Your lessons were about pleasing your partner. Mine was..bleahh,” Zuko dry retched a few times before continuing, “suggestions of things to for you to do based on what he liked…bleaah….done to him. My sweet Mommy how could you allow him to corrupt you in such a despicable manner?”
Zuko groaned before begging, “Please change the subject Katara.”
“Okay, okay. Geez you Fire Nation people are crazy. Rape is fine, having mistresses and multiple partners is fine but you freak out over a married couple enjoying one another. How do you think you got here?” Katara teased.
“The panda-stork brought me. A buzzard-wasp brought Azula,” Zuko said defensively while poking out his lower lip.
Katara burst out laughing. After she was able to compose herself she poked Zuko in the stomach, “You do remember what you told me in the restaurant about how your parents would sneak off during the balls at the palace. Those sounds you heard weren’t elephant-mice running through the walls.”
“I know. It’s just they’re my parents. I know why my father always left with her and why they were both smiling when they came back but there’s a difference in knowing how much he loved her and refused to touch another woman and knowing he liked to get his penis sucked and for her to lick his anus afterward,” Zuko blurted in explanation without realizing what he was saying.
He began screaming and flapping about wildly in disgust after it dawned on him, “No, no, no, not my mommy. Not my sweet Mommy. I swore I would never reveal the disgusting things he made you do. That I’d keep them secret even after I went to the spirit world.”
“Geez Zuko calm down, it’s not like you saw them do it or like your seventy year old grandmother was the one who taught you about sex,” Katara huffed. “How do you think I feel knowing my Gran-Gran did things like that and misses doing it?”
This time Katara clutched her stomach and fought the urge to retch; the last time she saw Gran-Gran she was wearing a betrothal necklace. Pakku had carved her another one and she’d seen the two of them hugging the day of the invasion, “Oh La I’m going to be sick! Zuko say something anything so I won’t think of my grandmother and master having sex.
“You saw your parents doing it?” Zuko blurted. “I…um…no wait…that was probably just as traumatic.”
To his surprise Katara took a deep breath and let go of her stomach as if she were relaxing. “Um, Katara, are you okay? I didn’t mean to say that.”
Katara shook her head, “No it’s okay. I did see my parents, but it’s a good memory. I was seven and didn’t know what they were doing. I woke up to go to the bathroom and on my way back to bed noticed their furs were moving.”
Zuko grimaced, but Katara shook her head, “No it wasn’t like that. It was beautiful. All I saw were their faces. My father’s full attention was on her. She looked so happy and content. They were smiling, touching each other’s faces and kissing. I had been standing there for a while before I asked what they were doing and that’s when they noticed me.
“They explained they were sharing Tui and La’s union and that was how married couples expressed love for each other. They said that when I grew up I’d find a man who loved me as much as my father loved my mother. They told me not to marry a man unless he treated me as well as he treated her and looked at me the way he looked at her.”
Katara smiled at him, “Zuko I can’t explain that look but I know I’ll never forget it. It’s like they looked at each other and saw everything good and right in the world. There were no troubles, no problems or worries; nothing existed except the two of them and their love. I used to dream about the man I’d marry and what our wedding night would be like; would I feel the same love and joy as my mother when he touched me?”
“Now I-” Katara stopped when she saw the pained expression on Zuko’s face. Any other time, any other day she would not have cared. She would have been happy to hurt him, but not today. Not while he was still hurting over the loss of his mother and had just cried uncontrollably for her. Not while she’d just done the same thing and understood exactly how he was feeling. “Zuko, I…”
“Don’t. You don’t have to say or do anything to try and make me feel better. I hurt you and took something precious from you, I know that,” Zuko said admitting his wrong doing. “I can’t give it back or even promise you the wedding night you deserve. I can’t even promise you that we’ll be able to get properly married, but I can be that man for you, if you let me. I want to be that man for you Katara. I know I’m sorry isn’t enough and I can’t undo what’s been done but I promise to spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to make amends.”
“Let’s not talk about that, not today. Let’s spend today remembering our moms and pretending we’re the people we’d be if we still had them; that we didn’t meet the way we did and this isn’t our situation,” Katara said sadly.
She didn’t flinch or draw back when Zuko’s arms snaked around her and pulled her closer. He didn’t say a word but she could feel his cheek moving against hers as he nodded in agreement. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him even tighter.
After a while he spoke to her, “How did we meet Katara?”
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Borealis: A Zutara Story