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Celestia's Star Son Was Shooting... In Her!	By : toddhoward314 Category: +M through R > My Little Pony Views: 3701 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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``Another night, another migraine.''
With a sigh, Princess Luna slammed the doors to her room shut behind her. Now lacking a care in the world since no prying eyes were upon her then, she scratched the itch that had stalked onto her buttocks halfway through tonight's court and rendered her time there an absolute pain in the, well, ass. Or rather, an even bigger one that usual.
Simply put, Luna had hated this night's court. She hated night court in general to be sure. Was absolutely loathe of it. During her millennial banishment to the barren moonscape that was her namesake, she had fantasized long and wondrous dreams about reclaiming all of the power and authority her turn to the darkside had stripped her of, some of them even without throwing Celestia into tartarus and co-ruling with her as she did so long ago and now even considering the effect her Nightmare form had on her. But presently? After her return and being purged of the malignant malevolence that had stained her very soul for so long? After the goings on of this particular night that were so bad she had elected to retire to her quarters at the stroke of midnight, a full five hours earlier than was typical? A long sabbatical back to the sea of tranquility eked ever closer to the tippy top of her itinerary.
Perhaps it was her advanced years and her everpresent pining and nostalgia for ye olden times, but back in her day, she could never recall too many of the ponies that came to beseech her in court being A) So desperate and pleading and melodramatic about their woes they wished rectified by the crown and B) So... so... petty and frivolous! Seriously! Luna knew she'd probably sound like an old, batty codger if she ever voiced these concerns to anyone, and while that would be fitting given the hand and hoof she had in the genesis of the batponies, even the most miserable, most lowly of peasants back in her day had never asked her to send in royal guard troops to hang and execute a stallion and his entire family, burn their house and all other of their worldly possessions down, and crucify their gold fish's privates... all for the simple supposed crime of mowing the lawn late at night. No peasant back during the prime of her reign would ever DARE ask something so abusive and wanton of her authority, and certainly not while she sat squirming from a bitch of an itch on her left ass cheek! And it had been a noble that had asked something so heinous this night of her! To another noble!
The nerve!
The cheek!
The audacity!
The aching in her teeth left via clenching them so hard in anger and the yearning to just scratch her gluteus maximus as maximally as she could!
She was a princess, and this not one quick to or that often sullied her hands by way of fisticuffs, particularly since being a super magic telekinetic was OP as shit and thus she often let her horn do all the talking for her, but that haymaker she had delivered to that craven beast prancing around as nobility had felt good indeed. Truly, the only bit of significant, relaxing pleasure she had or would receive tonight.
Well, maybe not the only bit.
There was, after all, a steaming mug of her favorite coffee blend to consider.
Other ponies, namely her sister, might have considered it a might strange that coffee of all things calmed her down enough to be a sleep aid when it tended to the opposite to its imbibers by its very nature, but Luna supposed she had always been wired a little differently than most. The stimulating caffeine in the drink helped her focus to narrow away from what vexed her and onto what soothed her. Her luminous luna and sparkling stellae against the tenebral tapestry of her marvelous night. The crickets playing their lulling concierto of chipping as though all of equestria was their audience and in dire need of their delicious white noise to fall aslumber. The fact that she could sleep drooling like a dog for twelve hours straight now without anypony bothering her and scratch her derriere like it would reveal the magic ponyball lottery numbers like there was no tomorrow without any of the tabloids making up stories about her!
``Oh yes...'' she shivered in satisfaction, having finally terminated the existence of that wretched itch once and for all so thoroughly not even its soul remained to be possibly resurrected into a body to take up arms against her once more.
As she walked towards her own personal pantry, she took heart that however rough her night had been up till that point, short as her time performing her appointed duties was, the trajectory could only point upwards with no more sudden dips or outright nadirs left to go.
And then she opened the pantry and found that her special blend of coffee wasn't there.
``The flying buck!?''
After her initial flight into apoplectic outrage, Luna got hold of and scolded herself for her outburst. After all, a princess, even in private, even on the privy, wasn't allowed to stain their lips by spewing forth curses since it was no bodily annoyance or reaction and was something considered to be well within the control of anypony, not just royalty. Besides, maybe her unique cafe magnifique wasn't missing at all and she had merely misplaced it in her old age and would find it certainly if she merely took a breath and stilled herself.
But even after doing that, she still couldn't find it. Even after doing it again, she still couldn't find it. And again. And again. And again. And again. And Again. And again. And again. And--
``Where the BUCK is it!?'' Luna yelled, now lying in a puddle of the assorted food and foodstuffs and drink she kept there. Except, of course, that stupendous coffee blend.
As she grabbed onto her head and pulled at her mane, Luna screamed, writhing in a temper tantrum as a filly much the younger would.
``It was chocolate milk flavored! CHOCOLATE! MILK! I never had the good shit like that! Never!''
Indeed, prior to her return to modern equestria, she never had. Back in her day, coffee was just first coming onto the scene as Celestia had told her kids these days were fond of saying, and whilst it could taste good whilst doused with sufficient sweetcream and sugar to give Pinkie Pie a heart attack from the type-two diabetes, to a younger Luna, it tasted like dung. Dragon dung. Don't ask her how she knew how that tasted like, but it did, even to this day. Hence why her relationship with coffee was always, fittingly enough, bittersweet until the day her miraculous, special chocolate milk flavored blend strode into her life. From that red letter day onwards, she loved coffee. She breathed coffee. She needed coffee in her life to get through the simple act of being her always and forever, even after she died! No till death do us part bullshit for her where coffee was concerned!
``Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,'' Luna muttered to herself en repititio, arms crossing over her knees as she shook back and forth and side to side on the marble tile like a drug addled druggie fixing for a fix.
Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, dru--
``Ahhhhh!'' she yelled, a powerful flap of her wings bringing her back to her hooves. ``Think, Luna! Think, think, think! Moping around and sulking and screaming shall avail you naught well! Not now!''
She started a pace, stomping bouncily betwixt the foot of her bed and the doors like some navy blue, mare shaped ping-pong ball.
``What fate could have possibly befallen my dearly beloved!?'' she questioned aloud. ``Where could it possibly have skedaddled off to!? Why am I skipping as I pace!? Why am I asking myself all these questions as though I know when the whole point is that I know not!? Uhhhh!''
With one final bounce, Luna land[er]ed front first onto her bed, face first onto a pillow and shrieked into it for a solid six seconds straight. But then abruptly, her head came up, eyes puffy from crying but also wide from epiphany.
``Celestial! Eureka! That's it! She must know!'' Her look darkened. Quieter, conspiratorially so, she said, ``Oh ho ho ho ho ho does she know. I'll bet bottom bit, my own stock in the kingdom that she knows very well where my blend is, because she stole it from me! Stole. My. Coffee. From. ME!''
Somewhere in her chemically dependent mind, Luna second guessed herself and attempted to rationalize what motive her sister would have in stealing her special coffee blend. She did not take long, however, before memories of the many pranks Celestia had pulled on her in her younger years all the way up to her turn to the darkside came flooding back to her mind like a tsunami of sewer water most shitty. Nevermind the fact that Celestia's pranks were always far more ambitious in scope and far less petty and mundane as simply snatching consumables from her. Nevermind that Celestia had sworn an oath not to prank her since her return and had kept to it most admirably for over fifteen years at that point. Celestia had all of a sudden decided to cut her covenant in twine out of the blue in a rather lackluster and unentertaining manner and that was that! That was Luna's story and she was sticking to it!
After another good REEing session, Luna swore eternal vengeance upon her sister and her seed and that she would get Even Stevens with her by a prank of her own if it was the last thing she did!
After heading to Celestia's room and preparing herself to grovel at her hooves if need be to get her special blend back so she could actually hatch a sufficiently hairbrained scheme in the first place, but still, vengeance would be hers!
And she'd get her special blend of coffee back no matter what or who attempted to try and tie her down on the way!
...
...
Narrator: That's called foreshadowing.
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After closing the doors to her room hard enough to rattle the entirety of her own personal wing of the castle, and give every guard there a heart attack of the like much older and less healthy stallions suffered, Luna stormed off out of that section of the palace towards that of her sister, each scornful step actualizing a localized earthquake Canterlot seismologists measured a good 4.0 on the Ritter Scale, or equivalent to some 6 tons of tnt going off at ground level for all you nerds out there.
Considering this, it came as no surprise to Luna that when she rounded the corner to the entry hallway that lead into Celestia's wing, the cadre of guards assigned to protect that area had taken a phalanx formation, all spears drawn and pointing towards her, half their faces grim with resolve to fight the giant monster they had thought had entered the palace grounds with dark designs on their monarch and the other half looking they were just shy of shitting their battleskirts.
When it finally clicked in their adrenaline and testosterone soaked brains that it was just her, their stances slackened, some even sighing and giving audible prayers in relief, which was good news for Luna.
There'd be less blood for the maids to clean up.
``Captain,'' Luna said to the ranking officer present, ``Forgive the startling nature of my approach, but I would have words with my sister. Very choice and important ones at that. So if you and your men would kindly step aside, I would be most--''
``Forgive me, Princess Luna,'' the Captain said, bowing his head in reverent deference, ``but we cannot oblige.''
``What?'' Luna asked curtly as she did darkly. ``Whyever not!?''
``It is friday, your highness. Princess Celestia is having her weekly tutoring session with Prince Shooting Star and has asked us to make sure nopony enters into her personal wing. Including yourself.'' The Captain had the good sense to at least nod his head politely at her. ``I am sorry.''
Were this any other night, Luna might have dallied a little longer in wonderment, trying puzzle out why on earth a mere tutoring session between Celestia and her son would warrant her locking down her entire wing and not just her room with even the guards typically guarding her room present here with all the other guards typically guarding the exterior of the wing. Such speculation ceased, however, when she settled on the strong possibility that this tutoring session might well have been the primary motivation for Celestia stealing her special brew, pranking being a mere, if delectable, bonus. Normally, this might have abated her anger somewhat, as anything to benefit her nephew's education was paramount and understandable, but this time it only served to take her from zero to rip-roaring pissed even faster. She could have at least asked before taking her shit to keep the two of them awake as they worked well into the night! Her good shit at that!
``No. You are not,'' Luna replied to the Captain, looking like she was fixin' to pimp slap the shit out of him. ``But if you insist on keeping my sister from hearing the very important news I bring, you will be.''
As the menace in her words hung in the air, most of the assembled cadre all got wobbly knee'd and started quaking in their bronzen boots. Only the Captain managed to both stand and weather Luna's withering glare admirably.
``Order are orders, princess. Take it up with your sister when she's done. Again, I'm sorry.''
Even more annoyed as his obstinance rendered her, Luna had to admit that the new captain Celestia had chosen for her half of the royal guard had quite the backbone and stiff upper lip to resist her as he was doing. Shining Armor, for the brief time she had caught him going about his duties after his return before he had been wedded off to Princess Cadance and the guy promoted to his place afterwards never had such intestinal fortitude whenever Luna demanded an audience with her sister. Granted, Luna was still not all there so to speak and adjusting to modernity for the longest time, but still. All she had to do was ask, sadly, normally, angrily, it didn't matter, and Shining and the other guy were like putty in her hands. Why, in the case of Shining Armor, she sometimes liked to joke that if he ordered him to bed her, he'd say How often? rather than reject such a hypothetical advance!
But this new captain was different. When ordered to dig his heels in by Celestia, he wouldn't pull his hooves out of the dirt unless ordered otherwise no matter the vastness of the oncoming host arrayed against him.
In virtually any other context, most of them anyways, Luna would have found this loyalty and commitment to duty a stupendous quality to have.
Such as things were, she was mad he had forced her to resort to the rank pulling game. ``Flash Sentry, I am not sure if you are aware of the significant political shifts and going on in Equestria in the past fifteen years, but in that time I, Princess Luna have been reinstated as Co-Regent of the country. As in, Celestia and I share executive power and authority over ALL subjects of the crown.''
``So I take it then that you're ordering me to step aside? Captain Flash Sentry asked.
``Well, I am certainly not ordering you to finally stop pussyhoofing around and propose to Princess Sparkle like a real man,'' Luna said, arms crossing over her bosom, venom dripping down her teeth. Proverbially of course. Her Nightmare form had long since passed, remember.
``Well good, because I wouldn't want to anyways!''
``Well good! I shall be sure to tell her!''
``Good! And while you're at it, tell her she's ugly and I never want to see her stupid face again because Last Hearth's Warming with her folks was mad boring!''
``Good! Shall do!'' Luna pulled forth the tape-recorder she had been carrying betwixt her cleavage and held it up high for all to see. ``Or better yet, mayhaps you would prefer to tell her yourself, good captain?''
She thumbed the play button, repeating every horrible thing she had goaded him into saying about Twilight even though the object of his ire was truly Luna herself, savoring every moment of his face going pale in abject horror with a cheshire grin.
``The miracles of technologica modernica, my good captain,'' Luna said with all the smugness she could conjure.
His ears pressing flat against his head making him look like a pathic, whipped puppy, a pussy whipped one, Flash Sentry said, barely above a whisper, ``Please don't tell her that.''
``Permit my passing, and I shall seriously consider it.''
``If Twi catches wind of this, even if I explain to her that it was a hundred percent taken out of context by you, I'll never hear the end of it!''
``Permit my passing,'' Luna calmly repeated, hand pressed against her hips, ``and I shall seriously consider it.''
As much flak as she gave and was giving him, Luna was most inenvious of the precarious position she had pushed him to. Loyalty to royalty supreme that had given him his office and posting and trusted him dearly or loyalty to the royalty he'd been dating for over a decade because he was afraid of the commitment that came with taking things to the next level? Trapped betwixt rock and hard place. The ultimate no win dilemma.
But coffee that good to Luna demanded extreme sacrifice and inconvenience, especially to those around her. Exclusively, even if she could arrange. And if that meant resorting to blackmail and potentially ruining her dear friend Twilight Sparkle's marriage prospects, well tough shit. If Flash Sentry liked it, he should have put a ring on it already.
``Fine,'' Flash Sentry finally acquiesced in annoyance. ``Just... just promise me you'll keep your end of the bargain, Co-Regent Princess Luna.''
Buck yes! Success!
Coughing into her first to hide how elated she was at this development, Luna put the tape recorder back in her cleavage and strutted towards the doors, the guards parting out of her way. She opened them, and before entering Celestia's wing, turned back to Flash Sentry and said, ``As I said, I shall seriously consider it.''
She walked in, and with a gentle application of her magic, the doors to Celestia's wing closed quietly behind her.
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With a gentle application of her magic, the doors to Celestia's room opened silently before her. Or rather, the first set of doors. Much like with Luna's own room or that of Prince Shooting Star, the room had two sets of doors. Beyond the first, where Luna was no, was a little lounge of sorts with a plush pench on either side that were super useful for last minute adjustments to one's foot-wear without having to walk back into the room to make them comfortably. Beyond that were the doors that lead into the room proper.
On the stoll over through the wing, Luna had been wondering if she should try sneaking into Celestia's room proper to get her special blend back from under her big, sundrenched nose when voila! There it was! That familiar, wondrous, cheap plastic container labeled: Foalger's Cocomoo Coffee Blend! Leaning against the wall to her left like some hunky stallion that had been waiting patiently and sexily for her.
Luna was, pardon the wholly intentional and unashamed pun, over the moon!
Faster than Rainbow Dash and all the other Wonderbolts combined via multiplication instead of simple arithmetic, Luna jumped on the coffee can, picked it up, and pressed it against one side of her face, rubbing her cheek against it as though it were some long lost and phenomenal lover. She neighed, brayed, oinked, mooed, and even barked, strangely enough, her sheer pleasure and satisfaction.
``Oh, how mother missed you, my sweet,'' Luna cooed before kissing the running her tongue over the coffee can as though it were made of what lay inside.
Luna collapsed onto one of the soft benched, already feeling so relaxingly drowsy just from the mere presence of her special blend. After all she'd been through at court and the shock and disappointment of not having it readily on hand to take away the pain and make it all better, now that it was within her grasp, Luna felt like she could fall asleep right then and there her mind was clear of its accumulated dross.
And she would have too. If such clarity had not also reminded her of and given her back the will for revenge. The ginormous grainery wheels of Luna's mind began to grind. Possible payback machinations started to flitter forth across the eyes of her imagination. She was right there, she said to herself, a mere two doors distant from Celestia's room. Celestia herself was tutoring her beloved little boy who, while scholastically tenacious, had always had trouble in certain subjects that only worsened with time the more advanced the material got, leading many in the ponyrazzi to conclude he was all bulk and no brains and setting a high price for photographic or otherwise ironclad proof of this ludicrous assertion. Luna still held the tape recorder within her bosom. Luna knew how to edit whatever it was her tape-recorder recorded. Her magical magical signature was one of the only three in Equestria that could open the doors to Celestia's innermost sanctum. And, being Equestria's official spymaster, Luna was more than adroit enough at planting bugs.
It took her less than ten seconds flat to figure out her plan of attack. Five to convince herself that the terrible betrayal of sororal trust she was about to commit was totally, one hundred percent right, okay, and justified. Three to open the doors as covertly as she cared with her magic while maintaining her grip on her coffee with her hands. One to slip her head inside to ensure the coast was clear.
And a half second for her jaw to drop along with her special blend and for her gaze to go wide as the sights and sounds that greeted her in Celestia's room stole her breath away.
In more manners than one.
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Celestia's Star Son Was Shooting... In Her!