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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!	By : V021 Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2643 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
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New chapter with enough slash to keep me from disappointing you all over again. Oh, I do so enjoy the sound of Jhonen’s hate-filled screams… Spoofs those “ANGST!Zim gets the SEX” fics. I’d also like to thank my good friend Fig for giving me some much-needed inspiration.
WARNING! Painful, icky, and non-con smut at the end because Keef is ready made to be molested by aliens…And I never said this was purely ZADR slash…
Chapter 7: Prelude to Agony
A hangover stampeded across his brain like the hooves of a thousand mugwumps, but Zim felt good despite the pain. In fact, he was feeling the best he had in a long time. Shame this surging euphoria didn’t satisfy the hunger tingling in his belly. What he needed was snacks, and he needed them fast. Yet all his snacks were locked up in the base! Luckily, the International House Of Eating 24-7 loomed up right across the street from him. He was sickened by the thought of consuming earthen food but if he wanted to stop the hunger...
“Good morning, sir! How may we service you today?” chirped the I.H.O.E. 24-7 waitress when he stepped through the doors. She was the most pert and perky example of girl Zim had met since that HORRIBLE Mary-Anne creature. And worse, this one wasn’t a robot…
“I desire food!” the alien snapped, trying hard not to reach for his disintegration gun.
“Alrighty! Smoking or non?”
“Eh…” He glanced around. There was a smallish room filled with truckers puffing away. The rest of the eatery was empty except for one scruffy guy hunkered in a booth at the back. “Non.”
Soon, Zim found himself at a booth, complimentary coffee urn at hand. He didn’t even bother looking at the menu, simply ordering a burger and fries before waving girl off. As he waited, Zim found his gaze wandering back to the scruffy guy.
The screen of his laptop hid the guy’s face but that scything shock of hair looked incredibly familiar…
“Inconceivable!” Zim hissed, shaking it off. “It’s not possible that he’d be here.”
A few seconds later, Zim’s paranoia got the better of him. He chanced a look back at the guy, just to make sure that he wasn’t Dib, but the guy had gotten up to leave. He almost managed to see the guy’s face at the register before the waitress with her food tray blocked his view.
“MOVE! GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Zim snarled as he frantically tried to crane his neck around her.
She giggled at his attempts “Don’t worry about the bill, sir! That nice young man already paid it.”
When she pointed out the window, Zim twisted around just in time a pale coup whip out of the parking lot. He vaulted over the waitress and barreled out the door, rushing blindly down the street after the coup. The chase lasted nearly twenty blocks, punctuated by a few moments when Zim almost caught the possible Dib. Finally, winded and still hungry, the alien gave up.
“That couldn’t…have been Dib…”Zim panted as he held onto a stop sign for support. “I’m hallucinating again… The drugs…they must be wearing off…”
He popped back a few more pills, then straightened and glared down the dark, empty street. “Damn all of you DIRTY APES! When I conqueror your MISERABLE planet, the first thing I’m going to do is have every last fucking one of you that even vaguely resembles Dib drug out into the street and SHOT!”
“THUNCK!”
“Eh?” Surprised, Zim looked at the broken signpost in his hand. He glanced quickly around to make sure nobody saw him do that and, satisfied there were no witnesses, speedily marched away as if nothing had happened.
Yet there was still the hunger gnawing away at Zim’s fleshy insides, growing to the point that even his meat-brains were heaving from its strange prickly heat. He briefly considered going back to I.H.O.E. 24-7, but immediately nixed the idea because Zim, knowing all about girlish TREACHERY, was certain that vile waitress-creature had poisoned the food. On the other hand, where else could he go for snack foods at 4 ‘o clock in the morning?
Then, in a brilliant flash of plot railroading, Zim caught sight of the gleaming shelves laden with snacks in a 24-7 convenience store. Cheerful that his salvation from the hunger was nigh, he hustled inside and began ransacking the store for every kind of junk food he could find. When at last he was unable to hold another packet of Dip-Stixs, Zim stumbled up the counter and dumped his load upon it.
“Jesus,” muttered Todd, the new night-clerk, staring at the heap. “I’ve never seen anyone get this much chemically preserved, sugar-laden garbage… Except maybe the scary neighbor guy…”
“Yes, yes… Fascinating. Now, do your PATHETIC job and be SILENT!”
Todd let out a tiny ‘squee!’ but did his duty. Even so, he kept staring up at Zim.
“What the hell are you looking at?”
“Sorry,” Todd squeaked. “But I’ve never seen a green-skinned and noseless person with three fingers before. In fact, you look like a cheesy alien invader from one of those late-night movies…”
“Alien! Me!” Laughing too loudly, Zim shook his head. “Don’t be silly, earth boy! I am as normal as you.”
Suddenly, Zim’s contact popped out and one antennae slipped free from his wig.
For a second, neither one said a word nor moved. Then Zim hastily readjusted his INGENIOUS disguise.
“You didn’t see that…” he hissed threateningly, tossing the money in Todd’s face and grabbing the snacks.
Todd smiled that twitchy smile of the mortally terrified as he muttered, “I’m not even supposed to be here today…”
Zim, meanwhile, had begun to wander the city again while munching away at his epic haul of snacks. However, no matter how many Dip-Stixs or Poop Bars he gorged upon, the hunger remained. Finishing all that and a bag of chips, Zim plopped down on the bus-stop bench.
“I don’t understand!” he huffed to himself. “I’ve eaten enough for an Irken triple my height and weight! So why am I still so hungry?”
Ruminating, Zim was struck by a thought. “Perhaps these INFERIOR Earth chemicals are over-stimulating my hunger responses… To stop this infernal hunger, I must stop taking the drugs! But, if I do that, my chemical regulators will fail and I’ll go CRAZY again. Yet I can’t keep eating like this! I haven’t enough monies left and I can’t go make more with the base in lock-down! Even if I had access to enough monies, I can’t return to that store again. The Squee human saw through my disguise! But I ought to go back there anyway and vaporize him before he goes to the Earth authorities…Wait! Why didn’t I just do that in the first place? And why even bother paying for snacks when I’m going to destroy this planet anyway! And why I’m talking to myself like Dib use to…”
Shaken by that sudden insight, Zim leapt up and began walking again. “Focus! I must use my ASTOUNDING Invader training to find some place with free food without drawing any undue attention to myself! A place where I can also store enough medication to use till I can figure out a way to fix my regulators. A place that is low-profile and not too conspicuous…”
Unaware that he was now in the suburbs, Zim continued pondering temporary bases as he meandered up the brick walkway flanked by sunshine yellow mums. He had passed the kitsch lawn gnome and smeared grim over the cutesy ‘Welcome!’ mat before the solution hit him.
“Of course! How could I be so stupid!” gasped Zim, yanking the door open without thinking. “I’ll just go take over Dib’s base! It’s got everything I need: a lab, computers, an arsenal, med-units, Tak’s ship…”
Smug grin plastered across his face, Zim nonchalantly waltzed into the house only to be pounced upon by a very distraught Keef.
“Oh Zim! I was so worried!” sobbed the boy as he clung onto Zim like a cuddly leech. “When you ran off, I knew must’ve been something I said! I’ve been waiting the whole night and would’ve waited forever for you to come home so I could apologize! I’ve been so insensitive! Dragging you to the mall! Always bugging you and acting like some dumb kid! Oh, how could I even begin to understand the pain you’re going through? Oh PLEASE Zim! Forgive me!”
Zim barely heard Keef’s wailing because it was drowned out by the overwhelming surge of hunger. The seething, brain-boiling intensity caused long suppressed primordial instinct to awaken within Zim’s meat-brain and began screaming for action. What that action was eluded him thanks to the sudden lose of all logical thought. Keef’s frantic hugs and cuddles was only complicating things…
“Bathroom!” gasped Zim, finally pushing Keef away. “I need to go to the bathroom!”
Free of the boy’s angst ridden clinging, Zim rushed into potpourri-scented bathroom and locked the door behind him. His breath came in ragged gasps as he tried to figure out what just happened. Was his Pak malfunctioning again? Or had Dib’s youthful sabotage included some insidiously slow-acting deathtrap, triggered when he nearly killed the human? Or could it possible be that he wanted sex?
…Wait. Sex?
Invaders didn’t have sex. Like most Irkens, they lacked the equipment for sex. Only the Tallers or Breeders fully developed that way. A functional Pak’s hormonal suppression prevented both the onset of pubescence and those revolting bodily changes, like growing much taller and thinner than was natural. Zim was absolutely certain he knew his own body well enough to have noticed anything unusual.
Glancing in the mirror hung behind the door, Zim abruptly realized just how much taller he had gotten. In fact, he was sure that his was roughly the same height as both the Tallests’ now. He wrapped his hands around his waist and discovered to his utter amazement found that he could easily touch his fingertips together.
“That…that doesn’t mean anything!” Zim growled at himself. “I’m still perfectly normal! Besides, if this was puberty, then I’d also experience horrific mood-swings, violent jealousy, a raise in aggression, and delusions. And I haven’t done any of that, right?”
He thought about all the strangeness that had been going on for the past few months. The weird feelings toward Dib, those pleasant pains in his belly, his Tallest Purple’s odd behavior, the mysterious Other Zim, the hunger…
“Inconceivable!” he gasped at the frightening conclusion. “As MAGNIFICENT and DESERVING as I am, there’s no way I would’ve not noticed this before! If I have become a Taller, then why don’t I have a…a…”
Zim nervously looked down at his crotch. Was that bulge supposed to be there? And when was the last time he’d seen himself fully in the nude? Or, as shameful as the idea was, even closely examined down there? Hell! For all he knew, there could be a hideous Earth parasite attach to him right now, sucking away at his sweet delicious blood!
Frantically, Zim stripped his clothes off and checked every inch of his body for anything abnormal. His skin was a uniformly smooth green except for the faint scars from his last battle with Dib and, oddly, a tattoo of a flaming skull holding a rose in a bleeding heart above a ribbon that read “Boss” on his shoulder. He still couldn’t figure out where that had come from… Everything else looked normal…everything but that peculiar, swollen violet slit in his lower abdomen.
Poking at it, Zim stifled a pained cry and jerked his hand away. He grimaced disgustedly at the pasty goo, but it took more than pain or icky fluids to stop the determined Invader. Zim readied himself and thrust a claw into the slit only to rub against something hard yet rubbery, sending a jolt of ecstasy up his spine.
To his immense relief, it made the hunger subside a little. Zim pulled his finger out then slipped two fingers into the slit, twitching them back and forth experimentally. His knees buckled at the sensations rocketing through his body, awestruck to discover that the faster and harder he touched, the better it felt. It was also fascinating to find that the rubbery, hard bit grew and pushed back against his fingers the longer Zim moved them about until he felt a sharp twang of pain.
Yanking his hand away, Zim looked down at the little red-violet nub peeking out of the slit and at the skin stretched painfully around a swollen fleshy lump. There was a faint smear of blood on his fingertips, but he decided that getting rid of the hunger was more important than a little pain and, taking a deep breath, grasped at the lump and starting rubbing at it.
Zim growled angrily at the first shots of pain, but soon the growls gave was to groans as he braced himself up against the door. He humped his hips forward, moaning loudly. Eyes closed while he stroked, he found his thoughts drifting back to Dib laying helpless in the Membrane labs… Suddenly the doorknob rattled and in a panic, Zim stopped what he was doing to leap for cover.
“Zim? Are you okay?” Keef asked, peeking his head in.
“Fine! I’m FINE!” gasped the alien as he quickly ducked behind the shower curtain. “I…I was just so busy with my perfectly average human hygiene that I lost track of time! I wasn’t doing anything dirty!”
Keef blinked. “I never said you were…”
“Oh…” Zim let out a nervous chuckle. “Eh, I’m getting dressed now.”
“Okay!” With that, Keef ducked back out and shut the door.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Zim stepped out of the shower. He swore under his breath when he tried awkwardly to button his pants, then cursed out loud at the way he had to crush the newly risen nub back in to avoid catching anything in the zipper.
“Fucking Keef!” he rasped, wincing at the uncomfortably pleasant tightness. “With his clingy clinging and his stupid friendship! Following me constantly… Always popping into my quarters… He never gives me a moment alone! And his incessant talking!” Dropping into an asinine Keef impression, Zim chirped, “ ‘Morning buddy! Wanna do some moronic human bonding today?’-‘I have a GREAT idea, Zim! Let’s go pick flowers together! It’ll be soooo much FUN!’ ARAGH! It’s like he’s in LOVE with me or something!”
The revelation hit Zim like a meteor shower.
“Keef? In LOVE with me?” he whispered stupidly, mulling over the implications. An evil smirk spread over his face. “I may be able to use this to my advantage and…. NO! That’s just disgusting! I would NEVER have sex with a human! NEVER! NEVER EVER!”
Five seconds later…
Keef whistled a happy little tune as he began straightening up Zim’s ‘room’. So intent was the boy upon fixing a comforter on the cot that he failed to notice Zim standing without his disguise, ominously shadowed in the door behind him. It was only when he turned around to fluff up the pillows that Keef saw his ‘friend’.
“Oh! Hey Zim,” he chirped brightly. “Sorry about –”
“No. I’m the one that should be sorry…” sighed Zim, stepping out into the dim light to reveal the appallingly sincere unhappiness on his face. “I never meant to be so…so HARSH toward you! So inconsiderate of OUR friendship! I’ve been so UNGRATEFUL! After everything that you’ve done to-eh, for me!”
“Aw, Zim, I understand that you’re still upset about Dib…”
“Dib?” He blanked for a second but recovered the ANGST fast. “Oh yeah…Dib… Alas! How the thought of what happened pains me so!” Dramatically, Zim collapsed onto the edge of the cot and let out an angsty moan. “Oh, if only…if only… No! I won’t burden you, my dearest dear friend, with the anguished passions burning my insides and those secrets that must remain hidden deep within my poor lonely heart!”
“But that’s what friends are for, Zim.” Keef sat down next to the angst-ridden alien. “You can trust me.”
Zim sniffled. “Oh…That’s just what I thought about Dib! But when I revealed to him that I am an alien—” Going way over the top in his acting, he let a wail and buried his face in his hands. In between the faked heaving sobs, Zim chanced a peek between his fingers.
Gently, Keef put a comforting arm about Zim. “It’s okay Zim… I don’t care where you came from or what you are! You’re still my best friend and I swear I’ll never hurt you.”
“Yes you will!” howled Zim, shying away from the embrace. “You humans are all the same! Whenever an ADVANCED civilization tries to embrace you in cosmic FRIENDSHIP, you always treat us like freaks! You’ll do exactly what Dib did! Spreading those HORRIBLE LIES about me being some evil fiend bent upon invading this planet, even though you humans would be POWERLESS to stop my certain CONQUEST! All I ever wanted was to spread intergalactic LOVE!”
“Dib would never be so cruel!” gasped the boy, moving closer.
“You know NOTHING about Dib!” came the snap as his expression darkened. “You know NOTHING about ME! How could you understand the way I felt when that bastard spurned me for that cybernetic bitch…” In his rage, Zim forgot the seduction and let slip a murderous snicker, “Oh, how the girl paid for messing what’s mine…”
Keef stared in shock at the implication. “So that’s what happened…”
“Eh?” Snapping out of psycho-mode, the alien realized what he just said. “It’s not what you think! SHE WAS DEAD WHEN I GOT THERE! The zombies! They—”
“I don’t blame you, Zim”
“…tearing her STINKING entrails out to feast—What?”
“That horrible bitch kidnapped you and then tried to feed you to her evil zombie hordes!” Keef looked up at his green friend, eyes gone all wobbly with sympathy and a peculiar sparkly-ness. “And Dib rushed to rescue you! Arriving just in the nick of time to save you from becoming zombie chow then heroically sacrificing himself to prove his undying LOVE!” He sniffed. “It’s so romantic…”
“Dib never loved me!” spat Zim with paranoid shriek. “No one ever loved me!”
Keef blurted out, “But I love you Zim.”
The silence crashed in thunderously.
“You love me?” mumbled the alien darkly. It can’t be this easy…
Blushing coyly, the boy stared at the floor and nodded.
An arrogant grin slithered over Zim’s mouth. “And would you do anything for me?”
“I’ll do anything you ask.” Keef gasped, turning that crazed, doe-eyed gaze on the alien.
Grin breaking into a perfect tooth-baring smile of VILLAINY, Zim let out an dirty chuckle as he leaned in closer and slipped a clawed finger under Keef’s jaw and sliding his other hand down Keef’s side and around the boy’s waist.
“Anything?” he asked in a breathy rasp, tilting Keef’s head back sharply with a vicious press of his claw.
“Anything.” The boy’s voice wavered slightly but that sparkling adoration remained in his eyes.
Zim smiled like madness, digging his fingers firmly into Keef’s hair he drag the boy onto his lap. With an evil snicker, the alien lunged forward and started biting at the exposed piece of throat hard enough to leave red welts across the skin. Keef began gasping, squirming and trying futilely to shove Zim away but the alien ignored his struggling. Instead of easing up, Zim chewed a way up Keef’s jugular and his tongue slithered over the boy’s cheek leaving a sticky trail of spit behind. His claws wrapped tightly in the fabric of Keef’s shirt and he easily ripped it open, pawing and biting at the fresh skin.
Drawing back slightly, Zim savored the frightened, trapped look in Keef’s eyes a moment before effortlessly flipping the boy onto his stomach. Holding the boy still with one hand, he raked his claws down Keef’s back and quickly parted Keef from his shorts. In a few more fumbles, gropes, and the creative use of hand lotion, Zim was poised to take the rear.
“Wait!” panted Keef, glancing back over his shoulder. “Please! I…I’ve never done this before. Please, be gentle.”
Unfortunately for Keef’s fragile virtue, Zim was only half-listening as laid down against the boy’s back before plunging in and relishing the hardly stifled squeal. He began slowly, wincing at the strange feeling of pounding wildly into such tightness, but it felt so good and soon the thrusts were coming on harder. Between Keef writhing and howling underneath and the thickening pleasure building up inside, Zim felt his mind reeling on the brink of …of something…
Then there came a momentary burst of release, gone almost as quickly as it hit. Zim rolled off Keef and stared up at the slanting roof as he caught his breath. The hunger wasn’t quite gone, but at least he could think straight. He was rather surprised by how disappointed he felt. From all the research he had gleaned over the past five years, Zim had been lead to believe that sex was an experience verging on the epic. During the moment it was fun to make Keef squirm and so was the gratifying little powertrip, but now there was a bored vacuum inside.
Speaking of Keef, he was still dazed from being on the receiving end of one serious mattress pounding. But he managed to shift tentatively onto his side and cuddle up to rather unmoved alien beside him.
Zim groaned miserably, but was feeling too worn-out to shove the boy away. Even though he’d never done it before either but judging from the streaks of blood all over the bed and their skins, Zim had a good idea that his over-eagerness must’ve hurt Keef. And yet the boy had snuggled up to him afterwards with a tearstained but satisfied smile as if nothing was wrong. The alien glanced down at Keef lying with his head on Zim’s chest, fast asleep. He couldn’t help the anger buzzing through his mind. If it had been Dib, there was a good chance Zim would find chunks of himself splattered on the walls by now.
“Damn it,” grumbled Zim. “I never thought I could actually miss Dib…”
Actually, the more he thought about it, the more Zim realized how much more of a challenge there would have been in getting Dib submit. Keef had been too easily subdued and too blinded by his FOOLISH need for LOVE to resist.
Zim hadn’t lied when he said that the paranormalist never loved him. What he’d left out was just how mutually violent the hatred between them had become. Each was filled with a hateful passion for the other that had long-since grown past being dangerously homicidal. He could admit that jealousy drove him to ruin Dib’s life…
Taking a deep breath, Zim closed his eyes and went back to that night of blood and fire. Could any of these MISERABLE monkeys even have come close to possessing the sheer depths of hatred, the total delight in violence that he had seen in Dib’s face? Okay, maybe Gaz could…but he had always deeply suspected that she was never entirely human to begin with… Besides, although it had been an amusing diversion to get a little well-deserved payback on the devil girl, Zim noticed that Gaz never enjoyed their battles the way her brother did.
For a brief moment, Zim almost regretted putting Dib into a coma and in the blackened underworld of his vile little heart, the alien feverishly wished that his greatest nemesis would return to him soon.

(a/n: References were made in this chapter and the last are to the cancelled episode “Ten Minutes to Doom”. And, yes, I know that the sex was a bit rushed, but I’ve always liking being a bit understated about the act when writing sex scenes. That, and typing out “thrusting rod of man-meat…” leaves me laughing too hard to type.)
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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!