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How to Satisfy Ten Sisters	By : OldReliableJoe Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 5728 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House and I make no money from this work.

Chapter List
- 1-How to Satisfy Ten Sisters + Epilogue
- 1
Lincoln squeezed out the tube of massage oil that he'd warmed up earlier, and rubbed his two hands together.
"Thank you so much, Lincoln." Lori said, melting to his touch as he began gently rubbing the oil gently into the shoulders, the spine, and her clavicles. "You literally have no idea how long I've been looking forward to this."
"Me too, Lori." Lincoln said, smiling as his fingers began to slowly slide down to her sides, tips grazing the round globes of her full breasts.
"Loan was a nightmare today, she wanted to use my credit card to buy something, a "shota dakimakura" I think-"
"Shhh..." Lincoln said soothingly, as his fingers trailed lower. "Forget about that... This is your time. Enjoy it."
"Mmmm..." Lori's resistance seemed to ebb as Lincolns hands trailed lower, now beginning to gasp the outside of her thighs is slow, rolling grasps at their flesh.
"Linky..." Lori began to moan.
Lincoln smiled as he began to travel toward the inner thighs-
"-Lincoln. Stop."
Lincoln's smile evaporated.
"Really, twerp? You're going to just dive in there straight away?"
Lincoln mumbled something under his breath.
"Oh no you DON’T backchat to me, mister. When YOU offer to give me a massage, and I accept, that means we're doing a FULL body massage. Including FEET. And if you try and push things along too quickly, we're going to start ALL OVER AGAIN. Do you understand me, twerp?"
Lincoln mumbled again, but also nodded, pacified by her command.
Half-an-hour later, he finished wringing out the final bunions, and heard her begin to snore softly. She also murmured something in her sleep. It sounded like “Money’s on the counter”.
Lincoln sighed, looking down at his manhood, still shamefully aroused despite the feet stuff, and looked back over to the bottle of massage oil.
He picked up the tube, squeezed it, and rubbed his hands together again.
...

"O-EM-GEE, Linky!" Leni squeed, as she saw what he'd brought from the lingerie store.
A miracle in lace, the bra and panty set was an iridescent emerald, the sides of the cups set with ocean-green tassels that were tipped with small black stones. The pattern on the underwear was made of the same material as the tassels, except it swam with a wavy pattern that reminded Lincoln of ocean waves.
He had bought it for Leni, despite knowing full well that she was capable of buying it herself. No, he did it because she adored wearing new sets of underwear, and HE adored what she usually did to thank him buying it for her.
"Oh, Linky... It's beautiful. I almost think that I'll mess it up if I try it on." Leni said.
"That's impossible. You look good in anything." He said, gazing serenely at her beauty.
"Really? Even Jorts?" Leni asked, in awe.
"Well... You're pretty enough to distract anyone from looking too closely."
Leni giggled at Lincoln's smooth-talking.
"Okay, Linky. I'll just be a moment." She said the words huskily, as she took the lingerie set from him and walked over to her walk-in wardrobe. While Lincoln did have to wait more than a moment, he spent it in deep, elated anticipation.
"Oh Linky..."
Lincoln looked up and felt his jaw drop from the sight that was before him.
Leni's platinum locks, free of the usual sunglasses that sat atop of them, flowed down to her shoulders like a cascade of water trapping the daylight. Her skin, so much of it exposed, looked soft enough that a slight breeze might make it blow away, but also firm enough to make him want to squeeze and caress every inch of it. The underwear looked immaculate on her, as though some supernatural being had woven them out of the ocean itself, and with the way it contoured to her body, he knew he would only need a small push downward to make it drop, and puddle to the floor, revealing the body of the goddess before him.
"So... How does it look?" She said, eyes half lidded.
Lincoln was fully prepared not to answer with words, and instead rush over to her and let his actions do the talking. But a small voice in his mind urged him to speak, to say something. An intrusive thought that grew despite his desire to kill it in its infancy. Finally, the urge was too great, and he opened his mouth to answer her question.
"It's great... But... What if you tried it with the azure garters?" He said, weakly.
Leni paused; her brows suddenly furrowed in deep concentration. Lincoln thought he'd lost her, but all of a sudden, she jumped up in down in delight, making her breasts move in a way that would've surely made any red-blooded man very happy.
"I'll be right back!" She said as she ran back into the wardrobe.
After a return journey, Leni thought that her Iris-pattern Kimono would make the colors really pop. And after she came back, Lincoln requested she try the stockings. After that, they agreed that she would look better in the light olive-green underwear set. But then that set off the garter.
Three hours later, they found a combination that worked for the both of them, and had sex.
It was totes amazing.

...
Luna Loud, as fit with her namesake, liked it LOUD. Whether it was playing rock 'n' roll, going to the club, waiting in the drive-thru, or complaining at the DMV, she tried to bring that ethos to every part of her life. And her lovemaking was no exception.
It had taken three whole two-day family passes to Dairyland, with added hotel accommodation, to get the rest of the family out for the night. But damn was it worth it when she was allowed to REALLY let loose.
True, they could’ve booked a hotel room for themselves, but then the temptation to wreck up the room like she instinctually did when she spent the night in one meant she’d be paying the same anyway. Besides, it was nice to something nice for the family.
And it was nice to leave all the trappings of the road and celebrity life behind, and just connect back with the father of her children. Intimately.
Lincoln kneeled at the altar, using his tongue like an absolute champ. He'd already exhausted the alphabet technique, and had since moved on to doing algebra equations with his tongue.
And Luna loved every second of it.
"UGHHH! IF IT KEEPS ON RAININ', THE LEVEE'S GONNA BREAK!" she sang at the top of her lungs, fulling allowing herself to be swept up in the sensations that she was experiencing. Normally, she just sang whatever came to her mind, but sometimes Sam or Linc could occasionally take requests.
“IF IT KEEPS ON RAININ', THE LEVEE'S GONNA BREAK!" She moaned out once more.
In the microseconds of lucidity Luna had before she was taken back to the edge of nirvana, she reflected that while Sammie had magic fingers, Lincoln definitely had a silver tongue.
"WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS, I'LL HAVE NO PLACE TO ST-"
"HEY LOUDS! KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!"
Lincoln and Luna momentarily froze. The voice had come from Mr. Grouse. Their long-time neighbour, and a centennial who had somehow managed to maintain perfect health from what they could only assume was equal parts love and spite.
Luna sudden felt her temper flare. The old man had no idea how much effort it took to get the two of them some alone time.
"SHUDDUP YA OLD BUZZARD!" Luna shouted at the top of her lungs.
"SHUT UP YOURSELF, YOU PAIR OF HORNY-ASS JACKRABBITS!" Came an immediate reply.
Lincoln took the opportunity to come up for air.
"Hey, maybe we can move it to a room on the other side of the house. Or even just take a little break. My jaw is actually starting to get a little numb..."
Luna pushed him back down with her hand.
"Don't worry, I got this bro. Just keep on letting your mouth do the talking." Luna said, glaring angrily at the window. Within half a minute, she felt a new wave of moans begin to loudly escape her.
"I TOLD THE PAIR OF YA TO QUIET DOWN ALREADY!" Came the expected reply.
"FOOK OFF, YA SODDIN’ OLD PRUDE!" Luna shouted back in her poor English accent. Lincoln flinched from his crouched position. The English accent meant things were going to get out of hand.
"WHY YOU-" The old man blustered, before continuing. "HOW'D YA LIKE IT IF I CALLED THE COPS?!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT, YA BLEEDIN’ ARSEHOLE!"
And that's why twenty minutes later, Lincoln was at the front door, his face covered in Luna's love-juice, using his silver tongue to try and talk some cops out of investigating further on a noise complaint.

...

"Okay Linc. Have you got it?" Luan asked him.
Lincoln did not.
Luan sighed, and brought up the diagram again.
Lincoln had always liked to be adventurous, and having half a score of women who had wildly different personalities, and were able to somehow overlook their genetic relationship to him, definitely made things adventurous. However, there was always a small part of him that wished for more. Not necessarily in terms of more sex, since he was basically wrung out more often than a sponge at a car-wash, but he definitely wanted a bit more novelty at times.
Fortunately, he had a classically-trained sister with a flair for the dramatic, and a knack for overly elaborate planning, to help out on that front. Together, the pair of them had brought art of roleplay to new, giddying heights.
But right now, even he was absolutely lost on his role in the scenario she had planned out.
"So... I'm you, and you're me?" Lincoln asked, toying with the familiar comedian sister's most familiar outfit, A white blouse, yellow checked-skirt and flower lapel, that he was currently wearing.
"Right." Luan responded, dressed in Lincoln's old orange polo and blue jeans. "But also... Wrong."
She brought up a pointer, and poked at the corner of the diagram.
"You're a version of me that never got into comedy, and instead went into seminary school." She pointed to a crude image of a house, that Lincoln now saw had a cross atop of it, rather than a large "t" as he had earlier thought.
"So it looks like I am, by which I mean YOU are, about to convert and become a nun." She used her pointer to go across the room to the full set of nun robes that were laid across it. “I just hope it doesn’t become a HABIT with us! Get it?” She punctuated the sentence with a punchline, from which Lincoln could roll his eyes. Luan continued to explain.
"So you're decked out like a penguin, about to renounce all sex forever, when BAM!" She slapped the pointer back across the board. "In comes your sexy bro, that is, me, who comes in to convince you otherwise. With sex."
"That's not the part I'm confused with." Lincoln said. "What I'm confused about is why do we need to switch up again after that."
Luan sighed and shook her head, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh, little brother... That's because after we consummate our lust for one another's bodies, we're almost discovered by the Mother Superior. That's where you come in, Maggie-" She pointed her pointer towards a mobile that was propped up on a dresser. On the screen, a stern, yet beautiful face of Luan's wife glared at the pair of them. She couldn't be present due to her job. Some poor post-punk band she had gone to see was about to get absolutely skewered online.
"You come to the door, wondering what's taking so long, so we, that means you and me, Linc, have to switch up clothes. But once she discovers us, she's TOTALLY into it, and she sticks around to watch."
"I still don't see why I couldn't play you." Maggie said to Luan, glumly yet belligerently.
"Because the logistics of...” She paused for a moment and looked like she was doing aa slew of mental calculations. “Okay, look, I'll send a photo of the diagram to you..."
Lincoln sighed, trying to massage away the migraine that was forming.

...

It was the height of summer, over a hundred degrees in the shade, and only someone as headstrong and committed to exercise as Lynn Loud went for a jog at midday. And only someone as foolish and weak-willed as Lincoln Loud would decide to join her, despite his time-tested pitiful stamina and coordination.
They had run three miles, getting from their house to Ketcham Park. This was usually the point, on the few occasions he felt gross or puny enough that he decided he needed exercise and tried to run with Lynn on her midnoon runs, in which Lincoln would stop and call a rideshare back to the house. Today, however, something was different, something that allowed him to stick to his sporty sister like glue throughout the entire run.
Truthfully, that something was heatstroke. About a mile into the run, his brain had begun to swim with delirium, and the usual part that told his body that it needed to stop, or else it would die, was drowned under a sea of sweat.
Lynn, for her part, was impressed by her brother’s initiative. She appreciated his perseverance that day. Normally she had Lacy to join her on her morning and late-afternoon jogs, but she always appreciated it when she was joined by Lincoln, her first sparring partner and father to her child. It was times like that that he felt like a real partner in everything together. It felt almost as good as feeling the burn post exercise, except she felt the post-burn euphoria in her feelings.
She shook her head to drive away her thoughts from that mushy sentiment. She looked around to see the prohibitive heat had left the park completely barren of others. The normally lush greenery turned to dull brown.
She also saw something else that drew her attention.
Lincoln had stopped, and was trying to get the last errant drops of water out of the single bottle Lynn had brought with her. Viewing Lincoln’s form, she saw the sweat that was drenching him, was contouring his orange running shirt to his body. It wasn’t particularly muscular, but thanks to Linc carrying around and chasing after screaming kids for a decade and a half, he had enough dad-bod definition to make Lynn’s heartbeat kick-up a notch. She also managed to let her gaze slip down his torso, and fix on his running shorts, and how small they were. How easily she could simply slip them down his long legs and-
Yeah, that line of thought did it.
“Hey Linc,” Lynn said, suddenly slapping the bottle out of his hands and taking a hold of his shoulder, leading him over to the edge of the path. “I think we should take five from the run. Then maybe we can find a little spot to REALLY work up a sweat.”
She didn’t notice his slowed reflexes and unfocused gaze, but he was still semi-lucid enough to know where the two of them were.
“Wait… Here? Now?” He said, shaking his head to try and clear his swimming vision.
“Yup.” She said with a silly grin, pushing him behind a shrivelled, but thankfully fully leaved, bush. Despite her sudden neediness for some loving, she still waited for him to give the okay.
“I mean… Sure, I guess.” Lincoln said woozily.
It wasn’t the most eager affirmation she might’ve wanted, but that just meant it was up to her to make him want it more. And damn if she didn’t love a challenge.
Not giving more than a moment’s notice, she stripped off both of their shirts, and threw them onto a sturdy branch beside them.
Next came Lynn’s own shorts, and she could see that as soon as they slipped off, her brother immediately started to get a physical reaction. She crouched down and reached out her hand, using a single finger to drag down his shorts and undies at the same time.
Out came The Log, and despite how ripe he was with perspiration, Lynn really didn’t mind that much. A lifetime of sports had made her understand that sweating was something that everyone did, and as long as you hit the showers when you could, it was fine. She liked her lips and smirked as she took both hands onto his butt, and pulled him into her mouth.
She was amused to see that the results were almost instantaneous. He was trembling at the knees, and puffing like he was running a marathon. A lingering application of her tongue on his underside had him gasping, and she felt him beginning to clench his butt.
She immediately stopped, and smirked as she drew his length out of her lips.
“Not yet, Stincoln. Don’t forget that this ain’t a solo sport.”
He rocked on his feet; his eyes unfocused. Lynn merely thought it was from being so close to cumming.
She slipped off her own shorts, exposing her freckled rear to him, before she bent over, touching her toes, and giving a little encouraging wiggle.
“What do you say, champ? Ready to go for gold?” She asked with a smirk.
Lincoln looked down, having difficulty focusing, but once he was focused enough, it was like a switch was automatically flicked inside. Instead of questioning things, he immediately began to act.
His two long arms wrapped around Lynn so suddenly that she gave a frightened giggle. With both arms, he picked her small but powerfully muscled body, and lined her entrance up with his own manhood, and thrust the two of them together.
The two joined in a chorus of moans, bodies stuck together with pouring perspiration, as the sun shone down on their glistening bodies. Lynn turned around in his arms and kissed him deeply. He responded by sucking on her tongue, unconsciously to get as much moisture from it as he could.
After several minutes, they could feel their bodies begin to move in tandem, the shocks and twitches building through them, bringing them both to release.
“LINC!” Lynn cried out as she came, her face red and hair a bushy mess.
Lincoln didn’t say anything. Just giving a final mighty thrust, before bodily collapsing backwards, dragging Lynn down to land on top of him.
Fifteen minutes later, Lynn arrived back at the Loud House, carrying her naked brother over her shoulder, before she too collapsed in a heap.

…
Contrary to speculation between their siblings, Lincoln found that Lucy was actually pretty vanilla most of the time when it came to their love life. A majority of the time she was more eager for general intimacy and closeness. A majority of the time meant, of course, that there were times where she really did live up to her reputation for weirdness.
Like now.
The two of them were in the attic, with a majority of the last two decade’s of stuff had been moved into storage, so there was a rather ample space for the two of them to sit in. On the floor, an immaculately drawn geometric circle, filled with symbols and sigils of unknown origins, with candles placed equidistant from one another. Lincoln sat cross-legged on the cold wooden floor, naked, while Lucy, wearing a clingy black robe that was sheer enough to almost be consider being naked, stood before him, holding a large grimoire in one hand, and a very sharp, very dangerous looking dagger in the other.
“You’re sure this is necessary?” Lincoln asked, something, in hindsight, that he probably should’ve asked half-an-hour before, when they’d begun.
“Physically, yes.” Lucy said dourly, as was her want. “Spiritually, though… Your soul could be torn to shreds if I make even a single miscalculation.”
Lincoln shuddered. He trusted Lucy as an expert on spiritual matters much in the same way that he trusted Lisa on scientific matters. He also trusted the pair of them, as evidenced by years of experience, to regularly fuck things up enormously in their respective fields.
“Then maybe we should go downstairs and rug up in a nice cozy blanket-“ He found himself attempting to stand up, before he found the dagger being pointed right between his eyes. It was five or so feet away, but was still intimidating enough to make him stop.
“Not so fast, Lincoln, now that the protective circle has been drawn, attempting to leave before the ritual is complete could be disastrous.” Her tone was grave. Perhaps even graver than usual.
“Are you saying that because it’s the truth, or because you still really want to do it this way?” Lincoln asked.
“Yes.” Lucy responded tersely.
Lincoln sighed.
“So what makes this ritual so dangerous, and makes it take so long to perform?” He asked, choosing to bite the bullet and ride things out rather than risk his spooky sister’s displeasure.
“It requires a very precise method that requires intense concentration on the part of the practioner, otherwise the incubus could get loose-“
“-Wait a minute, INCUBUS?” Lincoln had grasped enough of the supernatural to know that that was a bad thing.
“Don’t act so alarmed, brother.” Lucy said mildly, though Lincoln could detect a degree of annoyance that he was undermining her. “The spell is perfectly safe if followed to the letter. When done so, it greatly increases the pleasure of the act of lovemaking for those involved. Even the one who is possessed is said to feel things tenfold-“
“-POSSESSED!?” Lincoln responded, shouting. Again, while he wasn’t the most knowledgeable, he figured if one of the two of them was going to be possessed by a male spirit of lust, it was more likely to go for the person packing the equipment for it.
“Again, relax Lincoln. I’ve done similar rituals on myself, allowing myself to briefly and partially be possessed by a succubus, though the preparation for that ritual was far easier. The experience was temporary, and judging from both of our reactions, more than worth the risk.” He swore he saw the slightest blush begin to show on her face, despite the gloom of the candlelight.
“Look, Luce, I don’t think we should be doing this… Talking to ghosts is one thing, but messing with demons is entirely-“ He stopped mid-sentence. “Was one of those times in the creepy mausoleum at the graveyard?”
Lucy smiled.
“AND then in the bed-and-breakfast during our road-trip to Salem.” She added. “I like to think that was the night that Lupa was conceived…”
Lincoln mentally filed that sentence away under “Things to think about much later, possibly never” and instead recalled the two times they were talking about. He had VERY fond memories of both the occasions.
“And you say the sensations become felt-“
“-Tenfold.” Lucy finished for him.
Lincoln held his tongue for a few moments before he spoke.
“I GUESS if you say it’s safe, we can continue…” He tried to sound as begrudging as he could, but he wasn’t sure he could hide the enthusiasm in his voice.
“Of course, my love.” Lucy said, adding the poetic honorific that always made Lincoln’s heart skip a beat.
So began another twenty minutes of chanting, to combine with the thirty that had taken place before. She walked around him a lot clockwise, counter-clockwise, and frequently passing the ritual dagger over his body, sometimes worryingly close to particular vulnerable areas. But on the most part, Lincoln felt more worried that he was going to fall asleep to the Latin that Lucy softly chanted.
“Lincoln.” Lucy said, suddenly snapping him out of his drowsy state. The candles had burnt low, and flickered, allowing the shadows to pour into the circle with them.
“Are we done yet?” He said, blearily.
“Almost.” Lucy nodded. “Just one final element to bring forth the entity we require.” She said, and then walked over to the clothes that were piled near the perimeter of the circle. From out of a pocket of her artfully-ripped jeans, to remove a small glass vial.
“What is that?” Lincoln asked.
“Virgin’s blood.” Lucy responded. “To anoint you with.”
Lincoln blanched. Lucy had tried to get him into bloodplay once, and he’d told her that he considered it painful, and a waste of perfectly good sheets. Having a stranger’s blood made him even more reluctant to indulge, frankly.
“Before you ask, Lincoln. I didn’t come by it immorally.” Lucy said, parsing his thought process immediately. “Boris is a driver for the blood-bank. And Lyra tipped me off that her school’s AV club was doing a blood-drive. I only asked for a few little drops of overspill…”
Lincoln felt momentarily conflicted, while he didn’t condone stealing children’s blood, she didn’t take a meaningful amount, and it had been willingly given… And more importantly, he had already spent close to an hour naked in the dark, and he REALLY wanted to get laid.
He said nothing, and Lucy took his silence as a cue to continue. She dribbled a few drops on the tip of the knife and then began to come towards him with it.
“I’m still not sold on the knife-“ Lincoln began, before his words were once again silenced by Lucy.
“It’s called an ATHAME, Lincoln. And it’s completely necessary if I want to be able to draw the correct symbols of binding.”
Lincoln gulped, and stayed perfectly still as Lucy began to trace the anointed blade across his chest, right over his heart, tickling his chest hairs and making him tremble. Then in an invisible movement, the blade was tracing a small trail on his forehead. He looked cross-eyed to try and focus on the tip, but felt woozy trying to follow it, then in another invisible movement, the blade was gone. It took a moment for him to realise that Lucy was kneeling down in front of him, and then he felt the cold tip of the blade on his-
“Uh, Lucy…?” Lincoln said, suddenly overwhelmed with panic.
“It’ll all be over soon, beloved.” She said to him comfortingly, and she raised a hand to stroke his face tenderly while she finished drawing the necessary symbol.
Finally, he felt the fine pressure of the blade lift, and he found himself staring at a wet-wipe in his sister’s hand.
“Now that the symbols have been drawn, it shouldn’t matter if the anointing agent is removed.” She clarified, and he gratefully took the wipe from her.
Lincoln wiped himself down, and threw the towelette over with the clothes. He focused himself and found that he felt oddly unchanged. He’d had enough experience with Lucy’s rituals to know there was SOMETHING to them, but he felt no different to when he had originally knelt down for her at the beginning of the ritual.
“I don’t feel any different. Are you sure everything worked?” He asked her.
“Hmm. I can’t be entirely sure. Such beings are known to be fickle. However…” She paused, and with both hands, she suddenly unfasted the robe that held her cloak together, and the fabric slipped from her shoulders, exposing her naked form in all of its alabaster glory.
“…Perhaps you both just need a little coaxing.” She said coyly.
Whether it was from being kept in a state of sexual frustration for an hour, or whether there really was something to the ritual after all, Lincoln suddenly felt a sudden surge of powerful animal lust burst forth from the inner depths of his being. The woman in front of him was sensuous, yet vulnerable, practically begging to be ravished. He stood and began to pace towards Lucy, breaths heaving with unrestrained need for her.
“This is going to be fun.” The gothic beauty said with a rare, brilliant smile, as he pounced upon her.

...

Lincoln was trapped in an impossible situation. A rock and a hard place.
On one hand, he had a rare, excruciatingly sexy opportunity at his fingertips. He had had his fair share of threesomes before. But this was Lola and Lana, twins, together at the same time. He knew, logically in his head, that twins weren’t anything particularly different from anyone else, but his OTHER head didn’t seem to care about that logic.
Despite being together in most things, Lola and Lana were also united in a desire to act as individuals in the bedroom. He had only been in a situation with the two of them once; a few years before, and the competitiveness and frustration that the two experienced, had embittered the two of them from trying it again.
Until now, that is.
The metaphorical hard place, though… Was that they had both requested something from him. He wasn’t sure he had done anything like it before. And the more he thought about it, the more undignified and degrading he found it.
“Come on. DO it, Linky…” Lola said, smiling her glorious pearly smile. The years had blessed her with the body of an angel, which she had used to get to the forefront of her job as a lingerie model. She counted calories with more discipline than a paid accountant, and even paid Lynn to privately train her to make sure her body was firm and tight in all the right places. She had a rather larger bust than someone her size seemed to have, and Lincoln suspected that she might’ve secretly undergone some augmentation during his years of exodus, possibly with Lisa’s help. When asked, she only said her breast size was the result of drinking “plenty of Leni’s smoothies”.
“As soon as you do, you’ll get all of THIS…” Lana said, striking her fantastically round caboose. Lana was as beautiful as Lola, but where the former was soft, elegant and perfectly exact in her beauty, Lana was like a gorgeous block of marble that had been chiselled by expert hands, and weathered to a natural perfection. Her arms were as thick as the pythons she regularly handled in her volunteer animal rescue work, and her glutes were bolstered by the heavy labor she regularly did as a Journeywoman.
“Guys…” Lincoln said, cringing. They didn’t know how HARD it was for him.
“It’ll just be a few moments, and then you won’t just get one of us…” Lola said tenderly, though there was a sting in the tone that said that she enjoyed tormenting him.
“But two of us… C’mon Linc… For us…?” Lana finished off, trying to sound far more feminine and innocent than Lincoln knew she really was.
The two of them shot one another a look, and gently placed their arms around one another, before moving in to passionately kiss one another. Lincoln stared on as the two of them let out a series of small, tender moans as they slowly groped and made out with one another. After ten seconds, they broke, leaving a small string of saliva bridging across both of their mouths that eventually broke. The two then both looked expectantly back at Lincoln.
Who was he kidding, they knew EXACTLY how hard it was for him.
“I…” He wanted to resist, to say no, and walk out of the room the three of them were in… But he couldn’t just let the opportunity slide by. He was weak to the level of temptation that they aroused in him. He silently cursed the internet for instilling a thing for twins in him.
“…Just for a minute.” Lincoln said, ashamed of his inability to say no in the situation. “No more than that. I’m serious.”
Both of the twins cheered, and grabbed one another excitedly.
“Of COURSE, Linky.” Lola replied smugly.
“Whatever you say, bro.” Lana added.
Lincoln cringed and got off of the end of the bed he was sitting on, and marched over to the dresser by the other side of the room. On it was Lola’s pink smart-phone, charging and connected to a set of speakers.
“It’s at the top of the playlist.” Lola said, pre-emptively deflecting an avenue for him to get out of the situation.
Lincoln got into her phone. She really needed a better password than her and Lana’s birthday. Though it seemed to stop Lana getting into oddly enough. Just as she said, as soon as he entered her GrooviMe account, it was at the top of her sole playlist. He sighed as he pressed play and put it back into the port before the track faded in.
The bass immediately came in heavy and droning, with a wheedling synth track starting to build in the background.
“C’mon Lincoln. It’s not enough just to put on the song.” Lola said, a touch of her terrible anger poking through in her honeyed tone.
“Yeah, bro! Shake that money-maker for us!” Lana said excitedly.
Lincoln shuddered, but did as Lola and Lana said. He unbuttoned his top and threw it over to the floor on the other side of the room as the lyrics of the song kicked in and began to drone hypnotically in the background.
“The little froggy goes ‘Ribbit, Ribbit’, The little froggy goes ‘Ribbit, Ribbit’…”
Who the hell even thought of doing a trap-house remix of that song?
“Move that booty more, Linc!” Lana shouted, throwing up her hands in the air, coaxing him to do it.
Lincoln gritted his teeth and turned around. Unzipping his fly, he slowly gyrated his hips to let them drop to the ground, where he gracefully stepped out of them, exposing his underwear clad butt to the two of them.
“Take them off!” Lola shouted, bringing out a wad of dollar bills and throwing them into the air as she did so.
Lincoln hid his pained expression from the two of them. He was worried that them seeing it would only excite them more. With a deft movement, he went to quickly pull the damn things off.”
“Uh, uh, uh! SLOWLY, Lincoln.” Lola warned him.
Clenching his teeth so hard he thought they might break, he very slowly let his last layer of clothing drop down, and the two twins whooped as his pasty white-boy booty was exposed to the world.
“The little froggy goes ‘Ribbit, Ribbit’, The little froggy goes ‘Ribbit, Ribbit’…” The song continued to chant, maddeningly.
“Alright. The drop’s coming up,” Lana reminded him. “When it hits, that’s the cue to start twerking!”
Tears began to slowly bead in the corner of his eyes. Internally, all he could do was repeat that it would all be worth it.
Even if he knew it was a lie.
…

Lincoln sat on the bed, exhausted from the trials of the day. The responsibilities of running a household of a veritable score of his own progeny was draining, to say the least. Sometimes he just wanted to relax on his own solitary. His victory undies and a good comic often called his name like a siren song on days like that.
But maybe he was just fooling himself. He loved helping people and being involved in drama, probably more than was healthy. And nowadays when he had a few spare moments to himself, he often craved the company of others, or for some new catastrophe to occur that would need his attention.
Speaking of which, the door to his bedroom opened.
“Good evening, fraternal unit. As you can see, I have cleansed my epidermis of inactive skin cells, and enriched my hair with an optimal amount of selenium-based hair product.” Lisa said, walking in, and Lincoln confirmed from the slightly damp hair that she had had a shower.
Lincoln recalled it was her turn that night to spend some company with him. Which didn’t necessarily mean sex was involved. Sometimes he enjoyed a long talk or some general TLC.
He wouldn’t say NO if sex was on the table though.
“How would you like to spend this nocturnal hour, sans your paternal responsibilities? A stimulating conversation, perhaps? Or a rousing table-top based game-“ Lisa said before Lincoln cut her off.
“-We’ve been over this BEFORE, Lisa. It’s absolutely fine for you to ask me for sex if you want. You don’t need to overthink things all the time.”
Lisa sighed with relief.
“Thank Science you reminded me. I was prepared to maunder on for far too long before asking for coitus.” Lisa admitted, blushing. “Now would be the perfect occasion to try out some of the upgrades I’ve put on FriendBot for the occasion.”
Lincoln’s mood immediately fell. While he loved Lisa, and thought she was the most brilliant person he had ever known, he was less than enthused about her habit of making robots fill in for very human-oriented tasks. Lincoln, when confronted with the reality of them, felt that the media was VERY wrong about how pleasurable people would find robot sex. Lisa’s machines were often BRUTALLY efficient, and, more often than not, Lincoln felt like he’d had orgasms vacuumed out of him rather than having an enjoyable experience.
Lisa had long ago upgraded FriendBot into FriendsWithBenefitsBot exclusively for the task, and Lincoln had trouble talking to Lisa about how he wanted he and the machine to go back to being just friends.
“That sounds great, Lis...” Lincoln mumbled.
Lisa pulled a small remote out of the side pocket on her dressing gown. Within a few seconds, he heard the superpowered engine of Friendbot emerging from Lisa’s bunker from outside, and proceed to slam open the front door and scoot up the stairs (knocking over Loan, judging by the tone of the scream) to come to their door. Thankfully Lisa had programmed it not to open their door without their say. Too many young minds had been scarred from the time before that subroutine had been added.
“Enter, FriendBot.” Lisa commanded.
The door flew open, and Lincoln was confronted with the lifeless, emoji-like face of FriendBot. The white-haired man quickly snuck it a look of unparalleled loathing, before putting on an eager-looking face for his sister.
“Now, I wanted to test out the new “Embrace” system before we got into things… Are you alright with that, Lincoln.”
“Of course, Lisa.” Lincoln responded, poker-faced.
“Excellent. FriendBot, execute subroutine Theta-Six, streetname: Loving Hug.”
Immediately the machines cable-like arms flexed across the room, and coiled around Lincoln like a pair of anacondas. He felt himself being picked up bodily, and struggled to draw a full breath into his chest.
“How is it, Lincoln? Do you feel sufficiently comforted? Rate it on a scale of One to Ten.”
Lincoln felt his vision going dark, but attempted to answer the question regardless.
“Probably about a Five.” He choked out. “Though maybe it’s a little tight…”
“Hmm.” Lisa mumbled. “Friendbot, reduce Hug PSI by, perhaps, two hundred.”
Lincoln immediately felt the arms around him relax slightly, but he still found himself immobile and suspended in the air. He just wasn’t going to be strangled to death now.
“Now, fraternal unit, discussing the itinerary for the remainder of the night…” Lisa began, taking off a pad attached to the back of FriendBot. “While we have rather EXTENSIVELY covered your performance in terms of stamina, I’m beginning to take more of an interest with determining the limits of your refractory period.”
“Oh.” Lincoln said, his enthusiasm suddenly growing again. “That sounds like it’ll be fun.”
“Affirmative. We can start the first round, and then FriendBot can administer additional stimulus to help you get back into the mood.”
Lincoln flinched as he saw a new arm spring out a panel in FriendBot’s chest, and a long probe with a round end that crackled with electricity at the tip.
It was going to be a loooooooong night.

…

"... Get in the Fenton suit, Linky."
"Yes, Lily." Lincoln said forlornly.
At least it wasn't the squirrel suit.

EPILOGUE

Lily liked being an adult.
It wasn’t just being able to drink, or to drive, or being able to go to jail for doing both at the same time, but also because she finally felt like she was part of a cool club that the rest of her family had seemed to be in for years before her. Even if Lisa had only become a legal adult a few years before her, her super-genius had meant that she was already dealing with the wider world since Lily could talk.
It felt kind of lonely, to be honest.
But now she was a full, legal, booze-drinking, weed-toking, tax-paying adult, she also got to be involved in other things that her other sisters were into, as well.
Like her stud brother.
Okay, it was more than a little weird being part of a weird, incestuous clan that was completely dysfunctional and borderline cultish in many respects, but she had to admit that it felt NICE to be able to connect with her family all the more. And not just physically, like with Linc. There was also the gossip that the sisters shared.
Tips, Tricks and Techniques for how best to ride The Log were shared regularly. Lily had been forbidden from being involved in those conversations before, but when she finally took the plunge onto Lincoln Loud’s Miraculous Log, things that had once been secret, whispered behind closed doors, had immediately opened up to her.
Lori was usually pretty tight lipped, but the rest were a font of knowledge. Like Leni suggesting energy-boosting smoothie breaks for long love-making sessions, while Lynn gave her exercise tips for how keep herself flexible and toned. Luna and Luan were full of stories of the wildest times they’d been together with their brother, and Lola and Lana told her all the ways they teased and worked him up. Lisa literally knew Lincoln inside and out, and had the stat-sheets to prove it.
But it was Lucy who Lily felt had something different. With the other sisters, there was love, familial and otherwise, but Lucy seemed to have a vivid emotional connection with their other sisters seemed to lack. Lily would daresay it was something SPIRITUAL. If saying that out loud wouldn’t have left her open to the derision of Lisa, anyway.
But Lily found herself drawn to her morbid and romantic sister for her advice to try and figure out how to forge a similar connection with her brother. It wasn’t like he denied Lily anything, but sometimes, when they were making love, he seemed so SAD, like he had failed her, or perhaps himself, in some way.
It was a bit of a mood-killer, honestly.
So that was why she was currently sitting down, having coffee with Lucy in the booth of a quiet little cafe, hearing about her most recent time with their brother.
“…And then we did it until the sun rose, wherein the incubus that sealed was safely sent back to the blasphemous underworld from whence it came.” The faintest of blushes filled the deathly pallor of her sister’s cheeks.
Lily was fairly impressed. She was normally pretty iffy on the whole supernatural front, but from how descriptive her spooky sister was, it seemed like it was certainly worth it, whether or not it was actually real.
“And you said it went on for FIVE HOURS?” Lily said, wanting to hear more.
“Sigh. Yes.” Lucy confirmed. “He was as forceful as a piston and as passionate as I’d ever seen him before. It’s nights like that that make me almost wish to never experience the sweet embrace of oblivion.”
While Lily couldn’t see her eyes, she knew her older sister was staring off dreamily.
“Do you…” Lily almost asked, but thought better of it. “Never mind.”
“No. Do not silence yourself for me, ever, baby sister.” Lucy said, laying a comforting hand over Lily’s. “Tell me what is on your mind.”
“…Do you think that what the two of you have is because of how good the sex is?” Lily said hurriedly, feeling ashamed and embarrassed for saying so, since it was tacitly admitting that she felt that Lucy had a stronger connection with Lincoln than her and any of the others.
“Sigh.” Lucy said, and moved her head to look out the window beside them, and glare out over the clouded streets.
“… I do not know how Lincoln feels about the rest of us individually. It is my belief that he loves us all as much as one another, and would never deign to try and choose favorites amongst us.” Lucy stated. Lily thought it would be the end of the matter, but was surprised to find that her sister continued.
“However... I feel that the connection that me and Lincoln have is profound. Passing all barriers of birth and blood, and that our souls and destinies are intertwined. And not only from the birth of our child, but even before that, we had already forged a bond that I am sure will survive even death.”
Lily looked on at her, awed by the strength and certainty of her words. Before she knew it, she felt her own eyes began to swim, and heard herself speak words that she wasn’t conscious of wanting to ask.
“Do you think that… Me and him could ever have a bond like that?” Lily asked, her voice trembling from the fear of hearing that she wouldn’t.
Lucy was silent, and for every second that she was, Lily felt her heart sink further and further.
“Lily… My dear, sweet sister. I would not practice magick, if I did not believe in the ability to CHANGE one’s fate. The depth of the bond that me and Lincoln share was formed by intimacy. By trust and respect. I have no doubt, if you follow your heart, and be open and inspire desire in him, that you could bind your beings even closer than the two of us.”
The answer made Lily cry tears of happiness. She really did love her brother, and the thought of her not being able to good enough to be loved by him in turn had eaten at her like a maggot in her mind. To hear otherwise filled her with hope. But that hope was extinguished quickly again, when she realised she had no way of knowing how to do what Lucy suggested. She wasn’t like her older sisters. She wasn’t as smart, or as funny, or as strong. She wasn’t good at music, or knew how to do magic-
Her brain froze in place from a sudden revelation. The solution was obvious. She had been listening to her sister talking about how she had engineered a perfect intimate encounter by using magic for the entire time they’d been sitting down.
“Lucy…” Lily began. “Do you think you could teach me how to do the ritual that you did with Lincoln?”
“Absolutely not.” Lucy’s response was so sudden and forceful that it shocked Lily. “It is not for neophytes. If even the smallest thing were to go wrong, there could be dire consequences that even the wisest sage couldn’t envision or forestall.”
“Then teach me how to do it properly!” Lily asked, reaching her hand out to her older sister. She was a little disheartened to see that her sister flinched at the gesture.
“Even with all my experience in the darkest of arts, I cannot assure your safety Lily… I couldn’t bear to do anything that would hurt you…”
Lily put her own hand onto Lucy’s, mirroring the gesture that her older sister had done before.
“Please, Lucy… I LOVE him. I don’t want to disappoint him like I feel I do. I don’t want to fail…”
Her sister was as still as a corpse for a long time, her figure slumped over, and staring into the blackness of the dregs that remained in her coffee mug. Lily clung on to her hand, willing with every fibre of her being for her to accept. When the waitress came over to refill their coffees, Lily was almost afraid that Lucy wouldn’t talk again. But the pouring of the fresh steaming beverage seemed to make her writhe to life once more.
“You will listen to my every word. And practice until I am assured that you will make no mistake. NOTHING can go wrong…” Lucy said, her words seeming thin and worried.
Lily felt elated though. A feeling of conviction and sureness that she had never felt before. She would follow in her sister’s footsteps and have an unforgettable night with Lincoln, and finally drive him into such throes of passion that she knew she would never feel estranged or awkward with him again.
And besides, what was the worst that could happen?
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How to Satisfy Ten Sisters