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Totally Sex!	By : sqevans Category: +S through Z > Totally Spies! Views: 14921 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Totally Spies!,nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Totally Sex
A Totally Spies sex parody
by Shawn Evans
Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---11:31 PM A back room of the Nut’N’Honee club in Beverly Hills---

Spurnmantha, Cumalover and Alicks, in their street clothes, are talking about their recent case.

“I can’t believe Ger’s still got us working!” exclaimed Alicks, as Cumalover’s head moves forward.

“You know he had to rush us out here, Alicks!” responded Spurnmantha, as it’s Alicks turn to move her head towards their target. “When he found out one person left the club early, before being activated, he had to take immediate action to stop the spread of the Buttmunch virus! Besides, Cumalover kind of brought the house down on our little party before Gerry did!”

“Hey!” shouted Cumalover, as Spurnmantha moves her head forward, then up and down. “It was an accident! I said I was sorry! Is it my fault I always have to look my best?”

“Cumalover,” retorted Spurnmantha, as Alicks does the headbob. “You used your red rainbow lipstick on that poor man! You practically burned his dick off!”

“What??” yelped the man they were giving tag-team head to. “Oh my God!”

“Relax, sir!” calmed Spurnmantha, as Cumalover takes her turn sucking the man’s dick. “We’re professionals!”

“I, I’m not too sure about this.” said the man as Spurnmantha goes down on his unit. “I mean, I don’t even like…”

“We don’t like this any more than you do, sir!” replied Spurnmantha, as Alicks sucks his sausage for all he’s worth. “But this is a very serious matter, so bear with us! It should all be over very soon”

“I don’t know, Spurnmy” said Alicks, as Cumalover tries her prodiguous oral skills on the man. “He’s just not responding. Maybe something’s wrong?”

“Well, it is different.” answered Spurnmantha, as Alicks works the man over. “Just keep trying!”

“I know how to end this!” announced Cumalover, as Spurnm deep throats the dude.

Cumalover takes out her rainbow lipstick, dials it to green, and applies it to her lips. Then her mouth attacks the manmeat like a jackhammer. So fast does Cumalover move up and down on the man’s manhood, friction heats up her cheeks, making them red. In no time at all, the man explodes, filling Cumalover’s mouth with the warmest cum ever.

“Wow!” marveled Cumalover, swallowing the load. “Now that’s hot!”

“Speaking of hot,” said Cum, wiping her mouth, “did you see all those cute guys out front when we came in? It’s weird, but I don’t remember seeing them before in Bev Hills!”

“Well, that’s because…” explained Spurnmantha, as the three walked out of the back room and into the main part of the club, “…it’s a gay bar.”

“Ohhhh!” realized Cumalover. “So that’s why…hey, look who’s over there!” said Cumalover, pointing. “It’s Tristan and Mandingo!”

Seeing Mandingo leave for the ladies room, Cumalover announces “I don’t think Tristan knows! Be right back!”

“But, Cumalover!” cried the exasperated Spurnmantha.

“She’ll learn, Spurnmy!” said Alicks. “She’ll learn.”

“Hi, Tristan!” said the cheery Cumalover.

“Hi, Cumalover!” replied Tristan. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Um, I had to meet someone here. Business!” snapped Cumalover. “But what are you doing here? Didn’t you know this is a gay bar?”

“Well, yeah!” laughed Tristan. “I am gay, after all!”

“Y,you are?” said the embarrassed Cumalover. “Oh, so that’s why you said I wasn’t your type!” said Cum, relieved.

“But then why are you with Mandingo?” questioned the puzzled Cumalover. “She’s not a guy!”

“She isn’t??” replied the shocked homosexual. “B, but that name?”

“I heard her parents named her after some old movie they liked.” replied Cumalover.

“But that scratchy voice! The, the very severe facial features!” said the flabbergasted Tristan. “Are you sure Mandingo’s a woman and not some dragqueen?”

“I’ve had gym class with her!” answered Cumalover. “So, yeah, our gender claims her. Unfortunately.”

“Oh. Wow.” gulped Tristan. “Do I feel silly!”

“Happens to the best of us!” replied Cumalover. “Hey? You know what? We do have something in common!”

“Really?” said the amused Tristan. “And what would that be?”

“Well, you’re gay, so you like anal sex, right?” asked Cumalover, innocently. “Not to be stereotypical about it or anything!”

“Uh, okay.” replied Tristan, momentarily taken aback by the brazen question. “That is one of the things we stereotypical gays do!” he said, laughing.

“Well, I just had it for the first time!” announced Cumalover. “A lot! I’m practically an expert on the subject!”

“Really?” wondered Tristan. “You’ll have to give me some pointers sometime, then!”

“What is this?” interrupted Mandingo.

“Mandingo,” said Cumalover, “we were just talking!”

“Trying to steal my boyfriend, you mean!” retorted Mandingo. “He already said he wasn’t your type, Cumalover, so what could he possibly be talking about with you?”

“You really want to know, Mandingo?” dared Cumalover, not backing down. “Anal sex! That’s what I was talking about! How I’ve just had lots and lots of buttsex tonight! And guess what? Tristan likes it, too!”

“Wha?? But, but” said the befuddled Mandingo. “I’ll show you! I can have an anal gang bang too! Bigger than yours, Cumalover! You’ll see, Tristan! There’s nothing she can do that I can’t do even better!” said the ever-competitive Mandingo as she marched away to find some guys to make her goal a reality.

“Ah, shouldn’t we tell her?” offered Tristan.

“Why?” said Cumalover. “It’s not like she’s going to find any guys here who’d give her a roll in the sack!”

“I suppose so!” said Tristan. “You take care, Cumalover! See you later at school!”

“That was surprising!” said Cumalover to her two friends, as they walked down the street to their regular hangout. “You think you know someone, and then…”

“Uh, yeah!” agreed Spurnmantha. “How about we go out for smoothies?”

“You’re not mad at me for spoiling our fun with Jim Druse’s replicants?” asked Cumalover.

“Nah!” answered Spurnmy. “Besides, any time we spend together, I consider fun!”

“Aw!” replied Alicks. “That’s so sweet, Spurnmy! You're such a good friend! Not like Greg! When I told him my pooper was all pooped out, he said 'too bad' and that he'd have to get someone else for his record release after party! Can you believe it? Guys are such jerks!"

"Yeah." agreed Cumalover, "They're all full of shit! Literally!"

Cumalover, Spurnmantha and Alicks laugh heartily at that quip.

"Ha ha!" giggled Alicks. "I get it now!"

"You know, Alicks...Cumalover...you don't need boys to have fun." pointed out Spurnmantha, rather quietly.

"Huh??" said the extremely puzzled Cumalover.

"What are you talking about, Spurnmy?" asked the need-to-know Alicks. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

"Just saying!" said Spurnmantha, slightly shocked she almost spilled the beans. "It's a fact of life, that's all!"

"No, no, no, Spurnm!" demanded Cumalover. "You've been throwing out vague hints all day! Out with it!"

"Out. That's a good word for it." admitted Spurnmantha. "I...I'm a lesbian. Well, actually, a better term would be bisexual, but..."

"You are?" said the surprised Cumalover. "That's great, Spurnmy!"

"Yeah!" said Alicks. "And it's about time you told us! Good for you!"

"Wait..." said Spurnmantha. "You, you knew?"

"Well, I figured it out!" replied Alicks. "Cumalover, though, would have needed flash cards to get it!"

"Grrr" said the peeved Cumalover, her face getting red with anger.

"But you guys are okay with it? Oh, I'm so relieved! I was worried you might hate me!"

"Spurnm, you've been, like, our best friend since forever! Why would we hate you?" retorted the smiling Cumalover.

"I know!" said Spurnm. "I guess I was being silly!"

The three great friends hug each other.

"Next time," said Alicks, "don't keep such important info from us! Speaking of which...what ways are there to have fun without boys?" inquired the ever-intrigued Alicks. "You have to show us!"

"Yeah, Spurnmy!" jumped in Cumalover. "You have to fill us in!"

The three giggle at the inadvertent joke.

"I, I never dared dream of this day ever happening!" crowed the elated Spurnmantha. "You really want to know? And, and have lesbian sex? With me?"

"Why not?" answered Alicks. "I've always been curious! And I couldn't ask for a better first-time experience than with my best friend!"

"What she said! And I am a very open woman, as I proved tonight! Or, at least, my rear end is!" chimed Cumalover. "But...we won't have to wear a lot of flannel shirts, will we? I still demand to be stylish, no matter my preference for sex!"

"It's alright, Cum!" said the amused Spurnmantha. "Lesbians are allowed to wear more than flannel shirts!"

"Oh goody!" chirped Cumalover. "Then it's a date!"

"You said it, Cum!" agreed Alicks. "Who needs boys! Right, Spurnm?"

"Got that right!" added Cumalover. "Say, isn't that Brock Johnson, star quarterback for Valley High over there? Can you guys excuse me? I'm just gonna introduce myself before Mandingo spots him! I'll take a raincheck on our triple date, okay? See you later!"

"Sigh!" moaned Spurnmantha. "Some things never change! Like Cumalover's need to conquer fresh meat and beat Mandingo!"

"Aw," consoled Alicks, "don't be so down in the dumps, Spurnmy! We can still have lots of fun, just the two of us!"

"You're right, Alicks!" replied Spurnmantha. "Why should I let something like this..."

"Alicks! Hey! How you doin'?" greeted the athletic man. "Me and the other guys on the soccer team didn't want you to miss our party!"

"Steve! Hi!" said the instantly smitten Alicks, a red heart beating over her chest. "I'd love to..oh, wait! My back door's temporarily closed due to overuse, and we were just..."

"No problemo, Alicks! We don't need you for that! The pleasure of your company is all we want!" said Steve.

"Really???" said the stunned, lovestruck young woman. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me!"

"Besides," added Steve, "Mandingo said she'd give her butt up to everyone! Have no idea why, but the guys weren't about to refuse an offer like that!"

"Oh." replied Alicks. "It sounds great, Steve! You know, partying with the soccer team without being anally drilled, but I kind of promised my friend..."

"That's alright, Alicks!" conceded Spurnmantha. "You go and have fun! We can get together later!"

"Are you sure, Spurnmy?" replied Alicks. "I don't want to leave you in the lurch!"

"No, no! I'll be fine!" lied Spurnmantha. "It wouldn't be the same without Cumalover, anyway!"

"Thanks, Spurnm! You really are the best!" exclaimed Alicks. "Let's go, Steve!"

"It never changes." pouted the all alone Spurnmantha. "Alicks' need for acceptance...and my need for my 'little girls'!" said Spurnmantha, examining the two vibrators in her purse.

Just then a blast echoes through the streets of Beverly Hills.

"Oh my gosh!" shouted Spurnmantha. "What was that?"

Seeing no one else around, Spurnmy investigates by herself. The site of the explosion is the science lab of Beverly Hills High.

Clearing the debris, Spurnm makes a shocking discovery.

"Ahnold! What happened?" asked the concerned Spurnmantha, upon seeing her fellow student, his clothes all ripped and torn, emerge from the rubble.

Actually, Spurnm makes TWO shocking discoveries - because, with his pants shredded, Spurnm sees that Ahnold has two penises!

"Are you o-my oh my!" sputtered Spurnmantha. "Um, let's get you covered up before anyone else steals you, uh, sees you!", she said, the wheels turning in her head.

"Because I'm a freak, right?" whined Ahnold, as Spurnm helps him out of the ruined lab and then hands him a lab coat.

"What? No!" rejected Spurnmantha. "I would never call you a freak, Ahnold!"

"Even after what you saw?" asked Ahnold, dejectedly.

"Everyone's got their own issues and problems, Ahnold! Believe me!" offered Spurnm. "This is no different. Well, maybe it's a little different. But it does make me wonder..."

"How?" stammered Ahnold. "Because my dad was a steroid freak bodybuilder, that's why! His whole package just shriveled up! He didn't want that to happen to me, so he paid some scientist to alter my genetics while in my mom's womb, and this is what resulted! Thank God for alternative gym, with it's no-shower policy, or the other guys would have seen this a long time ago and made me an even bigger laughingstock!"

"That's not what I was wondering!" interjected Spurnm. "But now that I know all that - what were you doing in the lab, by yourself, after hours?" questioned the tender spy.

"Isn't it obvious?" vented the sad boy. "Trying to find some way to get rid of this thing!"

"Oh, Ahnold!" explained the excited Spurnmantha. "You shouldn't be ashamed of the way you were born! You should celebrate it!"

"Really?" said the confused Ahnold. "But how? I don't get it!"

Spurnmantha whispers in Ahnold's ear and tells him exactly how she intends to celebrate his two (now-prized) possessions.

Grinning from ear-to-ear, the very relieved Ahnold and his smiling date, Spurnmantha, walk past the emergency vehicles and into the night.

Sometime later, Gerry hits the latenight scene, looking for the girls and dressed to party, wearing his S & M leather harness outfit.

"Girls! Alicks? Cumalover? Spurnmantha?" piped up Gerry. "I'm finally done with my paperwork! Yoo-hoo! Where are you? Girls? I think I may have been infected!"

A weary Mandingo wanders the street, spent from satisfying the carnal needs of the entire soccer team.

"Oh my ass!" whined Mandingo. "Oh, all my holes! I can't believe I did that! But it was worth it! I'd fuck anyone, anywhere, to beat Cumalover!" she gloated.

"Why, hello there, my dear!" introduced Gerry. "I'm Gerry, and..."

"Ack!" spat out Mandingo. "I have to be going!"

"Wait! Miss!" shouted the female company-impaired Gerry, chasing after Mandingo. "Using sex to get back at others is in Chapter 6 of my manual, The Art of Whore!!"

The End

How about that? The bi Spurnm ending up with the guy with the bi penis! Bet you never saw that coming! And all our spies learned something in this story - Cumalover learns some new sexual moves (and that she doesn’t have to compete with Mandingo, although she always ignores that lesson!), Alicks learns she doesn’t have to give it up to anyone just to be accepted, and Spurnm learns she can be her true self around her friends. It's like an ABC Afterdark Special! And if you don't get that joke, it's because you're not old like me!

Next:
The story's over, but there's still the Extra Scenes!
(Not deleted scenes - these are scenes that would have interrupted the flow of the story.
But they're not deleted scenes! They're extra goodies, like clips played while the credits roll)
More with Jim Druse!
More with Director Thomas!
Plus that bit with Martin & Diana!
And more with the spies, of course!
Plenty of good jokes to come!

Notes

Why use Arnold and not David? I had to use the character who would fit the story. Those two characters only exist to fill plot holes, anyway. The only characters that matter in the series are the five in every episode - Sam, Alex, Clover, Jerry and Mandy (well, Mandy's in almost every episode).

And I had the whole ending planned from the very beginning of the story. Except for the bifurcate cock. That was an add-on. (Drum rimshot!)

The clues for Tristan were back in the 1st chapter. More than 'not my type', he was also 'from the north' (San Francisco).
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