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Isthmus	By : AwfulLawful Category: +M through R > Megamind Views: 3514 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Megamind or make any profit from this story, it was done purely out of love for the characters.

Chapter List
- 6
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- 8
Adequately Explained by Stupidity
"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." ~ Hanlon's Razor
The tinny, musical ringing made Megamind groan. He lifted his head from the nest of pillows and glared at the device next to him on the nightstand, recognizing it as one of Minion's pilfered common conveniences. The fish must have put it there after Megamind had fallen asleep. The phone vibrated on the surface and only made his lingering headache worse. He considered pitching it out the window, but then considered it might be Minion and answered it with dramatic reluctance.
"Ollo."
Dr. Mardling's voice was brighter than the sunlight peeking in through the windowpanes and just as annoying. "Megamind! Good morning."
"How did you get this number?" he demanded, half asleep.
"Minion called me to make sure I didn't think another visit was needed after your panic attack. I got him to calm down before he called an ambulance or something. Seems like the location of your lair is less important than you are," she said.
"How did he get YOUR number?" he asked, mildly more cognizant now and making a mental note that he owed her one for preventing a media catastrophe.
"I'm listed," she sighed.
"Ugh," he complained vaguely, letting his head thump back down on the pillows.
"Are you alright?" Dr. Mardling asked with concern. "When Minion said you were hyperventilating I figured you were just in shock over the DNA mapping results. It sure as hell shocked me, and it isn't even my DNA."
"If you've called to offer me an explanation-" he started irately.
"Oh, no. I trust that you've figured out everything I did and more," she said.
So she knows, wonderful. Megamind rubbed his forehead with his free hand to relieve the tension. If he mulled over something for too long he tended to get cramps and soreness there, just from the sour expression it caused overtaxing the muscles. He was still reeling over it.
The same species. He and his archenemy were the same species! They couldn't have known; they'd been infants for pity's sake! The fact that it had never occurred to Megamind they might have a closer connection considering they landed on the same planet on the same day from the same general origin and in pods using similar technology heaped so much of the responsibility for it all on Megamind that he'd spent a good portion of last night continuing to piece it all together as best he could. Damn it, he should have figured it out! Or at least questioned it! Metro Man was a thick as a glacier - Megamind had no choice but to accept it as at least 60% his fault that they hadn't known. The remaining 40%, Megamind had decided, was due to Metro Man's superior senses and the fact that he didn't make the connection on their similar interior structures up until recently. The brute had to have some responsibility, after all, especially after essentially stating that Megamind felt… normal to him. Metro Man had never questioned why Megamind was around because the blue man felt like one of the only normal things in a strange alien world.
The growling, too. WHY hadn't it occurred to him to investigate the growling!?
Oddly enough Megamind trusted that the good doctor hadn't told anyone yet so he refrained from making any comments on the matter.
"I'm calling because I have a question," she added, when he didn't answer her.
Megamind sat up and continued rubbing the ache out of his face. While the call was undoubtedly frustrating at this hour he did appreciate that she was calling him for more information and not assuming he needed any more from her. That would have been outright insulting.
"Which is?" he prompted.
"Can you see in infrared?"
He blinked, surprised. "How did you know that?" Then he mentally swore at himself for giving it away.
"I've been researching what effects a red sun would have on an Earth-like planet. The ability to see in infrared seems like something that most creatures would definitely have developed due to the difference in available wavelengths. With less visible light available it would only make sense for-"
"Be careful with that phrase, 'Earth-like'," he warned again. "But to answer your question; yes."
"What does that do to the way you see? Can you see white light too? I KNOW you can see in color."
He sighed and stretched, resigning himself to an annoying morning. "Most often it's a blend. I can see that the notebook on my side table is green, but I can also tell that it's the same temperature as the room. If someone had touched it recently, long enough to warm it at least, I would see a glow at the points of contact. During the night or just in the dark my eyes seem to shift emphasis by themselves to focus more on sensing temperature than light, and visa-versa in bright light. Most often it all blends."
"What color would your skin appear in the light of a red sun? Blue, or-"
"You're thinking of it wrong," he chided irritably. "A red dwarf would still emit white light, merely far less than a brighter star like Sol would. It wouldn't be like those silly science classes where they shine a completely red light on a blue ball to prove it would turn black. Stars don't work the same way flashlights do."
"Right, sorry," Dr. Mardling said sheepishly.
"Think of it this way," Megamind continued. "If Earth itself were orbiting my parent star then the atmosphere would still be blue due to the similar scattering of white light. However, the color would be darker and muted because there will be less of the white light to scatter, and thus the atmosphere far less opaque. Brighter nearby stars would be visible during the day with a more transparent atmosphere. Shadows would have been far darker and sharper, the light reaching the ground would have a red tint, and night would be far darker in comparison due to the lack of ambient light carried throughout the system."
He took a slow, deep breath in lieu of yawning. "However with less white light to scatter, and more red in the mix, the sky would not be entirely blue. The scattering would produce different effects depending on where the sun was positioned in the sky. Think of the sun in the sky right after dawn when the red tint has gone and the sun is just high enough to be in a completely blue sky. On my world the areas immediately around the sun would appear yellow and orange no matter where it was in the sky, then phase to a darker blue outside that, then in the far distance away from the sun one would be able to see hints of green; but for the most part the sky would still be blue."
"That sounds gorgeous," she said sadly. "And how would you look?"
"The light reaching the surface would have a reddish tint, so I would just be a slightly darker blue. Only a few shades, you understand; not truly significant." Here he paused and sighed. "These effects would have been a bit less drastic if the star was a reddish orange rather than red."
"It almost sounds like you're guessing," she ventured carefully.
"Cheating, really. There was a mural I saw of a sunrise or sunset, but my young eyes were still a bit blurred so I'm not certain on the exact color. It didn't occur to bring it up in the interview. I suppose a dark orange star would be more likely since tidal locking would be far too likely with a red dwarf, and that can wreak havoc on a planet's atmosphere and weather," he said.
"That's when the planet stops spinning and the same side of the planet always faces the star? Like the moon does to Earth?" she asked.
"Correct. And I was born after the sun was no longer glowing," he stated simply. "I never saw my world's sky in its normal state – only that mural." His tone went faintly jealous and pitying at once. "Metro Man would have seen the darkening sun, though, from his own world if they lived close enough to the surface of the atmosphere. He was quite a bit older than I was. But, sadly, he isn't able to remember it, so I can't be certain."
Both of them were sullenly quiet. Then; "I'd be tempted to put you on antidepressants, but I don't know what they'd do," Dr. Mardling mused.
"I do! I wouldn't be depressed anymore after a couple of weeks," Megamind said cheerfully.
"Really? "she asked suspiciously.
"Because I'd be dead."
She laughed. "Okay, you're fine; you're just a jerk. I have been wondering, though. How did a red dwarf or even an orange star turn into a black hole? They don't do that, do they? Only really big stars have enough mass to collapse that far. Red or orange doesn't matter here; your star would still have been far too small."
"I can answer that question easily," Megamind droned. "Either it was a sophisticated weapon, a Doomsday Device of some kind, or one of the planets' populations decided to try and 'fix' the fading light of an old star rather than simply relocating to another solar system.. and failed miserably. In other words; our doom was artificial. Sadly, I think I'd prefer to think of it as an attack rather than some clumsy scientist's biggest possible 'oops'," he grumbled. "At least then there would be someone to blame. It isn't as if the larger males of our species weren't intimidating enough to warrant a preemptive strike."
"I'm so sorry, Megamind. I didn't mean to make you dwell on a painful subject this morning. You've got enough to worry about already," she said.
"Don't trouble yourself, Ma'am. The subject itself is at fault, not you," he said plainly.
For a few moments there was another long silence. Tension rose until Dr. Mardling faced the lingering problem head-on.
"We are going to have to tell Metro Man."
"Do you have the slightest inkling," Megamind began acidly, "-how tempted I am to shout 'not it' and hang up on you?"
She laughed. "So why haven't you?"
Because you're correct, he thought. Because I should have figured it out on my own and wouldn't have succeeded without your help, if even just for a different perspective. Because he isn't capable of figuring it out and for once needs MY help with something and he's so dense he didn't even understand how his own super-speed actually works.
"Because I want you to tell me what you know so I can compare it to what I know," he lied. "There's no sense in telling him anything if we're still forming the most likely theories. Knowing that brute it would only confuse him."
She told him. While they talked Megamind was given his coffee and breakfast by Minion, who seemed pleased that he was talking to his doctor, if only on theories and such. Minion started to interrupt the conversation to ask what they were talking about, but Megamind mouthed 'AMBULANCE?' and the fish wisely escaped while he still had the chance.
Dr. Mardling 's typing could clearly be heard in the background while she took notes. "What I don't understand is; why did they live on two different planets?"
Megamind hesitated. This was foggy at best, but it was the only explanation that made sense to him and unfortunately there was no way to gather more evidence. "Not all of them did. I would think it very likely they were using the neighboring planet as a training ground. What other environment would be able to test them? I saw that world only a few times – once as my pod sped away from it and once through transmissions, but the transmissions seemed to be taking place in offices and had no windows. I believe the territories on my planet may have been shared by groups of related males, perhaps in smaller individual family plots in a larger related group."
"Training would clearly be needed to strengthen the next generation of guardians before any real battle occurred or the loss of young males would have been unacceptably high. With higher levels of intelligence involved the older males would have begun teaching the younger, and that would require swathes of the territory which would then be unavailable for the majority of the inhabitants to actually live in purely because of the amount of destruction that would cause. The best way to solve this problem would be to have the training outside of the territory; in great gaps between them or, preferably, not even on the home planet."
Dr. Mardling stopped typing. "You're saying that the planet Metro Man was actually launched from was just the neighboring world that the territorial males used for combat training. And the planet you were launched from was the actual home world where everyone evolved and most of the species lived."
"Well, I certainly couldn't have survived on the other planet," Megamind drawled. "No more than you could survive on Venus. The offices I saw those transmissions taking place in were obviously simple buildings that couldn't have existed on the planet's surface – it would have melted. Think, though, that there are currently terraforming theories on floating colonies that could exist on Venus; simply place them at points in the atmosphere far above ground where the temperatures are similar to those on Earth."
"That IS a good theory," she said, typing again. "But why was he there as a baby instead of-"
"I haven't the slightest clue," Megamind said flatly.
He did though. It could have been one of hundreds of reasons! Megamind found it hard to even list them all. One thing was for certain, though; Metro Man had been chosen to be sent in that pod. For whatever reason it had been, there was no mistaking THAT. The pod had been perfectly designed. Someone funded it, planned it, intended it. That thing wasn't the work of last-minute panic. It made sense even with the limited time frame of days of preparation. The territorial males had more time to build it in due to the speed factor, but it would have been designed by one of the blue people in mere hours. With the right instructions and tools even common electricians, welders, and metalsmiths could build a functional spacecraft given enough time… and super-speed would have given them ample time.
And if Metro Man had been chosen to be sent in that way, it was almost impossible he had been alone. There wouldn't have been just one. No species was that stupid. The chances of repopulation were ridiculously low given the genetic makeup he had seen in the DNA profile without at least four thousand people from diverse gene pools providing genes; not as many as humans would need for a stable gene pool, but easily enough to be challenging. To avoid the popular sire effect that meant a roughly equal number of territorial males and females, as well as enough blue males to activate and distribute the males' genes which added another five hundred at the very least; for comfort's sake it was likely closer to an equal number of blue males as well. Divide into breeding triples, perhaps several families sharing a blue male if resources were taxed too far to send many. Everyone has a territory big enough for their own offspring, everyone plays nice.
Somewhere out there were likely some colonies. More than likely. Almost definite.
Megamind's pod on the other hand had been thrown together by desperate parents who had limited time and resources and only what little materials the territorial male had been able to scrounge together between battles. It was a miracle the thing had worked at all.
If there was a plan, then Megamind had not been a part of it. He may have been considered, which would explain how his parents knew other babies were being sent, but Megamind hadn't made the cut. So they had made their own pod. Even Megamind's gender made sense in that regard; he would have been readily accepted into whatever colony he landed on. He couldn't possibly have interfered with the genetic plan that was already set up, he would have only assisted it.
It was the revelation that had caused the headache and most of the worrying. MORE of their species were out there. They had to be; nothing else made sense. Megamind hadn't a clue where they had been sent, or how many there might actually be beyond his estimates, or why there weren't more of them on Earth. The very inkling that Metro Man had been sent on purpose to Earth and nobody else had made it there was stupid.
He voiced these thoughts aloud and listened to silence while Dr. Mardling thought it over.
She sighed and said, "So either you two are the only ones that made it or the others landed in areas on the planet that are so remote we don't know they're there… or your pods colliding in the asteroid field knocked Metro Man off course and you two were just lucky enough to land on a habitable planet."
"I was hoping you'd come up with something other than exactly what I was thinking," Megamind complained.
"Sorry. I'm only human," she said.
That brought Megamind back to the most upsetting possibility of them all, the one that'd helped in triggering his little panic attack.
What now? Was this the end of The Game?
That was a horrifically depressing thought.
Megamind had been raised in a prison, he had never left the city limits, and the thought of being stuck where he was didn't distress him nearly as much as he thought it probably should. The potential loss of his freedom as it pertained to the whole of Metrocity was basically, par for the course. That was likely, frighteningly, normal. It was just something that his species did. Megamind had to accept the fact that he lived in Metro Man's territory and had never felt any inclination to leave it. Fine, alright, that was probably normal. Unless he was being badly mistreated Megamind was likely to remain content within the territory and have no urge to relocate, and if he did… perhaps Metro Man would feel the need to do something about that. It would have to be tested of course, but he could figure it out.
The possibility that, inevitably, one or both of them would become interested in how this pertained to their future love lives was yet another issue that he would deal with when it came up. Did Megamind think that Megamind would be in any way cruel to him if instinct drew them together? No. Metro Man may be a selfish jackass unintentionally but he wouldn't do so on purpose; that was rather part of his reliability in The Game. Would it be so terrible? Megamind had to admit that his body had decided to react favorably to the scent Metro Man had left behind in the office, which only made him nervous and uncomfortable until he figured out why. It was an odd, disconcerting thought but to be honest what about this entire situation wasn't?
It was the potential loss of FUN that disturbed him the most. When all this came to fore and they started to work it all out, would he have to stop playing? That would be terrible; Megamind knew his place in the world and he didn't fit anywhere else. It hurt just to think about it. No more grand schemes, no more playful banter, no more kidnapping Roxanne… it was gut-wrenching. Oh, the boredom! The nights spent with naught to do but flip through channel after channel of endless mind-numbing drivel! That sounded almost as boring as actually being stuck in prison!
If Megamind couldn't play the Game anymore, then what would he DO? There had never been anything else!
Everything else could wait for the moment. This needed to be tested with the information he currently had available, and while Metro Man was likely still reeling from the brief camaraderie Megamind had allowed during the truce.
"When are we going to tell Metro Man?" Dr. Mardling pressed.
"As a matter of fact, I have an appointment to meet with him today," Megamind declared in a frighteningly chipper manner.
Dr. Mardling was well aware that Suddenly Cheerful Villain was not a good thing. "Wait, what are you talking about?"
"It's Thursday. Miss Ritchi is expecting me. I will let you know if there's time to have a discussion with Metro Man, but in the meantime-"
The woman stood up at her desk and shook her finger at the phone as if she were chiding her son. "Megamind, you are not to hurt that poor girl-"
"Perish the thought," he said.
"-and that is not the only way to get Metro Man's attention!"
"I am aware," Megamind preened. "This is a pre-existing appointment. Not to worry, I have nothing extraordinarily evil planned, just the usual."
"Megamind!"
"Good day, doctor," Megamind said politely and hung up. Then he spent an hour locating where Minion had escaped to so that they could start getting things ready. Megamind certainly wasn't going to glue all that fluff on by himself, and the Brain-bots kept trying to eat it.
Metro Man knew something was amiss.
Dr. Mardling hadn't called him to talk about what she had discovered, other than to say that Megamind was perfectly healthy and he had nothing to worry about on that front as far as she knew. While that was comforting it did not actually explain anything else. And Metro Man had to know. The brief conversation he'd overheard while Megamind was in the examination room with his doctor had been unsettling at best.
Regardless of why the whole thing had started there was now a whole new problem to deal with. WHY had it never occurred to Metro Man that Megamind may face precisely the same problem of feeling perpetually out-of-place? It was so blatantly obvious. They were both aliens, just different kinds. Now that the idea was in his head he couldn't get rid of it. He'd had someone easily available to talk to that might have helped him with it; someone who knew how he felt. Could their entire Hero/Villain game have been avoided if Wayne had just talked to the little guy about it when they were kids? The blue man seemed like he belonged here whenever Wayne had interacted with him. True, he didn't get along with the rest of the people here much, even before he had started strategically holding the most popular girl in school hostage… but Megamind seemed to be so cheerful all the time; he was the perkiest villain Metro Man had ever faced that wasn't legitimately insane about it.
Then again, as far as everyone knew, Metro Man was perfectly content too. Not even Lord and Lady Scott knew that their son was on the verge of a… well, Wayne wasn't sure what it was but it felt like this city might not be worth his effort anymore. Something vital was missing.
And what about Megamind? Was he scared? Angry? Did HE feel out of place too despite Metro Man's perceptions? Megamind probably felt, with good reason, that Metro Man belonged here perfectly well. It had been pointed out to him many times by the villain that he had it easy; at least he resembled a portion of this planet's population on the outside, and how lucky for him that his pod had landed in one of the places where they resided. Given that very valid point, and how acidly Megamind had said it, it was likely.
It was a common ground Metro Man hadn't expected, and he'd never expected it because he was clearly an IDIOT. Another alien from the same quadrant! He was being raised on the same alien world – that should have been obvious, but it had never occurred to Metro Man to mention it. Even after, as Megamind had so accurately stated, the little guy had told him outright they were from the same quadrant several times.
What the hell did that mean, anyway; quadrant? Wasn't that just one piece of a circle? Like, ninety degrees, one-fourth of a circle? Metro Man was pretty sure that was what quadrant meant. Unless Megamind was talking about the same celestial quadrant, and if so then 1) he read too many science fiction stories and 2) that was overwhelmingly redundant if their planets had orbited the same star. If you were in the same solar system then you were also in the same galactic quadrant because of course you were. Referring to a planetary neighbor as living in the same galactic quadrant was like referring to your next-door neighbor as 'also from Australia'. It didn't exactly hint at a reliable measure of distance. You could be talking about someone that lives 5 feet away or any random spot in nearly three million square miles.
Metro Man sighed. Semantics aside, if he mentally put that exact situation to any other alien – give them purple skin, say, and show them to him now as opposed to when he had been a kid. He knew exactly what his reaction would be. He would instantly be interested, fascinated. 'How did you get here? How long have you been here? Do you like it here, or do you feel out of place, because I feel out of place all the time. Do you have urges you can't explain? Food allergies? Does the sun hurt your eyes? Are you too hot or cold? Talk to me.'
Yet, because he'd known Megamind for so long, from a time in childhood where he was still forming social behaviors, he hadn't given it a second thought. Megamind had been the weird kid from the prison who showed up to the school in shackles and came and went with an armed guard and damn that sounded horrible now that he was an adult. Why hadn't Wayne ever thought that was odd? How does a kid wind up in prison that early? And why hadn't he stopped even to wonder why Megamind looked so normal compared to the doll-like flimsy versions of himself walking around, and the females that looked so strange as they aged because something was weird about their color that made them look a little unhealthy to him. Damn it, he should have paid attention to those thoughts.
Come to think of it the thing he loved about Roxanne was how smart she was – that was the main feature he found attractive! If he just went on her looks he had to admit that only those big blue eyes and wide hips and the short hairstyle that made her head look like an independent entity from the rest of her body was appealing. She was still too pale and he felt like he had to guard her at all times, despite the fact that she played the game with Megamind so well that Metro Man had long since stopped worrying about that. She was smart and snarky, emotionally challenging, never let him get away with anything and demanded he pay her respect no matter how powerful he was, and expected him to earn his own respect from her in turn.
Come to think of it, Roxanne was one of two people that treated him like that.
Smiling to himself, Metro Man was about to see if he could locate Roxanne and Megamind to see what they were up to, but he blinked in mild discomfort when the sonic signal declaring an overseas emergency blared through the city at a wavelength nobody but Metro Man would be able to hear. Resigned, he made his way toward City Hall.
"Ah, Miss Ritchi-"
The second the bag was removed she sighed and rolled her eyes. "Do you honestly think I can't hear you yelling 'Places!' through a burlap sack? The fact that you can't see my ears does not mean they've stopped working." She tugged at one leg a little and frowned when she realized they were tied to the chair. She had really wanted to try and kick him today, too.
"Humor me, if you please," Megamind suggested politely. "Today is a special occasion."
"Is either video or audio on yet? Can anyone see or hear me outside this room?"
"Er… no. Why?"
Minion gaped while looking up at the screen they had currently displaying the news network that Roxanne worked for. "Sir, I think there's a bit of a problem." Megamind momentarily looked his way, but was distracted by his captive's sudden outburst.
"Good, because I have got to tell you I am getting really tired of this sh-" a white fluffy obstruction wandered aimlessly between her and Megamind, stunning her a little. "-eep?" She looked around herself at the obviously mechanical but still skillfully made bundles of white fluff that were mock-feeding on the carpet. "Sheep," she stated blankly. Then she asked him incredulously. "Sheep?"
Megamind crossed his arms defensively. "Yes. Why? Are you going to claim I'm predictable again?"
"Sir," Minion ventured again, motioning toward the screen.
"No, no… I can honestly say I did not expect sheep." Roxanne shook her head and sighed. "Why sheep?"
"Why not?" he defended, looking a bit put-out.
"Megamind, the schedule is not set in stone, ok? If you needed more time to come up with something a bit more dynamic than robotic sheep you could have just had Minion call me-"
"SIR!"
"What!?" both Megamind and Roxanne said, turning back to Minion.
The fish merely pointed up to the screen. Metro Man was prominently displayed, albeit at a great distance, assisting with what looked to be a natural disaster. There was a lot of smoke and glowing in the scene, but that could have been anything from a bomb hit to a wildfire to a particularly overzealous rock concert.
Roxanne blinked at this and looked with interest at Megamind, wondering what he would do.
"Where… is he?" the blue man asked hesitantly.
"Um, he's in Iceland, Sir."
"ICELAND! How long has he been there!?"
"Just got there, Sir. About two minutes ago," Minion sighed. "It looks like he'll be busy for a while. Flood basalt situation."
Megamind looked around him at the robo-sheep, his wonderful background setup, all the lights and effects and the music ready to blast into the city… and groaned. He muttered angrily while clenching his hands at his sides, feeling quite put out. He'd spent so much time on this one! And he didn't even have anyone to blame for it failing to kick off properly, unless magma flows counted, which they didn't. He hadn't even announced to anyone what was going on yet – he had been seconds away from it, though! So close!
On that thought he cooled off; it would have been far more devastating to have to call off a caper he had already begun and made public than to simply postpone it with the city none the wiser. After all, the magma wouldn't have waited for Megamind to finish his glorious speeches, would it? No, he'd actually been two minutes lucky today, as opposed to his usual two minutes damned. What could have been more humiliating than Metro Man merely snatching Miss Ritchi away and leaving him to pout while the hero rushed off to another landmass entirely without so much as a showman's acknowledgement?
The only really frustrating part of this was that he wouldn't even get to test his theories.
"Are… we doing the thing today?" Roxanne asked slowly. "I mean, do you want to wait or something?"
Megamind turned awkwardly back toward Roxanne. "Well, this is embarrassing."
The villain rubbed his still tense forehead with one hand while he reached behind him to turn off the largest switch that would shut down all of the most power-guzzling things he'd set up. He missed twice because he wasn't looking toward it, then the sound of an awful lot of coils and humming machinery wound down to near silence.
"No. We're not 'doing the thing today'," he conceded. It took a moment, but he pulled himself together and faced Roxanne, giving her a little flourished bow. "Even evil must know when to postpone a good party. With one of the guests of honor unaccounted for it would be in poor taste to continue. I do apologize for the inconvenience, Miss Ritchi. Minion, take her home if you please."
"Right away. Miss Ritchie," he apologized, pushing the plunger on the spray… which wheezed and failed to work. "Oooh… um. Out of spray, Sir."
Megamind sighed dramatically. "Then use the-"
"Don't you DARE hit me with that stick!" she hissed so coldly that both of them gave her a surprised look. "Last time I swear I had a concussion and I have important things to do tomorrow and ER visits are expensive! These kidnappings are inconvenient enough without the medical bills!"
"Um…" Megamind and Minion turned around and went into a huddle. "Do we have more spray stored here?" the blue man asked.
"Sorry, Sir. I don't think so."
"Well we can't just put the bag back on and drive her home conscious, her sense of direction is too good and she'll know where this lair is!"
Minion frowned. "You're sure I can't use the Forget-Me-Stick?"
"I can hear you." Roxanne said behind them.
Megamind sighed. "She's been a good sport, we owe one reasonable request I suppose. It would be more convenient though-"
"Hey, YOU don't hit me with that stick and I won't tell anyone about your sheep," she offered hopefully, giving them a little smile. "We can just pick this one up later? And you'll have more time to expand on the plan."
"Oh, thank you, Miss Ritchi!" Minion said appreciatively. "Sir, I can go to the nearest lair to get another can of spray."
Roxanne sighed in relief. "Go get more; I'll wait."
Megamind groaned. "That'll take at least an hour."
"Like you have something better to do than talk to me?" she asked simply. "I know the rules."
"THIS was never planned for so I don't have any rules for it!" Megamind groused, crossing his arms.
Roxanne rolled her eyes and sat up straighter. "So.. let's make some more. You can do that, right?"
Megamind, genuinely startled, stared at her in surprise.
"I'll go get you two some snacks for while you wait, okay?" Minion said cheerfully. He disappeared before either of them could argue, but Roxanne did shout a request for coffee.
Megamind started to argue, but he was left staring at the door Minion had shut with his mouth open. He shut his mouth and rubbed the back of his neck while he turned back to Roxanne. This was an… odd defeat. Or was it a defeat at all? He already knew he would have to establish new rules for the game were Metro Man was concerned, and in a way he was still testing his boundaries in how it was to be played in the future; merely with a different player. "Did you have a trade-off in mind?"
"For one thing we'll have to upgrade me from captive to guest. I don't think I can have my snacks while I'm tied to the chair," she suggested.
Megamind stood attentively with his arms crossed. "Oh, and I suppose the trade is you don't kick me in the serious bits?"
She laughed, a surprisingly pleasant sound to be sure. Megamind thought and didn't suppose she had ever laughed because of something he'd said before. "We'll call it a general 'I promise to behave' thing, ok? What about you?"
He mulled it over for a second and decided since she had already created a casual atmosphere, he may as well participate in it. It wasn't as if the caper was going to continue regardless, and Metro Man was most definitely not coming to get either one of them. Megamind pulled his rolling chair over and sat in it backwards, leaning his arms on the back rest and his chin on his arms. "I suppose if, during such times as you qualify as a guest, tying you to the chair would be a bit rude. Since you clearly prefer the spray over any other method of capture… we shall compromise. Therefore; no tying up guests, you behave, and in exchange for everything we discuss here being entirely confidential, Miss Ritchi, I will discontinue the Forget-Me-Stick for you. How does that sound?"
"Great, I can definitely agree to that one," she said.
Megamind laughed wryly. "Not that your boyfriend in tights will allow this to happen much anyway."
She groaned. "For the last time, Megamind; Metro Man and I are NOT involved. We're just friends."
"I am aware, though he feels compelled to protect you regardless, and thus you are still an effective captive. I am quite certain you were involved for some time, though, were you not?" he asked as he nodded to a Brain-bot, which began to untie her.
"WHY is everyone so interested in that? YES, okay? We were dating for a little while; it just didn't work out and we're still friends." Once her hands were free she brought them up and rubbed her wrists to be rid of the lingering pressure. "First of all, he's just not my type. Second, there was no real emotional connection. I like Metro Man and he is very much a good guy, but that doesn't change the fact that he never took any real interest in my day-to-day life. There was no interaction aside from necessity."
"Really?" he asked, interested. If she could, even inadvertently, give him clues on how Metro Man behaved in a relationship then this day might not be a waste after all! "What else?"
She stopped and gave him a suspicious glare. "That confidentiality thing goes both ways, right?"
"Of course; all rules work both ways," he said seriously, then teased her. "So if you ever have me captive you are forbidden from hitting me with sticks. It's only fair."
Roxanne laughed again and Megamind was surprised at how nice it felt to be the one causing it. "Why are you interested anyway?"
"Mere curiosity. You seemed like the perfect match; the one thing in shool I never really questioned was how much he adored you. He didn't miss the chance to ask you to every dance, talk to you every day, every class when we were assigned into groups he would scramble to be near you. To be honest it was annoying how much of his attention you took away from me," he said.
Her eyes locked onto his, profoundly interested. Good. She was almost in reporter mode. If he got her there and knocked her out of it quickly enough she'd be off-guard and he could plant little ideas that would simmer there and give him an edge in their interaction. Wouldn't the hero be surprised the next time he ridiculed Megamind in private and Roxanne defended him? If he did that. It was possible, Megamind supposed.
She tried to recover by teasing him back. "It almost sounds like you had a crush on him yourself, Megamind."
Theatrics; put on a show. Megamind lowered his head just enough to settle the bridge of his nose on his arms, hiding his expression from her while he appeared to think it over. He looked away just as he saw the interest peaking back up and didn't speak until she prompted him.
"Megamind?"
Ah, that sounded deeply inquisitive. Somewhat apologetic too. Should he go for the pity ploy? Why not? It wouldn't be lying, after all.
"Nothing like that, Miss Ritchi," he said plainly. "But how would you feel if you were one of only two aliens on the whole planet and, despite you trying to bring up the subject several times, the other one never considered that subject, or really you, worthy of conversation. If the only other human in a strange world saw you on a daily basis for years and never, not once, tried to offer any sort of council; if only because they fit in a bit better than you did."
"He did it to you too," she said, blindsided.
Megamind huffed. "I believe that's my line. I hadn't considered he'd been so dismissive to you as well, not with the way he treats you in public at least."
She winced. "It wasn't that. He wasn't dismissive per se. It was more like once he had me there was no point in doing the romantic stuff anymore. I mean, it'd be normal to fall into that 'to each their own' routine much later after we'd been together for ten years or so, but not right off the bat. The second he had me it felt like there was no reason to keep up with me anymore. There was no more effort involved. He just wanted me nearby and interacted with me when he wanted something or thought I wanted something. Otherwise he pretty much treated me like an appliance; something you want to have in your house but don't think of unless you need it to function for you at that time."
*If he stayed with you constantly he wouldn't be able to protect you from threats at the border,* Megamind thought to himself. He found himself angry on Metro Man's behalf.
She continued. "And I get that there are emergencies and people need saving, but it was like flipping a switch with him. There was never a 'Gotta go,' or 'Be right back,' or even a single 'Sorry.' He just disappeared. Mid-statement, sometimes. There and gone."
"That may be accurate, but it is also unfair," Megamind pointed out calmly. "Much as he may look it; Metro Man is not human; he is an alien. An entirely divergent creature that would certainly have his own instincts and desires as far as courtship and interaction with a mate would go. Maybe how he treated you is normal for his species. Judging how he behaves in a romantic relationship by human standards with no compromise on satisfying the desires of both people involved is just unreasonable and, really, somewhat cruel."
"Wow… I never actually thought of it that way." She said guiltily. "I mean it's so easy to forget he's not just another human until he flies off to save the day."
Megamind lifted his head and mused aloud, "It seems to be a benefit to his social life that he at least physically resembles humans, but it may be a detriment as well because that makes people expect him to act human as well when he isn't one. I hadn't thought of that before." That was honest. "I think I was too jealous of how well he fit in to consider he might be metaphorically wearing a mask all the time. What natural behaviors and instincts has he been trained out of expressing?"
Roxanne looked guiltily at the floor. Megamind had definitely hit both of them with that one. "What about you?" she asked.
Megamind took his turn giving her a suspicious look. "No nosy reporter skills," he warned.
"Confidential. Promise."
When Minion dropped off their snacks and coffee Roxanne had conspicuously stopped what she had been saying, mid-sentence, and he left to the sound of nervous laughter behind him. Whatever they were talking about he was going to ask Megamind when he got back. It took less than an hour before he returned, and when he did he noticed Metro Man hovering near one of the upper windows of the lair. Minion grinned and waved at him, calling him down.
Metro Man looked… ruffled was polite. It had clearly been a battle with nature that day.
He motioned toward the floor that Megamind and Roxanne were on and simply waited for Minion to explain.
"Oh, uh… there was going to be a caper today, but we kidnapped Miss Ritchi just before you were called away. Since you were clearly unable to make the appointment, with a very acceptable reason, there was a discussion and then a coffee break and… well it's all a bit odd." Minion said. He hoped that Megamind had taken the time to put the sheep away by now, though. "What were they talking about?"
"Uh… High school," Metro Man said in bewilderment.
"That makes sense," Minion nodded. "You should go and, uh, rest up. You look a bit-"
"Singed." Metro Man settled for flatly.
"Yes, that. Don't worry, I'll make sure Miss Ritchi gets home safely. We'll just have to reschedule."
"You guys actually do have a schedule, don't you?" Metro Man drawled, shaking his head.
"Goodnight, Metro Man." Minion said cordially as he turned toward the lair.
The hero took a breath and looked in on Roxanne one last time before flying off, feeling a bit useless. Apparently, if he didn't show up Megamind and Roxanne's problems just solved themselves.
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