The Couch Gag

BY : GeorgeGlass
Category: +G through L > The Loud House
Dragon prints: 4698
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House or its characters. I earned no money for writing this story. I am one sick little monkey.

The Couch Gag

by George Glass

Summary: When the Loud kids get into a fight over space on the living room sofa, their father forces all of them to crowd together on the couch until dinner time. But the kids come up with a risky—and risqué—plan to escape their punishment.

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It was a Friday night, and the Loud kids were crowded together on and around the sofa, watching “World’s Most Viral Videos” while their parents prepared dinner.

“Hey, quit touching me!” Lola shouted at Lana.

“I was here first,” Lana retorted, “so you’re the one touching me!”

“Stop sitting on my foot!” Lori griped at Luna, who was seated on the carpet in front of her.

“How am I supposed to know it’s there?” Luna retorted. “My butt’s so uncomfortably numb from sitting on the floor, I can’t even feel your foot!”

Lucy, who was crammed between Lisa and Leni, groaned, “Why is there no concept of personal space in this house?”

“Perhapsh,” Lisa replied, “if you were to remove your olecranon from my costae fluitantes, I could exshplain it to you.” Then, in response to Lucy’s blank look, Lisa added pointedly, “Get your elbow out of my ribs.”

Lincoln, sitting on the floor in front of Lori, exclaimed, “Oh, geez, who farted?” and fanned his face with his hand.

“I keep telling you, it’s my shoes!” Lori screeched.

“Uh, I didn’t say it was you,” Lincoln replied.

Lynn, wedged between Leni and the arm of the couch, growled, “Quit crowding me already!”

“How can I crowd you?” Leni replied, puzzled. “There’s just one of me.”

Luan, sitting on the floor in front of Lynn, pushed Mr. Coconuts at her.

“If you don’t quit kicking me, I’ll throw more than just my voice at you.”

Her face reddening, Lynn shouted, “That’s IT!” and dived at Luan. Others lost their tempers, too, and suddenly the area around the couch was engulfed in a massive fight-cloud.

“Hey! Knock it off!” Lynn Loud Sr. shouted as he stormed in from the kitchen, a spatula in his hand.

Everyone froze, most of them with fists pulled back or hands yanking someone’s hair.

“This is not okay!” their mother added, also emerging from the kitchen, with Lily in her arms. “If you can’t sit together in peace, then there’ll be no TV for anyone!”

Lynn Sr. looked at them all for a moment. Then, gesturing at the sofa with his spatula, he said, “All of you—on the couch.”

“Wait, all ten of us?” Lori asked. “There isn’t enough room.”

“Find a way,” their father replied sternly.

Grumbling, the ten kids clustered around the sofa. They quickly realized that to fit everyone, five of the kids would have to sit on the couch with a sibling on their lap, so they arranged themselves that way. Sighing, Luan left Mr. Coconuts on the side table, as there wasn’t room for both him and Lucy on her lap.

Soon, the ten Loud children were packed together on the couch. None of them looked very comfortable.

“Now,” their father said, “you’re all going to sit there quietly until dinner time.”

“No arguing, and no fighting,” their mother added. “If I come out here and see so much as a dirty look, it’s a grounding for everyone.”

The two parents went back into the kitchen, their father peeking around the doorframe at the kids once before slipping behind it again. The kids shifted and squirmed, trying to get comfortable, or at least less uncomfortable.

“This is cruel and unusual punishment,” Lori griped in a whisper. She was crammed between Lincoln and Luan, with Lisa on her lap.

“Not to mention humiliating,” Lisa added.

“Yeah,” Lola agreed. She was sitting on Lincoln’s lap. “And we wouldn’t have been fighting in the first place if we hadn’t been crammed together on this couch.”

“Why can’t Mom and Dad just get a bigger one?” Lynn added.

“As is perpetually the case,” Lisa replied, “their motivationsh are no doubt financial.”

“It’s all about the Benjamins,” Luna agreed.

“Meanwhile, we’re stuck here until dinner time,” Lucy sighed.

“Hmm,” said Lola. Then she held up an index finger. “I might know a way to get out of this.”

“How?” Lori asked.

Lola leaned over and whispered in Lori’s ear. The older girl blanched.

“Well,” Lori said, “I guess that would work, but…it’s kind of extreme.”

“I’m up for anything extreme,” Lynn said. “What’s the plan?”

Soon, there was a susurrus of whispers as the plan spread among the occupants of the couch.


A few minutes later, their father emerged from the kitchen.

“Are we all getting along?” he asked.

“Yes, Dad,” the kids replied in unison.

“Actually,” Lynn said per the kids’ agreed-upon script, “this isn’t so bad.”

Lynn put her arms around Lana, who was sitting in her lap, and gave the overalls-clad girl an affectionate squeeze. Lynn Sr. smiled.

“So-fa, so good,” quipped Luan, putting her arms around Lucy.

“Good,” their father replied, starting to turn back toward the kitchen door.

“We’re sorry about all the fighting, Daddy,” Lola said. “We promise we’ll try to get along from now on.”

As she spoke the words “get along,” Lola wriggled her bottom suggestively in Lincoln’s lap. Lynn Sr. stopped in his tracks.

“Uhhh…” he said.

“Indeed,” said Lisa. She put a hand on Lincoln’s thigh and rubbed it slowly. “We wouldn’t want to engage in any behavior that is inappropriate in view of our age and familial relationships.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Luna, who had Leni awkwardly perched on her lap. “We’re a happy family.”

Luna’s hands traveled slowly over Leni’s stomach, her fingers just barely grazing the undersides of the blonde girl’s little breasts.

“Aww,” Leni said, sweetly oblivious. “You’re so affectionate.”

“Don’t ever get a bigger couch, Dad,” Lori said. “It’s nice to snuggle up like this.”

She pulled Lisa close and gave the girl a kiss that, although planted on the cheek, did not seem at all chaste, given how slowly and sensually Lori delivered it.

“Yeah,” Lucy said, taking Luan’s hands and putting them on her own chest. “I think we’ll just sit this way from now on.”

Their father looked at them all, visibly growing more uncomfortable by the second. When Lincoln ran both hands halfway up Lola’s thighs, Lynn Sr. finally exploded.

“All of you—g- go to your rooms! We’ll call you when supper’s ready!”

“You sure, Dad?” Lynn said, pulling Lana closer just as the little blonde girl reached down and caressed Lynn’s bare legs. “You don’t want us to stay on the couch anymore?”

“No!” their father cried, his voice cracking. “Just- just go to your rooms!”

With a dramatic collective sigh of reluctance, the kids got up from the couch and filed upstairs.

They did not go to their rooms, however; as soon as they were out of their father’s sight, they raced to the bathroom in a sort of quiet stampede to listen at the vent. They looked around at one another with “I can’t believe we just did that!” written clearly on their faces as they eavesdropped on their parents.

“What happened, sweetie?” they heard their mother say. “Why did you send the kids upstairs?”

“I…I don’t wanna talk about it,” their father replied shakily. “But we need a bigger couch.”

The ten occupants of the bathroom flooded out again and poured into Luna and Luan’s room—their room of choice for secret gatherings because Luna had amateurishly soundproofed it with old pillows and sofa cushions. Luan shut the door firmly behind them.

“Yeah!” Luna shouted. “We are the champions!”

“I can’t believe that worked!” exclaimed Lana.

“I can’t believe Dad didn’t have a heart attack,” Lynn chimed in.

“Or call a priest,” Lori added.

I can’t believe we actually did…that,” Lincoln said awkwardly.

The ten siblings all looked around at one another in what might have been the longest and most uncomfortable silence the Loud children had ever known.

“Oh, my God,” Lola said slowly. “We’re freaks.”

Superfreaks,” Luna added, wide-eyed.

“I wanna wash my hands with Magma soap ‘til the skin comes off,” Lana said anxiously.

“I wanna shower with steel wool,” Lynn said.

“I’ll never get wood again!” cried Mr. Coconuts. Then Luan added, “But seriously, yikes.”

“Oh, the irony,” Lucy said. “Our plan to escape punishment has become its own punishment.”

“Dibs on the power washer!” Lincoln shouted, and then everyone fled the room.

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Much appreciation to Fairy Slayer for beta reading.

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