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Domo Arigato, Miss Roboto	By : V021 Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > Het- Male/Female Views: 3131 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
I was a little stoned off of generic NyQuil when I first wrote it. (re-reads chapter four) Okay, make that royally stoned... But there is a method to my madness. And the OC Zim. There’s a lot of talking and exposition in this chapter, so just be patient. There’ll be actual PORN soon enough.
Suggested Listening: Opportunities - Petshop Boys, Head Around You - The Offspring, Popular- Nada Surf, Black Betty - Ram Jam
Chapter 5: "Little Sister Judas and the Jerk from Outer Space"
The front door slammed open and Dib marched in, pulling off a look that was both pissed and panicked at the same time. He barely noticed his sister stretched out on the couch watching what looked like yet another Uber-violent pornime.
Gaz didn’t bother turning away from her sketch as she griped, “What are you doing here?”
“Umm, I live here.”
“Oh yah. Kind of hard to tell since you’re out with your girlfriend all the time.”
“Oh, that hurt...” Dib growled, clenching his teeth. “You’re just jealous that I’ve actually got a life now while you’re still sitting around here drawing those stupid doodles and watching your dumb cartoons.”
The pencil snapped in Gaz’s hand. “Dib, if you value your pathetic life, I’d suggest you go away. Now.”
“Or what? You gonna stab me with a crayon?”
Head twisting in a inhumanly sharp 180-degree turn, she started to take her brother up on the offer, but then snapped back into indifferent mode. “Ah, screw it.”
“Geez, Gaz... You’re getting soft. Normally, you would’ve mauled me by now.”
“I’m not getting soft.” she hissed. “I’m only letting you off this time because you’re bitchy.”
“What!”
Gaz cocked any eyebrow. “You’re being a bitch. Is that too hard to understand, genius boy?”
“Look, I don’t know what you’re getting at, but I am not being bitchy.”
“Yes you are, Dib. And do you want to know how I know that?”
He frowned. “Oh, do enlighten me...”
“You’re bitchy because you’re in denial. You just can‘t handle the fact that you’re a freak. A Big Gay Freak. You’re so far back in the fucking closet that you can see Narnia. You had to hook up with some robot cheerleader from Bizzaro-Land to fool everyone into thinking that you’re straight and normal. And it’s making you miserable, cause you know you’re neither of those things, Dib. You’re just not.” A nasty grin slithered across her face. “That, and you haven’t been getting any lately...”
Dib gaped at her in shock. Was it obvious now? Or was Gaz just second-guessing him again? Either way, he’d be damned if he admitted that to her.
“For the last time, I am not gay. I just have a few issues to work through. Plus, its disturbing that you even care about my sex life…And I’ve never even thought of having sex with Zim!”
Gaz cracked open an eye. “I never said you did...”
“I don’t have to stand here and take this crap!” Dib snapped, going on the defensive. “I’m...I’m going to take a walk. If Mary-Anne calls, tell her I’ll be back later.” With that, he went back out the door, slamming it behind him.
For a moment, Gaz stared at the door then shrugged. She knew that, sooner or later, her moron of a brother would realize how stupid this was getting and everything would go back to normal. And if it didn’t... Well, it wasn’t her problem.
Unfortunately that vile sense of Duty cropped up again, demanding that she right the cosmic wrongness of Dib’s faking. It had been bugging Gaz for weeks, insisting that if she’d just fix the problem that was Mary-Anne it’d let her get back to her precious GameSlave2. Shame she didn’t have an idea as to how to do that. Well, she did have a few ideas, but then she’d need someplace to hide the body.
Getting off the couch, Gaz went upstairs for a fresh pencil as and tried to ignore the whiny-voiced Duty banging about her subconscious. As she passed by Dib’s room, she thought she heard something thump onto the floor.
“Be quiet, G.I.R.!” rasped a voice barely muffled by the door. “We don’t want to alert the Dib of our presence!”
“Why!” squealed another voice.
Gaz smiled and, grabbing a conveniently placed foam-gun, opened the door. She relished the look of surprise on Zim’s face when the first blast of frothy restraint hit him.
“G.I.R.! Defensive mode! Nah-oomph!”
The second blast got him in the face.
But the robot had gotten the gist of the order. Going red-eyed, G.I.R. leapt forward and... latched onto Gaz’s chest like some sort of twisted android bra.
“HI, SCARY LADY!”
Taken aback by the sudden, and very unwelcome, burst of affection, Gaz stood in doorway with a look of utter horror while Zim squirmed free from the sticky mess. Then the Wrath kicked in.
“Get the hell off me, you stupid tin-can!”
“Awah...but I like it here!” G.I.R. whined, snuggling closer. “It’s like bathing in warm marshmallows...”
“Good job, G.I.R.! Now, move so I can obliterate the hu-oomph!”
Even with a robot clinging tenaciously to her, Gaz still managed to fire off a third shot and effectively glue Zim to the far wall. As she pried G.I.R. loose, she stalked toward the alien with an aura of malice only matched by Great Whites in a feeding frenzy.
Bored and ignorant of his master’s plight, G.I.R. wandered over to the desk and began playing with Dib’s impressively geeky collect of giant robot toys.
“Don’t come any closer!” snarled Zim, attempting to look threatening despite being encased in a mound of sticky foam. “I’m warning you. Take one more step closer and I’ll... I’ll spew acid in your face! I mean it!” His confidence wavered a little at the lack of fear in Gaz, so he added lamely, “I can do that sort of thing...”
“Bullshit.”
“You dare mock Zim! You? With your pathetic human weapons!”
Gaz sighed. “Unlike Dib, I don’t get off listening to your stupid threats.”
“Get off?” Zim mumbled in confusion. Then it slowly dawned on him what she meant. “Oh, that’s just SICK! When I get out of this miserable foaminess, I’m going to tear you organs out through your nostrils and make you eat them! In alphabetical order! With Super Secret Sauce!”
“Yah, whatever...”
Somewhere deep within Zim’s fractured psyche, another overstrained rubber band of sanity snapped.
“YOU DARE DISMISS ZIM!” He screeched, failing around like a crack-head weasel. “I’LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE! I’LL MAKE YOUR WHOLE VILE SPEICES PAY A THOUSANDFOLD FOR IT! YOU’LL SEE! ONCE I’M FINISHED WITH THIS FUCKING PLANET, YOU HUMANS ARE GOING TO WISH YOU’D NEVER MOCKED ZIM!”
“What the hell’s his problem?” Gaz muttered to G.I.R.
“I think Master has the PMS...”
Giving the robot one of her rare gapes, Gaz turned back to Zim. “So you really are a girl...”
“Damn dirty human... Get it through your horrible skull: I’M MALE!”
“Sure you are...” In a strange display of mercy, Gaz sprayed the release solvent, freeing Zim.
Sneering in triumph, he advanced with laser drawn. “You just made a fatal mistake, young Gaz. Now prepare for you’re DOOM!”
“You don’t want to do that.”
Zim blinked. “I don’t?”
“No. Because I’m want to help you.”
“Help? HA! We don’t need your stinking help!”
Gaz shrugged. “Fine. Kill me. But only if you can answer me this: Why Dib?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why keep playing around with my idiot brother? Wouldn’t it be easier for you just to take advantage of his ignoring you to conquer Earth? Or just nuke the planet from space and go back to whatever crap-hole planet you’re from?”
“Because... I, eh... Dib’s always...” Growling in frustration, Zim lowered his laser and turned up his ‘nose’ in distain. “Your filthy, underdeveloped brains could not handle the magnitude of my reasons for hunting the Dib.”
“Try me.”
“...”
“Knew it.” she hissed with an evil smirk after several minutes of silence passed. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“I am an Irken! We are incapable of this pathetic LOVE that weakens you humans.” Zim stopped, thought about what he just said for a second, and then added. “But I do respect Dib’s -- eh, skills. Yes. I respect his Dib-ness.”
“Right. You want a soda or something?”
Zim stared blankly at her. “What?”
“Do you want a soda? God, am I surrounded by morons!”
He looked at Gaz like she had the brain worms. “Uh...okay?”
“Good.” Leading the rather puzzled alien and his dumbly grinning robot to the kitchen, Gaz quickly made them sit as she dug up a few Grape Poops, a tube of freezer burned Coco-Chunk ice cream, and a box of Midol.
“Here.” She grumbled, shoving the ice cream and pills at Zim. “Take these. They’ll make you feel less...moody.”
The alien poked at the stuff before him. “Is this some kind of poison?”
Gaz snarled at him.
“Okay, okay...” Grimacing in disgust, Zim forced down the Midol and a spoonful of the vile dairy muck. When he noticed Gaz staring at him expectantly, he squeezed out, “It’s-(gag)-delicious...”
“Thank you. Now, let’s get down to business.” She settled herself in the chair across from Zim. “Why were you breaking into Dib’s room?”
“Well, I was planning to vaporize his ENORMOUS head...” snapped Zim, emphasizing his point with a fist slammed on the table. “That is, until you showed up and covered me in foam.”
G.I.R. giggled. “We was gonna to make Dib head go KA-BOOM!”
“Did it ever occur to you that he might not be home?”
Zim scoffed. “Don’t be stupid. Dib has to be here! I heard him tell his girl that he was coming back here. I mean, this is his home base!”
“You just happened to overhear Dib tell Mary-Anne that?” Gaz asked in a skeptically jeer.
“Oh, silly Gaz! Do you know nothing?” Zim laughed, gulping down another spoonful ice cream. “G.I.R. and I have been following the Dib and that HORRIBLE girl the entire afternoon!”
“So you have a way of tracking Dib?”
“What sort of stupid question is that! Of course I can find the human and his girl...”
Gaz put her soda down and leaned closer to Zim. “Let me get this straight: You can find Dib and Mary-Anne while they’re together, but you can’t tracked them both separately?”
“Not exactly...” He slurped up the last of the Coco-Chunks. “I can pinpoint the exact location of the girl, but not your huge headed sibling.”
“Then why haven’t you done something about her?”
“Oh, quit acting like a moron! The girl is unimportant! Inconsequential! And completely insignificant! I’m only after Dib, not his UGLY little pet...”
Teeth grinding, Gaz put her head in her hands. “You DUMBASS!”
“Eh?”
“Don’t you realize that this crap started when Dib got himself a girlfriend?” She rasped hopelessly. “If you get rid of Mary-Anne, Dib will certainly go back to being his old, alien-hunting, babbling lunatic self!”
Zim gaped at her in amazement, realizing the sheer rightness of what Gaz had just said. He almost congratulated her, but then his Irken pride kicked in. “If it was that easy, then surely a mind as EXTRAORDINARY as mine would have come up with it before now! Besides, the girl is constantly with Dib. Neither one of us could take him on alone. Why, it take both of us teaming up to get rid of this Mary-Anne!”
Gaz bolted straight up in her chair. “What did you say?”
“Neither one of us can take Dib alone?”
“No, no! That last part!”
“We have to team up?”
“Zim,” Gaz murmured in awe, “this is the first and only time I’m going to say this: You’re a fucking genius! If you and I work together, we can get rid of the scourge that is Mary-Anne. And, as an added bonus, you’ll get all the Dib stalking you can stand.”
“Are you crazy! I’d never, never, never-ever team up with a human!”
“You helped Dib out a few times, before he became a total asshole...”
“You lie, female-stink!” snarled the alien, pointing an angry claw at her. “I have never aided the Dib!”
“Yes you did, master!” G.I.R. chirped as he extracted himself from the breadbox he’d taken a nap in. “You help the big-head boy lots and lots of times!”
Whipping around, Zim snapped on his robot slave. “Just whose side are you on!”
“The one with the naked dancing gnomes...”
Both Zim and Gaz stared at it in silence.
“Okay...” Gaz turned back to the alien. “Look, I’m not thrilled with the idea either. In fact, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it. So unless you have a better plan, I suggest you quit whining and deal.”
Knowing that this was an offer he couldn’t refuse, Zim sighed in defeat. “Very well, devil girl. I accept your offer. But know that the minute Dib is back to being Dib, our truce is over!”
“Fine by me.” Hopping off her car, Gaz walked over to Zim, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and unceremoniously threw him out of the house. “Now, get out of here. I’ve got work to do.”
“Eh!” Zim sputtered, extracting his forehead from the gutter. “But you still haven’t told me your plan!”
“Just be waiting for me at my locker tomorrow at Skool.”
“And then you’ll tell me the plan?”
Gaz held back the urge to beat her new ally into a bloody mass. “Yes. Now, LEAVE!”
The door slammed, leaving Zim still sprawling on the sidewalk.
“Bye Scary Lady!” G.I.R. yelled, trotting up to his master with Midol in hand.
“Come, G.I.R.!” sneered the alien, hopping up and acting as if a human-girl hadn’t just bested him. “We’re return to the base. I’ve got some planning of my own to do.” Grinning the ruthless grin of a purebred Invader, Zim chuckled in the most disturbingly soft way as he began to marching down the street. He couldn‘t resist rubbing his hands villainously. “Oh such planning must I do...”
-----
The Hi-Skool, next morning...
Feeling euphoric from the sheer genius of his plan within a plan, Zim leaned against the cool metal of the lockers and waited for Gaz. Between putting the finishing touches on the P.W.P.and ordering Mini-moose to bring more of the ‘Midol’ pills, he wondered what sort of twisted and, most likely, violent thing the devil spawn that was Dib’s sister had come up with. He knew that it would be nothing compared to the horrors he was planning for Dib, but Zim couldn’t help admiring the raw amount of malice that Gaz had in her dead-black heart of icy darkness. If it wasn’t for her obsession with that silly video-game toy, she could’ve turned out a adversary worthy enough for Zim to consider a near equal. Then again, knowing what lengths Gaz would go to for vengeance, he was suddenly glad to have her as an ally instead of an enemy at the moment.
Zim’s train of thought was soon broken by the appearance of Dib and his girl coming down the hall, laughing and smiling and looking to all the rest of the world like the perfect happy couple. But it only made Zim clench up his fists in quiet, shaking rage. Patience... patience...
“Zim. What are you doing here?” Dib growled, trying to hide his panic in machismo.
“Nothing, earth-boy.” replied the alien, putting up a front of casual hatred. “I’m just standing around like all the other normal monkeys. You gotta problem with that?”
“Yah, I’ve gotta problem.” Before Dib could get any further with his male posturing, a mysterious bass-line and guitar solo suddenly blared to life.
(Whoa, Black Betty! Bam-a-lam) (Whoaaaaa, Black Betty! Bam-a-lam)
The entire hall turned toward the nexus of this bizarre auditory phenomena.
“Oh. My. God.” gasped Mary-Anne.
(Black Betty had a child... Bam-a-lam ) (The damn thing gone wild... Bam-a-lam) (The damn thing gone blind! Bam-a-lam)
The source was a lone girl at the end of the hall. She was decked out like Lolita meets Satan’s daughter, from the menacing theatre makeup to the form-fitting Catholic school uniform to the striped stockings and combat boots. As she strutted past, heads turned to follow her as she made her way up the hall.
It wasn’t until she was right in front of him that Dib was stricken with a startling recognition.
(I said Oh, Black Betty! Bam-a-Lam) (Whoa, Black Betty! Bam-a-Lam)
“Gaz!” he stammered, unable to believe the change that had come over his sister.
But she made no sign that she’d heard him. Instead, Gaz breezed past her stunned brother and aggressively grabbed Zim by his waist. “Come ‘ere, greenie.”
Zim, more thrown by the fact that Gaz was out of uniform than by the fact that she’d gone Goth-slut, let her drag him off a little ways. Then his brain kicked back in.
“Hey! What the h-”
Clenching tighter, she stifled his resistance. “It’s all part of the plan, Zim.” she hissed in his ‘ear’. “Now, just play along and keep smiling or I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born...”
Catching the drift, the alien nodded and plastered the most extreme fake smile he could on his face. As he looked around at the surprised faces of his sheepish peers, hushed snippets like “I thought she was a lesbian...” and “why the freak?” and “stupid locker...”. Then he guessed what the human was trying to do: Gaz’s plan was to trick the Skool into believing that he was her ‘boyfriend’, though he still couldn’t figure out what this had to do with the Dib. But if there was one thing that Zim prided himself on, it was following orders, even if he really thought they were stupid.
In his eagerness to show off his ASTOUNDING knowledge of Earth mating lore, Zim snaked a hand down Gaz’s back and gave her butt an ‘affectionate’ squeeze.
Growling in rage, Gaz responded to the gesture by shoving Zim into the boy’s bathroom. The flailing alien slammed into Poochy, Drinker of HATE, who’d been taking a quick pee before class, and caused the unfortunate boy to catch himself in his zipper.
In the far corner next to the windows Samichy, Rob, and Zoogoldon cease their consumption of illegal herbage to stare at the boobies.
“You,” Gaz barks with a curt jerk of her thumb. “Out!”
As they filed (or, in Poochy’s case, waddled in agony) past her, Samichy mutters under his breath, “Damn! I must be seeing things! This is some strong shit, Rob!”
“Word.”
Ignoring the stoners, Gaz locked the door and whirled on Zim.
“What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk!”
“What?” he replies with a shrug. “You’re plan is to make it appear we are engaged in this ‘dating’ ritual, correct? I was only behaving like a...boyfriend.” The last word was wedged out with a gagging sound.
“If you ever touch me like that again, I‘ll rip out your squiddly-splooch.”
“But was I right about the plan?”
Gaz hops up on the sink and crosses her arms. “Zim, a brain-dead monkey could’ve figured that out.”
“But why? I hardly think that this is going to help our mission.”
“Actually, us ‘dating’...” Gaz nearly choked on the word. “Is vital to my plan. Didn’t you notice the look on his stupid face?”
“Uh...”
“It’s making Dib jealous.”
Zim blinked then face-faulted in disgust. “Human, that definitely more than I ever wished to know about your filthy family!”
In a burst of fury, the truce was briefly forgotten in favor of a quick lesson in why the wise man never suggest to devil girl that she’s involved incestuously with her sibling. The lesson ended with Gaz dunking the alien into a handy toilet and flushing repeatedly.
“Grr...Why aren’t you hurting!”
“I think I’m bleeding internally...” Zim faltered, gingerly shoving his eyeball back in.
“But the water! Shouldn’t you be, you know, dissolving or something?”
Laughing smugly despite his wounds, the alien menace clambered out of the toilet. “Oh-ho! Stupid, stupid earth girl. You’re pitiful water torture no longer affects ZIM for I have conditioned my body to withstand this vile liquid of DOOM!” He adjusted his disguise and went serious again. “But I’m still not sure what good it is making the Dib jealous. After all, would he not already be jealous of my MAGNIFICENT brilliance? I am so GLORIOUS that even the white-hot intensity of ten trillion suns cannot match my shiny GRANDEUR! Why, I am the single greatest Invader to have ever been smeeted! Yes, earth stink. You all should be HONORED that your fecal planet shall met ERADICATION at the mighty hand of ZIM!”
“Well, if you’re that impressive, then why does he keep ignoring you?”
“Do not change the subject!”
Gaz hung her head and ground her teeth. Joining forces with a megalomaniacal moron was definitely a bad idea...
“Look, I don’t know how it works with your species, but on Earth, older brothers are very protective of their sisters. And you’re his self-professed archenemy. What do you believe Dib’s going to think if he believes we really are a...(retch) couple?”
Zim’s brow furrowed in intense concentration. “Uh, eh... That I’ve brainwashed you?”
“Very good. Now, what do you think he’s going to do about it?”
“Ooh! The Dib’s going to go- how do you primates put it - completely ape-shit and try to kill me for having corrupted your delicate female virtue with my depraved and inhuman LOVE.”
She shuddered in loathing. “Yes, but don’t ever say it that way again.”
“Ingenious...” mused the alien. “And here I was thinking that you were just another stupid monkey-pig.”
“Right...” Unlocking the door, she turned back to Zim. “Now, let’s get on with it, darling.”
“Why of course, Gaz dearest.”
Arm in arm, yet strangely distant, the pair walked out of the bathroom and off to began a campaign of fantastic romantic terrorism on Dib’s paranoid mind.
- 4
- 5
- 6
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Domo Arigato, Miss Roboto