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Foiled! Curses again?	By : I_write_badfic_not_tragedies Category: +S through Z > TaleSpin Views: 2508 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Talespin or any other Disney fandom. I make no money off of this fic. Please don't sue me.

Chapter List
- 5
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“It… broked?” Karnage asked incredulously, holding it at an arm’s length as though it might bite.
“That’s great, now you don’t have to go see that crazy voodoo lady again!”
“But I am still stucked like this!”
“… Stuck like what?” Rachet asked, scratching his head.
“Stucked as a woman, obviously!” Karnage shot back angrily. Rachet was supposed to be one of the SMART ones.
“But you’ve always been a woman.”
The conversation ground to a halt for what felt like several minutes but was probably only several seconds. “… What?”
“Are you feeling okay?” Rachet asked, putting the back of his hand to Karnage’s forehead. “No fever. Did you have another one of your realistic nightmares?”
Karnage grabbed one of the wanted posters off their desk and shoved it in Rachet’s face. “Look. DON KARNAGE, not DONNA KARNAGE. I am the prince of pirates, not the PRINCESS of pirates!” Karnage roared.
“Well, yeah, you didn’t want to be called Donna because too many people thought Donna was your name instead of a title,” Rachet shrugged. He took the poster. “Frankly, I don’t like these wanted posters. They never capture your beauty.”
It was then that Karnage noticed that the poster showed an obviously feminized version of themselves, with the more rounded facial features, long hair, and a… ridiculously prominent bust. They looked down at their own chest. It was NOT that big or that pointy.
They pushed past Rachet and ran down the stairs to where the other pirates were playing cards. “Well, look who finally decided to get out of bed,” Jock noted.
Karnage grabbed onto his shirt. “Tell me, before this emerald nonsense, was I the man or the woman?!”
“Uh… what? You’re a woman. That’s why you went in for the emerald, the curse said only a woman could-“
Karnage dropped Jock unceremoniously back into his chair and staggered back, almost falling over until Rachet caught them. “What’s wrong with the captain?” Mad Dog asked, greatly concerned by the thousand-mile stare on Karnage’s face.
“Cabin fever, I suspect,” Rachet said, standing the captain back up. “We’ve been holed up inside for almost two weeks now. I think some fresh air and a little plundering will get the captain’s brain back on track.”
Karnage’s head was spinning but they went along with the others out of fear that not doing so would show weakness, and showing weakness was the LAST thing Karnage could afford to do at that moment. They had just spent several days away from the crew and making sure the crew was immediately pushed back into line was a top priority. Even more so than worrying about what was happening in their pants.
Of course, the only prey out that day WOULD have to be the Sea Duck. Of freaking course. The last person Karnage was in a mood to deal with, was the only person around to plunder. Baloo was his usual blunt self, always capable of saying exactly what Karnage did not want to hear. “You look different, what’s up with the new style?” he asked, referring to the bandana Karnage had been using to hide the annoying excess hair. “You know, you should consider getting some big ol’ gold hoop earrings to go with it, that would really tie the look together.”
“You should get some earrings, captain!” Dumptruck said helpfully, which resulted in a resting bitch face Karnage stomping on his foot. He hopped around on one foot in pain.
“Silence your face hole, Baloo. I am in a very bad mood, and you do not want to bang my buttons today.”
“Rachet’s been doing more than enough banging lately,” Mad Dog muttered under his breath, which earned him a sharp elbow straight into the gut.
“Well you aren’t going to be in a better mood when you hear that all I’m carrying is a massive shipment of pickles.”
“Pickles… or pickles with emeralds mixed in?” Karnage asked suspiciously. Karnage was tired of emeralds. Karnage honestly never wanted to see another emerald again, but… Karnage also couldn’t pass up a good pirating opportunity.
“Oh, you are never going to let that go, are you?” Baloo asked, rolling his eyes.
“And whose fault is that? YOURS! I have decided with my brilliant mind to find out whether there are emeralds in the pickles now and here!” I…“ Karnage paused. They had plenty of run ins with Baloo in the past, didn’t they? So if anyone would remember that they were a man, it had to be Baloo. Hell, they’d been stuck together for an entire day. How could Baloo mistake them for a woman after that? Baloo didn’t know about the emerald either, and their coat hid most of the evidence.
“Answer this quiz correctly and you get the pass today. Am I man or woman?”
Baloo blinked. “Is this a trick question?”
“You will get the trick if you do not answer!”
“I can’t tell if you’re fishing for compliments or what you’re up to. You dress like a man but after being stuck to you for a day, I can very certainly say that you are a woman.”
Karnage decided to rage open the nearest jar of pickles with a violent twist. They planned on throwing the pickles in Baloo’s face.
“Careful, those are fire pickles!” Baloo warned. “They’re STRONG.”
Karnage instantly and viscerally reacted to the smell of the pickles, pulling back and gagging quite violently. Their face went visibly green, even through the captain’s orange fur. The stench of the pickles combined with the hasn’t been washed this year smell of the interior of the Sea Duck on a hot day… resulted in projectile vomiting... directly onto Baloo. The cry Baloo made in response could not be described by the syllables of the bear or wolf languages. For the sake of simplicity, we will sum it up as “ARG!” Baloo tossed off his shirt and frantically tried to use the curtains as a towel.
After a moment, Karnage started to laugh. It was an unsettling laugh. It was not a happy laugh, or a victorious laugh. It was a crazy laugh. They wiped away a tear. “Oh, oh, that was just what the doctor prescribed. I feel much better! You know, I think with my amazing mind, that I will let you keep your pickles…”
-
“And so that’s when Karnage took everything EXCEPT the fire pickles,” Baloo explained to Rebecca.
“Baloo, you’ve come up with a lot of stupid excuses in the past, but pirates stealing everything EXCEPT the fire pickles, the one kind of pickle I know EVEN YOU won’t eat?” she asked suspiciously.
“Oh, come on, I love pickles, but not enough to eat an entire cargo of them on a single flight!” he argued back. “Shouldn’t you be more concerned that I got puked on by a pissed off pirate than purloined pickles? I should get hazard pay for that!”
“If you hadn’t let Karnage open the pickles, it wouldn’t have been a problem!”
“Well how was I supposed to know she’s allergic to fire pickles or something?!” Baloo shot back.
“But Karnage only wanted the pickles because he still thinks you hide jewelry in everything!”
“That’s her problem!”
“Hang on a second,” Kit interrupted. “Why do you keep calling Karnage a she?”
Baloo blinked. “Because… that’s what she is? The most obnoxious self-appointed pirate queen to ever fly the southern skies?”
“Karnage is a man,” Kit replied.
Baloo looked at Kit with a blank face, like his brain had just crashed and he needed to reboot. He rubbed his eyes, as he had a sudden headache.
“Baloo? Kit’s right. Are you okay?”
“I… okay, here’s the weird thing. Before the whole pickle incident, Karny straight-out asked me if… well, Karny said ‘Am I a man or a woman?’ And only seemed to get really angry when I- I- you know what? I can’t REMEMBER.”
“What do you mean?” Rebecca asked, still not quite believing him.
“I don’t remember if Karnage is a man or a woman,” Baloo said, not really believing what he was saying either.
Rebecca slapped her palm to her forehead. “The pirates must have gotten tangled up in some cursed idol nonsense again.”
“That sounds like a pirate problem, not an us problem,” Baloo retorted.
“But what if he gave you the curse when he threw up on you?” Wild Cat asked.
“That’s now how curses work. At least, I think that’s not how curses work. Becky, tell me that’s not how curses work!?”
-
Back on the voodoo queen’s island, a tense confrontation was occurring. “What do you mean, you broke it?!” she asked incredulously. “How… how is this possible?”
“I do not know, you tell me! You are the voodoo queen! And why am I still… still… this?!” Karnage demanded, lifting up their breasts and then dropping them again.
“Still what, moderately busted? You thought the emerald was going to give you bigger boobs or something?” Oh, no. Whatever was happening, it was happening to the voodoo queen too. The VOODOO QUEEN. Shouldn’t she have enough power not to be affected by… whatever the emerald was doing? This was getting stupid. The emerald wasn’t even ON them anymore, and it was still ruining their life.
The voodoo queen tapped on the emerald. “Entirely out of power. It must have gone inside you,” she frowned. This was going to make things significantly harder. For the pirate. She still wanted the power of the stone of Jolene for herself. “We’re going to have to perform an exorcism to get it out.”
“Will I go back to normal after this export-ism?”
“As normal as possible,” the voodoo queen responded. It was normal to be dead, wasn’t it?
“Fine, fine, so I come back at the full moon?”
“Things just got a bit trickier, so I’m going to need to consult with my peers on this one. That isn’t just a regular demon inside you, it’s an elder God! We also need time to figure out how we’re going to contain it again. Look, you’ve cracked the emerald,” she said, pointing. “We’ll need to create another prison.”
“I did not crack the emerald, it cracked itself.”
“Well it happened, one way or another. Look, just go back to doing… whatever it is pirates do… and I’ll send for you when I’m ready.”
-
“I’m sorry, captain,” Rachet said, rubbing his captain’s shoulders. Karnage was flopped with their face down on their desk, the most defeated he had ever seen his captain looking.
“Do… do not tell the rest of the crew yet, no? I do not want to panic them.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Rachet asked. Karnage only answered with a depressed sigh. “I hate seeing you so sad. Come on, let’s go to Louie’s. We can get some food; you can intimidate some idiots… you love terrifying Louie’s patrons.”
“Myeh,” sighed Karnage. Rachet knew it was serious. Karnage was too depressed to even want to go out and be mean to random people.
“Well, maybe I can… cheer you up with a song! Sunshine, you are my sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey…” Rachet continued his song and stood dramatically with his arms wide like he expected applause when he finished.
“That was horrificably off key,” Karnage said in a voice as flat as three-day old soda that had been left out in the sun. Hey, at least it was an insult. That meant Karnage was getting some of their pep back, right?
Rachet rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I know this is a bad situation, but we’ve been in plenty of bad situations before. I’m just saying, we’ve been in tough pinches due to magic curses before and we’ve always come out fine on the other end. Maybe the power of my love will drive this demon out of you!”
“You are getting the sappy on me,” Karnage sighed.
“Getting something to eat always makes me feel better when I’m down. Let me bring you up something,” Rachet offered.
As soon as he left the room, Karnage realized that they what they really wanted was a drink, but their water cup was all the way on the other side of the room, and they didn’t feel like getting up off the desk they were moping on. They held up their hand and made several empty waving gestures at it, as if waving could make the cup come over.
To their absolute shock though… it did. The cup rattled once, and then flew across the room into their hand. They started at it, hands shaking slightly. The voodoo queen had said there was a powerful magic being trapped inside them. Did that mean…?
“I wasn’t sure if your tummy was feeling better since this afternoon, so I just brought toast and… holy guacamole!” Rachet cried.
The cup that Karnage had been levitating fell to the ground with a loud clatter, throwing water everywhere. “Rachet, you broke my concentrations,” Karnage chided.
“You… you…”
“I am MAGIC!” Karnage said gleefully.
- 5
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Foiled! Curses again?