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Animated Joe Schmo	By : Waitohooru Category: +S through Z > South Park > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 2545 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoon(s) that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
WARNING! The following story has strong language and adult themes, and due to its content should not be read by anyone. Which means you'll probably read it anyway. Wait, didn't I just mention this in the Prologue?

[Shot of the front of the Drawn Together house.]
[Shot of Stan Marsh, from "South Park", in a camera confessional. His confessional has a dark blue background.]
STAN(CC): Can you imagine... me, an eight-year-old boy... as if the crap I had to put up with back in South Park wasn't bad enough... I get to share a house with eight weirdos! For example, there's Princess Clara...
[Shot of Princess Clara, in the hallway, crying.]
CLARA: Oh, I'm so sorry, Stan... I made a foolish mistake, and...
STAN: Yeah, I think so too. Didn't you know he's an asshole?
STAN(CC): She's hot, and she's sweet... but if you ask me, doesn't she seem a bit too... perfect?
[Shot of Clara in a camera confessional. This one has a light green background.]
CLARA(CC): When I heard that this young boy was from a small mountain town, I immediately knew he wasn't wealthy. But then I was thinking, maybe people in small mountain towns WOULD be wealthy if they didn't waste their money on beer and cigarettes all day.
STAN(CC): Then there's Foxxy Love...
[Shot of Foxxy Love finding a small sketchbook that was hidden underneath a jewelry box.]
STAN: Whoa, how did you know that was hidden there?
FOXXY: Oh, they don't call Foxxy a mystery-solvin' musician fo' nothin', chile!
STAN(CC): I know she's the only black one in the group, but she seems kinda cool. She reminds me of Chef...
[Shot of Foxxy in a camera confessional. This one has an orange background.]
FOXXY(CC): When the Animation Alliance done told me the show was gonna revolve around a little white boy, I was thinkin'... the sistah has to put up with THIS crap? But Foxxy Love does need the money, so it's all good...
STAN(CC): Spanky Ham...
[Shot of Spanky Ham at the front of the Drawn Together house. He is peeing on the front wall.]
STAN: Uh, dude, the house DOES have a bathroom.
SPANKY: I know that.
STAN(CC): Jesus, I thought Cartman was disgusting enough... Spanky's worse!
[Shot of Spanky in a camera confessional. This one has a pink background.]
SPANKY(CC): After the show, all my actions in the Drawn Together house are going right on the Internet... and with the salary that the AA is paying me, they're STAYING on the Internet! No organization will ever shut down the Spankster!
STAN(CC): Xandir...
[Shot of Xandir showing off his photo album to the houseguests.]
XANDIR: If I complete this, I swear I will be one step closer to getting 100%, and an S rating!
STAN[laughing]: Yeah, that'll be so cool... hang in there, dude!
STAN(CC): He's gay. And not gay as in, I hate him. He really is gay.
[Shot of Xandir in a camera confessional. This one has a red background.]
XANDIR(CC): Whoa, talk about a side quest... I have to spend about a week fooling some small child, making him think he's on a reality show! How many experience points will that give me? Ooh, I hope the Animation Alliance pays me enough gold so I can buy that cute piece of armor that's on sale at Skara Brae next month!
STAN(CC): Wooldoor Sockbat... how should I put this...
[Shot of Wooldoor, who is apparently the first one up in the morning. His frantic yelling is waking everyone up, including Stan.]
WOOLDOOR: It's morning! Yay, it's morning!!! YEEEEAH!!!
STAN[getting up]: Ugh... do you really need to tell EVERYONE that...?
STAN(CC): He seems to be permanently stuck in that little world of his... but hey, at least he doesn't say his own name over and over again.
[Shot of Wooldoor in a camera confessional. This one has a tan background.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): Wheee! Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I'm on TV! I'm going to make you so proud of me! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
STAN(CC): And Captain Hero...
[Shot of Captain Hero, on a stage, holding a steel construction beam in his hands. He uses his super-strength to bend the beam, and then break it in half.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
STAN(CC): He may be super-strong and all, but dude... he's a retard.
[Shot of Captain Hero in a camera confessional. This one has a brown background.]
CAPTAIN HERO(CC): Oh, I can't wait to fool this young boy! After the show, can I take him home with me? Huh? ...What?! I can't? Damn, this sucks...
STAN(CC): Toot Braunstein... hmm...
[Shot of Stan in the kitchen watching Toot Braunstein raid the refrigerator.]
STAN: Christ, how much more can you eat, dude?
TOOT: As much as it takes to get him to notice me!
STAN: Oookay...
STAN(CC): DAMN, that girl is fat. I mean, she's not as fat as Cartman, but she's still fat.
[Shot of Toot in a camera confessional. This one has a gray background.]
TOOT(CC): When the Animation Alliance picked me for this little experiment, they said they were going to give me a huge amount of money! I originally thought they said they were going to give me a huge amount of food... but a huge amount of money's still good, as I can use that to BUY a huge amount of food! Hee hee hee... toot!
STAN(CC): And Ling-Ling...
[Shot of Stan and Ling-Ling at the pool table. Ling-Ling is angry at Stan, and charges up some ball lightning.]
STAN: Okay, okay, I'll form an alliance with you! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
STAN(CC): I mean... he reminds me of a Chinpokomon, but... dude, mellow out! You're not going to make friends if you want to pick fights with everyone you meet, okay?
[Shot of Ling-Ling in a camera confessional. This one has a dark green background.]
LING-LING(CC): [in Japanese-like language, with subtitles] (Ling-Ling not only THINK American children are morons, Ling-Ling KNOW American children are morons! Fortunately, this one no different. Ling-Ling have upper hand in THIS battle!)
STAN(CC): [smiling] Oh, I'll be so glad when this show is over, because I can't wait to get away from THESE douchebags.
[Cut to the front of the Drawn Together house. The sky turns dark, and there are lightning flashes in the sky.]
* * *
[Shot of Stan Marsh.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): This is Stan Marsh, an 8-year-old boy from the hit television series "South Park".
[Shot of the front of the Drawn Together House. The Drawn Together logo is superimposed over it.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): For the next 8 days, he will, without knowing it, be the star of a reality show that he doesn't know is FAKE!
[Shot of the Drawn Together logo shattering into pieces.]
[Montage of the eight Drawn Together housemates.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): He thinks his housemates are characters from actual cartoon shows of the past and present, but what he doesn't know is that all of them were specifically created for a cartoon series called "Drawn Together", which he doesn't know actually exists. His housemates are...
[Shot of Princess Clara singing her heart out outside the swimming pool.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Princess Clara as "The Virgin"...
[Shot of Wooldoor Sockbat, being hyperactive as usual.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Wooldoor Sockbat as "The Freak"...
[Shot of Foxxy Love shakin' her booty while listening to the stereo.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Foxxy Love as "The Sistah"...
[Shot of Toot Braunstein doing her daily routine of cleaning out the fridge.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Toot Braunstein as "The Bitch"...
[Shot of Ling-Ling charging up energy for an upcoming battle.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Ling-Ling as "The Schemer"...
[Shot of Xandir practicing swinging his sword around.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Xandir as "The Gotta-Be-Gay Guy"...
[Shot of Spanky Ham peeing on a couch cushion.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Spanky Ham as "The Asshole"...
[Shot of Captain Hero lifting some weights.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Captain Hero as "The Jock"...
[Shot of Waitohooru, the host, in front of the Drawn Together House.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And me, Waitohooru, as "The Smarmy Host".
[Montage of various scenes from the series.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): How long will Stan last in the Drawn Together House without discovering the truth?
[Shot of Stan in the Drawn Together House, talking to someone.]
STAN: Dude, this is really f***ed up right here.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Find out, on the Animated Joe Schmo Show!
* * *
****************************
EPISODE 1: STANNED-UP COMEDY
****************************
* * *
[We cut to a shot of the interior of the Animation Alliance studios. The members of the Animation Alliance (Barb Bresnick, Manny Edwards, Mike Storch, Jane Black, Tom Wallace, Dave Wenzler, Artie Elker, Henry Andersen, and Tim Jacobson) are there, basically talking to each other, and with the eight members of the Drawn Together cast (who I just introduced in the opening credits).]
CAPTAIN HERO: Is he here yet?
MIKE: Oh, you mean Stan Marsh, our "Joe Schmo"? No, he's not here yet...
FOXXY: Uh, Captain, why do you care about him showing up?
CAPTAIN HERO: So I can... well, you know!
XANDIR: Um, like, I'm supposed to be the only gay guy on this show!
CLARA: Stan Marsh... wait a minute! He's that one boy, from "South Park"!
FOXXY: Don't be tellin' me you want to do you-know-what to a kid!
SPANKY: Yeah! That's MY job!
CAPTAIN HERO: So? I'm a superhero! I have super-powers! I can do whatever I want, missy!
[Foxxy rolls her eyes.]
WOOLDOOR[jumping up and down]: Ooh, I hope he gets here too! I'm so excited!
TOOT: [mocking Wooldoor] "Ooh, I hope he gets here! I'm so excited!" Who f***in' cares?! By the way, is there any ice cream around?
WOOLDOOR[licking his lips]: Yum! I just love ice cream!
* * *
[Shot of a limousine approaching the Drawn Together house. The limousine carries our Joe Schmo, Stan Marsh.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): It is an experiment that has never been done before. Okay, it HAS been done before, but not in fanfiction!
[Cut to a shot of Waitohooru, the host, standing outside the Drawn Together house.]
WAITOHOORU: Welcome to Animated Joe Schmo! I'm Waitohooru, the host. Over the next eight days you will see the life of an animated eight-year-old boy gradually transform into his personal hell. But then again, he had already gone through hell in his previous life, so truth be told, it's not much different than what he normally goes through.
* * *
[Cut to a flashback sequence of various young boys from various cartoon series.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): He is one of about one thousand young boys from the animated multiverse. The Animation Alliance tricked them into thinking that a show called "Drawn Together", named after an upcoming cartoon show which will air on Comedy Central and which will star our eight actors, was going to be an actual reality series and that they were signing up to be contestants. Some were... rather interesting...
[Cut to a shot of Barb Bresnick interviewing Dil Pickles from "All Grown Up". He is standing on a big blue ball, holding a spoon in each hand. He is also wearing a kilt, for some reason, and he is reciting the alphabet... backwards.]
BARB: Wow, that's impressive! Who taught you how to do that? Your parents?
DIL: To tell you the truth, the aliens taught me!
BARB: Yeah, and which "aliens" are you referring to?
DIL: You know... the aliens? From up there? Where were YOU when they tutored me for those five grueling months?
BARB: I... I shouldn't have asked...
DIL: Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have. Those aliens can be so demanding! I mean, they think the whole universe revolves around THEM!
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Manny Edwards interviewing Colin, a kid who appears from time to time in episodes of "Animaniacs". You know, the one who always talks about this "Randy Beeman" dude.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And some... were boring.
COLIN: And then, this one time, me and Randy Beeman went to the arcade and we wanted to try out this new fighting game, and I tried to put a quarter into the slot, and the machine kept spitting it out, and I kept putting the quarter in, and it kept coming out, and I asked why, and Randy Beeman told me the machine only accepted dimes.
[Silence.]
MANNY: Uh, that was... dull.
[Silence.]
COLIN: Okay, bye.
[Colin leaves the studio the same way he came in.]
MANNY: Wait, come back! I want to know who Randy Beeman is!
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Jane Black interviewing Stewie Griffin, the baby with the mind of a madman, from "Family Guy".]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And some... were just plain creepy.
STEWIE: And if I win Drawn Together, all of you will BOW before me! And then you will KNEEL before me! Or you can kneel first, and then bow... as long as you do both!
JANE[in cutesy talk]: Ooh, what a cute widdle baby!
[Jane goes over to Stewie and pinches his cheek.]
STEWIE: Ow!
JANE: Does someone want their diaper changed, huh?
[Jane holds Stewie in her arms, and grasps her tight.]
JANE: Now, sit still while Aunt Janey reads you a story!
STEWIE: You WILL unhand me this instant, you damnéd bitch!
JANE: Ooh, someone needs to have their mouth washed out with soap! Naughty baby!
[Jane holds a hand out, and spanks Stewie's bottom with it.]
STEWIE: Quit paddling me with your nasty fingers! Don't you remember where they've been, woman? ...That's right, you don't. After you slept with... that guy last night, you went on a bender this morning, and lost your memory. Well, I'm not surprised. I can hardly wait for the day you go back to hell, you vile succubus...
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Tom Wallace interviewing our Joe Schmo, Stan Marsh, from "South Park".]
WAITOHOORU(VO): But our Joe Schmo is a boy who has dealt with an ACTUAL vile succubus... and a robotic Barbra Streisand, AND a crazed Trapper Keeper, AND zombies, AND mutant turkeys, AND Osama bin Laden!
TOM: And what is your name, young boy?
STAN: My name is Stan Marsh, and I'm from South Park, Colorado. I signed up for this show, because I could really use the money, since I want to use it to get my abusive older sister away from me, since she really pisses me off.
TOM: And what is your sister's name?
STAN: Shelley.
TOM: Shelley, huh?
STAN: Yeah, she has a mean temper, and she wears braces on her teeth. Believe me, you do NOT want to mess with HER.
TOM: I'll make a note of that...
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Stan in his house in South Park, days before Tom interviewed him. Stan's sister, Shelley, is also in the shot, much to Stan's chagrin.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan Marsh was just your typical eight-year-old boy.
[Zoom in on Stan's parents.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): He lives in a typical house with his two parents. His father, Randy Marsh is a geologist, and his mother... well, to tell the truth, we still don't know exactly what Sharon does for a living.
[Zoom in on Shelley.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And this is Shelley, his sister. Talk about a bitch... this girl is -
[Shelley suddenly looks at the camera staring at her.]
SHELLEY: Hey! What the hell didja call me, you turd?
[Zoom out to see that Shelley is actually talking to Stan.]
STAN: Whoa, wait a minute! I wasn't the one calling you a bitch!
SHELLEY: See there? You just called me a bitch again! Don't you ever call me that again, understand, TURD-key Sandwich?
STAN: You should talk! You're always calling me a turd!
[Shelley is really pissed. And I don't mean she's drunk...]
SHELLEY: Okay! You asked for it, Left TURD Only!
[Shelley picks up Stan and throws him against one of the walls of the living room, causing some blood to gush out his head.]
* * *
[Cut to another flashback scene, this time with Stan talking to his 100+-year old grandfather.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Oh, and he has a grandfather, one who has lived past the 100-year mark.
STAN'S GRANDPA: You're gonna be on Drawn Together, huh, Billy?
STAN: That's right, and don't call me Billy, grandpa!
STAN'S GRANDPA: Listen to me... if you win the money, I want you to use that money to buy something that'll kill me, Billy!
STAN: Sick, dude! For the last time, I'm not gonna kill you, okay?
STAN'S GRANDPA: Kill me, goddammit!
SHARON(OS): Grandpa, please watch your language in front of Stan!
STAN'S GRANDPA: His name's Billy!
RANDY(OS): We don't care, just do what we tell you, okay?
STAN: Yeah! You tell him!
STAN'S GRANDPA[grudgingly]: Okay, I'm sorry... [under his breath] Goddammit...
* * *
[Cut to yet another flashback scene, this time, with Stan and his three pals, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And you know his three friends... Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick.
KYLE[to Stan]: They picked you to be on a show called Drawn Together? Sweet, dude!
CARTMAN[to Stan]: I'm glad they picked you and not Kyle, because they don't allow Jews to participate.
KYLE[to Cartman]: Yes, they do, you dumbass! Don't you remember? We were on Animation Survivor!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah... I remember being the first voted off, because you used your Jew hypnosis to get everyone to vote your goddamn Jew way!
KYLE: There's no such thing as Jew hypnosis, retard!
CARTMAN: Oh really? Then how come about 101% of all hypnotists are Jewish, huh? Explain THAT!
KYLE: First, Cartman, 101% is more than 100%, and second...
[While Cartman and Kyle are arguing, a piano drops from the sky, and squishes poor Kenny flat.]
STAN: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
* * *
[Shot of Stan in the fourth-grade class of South Park Elementary. He is with the other fourth-graders (minus the now-deceased Kenny). His teacher is, of course, Mr. Garrison, and he is with his gay partner Mr. Slave.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): But nothing Stan learned in South Park Elementary...
MR. GARRISON: Okay, class, now who can tell us which American President completely screwed up our nation from 1807 to 1815?
[Clyde, one of the students, raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Uh... Calvin Coolidge?
MR. GARRISON[annoyed]: Wrong, dumbass! Calvin Coolidge completely screwed up our nation from 1923 to 1929!
CARTMAN[laughing]: Ha, ha! Clyde's a dumbass!
[Clyde fumes.]
MR. GARRISON: I have never seen such ass-backwards stupidity in my classroom! Just for that, you need to be disciplined!
[Mr. Garrison picks up a paddle...]
CLYDE: No, Mr. Garrison! I'll be good, honest!
[...and uses it to spank... Mr. Slave!]
MR. SLAVE: Ooooh!
MR. GARRISON: Maybe this ought to teach you what happens to retards!
MR. SLAVE: Ooh! Jethuth Chritht! Ohhhhhhhhh!!
[Stan watches all of this from his desk. His eyes open in shock...]
STAN: God damn...!
WAITOHOORU(VO): ...could ever have prepared him for what he's about to experience!
*
*
*
* * *
************
CAST MEETING
************
[Cut back to the cast, along with several members of the Animation Alliance, in a trailer somewhere near the Drawn Together house.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): At the beginning of each episode, the cast meets up with the Animation Alliance to hold clandestine trysts, or "cast meetings" if you will. The AA will brief the cast on what to do, and what not to do, in order for the beautiful story - written by yours truly - to run smoothly.
HENRY: Okay, now remember, it's the first day. You have never met Stan Marsh before, and he has never met any of you. Make sure you stick to the script, but don't go over the top. Go easy on him, otherwise, he might become suspicious of all of you.
TOM: That's right, we spent a lot of money on this project, and we can't afford to have any major mistakes! MINOR mistakes are okay, however, but MAJOR mistakes... can't afford to have 'em.
HENRY: Okay, now are there any questions?
[Wooldoor raises his hand.]
WOOLDOOR: Ooh, I have one!
HENRY: Yes, Wooldoor?
WOOLDOOR: Can I be excused from P.E. class?
[Silence.]
WOOLDOOR: You see, because... I have this rash that's been going around lately, and my parents told me it's not safe to go to P.E. class in my condition.
[Silence.]
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Wheeeeee!
HENRY: All right, are there any REAL questions?
[Clara raises her hand.]
HENRY: Yes, you, Clara.
CLARA: First, why should we put on this act for him? Wouldn't we end up reducing ourselves to the level of the deceptive Israelis?
[Silence.]
CLARA: And second, what is P.E. class?
ARTIE: Well, to answer your first question, you put on this act for him so you can get PAID, understand? You know, with money! Each of you will get $100,000, just like Stan's going to, okay?
FOXXY[excited]: Really? Each of us gone get a hundred Gs? That means Foxxy can actually afford to buy lotsa thangs she couldn't afford befo'... y'know, like bread and milk and earrings and clothes and all that sh**!
WOOLDOOR[shocked]: Foxxy! You actually want to BUY sh**? I mean, you can easily make it yourself with your own butt, and save money THAT way!
FOXXY: Wooldoor, is you crazy?! That ain't the kinda sh** Foxxy want to buy!
SPANKY: I'LL buy it!
TOOT[sotto]: You would.
SPANKY: And I'll sell it on eBay while I'm at it!
BARB[shaking her head]: Oh great... the first animated reality show just HAD to be an M-rated one... Waitohooru, we need to talk...
* * *
[Cut back to the shot of the limousine carrying Stan to the Drawn Together house. The limousine stops in front of the house, and the driver lets Stan off.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): The game, or what passes for one, is about to begin. Stan is lucky to be the first one arriving at the Drawn Together house... but that's where his luck ends, as the Drawn Together house is closed shut, just like Saddam Hussein's lips.
[Stan gets outside of the limo and gazes at the awesomeness and kickassitude of the Drawn Together house.]
STAN: Whoa, this house is huge! It's almost as big as Cartman's ass!
[Stan approaches the big ol' door, and finds that that mutha is locked. He then notices that the flag on the mailbox is up. He runs over to the mailbox, and opens the mailbox just like Rosie O'Donnell opens cartons of ice cream. He finds a manila envelope inside, and opens it. He reads the piece of paper inside with Ed McMahon's picture on it.]
STAN[reading the piece of paper]: "Congratulations, you may have already won a million dollars"... oh, for Christ's sake, not one of THESE again!
[Stan tosses the piece of paper aside, and checks the mailbox again. This time he finds a note. He takes it out, and reads it.]
STAN[reading the note]: "Welcome to Drawn Together! If you are reading this, you noticed the door was locked." [stops reading] Well, duh! [continues reading] "One of your housemates has the key to the front door, and you will have to wait for him or her... or it to arrive." So I guess... I have to wait.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan doesn't have to wait long, as the first of the eight Drawn Together characters is about to show up.
[Shot of another limousine arriving at the Drawn Together house. It is carrying Foxxy Love, wearing her trademark orange "musical mystery-solver outfit", complete with tambourine, fox ears, and tail. The limousine arrives, and Foxxy immediately gets outside.]
FOXXY(CC): I'm Foxxy Love, y'all! The Animation Alliance put me here 'cause there be some unwritten law that EVERY reality TV show, be it real, fake, real fake, fake real, animated, real animated, fake animated, or real fake animated, must ALWAYS provide at least one helpin' of sweet dark chocolate! And if there ain't no law, there SHOULD be, beeyotch!
FOXXY: Bling-bling! Foxxy's in da house!
[Foxxy tries to open the door, but, like Stan, she can't open it.]
FOXXY: I mean... Foxxy NOT in da house.
STAN: Uh, the door's locked, dude. I tried. I guess you didn't bring the key, huh?
FOXXY: Key? What key?
[Stan shows Foxxy the note he found.]
FOXXY: There s'pos'ta be a key? Dang, this jes' like at our first band rehearsal...
[Foxxy shakes hands with Stan.]
STAN: By the way, I'm Stan Marsh. I'm from a show called "South Park".
FOXXY: I be Foxxy Love. I from a show called "The Foxxy Five", but you mighta not heard nuthin' of it, since it all from the seventies.
STAN: Yeah, it might've been one of those shows my parents watched but, I'll have to ask them once this is over if it is!
FOXXY: Yeah, chile... anyway, in that show, I be the lead singer of the Foxxy Five, and wield a swingin' tambourine like you ain't seen!
STAN: Whoa...
FOXXY(CC): I told Stan my "Foxxy Five" story, and DAY-um, he fell fo' it!
FOXXY: And you from South Park, huh?
STAN: Yup.
FOXXY: Foxxy never DID like how they made fun of us blacks...
STAN: It's like that, so you'll get used to it after a while.
[While Foxxy and Stan are talking, the next "housemate" flies toward the two of them. He is Captain Hero.]
STAN: Whoa, what is that?
FOXXY: It's a bird!
STAN: It's a plane!
[Captain Hero has landed next to Foxxy and Stan.]
FOXXY: It's... some guy with a funky-lookin' letta H on his costume!
CAPTAIN HERO: Hi, guys.
STAN: Hi.
CAPTAIN HERO(CC): I'm Captain Hero, and the Animation Alliance picked me because they needed someone to fill the "muscular guy" role... well, if they think I'm going to play along just because I have these big muscles... then they're right.
[Captain Hero shakes hands with Stan and Foxxy.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Pleasure to meet you! My name's Captain Hero!
FOXXY: I be Foxxy.
STAN: Stan. By the way, dude... you are totally ripped!
CAPTAIN HERO: Thank you, my friend!
STAN: Do you take steroids?
[Captain Hero laughs.]
CAPTAIN HERO(CC): Stan said something to me that was very funny! He said [in mocking voice] "Do you take steroids?". Silly boy! I don't use steroids! I also don't use condoms, but that's another story...
FOXXY[to Captain Hero]: I gots another question - you have the key? Foxxy can't chill in the crib if she ain't IN the crib, boyee!
STAN: Yeah, this note says that the door can only be opened by whoever has the key.
CAPTAIN HERO: Uh... sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not the one with the key.
FOXXY: What?!
CAPTAIN HERO: I mean, what kind of show is this, where they don't trust the well-respected superhero with the key? It's like denying an elderly lady her own underwear! Believe me, you don't want to see her sagging breasts after THAT happens.
STAN: You saw it before?
CAPTAIN HERO[admittedly]: Yeah, because this one time, I thought she was... you know, my arch-nemesis in a cheesy disguise...
FOXXY[suspicious]: Uh-huh...
CAPTAIN HERO: I was drunk, okay? After that incident, I vowed never to let that happen again!
[At that point, the next guest arrives on a flying dragon - no relation to Descendant Of The Dragon. This houseguest is Xandir.]
STAN: Holy sh**, dude!
FOXXY: A flyin' dragon? Now Foxxy seen everythang!
CAPTAIN HERO[crying]: You've seen more than ME? You're really lowering my self-esteem, woman!
[The dragon lands, dropping Xandir off. After Xandir departs, the dragon returns to from whence it came... where it will then receive its paltry day-player salary.]
XANDIR(CC): Xandir here! I get double duty on this project, as not only am I the obligatory video game character, but also the obligatory gay character! Isn't that totally fabulous? ...What, you don't think so? Well, I'm here, and I'm queer, so get used to it!
STAN: Dude, what a sweet-ass entrance!
XANDIR[giggling]: Thanks, little boy! My name is Xandir.
STAN: I'm Stan.
CAPTAIN HERO: I am Captain Hero.
FOXXY: And I be Foxxy Love!
STAN[looking at Xandir's armor]: Dude... you dress really weird.
XANDIR: Oh, I'm from a video game, The Legend of Xandir... have you heard of it?
STAN: Uh, no, I haven't. I've played the Okama Gamesphere, and if I have heard of it, I would have gone to Luau Toys and purchased it.
XANDIR: Oh, I figured you might not have heard of it, it was on one of those really old consoles back in the mid-80's... Anyway, what are you three doing outside?
CAPTAIN HERO: We can't get in because we don't have the key. A-duh!
STAN: Do you have the key?
XANDIR: No, I don't have one on me! Sorry!
CAPTAIN HERO: What? Don't video game characters like you carry a whole bunch of keys around?
XANDIR: Oh, those things were so cluttering up my inventory, I put them in storage! What was I thinking? [singsong voice] Stu-piiiid!
FOXXY: You mean... one of those could have been the key that opens this here door?
STAN: Yeah, the note says that the Animation Alliance would give someone the key to this door.
XANDIR: Oh, they did? Well, I didn't see them give me the key... they must have given it to someone else... I guess that person obviously beat me to an important subquest. I *knew* I should have talked to everyone more than once today!
STAN: Yyyyeah... by the way, dude, can I ask you a question?
XANDIR: Ask away!
STAN: Um... are you... gay?
XANDIR: WHAT?!
STAN: Because even if you're not, you certainly act like you are...
XANDIR(CC): Stan completely outed me, when he asked if I was gay. And of course, it's true, since you don't need Pennington the Penguin to solve THIS mystery! Believe me, that guy can't even tell Mario and Luigi apart...
XANDIR: Well then, what makes you think that I would possibly be gay?
STAN: Well, the way you talk, it sounds like you are, because, in my opinion, straight men don't usually talk like that...
XANDIR: So, you've probably seen some gay people before, hm?
STAN: Yeah, my teacher, Mr. Garrison, he's definitely gay.
XANDIR: How old is he?
STAN: Um, I think he's about 40...
XANDIR: Sorry, too old for me! After one night with him, the next morning I'll be on a quest to "save the princess"!
STAN: How old are you?
XANDIR: Oh, I'm 19. Don't worry, I'm not going to make love to YOU or anything if you don't want me to... I'm not THAT disgusting!
CAPTAIN HERO[to Xandir]: Well, if YOU don't want him, can *I* have him?
STAN[shocked]: What?! Sick, dude! What kind of superhero are you?
CAPTAIN HERO: I was just wondering if you...
[Stan hides behind a shrub just in front of the Drawn Together house. But then, when the fourth whore - I mean housemate arrives in a limousine, he immediately jumps out to meet him. This cast member is Wooldoor Sockbat. The door of the limousine opens, and Wooldoor is immediately led out.]
WOOLDOOR[singing]: Fifteen bottles of beer on the wall, fifteen bottles of beer...
LIMO DRIVER: Phew... well, that's it. Luckily I will no longer have to listen to that stupid song he was singing for the entire damn trip!
XANDIR: He was singing "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall", right?
LIMO DRIVER: No, it was "NINE HUNDRED Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!
WOOLDOOR: Yay, my favorite song! Let's sing it together!
FOXXY[placing a hand in front of Wooldoor's face]: Hell no!
WOOLDOOR[placing a hand in front of Foxxy's face]: Well, hello to you, too!
WOOLDOOR(CC): The one and only Wooldoor Sockbat is here! The Animation Alliance told me that my character is supposed to be some hyperactive, annoying freak of nature who hasn't had enough Ritalin. I don't know what Ritalin is, but I do hope it's a new flavor of ice cream! Wheeeeee!
[The limousine driver immediately drives the limousine off... probably to go home and stick cotton swabs in his ears or something. Or maybe some cotton balls, or anything else with cotton in it.]
WOOLDOOR: Wheeeeeee! Hello, everybody! My name is Wooldoor Sockbat, you know from that Saturday morning series, "Wooldoor Sockbat and Friends"?
STAN: Sorry, dude, I usually watch "Terrance and Phillip".
CAPTAIN HERO[excited]: "Wooldoor Sockbat and Friends"? I love that series!
FOXXY[sarcastically]: Mm-hmm.
WOOLDOOR: I can't wait to see what cool games there are in the house!
[Wooldoor immediately heads for the non-wool door.]
STAN: Uh, dude, the door's...
[Wooldoor, like the others, tries to open the door, but in vain.]
WOOLDOOR: Aw, man! Who locked the door on me? That's mean!
FOXXY: Lemme guess, you don't got no key either?
WOOLDOOR: Oh, I have plenty of keys - 88 of them, to be exact!
[Wooldoor pulls a piano out of piano space. Just like his genre to have a storage space for virtually every item imaginable - some which I won't list because I don't want the script to get any dirtier than it already is.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Dude, that's not how you hold a piano... let ME show you how it's done, my friend!
[Captain Hero takes the piano from Wooldoor, and lifts it high into the air.]
WOOLDOOR: As long as we're still outside, let's play some music while we wait!
[Wooldoor spins the piano stool high enough to match the level of the piano that Captain Hero is still holding. Wooldoor then sits on the stool, and then starts playing.]
WOOLDOOR[singing]: Oh, nine-hundred ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine-hundred ninety-nine bottles of beer...
[His annoying singing will make you wish William Hung was here... or at least Wanda Shirk. Foxxy covers her ears (her actual ears, not the fox-ears on her cap), and Stan covers his.]
XANDIR: This could take a while...
* * *
[Some time passes, and the five houseguests are STILL outside, since one of the other four has the key. Could it be the next guest coming in on a limousine?]
WOOLDOOR[singing]: Eight-hundred fifty-two bottles of beer on the wall...
FOXXY[crossing her fingers]: Please, lawd, be the one who has the key!
[Out of the limousine emerges a pink pig wearing a red sweater and brown pants. If you've seen Drawn Together, you'd recognize him as Spanky Ham.]
SPANKY(CC): Spanky Ham here, and you know what... I'm a bit pissed off at the description the Animation Alliance gave me. I mean, they described me as some kind of jerk who does rude, nasty, and unspeakable acts... can you imagine that? Well then, if committing rude, nasty, and unspeakable acts is wrong, I don't wanna be right. You gotta problem with that, then say it to my pink pigtailed ass.
SPANKY: Did someone mention bottles of beer?
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah, you know, that WOULD sound really good...
SPANKY: Yeah, yeah, enough talk. When are we gonna get in? I need to take a crap, and I can't hold it in much longer, let me tell ya!
STAN: Dude, that's just gross!
FOXXY[rolling her eyes]: Well, unless you gots the key, you be holdin' that mama in fo' a long time!
SPANKY: Well, I guess... I be holdin' that mama in for a long time, then.
STAN[rolling his eyes]: YOU don't have the key either?
SPANKY: Yeah, and I can't believe the A.A. doesn't trust this All-American 100% kosher pig with a key! Name's Spanky Ham, by the way.
[Spanky shakes hands with Stan, and Stan immediately jerks out when he realizes...]
STAN: Dude! Where the f*** has your hand BEEN?!
[Stan places his coat over his nose.]
SPANKY: Oh, it's been clickin' on various sites with hot naked chicks... particularly the ones with lots of three-way lesbo action! But, since you're, like, eight, I bet your parents probably won't let you go there! Yeah, you don't know what you're missin'...
STAN: No, I mean... your hand SMELLS!
SPANKY: Oh, that. Well, I masturbated on the whole ride here. I mean, doesn't everybody?
STAN: Au... augh!
STAN(CC): Spanky Ham is a real dick... I mean, he talks about masturbation and naked women and lesbians... children like me shouldn't be exposed to this crap. God, I hope someone kicks this asshole out, because I don't like him.
[Spanky reaches his hand out to shake Foxxy's hand, and Foxxy exhibits the same reflex that Stan exhibited.]
FOXXY: Ewww! Why you try to touch Foxxy with yo' nasty stank-hand anyway?
SPANKY: Them's the breaks, sister. You've gotta put up with Spanky Ham for eight days, so learn it, live it, and love it.
FOXXY: The hell I will!
SPANKY: And another thing, how come I've only seen ONE hot girl so far? Bring on the other babes!
CAPTAIN HERO: The pig's right! Bring on the hot babes!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah! Bring on the hot braids... whatever those are. [excited] Wheeee!
[The next guest arrives in a fancy carriage that looks as if it wandered off the set of a Disney movie --- if carriages could wander, that is. Anyway, the next houseguest IS a hot babe, and she's also Princess Clara.]
[As Princess Clara steps out of the carriage, the faces of Spanky, Captain Hero, and Wooldoor immediately morph into wolf faces, as they start howling on Clara's arrival. Xandir doesn't howl with them, since he's gay (or at least, he's scripted to be gay). Stan just waves at Clara, and Foxxy does too.]
CLARA(CC): How do you do? My name is Princess Clara. I'm a princess from a faraway kingdom. Those poor people at the Animation Alliance seem to think I'm some sheltered girl who racially insults people she doesn't even know! Oh my god, I do believe that is defamation! I mean, are the people at the Animation Alliance really Jewish or what?
CLARA: It's certainly a pleasure to meet all of you... but first, can I ask you a question... are any of you rich?
STAN: Uh, no, we're not. I'm from a small mountain town in South Park.
FOXXY: And I jus' a po' black girl.
XANDIR: Well, I am rich... that is, if you call defeating monsters and then looting their icky corpses for gold coins rich...
CLARA: That's nice. By the way, I am Princess Clara. Now, is just me, or are all of you outside this lovely house for a reason? Is it because you can't afford a place to live, and you have to spend those cold nights sleeping on the street corner?
FOXXY[under her breath]: How did YOU know...
CLARA: Please tell me that's not true! I don't want you to die of pneumonia, or typhoid, or scurvy, or herpes, or gonorrhea or whatever diseases you people get!
STAN: We're not going to sleep on the street, okay? We're going to go inside as soon as we get the key... by the way, do you have it?
CAPTAIN HERO: Please say you do, ma'am!
CLARA[sad]: Oh, I really wish I could save all of you poor souls, but I have not the key. The Animation Alliance probably gave it to some peasant who thinks the key is some type of jewelry, and will probably try to wear it as a necklace without discovering its actual use until the day he dies and gets sent to Hell for misusing the key.
[Silence.]
CLARA: What?
FOXXY: Girl, I don't think the AA gone give the key to some retard, okay?
WOOLDOOR[crying]: I still wish the AA would've given it to me...
[All of a sudden, the group of seven sees the sky mysteriously change color... lots of color in fact, until it starts flashing rapidly, like a seizure.]
STAN: Whoa, I don't like the looks of this!
SPANKY: Now I *really* want to take a crap more than ever!
[A black hole emerges from the seizure-inducing sky, and out of the black hole emerges Ling-Ling, the orange-colored Pokémon reject.]
LING-LING(CC): [in Japanese-like language, with subtitles] (Yes, it is Ling-Ling. Now, more than ever, Ling-Ling disappointed with Americans, particularly Animation Alliance. They write Ling-Ling as sneaky, scheming, hell-bent psychopath focused only on world domination. Ling-Ling could kill them all now and get over with, but Ling-Ling play along anyway just for laughs.)
STAN: Oh god, what the f*** is that?
LING-LING: (Oh god, what the f*** is that? Seven pathetic cartoon characters just wanting to die? Your wishes have been answered, then, because Ling-Ling has arrived to send you all to Hell for eight days!)
[Clara picks Ling-Ling up in her arms and pets his head.]
CLARA: Oh, what a kee-YUTE widdle creature you are! Yes, you're so cute... unless you have rabies or worms, then you're no longer cute anymore. But for now, you're so cute!
LING-LING[screaming]: (Put Ling-Ling down, bitch! Ling-Ling power weakening, and it all YOUR fault!)
[Ling-Ling wrestles his way out of Clara's grasp, and tries to bite Clara's arm.]
CLARA: Ouch! That's awfully mean of you! I'm going to get rabies now, because of you!
[Ling-Ling is let free from Clara's arms, and lands next to her feet. Ling-Ling crosses his arms, and glares daggers at the other seven.]
LING-LING: (This remind you... no one cross Ling-Ling and get away with life.)
SPANKY: Christ, speak English, I can't understand what the hell you're saying!
STAN: Well, he does say "Ling-Ling" a lot, so I think his name is... "Ling-Ling"?
LING-LING[smiling]: (Hmm... child not as dumb as Ling-Ling think he is. But still dumb. Buuut, Ling-Ling not want to argue with child, because, after all, Ling-Ling have SOME standard...)
STAN: Oh, you are. My name's Stan Marsh.
[Stan shakes hands with Ling-Ling.]
LING-LING: Ling-Ling.
STAN: Dude, you look familiar... are you a Chinpokomon or what?
[Ling-Ling is shocked.]
LING-LING(CC): (Ling-Ling shocked. Ling-Ling not know what Stan's "Chinpokomon" is... then again, Ling-Ling not WANT to know what "Chinpokomon" is.)
LING-LING[nodding]: (Why... yes, Ling-Ling is... Chinpokomon.)
STAN: Oh, you are? I've never seen you before.
LING-LING: (That's... because Ling-Ling from later season!)
[Note: Ling-Ling says "later season" in English. Or Engrish, whichever word you prefer. It would sound like "letter she zone", which would sound like a surreal Japanese porn flick.]
STAN: Oh. NOW *I* understand...
SPANKY[rolling his eyes]: Oh, puh-lease! You actually UNDERSTOOD that Asian gibberish?! Well, if you DO, then tell him to give us the key!
STAN[to Ling-Ling]: Uh, Ling-Ling, I think the pig dude wants you to give us the key.
[Ling-Ling shakes his head no.]
STAN[freaked out]: YOU don't have the key either?!
LING-LING: [sighs] (What is WITH Americans, not giving key to Ling-Ling... even after Ling-Ling set their bodies on fire, zap them with lightning, freeze them in ice... and set their bodies on fire again? That just not fair...)
CLARA[to Xandir]: What did he say?
XANDIR: I think he said, "She sells seashells by the seashore". But then again, maybe he didn't.
WOOLDOOR: Wait a minute! I need to check something!
[Wooldoor immediately searches Ling-Ling's "anime space", a cliche for some type of storage space that anime characters usually have. Wooldoor pulls out a hammer, an anvil, some type of fish, some type of Japanese board game (I think it was the game of Go), a set of five ninja stars, and a large, rainbow-colored jewel. But no key.]
WOOLDOOR: Still no key?! Darn! I thought that would work!
[Ling-Ling is pissed off now. And anime fans across the globe ALL know he's pissed off by the throbbing vein in his forehead.]
LING-LING[pissed off]: (And now you ruin storage space, thank you very much!)
CAPTAIN HERO[picking up the fish]: Hey, look, guys, I found Nemo!
XANDIR: Uh, that's... great.
SPANKY: Um, I hate to break up the Asian worship, but when's the final houseguest gonna get here? Doesn't that houseguest know the importance of emptying one's bowels into a toilet?
[Stan immediately shrugs his head.]
STAN[shaking his head]: I hope the other housemate gets here soon... I'm pissed off more than ever...
* * *
WAITOHOORU(VO): And so, for a long time on Day 1, the gang of eight waited. And waited. And waited some more. Until finally...
[The limousine carrying the ninth and final contestant has arrived. Drawn Together fans can easily deduce this contestant is Toot Braunstein.]
FOXXY[excited]: Oh, Lawd, THANK you! Foxxy always believed in you!
[Toot Braunstein exits the limousine, and greets the eight houseguests who are STILL outside the Drawn Together house.]
TOOT(CC): And last, but not least, is the very sexy Toot Braunstein! But just "Toot" will do. Yeah, I know the Animation Alliance wrote me as some fat bitch who can't always get her way, but I'm going to surprise them all! I'm just going to be myself, and EVERYONE will pay attention to me! They pretty much have to at this point, because I won't give them any other choice.
TOOT: Well, how are you people doing?
FOXXY: Not so good... we STILL can't get inside!
TOOT: But at least there's an upside to this... [sexy voice] you now have ME, the lovely Toot Braunstein!
[Toot flashes her sagging black-and-white breasts in front of the other houseguests, and Stan REALLY freaks out.]
STAN[shielding his eyes]: Aaaaaahhhh!
TOOT: What's the matter, boy? You act like you've never seen a real woman before!
FOXXY: Oh, PLEASE tell us you gots the key so we can get in, huh?
TOOT[innocently]: Why, what key is it you are referring to? I don't know a thing!
STAN[pissed off]: Oh, for God's sake!
[Stan shows the note to Toot.]
STAN: You see, the note says that one of the housemates has the key to the front door! And since you're the only housemate remaining, I assume you automatically have it! So hand it over, bitch!
SPANKY: Yeah, hand it over, bitch!
[Toot is a bit upset, and cries her eyes out.]
STAN: What's wrong, dude?
TOOT[crying]: I... I ate the key, okay?
STAN[really, REALLY freaked out]: WHAT?!?!?!!
TOOT(CC): According to the script, I, the last houseguest to arrive, was supposed to have the key. And the AA said it would freak Stan out if he found out that I allegedly ate this nonexistent key, and he really did freak out. The look on his face was priceless! [giggling] Hee hee hee, toot!
TOOT[still crying]: Yes, it's true. Before the show, the Animation Alliance sequestered me in a hotel room, and gave me a basket filled with chocolate candy, because I asked them oh so nicely if they would give me some!
[The other eight glare daggers at Toot, as if they don't believe her story. Hell, I doubt even Toot believes the crazy story written for her!]
TOOT: Okay, I kept yelling and yelling at them! But still, they gave it to me, and then they gave me a gold shiny keylike object, and they told me that [in butch voice] "This is for YOU, and only for you, and we're entrusting it to you, and when you get to the Drawn Together house, you know what to do with it, right?". And then, because I thought it was a chocolate key with gold wrapping on it, I... swallowed the whole thing! In one gulp!
[Silence.]
TOOT[nervous]: I... guess you all hate me now... can't we all just get along?
FOXXY: Oh, hell naw! You ate our damn key, bitch!
CAPTAIN HERO: I knew it! Toot is the Mole!
FOXXY[to Captain Hero]: Uh, wrong show, Hero.
CAPTAIN HERO: Sorry.
STAN(CC): I should have been in the house by now, but I can't because Toot had to go swallow the key... Hmm, I wonder if someone can possibly be called both a fatass and a dumbass... ...oh that's right... Cartman! Silly me, I forgot about him! And hopefully, I can continue to forget about him...
SPANKY[rolling his eyes]: Oh, great... NOW how am I going to go to the bathroom when I can't even go to the friggin' bathroom?
CAPTAIN HERO[smiling]: Wait... I've got a super idea! [to Xandir] Elf guy, use your sword to slice down the door! You know, like that Chinese kid Li did in Roomies?
XANDIR[apprehensive]: Uh... I don't think that's a good idea to use the sword here... I totally don't want to get kicked out for breaking a rule!
[Ling-Ling, very pissed off, curses in his native language, and charges up some ball lightning in Xandir's direction.]
XANDIR: Okay, okay! I'll do it! But only because it's my job as a video game adventurer to help innocent people in need.
[Xandir pulls his sword out of his sheath. He raises the sword about a foot from his face, and stares at both the door and the sword at the same time. He tries to concentrate, when Spanky interrupts him.]
SPANKY: Wooo, nice sword! It's so big and so sharp! I bet you probably use it to slice things, huh? I wish I had a beauty like that, instead of this eight-inch knife I have in my pocket...
XANDIR[to Spanky]: Please, enough with the penis jokes! You're starting to hurt me, and it's throwing off my chi!
SPANKY: Funny, it makes ME want to throw off my pants! ...But go ahead.
[Xandir continues focusing on the sword and the door.]
XANDIR[shouting]: Metehalak... makashi nihagreb! Tsetaerg eht si uroohotiaw!
SPANKY[rolling his eyes]: Oh great, now we've got another Ling-Ling...
[Xandir lunges toward the door with his sword... only to have the sword's power repelled by the sturdy door. The door is still shut, and the only thing that has changed is the sword, which is now all zigzaggy. It'll take a lot more than Viagra to straighten THAT sword again.]
[A panel in the door opens, revealing a sign reading, "NOT THIS TIME, BITCH". After the gang reads the sign, the panel closes.]
XANDIR: Okay... that didn't work.
CAPTAIN HERO: Well then, I've got ANOTHER super idea! Why don't you use a bomb to blow up the door? You know, because you're a video game adventurer and all?
XANDIR: I'm not going to use a bomb! Explosives are so 9/11!
FOXXY: Well, it sho' beats sittin' out HERE fo' another two hours!
[The others, except Xandir, nod their head in agreement.]
XANDIR[muttering]: Okay, fine...
[Xandir grudgingly pulls a bomb out, lights the fuse, and places the bomb in front of the door. Another panel in the door opens, revealing a tiny mechanical hand holding a squirt gun. The hand sprays a blast of water on the lit fuse, extinguishing it. The hand slinks back into the panel, and the panel seals shut.]
STAN: Damn, dude, this house is f***ed up.
CLARA: Oooh... curse the Japanese and their security devices that won't let people into their own houses!
[Ling-Ling, offended by Clara's racist remark, glares daggers at her.]
CLARA[apologetically]: Heh heh... oopsie!
SPANKY: I've got a great idea! Why don't we get the fat cow to VOMIT the key out of her body?
STAN: Ewww!
TOOT[pissed off]: Nuh-uh!
SPANKY: Why not, fat girl? You want to be THIN, dont'cha?
TOOT: You think I'm going to puke my guts all over the sidewalk because you want me to? God, I hate when men manipulate me!
SPANKY[nervous]: Well, I -
TOOT: Just for that...
[Toot does a somersault in the air (or what passes for one, at least, with her girth), and falls right on top of Spanky Ham, squishing him flat.]
TOOT[sotto]: Don't mess with girl power, dick-for-brains.
[Spanky is still squashed flat, calling out in vain for someone to remove the fat cow on top of his flattened piggy body.]
* * *
WAITOHOORU(VO): It is now noon, and still, the nine houseguests can't get inside the house. Which is a surprise. The script called for them to be in the house by now. Well, actually, the script called for them to stay outside the house for a while, but I digress.
WOOLDOOR: Are we in the house yet?
SPANKY: No!
WOOLDOOR: Are we in the house yet?
FOXXY: He already said "no", dumbass!
WOOLDOOR[sad]: Awww...
[Suddenly, one of the houseguests realizes something...]
CAPTAIN HERO: Hey, wait a minute... I'm a superhero! Duuuuh! I can break through the door with my super strength!
XANDIR: Yeah, you can do that!
[Captain Hero flexes his super muscles, and flies through the door at hyper speed. The impact knocks the door off its hinges...]
STAN: Kick ass!
[...and it also sends Captain Hero crashing into the living room wall. Some obligatory cartoon birdies appear, and because they want their salary so they can feed their cartoon bird families at home, they obediently circle Captain Hero's head.]
CLARA: Well, I guess this is what happens to people who abuse steroids...
FOXXY: Wha'eva'! We in da house now!
SPANKY: Wooo! Finally! I can take a leak!
[All the other houseguests enter the house, except for Spanky... who pees on the wall on the front of the house. Stan sticks his head through the door, and is shocked to see Spanky paint the house yellow.]
STAN: Uh, dude, the house DOES have a bathroom.
SPANKY[smiling]: I know that.
STAN(CC): Okay, we're FINALLY in the house, and Spanky pees on the outside wall! This just goes to show you what an asshole that guy is. Once I'm away from him, I'll be relieved --- no pun intended.
* * *
[Shot of the nine houseguests mingling with each other in the living room of the Drawn Together house... except for Stan, who sees another manila envelope on the table. He is shocked upon seeing that no one else is seeing it (because if they did, the script wouldn't go as planned, would it?)]
STAN(CC): When we got in the house, I saw another envelope on the table. Apparently, I was probably, like, the only one who saw it, since everyone else was chatting away...
[Stan opens the envelope, and discovers another note inside it, and a videotape.]
STAN: Whoa...
[Cut back to the other eight houseguests, still improvising. Stan disrupts the improvised chatter to show everyone the video.]
STAN: Hey, everyone! I think something just came for us!
[The gang of eight stops improvising, and looks at the tape Stan is holding.]
WOOLDOOR: We're going to watch a video? Wheee! I hope it's Barney and Friends!
STAN: This note says: "Please insert the videotape into the VCR, and watch the tape for further instructions."
CLARA: Well, I guess we have to watch the tape for further instructions.
FOXXY: Ya think?
[Everyone gathers around while Stan puts the videotape into the VCR, and pushes Play. He takes a seat along with everyone else, and is shocked to see an image of Artie Elker, in bondage gear, chained to a wall, and being whipped by Barb Bresnick in a dominatrix outfit.]
STAN(CC): Apparently, the tape was some kind of sick joke, because when I pushed the Play button, I saw two people from the Animation Alliance in some kind of sex video. I know I'm going to be grounded for seeing something like this, so I'd just like to say... [cries] Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry!
BARB[on the monitor]: Well, well, well, I see someone's been naughty today!
ARTIE[on the monitor]: Yes, I have, mistress.
BARB[on the monitor]: You have committed a serious, unspeakable crime --- you rolled the toilet paper over the top instead of down the back!
ARTIE[on the monitor, crying]: B...but... but I thought no one would notice!!!
BARB[on the monitor]: Just for that, you get forty lashes!
ARTIE[on the monitor]: Aw, can't you just give me THIRTY-NINE lashes instead?
BARB[on the monitor]: Sorry, but I like my numbers nice and round... just like I like my men.
[Barb proceeds to whip Artie's leather-clad ass, causing Artie to moan as if he's in orgasm.]
CAPTAIN HERO: So... the instructions are to be chained to walls and then whipped by leather-clad women?
XANDIR: I see this is ONE dungeon I won't be going to...
SPANKY: Tough sh**, dude. I'm getting a front row seat!
STAN[rolling his eyes]: Some game THIS is turning out to be...
[Suddenly, another package with a rock tied to it is sent flying through one of the glass windows, shattering it completely. By which I mean the window, not the package or the rock.]
STAN: Jesus, dude!
WOOLDOOR[excited]: What is it, what is it, what is it?
[Stan picks up the package (being careful not to cut himself on the broken glass), and opens the package. Inside, he finds another videotape, and another note.]
STAN[reading the note]: "Sorry, that was the wrong videotape. Our bad. THIS is the videotape you should watch."
[Stan presses the Eject button, causing the tape inside to, well, eject.]
SPANKY[annoyed]: Hey, I was watching that!
[Stan puts the CORRECT video in the VCR, and presses Play. He and the other eight are greeted on the monitor by Waitohooru, the "host" of "Drawn Together", an "animated reality show" on "Comedy Central", not to be confused with Drawn Together, an "animated reality show" on Comedy Central. This is why you're not writing this script, because you won't know where to correctly place the quotation marks.]
WAITOHOORU(CC): I am the host of this show called Drawn Together, and I'm also the writer of this script. Since the other reality fanfic authors out there expect me to be this anal-retentive perfectionist snob that supposedly "no one will ever love", that's what I'm going to write myself as, only I'm cooler than all of them combined.
STAN(CC): On the screen, I saw this dude with some weird, unpronounceable name like Wato...haru or whatever the hell that is. Dude, why not just use your real name, like those guys at the Animation Alliance used, okay? I don't even know how the hell you spell it.
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: Hello, everybody! Welcome to the Drawn Together house! I am Waitohooru, your host for the next eight days. Since you're watching this video, I figured that you couldn't get in because someone just had to eat the key, and you had to break down the wall using superhuman strength, right?
[Toot and Captain Hero grin sheepishly.]
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: It's okay, I'll let it slide this time. [under his breath] I *knew* we should have given the key to the Link lookalike... [normal voice] Now, as you explore the Drawn Together house, you will find that there are three bedrooms. There USED to be four, but some bowtie-wearing dude named "Raj" came by and knocked down one of the walls, turning two bedrooms into one, and lowering the value of the house in the process.
[The gang looks at me like I have two heads (and I wish I did).]
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: Okay, I'm just kidding! There have always been three bedrooms, okay? And since there are nine of you, three of you will each share a bedroom. Now, we WERE going to have you draw marbles out of a bag to determine who gets which room, but we didn't know when you were actually going to show up, so we did the drawing ourselves and randomly assigned rooms for you, thus eliminating the middleman!
[The nine contestants cheer.]
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: The three toons who will be assigned the Red Room are... Wooldoor Sockbat, Spanky Ham, and Xandir!
[Wooldoor, Spanky, and Xandir are excited.]
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: The three toons who will get the Green Room are... Princess Clara, Ling-Ling, and Foxxy Love!
[Clara, Ling-Ling, and Foxxy are also excited.]
STAN: So that means...
WAITOHOORU[on the monitor]: And finally, the three toons who will sleep in the Blue Room are... Stan Marsh, Captain Hero, and Toot Braunstein!
[Toot and Captain Hero are excited, but Stan is nervous.]
WAITOHOORU(CC): Actually, the room assignment is not random. I set Stan up with Toot and Captain Hero for a hilarious reason, and once you see what the Blue Room is like, I'll tell you what it is.
* * *
[Shot of Stan, Captain Hero, and Toot, unpacking their things into the Blue Room.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Normally in reality shows, we'd show you how all the contestants are enjoying their rooms, but since this show revolves around Stan, and only around Stan, we'll only show you the scenes that he is in, whether he's alone or with someone else.
[Shot of all the beds in the Blue Room --- for a grand total of... one.]
STAN(CC): The people at the Animation Alliance are sick, I tell you. There's, like, only one bed in the Blue Room, and I have to share it with THESE two guys? Give me a break...
WAITOHOORU(CC): Yep, that's right. I had Stan share the same bed with the two bulkiest members of the Drawn Together cast! It's gonna be one crowded bed tonight! I admit it, I am the Mole.
STAN: Let me get this straight --- THIS is what we have to sleep in? One bed?
TOOT[excited]: Finally! After twenty-two years, I get to sleep in a bed with two guys! This is so cool!
CAPTAIN HERO: Finally! After twenty-two years, I get to sleep with a girl and a boy! This is so cool! ...Okay, so the girl is a fat chick, and the boy is underage, but it's still so cool!
STAN[rolling his eyes]: Oh, you've GOT to be f***ing kidding me... I mean, the bed probably isn't big enough for all three of us... why can't someone sleep on the floor or something?
TOOT: Oh, you're volunteering? Well, that means there's going to be more beefcake in my arms when I go to sleep tonight! Hee hee!
STAN: But I didn't mean ---
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, and while you're down there, would you mind checking under the bed for me? I may be a superhero and all, but the ghosties under there SCARE me to death!
TOOT[in sexy voice, to Captain Hero]: Maybe if you had a WOMAN by your side, they'd go away, hmm?
CAPTAIN HERO: You're right!
[Toot is excited.]
CAPTAIN HERO: I'll talk to the black chick! She said she's a mystery-solving magician, or musician, or whatever she said she was... so maybe she can get rid of the ghosts! Thanks, Toot! You're a genius! I'm gonna talk to her right now!
[Captain Hero leaves, while Toot, feeling rejected yet AGAIN, cries.]
TOOT[crying]: Oh, why can't I *get* any? It's not fair!
[Toot pulls out a razor blade, and starts slicing a small gash in her leg, causing some gray blood to spill out, completely freaking out Stan.]
STAN(CC): For some reason, Toot pulls out this razor blade, and starts cutting her leg. I wonder if she is, like, one of those goth people or something... I don't know. I've seen some goths before in South Park, and they wear all black clothes, and always talk about how depressed they are, so, yeah, maybe Toot COULD be a goth.
TOOT(CC): Actually, the so-called "blood" is part of my secret food stash... it's actually ketchup painted gray! But don't tell Stan that, because I *don't* want him eating it! It's MINE, okay? Mine!
* * *
*
*
*
[Cut to the courtyard of the Drawn Together house. You know, the area with the swimming pool? Where Clara and Foxxy tongue-kissed each other in the first episode of Drawn Together? Anyway, all nine of the contestants are there, and they are wearing matching blue bathrobes.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): This is the first of ten challenges that Stan will be participating in in this game. What he doesn't know is that each of the ten challenges is rigged in advance. He could automatically win this challenge, or he could automatically lose, no matter what he does.
********************************
REWARD CHALLENGE 1: UNDER WHERE?
********************************
[After a while, Waitohooru, the host, enters the courtyard, and greets the nine contestants.]
WAITOHOORU: So, all nine of you are here, then? I hope you're going to enjoy your new rooms tonight, huh?
[Stan raises his hand.]
STAN: I don't know if that'll apply to me... I mean, there's only one bed in that room, for Christ's sake!
WAITOHOORU: Well, that could change, because for the reward challenge, all nine of you are playing for the right to earn your very own room, which you are going to sleep in for the rest of your stay in the Drawn Together house!
[The nine contestants cheer.]
WAITOHOORU: Remember, on the videotape, when I said that there were three bedrooms? Well... I lied. If you explored the Drawn Together house closely, you would have noticed a doorway on the second floor which was surrounded by barbed wire, lasers, and a moat.
* * *
[Cut to a door surrounded by barbed wire, lasers, and a moat.]
WAITOHOORU(OS): That door leads to the fourth bedroom, the Master Bedroom, where one of you will really have it made!
[Shot of the door opening, leading to a really luxurious room, filled with the comforts of home.]
WAITOHOORU(OS): This room has it all... among the amenities are a deluxe contour bed, a widescreen TV with a combo VCR/DVD player and surround-sound speakers, two porcelain lamps, a computer with 24-hour Internet access along with the latest video games, as well as your own bathroom, with personal toilet and bathtub! In addition, your favorite foods will be delivered to this room whenever you want!
[Voice clip of the nine oohing and aahing.]
* * *
[Cut back to a shot of the nine oohing and aahing.]
STAN(CC): When Waitohooru told us about the Master Bedroom, I was really psyched. I wanted to win that prize so bad, because I did NOT want to share a bed with Captain Hero and Toot Braunstein.
WAITOHOORU: Now in order for you to win the right to sleep in the Master Bedroom, you will have to win this challenge. It is called Under Where?, and I will explain the rules. Now, before the show, you may have noticed that we sorta snooped through your personal belongings and took a piece of underwear from each of them. Well, each of the nine pieces of underwear is currently being worn by one of the contestants right now!
[Some of the contestants have shocked looks on their faces.]
WAITOHOORU: It may be your underwear, it may be someone else's... but each of the nine pieces of underwear has a number on it from 1 to 9. Also, each of you will be given a card with nine blanks on it, next to the nine numbers from 1 to 9. Next to each number, I want you to write on the blank the name of the houseguest you think is wearing the piece of underwear with that number on it.
[Waitohooru pulls out nine cards with nine numbers and nine blanks. That's eighty-one numbers and eighty-one blanks for you mathematicians out there.]
WAITOHOORU: Here ya go.
[Waitohooru gives a card to Stan, and the other eight cards to the eight members of the Drawn Together cast. He also gives a pencil each to Stan and the eight DT cast members.]
WAITOHOORU: To win this challenge, you must identify the owners of more pieces of underwear than anyone else. Your reward, of course, is the right to sleep in the Master Bedroom. However, if you get the LEAST amount of correct answers, then you will have to receive a special punishment --- you will wear the winner's underwear for the rest of the day!
[A lot of the contestants have shocked looks on their faces.]
SPANKY[to Foxxy]: I can't wait to see you wearing my underwear, black chick!
FOXXY[to Spanky]: Ain't happenin', boy!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now let's begin the challenge on a brief note --- no pun intended. Each of you drew numbers to decide the order in which the contestants will, shall we say, strut their stuff. The first contestant to model will be Princess Clara, who drew number 1. Clara, please remove your robe, will you?
CLARA: Why, I believe I shall.
[Clara removes her robe, and underneath it is Piece of Underwear #1 --- a set of panties embroidered with images of Hello Kitty all over them. Clara obediently models the panties while Spanky and Captain Hero wolf-whistle.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "Hello Kitty? Well, say 'Hello, pussy', as this imported underwear featuring one of Japan's favorite felines will provide the necessary comfort for heavy petting. Trust me, you'll want to feed THIS kitty."
CLARA[excited]: My gosh! I love the Japanese, because they make such good underwear!
TOOT: But didn't you say you hated them earlier?
CLARA: I was wrong, okay?
WAITOHOORU: Number 1, the Hello Kitty panties! Everyone, please write down the name of the houseguest who you think owns these!
[Each of the houseguests writes a name next to the number 1 on their cards... including Stan, who writes "LING-LING".]
STAN(CC): I think Ling-Ling owns the Hello Kitty panties, because Hello Kitty is from Japan, and Ling-Ling is, I think, the only Japanese cartoon character around here... so he'd probably want to buy a pair just because he likes Hello Kitty so much.
WAITOHOORU: Are you all done? Okay, let's showcase Underwear Number 2, which is worn by Captain Hero!
[Captain Hero removes his robe, and proudly displays a pair of rainbow-colored shorts.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "What's at the other end of the rainbow? Well, when you wear these boxer shorts, everyone will know the answer to that question! And once you've found the pot of gold at the other end, go nuts and play with your newfound riches!"
[Captain Hero does a Chippendale-style dance, and his throbbing member provides backup inside the rainbow-colored boxers.]
CAPTAIN HERO: I should get some super pay for doing this!
WAITOHOORU: That was Number 2, the rainbow-colored shorts! Who owns these?
[Each of the houseguests writes a name next to the number 2 on their cards. Stan writes "ZANDER", which could mean "Xandir", particularly since he doesn't know how to spell Xandir's name correctly yet.]
STAN(CC): I thought Xandir owned the rainbow boxer shorts, because he's gay, and gays are probably interested in brightly-colored underwear like that. I could be wrong, though.
WAITOHOORU: Now, it's time for Underwear Number 3! And Foxxy, it's all you, girl!
FOXXY: 'Bout time!
[Foxxy removes her robe, revealing the steel-plated boxers underneath. She is actually able to move rather freely in this heavy underwear, pleasing many of the male contestants.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "This underwear provides plenty of protection, whether it's from bullets, bombs, knives, or STDs. They may be hard to find, but if you like it hard, then you'll like these!"
FOXXY: Want some of this? Oh, you know ya do, sugah! There's plenty of Foxxy Love ta go 'round now!
[Foxxy shakes her fox-tailed booty around, causing Spanky and Captain Hero to wolf-whistle some more.]
SPANKY: Come on! Swing that tail, bitch!
WAITOHOORU: Once again, Number 3, the armored boxers. Please write down who you think owns these!
[The houseguests write a name next to the number 3 on their cards. Stan writes "CAPTAIN HERO" next to his.]
STAN(CC): My choice for the third one was Captain Hero. I think they might be perfect for him, because he's a superhero, and he probably wears underwear that's as strong as he is.
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now Underwear Number 4 is next, and Stan, I believe you're wearing it!
STAN[laughing]: Oh, silly me!
[Stan takes off his robe, and reveals that he is wearing a pair of black panties, causing some of the contestants to laugh (fortunately with him, not at him).]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "Black is traditionally the color of night --- which is appropriate, since this underwear is perfect for those nighttime occasions! And it's so dark, you won't even care if you soil yourself, since you probably won't even notice!"
[Stan is a bit embarrassed.]
STAN: Wait... I might actually be wearing a pair of soiled panties?
WAITOHOORU: Just kidding! These panties aren't soiled... I think.
STAN: Well... okay then!
[Stan struts his stuff some more, pleasing a lot of the contestants.]
XANDIR: Ooh, nice!
TOOT: I can't wait to take THAT home with me!
WAITOHOORU: Number 4, once again, was the black panties. But who owns these?
[The houseguests write a name next to the number 4. Stan writes "TOOT".]
STAN(CC): I chose Toot for the black panties, because they're probably from her black-and-white era of cartoons, and I don't see any label or tag or any revealing mark on it with any color other than black or white... plus I think they're a bit too big for me.
WAITOHOORU: Now let's move on to Number 5! Ling-Ling, you're modeling this!
LING-LING[sighing]: (The things I do to please some retarded Americans...)
[Ling-Ling takes off his robe, revealing some cute underwear with unicorns on it. Ling-Ling continues to play along and model the underwear.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "Unicorns are creatures of fantasy... and wearing this underwear will guarantee your fantasy comes true! This satisfies the unicorn inside you... or rather, inside your pants. You know which one I'm talking about. That's right, the one with the horn." [stops reading] Honestly, who WRITES this garbage?
LING-LING[to Waitohooru]: (Ling-Ling pretty sure an American... even though our genitals tinier, Asian never stoop that low, even when go to bathroom.)
WAITOHOORU: [under his breath] Dear God, I hope that wasn't an insult... [normal] Okay, again, Number 5, the unicorn underwear! Who owns this delightful number?
[The houseguests write a name next to the 5. Stan writes "WOOLDOOR".]
STAN(CC): Honestly, I really don't know who owns the unicorn underwear. There are probably a lot of choices, I think it could have been either Xandir, Clara, or Wooldoor... but I think I'll have to guess Wooldoor here... hmm, maybe I should have answered that for the second one, and switched with Xandir. I guess I may have f***ed up my chances of winning this challenge... I hope I didn't!
WAITOHOORU: Just four more to go! And Toot, you're modeling Underwear Number 6!
TOOT: Yay!
[Toot takes off her robe, revealing some animal-print underwear. She seems to be waiting for something... and after a while, glares at Spanky and Captain Hero.]
TOOT: ...Well?
CAPTAIN HERO: Well what?
TOOT: You're supposed to wolf-whistle at me now!
SPANKY: So?
TOOT: So, I'm a girl, and you whistled at those other two girls... why didn't you whistle at ME, dammit?
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, right. The whistling.
SPANKY: I guess we... kinda forgot, huh?
[Spanky and Captain Hero grudgingly wolf-whistle at Toot.]
TOOT[smiling]: Thank you.
[Toot continues to flaunt her flabby body, which, to tell you the truth, is probably unqualified for the sexy animal-print underwear. But don't tell Toot that!]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "Want to go on a safari adventure without leaving your bed? Then go to your nearest lingerie store and buy this tiger-print ensemble... or call the phone number of someone who wears one and invite him/her over. And like the great explorers, you'll probably be spending a lot of time hacking through that thick dark jungle brush on your quest to explore some... forbidden territory!"
[Toot shakes those two round, jiggly lumps that she calls a booty... nauseating a lot of the contestants (including Stan, who vomits his guts out)... while making some of them laugh (at her, not with her).]
TOOT(CC): When I modeled the tiger underwear, I noticed that Stan was vomiting. Okay, so my ass is fat. But at least I have plenty of it... so I might as well flaunt it! Even if you don't want beefcake, you're gonna get beefcake... and it's gonna be shoved down your throats, so learn to like it, bitches!
WAITOHOORU[reeling]: Ugh... that was the animal-print underwear, Number 6. Someone please write who you think owns these so we can move on... I... I need some antacid...
STAN: I guess I'm not the only one who needs it, huh?
WAITOHOORU: Yep.
[The houseguests write a name next to 6. Stan writes "FOXY".]
STAN(CC): I'm pretty sure Foxxy owns the tiger-striped underwear... she dresses up in that fox costume all the time, so maybe she might wear some animal-print underwear to go with that.
WAITOHOORU: Now let's move on to Underwear Number 7, which Wooldoor Sockbat is wearing! Wooldoor, would you please?
WOOLDOOR[impersonating Curly]: Soitanly! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[Wooldoor removes his robe, and we find that he is wearing some white lacy lingerie. He flaunts this underwear as he prances in front of the other eight contestants.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "This is perfect underwear for those neat freaks out there who want to get dainty... these doily-laced bloomers are perfect for those who demand clean sex... which is an oxymoron if you ask me..."
WOOLDOOR[turning to Waitohooru]: Hey! WHAT did you call me? I'm so offended!
WAITOHOORU: I wasn't referring to YOU!
WOOLDOOR[smiling]: Oh. Okay!
[Wooldoor blows a few kisses toward the contestants... causing the ladies to laugh.]
WAITOHOORU: Again, number 7, the lace bloomers. Write down your guesses now!
[The houseguests write a name for 7. Stan writes "CLARA".]
STAN(CC): For the lace bloomers, I wrote down Princess Clara, because she's a member of a royal family, and she's probably used to wearing fancy underwear like that.
WAITOHOORU: Two more are left! Spanky Ham, you're modeling Number 8!
SPANKY: Let's bring it on!
[Spanky removes his robe, revealing a pair of Terrance and Phillip boxers, which Stan immediately recognizes. Spanky arrogantly prances around in these.]
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "They're two cartoon characters from up north, but to find these guys, you'll have to head down south! Because honestly, who wouldn't want to buy any clothing with Terrance and Phillip on them? And if you don't like it, well then, blame Canada."
STAN[to himself]: I've got this one...
[Spanky stands still, and does a "penis dance" with the Terrance and Phillip boxers. Just like the one Captain Hero did a while ago.]
SPANKY: You know you want this!
WAITOHOORU: Again, Number 8, Terrance and Phillip boxer shorts! Make your guesses!
[Houseguests write name for 8. Stan writes his own name.]
STAN(CC): I know the Terrance and Phillip boxers are mine... because, seriously, I don't think anyone else would have them, let alone know what Terrance and Phillip are. Even if I don't get this, I know I've got at least one right.
WAITOHOORU: And finally, we have Number 9, and Xandir, I believe you're the only one left!
XANDIR: Well, okay.
[Xandir removes his robe, and we find that Xandir... is completely naked! (Well, except for the digital blur covering his penis.) Most of the houseguests are stunned, particularly Stan.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
WAITOHOORU[reading the description]: "If you've got nothing to hide, and just want to get straight to the action, then let it all out by not wearing any underwear at all! Just... don't do it in public, please."
[Xandir continues to model in the buff while a lot of the contestants giggle.]
SPANKY[shouting]: Come on! Swing that tail, bitch!
WAITOHOORU: And once again, Number 9 was no underwear. Who didn't bring any with them? Make your choice right now!
[Houseguests. Writing. Name. 9. Stan? "SPANKY".]
STAN(CC): For the last one, I chose Spanky, because judging by his behavior, I don't think he even wants to wear any. And if he did wear any underwear... then I hope he didn't win this contest, because no one wants to wear HIS underwear. Ugh...
WAITOHOORU: Okay, are you done writing? Please turn in your cards once you've finished matching up the houseguests to their underwear.
[The nine contestants, including Stan, turn their cards over to Waitohooru.]
WAITOHOORU: Wow, that was quick. I'm going to tabulate the results. I'll be back in a moment, and you'll be able to figure out who won. 'Kay?
[Waitohooru slinks into the Drawn Together house, while the nine housemates wait outside.]
* * *
[Cut to Waitohooru inside the Animation Alliance building, showing Stan's card to the crew.]
WAITOHOORU: ...and that's what he wrote.
BARB: Well then, this is easier than we thought!
TOM: So, what should the correct answers be?
WAITOHOORU: Well, he knows that Number 8 is his own, so let's make that the only correct answer.
MIKE: Brilliant! What should the correct answer for Number 1 be?
WAITOHOORU: Well, it's not going to be Ling-Ling, that's for sure. It should be...
* * *
[Cut back to the nine houseguests, still awaiting the results.]
CAPTAIN HERO: So, Toot, which underwear was yours again?
TOOT: I know, but I'm not telling! So there!
SPANKY: I bet I've won this competition already! After they announce the winner, which will be me, I'm going to take a crap in my underwear and have the loser wear it!
STAN[holding his nose]: No way! No f***ing way!
[Waitohooru exits the Drawn Together house. He is holding a card with the made-up answers to the underwear quiz.]
FOXXY(CC): As y'all can see, every challenge in Animated Joe Schmo is rigged. This challenge, fo' instance, is rigged to make sure Stan loses. The winner? Well, if this challenge wa'n't fixed, I'd easily beat all they white ass! ...Or pink ass, or yellow ass, or orange ass, or whatever color they ass is.
WAITOHOORU: I have the results! In a moment, you'll find out who the winner is, and who gets to wear the winner's underwear. I know a lot of you are very nervous about that, huh?
STAN: Yeah, pretty much.
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now let's begin! Number 1, which Clara wore, was the Hello Kitty panties, and those belong... to Captain Hero!
FOXXY: What?!
[A lot of eyes turn in Captain Hero's direction.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Hey, I like Hello Kitty, okay? She's just so cute! That cat can make some good underwear, let me tell ya!
TOOT[rolling her eyes]: Oh, for the love of toot...
WAITOHOORU: And now, Number 2, worn by Captain Hero, was the rainbow-colored shorts. They belong to Wooldoor!
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Wheeeee! I'm glad you like my shorts, Captain Hero!
CAPTAIN HERO: Why... thank you?
WOOLDOOR: You're welcome!
WAITOHOORU: And Number 3, which Foxxy wore, was the steel-plated underwear. That belongs... to Xandir!
XANDIR[modestly]: Oh, pshaw! Thank you, Foxxy, for modeling them for me!
FOXXY: Oh, you welcome, honey.
WAITOHOORU: And Stan was wearing Number 4, the black panties... they belong to Foxxy!
STAN: Foxxy?! ...But I thought they belong to Toot, since they're too big!
FOXXY: Oh, Foxxy wanted underwear as loose as she is... so when they come off, you see mo' of Foxxy, baby!
STAN: Ooookay...
WAITOHOORU: Ling-Ling was wearing Number 5, the unicorn underwear. I thought you would get this one, since it belongs to Princess Clara.
CLARA: And believe me, you don't know how many servants we had to send out to get that one, since it was so hard to find!
WAITOHOORU: And Number 6, worn by Toot, was the animal-print underwear... that belongs to Spanky!
TOOT: What?!
SPANKY: Yeah, that's my underwear, baby! In my films, I wear underwear that represents what animal I'm going to have sex with, and then I take it off!
FOXXY[rolling her eyes]: Spanky, you a sick ol' pig...
SPANKY: Thank you!
WAITOHOORU: Number 7, worn by Wooldoor, was the white lace bloomers... they're Toot's, actually!
TOOT: [melodramatic] Yes, and thank you so much, Wooldoor, for trying them on for me! I really thought no one else would! [normal] No really, I didn't think anyone would wear them.
SPANKY[sarcastically]: What a surprise...
WAITOHOORU: And Number 8, which Spanky wore, was the Terrance and Phillip underwear... that belongs to Stan!
SPANKY[to Stan]: Oh, and I left a little surprise in there for you, kid.
STAN[reeling]: Uh... I think I'll wear different underwear instead...
SPANKY: Fine, kid. You don't know what you're missing!
WAITOHOORU: And finally Number 9, no underwear at all... the correct answer is Ling-Ling!
[Some of the contestants are shocked.]
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, that's right. I really thought all of you would get that one, since Ling-Ling doesn't usually wear clothes, let alone underwear...
LING-LING: (That so true.)
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now the results. The winner of this challenge, with 7 out of 9 correct, is Xandir!
XANDIR[stunned]: Omigod, no way!
WAITOHOORU: Yes way! He gets to sleep in the Master Bedroom for the rest of the game! Everyone, congratulate Xandir on his victory!
[All the contestants clap their hands to praise Xandir's knowledge of underwear... except for Ling-Ling, and why he doesn't do that, you'll find out soon enough...]
LING-LING[pissed off]: (Hmph!)
WAITOHOORU: And now, the one who got the least amount of answers correct, sadly, is Stan Marsh, and the only one he answered correctly was number 8, his own!
STAN: Oh no...
STAN(CC): What the hell happened? I'm pretty sure I got a lot of them correct... but maybe it's because I don't know a lot of these people, and maybe I didn't look hard enough. So now I have to try on Xandir's underwear. Oh well, at least I'm glad Spanky didn't win...
WAITOHOORU: And Stan, I hope you like Xandir's underwear, because that's what you're going to be wearing today!
XANDIR: Oh, he will like the underwear I have for him... it's so cute, and it fits him just oh so perfectly!
STAN: Somehow, I don't like the sound of that...
* * *
[Shot of Xandir and Stan in the downstairs bathroom. Xandir is making Stan try on some mysterious metallic armor resembling a thong bikini.]
STAN: You're kidding, right? I can barely move in this thing!
XANDIR: Oh, that's exactly what I said when I first found it in a treasure chest in the Fire Caves of Lower Valhalla, and then tried it on! But you'll love the Mithril Thong, trust me, honey. I'd give you my precious Orihalcon G-String, but I do believe you're a bit too young for that.
[Xandir adjusts Stan's new Mithril Thong a bit.]
STAN(CC): Xandir told me that he found this... mitharell, mathar... I don't know how the hell you say it... but it's a thong, and it's... kind of uncomfortable. But he seems to like it, though... then again, he's gay and he's a video game character...
[Stan tries to move around in his new underwear.]
XANDIR: So, how is it?
STAN: Um... no offense or anything, but this thing is rather uncomfortable!
XANDIR(CC): Stan didn't really care for the Mithril Thong at first... he said it was uncomfortable for him. I feel your pain, boyfriend, I really do. But I have to do this because that's what the script says, okay?
[Xandir continues to adjust Stan's Mithril Thong until it is just the right fit for Stan... which isn't saying much.]
XANDIR: How about now?
[Stan moves around a bit better in his new Mithril Thong.]
STAN: Wow... that actually feels good! I think I will wear it after all! Cartman will be so jealous, because it won't fit HIM!
[Stan puts on his brown coat and blue pants over his Mithril Thong, and tops it off with his trademark blue puffball hat.]
XANDIR: See, I knew I could totally do it! Well, I guess I'd better move to my new bedroom! [waves a hand to Stan] Toodles!
[Xandir leaves the bathroom, and heads toward the Red Room, where his stuff is.]
STAN: Uh... toodles, I guess.
[Stan comes out of the bathroom, and once he enters the hall, he tries walking a bit more. He realizes that he can indeed move in that thing after all.]
STAN: Dude, that feels so good! Maybe I should ask mom and dad if I can buy one of those... methrall thingies...
[However, while he's in the hall, he sees Foxxy Love running in his direction...]
FOXXY: Hell no!
WOOLDOOR(OS): Wait, Foxxy! Come back here!
[...with Wooldoor Sockbat in close pursuit. As soon as Wooldoor catches up to Foxxy, Foxxy performs the Alicia Calaway Finger Wave of Doom (TM) in Wooldoor's face.]
FOXXY[to Wooldoor]: Oh no you didn't! You did NOT just ask Foxxy Love about masturbation!
WOOLDOOR[confused]: I didn't? But I'm pretty sure I just did...
[Foxxy fumes.]
WOOLDOOR[pleading]: Come on, I really need to know what it is!
FOXXY: Ohhhh, it be best if you didn't, chile.
WOOLDOOR: Spanky told me that he really enjoyed it, so it must sound like something fun! Pleeeeease tell me? You enjoy fun things, so you've probably masturbated as well, right?
[Foxxy narrows her eyes, and gives Wooldoor an angry glare.]
FOXXY: Wooldoor... shut yo' god damn mouth.
[Foxxy returns to the Green Room, leaving Wooldoor to cry his eyes out in the hall. Stan wonders why he's being forced to watch all this.]
STAN(CC): Dude... I just witnessed something awkward in the hallway. Apparently, Wooldoor wanted to know what masturbation was, and he asked Foxxy about it. I feel like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time...
FOXXY(CC): Ooh, Foxxy Love done pull off anotha' sweet-ass perfo'mance! [shakes her body around] Go, Foxxy! It's yo' birthday! Not fo' rill-rill, jes' fo' play-play!
[Wooldoor sticks his head in Foxxy Love's confessional.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): Hey, don't forget about me!
FOXXY(CC): Oh, sweetie, you done good too! Have a cookie, chile!
[Foxxy gives Wooldoor a cookie, and Wooldoor quickly eats it. Foxxy pats Wooldoor on the head for being a good actor.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): Mmmm... that was one tasty reward!
[Meanwhile, back in the hall, Stan confronts a crying Wooldoor.]
STAN: Dude... this better not be what I think I'm seeing...
WOOLDOOR[crying]: Oh... won't anyone please help me already?!?!
STAN[rolling his eyes]: Let me guess, it's about masturbation, right?
WOOLDOOR: Exactly! When we all arrived, Spanky said that he masturbated when he was in that limousine, and he said he really, really liked it and it was really, really fun!
STAN: Okay...
WOOLDOOR: And just after the challenge, I went up to him and asked him what masturbation was, and he told me [in deep voice] "You'll find out when you're older, kid". And then, two seconds later, I told him, "Well, I'm OLDER, so tell me what masturbation is!" And he wouldn't tell me... he was mean and nasty to me and went into the Red Room and closed the door on me!
[Wooldoor continues crying his eyes out. Stan carefully backs away to avoid getting some of the droplets on his clothes.]
STAN: Whoa!
WOOLDOOR: And... you probably saw it, but I asked Foxxy about masturbation as well, and I think she's mean to me as well... oh, why is everyone being so mean to me? It's not fair!
[At this point, Clara enters the hallway.]
CLARA: Hello, everyone.
WOOLDOOR[to Clara]: Oh, Clara, perfect timing! Will you please tell me what masturbation is?
[Upon hearing the word "masturbation", Clara just cries her eyes out, and enters the Green Room.]
WOOLDOOR[crying]: See? NO one will tell me what it is!
STAN: Dude, is it really THAT important to you?
WOOLDOOR: Yep, it is! I think one of the upcoming challenges might be some kind of quiz, and one of the questions might be, "What is masturbation?"... and I would lose if I didn't find out what it is! They'd probably keep me after school and stick me in the corner! I don't like wearing a duncecap!
[At this point, Stan becomes really annoyed.]
WOOLDOOR: Please tell me what masturbation is... pretty please, with sugar on top?
[Wooldoor pulls some sugar out of the storage space in his ass, and sprinkles it on Stan.]
WOOLDOOR: And whipped cream?
[Wooldoor pulls some whipped cream out of ass-space, and sprays it all over Stan.]
WOOLDOOR: And a cherry?
[Wooldoor pulls a cherry out of his ass, and places it on Stan's head, really pissing him off.]
STAN[pissed off]: Oh, for God's sake, Wooldoor, masturbation is when you play with your penis!
[Silence.]
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Really? I can play with my penis?
STAN: Yeah, just don't do it now, please...
WOOLDOOR: Too late!
[Wooldoor pulls a game of Connect Four out of his ass, and places it on the floor. He takes the Connect Four board out of the box, and places it next to him.]
WOOLDOOR: Okay, I'm going first!
[Wooldoor places a red checker in one of the columns.]
WOOLDOOR: Okay, now it's your move!
[Wooldoor takes a black checker out, and places it down his pants, on top of his penis (which, thankfully, is blurred out).]
WOOLDOOR[to his penis]: Come on... I said it's your move! Don't be shy!
[Silence.]
STAN: Uh, dude... I am getting out of here.
[Stan leaves Wooldoor to literally "play with himself" in the hallway.]
WOOLDOOR[to his penis]: What? Are you afraid you're going to lose to me? I haven't played this game before, so I'm still learning too! Just move already!
[While Stan is walking down the hallway, Clara comes out of the Green Room to talk to him.]
CLARA: Um, if it's no trouble at all, may I talk to you for a minute, little boy?
STAN: Uh, sure, go ahead.
CLARA: Oh, thank you so much!
[Clara grabs Stan's arm, and takes him into the bathroom with her.]
STAN: Okay, so what are we doing here?
CLARA: I know you were talking with Wooldoor, and that conversation made me cry!
STAN: Yeah, he apparently doesn't know what masturbation is... you were really upset, weren't you? Why?
CLARA: Well... I'd like to show you something.
[Clara takes off her gown, and she is about to take off her lingerie, when...]
STAN: God... I don't want to see your vagina, okay?
CLARA: Oh, I really wish I didn't have to show it to you... but I'm afraid I must do this...
[Clara takes off her lingerie, and Stan is forced to see a green tentacley creature that is apparently occupying her vaginal space, and totally freaking Stan out. It's Clara's... Octopussoir. It's French.]
STAN: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[The force of Stan's scream causes the beast to flail its tentacles around wildly (if you watched Drawn Together, you know the octopussoir dislikes loud noises), nearly destroying everything in sight... before Clara, its owner, calms it down.]
CLARA[to the octopussoir]: There, there, it's okay, sweetie! He's just a kid, he won't bite.
[Clara puts her lingerie back on, as well as her gown.]
STAN(CC): That princess... she had some kind of big-ass monster under there! That is not normal, dude! Princess Clara is some kind of freak!
STAN: What the hell was THAT for?
CLARA: Well, that is exactly what happened about fifteen years ago...
[A few tears form in Clara's eyes.]
CLARA: ...when... ...I masturbated for the first time.
STAN[freaked out]: Holy sh**! YOU masturbated?!
CLARA: Sadly, yes. When I was a child, I was still living in the castle, with my family, and I was curious about the outside world. One day, I overheard a conversation two of my servants were having, and one of them said that he masturbated, and that he really enjoyed it!
STAN: Christ, this is starting to remind me of Wooldoor...
CLARA: I was still curious. I didn't know what "masturbation" was at the time... until I saw what the servant was doing... and what he was doing... was... touching his penis! And then, I saw him laughing and having a really good time... so I assumed that it was fun, and that I should do it as well. So I did it... I touched my vagina. I admit it.
STAN: Wow... THAT was gay.
CLARA: And at that moment, my evil stepmother came into my bedroom, and saw me playing with my vagina. She would not have any of it... so she put a curse on my vagina --- I think the spell she used at the time was written by an African --- and turned it into the beast you saw just now.
STAN: Whoa... THAT'S a bitch...
CLARA: And the next day, the servant who masturbated was fired. Our castle hasn't hired any Mexicans since then.
STAN[crying]: Dude... that was so sad. I feel for you.
CLARA(CC): I told Stan my "princess masturbates and has her vagina turned into an octopussoir" story, and he fell for it, and I saw tears coming out of his eyes. I really hated lying to the poor boy, because I never once masturbated in my entire life! That's right! I didn't want to lower myself to any Jamaican peasant!
[Stan places his head on Clara's shoulder, and Clara places her head on his.]
* * *
[Cut to a shot of the nine contestants at dinner in the dining room, eating and chatting away (though not at the same time).]
WAITOHOORU(VO): After Clara revealed her alleged secret in the bathroom, a lot more secrets are about to be revealed at dinner.
SPANKY[to Toot]: Hey, lady! Leave some for the rest of us, will ya! I'm the only one who's supposed to be eating like a pig here! You're makin' my species look bad, bitch!
TOOT: Well, I need to eat so I can LIVE, okay?! You want me to DIE?
XANDIR: Uh, Toot, you really shouldn't be eating that much... what if you want to go swimming later?
WOOLDOOR: Well, I can eat as much as I want then... 'cuz I can't swim anyway.
[Most of the contestants are shocked, including Stan.]
STAN[to Wooldoor]: Dude... you can't swim, huh?
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, I never really learned to swim.
SPANKY[to Wooldoor]: So? I'll teach you how to swim, boy!
WOOLDOOR: B... but I don't want to swim! The water scares me!
SPANKY[smirking]: What's the matter, Spongebob? I thought you LOVED the water, particularly since you live under the sea!
WOOLDOOR[stammering]: M... my name isn't Spongebob! And I live in the sky, and I sleep on a cloud with the lovely rainbow over my head! You're lying!
WOOLDOOR(CC): I revealed at the dinner table that I couldn't swim, and the Animation Alliance told me that Stan bought it. But I'm confused now. If he bought the dinner table, why didn't he take it with him after the show?
STAN[to Spanky]: Dude, he can't swim, okay?
SPANKY: Oh, he WILL swim. Trust me. I'll make him... even if I have to KILL him to do it.
WOOLDOOR: WHAT?!
FOXXY[to Spanky]: Ooh, you DAMN crazy!
STAN: Dude, that doesn't make sense! How can he swim if you kill him?
SPANKY: He can... his lifeless corpse will just be floating on the water, so... it counts.
[Wooldoor is really traumatized now, and hides under the table.]
STAN[to Spanky]: There, you see what you did, asshole?
SPANKY: Well, it's a start. He's under the table, so he can be under the water. It's only logical.
TOOT: Feh. You call that logic?
SPANKY: And as long as he's under the table...
[Spanky unzips his pants, and starts peeing on Wooldoor, who is under the table.]
STAN: Dude... how could you?!
WOOLDOOR[shouting]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[And Wooldoor just happened to be underneath Clara at the time... causing the octopussoir within her to burst out, and flail its tentacles around.]
CLARA: Oh, my heavens!
SPANKY[to Clara]: Must've been something ya ate, huh?
STAN(CC): Dinner that night was really f***ed up. Spanky threatened to kill Wooldoor, causing him to hide under the table... and then Spanky peed on him. He screamed, and Clara's beast reacted to the loud noise... and then Ling-Ling...
[Just then, Ling-Ling jumps up onto the table, and raises his hands, summoning a purple energy sphere.]
LING-LING[shouting]: (That it! You call that a battle? Ling-Ling show you how it done!)
STAN(CC): ...he jumps onto the table, and is about to use this... attack of his on all of us. I could have died, you know!
[Just as Ling-Ling charges up the energy sphere, making it bigger and bigger... Waitohooru walks into the dining room.]
WAITOHOORU: Whoa! I must have missed something really controversial... I'm so sorry.
STAN: I wish you came earlier... it was getting really crazy!
XANDIR: You said it!
WAITOHOORU: Anyway, it's time for all of you to enter the living room.
SPANKY[excited]: We're going to watch that sex video you showed us? Please say yes, because Barb Bresnick looks hot in black leather! I want to ride HER whip!
WAITOHOORU: Uh... no.
SPANKY[disappointed]: Damn, this sucks...
WAITOHOORU: We are, however, going to have show-and-tell!
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Wheeeeeee! I love show-and-tell! I love it I love it I love it!!!
[Wooldoor bounces around the room excitedly, all while Waitohooru is talking.]
WAITOHOORU: Each of you is going to present your [makes quotes with his fingers] "creature comfort items", which you all brought with you when you entered the Drawn Together house. The creature comfort items are, of course, the items you said in your application that you couldn't live without.
[Cut to a shot of the contestants' creature comfort items on a table in the living room.]
WAITOHOORU(OS): We've taken all of the items from your rooms, and everyone is going to see them! Each of you is going to describe the item that, in essence, reveals your personality, so to say.
[Cut back to Waitohooru and the contestants in the dining room, with Wooldoor still bouncing frantically off the walls.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, what are we all sitting here for? Let's begin the presentation, shall we?
[Fast-motion shot of the contestants leaving the dining room, and taking their creature comfort items off of the table in the living room. Waitohooru shows up.]
WAITOHOORU: Welcome, class, to show-and-tell! I see we have perfect attendance, everyone's here, I take it?
STAN: Uh... yes we are, teach!
WAITOHOORU: Well, that's good. Now, we will begin. We're going in order clockwise, starting with the person sitting to my left. That's you, Spanky Ham!
SPANKY: Hot damn!
[Spanky gets up, and stands in front of everyone.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Spanky, please present your creature comfort item.
SPANKY: Well, here it is, everyone!
[Spanky unzips his pants, and shows everyone his penis. Most of the contestants shield their eyes, including Stan.]
WAITOHOORU: Uh... Spanky, I thought I told you to present your creature comfort item?
SPANKY: Well... that IS my creature comfort item! What, didn't you read my application?
WAITOHOORU: Uh... okay then. Now, let's move on to ---
SPANKY[interrupting]: As long as I'm here, I'll tell you all about it. First, it's about eight inches long, and when I squeeze it, urine comes out of it. Here, let me demonstrate...
[Spanky is about to squeeze his penis, when Waitohooru wisely drags him back to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Uh... I really don't think you need to elaborate on that. Okay, let's move on to our next presenter, Captain Hero!
[Captain Hero gets up, carrying his creature comfort item, which is some kind of blow-up dummy, and the contestants applaud him. Not the blow-up dummy, but the non-blow-up dummy.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Why, thank you, everybody! My creature comfort item is this inflatable dummy I have, which I currently call "The Siphoner".
[A lot of the contestants are laughing.]
WAITOHOORU: Captain Hero... why on earth would you call an inflatable blow-up doll "The Siphoner"? I've got to hear THIS...
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, I name it after my current arch-nemesis. I use it as a punching bag so I can vent my frustrations. Right now, it's called "The Siphoner" after the villain I fought last week, who tried to suck up all the water from the city of Podunk by drinking it all. Fortunately, I defeated him, and he never terrorized Podunk again!
TOOT: Ooh, that's so awesome! How did you defeat him?
CAPTAIN HERO: Simple! After The Siphoner drank all the water, he tried to go pee-pee in Podunk Canyon, so I told on him.
[Silence... save for a few contestants clapping slowly.]
WAITOHOORU: Uh... okay then. That was Captain Hero and his inflatable blow-up doll!
CAPTAIN HERO: Thanks!
[Captain Hero returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Hopefully this next one won't involve peeing... our next presenter is Toot Braunstein!
TOOT[excited]: Ooh, goody goody gumdrops!
[Toot gets up, and picks up ten identical bead necklaces. She carries them with her as she addresses the group.]
TOOT: Hi, everybody! My name is Toot Braunstein! I like putting out, making out, and long walks on the beach!
[Silence.]
TOOT: Okay! [claps her hands] For my creature comfort item, I have a bead necklace! You see, it's one of the only things that'll give me comfort now, since no guy will ever give me any.
SPANKY[under his breath]: Gee, I wonder why...
[Toot places one of the ten bead necklaces around her neck.]
TOOT: And to ensure that I make some friends in the Drawn Together house, I brought one for each of you! Here you go.
[Toot places a bead necklace around the necks of Stan, the other contestants, and Waitohooru.]
WAITOHOORU: Whoa, who do you think you are - Zoe Zanidakis?
TOOT: Zoe Zanidakis? Who's she?
[Silence.]
WAITOHOORU: Aaanyway, that was Toot Braunstein, and her necklaces!
TOOT: Yay!
[Silence.]
TOOT[pissed off]: Um... you're supposed to be clapping for me! I don't hear clapping!
[The contestants grudgingly clap their hands for Toot.]
TOOT[smiling]: That is much better!
[Toot returns to her seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Now, let's see what Foxxy Love has to show us!
FOXXY: I be glad to show y'all!
[Foxxy gets up, and shows everyone her creature comfort item --- which is, of course, her trusty tambourine.]
FOXXY: Y'see this here tambourine? Whenever the Foxxy Five went on tour, Foxxy would always bring this mama with her! And even if the Foxxy Five never went on no tour, Foxxy would bring it with her anyways!
ALL: Ah!
FOXXY: Truth is, this the one instrument Foxxy the most skilled in. Foxxy would play other instruments... but this was the only instrument she could afford back in the projects. Mama was always payin' bills, and Papa... well...
[Foxxy wipes a tear from her eye.]
FOXXY: ...let's just say the tambourine provided me with lotsa comfort through those long, cold nights in the ghetto, huh?
[Everyone applauds for Foxxy's story, including Stan.]
WAITOHOORU: Wow, that was inspiring!
FOXXY: You know it!
[Foxxy returns to her seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, next up is Stan Marsh. Stan, would you please show us your creature comfort item?
[Stan gets up, and displays his creature comfort item, a football, with him.]
STAN: Okay, now my creature comfort item is a commemorative John Elway football. I got this as a souvenir after I saw this one Broncos game... and a week later, it saved my life!
CLARA: Oh, tell us more!
XANDIR: Yes! Do tell!
STAN: Well, I played with it for hours and hours... and my older sister Shelley became really jealous. She wanted one herself, and I told her to get her own... and she tried to punch me in the stomach! I'm not kidding!
[Stan shows everyone a squashed section of the football.]
STAN: You see? That could have been my chest! I could have been laying on the ground, and bleeding! But I put the football under my shirt, and it saved my life! Oh, and Shelley was grounded for a week.
[Everyone applauds Stan for his inspiring story.]
WAITOHOORU: Ooh, impressive! Thank you so much, Stan!
STAN: Why, you're welcome!
[Stan returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, next, we have Princess Clara. I can't wait to see your creature comfort item!
CLARA: Why, I will show you!
[Clara gets up, and reveals her creature comfort item, which is a heart-shaped locket containing a picture of Prince Charming... by which I mean the Prince Charming from episode 2 of Drawn Together. Not the Prince Charming from Snow White, or Cinderella, or Sleeping Beauty, or any Disney film that a Prince Charming is in.]
CLARA: Well... I figured you would eventually find out anyway, but this is my future boyfriend Prince Charming. Actually, my father made the decision to who should be my boyfriend, but I would have chosen him anyway... Latin men are so dreamy! Except those who live in the slums, that is.
[Clara passes the locket around for every one of her housemates to look at, starting with Spanky, who passes it to Captain Hero, etc.]
CLARA: You can look at it for a while, but I want it back. The locket was hand-crafted by an artisan from Germany, and he's going to flip his lid if it's broken! After all, Germans do have uncontrollable tempers!
[The last toon in the rotation, Ling-Ling, gives the locket back to Clara.]
LING-LING[smiling]: (Well, now Ling-Ling know who else I want to kill...)
CLARA: Oh, that is so sweet, Ling-Ling!
[Clara takes the locket from Ling-Ling, and gives him a kiss. She then returns to her seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Aw, how touching! Next up, we have Xandir's item!
XANDIR[excited]: Fabbo!
[Xandir gets up and shows everyone his creature comfort item, a photo album. He opens it and shows everyone the photos inside.]
XANDIR: This, of course, is my creature comfort item. It is, like, a photo album, and on my adventures, I would take pictures of people I have met, places I have visited, items I have found, and monsters I have defeated, and I would place them in my photo album!
[Xandir turns some pages, and shows everyone some more photos of places he has visited, and monsters he has defeated. Everyone is awestruck by the photos... except Ling-Ling, of course.]
LING-LING[pissed]: (No fair... Ling-Ling want to defeat them first...)
XANDIR: I really like to take pictures of positive things, things that totally give me a feeling of accomplishment. I don't like taking pictures of anything negative, because they're really disgusting and icky.
[Xandir turns the photo album to a blank page.]
XANDIR: Yet a lot of the pages are still blank... major disappointment, huh? I totally hope to complete them one day. If I complete this, I swear I will be one step closer to getting 100%, and an S rating!
STAN[laughing]: Yeah, that'll be so cool... hang in there, dude!
XANDIR: Hey, I've got a great idea! Why don't I add a picture of all my wonderful friends to this book?
STAN: Yeah, that's a great idea!
XANDIR: Okay, group photo time! All nine of you, stand in front of the TV!
[The other eight contestants, and Waitohooru the host, get into "group photo mode" in front of the TV.]
TOOT[fluffing her hair]: I hope you get my good side!
[Xandir aims the camera at the group of nine, and presses a button to make a little light on the camera flash. He sets the camera down, and joins the others to finish the group photo.]
XANDIR: Okay, everybody, say "cheesies"!
ALL: Uh... cheesies!
[The group of ten, Stan included, obediently smiles in front of the camera, which flashes... taking the group picture. Xandir pulls the photo out of the camera, and places it in a blank page in his album.]
XANDIR[excited]: Ooh, all ten of us are totally smiling, AND we're facing the camera! That'll definitely net me some major experience points here!
WAITOHOORU: Everyone, let's hear it for Xandir and his photo album!
[Everyone applauds Xandir, including Ling-Ling, though he probably doesn't even mean it... you'll find out why eventually, be patient! Xandir returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Only two more presentations left! Wooldoor Sockbat, you're up next!
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Wheeeeee!
[Wooldoor gets up, and shows everyone his creature comfort item --- his teddy bear.]
WAITOHOORU[giggling]: I should have known...
WOOLDOOR: Hi, everybody!
STAN: Uh... hi, Wooldoor.
WOOLDOOR: Today, I want to show you my bestest friend in the whole world! His name is Mr. Bear! Say hi, Mr. Bear!
[Wooldoor's teddy bear, Mr. Bear, does not speak.]
WOOLDOOR[to Mr. Bear]: What's that, Mr. Bear? You want me to tell everyone how I found you?
[A lot of the housemates are giggling.]
WOOLDOOR: Okay, everyone, since he asked so nicely, I'm going to tell you how I found him! I'll tell you about this one morning I had when the sun was shining! I love the sun! He makes my days feel oh-so-special!
SPANKY[pissed off]: Get to the damn point already!
WOOLDOOR: All right, then! One day, after I left my house and went for a walk... I went to the store, and saw this cute, adorable teddy bear in the window! Of course, I had enough money to pay for it, since I'm such a good little boy!
STAN: Okaaaay.
WOOLDOOR: And the rest... [lifts Mr. Bear into the air with his hands] is history!
[A few of the housemates clap for Wooldoor.]
WOOLDOOR: Wheee!
[Wooldoor returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: That was... uh, not bad, actually. And finally, we have Ling-Ling! Please show us your creature comfort item!
[Ling-Ling gets up, and takes his place in front of the others. He pulls out a sketchpad from sketchpad space and shows it to the group.]
LING-LING: (Okay, this sketchpad is creature comfort item... much better than pathetic items you all have, of course.)
[Ling-Ling flips some pages, and shows everyone some VERY COOL sketches of various items, people, and places he drew.]
LING-LING: (You can all watch and witness Ling-Ling's exquisite sketchings, and of course, you will never emulate them successfully, because you will all be dead before then.)
[Ling-Ling next shows everyone sketches he made of the anime characters who won some of the Animation Alliance's shows --- viz., Digimon's Tai from Animation Survivor, Tenchi Muyo's Tenchi from Anime Mole, Love Hina's Kitsune from Anime Mole 2, Digimon's Mimi and Yolei, along with Evangelion's Shinji from Pokéball Run, and Cardcaptor Sakura's Li and Meilin from The Animezing Race (even though it's technically not an Animation Alliance series).]
XANDIR: Wow!
LING-LING: (Ling-Ling like reality TV show that have Japanese cartoon character participate, and feel so elate when they win. Gerald from Animation Survivor 2 not included here because he is American.)
STAN: You're a real fan of Animation Alliance, huh?
LING-LING: (Close enough, little American boy.)
[Ling-Ling turns the page, and shows everyone a REALLY COOL sketch of all nine contestants that he made earlier.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Wow, that is so cool!
XANDIR: How nice!
STAN: Oh my god... that's me...
WOOLDOOR: I'm in this one too! Yaaaaay!
FOXXY: Lawd, Ling-Ling, you really know how to make Foxxy represent!
TOOT: Niiice, Ling-Ling! I look so sexy here!
CLARA: I guess the Japanese ARE really good artists!
[Ling-Ling closes the sketchbook, smiles, giggles a bit to himself, and returns to his seat.]
SPANKY[to Ling-Ling]: And next time, speak some English, okay?
STAN(CC): I watched as everyone showed me their creature comfort items, and that really tells me a lot about their personalities... and all of them are really, really, freaky!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, let's hear it for Ling-Ling!
[Everyone applauds Ling-Ling's "exquisite sketchings".]
WAITOHOORU: It is really nice to see nine contestants here... well, it's almost beddy-bye time, and I hope all of you are really looking forward to sleeping in your new rooms... particularly Xandir, since he gets a room all to himself!
XANDIR[modestly]: Aw, you don't have to say it...
[Ling-Ling continues to glare daggers at Xandir.]
WAITOHOORU: Well, good night, and sleep tight... because for one of you, it will be the last night you will get to sleep with your eight housemates in the Drawn Together house.
[All of the contestants, including Stan, are shocked.]
STAN(CC): Waitohooru told us that tonight was going to be the last night one of us would be in the Drawn Together house. I hope it's not me, because, dude, I want to win this so bad...
WAITOHOORU: That's right. Tomorrow, we are going to have our first eviction ceremony, where the hopes and dreams of one of you cartoon characters will be crushed. For now, that's all I will tell you about the eviction ceremony... you'll find out more when we have our first immunity challenge. I'll see you all tomorrow morning.
[Waitohooru leaves the Drawn Together house through the front door, and closes the door behind him.]
* * *
[Cut to a nighttime shot of Stan, in his pajamas, exiting the bathroom. He is about to go to the Blue Room to sleep when he hears a noise from upstairs.]
LING-LING(OS): (Hand over!)
XANDIR(OS): Ling-Ling, didn't you hear the host? This room belongs to me now, and I totally wish I could let you sleep in it, but I can't, 'kay?
LING-LING(OS): (You really asking for challenge, are you not? I give you!)
STAN[shaking his head]: Hoo boy...
[A groggy-eyed Stan walks upstairs, and sees Ling-Ling charging up a purple energy sphere, and aiming it at Xandir, who is just about to enter the Master Bedroom.]
STAN(CC): I think it may have been me, but Ling-Ling reeeally wanted to sleep in the Master Bedroom with Xandir. What, doesn't he like sleeping with Clara and Foxxy? I mean, who doesn't want to sleep with two hot, young women?
[Stan approaches Ling-Ling, and tries to talk some sense into him.]
STAN: Uh, dude, what the hell are you doing?
LING-LING: (Silence, American. Once Ling-Ling kill elf-demon, Ling-Ling get Master Bedroom all to self! ...Aaand lot of experience points.)
STAN: Can't sleep, huh? Well, at least you don't have to sleep with Toot and Captain Hero, so you should consider yourself pretty lucky!
LING-LING: (Ling-Ling own ROOM make Ling-Ling lucky. Now back off! You throwing off concentration!)
[Ling-Ling pushes Stan aside, and is about to throw a ball of charged energy at Xandir, who is putting on pajama mail.]
LING-LING[to Xandir]: (Go to your death!)
[However... Xandir's pajama mail easily reflects Ling-Ling's shot, causing a massive vein to sprout in Ling-Ling's forehead.]
XANDIR: Aw, that's cute, Ling-Ling, but I totally need my beauty sleep. See you in the morning, sweetie!
[Xandir places his armored body within the covers of his new bed, turns out the light, and prepares to fight the demons in the dungeons that exist within his dream. The door also automatically seals shut, knocking Ling-Ling back.]
STAN: Okay, now I reeeally need to go to bed. Good night, Ling-Ling.
[Stan gives Ling-Ling a kiss on the forehead, and walks down the stairs.]
LING-LING(CC): (Ling-Ling feel sad about doing this in front of small child, but watching him lose it give Ling-Ling empowerment. Ling-Ling feel like could take over United States AND Japan... no wait... whole WORLD! No wait... whole UNIVERSE! No wait... MULTIVERSE! Ha ha ha ha ha!)
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Stan entering the Blue Room, and squeezing his way into bed... in between Toot and Captain Hero.]
STAN: Well, good night.
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah... good night. Hopefully it won't be our last night we have to sleep together!
STAN: Uh... we'll see.
[Stan turns off the light, and shuts his eyes. However, while he is sleeping, Toot mumbles in her sleep.]
TOOT[talking in sleep]: Food... must have food! So hungry!
[Toot rolls over, and begins gnawing on Stan's arm, causing Stan to open his eyes in horror.]
STAN: W... what the f***?!
STAN(CC): I mean, just as soon as I go to sleep, Toot begins eating my arm! You see, this is why I didn't want to share a bed! I mean... is she a cannibal or what?
TOOT[talking in sleep]: So tasty... Toot want more... Toot want more!
[Toot begins licking Stan's arm uncontrollably... and Stan is still traumatized.]
TOOT[talking in sleep]: What?! No... you can't have any! That is MINE... you bitch!
[Toot rolls over some more, and squashes Stan flat with her huge girth. Stan mumbles something underneath her, but you can't understand what he says. And you thought Kenny was the only one on South Park who mumbles so much you can't understand what he says...]
STAN(CC): And then Toot rolled over me, and... I couldn't move! I could barely even BREATHE!
STAN[mumbling]: Help... help...
[Captain Hero immediately wakes up, when he hears the muffled call for help.]
CAPTAIN HERO: What is it? Is someone in trouble? I'll save you, little boy!
[Captain Hero pushes Toot aside, and crushes Stan with his bulky body.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Never fear, Captain Hero is here! Now... where are you again?
[Stan continues to cry for help under Captain Hero's figure.]
TOOT[talking in sleep]: What's this? A huge hunk of meat has arrived at my door? Toot's prayers have been answered!
[Toot jumps onto Captain Hero's body... and Stan is really crushed flat.]
STAN(CC): And not only did Captain Hero climb onto my body... but Toot had to make it worse. YOU try sleeping under those two people next time you go to bed! Then maybe you'll understand how the hell I felt.
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, where is he?
TOOT: Oh, who cares? Let's just go back to sleep already!
CAPTAIN HERO: Fine with ME.
[Toot and Captain Hero sleep the night away, while Stan is still trapped beneath the two.]
STAN[muffled]: Uh... hello?
* * *
***END EPISODE 1***
***PREVIEW OF EPISODE 2***
WAITOHOORU(VO): Next time, on Animated Joe Schmo...
TOOT: You know what, Stan? I really think... you're kind of cute.
STAN: R... really?
WAITOHOORU(VO): Is there love in the air?
STAN: Y... you really feel that way about me?
WAITOHOORU(VO): An unlikely coalition is formed...
STAN[talking to someone]: Well, I know how you feel, so maybe I should take your side. I didn't want you to go yet anyway.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Is Stan perverted enough to keep his hand on a hooker's breast in our first immunity challenge?
STAN: My parents are really going to kill me after this...
WAITOHOORU(VO): And our first eviction ceremony! Stan won't believe who gets voted off!
WAITOHOORU[talking to the nine contestants]: Eight of you will survive this ceremony. However, one of you will be sent back to the drawing board.
STAN: Damn, dude...
* * *
Author's Notes:
Animated Joe Schmo was filmed in August 2004. This was before "Drawn Together" aired on Comedy Central, and this was before a lot of things happened in South Park that you saw just now... for instance, Mr. Garrison's sex-change operation.
If you've watched Joe Schmo (and I'm not sure you have), then you'll probably notice that I match up the Drawn Together characters with their closest counterpart as best as I can... for instance, I put Clara in Molly's role, Xandir in Kip's, Toot in Ashleigh's, etc. You could easily predict which Drawn Together character gets "evicted" each episode then... if you are correct, good for you. But sometimes I mix things up a bit... throwing you off guard.
Animated Joe Schmo also parodies other "reality fanfics" that you may have written. For example, the mansion arrival sequence is a parody of the first episode of Freedom Fighter's Roomies 1. Now, if only he could put it up on his site, you could compare and contrast... so you can spot the many similarities and differences.
Also, I have hidden references to my two cats, Madison and Billy, somewhere in the chapter. Can you find them?
Stay tuned for the next episode of Animated Joe Schmo, which will have a cameo appearance by a, shall we say, "well-endowed" anime character from the unfinished final chapter of Animezing Race 2... which, by the way, Arpulver, when were you thinking of actually finishing? Hmm?
Sorry... Arpulver. I just had to say that. Please don't kill me!
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Animated Joe Schmo