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Totally Sex!	By : sqevans Category: +S through Z > Totally Spies! Views: 14921 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Totally Spies!,nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Totally Sex
A Totally Spies sex parody
by Shawn Evans
Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---8:18 PM Outside the Oceanside nightclub---

Cumalover, dressed in her regular sex spy outfit - a red, formfitting all-over bodysuit with conveniently-placed zippers for easy access to all her most intimate areas - fretted over the fate of her friends.

I hope they're okay, thought Cumalover as she pulled up to the nightclub in the bus she commandeered from the Center. She had finally found a phone and called Gerry, who told her Alicks and Spurnm had 'loose ends' to tie up, but she lost time when she mistakenly went back to the mansion. As she parked the bus, it was a veritable mob scene. Police and even Secret Service were all over the place as people were escorted out of the club, some in a rather dazed condition! And there were ambulances! Even a fire truck! What the heck had happened, she wondered.

Her worry grew even greater when she was prevented from entering.

"Hold it, ma'am!" barked the police officer. "No one gets in!"

"B-but I have to get in there!" howled the pained Cumalover. "My friends are in there! I..."

Then, Cumalover spots them at the door.

"Alicks! Spurnmantha!" she cried out in glee. "You're okay!"

"Cumalover!" shouted Alicks. "She's here, Spurnmy!"

The three friends have a joyous reunion, hugging each other and jumping for joy. Cum notices the two spies are also attired in their appropriately-colored green and gold sex action outfits.

"We were so worried when Gerry said you didn't check in! What happened to you?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Oh, nothing much!" said Cumalover with false modesty. "Only foiled ButtMunch's plot all by myself...and had sex with movie star Jim Druse! Eeeeee!"

"Seriously?" asked the dumbfounded Alicks. "Wow. What's he like?"

"He's a jerk!" replied Cumalover nonchalantly. "But even so...I had sex with a big-time Hollywood superstar actor! EEEEE!"

"You know," commented Spurnmantha, "with us operating in Bev Hills and all, it's a wonder that doesn't happen more often!"

"Whatever! What about you guys? What happened to you at that sex club?" said the curious Cumalover.

"Oh, that was a big bust!" replied Alicks.

"Um, I'd think I'd use a different body part to describe what happened there!" said the witty Spurnmy. "But yeah, that was a total washout! No foul play at all! Unless you count all the buttsex! The real spy agent action was here at the nightclub!"

"Oh, that's right!" shuddered Cumalover. "ButtMunch said you guys were walking into a trap! How'd you escape?"

"It was all Spurnmy here!" praised Alicks. "I was totally tapped out but she made the last minute save!"

"Wow!" gushed Cumalover. "How'd you do that?"

"Oh, it was nothing, Cum." said the bashful Spurnmantha.

"What do you mean, nothing?" said the incredulous Alicks. "These hormone hunks were about to cornhole me for like, the last time EVER, which was bad enough, but they were also going to make me some kind of zombie slave! Spurnmy, though, jumps in, takes all of 'em on at once and literally saves my ass!"

"Really?" said the surprised Cumalover. "Gosh, Spurnm, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"You're not the only one." whispered the sheepish Spurnmantha.

"What was that?" asked Cumalover.

"Nothing!" replied Spurnm.

"It was way more than nothing, Spurnm!" corrected Alicks. "As soon as you took that last guy in your mouth, it was all over! Well, except for all the other guys we had to do, too!"

"You too, Spurnmy?" said Cumalover. "But that's second nature for me! How'd you think of it? Ha! Just doing what comes naturally, I bet! Right?"

"Oh, well, there wasn't anything else I could do!" confessed Spurnmantha. "But, sure, just doing what comes natural! You got it!" said the smiling Spurnmy, eager to agree with her friend.

"But that's just weird, how sucking them off broke the mind control thing!" said the in-the-dark Alicks.

"That's because the our salivic acids broke down the endocrinic web, that is to say, the hormone network set up by ButtMunch's rear end invader!"

"Whoa!" admired Cumalover. "You sure are smart, Spurnmy!"

"Actually, I looked it up on ButtMunch's website after Gerry filled me in." replied Spurnmantha. "You know, we really ought to keep better tabs on these villains. I mean, everyone has a website nowadays!"

"Ummm," pondered Cumalover, "nah! Sounds too much like studying! So what'd Gerry mean by loose ends?"

"Oh, that!" chimed in the cheery Alicks. "Just had to go down on all these guys to free them from ButtMunch's mental control! That's all!"

"Ohhh!" enthused Cumalover. "Sounds like fun! Too bad I missed it!"

"Oh, yeah!" agreed Spurnm, slightly sarcastically. "Loads and loads of fun! But at least we had some help! Bye girls! See you next time we're in Washington!" said Spurnmantha, as she waved to the two college-age girls being escorted out by the Secret Service.

"Bye Spurnmantha! Alicks! It was fun! Later!" said the departing young ladies.

"You mean..." said the flustered Cumalover. "..you had THEM...the, the daughters of the President, helping you to...!"

"Yep!" crowed the proud Alicks.

"Wow!" exclaimed Cumalover. "That almost beats my movie star screw!"

"It's not a competition, Cum!" pointed out Spurnmantha.

"Hello!" retorted Cumalover. "You have met Mandingo, right? Everything's a competition as far as she's concerned!"

"But that doesn't mean..." started Spurnmantha, before being interrupted.

"Excuse me, ladies?" implored the male W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agent, one of the cleanup crew sent by Gerry. "There's, ah, one victim left, but, uh, we're kind of spent! If you could just take care of it for us? That'dbegreatthanks!" And with that, the agent takes off running.

"Huh!" huffed Alicks. "That's weird!"

"Never mind, Alicks." commented Spurnmantha, as the three super sexy spies walk into the nightclub. "Let's just see who it...is!"

Spurnm stops short. It's an older woman. Dazed, confused, and totally under ButtMunch's spell. And not too attractive, either.

"Omigosh!" spat out Cumalover. "Those replicant guys really will do anybody! And here I thought they'd have some taste, being reps of Jim Druse and all!"

Looking around, and seeing no one else willing to do what's necessary, Spurnmantha goes down on the elderly victim, totally surprising her friends.

"Mmm, Spurnm?" Cumalover asked in the least awkward manner for her, but which was still pretty damn awkward. "Whatcha doing?"

"NnnnnHelping her!" said Spurnm, between licks.

"I think what Cum's trying to say - where the heck did you learn to do that?" said the stunned Alicks.

"NnnnnBooksnnn!" answered Spurnmantha, figuring they'd buy it.

"Wow!" said an amazed Cumalover. "You really can learn a lot from reading!"

After Spurnm gets the old woman off, freeing her from the mental/physical domination of ButtMunch, the sexed-up spies get a congratulatory phone call from Gerry on their cuntpowder.

"Wonderful job, girls!" praised Gerry. "Wish I could have been there for that! Paperwork will be the death of me! Sigh!"

"Hey, no problem Ger!" beamed Spurnmantha. "Just doing what comes naturally! Right, Cumalover?"

"You said it, Spurnmy!" said Cumalover, thinking she and Spurnmantha are on the same wavelength.

"And we never could have done it without the training manual you wrote, Ger!" said Spurnmantha, continuing the backslapping.

"Yeah!" agreed Alicks. "The Art of Whore is a great book!"

"I even read it!" chimed Cumalover. "What?" said Cum, seeing the look of disbelief on her friend's faces. "Okay, I looked at the pictures! But that's still like reading!"

Just then, the spies and Gerry's celebration is cut short by...

"Are these them?" asked the rough-hewn, yet bookish, man. "Are these the sex spies and W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents responsible for this nightclub fiasco and...?"

"N-ooo!" replied Cumalover. "These are the spies responsible for ending it! ButtMunch is the one responsible for starting it!"

"You didn't let me finish, agent!" barked the older, stately man.

"Sor-ry!" said Cumalover, before wisely clamming up.

"And are these the agents responsible for getting the President's daughters involved, Geritol Louis?" demanded the man of W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s CEO.

"D-Director Thomas!" replied a now very sweaty Gerry, finally seeing the man causing the commotion. "What, I say, what a surprise, sir! Usually one does not see you on operations!"

"I was in the area!" answered the big man. "But you haven't answered my question!"

"Yes, of course!" replied the kiss-ass Ger. "Cumalover. Alicks. Spurnmantha. You are all officially on suspension while an investigation commences to..."

"Suspension??" said the incredulous Director. "You should be giving them an award! They saved the whole country! Good job, ladies! Besides, I've been trying to get those two bitches for years!" said the happy Director, shaking the spies' hands.

"Thank you, sir!" said Spurnmantha.

"No problem, sir!" said Alicks, saluting for no reason.

"Errr, what she said! Sir!" said Cumalover, going along with the silly salute.

"Keep up the good work, ladies!" added the Director. "Gerry, you better watch out! They might take your job one day!"

"Er, yes sir!" agreed Gerry. "Very good, sir!"

"Ewww!" rejected Cumalover. "We really don't want Gerry's job, Director Thomas. But I was thinking: There is one thing I want from this gig, but it's not really according to procedure!"

"Whatever it is, young lady," said the agreeable Director, "I'm sure it'll be fine!"

"Well, okay." continued Cumalover. "You know those replicants of Jim Druse that W.O.O.H.P.I.E. has in lockup?"

"Cum," interjected Spurnmantha, "you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?"

"Why not, Spurnmy?" offered Cumalover. "They've been freed from ButtMunch's control, so they're not really responsible for what they did! Plus, I found out they're only going to last for a few more days before they, uh, turn back into their original forms! Let's face it, they're totally hot guys made for one thing, and they should be able to enjoy life while they can! And did I mention they're totally hot?"

"Cumalover..." said the skeptical Spurnmantha, mulling it over.

"Oh, let's do it, Spurnmy! It'll be fun!" cajoled Alicks. "Besides, it'd be a waste not to!"

"Oh, Alicks!" said Cumalover, as she and Spurnmantha laughed.

"What?" replied the quizzical Alicks. "What'd I say?"

Next:
The Epilogue!
Mandingo! Tristan!
Ahnold!
Hetero action in a gaybar!
(Huh? What kind of story is this, anyway? You’ll just have to trust me!)
Plus: Do Alicks and Cumalover ever learn what a huge lesbo Spurnmantha is?
Does Gerry ever get any?
Find out!
All the loose ends are tied up!
And more!
The ending’s a lot more serious and heartfelt than you’d expect.
I’m actually telling a real story here.
Sure, there are jokes. Plenty of ‘em.
But though their world is altered, I’d like to think I’m still channeling the spirit of the TV show and telling a TS story in a little bit different way.
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Totally Sex!