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Satina Wants More Ice Cream	By : xandermartin98 Category: -Misc Cartoons > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 1271 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: AFF Disclaimer I do not own Hannah Daigle's Satina series. Nor do I make profit from it

Chapter List
- 1-Chapter 1 (The Only Chapter)
- 1
SATINA WANTS MORE ICE CREAM
by XanderMartin98
Sigh...another morning in the majorly run-down Ratteshite Suites apartment in which Dave lived, another hilariously massive load of trouble for his downright-cloyingly adorable little demon daughter (Satina) to inadvertently(?) get him into using her demon powers...and, of course, another painfully long-feeling 9AM-5PM "desk job" shift for Dave to very-unfortunately have to work his way through at the nearest Generic Technology building.
"Well, at least things hopefully can't get any worse, I suppose…" Dave very fate-temptingly sighed as he finally finished his showering and tooth-brushing duties and then completely-nakedly walked back into his bedroom so that he could re-dress himself and (then) put on his signature "work shirt".
"Hey, DADDY!" the also-completely-naked Satina suddenly jumped out from underneath Dave's bed and (then) loudly squeaked with excitement while Dave was busy putting on his underwear, causing Dave to jump an almost-comically large height into the air and scream like an actual little girl in response.
"Oh, for CRYING out loud, WHAT? Shouldn't you be in Hell with your mother right now?" Dave forcefully face-palmed himself using his right hand and exasperatedly groaned, covering his crotch with his left hand so that she wouldn't just absent-mindedly stare at said crotch instead of actually listening to him as he did so.
"Well, I, uh, simply couldn't wait to see you again, so I repeatedly begged Mom to let me do so, and surely enough, she eventually told me YES!" Satina crossed her legs, crossed her arms behind her back, ever-so-slightly hung her head in embarrassment, and rather nervously explained to Dave.
"Well, as much as I hate having to tell you this, 'Daddy' has more office work to do today and absolutely can NOT afford to have you interfering with said work again, so PLEASE just teleport yourself back to Hell and hang out with your mom until I get back from my work place, alright?" Dave annoyedly explained to Satina as he rather-hastily re-dressed himself and (then) put on his work shirt.
"Aww...but I wanted to eat more ICE cream with you, Daddy…" Satina very-brattishly whined and cried, "depressedly" leaning forward and quivering-lippedly staring straight at Dave with only THE most absolutely humongous and downright-laughably crocodile-tear-filled of "puppy dog" eyes that she was physically capable of as she did so.
"NOPE; sorry, but that lame-ass trick of yours is NOT going to freaking work on me anymore!" Dave performed a rather forceful "back off" gesture with his hands and increasingly-frustratedly explained to Satina, exasperatedly rolling his eyes as he did so.
"What'll happen if I perform it AGAIN, though?" Satina absolutely-pathetically whimpered and sobbed, getting down onto her knees and (then) placing her hands together in an extremely ironic "prayer" gesture while producing even more absurdly-blatantly fake tears from her "puppy dog" eyes as she did so.
"Exactly what I just said, Satina; NOTHING! Now PLEASE just go back home and stop freaking BOTHERING me already, for CHRIST'S sake!" Dave threw his arms out beside himself and downright-infuriatedly yelled at Satina, causing her to suddenly spring back up onto her feet and terrifiedly flinch in response.
"I will when YOU let me have more god-damned ICE CREAM!" Satina rebelliously clenched her fists and then extremely-furiously and increasingly-demonically yelled back at Dave, violently shaking with rage and quite-nearly setting Dave's apartment on fire as a result of said rage as she did so.
"GOD DAMN IT, SATINA; HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS!? NO MEANS NO!" Dave frantically jumped up and down like a little kid and rather-petulantly screamed at Satina, who suddenly began (pardon the pun) utterly-devilishly grinning from ear to ear in response.
"Looks like I'm going to have to make you re-THINK that statement of yours, Daddy…" Satina rubbed her hands together like a greedy little fly and surprisingly-maliciously cackled as she then proceeded to teleport herself completely out of sight before then suddenly (not to mention microscopic-sizedly) re-appearing in the outer funnel of the blissfully unaware Dave's right ear.
"Hey, hold on; what exactly do you MEAN by that, Satina? And where in the Hell did you go? You'd better not have the ability to magically SHRINK yourself, young lady…" Dave confusedly scratched his head with his right index finger and increasingly-worriedly asked Satina, sincerely hoping that he was indeed talking to no one as he did so.
"Shh...wait for it...WAIT for it…" Satina increasingly-excitedly thought to herself with an also-increasingly mischievous grin on her face as she quickly (but quietly) tip-toed her way through Dave's right ear canal, being extremely careful in the process so that she wouldn't get her (delightfully bare) feet stuck in his earwax and/or alert him to her presence within his right ear by excessively touching his ear hairs.
"Satina, COME on; it's already nearly five minutes past 8:00 AM as we speak! I do NOT have all freaking day to spend dealing with your utterly obnoxious demon shenanigans right now, for the MILLIONTH freaking time!" Dave ever-so-tiredly looked over at his bedside alarm clock and began angrily ranting at (the hopefully already-gone) Satina as said demon girl almost-instantly reached his beautifully pearly and shiny right eardrum, VERY-sadistically grinning as she did so.
"Satina, this SERIOUSLY isn't funny anymore; for the last freaking time, where in the actual Hell ARE you right now?" Dave VERY-frustratedly clutched his head with both of his hands and very-worriedly asked Satina.
"RIGHT HERE!" Satina took a rather impressively deep breath and then VERY-suddenly yelled directly into Dave's right eardrum at the top of her ever-loving lungs, causing said eardrum to majorly crack and (in fact) nearly shatter as a result while the poor guy tightly clutched the right side of his head with both of his hands and blood-curdlingly shrieked in response (not to mention absolute agony).
"AUGGGH! You freaking sadistic little BITCH!" Dave got down onto his knees and furiously (not to mention cryingly) screamed in continuing pain as Satina teleported herself right past his right eardrum and reached his right middle ear (in other words, the OTHER extremely delicate and sensitive parts of his hearing system) as a result.
"YES, I have the ability to shrink and grow myself...while teleporting, no less...and you wanna know what ELSE I am EASILY able to do now that I'm quite literally IN your freaking head?" Satina firmly placed her hands onto her hips and ever-so-smugly explained to the back of Dave's grotesquely wounded and bleeding right eardrum.
"Um...w-what might THAT b-b-be, p-p-p-pardon m-m-my ask-k-k-king?" Dave began audibly shaking with fear and VERY nervously stammered while Satina ever-so-curiously licked some of the blood off of his horrifically damaged right eardrum in order to find out how it tasted (surely enough, it tasted like absolutely DELICIOUS copper).
"WELL...let's just say that if you aren't going to allow me to give myself brain FREEZE, then I definitely will not spend much time hesitating to give you brain DEATH as a QUITE well-deserved punishment for your utterly detestable insolence, you miserable FOOL!" Satina downright-diabolically laughed and jeered at the utterly miserable Dave's expense, with her voice becoming progressively more demonic as she did so.
"Y-you know w-w-WHAT?! I th-think I've g-g-got a better id-d-dea for y-you…" Dave increasingly-horrifiedly stammered as his pupils shrank to a quite nearly microscopic size.
"And what exactly would THAT be, pardon my asking?" Satina shrugged her shoulders and VERY-snidely asked, causing Dave to clench his fists and increasingly-hatefully growl at her in response.
"Why don't YOU watch where you're GOING, ya FREAK?!" Dave surprisingly-not-stammeringly scolded Satina as he then proceeded to quickly tilt his head so that his right ear was facing straight down toward the floor of his bedroom before THEN proceeding to repeatedly pound the left side of his head with his left hand in an incredibly idiotic and desperate attempt to force Satina out of his right ear, with rather-predictably disastrous results.
"OOF! OW! D'OH! OUCH! YUH-HUCK!" Satina loudly yelped in pain as the surprisingly intense vibrations that Dave had just started causing to occur within his head caused her to repeatedly and ever-so-wildly bounce all over the inside of his right middle ear, also causing her to damage his right eardrum even more and even quite nearly break the dainty little bones that connected said eardrum to his right inner ear in the process despite the fact that she was actually being every bit as gentle as was possible (especially with her thankfully "bendable by her emotions" horns...which, due to her rather-immensely surprising carefulness and the fact that her extreme distress had caused them to bend themselves backward so incredibly far, luckily only perforated one of Dave's most important ear parts ONCE rather than doing so probably three or more times).
"OH, DEAR GOD, THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE! HELP ME! MOMMY!" Dave tightly clutched the right side of his head with both of his hands yet again and downright-horrifyingly screeched in agony as the damage that she was clearly causing to Dave's hearing system gave her a quite-frankly massive pair of sadism-induced "horn boners" at one of the absolute worst moments possible and therefore caused her to accidentally(?) poke not one but TWO rather-disturbingly large and bloody holes right through Dave's right eardrum with her horns.
"Just so you know, that could have hurt you a LOT more, but luckily, I watched where I was going, ya FOOL!" Satina ever-so-playfully teased Dave after she had finally finished dislodging her horns from his right eardrum (causing Dave to helplessly and weepingly squirm in pain even MORE in the process, naturally enough) and then using her healing magic to instantly restore his right ear to its normal state with a quite literal snap of her (red right hand's) downright-lethally sharp-nailed fingers.
"Oh, I'LL tell you where to go, you little brat; OUT OF MY GOD-DAMNED HEAD, RIGHT FREAKING NOW!" Dave very-angrily got back up onto his feet and began increasingly-sarcastically explaining to Satina, then suddenly VERY-tightly clutched his head with both of his hands and began wildly shrieking like an absolute lunatic, somehow STILL not attracting any real attention from his fellow third-rate-apartment-dwelling sub-humans in the process (needless to say, residents experiencing utterly horrific mental breakdowns due to how much their lives sucked was a rather common and therefore un-surprising occurrence in the Ratteshite Suites apartments).
"So, you want me to get out of your NOGGIN, eh? Well, go ahead; MAKE me!" Satina incredibly-brattishly teased Dave as she then proceeded to ever-so-conveniently teleport herself straight past his inner ear labyrinth and therefore finally reach the part of his skull in which his comically under-sized brain was housed.
"Satina, I SWEAR TO GOD; if you don't get the HELL out of there within the next TEN FREAKING SECONDS, I'm going to send 'Mommy' a phone call so that I can tell her about how much of a completely spoiled and selfish little MONSTER you're being right now!" Dave quite-literally-steamingly threatened Satina, almost-immediately reaching into the left front pocket of his jeans and then pulling out his smartphone from said pocket so that he could use it to dial Lucia's phone number as he spoke; meanwhile, Satina was already teleporting herself directly INTO his brain as he spoke.
"Sure...go ahead and do so...as long as you don't mind me using these adorably sharp little CLAWS and TEETH of mine to cause all SORTS of damage to this pitifully small brain of yours until even MOMMY'S healing powers will no longer be able to fix it! I sure hope that you enjoy the idea of becoming a quite LITERAL couch potato, you utterly pathetic freaking LOSER!" Satina increasingly-sadistically-and-demonic-soundingly sneered at Dave from within using her brain's telepathic link to his own (roughly-two-thirds-as-large-as-it-was-supposed-to-be) brain, secretly admiring the (quite-literally) shockingly complex network of neuron wires that was surrounding her as she ever-so-smugly and arousingly-bare-footedly strolled her way across the ever-so-delightfully-relaxingly moist, cushiony and pulsating floor of said pitifully small brain of Dave's.
"Y-you know w-w-what? On s-s-second th-th-th-thought, y-you w-w-win...my b-b-b-brain is y-yours now…" Dave extremely-horrifiedly-and-helplessly stammered in response (as long as what he was saying was going into his ears and said ears still worked, Satina could still, by definition, hear him; try not to think too hard about that), hastily shoving his smartphone back into the left front pocket of his jeans and then immediately beginning to rather-childishly bite his fingernails in very-truly abject terror.
"Alright, now let's see here...what could his user name and password POSSIBLY be, I wonder?" Satina incredibly-smugly thought out loud to herself as she far-too-proudly took her seat (in an actual chair, believe it or not) right in front of the rather-surprisingly powerful Central Nervous Super-Computer in Dave's frontal lobe and then immediately began using her mind-reading ability to answer said question for herself.
"Oh, for the LOVE of Lucia, you have GOT to be freaking kidding me…" Satina rolled her eyes and exasperatedly groaned as she rather-regretfully and VERY second-hand-embarrassedly typed "TheDaveAbides" (Dave's BrainTernet user name) and "LUCIA69420" (Dave's BrainTernet password) onto Dave's log-in screen and then immediately hit his brain keyboard's Enter key, almost-as-immediately gaining access to his Control Panel and his memory banks as a result.
"OOO, my; would you just LOOK at all of this lovely, LOVELY Dave X Lucia PORN that you've got stashed away in here? Gee, it sure would be a god-damned SHAME if SOMEBODY named Satina decided to spread said porn all over the Internet and therefore make everyone in the WHOLE wide world know how much of a completely degenerate fucking FREAK you are, WOULDN'T it?" Satina COMPLETELY-shamelessly continued teasing Dave with her mind, with an utterly diabolical ear-to-ear grin rather-predictably adorning her face and showing practically all of her teeth in only THE most downright-instantly recognizable and absolutely least subtle of "I am a villain" fashions as she did so.
"Hey, you'd better get the Hell out of that section of my memory banks RIGHT freaking now! I'm WARNING you, young lady!" Dave angrily shook his left fist and already-downright-humiliatedly warned Satina, who then proceeded to click her way straight into his Control Panel and (then) make him completely unable to move his body (not counting his face, at least) using his Paralysis command.
"Again, MAKE me!" Satina ever-so-childishly taunted the VERY-deeply mortified-looking Dave with her mind as she then proceeded to immediately begin uploading a certain incredibly strange and physically-painfully embarrassing (formerly) private video that Dave's memory banks had given the title "The Sex That Gave Birth To Satina" onto his "personal favorite" social media websites using (a combination of her mind-reading ability and) his accounts on said websites (needless to say, said video went flat-out corona-viral almost-immediately as a result).
"Looks like humanity really IS going to have to freaking QUARANTINE you in order to ensure that it never ends up having another member who is as utterly freaking DEPRAVED as you, doesn't it?" Satina uproariously laughed at the indescribably horrified-looking Dave with her mind as she then proceeded to go straight back into his Control Panel and (then) immediately take absolutely total "manual" control over him with the help of her "demonic possession" ability, thankfully un-paralyzing him (and also gaining the ability to see through his eyes) in the process.
"Alright, now let's see here...what's the most absolutely humiliating thing that I could possibly make Dave...I mean, myself...wear in public?" Dave suddenly began very-awkwardly thinking out loud to himself (in a voice that was considerably more Satina-ish-sounding than his natural one, of course) as he sneakily and smirkingly tip-toed his way back over to his clothing closet, in which he found a Pizza Butt uniform that was VERY-clearly designed to be worn by female employees of said restaurant.
"Ah, yes; HERE we go!" Dave merrily laughed as he rather-hastily stuffed said outfit into his suitcase and then immediately began taking said suitcase out to his car in a rather-suspiciously robotic-looking fashion.
"Now I just need to come up with a good excuse for skipping Dave's...I mean, MY work shift…" Dave rather-rapidly looked back and forth around himself and increasingly-nervously whispered to himself as he quickly got into the driver's seat of his car and then very-hastily threw his suitcase into the back seat of said car so that it wouldn't get in his way.
"Oh, who am I kidding? I AM the excuse!" Dave ever-so-slyly chuckled to himself as he surprisingly-gently reached back into the left front pocket of his jeans and then immediately pulled his smartphone back out from said pocket (again, due to her "mind-reading" ability and Dave's extraordinary talent for remembering passwords and the like, Dave's smartphone having an "unlocking" code was absolutely no problem for Satina; in fact, although she had almost-never actually unlocked Dave's phone before, she had already known said code for QUITE some time).
"I would actually be rather impressed if Dave's...I mean, my boss DIDN'T fall for this, to be honest!" Dave continued ever-so-slyly chuckling to himself as he quickly (but carefully) dialed his boss's (work) phone number and (then) far-too-proudly sent him the most convincing prank call that he had gotten in YEARS.
"(loudly clears throat) Um, b-b-BOSS?!" Dave "horrifiedly" stammered, trying not to sound too much like Satina in the process while his boss predictably remained every bit as adorably oblivious as ever.
"Yes, Sir Slacks-Off-a-Lot?" Dave's boss rather-snarkily asked him.
"Listen, sir; getting ready for work has already been an incredibly unpleasant experience for me on numerous other occasions, but this one especially stands out due to the rather unfortunate fact that I HAVE A FREAKING DEMON IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW, AND I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GET SAID DEMON OUT OF IT! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, THE LITTLE MONSTER HAS ALREADY REACHED MY GOD-DAMNED BRAIN AND IS ABOUT TO TAKE CONTROL OVER MY BODY AS WE SPEAK!" Dave surprisingly-calmly-and-politely began explaining to his boss, then suddenly COMPLETELY lost his mind and began frantically and downright-over-dramatically screaming his head off while his boss just annoyedly shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and muttered "here we go again" to himself in response.
"But do you have any actual PROOF of that, Dave?" Dave's boss snidely chuckled.
"GIVE MY FLESH PUPPET A DAY OFF RIGHT FREAKING NOW, OR ELSE I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM TRANSFORM INTO A FEROCIOUS MAN-EATING HELL BEAST AND THEN IMMEDIATELY MAKE YOU HIS FIRST FREAKING TARGET!" Dave began downright-psychotically and remarkably-bloodshot-eyedly growling and roaring at the top of his lungs in an extremely demonic-sounding voice, audibly shaking with rage as he did so.
"OKAY, o-k-k-kay; y-your 'flesh p-p-puppet' c-can have a d-d-day off! Jes-s-sus CHRIST!" Dave's boss reluctantly and EXTREMELY-frightenedly agreed, rather-embarrassingly wetting his pants as he did so.
"Well, now that THAT'S taken care of, I'd say that it's about time for Daddy...I mean, ME to go to the nearest Tim & Larry's restaurant and get myself some ice cream!" Dave hung up on his boss, shoved his smartphone back into the left front pocket of his jeans and surprisingly-merrily chuckled as he then proceeded to somewhat-worriedly dig into the right front pocket of his jeans and then quickly (not to mention thankfully) pull out his car keys from said pocket.
"Here comes the Dave-Mobile! Vroom, VROOM!" Dave rather-suspiciously-childishly giggled, briefly checking the right front pocket of his jeans for the wallet (of his) that indeed was also in it with his right hand in the process as he used the car keys in his left hand to FINALLY start up his car.
"Wow, so much MONEY!" Dave rather-unusually-naively gasped in amazement as he briefly pulled out his aforementioned wallet from the right front pocket of his jeans and then rather-oddly-fascinatedly opened it up so that he could see how much paper money (roughly 200 dollars, to be exact) was in it (as backup money for times when he didn't need or want to use the credit card that was also in said wallet, of course).
"Sweet, merciful JESUS, this is going to be SO much fun…" Dave rather-creepily whispered to himself in a voice that was beginning to sound increasingly similar to Satina's as he quickly shoved his wallet back into the right front pocket of his jeans and then immediately took off in his car, showing a level of driving skill that was far-too-clearly his hyperactive and utterly insane daughter's rather than his own as he did so.
SEVERAL OTHER CARS NEARLY CRASHING DUE TO SATINA'S DRIVING INEPTITUDE LATER…
"WHEE! That was so much FUN! And I think I even got a high SCORE, too!" Dave increasingly-excitedly squealed with absolutely pure child-like joy as, after ludicrously-sloppily parking his car in the parking lot of Tim & Larry's, he briefly looked at his car's odometer and saw a number that indeed vastly exceeded 9,000 on it.
"My, my; what's THIS?" Dave loudly gasped in (Satina's clearly fake) surprise as he approached the front door of Tim & Larry's and saw what appeared to be some sort of contest poster right on the middle of said door.
"Humiliate yourself as much as you possibly can! The customer that humiliates himself/herself the most at this particular Tim & Larry's this week will win a $1,000 cash prize!" said poster "explained" to Dave (since Satina already knew about said contest and had been deliberately waiting for the last day of said week, which was the day on which this story took place, so that she could be rewarded as quickly as possible for the utterly ridiculous things that she was clearly about to make Dave do in a public restaurant in order to hopefully make him win said contest).
"OH! Silly me! Looks like I need to go and change into my DRESS! Tee hee hee!" Dave very-girlishly-and-lispingly giggled as he immediately ran straight back to his car, opened up the suitcase within it and (then) pulled out his Pizza Butt waitress uniform (which featured a red, white and black "checkerboard" color scheme, incredibly long and three-colored striped socks that were JUST short enough to show how hairy his legs were, an exaggeratedly large "German waitress" dress with comically "short and fat" sleeves and even its very own chest hole for showing off his non-existent breasts, rather-un-naturally large high heels, a dainty little polka-dotted and waist-mounted fanny pack for storing his phone and wallet and whatnot, and everything) from said suitcase so that he could finally change himself into it (and of course, stuff all of the former contents of his jean pockets into its aforementioned fanny pack as he did so).
"Nothing to see here, people; move along!" Dave VERY-awkwardly-and-embarrassedly laughed as he stripped himself completely naked right in the middle of the parking lot, causing nearby kids (including Satina) to blushingly giggle (while nearby adults rather-understandably winced in disgust) in response.
"Ah, yes, FINALLY; for one of THE very first times in my entire life, I feel truly BEAUTIFUL!" Dave weepingly squealed with joy as he finally finished cross-dressing himself and stuffing his regular outfit into his suitcase, then rather-hastily shut all of the doors of his car yet again, thankfully making sure to lock them that time (using the remote that was connected to the car keys that he had just transferred into his fanny pack, of course; needless to say, he immediately shoved said remote and the car keys that were connected to it straight back into his fanny pack once he was done using it).
"What did you freaking think I was going to do, lock his car doors with my MIND?" Satina shrugged her shoulders, turned directly toward her show's audience and ever-so-smugly joked, rather bizarrely causing Dave to do the exact same thing in the process due to her newfound(?) control over him.
"Anyway, first things first, I should probably call Lucia right about now…" Dave walked back over to the front door of Tim & Larry's and then somewhat-regretfully thought out loud to himself as he pulled out his smartphone from his fanny pack and then immediately used it to dial the phone number of said incredibly bitchy (demon) ex-wife of his, desperately struggling to ignore how much the people around him were already laughing at him and calling him "Demon Fucker" as he did so.
"Let me guess; it's Dave again…" Lucia rolled her eyes and ever-so-irritatedly groaned as she grabbed her suddenly very-loudly ringing Hell Phone and was indeed greeted by (what seemed to be) Dave as a result.
"Um...hello? Lucia? You're not busy right now, are you?" Dave rather-nervously asked Lucia, who appeared to be more interested in seductively sitting atop her "Queen of Hell" throne and listlessly checking her fingernails for imperfections than she was in actually listening to him as he did so.
"SIGH...probably not in a way that prevents me from taking a short break or two, I suppose…" Lucia rather-reluctantly admitted, causing the clearly-waiting-to-be-punished "souls of the damned" that were surrounding her and her throne to resoundingly sigh with relief in response.
"Well, then...would you mind, by any chance, if I asked you to please come up into the over-world and dance with me at Tim & Larry's? I've got a day off and absolutely nothing else to do, sweetie..." Dave increasingly-teasingly asked Lucia, trying not to sound too much like Satina as he did so while the fellow humans around him ever-so-hatefully continued mocking him.
"Okay, three things: ONE, I'm a freaking GIANT compared to you…" Lucia exhaustedly face-palmed herself with her left hand (while holding her phone with her right hand) and rather-frustratedly began explaining to Dave...who then immediately and incredibly-rudely cut her off in response.
"Oh, COME on, baby; you KNOW that you can just shrink yourself down to my size…" Dave ever-so-obnoxiously-smugly teased Lucia while Satina desperately struggled to not laugh at what she had just made him say to his ex-wife.
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! I am NOT in the freaking mood to play your utterly STUPID little 'remember that time when we had sex with each other?' game right now, and quite frankly, I probably never WILL be in the mood to do so again! If you don't have anything better to say to me, then you can just fuck RIGHT OFF, mister!" Lucia downright-furiously ranted at Dave, quite literally steaming with anger as she did so (in fact, her blood was probably boiling almost as much as the actual lava that was surrounding her; surprisingly, however, she actually DIDN'T immediately hang up on him after finishing her rant).
"Look, I just want to spend some quality TIME with you, okay? Also, I'm pretty sure that there's some kind of body-invading demon in my brain right now, and that said demon is going to violently tear said brain apart from the inside and even EAT an incredibly large portion of it in the process if you don't agree to dance with me…" Dave shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes, and began awkwardly and rather-exasperatedly explaining to Lucia.
"Said demon wouldn't happen to be SATINA, would it?!" Lucia very-frightenedly asked Dave.
"Oh, no; of COURSE not! In fact, here's a presumably-adorably sweet little pep talk that said daughter of ours apparently would like to give you before heading straight back over to my apartment for some good old online academic training!" Dave ever-so-merrily chuckled as he then proceeded to very-loudly pass his smartphone from his left hand into his right hand and then suddenly begin speaking in literally-exactly Satina's voice, causing the fellow humans that were surrounding him to quite-nearly roll on the ground from how intensely they were laughing at him.
"HI, MOMMY!" Dave downright-hilariously-girlishly-and-high-pitchedly squealed with joy.
"Hi, Satina…what do you want..." Lucia VERY-relievedly sighed.
"I just want you to know that I absolutely LOVE you and Dave more than ANYONE else in the WHOLE wide world, and that I believe that when you two are together, absolutely NOTHING is impossible!" Dave explained to Lucia with literally all of the innocence, naivety and girly-voiced-ness of the "sweet and harmless" little (demon) girl that Satina was.
"You sure can say THAT again…" Lucia rather embarrassedly muttered to herself.
"Anyway, BYE, Mommy! Please don't let Daddy down, okay?" Dave FAR-too-joyfully-and-childishly told Lucia before then proceeding to also-very-loudly pass his smartphone back from his right hand into his left hand and (then) immediately switch his voice back to his own.
"BYE, sweetie!" Lucia exhaustedly but surprisingly-happily sighed with relief, obviously assuming that Satina had prematurely teleported herself away yet again like the ridiculously hyperactive little fool(?) that she quite-frankly was as she did so.
"ANYWAY, returning to the 'three things' subject that I had been talking about earlier until you decided to cut me off like a total freaking DICK…" Lucia very-annoyedly groaned while Dave increasingly-embarrassedly scratched the back of his head with his right hand and went "heh heh" in response.
"...here's what TWO was going to be: considering what you've apparently just posted all over the Internet, do you REALLY want your fellow humans to become even MORE aware of the fact that you are, in fact, such an INCREDIBLY literal demon-mother-fucker?" Lucia very-frustratedly pointed out to Dave.
"Hey, as long as it makes me look like a badass!" Dave ever-so-smugly chuckled.
"UGH…" Lucia rolled her eyes and disgustedly groaned.
"ANYWAY, now that I've been given more time to think about it, here's what I've decided to label as THREE: honestly, why should I even freaking CARE whether you live or die, you utterly obnoxious little SCHLUB?" Lucia incredibly-hatefully asked the hilariously cross-dressed and also-hilariously pea-brained Dave, who then immediately and utterly-defeated-lookingly muttered "touche" to himself in response.
"Well, for starters, if I actually DO, in fact, die from having my entire brain shredded into completely irreparable bits, then there's a damned good chance that even if my body somehow DOES manage to get properly revived rather than simply being zombified by yet ANOTHER one of Satina's god-damned necromancy spells, my SOUL is still probably going to end up being stuck in purgatory for at LEAST an entire MONTH due to how utterly mediocre of a person I am…" Dave suddenly took an incredibly deep breath and then rather-shockingly-intelligently began explaining while Lucia increasingly-confusedly nodded her head and repeatedly went "mmm-hmm" in response.
"Um, pardon me for interrupting your presumably-extremely long and drawn-out speech about how much you wish that I didn't absolutely DESPISE you too much to even want to THINK about the possibility of having to use the utterly LAME plot device that is time travel to rewind a worthless piece of TRASH like you back to life, but what exactly IS your point?" Lucia rubbed her increasingly tired eyes and very-exhaustedly asked Dave, who then proceeded to listlessly mutter "touche" yet again in response.
"My POINT, my dearly beloved ex-wife, is that if I'm not around to take care of Satina, and you really ARE lying through your teeth when you say that time travel is possible, then YOU will probably end up having to put up with her and her quite-frankly utterly demented antics non-stop for AT LEAST the entire month that I just mentioned, as in basically FOUR WEEKS!" Dave increasingly-frustratedly explained to Lucia, concluding his rant by furiously and remarkably-bloodshot-eyedly yelling the words "four weeks" at the top of his ever-loving lungs.
"FOUR WEEKS! FOUR WEEKS! FOUR WEEKS! FOUR WEEKS!" the last two words of Dave's rant suddenly began repeatedly echoing in Lucia's OWN already-mentally-exhausted brain, causing her to tremble more audibly and fearfully and become the subject of a more extreme facial close-up with each individual one of said echoes; needless to say, she was clearly WELL aware of time travel's non-existence in the Satina universe...or she was just very-reluctantly playing along with Dave so that the poor, POOR guy (and, of course, Satina) would FINALLY feel as if she actually cared about him for once in his post-demon-divorce life.
"OKAY, okay, I'll freaking DANCE with you; Jesus CHRIST!" Lucia ever-so-adorably-irritatedly groaned as she then proceeded to very-abruptly hang up on Dave (who then, of course, immediately shoved his smartphone straight back into his fanny pack in response) and then suddenly teleport herself straight up into the over-world, shrinking herself down to a roughly standard (albeit still somewhat-abnormally large) human size in the process (of said teleportation).
"GYAAAH! Dave, what in GOD'S NAME are you wearing right now?!" Lucia cringingly yelled in disgust (despite the fact that she was completely naked herself) as she suddenly appeared right next to Dave out of quite-literally nowhere and saw how utterly feminine of an outfit he was wearing (in public, no less) while his fellow humans briefly froze in fear from seeing the Queen of Hell appear right next to him but then immediately continued laughing at him anyway.
"Oh, DEAR...look, I can explain, darling; I just thought that this outfit looked irresistibly cute and that MAYBE, just maybe, you would enjoy the silliness, not to mention the sexiness, of seeing me in it…" Dave very-nervously-and-embarrassedly began explaining in what was clearly a very-intentionally stereotypically-homosexual-sounding voice, causing Lucia to disgustedly roll her eyes in response.
"Alright, THAT'S it; I have officially heard WAY more than enough! Come on, let's just get this over with already before you literally die from EMBARRASSMENT!" Lucia increasingly-frustratedly scolded Dave as she tightly grabbed his right hand using her own right hand and then quite-forcefully dragged him through the Tim & Jerry's restaurant's front door (which, of course, she also-quite-forcefully swung open with her left hand).
"Greetings, creepy man-lady and...his literal Hell beast of a wife?" the cashier of the rather-surprisingly-authentically 1970s-diner-resembling (not to mention surprisingly clean) ice cream restaurant that Dave and Lucia had just rudely waltzed into rather-frightenedly asked the two of them.
"Actually, I'll have you know that I'm this freaking idiot's EX-wife, thank you very LITTLE!" Lucia VERY-contemptuously sneered at said cashier in response, visibly steaming with anger yet again as she did so.
"ANYWAY, what would the two of you like to order?" the cashier tiredly and depressedly asked them.
"Well, I sure hope that you don't mind hearing this, but food is NOT, in fact, what me and my ex-wife came here for on this particular day; we came here to DANCE!" Dave suavely explained to the cashier, performing several incredibly over-dramatic poses just for extra emphasis as he did so while Lucia and the cashier both exasperatedly face-palmed themselves and went "UGH" in response.
"Uhh...would you mind, by any chance, if I asked you exactly WHAT you and your ex-wife are planning to dance TO?" the cashier rather-nervously asked Dave, sincerely hoping that his answer to said question wasn't going to be or involve the title of yet another incredibly over-rated and crappy mainstream pop song while Dave and Satina both began curiously stroking their chins with their left hands and wondering what to make said answer be (for about ten seconds, to be exact) in response.
"OOO, I KNOW! We'll dance to an instrumental version of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' while also singing along to it in the process!" Dave proudly thrusted his right index finger straight up into the air and far-TOO-proudly exclaimed while Lucia and the cashier both rolled their eyes, face-palmed themselves yet again and resoundingly groaned in response.
"FINE...whatever you say…" Lucia listlessly sighed as she immediately teleported/summoned her rather-impressively loud boombox onto the cashier's payment counter with a quite literal snap of her left hand's fingers before then also-immediately teleporting/summoning a copy of YouTube's "Greatest Memes" album onto that exact same counter with an also-quite-literal snap of her right hand's fingers.
"Watch and learn, sweetie; watch and LEARN…" Dave rather-weirdly-playfully teased the cashier as he immediately inserted said album's disc into Lucia's boombox and then also-immediately skipped his way through said disc's song library using said boombox's "skip" button until he FINALLY reached the song that he was looking for; meanwhile, his fellow Tim & Larry's human customers already had their smartphones' recording cameras thoroughly ready for some good old meme-creating and were downright-sadistically grinning with delight as he spoke.
"Someone WILL pay for this; oh, yes, someone will PAY…" Lucia ever-so-bitterly thought to herself as she quite-reluctantly held hands with Dave and began gaily twirling around and dancing with him while an indeed-instrumental-and-therefore-wordless version of the infamously cheesy 'Never Gonna Give Up' began rather-loudly playing through her boombox's speakers.
"We're no strangers to suffering; you live in Hell, and SO do I!" Dave began singing in an exaggeratedly deep voice as he and Lucia "passionately" danced around on the checkerboard-patterned floor of Tim & Larry's while their fellow customers (along with the cashier) speechlessly gawked at them in utter confusion (not to mention Lucia-induced arousal).
"Though you and I might hardly...get along, I still remain a quite easy-going guy!" Dave continued singing while even Lucia herself surprisingly-desperately struggled to not laugh at him in response.
"Des-pite how embarrassed I am right now, I will never break my vow!" Dave continued singing while Lucia somewhat-annoyedly thought "oh, dear; here comes the chorus" to herself in response.
"Never wanna WOR-ship Christ! Never wanna ex-or-cise! Never wanna read the Bible and...con-VERT you! Never wanna GO up high! Never wanna SAY good-bye! Never wanna live or die...with-OUT you!" Dave genuinely-passionately sang, almost-but-not-quite causing Lucia to actually smile for once in the process as the two of them continued to gaily twirl around with each other.
"You know I'd never...hurt your kid...even if she went straight….INTO MY FREAKING HEAD!" Dave ever-so-enthusiastically sang, causing Lucia to suddenly experience a rather-visibly extreme "holy shit" realization in response.
"As we speak, I'm already...her puppet...raising her makes me wish...THAT I WAS DEAD!" Dave shamelessly(?) continued singing as Lucia just-BARELY resisted the urge to peek into his clearly-Satina-housing brain using a combination of her "zoom-in vision" and her "X-Ray vision".
"But...even though she's such a nightmare, I always give her love and care!" Dave continued singing while Lucia very-regretfully began to realize the fact that she could barely even remember what actually genuine love and care were, rather-surprisingly almost crying as a result.
"Never wanna WOR-ship Christ! Never wanna ex-or-cise! Never wanna read the Bible and...con-VERT you! Never wanna GO up high! Never wanna SAY good-bye! Never wanna live or die...with-OUT you!" Dave ever-so-shamelessly continued singing while Lucia suddenly began genuinely and non-wickedly smiling (for once) in response (in fact, she even began SINGING).
"Never gonna LIVE this down! Never gonna lose my frown! Never gonna be a clown and for-GIVE you! Never gonna TURN back time! Never gonna SAVE mankind! Never gonna fathom why...I KISSED you!" Lucia reluctantly sang as she and Dave then proceeded to continue dancing with each other for roughly fifteen more sadly brief seconds before then FINALLY running back over to Lucia's boombox so that they could immediately turn it off in order to avoid humiliating themselves even more excessively than they already had.
"Dave, mark my words; you and I are absolutely NEVER going to speak of this again. EVER." Lucia seethingly hissed at Dave as she briefly re-opened her boombox so that Dave could remove her "YouTube's Greatest Memes" disc from it and (then) very-gently put it back into its case where it belonged while Dave's fellow Tim & Larry's human customers VERY-excitedly finished/saved their new smartphone videos (of Lucia and Dave gaily dancing with each other while singing "the RickRoll song") so that they would be able to post said videos online for the whole world to see.
"Now, let's just see what's in that utterly revolting little HEAD of yours, shall we?" Lucia forcefully re-closed her boombox and very-hatefully sneered at Dave as she then proceeded to use a combination of her "zoom-in vision", her "X-Ray vision" and her telepathy to quite-literally see (not to mention hear) what was going on in the poor, POOR guy's indeed-laughably diminutive brain...predictably enough, however, Satina had definitely NOT been planning to get caught (in the act of mind-controlling her own father for her own blatantly sadistic amusement) so quickly.
"HMPH...Mommy thinks that she is so much smarter than me...how utterly freaking ADORABLE…" Satina rather-arrogantly crossed her arms over her chest and increasingly-frustratedly thought to herself (causing Dave to do AND think the exact same thing in the process, naturally enough) as she took a remarkably deep "concentration" breath and then immediately made herself invisible using her aptly-named "invisibility" power, luckily doing so JUST in time to avoid being visually detected by Lucia; however, although Dave's thoughts rather-understandably were being heard considerably more loudly by Lucia when compared to Satina's, Lucia definitely still was able to hear Satina's thoughts emanating from within Dave's brain...in Satina's EXACT voice, no less!
"OH, DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME; I FORGOT TO DISGUISE MY INNER VOICE!" the now-suddenly-visible-again-due-to-concentration-breakage Satina violently-tremblingly and EXTREMELY-panicked-lookingly clutched her head with both of her hands (causing Dave to also do so, of course) and suddenly began internally screaming to herself at the top of her OWN brain's non-existent lungs (ironically still COMPLETELY forgetting to disguise her inner voice as she did so, causing it to MASSIVELY stand out when compared to Dave's) as she suddenly realized the fact that Lucia had indeed (al)most-certainly just caught her (AHEM) utterly red-handed as a result of said mistake.
"SATINA NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY, GET THE ACTUAL HELL OUT OF YOUR GOD-DAMNED FATHER'S FREAKING HEAD RIGHT NOW! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHERE IT HAS BEEN?!" Lucia FAR-beyond-furiously screamed at Satina at the top of her ever-loving lungs, causing Dave to rather-awkwardly and incredibly-frightened-and-helpless-lookingly blush and giggle in response.
"OKAY, okay, okay; just PLEASE let me log myself out of his brain computer first, alright? It's kind of a long process, alright?" Satina desperately begged Lucia with her mind, making sure to only think about ponies and rainbows and whatnot as she then FINALLY stopped mind-controlling Dave before then immediately proceeding to click her way into the poor fool's memory banks and (then) instantaneously erase every single one of his memories of what had been happening to him over the course of the day during which this story had been taking place with one incredibly measly "erase history from the past 24 hours" click.
"UGH...FINE…Just PLEASE hurry up and finish whatever it is that you're doing right now so that I DON'T end up having to 'shrink-teleport' MYSELF into Dave's utterly WRETCHED mockery of a brain just to get you out of it, for the love of freaking CHRIST..." Lucia exasperatedly groaned with her OWN mind, crossing her arms over her chest and increasingly-impatiently tapping her left foot against the floor (of Tim & Larry's) in the process as she briefly but very-worriedly waited for Satina to finish the actually-rather-short process of "logging herself out of" Dave's Central Nervous Super-Computer.
"ALRIGHT, MOMMY; I'M DONE!" Satina rather-weirdly-excitedly informed Lucia with her mind as she (Satina) FINALLY decided that she had indeed (literally) messed with Dave's brain FAR more than enough for one day before then immediately teleporting herself straight back out of the poor guy's head and onto the floor (of Tim & Larry's), FINALLY growing herself back to her normal (but still adorably small) size as she did so.
"Jesus CHRIST, you make me so freaking worried about you at times; seriously, WHAT in the actual HELL did you apparently think was going to take you SO freaking long about logging yourself out of a CLEARLY AVERAGE computer?" Lucia threw her arms out beside herself and EXTREMELY-frustratedly asked Satina, VERY-seriously hoping that Satina's answer to said question wasn't going to be-
"Erasing all of its history data from the past 24 hours so that Daddy wouldn't find out about what I had done with it, of course! What else did you honestly EXPECT?" Satina incredibly-sassily placed her hands onto her hips and ever-so-downright-obnoxiously-smugly explained to Lucia, grinning at said mother of hers in a downright-UNBELIEVABLY shit-eating manner as she did so.
"Uh, WHAT exactly is Satina talking about, again?" Dave scratched the back of his head with his right hand and rather-confusedly asked the COMPLETELY "frozen with shock" Lucia while Satina crossed her legs, crossed her arms behind her back and continued shit-eatingly grinning at her; unfortunately, Lucia was too distracted by how utterly obnoxious Satina was being to actually answer his question, so she decided to horrifically lose her temper and violently attack Satina instead.
"C'MERE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Lucia ferociously roared at Satina, lunging directly toward her and attempting to grab her by the neck and violently strangle her with both of her hands...luckily, however, literally one split-second before Lucia's hands were able to reach Satina's neck, Satina teleported and shrunk herself directly into (the back of) Lucia's gorgeously fleshy and wrinkly brain, immediately gaining access to said (demon) woman's OWN behavioral control center as a result (indeed, all of the brains in the Satina universe, for some incredibly asinine reason, had hollowed-out interiors).
"WOW...I'm honestly kind of surprised that it isn't LITERALLY full of spiders…" Satina worriedly-yet-fascinatedly thought to herself, duly (not to mention mentally) noting how much a normal person would have already been sweating from how much of a literal "hot-head" Lucia was as she frantically and drool-inducingly-bare-footedly sprinted her way past the astonishingly complex and powerful-looking network of neuron wires that gave Lucia's brain its (AHEM) shockingly impressive intelligence and into her frontal lobe, where her Central Nervous Super-Computer was rather-predictably being housed in literally THE exact same place as Dave's.
"Oh, dear Lord...PLEASE don't tell me that Satina is where I think she is right now…" Lucia helplessly-tremblingly stood as still as she possibly could and began downright-horrifiedly thinking to herself (sadly valuing her dignity far too much to even be able to admit how downright-humiliatingly-easily she had just been outsmarted by Satina to her own ex-husband, let alone anyone else) as said daughter of hers immediately took her seat in front of her (Lucia's) Central Nervous Super-Computer and then unbearably-excitedly readied herself to begin hacking her way into it.
"DAMNED right, Mommy; I'm already quite-literally INSIDE YOUR FREAKING BRAIN as we speak! I sure hope that you enjoy being NICE for once in your freaking LIFE!" Satina incredibly-snidely teased Lucia with her mind, causing said mother of hers to VERY-nearly freak out and begin screaming like an absolute lunatic while frantically running all over the place in response...luckily, however, she (Lucia) still had JUST enough self-control to avoid actually doing so (although at the rate that is being depicted here, she wasn't exactly going to be in control of herself for much longer, believe me).
"Uhh...for the record, it would appear that Satina has already gone back home, and I know for a FACT that she would absolutely NEVER stoop so low as to PUBLICLY infiltrate and hijack her own freaking PARENTS' bodies against their wills just for her own sadistic amusement, so while you're busy going utterly insane from how much you hate your life, I think I'm just going to head over into the men's restroom REAL quick and take a nice big mirror-reflected look at whatever in God's name I'm freaking WEARING right now, assuming that you don't mind me doing so…" Dave confusedly (but still rather-embarrassedly) explained to the outright-terrified-looking Lucia, still not quite being able to fully understand why his fellow Tim & Larry's human customers were laughing so incredibly hard at him and his ex-wife as he immediately ran into said restroom.
"I must not fear...fear is the mind-killer...fear is the little death that brings total obliteration...I will face my fear...I will permit it to pass over me and through me...and when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path...where the fear has gone, there will be nothing...only I will remain…" Lucia got down onto her knees, placed her hands together in an extremely ironic "prayer" gesture, leaned her head forward into said hands, and began increasingly-frightenedly chanting to herself with her mind in a VERY-clearly failing attempt to calm herself down while Dave hilariously-loudly screamed like an actual woman in response to seeing how much of a woman he was dressed like.
"HA! As if THAT freaking pretentious nonsense is seriously going to work as a 'brain defense' tactic! Give me a god-damned BREAK!" Satina merrily clutched her belly with both of her hands and uproariously-laughingly teased Lucia with her OWN mind as the "litany against fear" speech that Lucia had just extremely-blatantly recited from Dune somehow caused the actual (not to mention quite large and Eye-Of-Sauron-resembling) "inner eye" camera that was right above the main screen of Lucia's Central Nervous Super-Computer to suddenly open itself and then immediately begin hatefully and rather-intimidatingly glaring straight down at her brain's disgustingly stubborn new intruder while said intruder ridiculously-nonchalantly ignored said camera and the fact that it was a QUITE literal "extra eye in the front of her mother's head" in response.
Naturally, Satina had already finished stealing and typing Lucia's BrainTernet user name (QueenBitch666) and password (Y6n9HSzQ) using a combination of her mind-reading ability and her fingers by the time that Lucia's "inner eye" had opened itself up and (therefore) spotted her, but after she had finally finished logging herself into Lucia's BrainTernet account, she very quickly found out that said (demon) woman's Control Panel, memory banks and whatnot had indeed been blocked by seemingly impenetrable (but thankfully not-literal) firewalls due to the fact that Lucia's "inner eye" had indeed identified her as a HIGHLY unwelcome (brain) intruder.
"Oh, come on, can't you give me access to the inner workings of Mommy's mind just ONCE?" Satina looked straight up at Lucia's "inner eye" and (then) began increasingly-childishly whining and sobbing out loud in a downright-amazingly brattish attempt to make the normally COMPLETELY merciless "anti-virus" security system in Lucia's brain feel sorry for her while Dave immediately ran straight back to his car so that he would hopefully be able to change himself back into his regular clothes "before" it was too late.
"NO." Lucia's "inner eye" robotically informed Satina while Dave FINALLY changed himself back into his normal clothes, stuffing the former contents of his fanny pack right back into his jean pockets as he did so.
"PLEAAASE?" Satina placed her hands together in yet another hilariously ironic "prayer" gesture and began downright-obnoxiously-adorably whimpering as her eyes became comically over-sized and almost-instantly began over-flowing with tears; meanwhile, Lucia was rocking herself forward and backward on the floor (of Tim & Larry's) in an upright fetal position and increasingly-helplessly sucking her thumb (not to mention crying) like a baby, causing Dave's fellow Tim & Larry's human customers to laugh at HER (Lucia) almost as intensely as they had previously been laughing at him in response.
"GOD DAMN IT. I SAID NO. IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF LUCIA'S BRAIN RIGHT FREAKING NOW, THEN I WILL MAKE HER BRUTALLY MURDER YOUR UTTERLY WORTHLESS FATHER (SUBJECT'S NAME: DAVE) IN COLD BLOOD (NOT TO MENTION A QUITE-CLEARLY PSYCHOTIC FIT OF ANGER) AND THEN DRINK HIS ACTUAL BLOOD IN 10...9...8…7..." Lucia's "inner eye" robotically but very-annoyedly scolded Satina and then began increasingly-ominously counting down to her, only to then almost-immediately get cut off BY her.
"PWIDDY-WIDDY PWEEEAAASSSE? YOU WOULDN'T JUST BWEAK A SWEET AND INNOCENT WIDDLE GIRL'S HEAAARRRT FOR NO GOOD WEEEAAASON, WOULD YOOOUUU?" Satina nearly-incomprehensibly mewled and squeaked in the absolute cutest voice that she was physically capable of, combining said mewling with only THE most absolutely humongous and downright-laughably crocodile-tear-filled "puppy dog" eyes that she was physically capable of (while also wagging her adorable little tail back and forth like an actual puppy and holding her comically large hands out in front of herself as if they were kitten paws, no less) as she did so.
"UGH...FINE. YOU WIN. LUCIA'S MENTAL FIREWALLS HAVE BEEN DISABLED. ALSO, THE LIFE OF YOUR FATHER (SUBJECT'S NAME: DAVE) WILL NOW BE SPARED BY LUCIA, DESPITE HOW INTENSELY HIS EXISTENCE CLEARLY FRUSTRATES HER." Lucia's "inner eye" robotically but very-reluctantly confirmed, nearly exploding from the absolutely massive sensory overload that Satina's sheer cuteness had given it in the process; meanwhile, Dave exhaustedly walked back into Tim & Larry's through its front door and (then) ever-so-predictably (moaned and) groaned to himself about how the day during which this story had been taking place had indeed been "one of those days".
"YAAAY!" Satina over-joyedly squealed with delight as she then immediately proceeded to click her way straight into Lucia's memory banks and then also-immediately begin deleting all of her memories of whatever in God's name had just happened to her at Tim & Larry's due to her daughter's (Satina's) absolute craziness; meanwhile, Dave was trying (and failing) to comfort Lucia.
"Come on, Lucia, please just tell me; what's troubling you so much, huh?" Dave took a seat directly across from Lucia at one of the Tim & Jerry's restaurant's numerous dining tables (one of the ones that was right behind one of said restaurant's windows and featured a very-neatly arranged pair of large and rather-thickly cushioned "two-seater" seats, to be more precise) and rather-worriedly asked her as Satina instantaneously deleted every single one of her memories of the "past 24 hours" of her life with (again) one incredibly measly click.
"Oh, I don't know...maybe it's the fact that I've been stuck with my ironically boring-AS-Hell 'imprisoning people in Hell' job for as long as I can remember, with Azalea AKA Queen Bitch CONSTANTLY bombarding me with remarkably expensive phone calls just to downright-insufferably-smugly tease me about how much 'better' she apparently thinks that her fancy European Hell is when compared to my 'boring old' North American one all the while...or perhaps it's the fact that I clearly wanted our relationship with each other to produce a 'beautiful yet fearsome' beast such as myself, only for said relationship to then VERY-ironically-and-unfortunately result in me giving birth to the pitifully scrawny and utterly scatter-brained little RUNT that Satina QUITE-clearly is instead…" Lucia very-annoyedly shrugged her shoulders and began increasingly-sarcastically explaining to Dave while Satina surprisingly-indignantly crossed her arms over her chest and went "HMPH" in response.
"...or MAYBE it's the fact that the man that I decided to form said relationship with is an utterly irresponsible and lazy idiot who lives in one of the absolute nastiest places that I've EVER seen and is SO freaking incompetent of a parent that I'm honestly starting to think that Satina might actually be better off having to put up with ME for the rest of her life…yeah, those all seem like pretty freaking understandable reasons, don't you think?" Lucia increasingly-depressedly sneered and hissed at Dave, causing the poor guy to VERY-depressedly nod his head and sigh in response.
"Oh, for the love of GOD; Mommy clearly has SO many freaking cells in this big old brain of hers, yet she somehow STILL can't figure out how to not act as if literally not even a SINGLE freaking one of said cells is even capable of generating non-sadism-induced positive emotions...even though she clearly HAS done so in the past!" Satina rolled her eyes, threw her arms out beside herself and began exasperatedly and very-indignantly ranting as she ever-so-sneakily clicked her way into the "childhood" folder in Lucia's memory banks and (then, after turning on the "Extra Large Thumbnails" feature of said memory banks,) immediately began to notice the fact that said folder contained numerous (seemingly) extremely "out of character" photographs of said (demon) woman downright-ecstatically smiling from ear to ear in ways that appeared to quite-easily rival those of Satina herself in terms of sheer adorable-ness and cheerfulness.
"Look, Lucia; I know that I've been a downright-horribly neglectful father to Satina, and that I've allowed her to get away with doing WAY too many things that not even a literal demon kid like her has any real excuse for doing at HOME, let alone in public…" Dave ever-so-listlessly folded his arms atop the dining table, hung his head in shame, and began explaining to Lucia, clearly-deliberately avoiding eye contact with her as he did so.
"But despite all of that, she still absolutely LOVES me more than anyone else in this entire freaking world, okay? Although it might not exactly be the most immediately notice-able thing about me, I really do have a VERY big heart hidden beneath my 'irresponsible slob' exterior, which means that I also greatly respect the fact that my daughter...well, you know, actually APPRECIATES how much I love her. Honestly, Lucia; why can't YOU just be an adorable sweet-heart like her?" Dave pressed his elbows against the (dining) tabletop, rested his cheeks against his palms, (finally) made eye contact with Lucia, and shockingly-tearfully sobbed, causing Satina herself to suddenly become rather teary-eyed and quivering-lipped (while Lucia just irritatedly rolled her eyes) in response.
"SIGH...oh, I don't know; maybe my reason for not caring about you anymore is simply because you're just not my type?" Lucia shrugged her shoulders and rather-impressively-flatly replied.
"GOD DAMN IT, WHAT IS YOUR TY-HY-HY-HYYYPE?!" Dave crossed his arms atop the dining table, buried his face into said arms, and began devastatedly wailing while his fellow Tim & Larry's human customers suddenly began laughing even more intensely at him in response.
"Definitely not a freaking naive man-child like you, THAT'S for sure…" Lucia very-hatefully sneered at Dave while completely-disgustedly glaring and scowling at him, causing Satina to officially decide (once and for all) that if Lucia wasn't going to change her mind about Dave, then she (Satina) was indeed going to have to quite-literally do so for her.
"Alright, let's see here...Control Panel….Mood Changer...ah, HERE we go!" Satina somewhat-nervously whispered to herself as she quickly (but quietly) clicked her way into Lucia's very-aptly-named Mood Changer and then immediately dialed her "Positivity/Negativity" level all the way up from "Insolence Incarnate (-100)" to "Sugary-Sweet Satina (100)", causing the massively disgusted-looking scowl that had previously been adorning Lucia's face to suddenly turn into a downright-freakishly huge ear-to-ear smile.
"HI, EX-HUBBY!" Lucia waved her left hand at Dave and over-joyedly squeaked in his general direction as if she was being mind-controlled by Satina (even though she actually wasn't being mind-controlled by Satina...not DIRECTLY, at least), causing said "ex-hubby" of hers to VERY-confusedly-and-frightenedly glare at her and speechlessly mouth out the phrase "what in the actual HELL?" in response.
"Um...p-pardon my ask-k-king, but w-w-w-WHAT exactly are y-you so freaking h-h-happy about all of a s-s-s-sudden?" Dave leaned backward in his seat, performed a very sincere "back off" gesture with his hands, and actually-somewhat-terrifiedly (not to mention stammeringly) asked Lucia while said (demon) woman hyperactively and downright-dementedly-happy-lookingly bounced in her seat.
"You're just so HUGGABLE, HUGGABLE, HUGGABLEEE!" Lucia frantically flailed her arms up and down as if they were hummingbird wings and fan-girlishly (not to mention anime-eyedly and intensely-blushingly) squealed at (not to mention about) Dave, continuing to ever-so-awkwardly smile from ear to ear as she did so.
"UHH...O-KAY..." Dave increasingly-bewilderedly raised his right eyebrow at Lucia and increasingly-nervously thought out loud to himself while even his fellow Tim & Larry's human customers started to become rather-visibly weirded out by how COMPLETELY "out of character" Lucia was suddenly acting.
"Aww, C'MERE, Davey-Poo; let me SQUEEZE you!" Lucia incredibly-childishly covered her mouth with her hands and merrily (not to mention exaggeratedly-blushingly) giggled AND squealed like a little girl as she then proceeded to suddenly leap out of her seat, tightly grab Dave by the armpits using both of her hands, (and) then finally wrap both of her arms around him as tightly as she could, hugging him SO ridiculously-intensely in the process that his ribcage quite-nearly ended up being crushed into pieces as a result.
"WOW (cough), Lucia (choke)...you're so incredibly (gasp) STRONG for your (wheeze) ROUGHLY human (gag) current size…" Dave exhaustedly rasped, profusely sweating and VERY-rapidly starting to become "blue-faced" in the process as Lucia lovingly and downright-embarrassingly-loudly smooched him right on the forehead, leaving a quite literal mark on him as a result.
"Come ON, you silly GOOSE; let's get ourselves some ICE CREAM!" Lucia exuberantly sang with delight as she adorably-gently set the desperately-gasping-for-air Dave back down onto the floor before then immediately grabbing both of his legs from behind with her hands and (then) forcefully dragging him straight back over to the Tim & Larry's cashier's payment counter so that he wouldn't be able to run away from her; meanwhile, Satina ever-so-sneakily (not to mention FINALLY) teleported herself straight back out of Lucia's rather-thoroughly happiness-overloaded brain and onto the roof of Tim & Larry's, also re-growing herself back to her normal size in the process.
"Just...just WOW, you guys; I don't even know what to freaking SAY at this point! Without even the SLIGHTEST hint of a doubt, you two have just OFFICIALLY won our new Self-Humiliation Contest by SO many freaking miles that I quite frankly don't even know where to freaking BEGIN! Have fun receiving your stupid little $1,000 cash prize in the mail, ya freaking LOSERS!" the cashier incredibly-spitefully mocked Dave and Lucia, desperately struggling to not fall over onto the floor (of Tim & Larry's) and downright-maniacally laugh and cry himself to sleep as he did so.
"MAN...I don't even know what in the Hell just happened, and yet somehow, I STILL want to die SO freaking badly right now…" Dave ever-so-dejectedly hung his head in shame and rather-relatably groaned as Lucia FINALLY finished (stupidly-gently) lifting him back up onto his feet, lovingly (not to mention VERY-irritatingly) petting him as if he was an actual pet kitten/puppy of hers as she did so.
"Oh, QUIT being such a gosh-darned party pooper; at least join me for some good old ICE CREAM first!" Lucia weirdly-playfully teased Dave while Satina suddenly came running into Tim & Larry's (through its front door, of course) out of (seemingly) absolutely nowhere with downright-un-naturally perfect timing.
"WAIT FOR ME! WAIT FOR ME!" Satina frantically flailed her arms up and down as if they were hummingbird wings and rather-appropriately-childishly begged "Mommy (Lucia)" and "Daddy (Dave)" while Dave rather-reluctantly (and, of course, IMMENSELY-humiliatedly) pulled out his wallet from the right front pocket of his jeans and bought one grossly over-priced bowl of absolutely pure (fat and) sugar for each of the three customers in his group (despite two of said customers already being both downright-insanely hyperactive and also generally downright insane to begin with).
AFTER DAVE, LUCIA AND SATINA HAD FINALLY FINISHED RECEIVING THEIR ICE CREAM AND (THEN) TAKING IT TO THE EXACT SAME TABLE THAT DAVE AND LUCIA HAD PREVIOUSLY USED AS THEIR "ARGUING TABLE"...
"So tell us, Satina; you weren't somehow INVOLVED in whatever in the actual Hell just happened here, were you? Please be honest with us, sweetie…" Dave rather-worriedly asked Satina as he and Lucia sat together on the dining table's right seat and rather-impressively-politely ate their chocolate-coated-chocolate-with-chocolate-chips-and-chocolate-syrup-flavored ice cream together while Satina stood alone on the dining table's left seat and ate her vastly more (ahem) INTERESTING bacon-cheeseburger-stuffed-with-marshmallow-creme-and-candy-flavored ice cream.
"Oh, of COURSE not, Daddy! You and Mommy probably just got DRUNK or something, for all I know!" Satina ever-so-shamelessly and amazingly-calmly lied through her ever-so-deceptively adorable little teeth, making sure to keep her inner thoughts as utterly-innocent-sounding as was possible as she did so while Dave and Lucia regretfully shrugged their shoulders and thought "well, it's not like we really have any proof that's she's WRONG, I suppose" to themselves in response.
"My name is Sateeny Weenie; Mommy and Daddy are my two best friends in the whole wide world, and my four favorite things in the whole wide world are ponies, sparkles, rainbows and the color PINNNK!" Lucia read from Satina's mind using her telepathy, causing her (Lucia) to very-unusually-lovingly go "AWW" in response while Dave embarrassedly-but-happily nodded his head in agreement with said "AWW" due to how adorably small and huggable-looking Satina indeed was.
"I'm not quite sure why, but I've got a REALLY bad feeling about this…" Dave shudderingly thought to himself as he suddenly began to notice how clearly-deliberately Satina was trying to make herself seem as innocent as she possibly could; unfortunately, however, the new "happy" Lucia that Satina had downright-insultingly-clearly created (by brain-washing the original "grouchy" Lucia) quite-frankly seemed to be far too naive to actually be able to notice how undeniably fishy Satina's behavior was indeed VERY-clearly starting to become.
"Man, I literally cannot BELIEVE how utterly ADORABLE Mommy is now! In fact, I very-sincerely hope that she stays this ludicrously happy and nice FOREVER!" Satina hyperactively hopped up and down on her seat and far-too-proudly squealed with joy while Dave continued to embarrassedly-but-happily nod his head in increasingly reluctant agreement; needless to say, however, Satina's usage of the word "forever" caused him to COMPLETELY freeze in terror.
"FOREVER...FOREVER...FOREVER...FOREVER…" the last word of what Satina had just said began ominously echoing in Dave's mind, causing him to tremble more audibly and fearfully and become the subject of a more extreme facial close-up with each individual one of said echoes; needless to say, he DEFINITELY needed to find a way to make Lucia re-gain her normal "bossy and hateful" personality as quickly as was possible in order to keep her show (the Satina series) interesting so that it wouldn't get prematurely cancelled, whether Lucia's new "obnoxiously happy and stupid" personality actually WAS a direct result of hallucinogenic drug usage and/or sleep-deprivation-induced mental illness or not. Either way, however, Dave definitely did know for a FACT that Lucia's utterly miserable job was the type of thing that could utterly ruin literally ANYONE'S mood.
"I'm going to have SO much fun at my work place! (loudly gasps) Do you think that SATINA could work there once SHE becomes all grown up like me?" Lucia FAR-too-cheerfully squeaked with joy before then even-MORE-cheerfully asking Dave, hyperactively bouncing in her OWN seat all the while.
"Please say no...PLEASE say no…" Satina placed her hands together in yet another terribly ironic "prayer" gesture, looked straight up at the ceiling and increasingly-worriedly thought to herself.
"Heh heh...well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see!" Dave lovingly patted Lucia on the back and merrily chuckled as Satina suddenly rather-tightly clutched her head with both of her hands and light-headedly winced in (VERY well-deserved) brain-freeze-induced pain.
"UGH...why does karma have to be such a BITCH?" Satina humiliatedly thought to herself as her show suddenly displayed a close-up X-Ray view of her head in order to show her brain quite-literally freezing from how excessively-quickly she had been eating her (largely un-deserved) ice cream.
"Oh my GOSH, Satina; are you OKAY, sweetie?" Lucia loudly gasped (covering her mouth with both of her hands as she did so) and then very-worriedly asked Satina in only THE most downright-cloyingly cute-sounding of ways while Dave rather-understandably-annoyedly rolled his eyes and went "UGH" in response.
"Yeah, I'm kind of wondering that too, to be honest…" Dave crossed his arms over his chest and rather-sternly thought to himself, distrustfully glaring at Satina as he did so while Lucia unusually-predictably (not to mention EXTREMELY-embarrassingly) teleported herself straight over to Satina and (then) immediately began lovingly and incredibly-gently kissing said demon girl's adorably round head in order to help her "brain boo-boos" heal.
ONE MONTH OF LUCIA HAVING TO PUT UP WITH DAVE, SATINA, AZALEA, AND (MOST ESPECIALLY) HER RATHER-FITTINGLY SOUL-CRUSHING "SENDING PEOPLE TO HELL" JOB LATER, DURING A VERY SPECIAL MORNING IN HELL...
"Satina, you've got SO much freaking explaining to do that I don't even know where to freaking BEGIN anymore! MEET ME IN MY THRONE ROOM RIGHT FREAKING NOW, YOU UTTERLY ABHORRENT LITTLE BRAT!" Lucia (who was now back to her normal size thanks to her "size alteration" ability) furiously yelled at Satina using her Hell Phone, QUITE-literally steaming with pent-up rage as she did so.
"Umm...pardon my asking, Mom, but what exactly are you so mad at me FOR?" Satina increasingly-anxiously paced back and forth across the floor of her somewhat-ironically girly-and-cute-looking bedroom (that Lucia had built for her in Hell) and "confusedly" asked Lucia using her own Hell Phone, sincerely hoping that her parents hadn't somehow found out about what she had done to them during their downright-unbelievably embarrassing "RickRoll at Tim & Larry's" incident (naturally enough, the actual RickRoll that had occurred during said incident had also FAR-too-quickly gone viral due to the rather-ironically unfortunate existence of recording-camera-boasting smartphones in the Satina universe).
"You freaking KNOW what, young lady!" Lucia bitterly sneered at Satina, causing Satina to audibly gulp, shrink her pupils to a quite-nearly microscopic size and begin VERY-fearfully trembling in response.
"UHH...ok-k-KAY, m-m-Mom, I'm com-m-m-ming!" Satina horrifiedly and knee-wobblingly stammered as she immediately hung up on Lucia and then quickly put her Hell Phone away so that she could then proceed to also-immediately teleport herself into Lucia's aforementioned throne room, where the throne-seated Lucia and the floor-seated (not to mention suddenly Lucia-sized) Dave had both been eagerly and very bare-footedly waiting for her, rather-cutely being right next to each other as they did so.
"Umm...Mom? WHY is Dad suddenly as big as YOU?" Satina scratched her head with her left index finger and rather-confusedly asked Lucia after finally arriving in said Hell queen's throne room.
"Because I used one of my size-altering spells on him." Lucia incredibly-flatly explained.
"And also because I've lost control of my freaking LIFE…" Dave shrugged his shoulders and exasperatedly groaned, VERY-hatefully-and-angrily glaring at "poor little" Satina as he did so.
"Anyway, if there's anything NON-sex-related that you'd like to ask us about before we begin punishing you for how much you've utterly embarrassed us, then PLEASE make sure to ask it NOW before we lose our patience." Lucia very-sternly explained to Satina, visibly shaking with anger as she did so.
"Well, umm...this isn't about that one particularly humiliating 'going into your brains' prank that I pulled on you and Dave about a month ago, is it?" Satina extremely-nervously but surprisingly-bravely asked Lucia, causing said (demon) woman and Dave to silently but very-seethingly nod their heads in response, rather-understandably continuing to look incredibly "pissed off" at her as they did so.
"No, of COURSE not; it's about us being slightly concerned about the fact that you spend too much freaking time browsing the Internet...of COURSE it's about the fact that you freaking USED us, your own PARENTS, as torture-fetish-quenching TOYS while also turning us into quite-possibly-eternal laughing-stocks OF the Internet in the process!" Lucia VERY-sarcastically began explaining to Satina, then suddenly threw her arms out beside herself and began furiously yelling at her while Dave agreeingly continued nodding his head in response.
"How do you even KNOW that I did that, though? What sort of actual proof of me being responsible for that do you even HAVE?" Satina threw her own arms out beside herself and very-indignantly asked Lucia, sincerely hoping that Lucia's answer to said question wasn't going to involve her (Satina's) brain as she did so.
"SIGH...well, to be quite honest, I've always personally considered sneaking into the often-completely defenseless brains of others without their permission in order to expose their most humiliating secrets against their wills to be a tactic that is utterly beneath me in most cases, including the one that I'm about to inform you about…" Lucia shrugged her shoulders and very-reluctantly began explaining to Satina.
"...but eventually, I decided that I just couldn't tolerate how incredibly fishy you've been acting over the course of the past month, or how clearly-excessively innocent your verbal thoughts have been whenever I've been near you during said month, anymore…" Lucia continued explaining to the increasingly-nervously trembling Satina while Dave nodded his head in agreement yet again in response.
"...and so therefore, I decided to simultaneously 'shrink-teleport' myself AND Dave into YOUR adorably helpless little brain last night while you were asleep…" Lucia somewhat-regretfully continued explaining to the suddenly very confused Satina.
"Wait, how exactly did you manage to 'shrink-teleport' both yourself and Dave at the same time?" Satina ever-so-curiously asked Lucia while Dave loudly went "SHH" at her (Satina) in response.
"We, uhh...well, we were, like...holding hands with each other, I guess you could say…" Lucia blushingly and very-meekly admitted while Dave ever-so-smugly-yet-lovingly smiled at her in response.
"...but anyway, that's ENTIRELY un-related to the problem that I'm clearly TRYING to freaking DISCUSS with you here!" Lucia adorably-flusteredly threw her arms out beside herself and yelled at Satina, angrily and very tsundere-ishly displaying her left middle finger to Dave immediately after she did so.
"Once me and Dave had finally reached the interior of your blissfully unaware brain, we then proceeded to immediately turn its 'manual control' computer back on, also waking you up from your sleep and causing you to very-confusedly wonder exactly WHAT had woken you up in the process." Lucia seductively crossed her legs, sternly crossed her arms over her chest, and increasingly-smugly continued explaining to Satina.
"OH...so THAT'S why I had so much trouble sleeping last night…" Satina indignantly crossed her arms over her chest and regretfully thought to herself, already beginning to feel like an unbelievably complete idiot (in fact, quite possibly even more of one than Dave) as she did so.
"After quickly-but-quietly digging our way into the 'One Month Ago' section of your memory banks, we found some things that were rather, uhh, INTERESTING, to say the LEAST, tucked away in there." Lucia increasingly-disgustedly explained to Satina, who suddenly became COMPLETELY frozen with fear in response.
"APPARENTLY, Tim & Larry's had some kind of 'public humiliation' contest going on for GOD-knows-WHAT reason, so YOU, being the selfish little brat that you quite-frankly are, decided that you were going to quite-literally 'cash in' on said incredibly bizarre and contrived coincidence by sneaking into your father's brain against his will in an EXTREMELY horrifying and needlessly ear-damaging manner…" Lucia seethingly continued explaining to Satina, who speechlessly and otherwise-motionlessly nodded her head (while Dave VERY-hatefully growled at her) in response.
"...and then from there, you decided that you were going to turn one of his CLEARLY PRIVATE Dave X Lucia sex tapes into a PUBLIC freaking porn video for potentially EVERYONE on the Internet to watch and download, quickly causing said video to basically become literally un-deletable due to how many freaking copies of it had indeed been downloaded by its utterly DEGENERATE viewers in the process...and THEN you created yet ANOTHER incredibly infamous Internet meme involving me and him by mind-controlling him into wearing a downright-HORRIFICALLY embarrassing women's outfit in a PUBLIC freaking restaurant and even singing along and dancing to an instrumental version of one of THE cheesiest songs of all FUCKING time, with ME serving as his dancing/singing partner, while wearing said outfit in said restaurant…" Lucia boiling-bloodedly and intensely-scowlingly continued explaining to Satina while Dave desperately struggled to resist his increasingly unbearable urge to viciously strangle said (demon) daughter of his with his bare hands.
"...and then, once THAT was over with, you THEN proceeded to delete everything that you had done to him while inside HIS head from his memory banks, before THEN going straight into the brain within MY freaking head, erasing MY memories of what your actions had put me and Dave through, and THEN somehow even going SO freaking far as to demonstrate the absolute INSOLENCE and AUDACITY to freaking BRAIN-WASH me into quite-literally becoming YOU in MY body, in freaking PUBLIC, no less, for your own DISGUSTINGLY selfish amusement!" Lucia downright-disbelievingly ranted at Satina, glowing neon-red with anger and shooting out QUITE a bit of steam from her ear holes and nostrils as she did so.
"In other words, you should probably consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky that we haven't already LITERALLY freaking killed you by now!" Dave shook his right fist at Satina and EXTREMELY-frustratedly yelled at her while she just pitifully hung her head in shame and meekly whimpered "I'm sorry" in response.
"W-W-W-Well, uhh...w-what ex-x-xactly have you t-two been p-p-p-planning to d-d-d-do to me as an ALT-T-TERNATIVE to literally k-k-k-killing me, p-pardon my ask-k-k-king?" Satina crossed her arms behind her back, rapidly looked back and forth around herself and sweatily, wobbly-kneedly stammered while Dave and Lucia ever-so-smugly smiled and raised their eyebrows at each other in response.
"WELL (SIGH)...as I've been saying, you have DEFINITELY been one AWFULLY spoiled little brat lately, and personally, considering the fact that you are merely a partially grown 'Daddy's little' princess of Hell rather than being the ACTUAL queen of Hell that I am, or even the fully grown prince consort of Hell that Dave sadly is, I must say that it surely-AS-Hell is about time for you to finally LEARN how to properly RESPECT your royal superiors, not to mention your freaking PARENTS, once and for all!" Lucia increasingly-frustratedly-and-disgustedly ranted at Satina, assertively and very-ominously pointing her right index finger straight down at said audibly shivering daughter of hers as she did so.
"Umm...by d-doing w-w-WHAT, exact-t-tly?" Satina somewhat-confusedly stammered, increasingly-worriedly looking at Dave's and Lucia's rather-unusually dirty and stinky (and in the magically enlarged Dave's case, also rather-unusually freaking HUGE) feet and therefore causing the two of them to both sadistically and downright-devilishly grin at her as she did so.
"Well, you see, these FEET of ours 'accidentally' got themselves covered in QUITE a bit of dirt, mud, sewage and feces after we snuck back out of your head last night, and we 'unfortunately' haven't cleaned them since then...in other words, would you mind cleaning them FOR us, SWEETIE?" Lucia incredibly-teasingly asked Satina as she and Dave seductively displayed their intimidatingly massive and downright-vomit-inducingly filthy and reeking bare soles to said (demon) daughter of theirs, with Dave in particular very-playfully wiggling his toes as he did so.
"UHH...with WHAT?" Satina rather-uncomfortably-arousedly asked Lucia, intensely blushing and sweating and desperately struggling to hide how utterly unbearable of a foot fetish her parents and their downright-irresistibly humongous soles were already VERY clearly causing her to develop as she did so.
"YOUR TONGUE." Lucia hatefully sneered at Satina while said (demon) girl disgustedly stuck said tongue out and went "BLECH" in response (needless to say, however, after what Satina had done to them, her parents did NOT feel sorry for her at all).
"Oh, and make sure to eat my toe jam too! It's absolutely freaking delicious, I PROMISE!" Dave sadistically teased Satina, spreading his remarkably gross and hairy toes apart in order to show off all of the revoltingly slimy and rotten-smelling gunk that was trapped between them (causing Satina to quite-nearly puke in response) as he did so.
"UGH...the THINGS I do for love…" Satina shrugged her shoulders and nauseatedly groaned as she VERY-reluctantly and audibly-shiveringly began cleaning the positively unspeakable filth off of Dave's and Lucia's soles...with her mouth.
"MMPH...oh, that feels so relaxing and satisfying...your wonderfully soft and moist tongue brushing against my big, meaty soles…it tickles quite a bit too, actually..." Dave intensely smiled and arousedly moaned with delight as Satina shrunk herself until she was quite-literally ant-sized from his perspective before then proceeding to slavishly crawl underneath his right foot and (then) intensely-blushingly lick every single part of its vomit-inducingly grimy and sweaty sole to her heart's content.
"OH, YEAH, FREAKING STOMP ON ME, DADDY...STOMP ON MY STUPID AND PATHETIC LITTLE FACE, I'M BEGGING YOU…" Satina swirly-eyedly, pantingly and droolingly moaned with excitement as she crawled underneath Dave's left foot and (then) began FAR-too-proudly smearing her face all over every single part of ITS deliciously masculine and slime-covered sole while also EXTREMELY-passionately licking said sole in the process.
"UHH...just for the record, I THINK that Satina MIGHT be enjoying this just a BIT too much for it to be considered an actual punishment…" Dave rather-disturbedly informed Lucia as Satina began lovingly kissing his toes.
"Have you ever considered how many people in the 'real life' realm are going to be watching this episode of our show, Dave? I'll have you know that we're humiliating Satina EASILY just as much as she humiliated us at Tim & Larry's as we freaking SPEAK!" Lucia shrugged her shoulders and ever-so-smugly pointed out to Dave while Satina suddenly (not to mention very forcefully and VERY painfully) bit the abnormally sensitive big toe of his left foot with her fangs, causing the poor guy to rather-loudly scream in pain and (then) very-frantically shake her off of said foot using both of his hands in response.
"SATINA! Be CAREFUL with those freaking TEETH of yours; I'm WARNING you, you freaking obnoxious little PEST!" Dave shook his right fist at Satina and very-angrily scolded her, threatening to step on her with his now-aching left foot as he did so while she downright-ridiculously-excitedly climbed onto the top of his right foot and then immediately began thoroughly and very-fascinatedly studying its topography with her tongue.
"Hmm...you know, on second thought, I think that she's actually mostly just humiliating HERSELF…" Lucia shrugged her shoulders and very-disappointedly sighed as Satina climbed onto the top of Dave's left foot and began licking it as if it was the biggest and sweetest lollipop that she had ever tasted.
"Gee, you sure can say THAT again!" Dave scratched the back of his head with his right hand and rather-confusedly laughed as Satina UNBELIEVABLY-shamelessly began crawling into the gaps between his toes and downright-nauseatingly-gluttonously stuffing her face with (the rest of) his hairy, sweaty, dirty, linty and poopy toe jam.
"OHH, IT SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS…" Satina orgasmically(?) moaned as she FAR-too-lovingly sniffed Dave's last remaining bit of toe jam (between the fourth toe and the pinkie toe of his left foot) with all of her might, sending said toe jam's fungal spores careening straight through her nose and therefore straight into her brain (as if she hadn't already been acting drug-intoxicated enough BEFORE said occurrence) as she then proceeded to incredibly-proudly eat said last remaining bit of Dave's toe jam before then VERY-loudly burping and then going "MMM" in response.
"Well, at least this is a ridiculously effective method of foot cleaning, I suppose…" Dave VERY-embarrassedly sighed as he somewhat-reluctantly examined his feet and rather-amazedly saw how utterly sparkly-clean the "tongue bath" that Satina had just COMPLETELY-shamelessly given them had made them while Satina eagerly ran straight over to the still-throne-seated Lucia's ever-so-seductively crossed legs (growing herself back to her normal "Satina" size as she did so, of course) and then immediately began ever-so-lovingly licking and kissing the bottoms of her (Lucia's) OWN feet.
"Yeah, go on...lick my fucking hooves, you utterly degenerate and detestable little SLUT!" Lucia very-forcefully shoved her feet directly into the thankfully normal-sized Satina's face and incredibly-hatefully sneered at said daughter of hers as she (Satina) adorably-submissively licked the thoroughly scum-covered soles of said hooves until said soles were so ridiculously clean that they became veritable mirrors in which said daughter was able to quite-literally see her own reflection.
"Yes, of COURSE, Mommy...I'll do literally ANYTHING for you, Mommy…" Satina blushingly, sweatily and VERY-lightheadedly moaned with delight as she incredibly-wetly and extremely-sloppily kissed Lucia's delectably massive toes one by one before then exhaustedly fainting head-over-heels onto the floor and (then) immediately slipping into unconsciousness (don't worry; she had already gotten numerous vaccine shots from her local demon doctors long before the events that are being depicted in this story and was therefore CLEARLY going to be perfectly fine).
"Do you THINK that maybe, just MAYBE, God stays in Heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he has created? Here on Earth?" Dave finally stood back up and then ever-so-curiously asked Lucia as the two of them rather-amusedly looked down at Satina's over-excitement-inducedly comatose body.
"If you're talking about this episode, then yeah...most definitely…" Lucia exhaustedly shrugged her shoulders and dejectedly (not to mention intensely-blushingly) sighed while Dave VERY agreeingly and frightened-lookingly (not to mention also-intensely-blushingly) nodded his head in response.
MEANWHILE, IN HEAVEN…
"Yep, looks like it's DEFINITELY time to add XanderMartin98 to my rapidly growing list of people who will absolutely NEVER make it into this god-forsaken place…" God immensely-disgustedly groaned as he FINALLY finished reading this fanfic on the desktop computer in his bedroom and then immediately went to bed (using a downright-comically massive over-dosage of sleeping pills to help himself fall asleep more quickly in the process, of course).
THE END (OF GOD'S WILL TO LIVE)
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Satina Wants More Ice Cream