Mongoose Ahoy

BY : Ru-Shin
Category: +S through Z > South Park
Dragon prints: 3336
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Author's Note: This piece of shit is brought to in part by my brain, and the rest is due to lack of sleep. Also, this has no point.

Mongoose Ahoy

Life has an interesting way of screwing you over sometimes. No one knows this better than Kenny McCormick, South Park’s resident “Lazarus.”

Now, it is imperative to point out that no one is entirely sure how this young man has continued the miracle of existing. No matter how many times he dies, and no matter the cause of that death, he always returns and things resume their natural pace with no questions asked.

Some say that it is God’s will that he live, or that the Universe has chosen him for some grand purpose. This is all debatable and biased, considering the different views of life and souls and what have you, of course.

The fact that remains that Kenny will most likely die at any given moment, only to return unscathed the next…and that is where we start our story.


“Hey, man.” Stan greeted his orange clad friend as he sat down at the lunch table next to him. “Crazy about those giant radioactive ants, huh? Glad that’s over.”

Kenny nodded, making a muffled comment about the poison they excreted being hideously painful.

It went ignored as usual as Cartman and Kyle sat across the table from them.

“Dammit, Cartman! I didn’t take your stupid jelly!” The red head said agitatedly, gripping his fork a little too tightly.

“What jelly?” Stan asked curiously.

“My special chocolate pumpkin spice jelly! Kyle must’ve of taken it from my bag during gym class this morning!” The large boy said, pounding his fist onto the table. “Where’s my jelly, Kyle!”

“I didn’t take your jelly fat ass!”

Kenny muttered something about nightmares and ferrymen.

“Why would he even want your jelly, Cartman? It sounds disgusting.”

“It’s not disgusting, Stan! It’s my Mom’s special recipe and it is freakin’ awesome, god dammit!”

“Calm down, jeez! It’s just jelly!”

“Just jelly? JUST JELLY?!” Cartman tossed his apple at Stan’s head. “How about that, Stan! Don’t duck! It’s just an apple!”

Kyle pulled on Cartman’s arm, trying to keep him from throwing more food, as Stan yelled obscenities at the beefy teen in Kyle’s defense.

Kenny pulled down his hood and shook his blonde hair, though the strands remained tangled. He watched as his friends continued to bicker and tug at one another.

“Did you know there’s a waiting list in Hell?” He ventured off handedly as he poked at his mashed potatoes with his fork. “You take a number and then you sit and sit until they call you for your turn to be tortured.”

His mashed potatoes ended up in Kyle’s hair at some point. He moved on to poking at his green beans. “It’s odd really. You think “God, why won’t the wait fucking end!” And then it does and you wish you were back in the waiting room rotting with boredom.”

His green beans vanished and were shoved down Stan’s shirt. He pushed his pork chop around the plate disinterestedly. “The torture’s not the same every time though. They like getting creative with it.”

The pork chop ended up slapped on Cartman’s face and several teachers appeared and began to untangle his friends from their scuffle. He followed after them as they were led to the Principal’s office.

He sat in one of the chairs, his now long legs stretched out before him comfortably. “Especially with me. I don’t think they like seeing me show up anymore than I enjoy ending up there.” He continued as they were left alone to wait for the Principal.

“I can’t believe you started a fucking food fight, Cartman!” Kyle hissed, trying to get potatoes out of his puffy hair.

“You shouldn’t of taken my jelly, you stupid Jew!” Cartman retorted, pointing at the red head angrily.

“Augh! Would both of you just shut up?! We’re in enough trouble already.” Stanley remarked sulkily, slumping in his chair.

“I think the worst thing was when I was raped by Shakespeare...” Kenny continued contemplatively.

“Oh, dude! I totally have a Literature test today and I didn’t study for it!” Stan said, eyes wide as he sat up. “Shit!”

Cartman laughed spitefully and Kyle frowned, “I called and reminded you like two days ago, dude.”

Stan groaned and gazed out the window desolately. He squinted. “What’s that?” They all turned and looked as well.

“I think…I think it’s a mongoose.” And sure enough, it was a mongoose that came sailing through the window at ungodly speeds.

Kenny had only a moment to say “Fuck!” before the mongoose hit him straight in the face with enough force and momentum to cause him to fly backwards and through the wall.

The three friends all stared at the hole in the wall, eyes wide with shock.

“Well…” Cartman remarked after a moment of stunned silence. “I think your teacher will give you a few days grieving time, so you can study after all, Stan.”

End.



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