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Animated Joe Schmo	By : Waitohooru Category: +S through Z > South Park > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 2639 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoon(s) that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
WARNING! The following story has strong language and adult themes, and due to its content should not be read by anyone. Which means you'll probably read it anyway. And you SHOULD read it, because there's like, hardly any other Drawn Together fanfiction on the Internet, and I'm probably, like, the first fanfic author to ever give the Drawn Together cast members a starring role in a reality-based fanfic! You know, because Drawn Together's a reality TV parody and all... with cartoons...

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EPISODE 6 RECAP
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WAITOHOORU(VO): Previously, on Animated Joe Schmo...
SPANKY: What's my name, Clara?
CLARA: Spanky!
SPANKY[shouting]: What's my name??
CLARA[shouting]: Spanky!!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Spanky did the nasty with Princess Clara...
STAN(CC): Spanky Ham was in there as well, and both he and Clara had their clothes off, and Spanky was obviously doing... something to her that I shouldn't be seeing, or even talking to you about!
WAITOHOORU(VO): And the next day, Clara was obviously upset, so she came to yours truly for advice...
WAITOHOORU: You know what... maybe I should have a talk with her, to try to cheer her up. Clara, if you would...
CLARA: Okay.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Causing Toot to become suspicious...
TOOT: Something's fishy, you guys.
WOOLDOOR: Oh sorry, I had fish for breakfast this morning. [burps] Excuse me.
TOOT: No, I'm talking about Clara... about why she and Waitohooru are so buddy-buddy with each other.
CLARA: Toot, all I did was tell Waitohooru about my panic attack, and how Spanky violated me!
TOOT: And how you want to make sweet love to Waitohooru down by the fire?
CLARA: What?! Toot, are you crazy?
TOOT: Not as crazy as you are, trying to steal my man... you... you man-stealer!
STAN(CC): Yeah, I mean, why are those two girls so obsessed with getting the host's attention anyway?
WAITOHOORU(VO): The reward challenge put Stan in, literally, a sticky situation...
CLARA: Wow... this is the first time my hair has been washed with something other than water!
STAN: Though we'll eventually wash it IN some water to get it out, right?
WAITOHOORU(VO): But since they ended up in last place, and had to remain handcuffed to each other...
STAN(CC): Losing the challenge meant I had to be handcuffed to Princess Clara until the immunity challenge. Of course, it wouldn't be too bad, if it weren't so inconvenient!
WAITOHOORU(VO): The situation became stickier...
[Clara raises her hands in the air in excitement... however, in doing so, she reveals that one of her arms is handcuffed to Stan's. When Prince Charming sees this, he immediately freaks out.]
PRINCE CHARMING: Ay! Dios mio!
[Prince Charming then proceeds to shoot himself in the face, like he did in the Drawn Together episode that he was in. He then drops like a stone onto the cold, hard ground.]
CLARA[crying]: My prince... why?
WAITOHOORU(VO): And stickier...
KING: And you... Clara... what are you doing to this young boy? Molesting him, and handcuffing him to you, treating him like your personal slave... have you no shame?
STAN: WHAT?!
CLARA: Father, listen! Stan and I are like this because we lost a challenge!
KING: Clara... you and... whoever he is... get out of the hot tub right now. We need to talk.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Until the host came to Clara's rescue once again...
STAN(CC): This was unexpected. I thought Clara and I were going to wait until the immunity challenge for the host to free us, and he frees us right away!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan couldn't stomach the pressures of the immunity challenge...
STAN(CC): Honestly, I don't think it's the chocolate itself that's the problem... maybe it's licking it off Foxxy's body that's causing it!
WAITOHOORU(VO): But fortunately... or maybe it was UNfortunately... Toot won the challenge.
TOOT: "POPEYE"!
WAITOHOORU: "POPEYE" is correct! Toot, you did it in four minutes twenty seconds! You beat Spanky's time, so you've won immunity!
TOOT: Yay!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Toot's immunity caused Spanky to commit a desperate act... of murder, that is...
CLARA[crying]: I... I think he's dead, Stan...
STAN: Huh?!
CLARA[crying]: Look... look in the swimming pool, and you'll believe me...
[Stan looks in the swimming pool, and notices Wooldoor's unconscious body lying on the bottom of the pool. Wooldoor's eyes are closed, and his mouth is open, and none of his body parts are moving.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan lost a great ally...
STAN: My god... who could have done this?
WAITOHOORU(VO): But at the eviction ceremony, he also lost a great enemy, as Spanky Ham was expelled from the house for violating one of the rules.
WAITOHOORU: The Animation Alliance has spoken. Spanky Ham, you are officially banned from the Drawn Together house!
SPANKY: I'm not going anywhere! I'm staying right here, so just try to stop me!
[Waitohooru sticks two fingers in his mouth, and whistles loudly. Henry and Dave immediately race down the stairs in their policeman outfits (Tiny Toon Mole, anyone?) and start to grab hold of Spanky very tightly.]
SPANKY: Get the f*** off me, you officers! I didn't do anything wrong!
XANDIR[to Spanky]: Goodbye, Spanky, and good riddance!
STAN[smiling]: Dude, I've gotta say it... kick ass!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Four contestants are left! Will Stan make it to the end? ...Well, you know he's going to make it to the end anyway, but I just wanted to say that.
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[Shot of Stan Marsh.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): This is Stan Marsh, an 8-year-old boy from the hit television series "South Park".
[Shot of the front of the Drawn Together House. The Drawn Together logo is superimposed over it.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): For the next 8 days, he will, without knowing it, be the star of a reality show that he doesn't know is FAKE!
[Shot of the Drawn Together logo shattering into pieces.]
[Montage of the eight Drawn Together housemates.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): He thinks his housemates are characters from actual cartoon shows of the past and present, but what he doesn't know is that all of them were specifically created for a cartoon series called "Drawn Together", which he doesn't know actually exists. His housemates are...
[Shot of Princess Clara singing her heart out outside the swimming pool.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Princess Clara as "The Virgin"...
[Shot of Wooldoor Sockbat, being hyperactive as usual.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Wooldoor Sockbat as "The Freak"...
[Shot of Foxxy Love shakin' her booty while listening to the stereo.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Foxxy Love as "The Sistah"...
[Shot of Toot Braunstein doing her daily routine of cleaning out the fridge.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Toot Braunstein as "The Bitch"...
[Shot of Ling-Ling charging up energy for an upcoming battle.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Ling-Ling as "The Schemer"...
[Shot of Xandir practicing swinging his sword around.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Xandir as "The Gotta-Be-Gay Guy"...
[Shot of Spanky Ham peeing on a couch cushion.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Spanky Ham as "The Asshole"...
[Shot of Captain Hero lifting some weights.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Captain Hero as "The Jock"...
[Shot of Waitohooru, the host, in front of the Drawn Together House.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And me, Waitohooru, as "The Smarmy Host".
[Montage of various scenes from the series.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): How long will Stan last in the Drawn Together House without discovering the truth?
[Shot of Stan in the Drawn Together House, talking to someone.]
STAN: Dude, this is really f***ed up right here.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Find out, on the Animated Joe Schmo Show!
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WHO'S STILL IN THE HOUSE:
STAN MARSH (A-duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh!)
PRINCESS CLARA
TOOT BRAUNSTEIN
XANDIR
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EPISODE 7: WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
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DAY 7
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CAST MEETING
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[Another day, another cast meeting in the trailer while Stan is being interviewed. The three remaining cast members (Clara, Toot, and Xandir) are here, but why are Spanky and Wooldoor here as well? I mean, Wooldoor was supposedly killed by Spanky, and Spanky was supposedly expelled from the Drawn Together house, but... you'll find out what I mean later on in this chapter.]
HENRY: Well, guys, it's just today and tomorrow, and we can finally wrap this experiment up!
TOOT: Good, because I'm tired of playing a bitch!
SPANKY[to Toot]: Who said you were PLAYING one?
[Toot scowls angrily at Spanky.]
SPANKY: No, I'm just kidding. You're a great actress!
TOOT: I've been one ever since the roaring twenties, baby! Hey, when's the food arriving for the reward challenge?
BARB: Oh, the yummy food that is disguised as gross food to freak Stan out? Well, our expert chef is putting the finishing touches on it as we speak...
[Said "expert chef" enters the trailer with the six dishes for the reward challenge.]
LING-LING: (They done! Here you go, six surprisingly heaven designs that are costumed to resemble food of destruction!)
[Ling-Ling shows an example... a plate of tuna fish that is dolled up to resemble a plate of poisonous blowfish.]
XANDIR: Wow, nice! It's like the Fab Five came by and gave ordinary food a makeover!
LING-LING: (Stan will not know difference! Of course, even if not made up, Stan not know difference perhaps anyway.)
ARTIE: And you have to be convincing to make sure Stan won't eat his!
TOOT: Yeah, 'cause if he does, and finds out it's not what he thought it was, he might become very suspicious! Can *I* eat it instead?
JANE: Of course, but after the challenge, and only when he's being interviewed! And make sure to eat it quickly!
TOOT: You don't know who you're talking to, woman! I *always* eat my food quickly!
JANE: You're... quite right. What an idiot I am!
[Spanky looks at another plate of food, which is a plate of pieces of apple pie rolled up into little food balls and gussied up to resemble animal testicles.]
SPANKY: Heh heh... how do you like THEM apples? I like them a whole lot!
LING-LING[giggling]: (Spanky-san, your words fill my body with happiness and make my organs smile!)
SPANKY: Sweet! Anyway, you finished making that extra Immunity Robe yet?
[Ling-Ling shows off his mad sewing skillz (from Episode 3 of Drawn Together, where he had to make those sneakers for the NBA) and whips out a fresh Pimped-Out Immunity Robe.]
CLARA: Ooh, pretty!
BARB: Yeah, only this is an Immunity Robe that Stan can keep when the show is over!
XANDIR: And unlike the one Spanky wore, this one is totally wearable!
SPANKY[to Xandir]: A fag like you WOULD say something like that...
[Spanky lunges toward Xandir, but Xandir raises his sword at Spanky.]
XANDIR: I have a sword, and I know how to use it, so... back off!
SPANKY[nervous]: Yes, master...
WOOLDOOR: All right, everyone! Let's make this the best last two days ever!
[The Drawn Together cast members leave the trailer, leaving the Animation Alliance members to talk amongst themselves.]
MANNY: Thank God it's only two more days...
BARB: Were Jeser and Silverstein on pot when they created those characters?
MIKE: Or is that a rhetorical question?
[The Animation Alliance members laugh.]
SPANKY(OS): Oh, shut up!!!
* * *
[Fast-forward to a shot of the four remaining contestants in the living room. They are very anxious about the last two days they are going to spend in the Drawn Together house. And they are very excited about it.]
STAN: We're finally free...
TOOT: No Spanky Ham to push US around anymore!
XANDIR: This is going to be a super day, I can totally sense it!
CLARA: I can't believe that after tomorrow night, one of us is going to leave this house with one hundred thousand dollars! Oh, and three of us are going to be leaving with nothing.
STAN: I'm glad one of us is going to win, like Spanky ever deserved one hundred thousand? Please... he didn't even deserve ONE dollar after all the bullsh** he put us through!
TOOT: He didn't even deserve a PENNY!
XANDIR: I'd tell you what he DOES deserve, but I have a feeling the Animation Alliance will just edit it out in post.
TOOT: So it's agreed then? We make a promise... to no longer mention Spanky?
[Toot holds her hand out.]
TOOT: Everyone... hold your hand out!
[Stan, Clara and Xandir hold their hands out.]
TOOT: From now on, we are no longer going to say Spanky's name!
CLARA: But didn't you say it just now, Toot?
TOOT: Okay then... from now on, we are not going to say... his name.
CLARA, STAN, AND XANDIR: Promise!
STAN: For Wooldoor!
CLARA, TOOT, AND XANDIR: For Wooldoor!
[The four contestants put their hands back.]
TOOT: And if one of you does say his name, you promise to watch every single cartoon I was ever in for the rest of your life?
STAN: Well, what if YOU say his name?
TOOT: Okay then, I promise to watch every single cartoon that you guys were in.
XANDIR: All right then, it's a deal!
[The four contestants shake hands with each other. At this instant, Waitohooru enters the living room.]
WAITOHOORU: Hey, everyone.
STAN: Oh, hey, dude.
WAITOHOORU: I see we're having fun, aren't we?
TOOT: Yeah, now that you-know-who is gone!
XANDIR: We're having the time of our lives!
WAITOHOORU: Good, I like that. Anyway, I have something to tell you, but first, we have to reintroduce you to someone.
CLARA: Oh my god... who could it be?
[Suddenly, bursting through the front door, energetic as ever, is...]
WOOLDOOR: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
STAN[surprised]: Wooldoor...?!
WOOLDOOR: I'm back! Did you miss me?
STAN(CC): When Wooldoor came through the front door, I felt like I was about to crap myself! [laughs] I thought Spanky had just killed him, and I was surprised to see him come back to life! But then, Kenny keeps coming back from death lots of times, so maybe it's NOT surprising after all.
XANDIR: We're so glad to have you back, but... why?
WAITOHOORU: You must be surprised, huh?
CLARA: Yeah, what happened?
WAITOHOORU: Well, you've probably figured this out by now, but there is a device that the Animation Alliance uses called the McCormick Reaper, which can revive any dead cartoon character.
STAN: Oh yeah... it was from Shougai, I remember!
WAITOHOORU: Ah, smart kid. Yes, it was used in Shougai, and since it was brought up NUMEROUS TIMES during the scandals that plagued Shougai, we figured there was no point in keeping it secret from you anymore.
STAN: So, Wooldoor's okay after all!
WAITOHOORU: That's right! No matter how many times you try to kill one of the other houseguests, that houseguest will come back to life as long as there is the McCormick Reaper!
XANDIR: Well, I'm not going to kill anyone, because I don't want to risk being thrown out!
STAN: Dude, I'm not killing anyone either!
CLARA: Me neither!
WOOLDOOR: Not me!
[Toot hesitates a bit before speaking.]
TOOT: To be honest, I *was* going to kill Clara, but since the McCormick Reaper's gonna bring her back to life anyway, why even bother?
CLARA[shocked]: You were going to kill me, Toot?
TOOT: Yeah, but that's in the past now... plus I don't want to get kicked out like... HE did.
WAITOHOORU: Oh, you mean Spanky? Well, that's what I came to talk to you about...
TOOT: Did you give him the chair? Please say you did!
WOOLDOOR: Why would you want to give that guy a chair?
WAITOHOORU: Actually, it's not that.
TOOT[disappointed]: Aww...
WAITOHOORU: You see, I recently received this note from the producers.
[Waitohooru holds up a musical note.]
WAITOHOORU: Also, the producers gave me information that I have to share with you. After Spanky was apprehended by Henry and Dave yesterday, they had him take a polygraph test...
STAN: So... he was lying?
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WAITOHOORU: Actually... he was telling the truth all along.
WOOLDOOR: *GULP*!
STAN: I hope this doesn't mean what I think it does...
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WAITOHOORU: So basically, what that means... is THIS...
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[At that instant, another familiar faces bursts through the front door.]
SPANKY: I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
STAN: No! Anything but that! Please!
STAN(CC): So much for a stress-free game... now Spanky's back, thanks to some technicality. Damn, just when you think you've finally gotten away from him once and for all, he always finds some way to catch up to you. Well, I've put up with Cartman, so maybe I can put up with this guy for two more days... IF he wins immunity. If not, I can just vote him off, and he'll be off my ass forever!
SPANKY: You know what they say about us Internet toons... you may remove us from your site, but sooner or later, someone's gonna find the original code and put us back online eventually! In other words, we're not dead yet, bitches!
STAN[under his breath]: God dammit...
XANDIR: I guess this is just like the hydra... cut one head off, and another one appears and takes its place!
SPANKY: You're not cutting MY head off! Or the one on my neck!
WAITOHOORU: So, Wooldoor, Spanky... why don't you tell these four people what happened?
WOOLDOOR: Well, yesterday, Spanky was going to teach me how to swim, because I didn't want him bugging me about it!
SPANKY: That's right! I was going to teach him for real, because I figured, since you were all thinking of voting me off, I wanted to do something to make it up to everyone!
* * *
[Cut to the same sequence that was shown to the four contestants in the previous eviction ceremony. We start with the image of Wooldoor sleeping in the deck chair.]
WOOLDOOR(VO): Yeah, but when I was ready... you took FOREVER to show up, so I fell asleep waiting!
SPANKY(VO): Hey, I had to go to the bathroom! People are allowed to do that, you know!
WOOLDOOR(VO): Oh, sorry.
[Then, we see the next part of the sequence, which is Spanky taking Wooldoor out of the deck chair.]
SPANKY(VO): Because I was in the bathroom for a long time, I was late in giving you swimming lessons, so I decided to start by just picking you up and placing you in the pool!
[Then, the next part, which is Wooldoor freaking out upon being dunked in the water.]
WOOLDOOR(VO): The water was extra cold that day! I was very nervous!
SPANKY(VO): You're telling me! It was colder than that time I had sex with a baby seal! Good thing I didn't go in THERE!
[And next, the dramatic portion... where Spanky places a giant anvil on Wooldoor, flattening him, and sinking him to the bottom of the pool.]
SPANKY(VO): I was going to put some water wings or an inner tube on him, but while searching through my cartoon space, I didn't have much time, so I pulled out the first thing I touched, which unfortunately was THIS.
WOOLDOOR(VO): Oh, that was MY anvil. Sorry, Spanky. I don't know how it got there.
SPANKY(VO): Yeah, these things happen. It's just that we've shared the same room for so many days, some of our possessions got mixed up!
* * *
[Cut back to Waitohooru and all six contestants in the living room.]
WOOLDOOR: So... that's what happened.
STAN: My god... that was one crazy-ass story!
STAN(CC): So, apparently from what Spanky and Wooldoor told us, Spanky did not kill Wooldoor on purpose. And I guess I have to believe what Spanky said, since Wooldoor said it as well... because that's apparently what happened before he died yesterday, at least, in his words. I guess it's just one of those instances where people can make hasty judgments about other people simply based on what they did in the past.
WAITOHOORU: And since Spanky's story checks out, he is now back in the game, along with Wooldoor! Which means that six of you are still in the running for the $100,000 prize!
TOOT: Oh darn it... I was kind of expecting that NOT to happen!
WAITOHOORU: However, those aren't the only surprises we have planned for you today! We still have one more reward challenge left to go, and one more immunity challenge. And, of course, we also have two more eviction ceremonies. But for now, get reacquainted with Spanky and Wooldoor. They probably want to find out what happened in the house while they were gone. I will be back later for the final reward challenge. Have fun, everyone!
[Waitohooru leaves.]
WOOLDOOR: Yay! I get to stay in the house another day! Wheeeeeeeeee!
SPANKY: Shut up, Woolwhore! Want me to drop an anvil on you again?
XANDIR[to Spanky]: Yeah, Spanky, why don't you do that? That'll only get you kicked out of the house again... that is, provided we don't vote you off first.
STAN: Yeah, you want to win the money, don't you? So why don't you act like a decent person for a change?
SPANKY: Well, I'm going to surprise you all! I *am* going to act like a decent person, and I'm going to win the whole thing because you're not going to vote me off anymore, because you WANT me to stay. I know it, and you know it.
TOOT: He's lying again!
XANDIR: Well, when has that surprised ANYONE?
SPANKY: You'll see! You'll ALL see!
[Spanky goes to the Red Room to unpack his things.]
WOOLDOOR: Spanky IS telling the truth, you guys!
CLARA: Really?
WOOLDOOR: Yeah! With these two eyes, I *can* see! And you can probably see with your eyes as well!
[The four contestants in the living room other than Wooldoor groan.]
TOOT: Yeah, very funny, Wooldoor! Not!
STAN: Oh my f***ing god...
WOOLDOOR: WHEEEEE!!!!!
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[Fast-forward to a shot of all six contestants sitting at the dining room table. They are all waiting patiently for today's lunch to arrive.]
STAN(CC): Normally, we make our own lunch in the Drawn Together house... but on Day 7, we were told that lunch was going to be delivered to us... when I heard that, I was psyched! But, it wasn't any ordinary lunch, oh HELL no...
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REWARD CHALLENGE 5: A TASTE OF VICTORY
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[At this point, Waitohooru enters the dining room.]
WAITOHOORU: So, you six are awaiting lunch, huh?
TOOT: Darn tootin'!
WAITOHOORU: Well, this lunch is probably going to be a bit different than the food you've been used to eating in this place, oh yes! Come on in, Jane!
[Jane Black enters the dining room. She is moving a lunch cart, and on the cart are six covered dishes, each with a number on it from 1 to 6.]
WAITOHOORU: As you may have guessed by now, this is your final reward challenge. It is called A Taste Of Victory, and it's very simple. To win the reward for this challenge, you have to eat the food that is under these covered dishes. And that is it.
STAN: That's it? Wow, that's easier than we thought it would be!
WAITOHOORU: It's not that easy. The dishes may contain food you may or may not like. You'd better hope the dish contains food you like, because if you want to win this challenge, you have to eat it all, or at least one piece of it, and then show me an empty mouth as proof that you've swallowed it all down. If all six of you eat whatever is placed in front of you, you will win the reward. And the reward for the challenge is this!
[Waitohooru pulls out a Nintendo DS. You know, that portable video game system with two screens?]
STAN: Sweet, dude!
WAITOHOORU: This is the Nintendo DS. It has not been released in stores yet, but it is something you are probably going to be playing once the show is over.
[Waitohooru opens up the Nintendo DS and shows the six contestants the console's two screens.]
STAN(CC): Waitohooru shows us this kickass handheld console called the Nintendo DS... dude, that thing is so awesome! I know Cartman is going to want one too... he's really going to be jealous!
WAITOHOORU: The Nintendo DS has two screens. In addition, the lower screen is touch-sensitive, so it will react to whatever you touch it with, whether it is your finger or the stylus pen that comes with it. And yes, the DS will play all of your Game Boy Advance games. The DS you will receive already comes with one game, and that game is Super Mario 64 DS. It's a remake of Super Mario 64 that you may or may not have played, but I guarantee you, you will love playing THIS game!
[Waitohooru puts the DS back in his pocket.]
WAITOHOORU: However, there's a catch! If at least one of you does not eat the food he or she is given, then NONE of you will receive a DS!
[All six contestants are shocked.]
WAITOHOORU: That's right. Instead, you will have to buy one like everyone else when the console is actually released in stores!
WOOLDOOR: So, let's eat our food already! I want to play the DS, I want it I want it I want it!!!
TOOT: Wooldoor's right!
STAN: Yeah!
WAITOHOORU: Well then, let's get started! Now before the show, each of you drew numbers to see who would get which dish, and Clara, I believe you get the very first dish, which is dish number 1!
CLARA: Goody!
TOOT[under her breath]: Hyeah, like I'd be surprised...
WAITOHOORU: I didn't hear that.
[Jane picks up the covered dish that has the number 1 on it.]
JANE[under her breath]: They don't pay me enough for this.
[Jane places the covered dish on the table in front of Clara.]
CLARA(CC): Each of us was actually going to eat rather delicious food in the guise of disgusting food. Which is good, when compared to dishes prepared by the French, who disguise their disgusting food to make it seem delicious.
WAITOHOORU: Now, if you watched the Simpsons, you might have seen someone eat our first dish, which comes to us all the way from Japan.
XANDIR: Like the Nintendo DS?
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, Xandir, like the DS. Anyway, this dish, if prepared wrong, could kill you, but if prepared correctly, will BLOW you away! Fortunately, this dish WAS prepared correctly, so Princess Clara... you will be having...
[Waitohooru removes the lid off dish number 1. It is supposedly a plate of Japanese blowfish, but it is actually tuna fish.]
WAITOHOORU: ...fugu!
WOOLDOOR: Gesundheit!
WAITOHOORU: No, that's the name of the food. Fugu... or Japanese blowfish.
[Clara is shocked... or at least, she's pretending to be.]
CLARA: Oh my god...!
WAITOHOORU: You're nervous because you think it's going to kill you?
CLARA: No... I'm nervous because it's Japanese!
TOOT[shaking her head]: Here we go, again with the racism...
WAITOHOORU: Clara, it's okay. It was prepared correctly, so go ahead and eat it!
CLARA: Okay... but first, can someone taste it for me?
WAITOHOORU: What?
CLARA: You know... someone can be a taste-tester! Father has his servants taste his food for him before he eats it, because a rival kingdom may have poisoned it or something!
WAITOHOORU: Clara, I don't know where you come from, but there are no rival kingdoms here! Besides, you, and you alone, have to eat it!
STAN: Yeah, Clara, you want that Nintendo DS, don't you?
SPANKY: Yeah, eat that fugu!
CLARA: Oh, all right then...
[Clara closes her eyes, picks up a piece of "fugu", and swallows it whole. She then shows everyone an empty mouth when she is finished, and everyone applauds her.]
XANDIR: That is super, Clara!
CLARA: Oh, thank you very much!
WAITOHOORU: Clara ate a piece of fugu! So that's one dish down, five more to go! Xandir, you get dish number 2!
[Jane picks up the covered dish that has the number 2 on it.]
JANE: I should really get more lines.
[Jane places the dish in front of Xandir.]
WAITOHOORU: The second dish is from down under... literally from down under! You definitely won't find this on Rocko's Modern Life, that's for sure! Do you have the balls to eat...
[Waitohooru removes the lid from the second dish. It is a plate of pieces of apple pie rolled up into little apple pie balls, covered in thick crust.]
WAITOHOORU: ...kangaroo testicles?
XANDIR: Omigod... oh... my... god...
[Xandir picks up a supposed "testicle" and ponders whether or not to put it in his mouth.]
SPANKY: What's the matter? It's not like you haven't sucked on them or anything!
XANDIR: Shut up! I am not gay!
STAN: Dude, they're just balls, okay?
XANDIR: But... oh, all right... I'll do it. Maybe eating one of these will increase my stats... or at least restore my hit points.
[Xandir pops an apple pie ball in his mouth. He swallows the whole thing, and shows everyone an empty mouth. The other contestants cheer for him.]
XANDIR: How was that?
WAITOHOORU: That was good, Xandir! Remember, all six of you need to eat your assigned food in order for you to win the Nintendo DS! Up next is dish number three, and Wooldoor, it's for you!
WOOLDOOR: Really? Wheee!
[Jane picks up the covered dish with the number 3 on it.]
JANE: You don't know how much I want my life back.
[Jane places the dish in front of Wooldoor.]
WAITOHOORU: This next dish comes straight from Africa, or just about any Lion King movie. Timon and Pumbaa love scarfing it down, but don't let this dish bug you out... say "Hakuna matata" to...
[Waitohooru removes the cover of dish number 3. It is really a plate of pasta shells painted up to resemble bug larvae.]
WAITOHOORU: ...insect larvae!
[Wooldoor is fidgeting.]
WOOLDOOR: I... insects? You mean, creepy, crawly things?
WAITOHOORU: Yeah... only these are already dead, so they can't creep you out.
WOOLDOOR: Well, anything that is dead still creeps me out!
SPANKY: So? I'M not bothered by it!
TOOT[to Spanky]: You wouldn't be... you dick.
STAN[to Wooldoor]: Dude... it's okay. It's only a bug.
XANDIR: Yeah, and it's good protein! Besides, I think they removed the stingers, so don't worry.
WOOLDOOR: Oh, okay. I'll eat one! But don't make fun of me while I'm eating it, okay?
[Wooldoor closes his eyes... picks up a "larva", and swallows it. He then shows everyone an empty mouth. In fact, he even pulls his mouth from his face and passes it around to everyone (some of which seem to be freaked out.) He then puts his mouth back on his face.]
WAITOHOORU: So, I guess you ate your larva, then?
WOOLDOOR: You guessed 'er, Chester!
WAITOHOORU: Good! Three people so far have eaten their food! Only three more dishes left! Spanky, you get the honor of tasting dish number 4!
SPANKY: Bring it!
[Jane picks up the covered dish that has the number 4 written on it.]
JANE: Other people get to work at fast-food restaurants. *I* get THIS job.
[Jane places the covered dish in front of Spanky.]
WAITOHOORU: Spanky, this is the kind of food that rich people eat. And if you haven't been used to this lifestyle yet, you might find this food a bit fishy... so, Spanky Ham, you get to eat... caviar!
[Waitohooru removes the lid from Spanky's dish. It's a plate of powdered chocolate and brown sugar that suspiciously resembles caviar.]
WAITOHOORU: Caviar... that's fish eggs.
[Spanky picks up a spoon, and scoops up a spoonful of the "caviar".]
SPANKY: Eggs, huh? Maybe those eggs would taste great with a bit of bacon...
WAITOHOORU: You're going to eat it?
SPANKY: You're damn right! I want that DS!
STAN: I'm not surprised...
[Spanky downs the spoonful of "caviar" confidently. He then shows everyone an empty mouth.]
CLARA: He did it!
XANDIR: Good for you, Spanky! [under his breath] I can't believe I just said that...
STAN: Way to go!
WAITOHOORU: You've... eaten caviar before, haven't you, Spanky?
SPANKY: How many of my cartoons have YOU been watching, boy? I've done more fish than you've done homework assignments!
WAITOHOORU: Well, anyway, that's nice! And there are only two more dishes left to go!
WOOLDOOR: We can win this!
WAITOHOORU: Toot, you get to taste dish number 5!
TOOT: I want to eat it!
[Jane picks up the covered dish with the number 5 on it.]
JANE: I've definitely been doing a lot of work today!
[Jane places the covered dish in front of Toot.]
TOOT: I don't care what it is, I want to eat it!
WAITOHOORU: This is a dish that looks as good as it tastes. Have you got an eye for good cuisine, Toot, because you will be eating... sheep eyeballs!
[Waitohooru removes the lid. The plate has some impromptu sheep eyeballs made out of marshmallow paste.]
TOOT: Eugggh...
[Toot feels one of the "eyeballs" with her finger.]
CLARA: Don't stare at it, Toot!
TOOT: Why can't I? IT'S staring at ME!
STAN: Come on, you can eat this, Toot! It'll fit in your mouth... and go down easy!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, do it, Toot!
TOOT: I'll... I'll...
[Toot picks up a fork, and places it into one of the "eyeballs".]
TOOT: I'll eat it! My eyes may be bigger than my stomach, but I'm glad it's someone else's eyes I'm eating!
[Toot wolfs down the eyeball, chews it, swallows it, and then shows everyone an empty mouth. The other contestants cheer for her.]
SPANKY: Yay, she did it!
TOOT: What can I say? I just love to eat, don't I?
CLARA: Good for you!
WAITOHOORU: Wow, that was fast! Five of you have eaten your food, and there's only one more left!
STAN[nervous]: And I guess... that's me.
STAN(CC): Each of my five housemates have eaten their food, and I was the only one who hasn't. It was all up to me now...
STAN: I... I really shouldn't be in this position...
SPANKY: Aw, you should be! You're going to do us all a great favor, because you are going to eat the food that will give each of us a Nintendo DS!
STAN: And mine's probably... the toughest to eat, right?
XANDIR: That's exactly what I was thinking, sweetie!
TOOT: Ha! I bet if I was the last one, I would've eaten it easily! It'll probably be another easy one, like all the others before it!
STAN: Well, in that case...
[Stan rubs his hands together.]
STAN: ...I'm ready.
WAITOHOORU: Okay then, our final dish, dish number 6, for Stan Marsh!
[Jane picks up the covered dish with the number 6 on it.]
JANE: Don't mind me, I'm just doin' my job here.
[Jane places the covered dish in front of Stan.]
WAITOHOORU: And last, but not least, we have this dish! Stan, you have probably eaten a lot of food, and whatever food you can think of... anything you desire, pizza, hamburgers, french fries... eventually becomes this.
[Silence.]
STAN: Oh my god...
WAITOHOORU: Stan Marsh, this is the last dish... are you ready for it?
[Waitohooru removes the cover from the final dish.]
WAITOHOORU: You get to eat... canine feces!
[Stan looks at what is on his plate. It is not canine feces *per se*, but a huge glop of leftover chocolate from the previous immunity challenge, with bits of corn inserted inside, along with some peanuts. It's also soaked in a special cologne to make it smell REALLY REALLY BAD.]
STAN[holding his nose]: Dude! You people really make me sick!
STAN(CC): And my dish consisted of... ugh... dog sh**! Christ, what the hell is the Animation Alliance thinking? Are those people dickwads? Because I... I can't eat that!
SPANKY(CC): Well, technically, he CAN eat that, since it's actually made of chocolate... but we want to make sure he DOESN'T eat it. The smell could help, but I don't know if it will actually work, since I don't even see a nose on this kid's face.
STAN: What the f*** is THIS sh**?
WAITOHOORU: Well, that's just what it is... sh**.
TOOT: No way! This is bulltoot!
SPANKY: Hey, yesterday, when I told you to eat sh**... I didn't mean it!
XANDIR: This is totally insane!
WOOLDOOR: Make it stop! Please!
CLARA: My father would never force me to eat this if it was placed in front of me!
[Toot throws down her napkin in protest.]
TOOT: No f***ing Nintendo DS is worth this! The Animation Alliance is going to get a lawsuit from me!
STAN[under his breath]: Jesus...
[Waitohooru sees several of the contestants throwing down their napkins.]
WAITOHOORU: Wh... what's this?
SPANKY: Oh, we've had it. We call bullsh**... or dog sh** in THIS case.
STAN: Yeah, I mean, what's up with that? Why do you want me to eat... THAT? Don't you know I'm a CHILD? Besides, I think there's some corn in there.
WAITOHOORU: So you're giving up? If you do that, then none of you will get a Nintendo DS.
STAN: Dude, there have to be better ways of getting one than THAT! This is f***ing sickening! I am not going to eat dog crap! I mean, no one should ever be allowed to eat dog crap!
SPANKY: Yeah! I may be dirty and disgusting, but even *I* wouldn't go so far as to force dog sh** down a child's throat!
CLARA: Yeah, he's a child! Think of the children! And think of people who have been forced to eat what you're feeding him when they were children! That's how terrorists are born! You don't want him to grow up to be a terrorist, do you?
STAN[shocked]: What?!
XANDIR: Clara's right! There is no reason why this eight-year-old boy should have to go through such torture!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, he's my friend!
TOOT: I say someone should walk right up to every single member of the Animation Alliance, and remove their heads from their asses!
SPANKY: Yeah!
WAITOHOORU: So, I take it you're all... revolting?
CLARA: Hey, watch what you say! I'm not revolting! I'm pretty!
WAITOHOORU[under his breath]: Hoo boy... first Shougai, now this? It's like the AA can't be trusted anymore... I'll go talk to them...
[Waitohooru leaves the room.]
TOOT[shouting to Waitohooru]: Make sure you get a huge reward from them! We certainly deserve something after what we went through!
JANE: Y... you know what? I'm going to talk him out of it! I don't want to lose my job!
[Jane runs down the hall after Waitohooru.]
JANE[shouting]: Waitohooru, come back! Don't take my only job away from me...!
[Eventually, she is gone, and the six contestants are left to discuss the harrowing ordeal.]
STAN: Jesus f***ing Christ!
XANDIR: You said it! What does the Animation Alliance have against little children anyway? First, they try to murder them, and then they try to force them to eat dog doodoo? I am so not going there, so don't even ask me to, okay?
CLARA: Oh, if only they were well-behaved, like the... like the, uh... well, if only they were well-behaved!
SPANKY: All I'm saying is I wouldn't eat it.
[The other five contestants look at Spanky in disbelief.]
SPANKY: Seriously! I wouldn't eat it! If it were me who were given the dog sh**, I would put that dog sh** in a bag, set it on fire, and place it in the front of the Animation Alliance HQ! ...If it were ME, not that it would be...
TOOT: No way would *I* stoop to such an immature prank, Spanky! *I*, however, would be much more mature and sophisticated. Instead of setting a bag of dog sh** on fire, I'd set the Animation Alliance headquarters on fire! [smiling evilly] Mwa ha ha ha ha!
[The other five contestants look at Toot angrily.]
TOOT[nervously]: Uh... forgot my tampon this morning! Heh heh!
[Waitohooru returns to the dining room.]
WAITOHOORU: I'm back, everyone.
WOOLDOOR: Wow!
TOOT: So, how was it? Did you replace all the cartoons on their schedule with black-and-white toons yet?
WOOLDOOR: What?!
WAITOHOORU: Well, I talked to them about happened, and Tom told me he wanted to speak to one of you.
CLARA: Gosh! Who is it?
WOOLDOOR[excited]: I hope it's me! I hope it's me I hope it's me I hope it's me!!!
WAITOHOORU: Actually, he wanted to speak to Stan, since he was the one who refused to eat his dog feces.
STAN: R... really?
WAITOHOORU: Really. You, and you alone.
STAN: Oh, well... I... I guess...
[Stan gets up out of his chair.]
SPANKY: Go get him, kiddo!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, that guy's a meanie! Please talk to him, for my sake!
WAITOHOORU: Actually, since this is a dire situation, I'm going to accompany you. I'll lead you to him.
[Waitohooru takes Stan out of the dining room.]
XANDIR: Good luck, Stan!
STAN: Yeah, and damn, do I need it...
* * *
[Fast-motion shot of Waitohooru leading Stan to an area in the Drawn Together house that connects to a hallway Animation Alliance studio.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): The entire reward challenge was a setup to force Stan into an impromptu meeting with Tom Wallace, a member of the Animation Alliance.
[Waitohooru opens a door in the hallway. This door leads to Tom's office, where Tom is sitting behind a desk. Waitohooru takes Stan with him into the office.]
TOM: Ah, you're here.
WAITOHOORU: That's right, I have brought Stan Marsh with you, as you requested.
STAN: Dude, this feels... weird.
TOM: Okay then. Now, if you will close the door, please? This is a private discussion, and I don't want anyone else to hear us talking.
WAITOHOORU: Okay.
[Waitohooru closes the door.]
STAN(CC): Apparently, Tom, one of the people who work for the AA, wanted to speak to me about the reward challenge. Well, if he was the dumbass who came up with the retarded idea that I should put dog crap in my mouth, then he definitely has a lot to answer to!
TOM: Okay, now sit down.
[Waitohooru and Stan sit in the chairs in front of Tom's desk.]
TOM: Now, let's talk.
WAITOHOORU: Okay, let's do that. First, we'll talk about today's reward challenge.
TOM: Well, your story, I have to admit, WAS rather hilarious, but... I'd like to hear it again.
WAITOHOORU: Actually... maybe Stan should tell you what happened.
TOM: Stan?
WAITOHOORU: That's right, since you wanted to talk to him.
TOM: Oh... all right. [to Stan] Let's hear your story.
STAN[to Tom]: Well, the last challenge... it sucked huge portions of ass!
[Tom feigns shock.]
TOM: And... why did the challenge suck... huge portions of ass? I've gotta hear this!
STAN: Well, the other five contestants, you know, the food they were given... I could easily understand, you know, like kangaroo testicles, and sheep eyeballs... because these are the foods that some people eat in reality shows...
TOM: And?
STAN: The point is, you have gone too far! The food you gave ME wasn't exactly food! It was crap!
TOM: Little boy... you shouldn't insult the food that our fine chefs worked so hard to prepare!
STAN: No, I'm serious. It really WAS crap... in fact, it was DOG crap.
TOM: Dog crap...?
STAN: That's right. Dog crap. Who does this? Who would feed someone dog crap? Honestly!
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, I'm concerned about him, because have you considered what would happen to him if he actually ATE it? He might become sick!
TOM: So... I'm sure he'll feel better.
STAN: No, I won't!
WAITOHOORU[to Tom]: Well, what if he doesn't? Really, do you want another scandal on your hands? You're already up the creek because of the whole Shougai incident... so do you really think that what you're doing now is wise?
TOM[to Waitohooru]: Let me get this straight... you're trying to tell us how we should run our business?
WAITOHOORU: No... it's not like that! Honest!
TOM: You're saying we should pander to a bunch of people who think they can solve all problems by protesting against them?
STAN: Well, my friends have a good reason to protest... it was dog sh**, for Christ's sake! How would you like it if I fed that to YOU?
TOM: No... I... I wouldn't like that!
WAITOHOORU: Then why are you forcing him to eat it?
STAN: Yeah!
TOM: Well... I... I honestly don't know what to say here... you've put us in a serious quandary!
STAN: Well, all I'm saying is that we definitely deserve our Nintendo DS after all the crap you put us through... no pun intended.
TOM: What? The Animation Alliance can't just give them away! After all, you did not eat your food!
WAITOHOORU: Well, maybe I would suggest a compromise... you know, one that ensures the contestants can still have a chance to earn their Nintendo DS, and doesn't involve Stan eating dog crap!
TOM: Well... a... all right. [to Stan] Stan, you and your friends can still get your DS, and you don't have to eat the dog crap.
STAN[smiling]: All right!
TOM: However, we can't do this for free. We want something in return.
WAITOHOORU: You mean like money? I will gladly pay you...
TOM: No, it's not money. It's a small favor that I would like Stan to perform for us. You scratch our backs, we scratch yours.
STAN: Really... what's the favor?
TOM: Oh, it's just a little favor is all. I want you to ask some of your friends to do something that will, shall we say... bring in the ratings?
STAN[rolling his eyes]: I knew it... [sighs] w... what do you want us to do?
TOM: Well, I want you to talk to... well, to be honest, I haven't been paying attention recently. Is the colored girl still in the house?
STAN: Well... we have *a* colored girl, and a black-and-white girl, if that's what you mean.
TOM: Splendid! Two girls! This will be interesting!
WAITOHOORU: And... what exactly do you want the two girls to do?
TOM: Well, this may sound selfish coming from me, but... I want you to tell the girls to take off their tops.
[Stan has a shocked expression on his face.]
STAN: WHAT?!
STAN(CC): Tom immediately requested that I tell Clara and Toot to take off their tops and expose their boobs... dude, that is probably the stupidest idea in the history of television! I mean, our parents are already pissed off that Janet Jackson exposed her boob during the Super Bowl, and they definitely won't let anyone watch after they see Clara and Toot showing THEIR boobs on TV! I mean... come on!
STAN: Dude, you're sick! Sick, I tell you!
TOM: No, really... it works out for everyone! You all get your Nintendo DS, and the people watching at home will get what they want to see... all you have to do is get the girls to go topless... you know, like in those Girls Gone Wild videos!
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, but... what if there are people watching who don't want to see the girls take off their tops? Particularly after the Super Bowl incident, there are still some conservative viewers out there who might be a bit offended!
STAN: Besides, I don't think Clara will do it. I know Toot will do it, but trust me... you don't want to see HER tits.
TOM: Oh, I... I guess... you're right. Well, is there anything else we could try?
WAITOHOORU: Wait, I've got another idea. I think it would be better if you asked the girls to kiss each other instead.
STAN: Kiss?
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, kiss. Because, personally, I don't see what's wrong with two girls kissing each other. It would be a better alternative to them going topless... in MY opinion.
TOM: Well... okay. They can kiss. How about they French kiss... you know, put their tongues in each other's mouths?
STAN: Dude, this conversation is becoming more disgusting...
WAITOHOORU: H... how about they just kiss?
TOM: ...Fine, whatever. The two girls can kiss, and if they do that, you can get your Nintendo DS. Happy?
STAN: Actually... that's a pretty sweet idea! Thanks, Tom!
[Stan and Waitohooru get up, and are about to leave the room...]
TOM: However, there's still the option of having the girls take off their tops!
STAN: Uh... we'll... we'll think about it.
TOM: Remember, topless or kissing! Or maybe even both. That's a good alternative.
WAITOHOORU: Yyyeah. Well, we'd better be going!
STAN: Yeah... bye, Tom!
TOM: Bye!
[Waitohooru and Stan exit Tom's office, and Waitohooru closes the door behind him. As soon as Stan and Waitohooru leave, the phone on Tom's desk rings. Tom answers it.]
TOM: Hello?
BARB[on the phone]: Did he buy it?
TOM[smiles]: He bought it.
* * *
[Fast-motion shot of Waitohooru leading Stan back to the dining room of the Drawn Together house. The other contestants (Clara, Xandir, Spanky, Toot, and Wooldoor) are waiting for him.]
TOOT: He's here!
WOOLDOOR: Yay!
STAN: I'm back, everyone!
WAITOHOORU: Yes, and he has something he wants to tell you. Please listen to what he has to say. I've gotta go, but I will be back in time for the final immunity challenge. I promise you, it's going to be a doozy. Later!
[Waitohooru leaves.]
TOOT: Aw, come back, Waitohooru!
STAN: Toot, he's coming back, just be patient.
SPANKY: So, what have you got to tell us, kid?
WOOLDOOR: Do we get our Nintendo DS?
STAN: Uh, the Animation Alliance said that each of us can get a Nintendo DS and I don't have to eat the dog crap...
[The other contestants cheer.]
STAN: However... they want something in return!
SPANKY: So, they want something, huh?
[Xandir pulls out a bag of gold coins.]
XANDIR: Here. This is all the money I currently have. You wouldn't believe how many harpies I had to slay to earn that much!
STAN: Um... they don't want any money... or any of our items.
XANDIR: Oh... this is good, because I can totally afford to buy some more potions when I get home!
STAN: However, they do want to see two of us do something.
CLARA: Stan... who do they mean?
STAN: Well... it involves Toot...
[Toot raises her fists in excitement.]
TOOT: Yes! Finally, they want me to pitch my ideas for an all-new, all-black-and-white series! Maybe I should ask for 26 episodes, because 13 is unlucky in my opinion...
STAN: ...and it also involves... Clara.
CLARA: What?
TOOT: What?!
SPANKY: Just the two girls, and none of the guys? Well, if it's going to be an all-girl thing... did they ask them to wrestle in Jello?
CLARA: I hope they didn't, because wrestling is so barbaric!
TOOT: Well, I hope they DID, because there's always room for Jello!
STAN: Uh, they didn't ask you two to Jello wrestle, okay?
TOOT: Oh. Well, what do they want us to do?
STAN: Well, they want you to do one of two things... either you two take off your tops...
CLARA: No way!
STAN: ...or you two kiss each other.
TOOT: Nuh-uh!
STAN: They said they're going to give each of us a Nintendo DS if you do either, or both, of those things.
CLARA: Well, I don't want to take off my top! My father wouldn't like that!
TOOT: And I definitely don't want to kiss HER!
SPANKY: Aw, c'mon, girls! Don't you want a DS? Show your melons, and give each other a nice smooch!
TOOT: I'm not kissing her! Do you want people to think I'm queer?
WOOLDOOR: Come on, it's just a kiss!
STAN: Yeah, how hard can it be?
XANDIR: I personally would kiss any one of the other guys at this table if I was placed in that situation!
STAN: Yeah, but... they want the girls to do it. They don't want me or any of the other guys to do it!
SPANKY: How about they both take off their tops AND kiss?
XANDIR: Oh, now THAT is just pushing it, Spanky.
SPANKY: And what's wrong with that?
TOOT: Well, there are lots of things wrong with that, that's what's wrong!
CLARA: Oh god... I wish I wasn't placed in this situation... I feel like I'm at that horrible place father told me about called Abu Ghraib!
[At that instant, Waitohooru enters the room.]
STAN: Hey, Waitohooru.
WAITOHOORU: Guys, the Animation Alliance wants a decision right now.
CLARA: Aw, can't we just have a little more time to think about it?
WAITOHOORU: They can't wait any longer. They want to see you girls either take off your tops or kiss each other, and they want you to do that right now.
CLARA: Well...
TOOT: Hey, let's just kiss and get it over with.
CLARA: Well... okay. I have never kissed another woman before, so...
[Clara and Toot close their eyes, slowly approach each other, hold each other in their arms... and give each other a kiss on the lips.]
STAN: Whoa!
SPANKY[singing]: Bow bow chicka chicka bow BOW!
XANDIR: There's something you don't see every day...
STAN(CC): And they did it... they finally did it. Clara and Toot stood up, and gave each other a kiss. My guess is they just wanted to get the whole thing over with. Besides, it's not that hard. I mean, it's just a kiss. I've seen Wendy and Bebe kiss each other before, and no one at school makes a big deal out of it. Oh, except for Cartman, but you can just ignore him, since he's an assgoblin.
[The four boys applaud when they see Clara and Toot kissing.]
WOOLDOOR: That was good! Wheeee!
SPANKY: Did you use your tongue?
TOOT: What? No, we didn't!
SPANKY: Aw...
WAITOHOORU: So, it's official... Clara and Toot have kissed each other, and each of you will receive a Nintendo DS, and we can all pretend this silly reward challenge never even took place.
STAN: Yes!
STAN(CC): Wow, I can't believe I've finally gotten a Nintendo DS! After what I had to go through today, I think I've earned it. And it's going to come with Super Mario 64 DS... it's such an addictive game. I hope that I don't become too obsessed with it that I don't concentrate on the actual game I'm playing right now!
* * *
[Shot of Stan in the living room with the other five contestants. He, like everyone else in the room, is trying out the newly-received Nintendo DS.]
STAN(CC): Since the six of us won a Nintendo DS from the reward challenge, we thought we would try out Super Mario 64 DS, and see what it was like. And Xandir, being from this video-game world, says he knows Mario and his friends personally! Wow, that's gotta really kick ass!
[Close-up shot of Xandir playing his Super Mario 64 game. He's gotten the first star way before each of the other contestants got theirs. I guess the video game character must know a thing or two about video games, eh?]
XANDIR: Omigod! I totally got my first star, you guys!
STAN: Whoa, dude! You must be familiar with the game, huh?
XANDIR: Well, I am a video game character, so... you can pretty much put the pieces together.
WOOLDOOR: Wow! Have you played all of Mario's games?
XANDIR: Well, not all of them... but I am familiar with Mario. In fact... before now, I've kept this a secret from you, but... we were best friends since kindergarten!
STAN: Whoa, kindergarten?
CLARA: That far back, huh?
XANDIR: Yep. It's just that he never attended a lot of classes, since King Koopa, the school bully, not only kept ditching class... but also, he kidnapped Mario's girlfriend. In fact, her name is Peach, just like the one in the game you're playing now!
WOOLDOOR: Well, isn't that a ka-winky-dink...
XANDIR: Yeah, and he would travel all around the world, with Peach in tow, and Mario would chase after her, which could totally explain why he wasn't in school. But I do admire the fact that he never gave up. I became an adventurer shortly after that!
STAN: Neat!
XANDIR: He's a great guy, though I so wish he would change his outfit! Doesn't he know that red and blue clash? And you'd think his older brother would have better fashion sense... but noooo!
[Suddenly, the contestants hear a familiar cry of "Yoshi!" from Xandir's DS.]
XANDIR: Fabbo! I found another star! That's two in a row for me!
TOOT: Aw, I haven't even gotten ONE yet! Give the rest of us a chance, will ya?
XANDIR: You're right... maybe I'll take a break for now, and give each of you a chance to catch up.
[Xandir turns off his DS (but not before saving his game).]
XANDIR: Now, I totally want to try out the wireless chat thing... can it be used to talk to anyone anywhere?
STAN: Dude, I think you're supposed to only chat with people who are up to thirty feet away.
XANDIR: Oh. Darn, that's not good...
STAN: Why... who did you want to talk to?
XANDIR: Oh, no biggie. Just... one of my friends. So I guess I'll have to...
[Xandir hesitates before finishing.]
CLARA: So you'll have to... what?
XANDIR: Oh. Nothing.
SPANKY: Nothing, huh?
XANDIR: That's right. Nothing.
[Silence.]
STAN: Ooookay then.
STAN(CC): I'm pretty sure that Xandir wanted to use the Nintendo DS's wireless chat feature to talk to someone, but that person is so far away. Did he want to use it to talk to... someone he knows, like his girlfriend?
XANDIR(CC): That whole scenario with the Nintendo DS planted a seed in Stan's head that I knew Mario in the past, and is the foundation for something that's going to happen after the immunity challenge. I know Stan is so going to hate me after what happens next, but I must remain loyal to Waitohooru's script, and the Animation Alliance. Sorry, Stan!
[At this point, Waitohooru then enters the living room.]
SPANKY: Oh, it's you.
WAITOHOORU: That's right. I'm here to announce the final immunity challenge!
WOOLDOOR: Wow, the last one, huh?
WAITOHOORU: Yep. Toot, will you please go to the Blue Room and retrieve the Immunity Robe?
TOOT: Anything for you, my sweet!
[Fast-motion shot of Toot entering the Blue Room and retrieving the Pimped-Out Immunity Robe. She then gives it to Waitohooru.]
TOOT: I can't wait to see you put that nice, comfy robe back on my body! [giggles]
WAITOHOORU: Well, maybe if you win the challenge... MAYBE if you win the challenge, you can get it back. Also, since this is the final immunity challenge, there's a little twist to it, but I won't tell you what it is until we get there. But for now, will everyone change into their bathing suits, please?
[Fast-motion shot of the six contestants changing into their bathing suits.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay then, follow me!
* * *
*
*
*
[Waitohooru leads the six contestants to the swimming pool. This swimming pool is where the final immunity challenge will take place.]
**************************************
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE 5: TEE-RATED FLICKS
**************************************
WAITOHOORU: Okay, all six of you are in your bathing suits, so you think that this challenge involves swimming in the swimming pool, yes? Well, you are partially right, however, the challenge does involve something else!
TOOT: Something else?
WAITOHOORU: Yep, and someone is going to be helping us out in this immunity challenge. Come on out, Bleh!
STAN: "Bleh"?
[At this instant, Clara's cousin Bleh (from episode 5 of Drawn Together) emerges from the Drawn Together house. She is wearing a football helmet, and she is also wearing a Pimped-Out Immunity Robe, similar to the robe she wore at the end of the episode she was in.]
BLEH: Bleeeeeeeh!
XANDIR: Whoa... talk about mismatched clothes...
STAN(CC): This girl comes out wearing a football helmet... her name is Bleh. No, I'm not kidding, that's her name... and she's apparently one of those mentally handicapped people... kind of like Timmy. So she'll probably say her name a lot, big surprise...
CLARA: This can't be...
STAN: Dude, who is she?
CLARA: Oh... that's just Bleh, my... "special" cousin.
TOOT: So, she's your cousin, huh? I knew it! I knew this game was fixed!
CLARA: What?
TOOT: And yet another one of Clara's relatives has come by to pay a visit! Waitohooru, you are obviously spoiling this woman!
CLARA: No, he isn't!
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, I'm not spoiling her, Toot! And yes, Bleh is Clara's cousin... say hi to everyone, Bleh!
BLEH[excited]: "I Am Sam" is aimed at audiences who will relate to the heart-tugging relationship between Sam and Lucy, and young Dakota Fanning does a convincing job as the bright daughter!
[Waitohooru, and the contestants, are confused.]
WAITOHOORU: I'm sorry... WHAT did you say?
CLARA: Uh, don't mind her, Bleh usually speaks only in reviews of the movie "I Am Sam".
BLEH: Bleeeeehhhh.
WAITOHOORU: Now, you may be wondering why Bleh has on a robe similar to the one you are playing for.
SPANKY: Why, yes I would.
WAITOHOORU: Well, that is also a Pimped-Out Immunity Robe. That's right. There are going to be two robes for this final challenge... because TWO of you are going to win immunity this time.
[The six contestants are really excited.]
STAN: Two immunity robes, huh?
WOOLDOOR: I really want one! Wheeee!
STAN(CC): For this final challenge, wasn't I surprised when I found out that there were going to be two Immunity Robes that we would play for. It increases the chances of anyone getting immunity... of course that includes people like Spanky or Toot...
WAITOHOORU: And you really want the robes to protect you, because for this next eviction ceremony... two of you will also be voted off.
[The six contestants are stunned.]
SPANKY: Damn...
STAN: I knew it... I knew this was coming...
WAITOHOORU: This means that after tonight, there will be four people left in the Drawn Together house. But for now, I guess I'd better talk about the challenge. This challenge is called Tee-Rated Flicks, and the six of you will form three teams of two for this one. This challenge has three rounds. For each of the three rounds, Bleh will be sitting on a raft in the center of the pool. She will be wearing a T-shirt. The T-shirt has two words on it, one on the front of her T-shirt, and one on the back of her T-shirt. But you can't read either of them. To make the words on her T-shirt appear, one of the members of the participating team has to dive into the pool, and splash the front of Bleh's T-shirt with enough water. Then, once Bleh's T-shirt is wet, a word will start appearing on the front of her T-shirt. The same goes for the word on her back, but the other member of your team will have to do that.
SPANKY: So, basically, it's a wet T-shirt contest, huh?
WAITOHOORU: Yep.
SPANKY: That's my kinda game, baby!
TOOT[rolling her eyes]: Oh Jesus...
WAITOHOORU: The words on Bleh's T-shirt are words used in the names of movie titles... all of which are animated movies. The word on the front of Bleh's T-shirt is the first word in the name of a movie title, and the word on the back of her T-shirt is the LAST word in the name of ANOTHER movie title. You have to figure out what both titles are. The team of two who does this the fastest will win immunity!
[The six contestants cheer.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now Bleh, are you ready to get doused with a lot of water?
BLEH[excited]: This film is notable for the courageous reach of Sean Penn, who gives a bold, heartfelt performance! Yaaaay!
[Bleh claps her hands repeatedly.]
WAITOHOORU: Uh... I think she's ready to go... I think.
CLARA: And she had to be MY cousin, too... oh my god...
WAITOHOORU: Now, we drew numbers before the contest to determine who gets to be on which team. So, to quote Phil Keoghan... Stan and Spanky, you're team number one!
SPANKY[excited]: F*** yeah!
STAN[sarcastically]: Well, imagine my delight...
STAN(CC): God is obviously laughing at me right now. I get paired up with Spanky... the one housemate I did not want to be paired up with. To be honest, I don't know whether to try for immunity at this point... I mean, if I win it, then Spanky wins it as well.
SPANKY(CC): And of course, that's the purpose of this final immunity challenge. It's rigged so that he gets to be on the same team as yours truly, and also so that he can win immunity again... and so that *I* can win ANOTHER immunity. Again.
* * *
[TEAM 1 - STAN/SPANKY]
[Fast-forward to the beginning of Team 1's attempt. Bleh is wearing a T-shirt with... something on it that the contestants have to determine. She is sitting on a raft in the center of the pool.]
WAITOHOORU: All right... and who's going first?
SPANKY[pointing to Stan]: After YOU.
STAN[nervous]: Well, thank you very much...
WAITOHOORU: Stan's going first? Okay then... you will be setting the time for the other contestants to beat. The challenge begins the instant you jump in the pool, so go ahead!
STAN: Uh, okay.
[Stan jumps into the pool attempting to splash as much water on Bleh as possible. However, none of the water hits Bleh on his first attempt.]
SPANKY: Is that it? You can do better than that, pussy!
STAN: Hey, I'm doing the best I can, Spanky! Jesus, lay off me!
[Stan gets out of the pool... and dives into the pool again. And on his second try, some of the water hits Bleh... revealing the letters "NDI" on her T-shirt.]
STAN: What's this... N... D... I?
WAITOHOORU: Remember, this is the first word in the name of a movie title!
STAN: Dude... I can't think of a word yet!
[Stan gets out of the pool... and dives in for a third time. However, the water on her doesn't reveal any more than what is currently on her shirt.]
SPANKY: C'mon, I want to see her boobs... I mean, I want to see the word that's on there!
[It's currently the one-minute mark... and Stan gets out of the pool and jumps in for the fourth time. Another letter is revealed, but not much... just an N, making what's now on her T-shirt "NDIN".]
STAN: N-D-I-N... I don't know... something N-D-I-N-G... LANDING? I don't know!
SPANKY: Oh for Allah's sake, Stan, please do this!
[Stan gets out of the pool yet again.]
STAN: Well, here I go again...
[He jumps in for a fifth time. This one is a good one, as it reveals the first two letters of the word, F and I.]
STAN: F... I... FIND... FINDING!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now what's the movie title?
STAN: Finding... Finding...
[Stan has figured out the name of the movie title.]
STAN: "Finding Nemo"!
WAITOHOORU: That's correct! You solved it in one minute twenty-five seconds!
STAN: Whoa... that's not bad!
WAITOHOORU: Remember, in order to win immunity, you must solve the puzzle as quickly as possible! It's Spanky's turn next, so Bleh, if you would turn around please?
BLEH: Bleeeh!
[Bleh turns around, showing her back to everyone. The back of her T-shirt contains another word that Spanky must figure out.]
WAITOHOORU: Spanky's time for this puzzle will be added to Stan's time, and the total time will be what the other teams have to beat. Spanky, you can begin now!
SPANKY: 'Bout damn time!
STAN(CC): I hate to say it, but Spanky was better at this than I was... as he got Bleh's back soaking wet! Maybe it's just because he wants Bleh to be this way.
[Spanky jumps into the pool, and performs an IMPRESSIVE cannonball that gets a great-sized part of the back of Bleh's T-shirt wet... which reveals the letters "ROOV".]
WAITOHOORU: You're looking for the LAST word of the title this time!
SPANKY: R-O-O-V... ROOV... GROOVY... GROOV... oh, GROOVE!
WAITOHOORU: That's right... and what's the title?
SPANKY: I think I have it! "The Emperor's New Groove"!
WAITOHOORU: That's correct! You solved it in eighteen seconds, so your total time is one minute forty-three seconds!
SPANKY: And of course, every emperor has to wear a royal robe, which means the robe's going to be mine once again!
XANDIR: Well, we'll see about that!
STAN(CC): One minute and forty-three seconds... that's probably longer than I expected it to be, since I suck at splashing people with water. I'm pretty sure that some of the others will beat our time...
TOOT(CC): Wrong! We're all going to take much longer than he expects us to... because think about it... Stan sharing immunity with someone he doesn't want to have it gives me more drama than if any of the rest of us get immunity, because then you'd be seeing a lot of cards with "SPANKY" written on them, and that would be boring... like a lot of the storylines in some of the cartoons that are currently on the air... other than mine, of course!
* * *
[TEAM 2 - TOOT/WOOLDOOR]
[Fast-forward to the second team, Toot and Wooldoor, preparing for the challenge. Bleh is once again in the center of the pool, this time sporting a fresh new T-shirt with different words on it.]
WAITOHOORU: Toot and Wooldoor, you have to beat one minute and forty-three seconds to have a shot at immunity. If not, Stan and Spanky are still in this.
TOOT: Well, that's not going to happen!
[Toot confidently dives... and splashes not only Bleh, but also Waitohooru and each of the other contestants.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
STAN(CC): Toot was up next, and boy can she dive in very well thanks to all that weight. I was soaking wet... I feel like my dog Sparky after we give him a bath!
[Toot's huge splash reveals the entire word... COOL... on Bleh's T-shirt. Remember, Toot and Wooldoor are supposed to lose to Stan and Spanky... but the attempt has to be as believable as possible.]
WAITOHOORU: You're looking for the first word!
TOOT: C-O... COOL! COOL!
WAITOHOORU: That's the word! Now what is the title?
TOOT: Let's see... Cool... Cool... Cool Runnings? Cool Cat? Cool...
WOOLDOOR: Come on, Toot! You can do this!
TOOT: Cool School? No, no, no... Cool... I've got it! Cool World!
WAITOHOORU: Cool World is correct! You solved it in twenty-two seconds!
TOOT: Yay!
STAN(CC): Toot solved her puzzle very fast... I thought for sure that she and Wooldoor would beat our time...
TOOT(CC): Just leading you into a false sense of security, boyo. Now the real drama begins... remember who my partner was in this challenge? That's right, Stan. Wooldoor.
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Wooldoor, you're next. And you must solve this one in one minute twenty-one seconds or less in order to beat Stan and Spanky's time! Bleh, if you would?
BLEH: All I want is to hear the dirt hittin' that box!
[Bleh obediently turns around, showing the back of her T-shirt, which is awaiting someone to splash water on it.]
WAITOHOORU: All right, Wooldoor, are you ready?
[Cut to a close-up shot of Wooldoor. He has a life-vest on his body, and some water wings.]
WOOLDOOR: Yes sir!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, the time begins when you jump in the pool!
WOOLDOOR: Got it!
[Wooldoor does a rather pathetic dive into the pool that... actually, doesn't get any water on Bleh's T-shirt.]
STAN(CC): Well, it seems that Wooldoor did not even get a drop of water on Bleh! I feel sorry for him, as he is still learning how to swim...
WOOLDOOR(CC): And I did these rather lame dives to make Stan think I'm still learning to swim... and I was flapping my arms about while trying to get out of the pool... and of course, I had the life vest and the water wings on, and it was so cool!
[Wooldoor, in a frantic display, flails his arms about while trying to get out of the pool. This takes like twenty or thirty seconds... very long. Just perfect.]
WAITOHOORU: You have about one minute left!
STAN: Yeah, Wooldoor, you can still do this!
WOOLDOOR: Okay, I'll try...
[Wooldoor again does a pathetic cannonball in the pool. Again, he does not get a drop of water on Bleh. He once again struggles trying to get out of the pool... which is because he's wearing this ridiculous equipment.]
SPANKY: I've got some advice for you, Wooldoor... take the stupid things off!
WOOLDOOR: But I'm still learning how to swim, Spanky!
STAN: Yeah, Spanky, quit being a butthole!
[Spanky gives Stan a death glare.]
WAITOHOORU: Thirty seconds!
WOOLDOOR: Oh my... I'd better hurry!
[Wooldoor again tries to get some water on Bleh... but his jump, like the ones before it, is purposely unsuccessful. He once again waves his arms around ridiculously, while Spanky laughs.]
WOOLDOOR: I don't know if I'm going to make it...
SPANKY(CC): Oh man... Wooldoor's pathetic display during the challenge is perhaps the worst form of acting I have ever seen in my entire life... other than the acting in "Oh My God", that is!
[Wooldoor gets out of the pool... and prepares for a fourth dive this time.]
WAITOHOORU: Ten seconds!
[Wooldoor dives back into the pool again... once again unsuccessful.]
WAITOHOORU: Five... four... three... two... one...
[Wooldoor once again flails his arms about trying to get out.]
WAITOHOORU: Time's up! The word we were looking for was "RABBIT", and the title of the movie was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
TOOT: Aw, dammit!
WOOLDOOR: Sorry, everyone! I tried my best!
[And it's at that instant that our cameo guest star becomes suspicious...]
BLEH: With a better plot, "I Am Sam" might work, but it glosses over reality on so many occasions that it's hard to take seriously!
[At this point, Waitohooru and the Drawn Together cast members are stunned.]
XANDIR: What was that?
CLARA: I think she said she doesn't think this is all real.
BLEH[screaming]: BLEEEEEEEH!!!
TOOT(CC): So when that mentally-retarded bitch opened her big mouth, everything went silent... like one of those silent cartoons that were around before I was even born! God, I hope someone puts THOSE cartoons on DVD...
[Shot of Bleh in a camera confessional.]
BLEH(CC): All I wanted was a place to sleep!
[Clara sticks her head in the confessional.]
CLARA(CC): She says she's sorry, and she didn't mean what she said.
BLEH(CC): Bleeeeeeeeeh!
STAN: Hey, he's still learning! Stop being so insensitive! Jesus, you're just as bad as Spanky...
SPANKY: F*** you, Stan!
[Suddenly, Bleh moves her raft in front of Wooldoor, as if trying to play with him.]
BLEH: Bleeeeeeeh!
WOOLDOOR: Oh, that's great! Please help me!
[Wooldoor tries to get onto the raft... but Bleh inches away from Wooldoor's grasp.]
WOOLDOOR: What the...?
[Wooldoor swims toward the raft, and Bleh jerks away again.]
WOOLDOOR: That's not fair!
BLEH: Nelson plumbs the enormous sentiment quota with the relentless persistence of an oil well drill until it erupts in a syrupy geyser!
WOOLDOOR[angry]: Don't you talk about my mom that way!
[It's an obligatory pool chase sequence as Wooldoor swims in circles after Bleh... in fact, they keep going around and around...]
STAN: What the f***?
STAN(CC): Bleh was being mean to poor Wooldoor... she was teasing him and trying to get him to chase her... well, you definitely can't call it "mentally retarded" without the word "retarded"!
CLARA: Sorry, but Bleh can be... playful now and then.
STAN: Look, I know I respect people with disabilities and all, but if she wants to rip on Wooldoor, then... then she can go f*** herself.
CLARA: Oh god...
CLARA(CC): It amazes me how Stan keeps sticking up for people that he thinks Bleh is picking on... he is a noble and moral young boy! Which is a surprise to me, because judging by his name, I thought he would be from one of those countries with Stan in their names, like Pakistan or Afghanistan!
[The chase sequence continues. Bleh and Wooldoor continue to chase each other in circles... until the water around them form a massive whirlpool!]
XANDIR: Whoa, HEL-lo!
STAN: Jesus!
WOOLDOOR[shouting]: Someone help me!!!!
[At that instant, who should show up but Captain Hero, swooping down toward the Drawn Together house.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Did someone call for help?
STAN: Yeah, dude, Wooldoor seems to be trapped in there!
CLARA: You'll have to forgive Bleh... she's like this when she's around people she hasn't even met before...
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, leave it all to me!
[Captain Hero flies into the whirlpool...]
XANDIR: God, I hope he's okay...
[...and comes out holding in his arms... Bleh?]
BLEH[excited]: Bleeeeeeeeeeehhhhhh!!!
CAPTAIN HERO: The day is saved! You can rest easy, people!
STAN: Dude, you're supposed to rescue Wooldoor!
CAPTAIN HERO: What? But I thought...
[Suddenly, the whirlpool stops... and Wooldoor is lying dazed on the rubber raft.]
WOOLDOOR[dazed]: Mommy... I don't want to go on the merry-go-round anymore...
[Captain Hero looks at Wooldoor, then turns to face everyone else.]
CAPTAIN HERO[embarrassed]: Well. I... I see MY work is done...
[Captain Hero flies off.]
STAN: Dude, that was... weird.
TOOT: Yeah, but I get to see him again! Wooooo!
* * *
[TEAM 3 - XANDIR/CLARA]
[Fast-forward to the third team, Xandir and Clara, about to begin their round. Thankfully, after that ordeal, the pool is filled with water again, and Bleh is once again on the raft in the center, and she's wearing a new T-shirt with two more words on it.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Xandir and Clara, one minute forty-three seconds is still the time to beat. If you two can beat that time, you have won immunity. If not, Stan and Spanky will get it. Are you ready?
XANDIR: Like, I think I am...
[Xandir gracefully dives into the pool. He strategically jumps in so that not a lot of water splashes onto Bleh... revealing only the letters "TE" on her T-shirt.]
STAN(CC): Xandir was the next up... and I thought he would be good at diving because of his physique...
[Montage of Xandir's attempts... all of which barely get Bleh soaked. Of course, this is all on purpose.]
SPANKY: Hey, show us some REAL diving, you pansy! You'd think after spending all that time at the YMCA, you'd be good at that!
XANDIR: I know how to dive, okay? And I wasn't at the Y, I was at a Zora's Domain!
[Xandir gets out, and calculates the exact time of the one-minute mark. This is the perfect time for him to get Bleh drenched real good... and it is... since the "TE" on her T-shirt becomes "SPIRITE".]
XANDIR: SPIRITE... SPIRITED?
WAITOHOORU: That's the word, now the title is?
XANDIR: Spirited Away!
WAITOHOORU: Spirited Away is correct! You solved it in one minute two seconds!
XANDIR: Yeah!
WAITOHOORU: Clara, you're up next! You have to solve this in forty-one seconds in order to beat Stan and Spanky's time. Bleh, turn around, please?
BLEH: Bleeeeeh!
[Bleh turns around, once again showing us the back of the T-shirt.]
WAITOHOORU: Now you can begin.
CLARA: Good!
[Clara dives into the pool. She does a rather dainty little splash that doesn't reveal much on Bleh's back... but it does reveal a "VE".]
STAN(CC): Then Clara was next, but to be honest... she sucked just as bad as Xandir did in that challenge. I guess all that upbringing at her castle must have made her too polite.
[Clara then emerges from the pool, her body soaked in shimmering droplets of water. The droplets trickle down her voluptuous figure, sliding down the vast canyon that is her cleavage, and then navigate their way down the legs, and onto the concrete surrounding the pool. She then proceeds to take another daring leap into the waters that call out her name, and with the grace of a dolphin, leaps into Undine's bosom. Instantly, the princess and the water maiden find themselves in each other's arms, their undulating figures passionately rubbing against each other, in sweet embrace, as if this was destiny...]
SPANKY: Dammit, Clara, we haven't got all day!
[Yeesh. Anyway, Clara does reveal some more on Bleh's T-shirt... since the "VE" is now "EAVE".]
WAITOHOORU: Fifteen seconds!
CLARA: EAVE... LEAVE? HEAVE? I... I'd better try again!
[Clara gets out of the pool, and then dives in once again... this time the "EAVE" on Bleh's T-shirt now reads "HEAVE".]
WAITOHOORU: Five... four...
CLARA: HEAVE?
WAITOHOORU: Three... two...
CLARA: HEAVES?
WAITOHOORU: One...
CLARA: Oh... HEAVEN!
WAITOHOORU: Time! Yes, Clara, that was the word HEAVEN, but it was too late! The title was "All Dogs Go To Heaven", by the way.
CLARA: Darn it! Darn it all to heck!
WAITOHOORU: Since Xandir and Clara weren't able to beat the time, Stan and Spanky have won immunity!
SPANKY: Yeah! You're not getting rid of me again!
STAN: Uh... kiss my ass?
WAITOHOORU: Both of you have won Pimped-Out Immunity Robes!
[Waitohooru places one of the robes on Spanky, and puts the other robe on Stan.]
SPANKY: This is the third time I've worn it!
STAN: Dude, this is like... my second. Still, I've worn it more than once, so I'm cool with that.
WAITOHOORU: Their immunity means that four of you are on the chopping block in tonight's eviction ceremony. I will see all six of you there.
[Waitohooru leaves.]
STAN(CC): Once again, that douchebag Spanky has won immunity. But then again, so have I. I was going to vote against him in tonight's ceremony, but that leaves so many other options now...
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback shot of Toot looking at the headshot Waitohooru gave her in Episode 4.]
STAN: What's wrong, Toot?
TOOT: You don't want to see how he signed mine... trust me.
CAPTAIN HERO: What's the big deal? I mean, he could have signed it "To Toot, From Waitohooru" like everyone else, right?
TOOT: That's not how he signed mine! Look!
[Toot shows everyone her headshot.]
STAN: Damn...
TOOT: See? He didn't even write my name!
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback of another scene from that episode, in which she had a catfight with Foxxy.]
TOOT[smirking]: Your mother has the Ebola virus!
FOXXY: All right, that's it. It's ON, bitch!
TOOT: Bring it, sister!
[And at that instant, Toot and Foxxy get into a massive catfight that is, since they are cartoon characters, obscured by a thick cloud of cartoon smoke. This is accompanied by sound effects of cats meowing playing in the background.]
STAN[to himself]: What the f*** is going on here...
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback of a scene from episode 5, in which Toot tried to get Waitohooru's attention before the Sumo competition.]
WAITOHOORU[to Toot]: Oh, hi, Toot.
TOOT[in sexy voice]: Oh, Waitohooru... I'm having a bit of trouble with my costume! It feels so uncomfortable... I could definitely use the support of a big strong man right about now!
WAITOHOORU: Toot... you're not uncomfortable, and I know you just want to be with me! Get back to the challenge and join the others, okay?
TOOT[under her breath]: Rats!
* * *
[Cut back to Stan in the camera confessional.]
STAN(CC): No, I'm just kidding. I know who I want to vote off, and I want to vote off Toot tonight. Hopefully that fat bitch will finally get hers.
* * *
[Shot of Stan entering the living room. He sees that Xandir is once again talking on the phone, having a scripted conversation with someone who is not really on the other end.]
XANDIR[on the phone]: Hey, is this Mario? THE Mario? Omigod, it's been a long time! I just played your latest game this morning! Yeah, that's right, your new game on the DS!
STAN[to himself]: Dude, no way...
STAN(CC): Xandir had another conversation with one of his friends... this time, he talked to Mario... you know, from the video game? When we received our DS, he asked about the wireless chat feature... Did he ask about that... so, you know, so he could talk to him?
XANDIR(CC): And once again, Stan thinks that Mario is another one of my gay friends. Silly little boy! Mario can't be gay if he spends his lifetime chasing after Princess Peach! Although he does like to ride Yoshi a lot.
XANDIR[on the phone]: No way! 150 stars instead of 120 this time? Boy, someone has too much time on their hands, sweetie! I guess 150 is the new 120... then again, 150 IS the number of original Pokémon... unless you count Mew. And how's Luigi? Oh, he's training himself for an upcoming RPG, huh? Did he watch that Pilates video I sent him?
[At this instant, Clara approaches Stan in the living room, and notices Xandir talking on the phone as well.]
XANDIR[on the phone]: Oh, he did? Well, good, because he's going to need plenty of exercise if he's going to carry a baby on his back the entire time! If you're coming with him, make sure to bring lots of Similac! Okay, bye, snookie, and give my regards to Yoshi for me! Ciao!
[Xandir hangs up, and immediately notices Stan and Clara.]
XANDIR: Oh! You two are here... man, you really surprised me!
STAN: Well...
[At this point, Toot sticks her head out from the hallway.]
TOOT[singsong]: Oh Xandir... can you come over here, sweetie?
[Toot makes a beckoning motion with her fingers.]
XANDIR: Coming, Toot!
[Xandir approaches Toot in the hallway. Eventually the two of them are out of sight from Stan and Clara.]
STAN[to Clara]: God damn, can you believe Toot?
CLARA: I can never understand why that woman doesn't like me.
STAN: Well, maybe it's because you have been spending too much time with the host, and I believe she's been upset because of that, and she thinks he has been spoiling you.
CLARA: What?! Waitohooru hasn't been spoiling me! He even said so himself!
STAN: Well, she thinks he has, and he even sent another of your relatives over for the immunity challenge!
CLARA: Oh... my special cousin Bleh. I don't know why they call it "special", since she doesn't even LOOK special...
STAN: I don't know, she does have a hot body.
CLARA: Now that you mention it, Waitohooru IS special, and I don't mean that in a mentally retarded sort of way. I mean it... in a SPECIAL sort of way.
STAN: So... you DO love him. I mean, you admitted it at the slumber party yesterday...
CLARA: Yes... I do love him. But that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about.
STAN: Well, what is it?
CLARA: Who was Xandir talking to on the phone?
STAN: I... I believe he was talking to Mario... you know, the Italian plumber from video games?
CLARA: Italian? [under her breath] Oh my god...
STAN: What, Clara?
CLARA: If Mario is Italian, he could be in a mob... probably one of those organized crime rings! Oh god... I must warn the others!
[Clara rushes down the hallway, and into the Red Room to talk to Spanky and Wooldoor. Stan watches all of this from the living room.]
STAN[under his breath]: Here we go again...
STAN(CC): And Clara just told people about the phone conversation Xandir had, and I'm pretty sure she wants to vote him off. Damn, I could end up in the finals with both Spanky and Toot at this rate! In any case, I hope Wooldoor is in the finals with me, since I made a promise to him that we'd be in the finals together!
* * *
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* * *
[Time for the fifth eviction ceremony. You know the drill. We start with a slow-motion shot of the six contestants walking down the hall to the basement, and the Room of Doom. The table is also set up, with the cels for each of the six.]
[Eventually, all six contestants have entered the Room of Doom. Both Stan and Spanky wearing their Pimped-Out Immunity Robes.]
[The six contestants are greeted by Waitohooru, who comes down the stairs and takes his place in front of them.]
WAITOHOORU: Welcome, everyone, to the Room of Doom. This is the fifth of six eviction ceremonies that you will be participating in. Tonight, four of you will survive this ceremony. But this time, TWO of you will be sent back to the drawing board.
STAN[stunned]: Wow...
WAITOHOORU: You see the table in front of you?
[Waitohooru points to the table with the six cels on it.]
WAITOHOORU: On this table are six animation cels, representing the six of you. Yep, including Spanky, who just got back into the game!
[Close-up shot of Spanky's new cel, which has just been inked and has a note reading "WET PAINT - DO NOT TOUCH" attached to it.]
WAITOHOORU: As long as you remain in the game, your cel remains in mint condition. However, if you receive the most votes against you, your cel will be thrown into the fireplace and burned, deteriorating its value, and ending your chances of winning the $100,000. In a moment, each of you will go down that hallway, and write on a piece of paper the name of the housemate you want to vote out of this game, then, speak your peace. After you've voted, place the piece of paper in the vase, and then rejoin your other housemates. The housemates you cannot vote off are Stan and Spanky, since they're wearing the Pimped-Out Immunity Robes.
SPANKY: Spanky Ham is in the house, and he's here to stay, whether you like it or not, bitches!
STAN: Oh yeah?
WAITOHOORU: Anyway, I have a few questions to ask. Toot, on a scale of 1 to 10, how good a kisser do you think Clara is?
TOOT: You're asking ME? Well, YOU should know the answer to THAT question!
[Silence.]
WAITOHOORU: Ooookay. Wooldoor, what do you think your scariest moment in this house has been so far?
[Shot of Wooldoor, who is obviously shaking with fear.]
WOOLDOOR: Gee, I don't know... ALL OF THEM?!?!
[Silence.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay. It's time to vote. Remember, TWO houseguests are leaving tonight. Stan and Spanky, since you two won immunity, you get to go first.
[Stan walks down the hallway, casting his vote. He writes "TOOT" on his piece of paper. Unlike the other votes, this one's real, baby.]
STAN: I would have liked it if both Spanky and Toot went tonight, but Toot... you're still one of those people, so out you go.
[Stan puts his vote in the vase, and rejoins the others.]
* * *
[Shot of Spanky voting. He writes "THE RETARDED ANIMAL BABIES" on his piece of paper.]
SPANKY: You know, you're cute... TOO cute, in fact. Don't upstage me anymore.
* * *
[Shot of Wooldoor voting. He writes "I LIKE LOLLIPOPS" on his piece of paper.]
WOOLDOOR: Well, SOMEONE had to write it. And that someone was me. Wheeee!
* * *
[Shot of Toot voting. She writes "M&M/MARS" on her piece of paper.]
TOOT: Actually, I liked the "colorless M&M's" concept. I want that brought back.
* * *
[Shot of Xandir voting. He writes "BOWSER" on his piece of paper.]
XANDIR: I chose Bowser because I think he spends too much time kidnapping Princess Peach, and not enough time taking care of his own children. Someone's SO not going to win Father Of The Year if this keeps up.
* * *
[Shot of Clara voting. She writes "THE SEVEN DWARVES" on her piece of paper.]
CLARA: Yeah, I know you're all midgets, or "vertically challenged", but you're all male, and you all live in the same house. Could it be true? Are all of you really... homosexual?
* * *
*
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[After Clara places her vote in the vase, she rejoins the other housemates.]
WAITOHOORU: I'll go tally the votes.
[Waitohooru walks down the hall and reads the votes in the vase. He then replaces the DT cast members' "votes" with five pieces of paper with a "vote" already written in advance. Stan's vote against Toot, however, remains in the vase. Waitohooru closes the vase, then takes the vase with him and stands in front of the six contestants.]
WAITOHOORU: Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The two housemates with the most votes against them have to leave the Drawn Together house immediately. I'll read the votes.
[Waitohooru takes a piece of paper out of the vase. It is Stan's vote against Toot.]
WAITOHOORU: First vote... "TOOT".
[Toot is nervous.]
[Waitohooru takes a second piece of paper out of the vase.]
WAITOHOORU: "CLARA". That's one vote Toot, one vote Clara.
[Clara is very nervous.]
CLARA: Oh my god...
[Waitohooru takes a third piece of paper out of the vase.]
WAITOHOORU: "XANDER". One vote Toot, one vote Clara, one vote Xandir.
[Waitohooru takes a fourth piece of paper out of the vase.]
WAITOHOORU: "X". That's another vote against Xandir.
[Waitohooru takes a fifth piece of paper out of the vase.]
WAITOHOORU: "CLARA". That's two votes Clara, two votes Xandir, one vote Toot.
[Waitohooru takes the sixth piece of paper out of the vase.]
WAITOHOORU: "ZANDER". That's three votes Xandir, two votes Clara, and one vote Toot.
XANDIR[under his breath]: Omigod omigod omigod...
WAITOHOORU: So, since Xandir and Clara have the most votes against them, they are the next housemates evicted from the Drawn Together house.
CLARA[disappointed]: Oh dear...
WAITOHOORU: Xandir, please take your animation cel, and address the group.
[Xandir takes the animation cel that has his image on it. He takes his place next to Waitohooru.]
XANDIR: Omigod... I am totally shocked! I wasn't expecting to be one of the people who was going tonight, since I really adore this place... and I got to meet a whole lot of friends! I totally feel that this Drawn Together house is like a castle... and I imagined myself as a king!
SPANKY: Funny, I imagined you as kind of a QUEEN!
[Spanky laughs at his own joke.]
XANDIR: Well, anyway, I also imagined Toot as a queen, not an EVIL queen, mind you, but just a queen... and Clara as a princess, well, because... she IS a princess. And I also imagined Stan as a prince, thank you, Stan...
STAN: You're welcome, Xandir.
XANDIR: And Wooldoor as a court jester, and Spanky... no offense, honey, but you were an evil orc who keeps terrorizing the castle, and I would spend a lot of time trying to slay you to bring peace to the kingdom. Maybe I should build some more levels first, THEN I could finally defeat you, Spanky! [giggles]
SPANKY: Well, good luck trying!
[Xandir hands his animation cel to Waitohooru.]
XANDIR: Okay. You know what to do.
WAITOHOORU: It is time. With three votes against you... Xandir, your show has been cancelled.
[Waitohooru throws Xandir's cel in the burning fire in the fireplace. While Xandir may have developed an immunity to fire over time, the cel definitely hasn't.]
WAITOHOORU: Clara, it's now YOUR turn to take your animation cel, and address the group.
[Clara takes the animation cel that has her image on it. She takes her place next to Waitohooru.]
CLARA: Gosh, you guys... it has definitely been fun! My father is definitely going to be jealous when I tell him about all the wonderful things I have experienced in this place! Oh, I wish I could live in a place like this!
[Clara then approaches Waitohooru.]
CLARA: And I really want to live in a place like this with a nice boyfriend by my side...
WAITOHOORU: Oh really?
[Clara then falls into Waitohooru's arms, and hugs him really tight.]
SPANKY AND WOOLDOOR: Oooh!
STAN: Damn, dude...
[Clara and Waitohooru are really hugging each other for a long, long, looooong time. Really long.]
TOOT: Well, THERE'S a news flash! What's the baby gonna look like, huh?
[Clara then gives her animation cel to Waitohooru.]
CLARA: Well... go ahead.
WAITOHOORU: It is time. With two votes against you... Clara, your show has been cancelled.
[Waitohooru hesitates a bit before he attempts to throw the cel into the fireplace.]
WAITOHOORU: You know what... why don't you just take this one with you.
CLARA[excited]: Really?
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, why not.
[Waitohooru gives the cel back to Clara.]
CLARA[excited]: Oh goody!
[Clara, holding the cel in her hand, then jumps into Xandir's arms.]
XANDIR: Whoa, Clara, you seem excited!
CLARA: I just feel like leaving in style! Xandir, if you would carry me?
XANDIR: Why, anything for you, my fair princess! [giggles]
[Xandir takes Clara with him up the stairs that lead outside, and out of the game for good. The other four contestants wave goodbye to them. Once Xandir and Clara are out of their sight, Waitohooru addresses the four remaining contestants.]
WAITOHOORU: Xandir's and Clara's things are packed and ready to go. In a moment, they will be leaving the Drawn Together house, and returning to... well, I still have no idea where the heck they came from. If you will follow me, you can say one last goodbye to them.
[Waitohooru leads the four contestants out of the Room of Doom and into the living room, where Xandir and Clara are taking their things with them. A limo waits outside to take Xandir and Clara to a secret hotel where they, Ling-Ling, Captain Hero, and Foxxy will be staying at, but Stan once again doesn't know that...]
[Xandir opens the front door, and he takes Clara through it, and out of the Drawn Together house for good.]
STAN: Bye, Xandir! Bye, Clara!
WOOLDOOR: We really wanted you to stay!
XANDIR: We wanted to stay too, sweetie, but looks like it wasn't meant to be!
CLARA: We will see you again! Good luck!
STAN: Good luck to you too!
[Xandir and Clara enter the limo. The limo drives off into the horizon, taking Xandir and Clara with it. The video game adventurer has left the house with the princess in his arms, but not in the way either of them wanted...]
STAN(CC): Wow, two people have been voted off tonight. In a perfect world, they would have been Spanky and Toot. I really didn't want Xandir and Clara to go yet. I just felt like it wasn't their time, but you never know what curveballs the game will throw at you...
[Shot of Xandir and Clara sharing a camera confessional.]
XANDIR(CC): Yeah, it's us again! We had a total blast, didn't we, Clara?
CLARA(CC): It was more exciting than anything I have ever seen before in my life!
XANDIR(CC): Stan, if you're watching this, you should know... you are a very brave young boy. We admire and respect you.
CLARA(CC): Your parents must be so proud of you, always sticking up for the right thing even after what we did to you all week.
[Flashback shot of Xandir adjusting the thong he gave to Stan in Episode 1.]
XANDIR(VO): It's like Stan knew all along I was gay, and yet I would expect him to make at least one gay-bashing comment, but he didn't. I guess it's because I'm not as really gay as some of the gay people he has to put up with in South Park.
[Flashback shot of Clara showing Stan her "octopussoir" in Episode 1.]
CLARA(VO): Stan... thank you once again for putting up with me... and my racist comments. I really would like you to visit our castle one day... you could live like a prince there! Maybe we could get married and live happily ever after --- when we're old enough, of course!
[Cut back to Xandir and Clara in the camera confessional.]
XANDIR(CC): So, it may be game over for us, but not for Stan. Tomorrow, he goes on to face the final stage, and defeat the end boss... metaphorically, that is!
CLARA(CC): This "end boss" you speak of... is he the tyrannical leader of one of those Third World countries who embezzles money which could instead be used to buy food and shelter for the homeless?
XANDIR(CC): Uh... maybe?
CLARA(CC): Good!
* * *
[Cut back to the living room, where Waitohooru addresses the four remaining contestants.]
WAITOHOORU: So it's official. Stan Marsh, Wooldoor Sockbat, Toot Braunstein, and Spanky Ham... you are the Final Four. You've lasted an entire week in the Drawn Together house, but only one of you is going to win the $100,000. There is only one day left. Anything can happen, so even though it's just one day, keep on your toes at all times. I'll see you tomorrow.
[Waitohooru leaves the Drawn Together house, leaving the four contestants to talk amongst themselves.]
WOOLDOOR: So, it's just the four of us left!
[Spanky looms evilly over Wooldoor.]
SPANKY[to Wooldoor]: And you know what that means! You get to spend the last day... with ME!
WOOLDOOR: AAAAAAAA!!!
[Wooldoor really freaks out and runs into the Red Room.]
TOOT: And you know what else this means?
STAN: No, what?
[Toot approaches Spanky, and places her arms on Spanky's back.]
TOOT: We have some catching up to do, if you know what I mean...
SPANKY: AAAAAAAA!!! Wooldoor, wait for me!!!
[Spanky also freaks out and runs into the Red Room.]
TOOT: Aww, dammit!
STAN: Tomorrow is going to be a long-ass day.
TOOT: Tell me about it.
* * *
***END EPISODE 7***
***PREVIEW OF EPISODE 8***
WAITOHOORU(VO): Next time, on Animated Joe Schmo...
[Close-up shot of Stan Marsh.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan...
[Close-up shot of Wooldoor Sockbat.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Wooldoor...
[Close-up shot of Toot Braunstein.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Toot...
[Close-up shot of Spanky Ham.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And Spanky... are the Final Four!
STAN(CC): God knows there are obviously better combinations than the one I'm in right now!
WAITOHOORU(VO): There are no more reward challenges, and there are no more immunity challenges...
STAN(CC): I don't want to go yet... I... I really don't...
WAITOHOORU(VO): But there are plenty of surprises!
STAN: This early?! Jesus f***king Christ!
WAITOHOORU(VO): And the Drawn Together cast members have plenty to say at the end!
TOOT: Eat your heart out, Susan Hawk!
WAITOHOORU(VO): All on the next episode of Animated Joe Schmo!
* * *
Author's Notes:
You don't need Scooby Doo to solve the mystery of who I matched Xandir up with. Xandir is a lot like the flamboyantly gay Kip from the original Joe Schmo... except Xandir doesn't speak with a Cuban accent, and Kip doesn't swing a big ol' sword around 24/7. Both are easy targets for The Asshole's repeated ribbings. And both have very good fashion sense, if I do say so myself.
Clara is a lot like Molly in the original. There have been a lot of situations Molly went through in the original that Clara went through here... including the love triangle where it is believed that she and the host are an item. Of course, if that were true, I would have made her win the whole game just like JusSonic allowed two Histeria! characters into the final two of Cartoon Survivor. But I'm not JusSonic. (No offense, of course.)
While it is scripted that the reward challenge is one to forget about, it isn't. This is the same reward challenge in the original seventh episode, which had all these tasty delicacies in the guise of the gross food that people have to eat in order to win immunity or reward in some shows like Survivor or Fear Factor. Matt did get the "canine feces" in that one, and he didn't eat it, and he did negotiate with a "Spike TV executive" just like Stan negotiated with a member of the Animation Alliance. And yes, the alternative options were to have the girls either go topless or kiss. Girls equals ratings, people!
And like the original, the immunity challenge did have the contestants dive into a pool to splash water onto a model's T-shirt to reveal a word underneath. And yes, Matt was paired up with The Asshole, and the others threw the challenge to allow those two to win immunity. You ever get the feeling that any reality show on Spike TV has at least one challenge in which sexually attractive women are being used as models (other examples include the Episode 2 immunity challenge, and the Episode 6 immunity challenge)? I wasn't kidding when I said girls equals ratings!
It's almost over. Just one day left. But if you've seen the original Joe Schmo, you'll know the end is not necessarily the end...
I've said too much already. See you there!
- 6
- 7
- 8
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Animated Joe Schmo