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Virgin on the Edge of Extinction	By : AnonyMPC Category: +G through L > Gravity Falls Views: 7643 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls, nor the characters from it, Disney does. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Note: This parodic episode takes place after "Carpet Diem" and ignores everything from "Boyz Crazy" on, because it was written before that.
Fade in:
Dipper Pines tugged on his cap to adjust the visor, so it would keep the sun out of his eyes while he once again checked the sheet of paper he held. On it was a drawing of a mushroom, brown with black diamond-shaped spots. Written underneath was "Do not eat", underlined three times, and then, in parentheses, "(it's for pest control!)"
He'd seen a lot of mushrooms in the woods since he and his twin sister came to stay in Gravity Falls, Oregon for the summer, but none that looked anything like this one. And they'd been searching for hours, following a map their Grunkle Stan drew on the other side of the mushroom picture. It was incredibly frustrating... he'd been sure he was in the right place several times, only to find nothing except the possibility that one of the signposts on the map was actually something else. Now Dipper was starting to lose hope that there even was a right place. "Do you ever get the impression Grunkle Stan just wants to get rid of us for a while?" He looked up and caught the eye of Mabel, his twin, seated beside him in the Mystery Shack's golf cart.
Mabel, was at that moment, eating cheese snacks from two open bags. "Oh, Dipper," she said with an amused sigh in her voice. "Why would he want to do that? We're great company."
"I don't know, maybe it's to avoid the Orange Plague," Dipper joked, as he pointed at her orange-stained fingers. Mabel was wearing her usual outfit... purple skirt, a headband, and a thick sweater. He never understood why she wore sweaters in the summer... it had to be warm, even in the cool Oregon climate, but he knew she loved them. This time around, the sweater was pink, with a had a collection of birds on it and the words "Dance" for some reason. And, of course, there were scattered orange smudges, from where Mabel had unthinkingly wiped her fingers. "He's probably just afraid of getting stains all over the Mystery Shack," he continued. He teased his twin, and she just as often teased him, but they both knew there wasn't any malice in it.
Mabel reacted appropriately, with a laugh, a kind of excited bark, that showed off her braces and currently orangey teeth, and then held out her cheesy hands at her brother, each holding one bag of cheese snacks. "Join me Dipper... I can make you orange too!"
Dipper reeled away in mock disgust. "Eww, no!" Though the snack was tempting. He looked over and thought again of the question he'd wondered idly about, but hadn't asked. Often, with Mabel, asking just got a weird answer. He loved her weirdness, but occasionally, it got exasperating. "Why did you have to open up two different bags at once?"
"So I can go back and forth."
The answer may have been simple, but it made no sense. "But they're the exact same snack."
"No they're not. See, I eat these," she began, shaking the bag labeled "Cheezus Christs". A picture of an angel holding cross-shaped cheese twists was on the front, along with a little circle proclaiming it "Sacrilicious." Mabel continued, "...when I'm feeling pure and innocent. And when I want to get a little wild, pow! I switch to these babies." The other bag was labeled "Cheesy Sluts," and promised "a gangbang of real cheddar flavor in your mouth!" The snacks from this bag had a variety of shapes, some looking a lot like dicks, others sort of like Vs. Dipper frankly couldn't understand how either of them got produced, but their time in Oregon had seen a lot of strange stuff, with snack foods being no exception.
"But it's just different shapes... they taste exactly the same." He'd tasted them all, although he'd skipped the ones that look like penises... eating those made him too uncomfortable. Watching Mabel eat them was almost as bad.
She did just that, a cheesy long rod with two balls attached to one end, sliding over her lips until it broke apart in her mouth. "They taste different to me," she said, the sound a little mangled by the food particles spilling around her mouth.
He sighed a little and got out of the golf cart. "If you say so, Mabel. Can we just find these stupid mushrooms so we can get back to the Shack? Which tree do you think might be the 'Big Tree' Stan wrote about? That one, or that one?" He pointed at two trees in slightly different directions. Both towered over the rest of the nearby trees, but he couldn't tell which was bigger... they seemed close to the same size, and either might have just been on a hill.
"I don't know," she said. "Why don't we each take one?"
Dipper rubbed the back of his neck. "We should probably stick together, there's a lot of crazy stuff in these woods."
"Wow, Dipper, I'm really impressed at you, that you're willing to take twice the time to do it safely, especially considering Wendy might be getting naked back at the Shack at annny time now."
That got his attention. "Say what?"
"Don't you remember? She's going on a date with Robbie right after work, so she asked if she could use our bathroom to shower? You were right there." She snickered at his suddenly intense interest.
"To be honest, I kind of tuned out when she said she was going out with Robbie."
"It's probably just as well, what with the lock still broken, you might accidentally walk in on her all soapy and get embarrassed..."
Picturing that, Dipper started to feel light-headed, and a warm stiffening in his crotch that warned of an oncoming boner. He turned his back swiftly on Mabel so she wouldn't see, and then, with forced cheerfulness, said, "You know what, those trees really aren't that far apart. Maybe we could split up and handle them."
Mabel had already slid out of the golf cart and soon walked up behind him, close enough to whisper in his ear, although she spoke at a normal volume in her slightly spittley voice. "Are you sure? I don't mind coming with you."
"No, no," Dipper insisted. "It's a good idea, we cover more ground this way. Just, if you get into any trouble, or you find the mushrooms, yell." He started walking into the woods, not daring to turn his front to his sister knowing that his little grey shorts had a visible bulge in them.
Mabel didn't seem to notice. "You're the boss," she said, and took one bag of cheese snacks while she skipped off in the direction of the other big tree.
There were no mushrooms at Dipper's big tree. Worse, the erection wasn't going away, the images that his twin sister had planted in his mind started to snowball into outright fantasies.
He could almost see Wendy, the leggy redhead of his dreams, stepping out of the shower, completely naked, letting him see everything, from the freckles he imagined were on her pert breasts, to the little bit of hair above her pussy. Of course, the details were somewhat vague... in his fantasies, she usually seemed to be strangely blurry. Chalk it up to the mysteries of the human brain... his older memories occasionally seemed to be slightly washed out of color, or even black and white, but it wasn't consistent. Fantasies were much better than memories anyway.
In fact... Dipper glanced around. No mushrooms, and nobody else around either. Why not enjoy the fantasy a little and play with himself? He couldn't do it much, sharing a room with his sister, but out in the woods...
Dipper took another look around, in all directions, even up the tree. He had to make sure there were no gnomes, Manotaurs, giant vampire bats, disembodied eyeballs, or, most embarrassing at all, nosy twin sisters. But he seemed to be alone, so he pulled his shorts over the hard piece of wood in his pants and started rubbing it, surrendering to the blurry fantasy...
***
This one was became more elaborate very quickly... he could see Wendy in the shower, rubbing the soap over her breasts, and then using the same washcloth Dipper used on his penis between her legs, and then she stepped out of the tub. At that moment, Dipper walked through the door, 'accidentally' not realizing it was occupied. Wendy gasped and turned towards him, not even bothering to cover up, and Dipper stared, completely frozen. Even in his fantasies he was an awkward loser. "I'm sorry!" he mumbled. "The lock was broken, I didn't mean to see your glistening breasts... I mean, I didn't see anything."
She stared at him for a moment, her eyes narrowing in the way that they sometimes did when he was acting suspiciously weird, but then, her freckled-face broke into a smile. "Oh, hey, man," she said. "It's okay. This is YOUR bathroom, after all."
"That's right... that's right, it is," Dipper said, even though it was really Grunkle Stan's.
"I don't mind if you look," Wendy said. "I've noticed you looking at me for a long time... I just didn't realize you liked me that much."
She pointed, down at his crotch, where he had a bulge longer than his legs. He tried to cover it. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she said. "If I knew you were packing this much, I never would have gotten with Robbie. He's so small..." She knelt down in front of him... at her height, this made them pretty much eye to eye, only her boobs dangled down, almost bumping up against his bulge. "Can I see it?"
He showed her then, pulling it out, and her eyes widened to complete circles. "Oh, man, I've got to try this. You don't mind, do you?" Before he could say either yes or no, she took it in her hand and then put the head of it in her mouth.
Dipper had to imagine how that felt. The closest he'd been come to replicate that sensation was the damp shower cloth, but he expected it would feel way more incredible. Then, this was a new twist to the fantasy, Mabel's voice was calling him, cheering him on, almost... "Dipper! Dipper, come quick!"
***
Wait, that was real. The fantasy popped like a balloon, and Dipper was back in the woods, and Mabel was still calling, distantly, at the edge of earshot, and it sounded urgent. That killed his erection... not the voice itself, but the worry that it might mean something had happened. It was stupid of him to let her go off alone. He pulled his shorts back up and ran towards the other big tree.
His sister kept calling, and he became convinced that it probably wasn't danger... she sounded excited and that she really wanted him there, but not like she was scared. But he couldn't be 100% sure, her voice had a naturally squeaky quality that made her sound adorable even when she was scared or sad. So he ran as fast as his little noodley legs could carry him, and, in the excitement, missed a tree root that stuck out from the ground. His foot snagged underneath it, and it sent him tumbling through some branches and into the clearing. He landed on his elbow and belly and his hat flew off.
There was Mabel, right in front of him. She seemed okay, better than he was... he was sure he'd cut himself a few times and skinned his knee when tumbling, and probably bruised the elbow there at the end. But Mabel distractedly helped him up and then pointed towards the big tree. "Look!"
That was when he saw them... the mushrooms. The exact mushrooms Stan drew, at the base of the tree. "Hey, you found the mushrooms!" he said, cheering up. He could survive a bruise, and this meant he could go home and have a chance of making that fantasy real. But then he noticed that the mushrooms weren't quite where Mabel was pointing... she was pointing at the long-faced white head bending down, a horse's head, but with a difference... it had a single ivory horn growing out of it. "Hey," Dipper said indignantly. "That unicorn's going to eat all the mushrooms!"
"Dipper," Mabel said with a wonder-filled sigh. "Think back on what you just said."
That was when it fell into place. "Hey, that's a unicorn!"
***
This would be a good place for a visual recap of our setting and characters, all set to a jaunty tune that sounds somewhat like it's being whistled. It would suggest, without actually saying, how these two twins were sent off to Gravity Falls, Oregon, to live and work at the Mystery Shack with their old great uncle (Grunkle) Stan for the summer, and probably give you a feel for the fact that there is a lot of mysterious phenomenon surrounding the town, secret codes, supernatural beings, things like that. But, seeing as this is prose, we'll just have to skip that, and take the opportunity to say, THIS IS GRAVITY FALLS FANFICTION, NOT ENDORSED BY ALEX HIRSCH WHO CREATED THE SHOW, OR DISNEY, WHO PRODUCES IT. It contains a lot of depraved sex and probably shouldn't be read by most of the show's audience, unless most of the show's audience turns out to be perverts over 18, in which case, this will be right up their alley. For the rest of the story, let's just pretend we're watching a specially commissioned "dirty" episode on a secret channel few people know exists. .sesu wohs eht epyt emas eht s'ti tub ,rehpyc a eb lliw erehT
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DISPLAY: The logo for the Club 33 Channel, which looks like the number 33 made out of two pairs of cartoon mouse ears...

VOICE-OVER: You're watching The Club 33 Channel, Disney's exclusive members only channel! Your exclusive adults-only "Gravity Falls" episode will be right back!
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Virgin on the Edge of Extinction