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Heaven Help You	By : GeorgeGlass Category: +G through L > Helluva Boss Views: 8009 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Helluva Boss or its characters. I made no money from writing this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Heaven Help You
- 1
Heaven Help You
by George Glass
Summary: When the I.M.P. team goes to Earth to assassinate a movie star, a cherub makes Loona an offer she can’t refuse.
Note: This story contains adult language, drug references, graphic violence, horny demons, horny cherubs, horny humans, and pretty much everything that makes Helluva Boss fun. Well, except for seizure-inducing flashes of light. But there is explicit sex, so, you know, tradeoff. Anyway, you’ve been warned. :)
- - -
It was a typical morning at Immediate Murder Professionals (I.M.P.). They had no clients at the moment, as was so often the case these days, so Blitzo had found pointless busywork for everyone.
Moxxie had been tasked with organizing the company’s oddly eclectic arsenal. Arranging the weapons alphabetically made as much sense as anything, so now Moxxie was neatly stacking the maces just to the right of the MAC-10 machine pistols.
At least, until he heard the screaming.
Each scream was like a cross between a shriek and a roar. And when an unnerved Moxxie stepped out into the hallway—with a mace in one hand and a MAC-10 in the other, just to be on the safe side—he could hear that the screaming was coming from the ladies’ room.
He was considering running to the screamer’s rescue when the screaming died down to muttered cursing. Now, Moxxie recognized the voice as Loona’s. It was strange to hear the hellhound, who had been lackadaisically printing flyers in the copy room a few minutes ago, vocalizing so angrily now. Even though anger was pretty much Loona’s default setting.
Even when Loona went back to screaming, Moxxie decided to stay put. Bursting in on Loona in the bathroom seemed like a very bad idea, regardless of the circumstances.
Nonetheless, and despite his ongoing concern that Loona was just one paper jam away from going on a workplace killing spree, Moxxie found himself loitering in the hallway. Shoving his weapons into his belt, he fetched a paper cup of water from the cooler and sipped it slowly, his eyes periodically flicking to the ladies’ room door. He tried to convince himself that he wasn’t doing this out of any concern for Loona, and that he was simply taking time to consider his organizational scheme. Should the maces actually go to the right of the MAC-10s, or had his first impression been correct that hyphens and other symbols should come before the letters of the alphabet?
Finally, Loona emerged from the ladies’ room. Just as she was about to walk briskly past him, Moxxie held up a finger to get her attention.
“Is, um, everything all right?” he asked.
“Go teabag a bear trap, Moxxie!” Loona growled. At a lower volume, she added, “Not that it’d make much difference.”
Then, seeing confusion on Moxxie’s face and realizing that the imp probably didn’t know what “teabag” meant, Loona sighed and griped, “This syphilis is driving me fucking nuts. Every time I take a piss, it’s like my own personal Here inside my urethra.”
Moxxie looked utterly uncomfortable as he replied, “Well, that’s, that’s…unfortunate.”
“No shit,” Loona spat. “And there’s not one fucking thing I can do about it. You can buy crack, smack, and meth on every street corner in this place, but nobody sells penicillin!”
“If it makes you feel any better,” Moxxie said, “I don’t think that would work anyway. Hell-diseases are too virulent to treat with ordinary Earth drugs.”
“Why would that make me feel any better!?” Loona snarled, making Moxxie’s eyes widen in momentary fright. Nonetheless, the imp found himself forging ahead.
“Besides, I’m, well, having problems of my own in the, um…trousers area.”
“Oh, great, let’s swap crotch stories,” Loona said. “That’ll make for an awesome coffee break.”
Then, considering that what Moxxie was about to say could be funny as shit and might therefore distract her from her discomfort, Loona said, “Sorry. Go on.”
“It’s just that recently, in the, um, bedroom, I’ve been having a little trouble, er, being intimate with Millie.”
For a moment, Loona wasn’t sure what Moxxie was talking about. Then she realized that he wouldn’t be hemming and hawing like a pansy if he was referring to an emotional problem.
“You mean you can’t get it up?” she said.
“Um, yes, that’s, that’s about the size of it.” Realizing that he’d made an unfortunate pun, Moxxie added, “As it were.”
Loona considered letting loose with a hilariously stinging comment, but she decided to let Moxxie dig himself a deeper hole first.
“Have you seen a doctor about it?” she asked.
“I don’t know if I want to. Our in-network doctors do a lot of-” he swallowed “-unnecessary touching.”
Blitzo stuck his horned head out the door of the conference room and said, “Of course they do. How do you think I can afford a health plan for a company with only four employees? Using us sexually is built into the contract. So quit being a wussbag and take your latex finger-bang like a man.” Then he disappeared back into the conference room.
“Oh, Moxxie, that reminds me,” Loona said. “Your internist called earlier. She says you’re overdue for your ‘ultra-high colonic.’”
“Oh, dear,” Moxxie whimpered.
Loona was about to burst into laughter when Blitzo’s head reappeared in the conference room doorway.
“New client!” Blitzo hollered. “Everybody get your asses in here!”
Moxxie hustled down the hall, Loona trailing grumpily behind him. Millie appeared from the file room, and Moxxie let her take his arm as they entered the conference room—even though he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, fearing to see disappointment or pity in her eyes.
Blitzo was sitting at the head of the table. On his left was a woman wearing a slinky dress that was full length but fit her tightly in all the right places. Its blood-red hue matched both the woman’s eyes and her talon-like nails.
“Everyone,” Blitzo said, “this is Eloise Rivulette, our new client. She’s going to tell us about the woman who fucked her over in life and who we’re going to put a couple new holes in.”
Moxxie winced a bit. He sometimes wished his boss could be a little more professional with the clients. Although this client didn’t seem to be too concerned with professionalism herself.
“The cunt’s name,” Eloise began, “is Sylvia Slattery, and she is one hundred percent responsible for me being dead.”
Eloise reached into her large red-leather purse and pulled out a glossy photo of Sylvia, who was modeling a sky-blue bikini and a matching see-through wrap. She was an absolute knockout: tall and fair-skinned, with an hourglass figure and wavy red hair that came down almost to her bubble butt.
“Well,” Moxxie commented, “that seems like a good reason to want revenge.”
“Damn right it is,” Eloise spat. “After that bitch robbed me of the female lead in Speed Freaks 5—I’m sure she was fucking the director—I got so pissed off that I went to a party at Jeffrey Weinberg’s house, got drunk off my ass, banged that kid from the American Cake movies in the pool house, did a couple lines of coke to sober up, and drove home angry. I never would have busted through that guardrail on the PCH and plunged to my death if that ho-bag hadn’t pissed me off so much.”
“Hollywood’s a bitch, ain’t it?” Millie said sympathetically.
“I’m not sure,” Moxxie began, “how that makes Ms. Slattery directly responsible-”
“We’re happy to take the job,” Blitzo cut in. “Sylvia will be feeding the worms by this time tomorrow.”
“And in the meantime,” Millie added, “if ya wanna visit Jeffrey Weinberg, he just got here yesterday. Still got them shoelace marks ‘round his neck.” She moved closer to Moxxie. “We saw him on our way home last night, didn’t we, shug? He was chattin’ up one o’ those li’l gals who killed some other kid over an internet meme.”
“I know,” Eloise replied. “I introduced them. I’m paying you with the finder’s fee he gave me.”
***
The moment Eloise left, Blitzo said, “Thanks to one of my contacts, I know where the target is right now. So let’s arm up and get moving.”
Blitzo preferred not to mention that his contact was a damned soul: a social media queen bee who had died five years earlier but still kept close track of the rich and famous up on Earth, as well as being one of Hell’s leading gossip-mongers. And today, her info came at a bargain price: She had given Blitzo Sylvia’s current location in exchange for a mere twenty minutes of pussy-eating. Blitzo was okay with that; dignity was for people who didn’t have to work for a living.
“Where are the fucking samurai swords?” Loona growled as she looked this way and that in the newly reorganized armory. “I literally wanna take somebody’s head off today.”
“Those are under K for ‘katana,’” Moxxie explained. “Then they’re subdivided by historical period.” Loona rolled her eyes and then went to the end of the room to find the weapon she wanted.
“If I want a pair of flintlock pistols,” Blitzo said, “do I look under F for ‘flintlock,’ P for ‘pistol,’ or M for ‘Moxxie is an obsessive-compulsive douchebag?’”
“That would be F, sir,” Moxxie sighed.
After the others chose their weapons, Moxxie selected his own. While Blitzo liked nineteenth-century pistols, and Millie and Loona tended to favor hand weapons, Moxxie was going with the good old M16. The classic American assault rifle was practical, reliable, and fairly easy to clean blood off of. Fairly.
“Ooooh, sweetie,” Millie said when Moxxie emerged from the armory. “You know it gets me goin’ when you carry a big gun.”
Moxxie smiled weakly. “I’d better inspect it before we-”
“Hey, no time to waste!” Blitzo said. He had already retrieved Stolas’ magical grimoire from the safe in his office and was using it to open a portal to Earth right there in the hallway. “Everybody into the pool! And Loony, don’t bother with your human disguise; anybody who sees us is gonna be fuckin’ toast anyway.”
They all stepped through and found themselves in the entrance hallway of a huge, modern house. The walls were painted white, and the enormous windows mainly looked out onto the house’s beautifully landscaped front yard and the trees that sheltered the house on either side. A crystal chandelier hung from the fifteen-foot ceiling just ahead of where a curving staircase led up from the hallway.
“Woooowwww,” Millie said, looking around with her Viking hand axe over her shoulder. “This here’s a gen-u-ine Hollywood mansion! Sylvia Slattery sure has done well for herself.”
“Guess she must have fucked all the right people,” Blitzo replied.
Then his cell phone rang, and Blitzo reflexively pulled it out of his pocket and answered it.
“Yeah, what?”
A familiar voice cooed, “Hello, Blitzy.”
“Oh, fucking damn it,” Blitzo murmured. Letting Stolas ear-bang him now and then was more or less a condition of Blitzo’s being able to use the highborn owl-demon’s grimoire to get I.M.P. to Earth, but Blitzo really wasn’t in the mood.
Louder, Blitzo said, “Look, Stolas, I’m in the middle of a job here. I don’t have time for your psychotic brand of phone sex.”
“Oh, but Blitzy, I’m so very lonely right now. I find myself craving your special sort of company…because what I really want is to rip those black boxer shorts off of your BEEP and eat that big red BEEEEEP like a fucking breakfast burrito!”
“Huh. Didn’t think a fancy-nancy like you would even know about breakfast burritos.”
“I’ve seen advertisements,” Stolas replied, pronouncing it ‘ad-VER-tiss-ments.’ “So once I get your BEEP into my mouth, I’m going to…”
Blitzo muted himself and sighed to the others, “You all go on ahead. This is gonna take a minute.”
Leaving Blitzo to his phone conversation, Millie, Moxxie, and Loona proceeded down the hall. Millie was still looking around with wonderment.
“Dang, this place is big,” she said. “How’re we gonna find Sylvia in all this?”
“Loona,” Moxxie asked hesitantly, “can you, maybe, track her by her scent?”
“I don’t know what she smells like, genius,” Loona retorted. “Her eight-by-ten glossy wasn’t scratch-’n-sniff.”
“Maybe we oughta split up,” Millie suggested. “Sylvia’s just one human; findin’ her’s gonna be harder than killin’ her.”
“Good idea,” Loona replied. “You two search this floor. I’ll check upstairs.”
Before either imp could reply, Loona strode up the wide, light-wood stairs. She was happy to do this part solo; she’d already had her fill of Moxxie’s whimpering and Millie being sickeningly starstruck.
At the top of the stairs, there was a little sitting area that looked down on the entrance hall, and two hallways that went left and right. Loona chose left and started opening doors, finding a wood-floored workout studio, then an opulent master bedroom, then a home office.
She was heading for the door at the end of the hallway when it opened on its own. Just inside what appeared to be a guest bedroom, a creature was hovering several inches above the luxuriantly carpeted floor. It looked like an anthropomorphic sheep or goat with violet wool and a small pair of wings.
“Oh, no,” Loona said, raising her katana to shoulder height, “not you.”
***
Moxxie and Millie found no trace of Sylvia in the hallway or the house’s expansive living room. But once they entered the dining room, Millie pointed to a swinging door on the far side.
“Mox,” she whispered, “I hear somebody talkin’ in there.”
Moxxie listened for a moment. “Sounds like men. Several of them.”
“Well, maybe they know where Sylvia is. On three?”
“On three,” Moxxie agreed, albeit less enthusiastically than usual.
Millie counted to three, and then the two imps burst through the swinging door, brandishing their weapons. Beyond the door was a kitchen where seven men in black suit jackets and white shirts—bodyguards, Moxxie guessed—stood around drinking coffee. One of them pointed at the two imps and shouted, “Intruders!”
The lead guard, a burly White man with a shaved head, pulled out a taser gun, while a tall, slim Black guard unclipped a can of pepper spray from his belt. The rest pulled retractable batons out of their jackets and snapped them open.
“I don’t know what comic convention you freaks dressed up for,” the head guard said, “but this isn’t the fucking Radisson. Get out.”
Millie looked at the guards and their non-lethal weapons with genuine pity.
“Aw, fellas,” she said, “is that really all ya got?”
“Look, lady,” the one with the pepper spray said, “this is California, not Texas.”
“On the other hand,” another guard added, “I can buy my wife any sex toy she wants. You can’t do that in Texas.”
“Oooooh,” Millie replied, “now that is an upside.”
“Well,” Moxxie said, flicking off the safety on his M16 and pointing the weapon at the guards, “at least this part of the mission will be easy. Now tell us where Ms. Slattery is.”
“Who?” the lead guard replied.
“Sylvia Slattery,” Millie said. “Ain’t this her house?”
“This is Fontania Muffincup’s house, bitch,” the man spat. Moxxie’s hands tightened around his rifle, but Millie seemed unfazed.
“Ooooh, she’s a big ol’ star!” Millie exclaimed. “She was in Twist of Fate, Anger-Management Dropout, Leather and Long Johns…that last one’s my favorite…”
“I think,” one of the baton-holding guards said, “Sylvia’s that chick who’s watering the plants while Fontania’s out of the country.”
“Wait,” Moxxie said, confused. “If you’re Ms. Muffincup’s bodyguards, why aren’t you with her?”
“Union rules,” the guard with the pepper spray replied. “No foreign travel.”
“So where’s Sylvia?” Millie asked. “I figure y’all can tell us that, seein’ as you’re not her bodyguards.”
The lead guard replied, “Go to Hell, bitch.”
Having heard quite enough badmouthing of his wife by this thuggish human, Moxxie snarled, “After you.” Then he pointed his weapon at the man and pulled the trigger.
There was nothing more than a click.
“What the-” Moxxie exclaimed. Then he lifted his rifle and took a good look at it. “This weapon is filthy! It doesn’t look like it’s been cleaned since it was dropped in the jungle in the Seventies! And is this bubble gum on the firing pin!?”
“Loona was s’posed to clean all the guns yesterday,” Millie said. Hefting her axe, she added, “But don’t worry, shug, I got this.”
***
“Hey,” Loona snarled as she brandished her sword at the floating purple creature, “you’re one of those weenie little cherubs who tried to stop us from killing that old inventor guy. Don’t tell me you’re gonna try to keep us from killing Sylvia, too. From what I heard, that didn’t end so well for you guys last time.” She pointed to the crown of Collin’s head as she added smugly, “Can’t help but notice they revoked your halo.”
Tamping down his shame over his past failure, Collin replied, “Actually, I’m here to talk with you about a separate matter. I understand you have a little problem, um, down in the garage.”
“Garage?” Loona replied shortly. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You know, a little ‘fire down below,’” Collin said, gesturing vaguely at the lower half of his body.
“Satan’s nutsack,” Loona swore, “you’re even worse than Moxxie. Yes, I have fucking syphilis, and how the fuck do you know about it?”
“We cherubs know many things.”
“Oh, bullshit. Heaven fired you guys; they’re not telling you dick.”
“My point is,” Collin said, “I have a way to remove your…illness.”
Loona’s red-and-white eyes narrowed. “What’re you talking about?”
“Well…as it happens…making love with a heavenly being can cure even the most virulent of sexually transmitted diseases.”
Loona stared at Collin, her jaw hanging. Then she burst out laughing, dropping her katana and pounding the doorframe with her fist.
“Oh! Oh Lucifer’s fuckrod!” she shouted between peals of laughter. “You must really be hard up for pussy if you’re trying to get some from a hellhound with crotch rot!”
“On the contrary, I am merely trying to help-”
“Look, goat-boy,” Loona interrupted, her hilarity giving way to her normal baseline hostility, “I’d rather clean out my cooch with a rusty drain-snake than fuck one of you fluffy little cloud-hoppers. I bet you’re hung like a Chihuahua and have half the stamina.”
Collin looked a bit embarrassed. “Well, that’s, um, that’s not entirely untrue…in my current form, I mean. But…”
Before Loona’s eyes, the cherub began to transform, growing larger as its wooly coat shortened to a fine hide and faded from purple to pure white. Collin’s legs grew to twice their former length, but his hooves remained cloven. Before Loona could wonder just what Collin was transforming into, a gleaming white horn extended from his forehead.
“Oh great,” she said sourly. “You’re a unicorn. One of Heaven’s literal dickheads.”
But it seemed Collin wasn’t yet finished transforming. He continued to grow until he looked much less like a baby goat and much more like a huge white stallion.
But Loona’s eyes were quickly drawn away from Collin’s rippling flanks and muscular haunches and locked onto what was now hanging heavily between the cherub’s hind legs: a black horse-cock that, despite being flaccid, was as long and thick as Loona’s forearm. The mega-member was backed by a pair of cojones that looked like two bowling balls in a black burlap sack.
“Holy fucking shit!” Loona gasped.
The hellhound couldn’t remember the last time anything had instantly driven her level of sexual interest from minus ten to a hundred—if it had ever happened at all. In Hell, sex was everywhere, and pornography was second only to drugs as the leading consumer product. As a result, denizens of the City of the Damned tended to be pretty jaded about anything having to do with the pleasures of the flesh.
Maybe that was the kicker here. Collin’s member wasn’t just the biggest, hottest, tastiest-looking cock Loona had ever seen—it was also hanging off the last creature she’d ever expect to have it. It had taken her libido by surprise and jacked it up to the ceiling.
Which was why, instead of further expressing her astonishment, Loona simply muttered, “Oh yeah, we’re fuckin’ doin’ this.”
She grabbed that mighty dong in both hands and vigorously licked its entire length with her lupine tongue, starting at the flared head and working her way down the thick, fleshy shaft to that big black ball sack. And then tonguing the hell out of that, too.
“Oh my goodness!” Collin cried as Loona’s tongue massaged his balls, causing them to swell even more enormously.
“Shut up!” Loona growled. “Don’t ruin this by talking.” Then she went back to trying to lick every square inch of his balls.
***
In less than a minute, Millie had leaped and spun all over the kitchen with her axe, leaving wide splashes of human blood all over the white walls and marble countertops and seven dead or wounded bodyguards on the mosaic-tile floor. Moxxie, standing by the wall and cleaning his rifle as best he could, watched a severed head roll by like a tumbleweed, weakly spattering the floor—and Moxxie’s ankles—with blood from its neck-stump as it went.
One of the few surviving guards was crawling toward the door. Moxxie was 50/50 on whether the man would make it across the threshold before he bled out. Feeling embarrassed at having contributed nothing to the slaughter thus far, Moxxie raised his rifle, preparing to slam the butt of it into the man’s head and finish him off.
“Wait!” Millie cried. “We still need to know where Sylvia is.”
Moxxie kept the rifle butt above the guard’s head, threatening to strike as he demanded, “Where is Sylvia Slattery?”
Feebly, the man replied, “M- Maybe the…guestroom…”
“And while we’re askin’ questions,” Millie said, “how come Fontania Muffincup needs a housesitter when she’s got all y’all just hangin’ around her place?”
“Union…rules…” the bodyguard replied. Then his body went slack as he bled out.
***
“…make you BEEP so hard that BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP shoots out of my fucking nose!”
Blitzo blinked. “Wow. Your family really oughta lay off the inbreeding for a couple generations, you know that?”
“Ahhh, Blitzy,” Stolas replied, his dreamy tone indicating that he had just shot his wad all over the hem of his paisley smoking jacket, “your brand of humor is always refreshing. Now, I have business to attend to, so ta-ta.” There was a beep as the call ended.
“Well,” Blitzo said, “there’s fifteen minutes I’ll never get back. Now where the fuck is my crew?”
***
“I’m sorry, Millie,” Moxxie said as the two imps ascended the house’s rear stairs. “I wasn’t any help to you in that fight, or…at other times, lately.”
“Mox, baby, you’re puttin’ too much pressure on yourself,” Millie replied. “You’re too worried about gettin’ it up to actually get it up, is all. You just gotta let things happen ‘stead o’ tryin’ to make ‘em happen.”
She took his hand. “‘Cause I love you, and I love bein’ with you, hard or soft. Ya git me?”
“I get you. Thanks, Millie.”
***
By the time Loona had licked her way back from Collin’s massive balls to the crown of his huge horse-dong, she was so horny that she literally ripped off her crop top and skirt, sending black shreds flying everywhere. Then she dropped onto all fours next to the amazingly hung unicorn, crawled sideways until she was directly underneath him, and then backed up until the head of that gorgeous monster-dick was touching her furry ass, making her whole body shudder with excitement.
Collin felt the intense heat of Loona’s eager pussy—not just against his cockhead, but radiating so strongly that he felt it on his huge balls, too. That sensation, along with everything that Loona had done with her mouth and her dexterous tongue, had aroused him so greatly that he could barely think.
The moment Loona felt the object of her desire touch her, she reached back and seized it firmly. Then she put its thick head at her entrance. She felt as though her labia were grabbing hold of Collin’s dick and trying to pull it into her pussy under their own power, even though they had to spread insanely wide just to get around the head.
“Shove it in,” Loona gasped.
“Sorry, what was that?” Collin asked.
Later, Loona would realize that Collin probably actually hadn’t heard what she’d said, given that she was underneath him and well away from his ears. But right now, it felt like an agonizing tease, and Loona was having none of that.
“I SAID SHOVE IT THE FUCK IN!”
Collin wasn’t even startled; his intense arousal had blocked out every other emotion. Now desperate to get inside Loona, he lunged forward, thrusting fully half of his huge cock into her in one shove.
“HUUUAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Loona cried, already cumming just from the incredible friction that Collin’s thick horse-member was suddenly putting on her clit by stretching her pussy so wide.
All angel-appropriate thoughts had gone out of Collin’s head the moment he thrust into Loona’s impossibly hot, tight cunt. Now, he was focused on nothing but his own burning need and doing everything possible to satisfy it. He shoved forward again, and again, thrusting more of his massive cock into Loona’s hole.
“Oh…fuck…” Loona moaned. Her orgasm hadn’t even put a dent in her horniness.
She’d never been half so full of dick in all her unnatural life, and the experience was absolutely overwhelming. She done plenty of bondage and other kinky stuff, but none of it had ever simultaneously hurt so fucking much and felt so fucking good.
“More…” she gasped.
Collin started fucking her in a rhythm, albeit a brutal one, with slow pullbacks between powerful thrusts. Loona dug her claws into the carpeted floor and thrust her ass back every time Collin shoved forward, and it felt like her insides were being pounded with a sledgehammer of pleasure.
“What the-!” Moxxie shouted as he and Millie appeared in the doorway.
Loona looked at him and snarled ferociously.
“Loona looks busy,” Millie said nervously as she grabbed Moxxie’s arm. “Sylvia obviously ain’t here; let’s keep lookin’.”
“G- Good idea,” Moxxie stammered, and the two imps vanished from the doorway.
Collin felt an ache in his enormous balls, like a growing pressure that he absolutely needed to release. He fucked Loona harder and faster, and both the unicorn and the hellhound grunted in a feral rhythm as they mated savagely.
Neither of them noticed the strange scent that their conjoined bodies were beginning to produce. Not even when it became a visible pink mist that filled the room and poured out the door.
***
“Blitzo!” Millie whispered loudly as she and Moxxie reached the bottom of the back staircase and approached their boss from behind in a hallway. “Seen any sign o’ Sylvia?”
“Not a damn thing,” Blitzo replied. “But what the fuck is that racket upstairs?”
“Oh, that, that ain’t nuthin’ important,” Millie replied.
“Mills,” Blitzo replied, “you’re adorable and great with an axe, but you can’t lie for shit. What the fuck is going on?”
“Well, sir,” Moxxie began hesitantly, “it would appear that a member of our party may be engaged in an act of, how should I put it-”
“Loona’s fuckin’ a unicorn!” Millie blurted.
“A unicorn?” Blitzo replied. “That’s just another form of…Oh, shitballs.” His fists tightened as he asked, “Are you saying a freaking cherub is fucking my daughter?”
“Well, it ain’t like she was a virgin,” Millie replied. “I mean, how’d you think she got that syphilis in the first place?”
“Very true,” Moxxie added. Millie snuggled close to him.
“No, you shitbrains!” Blitzo spat. “Don’t you know what happens when a Hell-being does the worm with a heavenly one?”
Millie and Moxxie shook their heads.
“Then hang onto your asses,” Blitzo said, “because-”
His eyebrows rose abruptly. “Oh, Lucifer’s taint, the target!” he shouted. “We’ve gotta find Sylvia and put some lead in her head right frickin’ now, or she’ll be halfway to Buttfuck, Delaware by the time we can get after her! Come on!”
He took off down the hallway, sprinting toward a side door that led to the house’s driveway. Moxxie and Millie ran along behind him.
“Sir,” Moxxie puffed, “I don’t think I understand your concern. What is it that’s going to happen?”
“Sex between one of us and one of them is an abomination,” Blitzo explained as he ran. “Basically an all-caps FUCK YOU to the entire universe.”
“Huh,” Millie replied, running alongside Moxxie. “That sounds kinda entertainin’.”
“Oh, it is,” Blitzo said, “but in the worst way possible. And like most entertainment that people hate, it infects everybody around it, like a bad commercial jingle that gets stuck in your head.”
Moxxie panted, “Now that you mention bad commercial jingles, sir, may I say-”
“Shut the fuck up, Moxxie. My point is, everyone who’s anywhere near this thing is gonna lose their shit when- Oh, no, it’s starting.”
All three imps stopped in their tracks, right in front of the house’s big glass main doors. Moxxie and Millie looked around, sniffing the air.
“What IS that?” Millie said, her pupils dilating.
“It smells…delightful,” Moxxie added, then inhaled deeply.
Blitzo pointed toward the door and shouted, “Hey!”
Through the glass door, Blitzo had just spied the magnificent figure of Sylvia Slattery. Dressed in a V-neck T-shirt and cutoff jeans shorts, she was throwing a roller bag into the passenger’s seat of a little blue convertible that was parked in the gravel driveway out front. Then she opened the door and got into the driver’s seat.
But that wasn’t all. Guarding Sylvia’s back were two cherubs whom Blitzo recognized immediately, even without their halos. The baby-like Cletus and the sheep-like Keenie both saw Blitzo through the glass doors and pointed crossbows at him.
“What’re they doin’ here?” Millie exclaimed.
“Maybe trying to get their old jobs back?” Moxxie guessed.
Breathing in the scent as he ran, Blitzo felt his capacity for rational thought slipping away. But he still had enough wherewithal to burst out through the glass door and run at Sylvia, and then to dodge when the two cherubs fired their heart-shaped crossbow bolts at him.
As humans were apt to do, Sylvia seemed to panic at the site of a horned, red-skinned demon coming at her. She slammed the car door shut and fumbled wildly in her purse for the keys.
Had Blitzo had his wits about him, he would have pulled his flintlock pistol out of his pants and given the dashboard of Sylvia’s car a decorative coating of human brains. But his explosive exit from the house had left the door propped wide open, and now that sickly sweet yet spicy aroma was pouring out of the house and billowing into the driveway in a pale-pink cloud.
So instead of reaching for his weapon, Blitzo leaped onto the hood of the car, his clawed hands clinging to the top of the windshield as his wild eyes focused on Sylvia. She screamed and dropped her keys in her lap.
“Damn,” Blitzo said raggedly, looking at the movie star’s lovely face and then down the significant cleavage under her V-neck tee, “you are one hot human hussy, you know that?”
Not having made it past junior high before her mother threw her head-first into the acting world, Sylvia didn’t know what the word “hussy” meant. But given the way this creature had said it, she inferred that it was something sexual. And that was just fine with her, because she was suddenly feeling rather sexual herself, and getting more so by the second.
So instead of cowering in the driver’s seat, she found herself reaching up and running her hand up the red-skinned creature’s right cheek and then his right horn.
“I thought ‘horny’ was just an expression,” she said with a giggle.
Blitzo dove over the top of the windshield and into the car with Sylvia, and then they were making out like hormone-crazed teenagers at an abandoned drive-in. Cletus and Keenie hovered overhead, staring down at them with the eyes of the hypnotized.
Inside the house, Moxxie and Millie were alternately kissing madly, tearing off each other’s clothes, and dragging each other toward the sofa in a small sunroom just to the left of the entrance. The moment they reached the couch, Millie pushed Moxxie down onto it and ripped off his tighty-whities. His red cock—fully and proudly erect—sprang forth.
“There’s mah boy!” Millie shouted.
Moxxie grabbed his cock and held it upright. With incredible agility, Millie leaped into the air and landed on his lap to impale herself on her husband’s member. Then she began to bounce energetically on top of him.
“Ride ‘em, cowgirl!” Moxxie shouted.
***
Up in the guest room, Loona was crying out “Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!” and Collin was grunting in time with her as they fucked at full speed. Loona felt that massive equine cockhead slam into her deepest place on every thrust, and nothing in her life had ever felt so good as that brutal pounding of her pussy.
In a voice that had somehow gone from tenor to bass, Collin grunted, “Gonna…cum…soon…”
“Not…yet…you…fucker,” Loona gasped in reply. “Not…yet!”
***
Outside, Blitzo and Sylvia had stripped naked and were now sixty-nining with great élan on the hood of Sylvia’s convertible. Sylvia was on top, and Blitzo fondled her big, hanging tits as he deep-probed her pussy with his long, pointed tongue. Sylvia bobbed her head on Blitzo’s thick red cock like a porn star, streaking the imp’s member with pale-pink lip gloss.
Watching this scene was proving too much for the hovering cherubs. Galvanized into action, Keenie landed on a nearby tree branch on all fours, reached back, and pulled up her pink-and-yellow dress, showing Cletus her little wool-tufted pussy. Cletus literally flew at her and rammed into her from behind, and then the two of them were fucking like mad up in the tree.
But it wasn’t just them: The unnatural scent was affecting every living thing in the vicinity. White-tailed deer were rutting in the woods, squirrels were humping away in the trees, and birds fell in pairs from the sky as they tried to fuck in mid-flight. A woman from the mansion across the way who had been walking her prize mastiff was now lying on the sidewalk in her purple tracksuit as she gave the panting, drooling dog a vigorous blowjob.
Inside, Millie’s little red titties were bouncing merrily as the imp rode Moxxie’s cock at a gallop. Moxxie looked up at her with breathless adoration as his hands gripped her sweet little ass and helped her fuck him as hard as she could.
But that wasn’t hard enough, for either of them. So Moxxie seized Millie by the hips and rolled them both over on the sofa until he was on top of her. Then he started pumping her at maximum speed, and Millie thrust her hips up to meet him just as hard and fast, both of them panting and grunting and sweating like mad.
***
“Yes!” Loona screamed as Collin’s mega-cock pounded her with inhuman force. “Fuck me! Fuck me!”
Grunting, Collin answered, “I…can’t…I…have…to…AAAAAAAAAH!”
Whinnying like a stallion, Collin fired a gigantic load of cum deep into Loona’s pussy. It was so hot that it felt to Loona like it was scalding her inside, burning her with intense pleasure
“RrrrrhhhaaaaaAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Loona howled, her back flexing powerfully and her claws digging so deep into the carpet that they punched through and scarred the wood floor beneath.
***
Blitzo and Sylvia were now fucking like rabid dogs on the hood of the convertible. Blitzo was usually one to talk during sex—something Stolas always seemed to enjoy—but right now he could do no more than grunt bestially while he plowed Sylvia’s hot human pussy from behind. Sylvia was only a little more capable of speech than Blitzo, grunting, “Fuck…yes…fuck me…” as the imp rammed her again and again.
Cletus and Keenie might have been angels, but they were fucking just as savagely up in the tree as Blitzo and Sylvia were on the car hood. Although the two cherubs were considerably more vocal.
“Oh…yes…” Cletus gasped. “Fuckin’…your li’l…sheep-pussy…feels…so good…”
“Yes,” Keenie replied in an uncharacteristic growl. “Fuck my…farm-animal cunt…you hick-baby…Shove that…underage cock…up me…”
Inside, Moxxie and Millie were fucking as fast and hard as they possibly could, both of them panting like sprinters.
“Moxxie,” Millie gasped, “I’m gonna…go off…any…second…”
“Yeah,” Moxxie grunted, “I…am…TOO!”
He rammed into Millie and came, and then Millie screamed bloody murder and flailed wildly beneath Moxxie as she came along with him.
***
Loona was experiencing the ultimate afterglow. Collin had returned to his usual form, and now Loona lay on the floor with him, her head pillowed on his side. His wool was soft against her face. The only thing that made the scene less than utterly tranquil were the sounds of various people and animals fucking inside and outside the house.
“Soooooo,” Loona said dreamily, “sounds like we caused an orgyyyyyy…”
“Well, to be perfectly honest,” Collin replied, “that was…on purpose.”
Loona raised her head just slightly and replied, “Nooooo waaaaay…”
“We knew you were coming here to murder that innocent woman, and even though sex between an angel and a demon is an abomination, it did seem like the perfect way to distract you and your evil coworkers to save her life. And, perhaps, get us back into Heaven.”
“Youuuuuuu bastard,” Loona said with a goofy grin. Then she made a pouty little frown and poked Collin in the side with her finger. “Gotta wonder, though…What’re the big bosses up there past the Pearlies gonna thinka your methods?”
Collin blinked. He and his fellow fallen cherubs hadn’t thought about that.
“Well, um, I’m sure that in this case, the, the ends justify…oooh…oh, dear…”
***
Sylvia screamed as she came, and then Blitzo hollered and shot what felt like a gallon of cum up her human twat.
“Oh yeah,” he panted when he finished, “that was some fuckin’ good-”
Suddenly, a shot rang out. Sylvia’s head jerked to the side, and blood and other substances sprayed out of the brand-new exit wound in the side of her head. Blitzo practically jumped out of his red-and-white skin before whipping his head around to find the shooter.
There on the mansion’s front steps stood Moxxie, looking down the sights of his M16. Millie was standing close behind him, with one hand on his shoulder and the other on his chest, her face a portrait of horny triumph. When Moxxie saw Blitzo, he lowered the weapon, smiling broadly.
“Jesus fuck, Moxxie!” Blitzo hollered, awkwardly leaping backward on his knees. “Couldn’t you wait ‘til I pulled out?”
“Sorry, sir,” Moxxie replied suavely, then blew the smoke from his rifle’s barrel. “I had a shot, and I took it.”
“Ooooh, Moxxie!” Millie exclaimed. “You know a good headshot makes me horny.”
Moxxie reached back to put his arm around her. “Well, since it looks like we’re all finished here, I suppose we could go home for a little ‘target practice.’” Millie giggled.
“Yeah,” Blitzo said, pushing Sylvia’s dead body off the hood of the car and letting it fall to the ground. “I’ve had enough of this shithole dimension for one day. Now where the hell’s my daughter?”
As if on cue, Loona came stumbling out through the glass double doors. Her clothes were barely more than rags, and she walked like a saddle-sore cowgirl with a quart of tequila in her.
“Heyyyyyy, all you fuckerrrrrs,” she said, and Moxxie couldn’t remember her ever sounding half so affable. “How’s it hangin’? We make the target go bye-bye?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Blitzo said rapidly, yanking the grimoire out from inside his jacket. “Gun go bang, bitch go dead, Daddy go flaccid in one fucking second. Now let’s GTFO.”
“My pussy feels fuckin’ amaaaaaazing,” Loona said.
“Daddy’s happy for you, sweetie,” Blitzo replied, giving Loona an awkward pat on the head. Then he flipped open the grimoire and created a portal, and they all jumped through.
Collin came outside to find the flushed, sweaty, exhausted Cletus and Keenie hanging limply over a tree branch. The expression on Collin’s face went from puzzled to dismayed when he noticed Sylvia’s dead body.
“It appears we were…unsuccessful,” Collin said.
With a sigh, Cletus replied, “Looks like I performed twenty minutes of cunnilingus on that damned soul for nuthin’.”
“Well, at least we didn’t kill this human ourselves,” Collin said. “That’s a step up, isn’t it?”
Keenie gave him a weary glare. “Shut up, Collin.”
***
The I.M.P. team arrived back in the office hallway and heard someone shouting in the conference room. They opened the door and found Eloise Rivulette there, hollering at Sylvia Slattery. Sylvia looked no less hot as a damned soul than she had as a human, and now, her hourglass figure was clad in a tight miniskirt and an even tighter belly shirt, neither of which left terribly much to the imagination.
Moxxie entered the conference room with the others. At the start of their mission, Moxxie hadn’t been exactly sure why Eloise wanted revenge on Sylvia, and he was even less sure now. Sylvia obviously wasn’t rich and famous; whatever opportunity she had cheated Eloise out of must not have been much of an opportunity.
“Admit it!” Eloise was shouting. “You got that part by fucking the director!”
“Well sure I did,” Sylvia replied blithely. “But I wasn’t sure which director you’re supposed to fuck, so I fucked the casting director, the director-director, the art director, the director of photography, and the key grip, but that last one was just because he was hot. And after all that, when they gave me the part and then I found out what a shitty contract my agent got me, I fucked her husband, too.”
“Miss Sylvia,” Millie said, “I think you’re gonna fit right in here in Hell.”
Ignoring Millie, Eloise snarled, “I knew it! You used that hot body to rob me of a role that was rightfully mine!”
Her eyes seemed to lock onto Sylvia’s shapely torso as she repeated, “That hot, hot body…”
Suddenly, Eloise leaped at Sylvia and tackled her onto the surface of the conference table. Moxxie momentarily feared that he might have to help break up a vicious cat fight, but then he saw that Eloise and Sylvia were tongue-fucking each other’s mouths like crazy. Millie took his arm.
“How ‘bout we go home and try that in the dinin’ room?” she said.
“Sounds perfect,” Moxxie replied, and they left.
“Uh, Loona,” Blitzo said, his eyes glued to the scene on the conference table, “print us up an invoice, will ya?”
“Invooooice,” Loona repeated with a drunken chuckle. Then she mumbled, “Bathroom first. Gonna be an awesome piss,” and ambled out of the room.
- - -
Many thanks to Jomahawk for beta reading!
If you are kind enough to review this story, I will respond to your review here: http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/topic/65986-george-glass-fanfic-review-response-thread/

Author’s notes:
This story may be lowbrow as anything, but part of the inspiration came from a highbrow source: the Unicorn Tapestries, which can be seen at The Cloisters in New York City. In the tapestries, the unicorn has the body of a horse but has cloven hooves like a goat. And since unicorns are widely considered to be benevolent (doing things like purifying water to make it drinkable, as one of the tapestries shows), a unicorn seemed like a perfect thing for a goat-cherub to be able to turn into.
I had never before written dialogue for characters who use profanity as liberally as Blitzo and Loona do. It was a blast. :)
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