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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit	By : Jayrich Category: +1 through F > Dan Vs Views: 4007 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Just so it's clear, I do not on Dan vs. or the characters that appear on the show. Also, I am not making a single dime off of this story.

Chapter List
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Dan vs. the Demon

He reached into his blue jeans back pocket and pulled out his wallet, opening it in search of that one photo. After finding it, he pulled it from his wallet and began to stare at the image, almost longingly. It was the one photo that Dan felt was most important to him, an image of himself and Hortense, the former cashier at Burgerphile turned wife of the owner... and quite possibly the only woman he’ll ever love.
“OK Cupids, it’s almost time!”
Hearing that upbeat, cheerful tone of voice from that female stranger only made Dan grumble under his breath as he placed the photo back into his wallet and dumped that back in his pocket. He sat in what he would describe as a glorified hallway, a row of 20 chairs aligning one side of the wall with him sitting near the middle. All of the chairs were full, which was to be expected at a Speed Dating Event.
“Why the hell did I let Chris talk me into this?” He grumbled to himself.
He could clearly remember why, but it still didn’t make him happy. Chris offering to wash his car, a chore within itself, and wash Mr. Mumbles, which at times is akin to self-mutilation, was too good to pass up. Dan knew there was an alternate motive his friend had, but any reason not to wash his cat or travel to the car wash, which Dan still believed to house a secret assassin’s guild, was a good one.
“Hey, little guy! Trying your luck in the dating game?”
Dan turned to his left to see a suave gentleman wearing a suit with the sleeves rolled up, his hair slicked back and loafers without socks. The immediate sight of him irked Dan, but his comments further enraged him. “LITTLE!? WHO DO YOU—!?”
“I understand compadre.” The man interrupted; his voice more irritating than his appearance. “I come here to recharge the Chick Magnet myself. Kind of a challenge with me, like, how fast can I get their panties to drop, you know?”
“Alright Cupids, get your arrows ready!” Dan turned to his right to see an overly enthusiastic blonde haired woman standing in the doorway, motioning for the customers to go in. “Love Season has officially begun!”
“Give ‘em hell, dudeski!” The guy told Dan as they both ventured towards the room. “And if you get lucky, try out the shocker on them.”
“Yeah, the shocker. Will do.” Dan replied, rolling his eyes. “I’d call you a douchebag but that would imply women actually have a use for you.”
Walking through the doorway he entered a warehouse-like room which had dozens of immensely long tables placed throughout. At the tables sat the clients and timers were placed in the center, spaced out along the tops of the tables. Every few seconds Dan could hear a loud ding, signaling it was time to move on to the next client for the next date. It made him want to rip his hair out.
“Well, right this way, sir!”
Before he could react, Dan was being led by the same annoying woman who motioned them into the room. She showed him over to a table that had one last seat open; twenty men were sitting on the left side and twenty women on the right.
“Here you are!” She said, sitting him down as he growled with disapproval. “And let’s not forget this...”
“OWWW!!!”
A stinging pain ran through his chest as she applied the necessary name tag with his name onto it. “Geez, is it customary for your business to assault its clients!?”
Whether she didn’t hear him or simply ignored him was indiscernible as she waved goodbye to him. “See you later, Dan! I just KNOW you’re gonna find your special girl tonight!”
“And I just know all sugar in existence should be banned from your mouth!” He replied.
DING!!!
The loud chime caused him to jump, and then growl again as he turned and looked across the table to see a woman wearing sweats who looked half-asleep staring back at him...somewhat. Her hair looked uncombed and there wasn’t a touch of makeup on her.
“Hey...do you have any, like, corn chips on ya?” She asked. “Got a serious case of the munchies.”
It took a moment for Dan’s brain to actually process that she would ask him that, but eventually he answered. “No.”
“Bummer, dude.”
“Yeah, a total drag.” He agreed sarcastically. “Might as well get this over with.” He glanced down to a short stack of cards on the table below him and picked them up. Looking them over, he found a question that wasn’t irksome and decided to ask it. “Alright, what is your idea of a magical night?”
“Yo, magical night. Well, I guess it would be, like, hanging out with a magician.” The woman answered. “Or maybe like a witch, or a wizard...like that kid in the glasses! Hey, you ever think that kid is a lot older than he looks?”
DING!!!
“THANK GOD!” Dan exclaimed.
“Hey, was that a microwave?” She asked.
“Yes, we’re heating up your munchies.” Dan told her. “They’re right through that exit right there, in the middle of traffic. Make sure you look long and hard.”
And with that, the dazed and confused woman stands up from the table and staggers off towards the exit as Dan watched with a devious grin. “Hopefully she hasn’t bred yet...”
His self-satisfaction would disappear however, as the next woman for his speed date sat down at the table; a slender brunette wearing a dress straight out of the 1950s, and a smile that would be at home on a Stepford Wife’s face. “Why hello there.”
Her appearance immediately caused Dan’s eyebrow to cock up. “Yes...Hello.”
“I think it’s so wonderful for people to get together this way.” She said, her voice heartwarming yet her expression frighteningly steady with her smile. “What’s your name?”
Instinctively, Dan placed his right hand over his chest, covering up his name tag. “Uh, Chris! That’s it! So, tell me a little about yourself.”
“Well, I love to cook and clean, and I believe that my place should firmly be in the kitchen, making you sandwiches.” She answered, increasing her creepiness. “I also have a few hobbies knife collecting, exotic cooking shows, and documentaries about vivisections!”
Dan was more than a little frightened of this potential date to say the least, and was beyond relief when mercy and a form of exit came at the joyous sound of the...
DING!!!
“Well...that’s just dandy.” He replied, standing up from his seat. “Tell ya what? You got my number, give me a call sometime. Preferably when you’re not in a homicidal mood.”
“But, but I—!”
He didn’t give her the opportunity to finish, quickly rushing away from her as he moved several chairs down to avoid any further conversation. As he stopped and sat in a new chair though, he found himself face-to-face with a woman he hadn’t seen in a long while.
“Wait...Amber?”
She wore a white tank-top with tight blue jeans and loafers, a noticeable difference from how she looked when Dan first met her at Anger Management. Her hair was still the same though, as was the glimmer in her eye as she lifted her head & noticed the man across from her. “Dan?”
“Oh, wow!” He said with genuine surprise. “It’s-it’s been months. How have you been?”
“Fine, fine...I’ve been doing OK.” She answered.
“So, you’re still doing the Anger Management thing?”
“Um, no. After that whole debacle with your friend and the chainsaw, I tried to maintain my composure and regain control of my anger...but I relapsed.” She admitted. “I started taking vengeance on everyone who wronged me through my life, and I actually got through 75% of the list.”
“Cool!” Dan said, sincerely interested. “I’m about 55% through my own list.”
“Yeah, but I got caught by the authorities and was forced into 2 months of community service.” She continued. “In fact, this is my last week.”
“Hmmph! Stupid cops!” He lamented. “What is so wrong with a person wanting to become a vigilante for what they believe is right, and extract revenge on everyone who’s wrong them? Bet Batman never had this problem!”
“And right now, I’m just focusing on keeping it together.” She finished. “You know, not letting the anger win.”
“What, no!” Dan disputed. “Let the anger win! In fact, tag-team with it for more success!”
“Dan, I can’t do that!” She told him. “I’ve seen the effects of it!”
“Yes you have!” He agreed. “That jerk who littered? Bet he’s not even THINKING about dropping a gum wrapper on the ground anymore. And your classmates, your sister, how many of them respect you now?”
“They don’t respect me, they fear me!”
“Fear is good as well.” Dan commented, before grabbing her hand. “What I’m trying to say is...rage and vengeance can make your whole life better.”
She sat there for a moment, gazing into Dan’s eyes as she could see the sincerity in them. She recalled back those months ago to that anger management session, and how freeing and fun it was to enact vengeance by his side...and how good it felt to be with someone like her.
DING!!!
She was snapped from her train of thought by the timer though, and decided she couldn’t remain there. “I’m sorry, Dan.”
“Wait, WAIT!” He called out to her but she quickly rushed into a crowd of dating prospects. Dan thought about giving chase, but a familiar voice halted him.
“Aww, heartbreaking isn’t it?”
Turning back to where Amber was sitting, he saw the source. “What the...YOU!!!”
And there, lounging in the chair was arguably the bane of Dan’s existence, the Demon. “Wow, you really love that letter of the alphabet, don’t you?”
“No...I banished you! I sent you back to Hell!”
“Yeah, as if I would stay there.” She replied snidely. “Besides, don’t get your boxers into a bunch. I’m just here to check on the process.”
“Process!?” He repeated. “WHAT PROCESS!? I’M DONE WITH YOU!!!”
“Oh, did I forget to tell you everything about our deal?” She asked, feigning forgetfulness.
“I KNEW IT!” Dan yelled. “You DID take my soul!”
“BZZZ! Wrong!” She quickly replied. “Like I said, souls are so passé down below...love lives, however...”
Dan was more than confused at that revelation. “Love lives?”
“And the Love Monkey gets it.” She replied. “With that “contract” we signed, I now have full control over whom you love and when you love them; and vice versa! Meaning that kindred spirit who rushed out of here is off the menu...AND if you even had the slightest chance at that kind-hearted cashier you fawn over from your wallet photo, it’s gone now. You’re gonna die a bitter, lonely, crotchety old man who needed Hell’s help just to get laid...yeah, might wanna get some cold water for that burn. Bye-Bye!”
And in a cloud of brimstone & flame, she disappeared appeared from his sight, unnoticed by anyone else in the crowd. But her words remained with Dan, as he now realized what the price was for his carnal night with the demon. The idea of him not experiencing love again hit him hard; it meant that neither Amber nor Hortense would ever return any affection towards him. The only two to ever have had any interest in him were now locked out thanks to the Demon. It was a realization that shocked him to his core. But that shock evolved into anger; anger that grew exponentially, boiling inside of him as he began to tremble. Again, his face turned a crimson red as he kicked over the table in front of him, causing several daters to fall onto their backs. Then he threw his fists to the sky, shouting out the very reason for his rage as it echoed throughout the entire building.
“DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!”

“Aw man, what a day...”
Chris uttered those words as he stepped through the doorway to him home, shutting the door behind him. There were candles light around his living room and along with the TV they were the only things illuminating the house. His wife was nowhere to be seen, but he soon heard her voice.
“Tough day at work, dear?”
“I had to deal with 4 return calls, 6 exchanges and 3 hours talking to some old woman who thought an Encyclopedia was the latest European Sports Car. The only surprise is that I didn’t hear from Dan at all, today.”
“So, it WAS a good day.” She commented. He grinned and chuckled to himself over the joke as he plopped down on his couch, exhausted from the day. “I got you something special for tonight.”
“Ooh! The No. 8 special on the Burgerphile menu?” He asked.
“Not quite.” She said.
“Something from the dessert menu at Ninja Dave’s?”
“...You could say that.” She replied, finally revealing herself from their bedroom. The living room was dark, but he could see that she was holding a platter close to her chest which had some treats on it. He licked his lips with anticipation, hoping it was something sweet. As she leaned down towards him however, he saw that it was something that wasn’t exactly edible, but enough to satiate his appetite; her breasts were on the platter.
“Ready to dig in?”
In that instance, his expression went from weary to total shock. It wasn’t at all what he was expecting, but then again he remembered how Elise loved to use unconventional methods to get them in the mood. And though it wasn’t food on the platter, Chris did develop a strong hunger all the same.
Reaching forward, he wrapped his hand around her left butt cheek and pulled her close, causing her to land in his lap as she tossed the platter away. Her hips gently swayed side to side as they drifted lower onto his lap. Her arms wrapped around his neck as she wrapped her lips around his. And instantly Chris was reminded just how lucky of a man he was. The sensation of her lips was powerful enough to blast out all that was horrible in his life, memories of Dan included. He placed his hands on her waist as he leaned back, and she responded by leaning forward and cocking her head to the side, intensifying the kiss.
Soon Elise felt his manhood poking through his khaki pants, and parted her lips from his. “That always revs you up.”
“Well, you know how to start my engines.” He replied, taking off his buttoned shirt before unbuckling his khakis and pushing them down to his knees along with his briefs. She responded, with impressive agility, by jumping from her knees to her feet and sliding her red shorts down her slender legs. Her panties followed next as they also descended down below her knees, until they were low enough for her to step out of them and her shorts, before she herself descended back onto her lap and helping him pull off his t-shirt.
“Seriously, how can you be that agile?” He asked, tossing the shirt aside.
“Is that really what you wanna know right now?” She countered seductively.
And she was right; though he was always inquisitive about her past, due to her showcase of obscure but impressive skills, that was not paramount at the moment. What was paramount was continuing this moment of carnal intimacy. They stared into each other’s eyes as Elise raised herself and Chris guided his hard cock to the waiting lips of her snatch. She could feel the head of his member rub up against her, and in unison he delved in as she lowered herself, taking every inch of him down to the hilt.
“Oh baby, yeah!” She cooed. “God that feels so good.”
Chris remained silent however, pulling her in close for another passionate kiss. He punctuate their make out by driving his hips upward, pushing his manhood even deeper inside her. As he descended though, she took the lead; her hips bouncing in a rhythmic motion, her ass jiggling from the impact. After moments passed she broke the kiss and wrapped her arm over the top of his head, continuing to ride his cock.
“That’s it, Chris.” She panted. “Give it to me. Gimme all you got!”
He didn’t need to be told twice as he took one hand and nearly sunk his fingers into her plump yet firm backside, and used his other to cusp her breast, lifting it up to his mouth, allowing him to wrap his lips around it.
“OH GOD!” She moaned. “That’s it, baby! Suck it!”
He used his hand to follow her movements, but left her in the driver’s seat as she continued to ride him hard. The pace slowed but the force increased, as his thrusts went further and harder, causing her to grunt passionately as he pumped his cock in her and licked her nipple. She ran her fingers through his short brown hair and bit her lower lip. She had been dreaming about this all day, to have his enormous manhood ravage her all night, and she was about to reap the first benefits of it as she felt an orgasm on the brink of arrival, and cheered him on.
“Don’t stop, Chris!” She ordered. “I’m close...so close!”
“Me...Too!” He uttered out.
“Just keep fucking me!” She demanded. “Give it to me, baby!”
He didn’t stop, and after continuous thrusts into her wet pussy, fondling, kissing and groping of body parts, the two hit their climax. Elise arrived first, as her body tensed up and goosebumps washed over her glistening skin. She then fell limp onto Chris before feeling his jizz spray into her snatch, filling it up. His face was sandwiched between her cleavage, and it felt like heaven.
“Why...can’t we end...every day...like this?” He asked, trying to catch his breath.
Elise knew the reason; her “job” required her to travel all across the world and inopportune times for lengthy periods, making nights like these virtually impossible. But instead of revealing that information, she played it off as always. “I’ll ask my boss for some more manageable hours; now let’s not ruin this moment with work talk.”
“Agreed.” Chris replied, wanting to bask in the sensation of their shared orgasm as well. Unfortunately, that basking would be short-lived.
“Are you two finally done?”
And just like that, their eyes shot wide open. They glanced at each other, before slowly turning to Chris’ left, both praying the familiar voice was just their imagination, or a voicemail that was mysteriously triggered. But no, it was the genuine article...Dan was sitting in the next room, staring at them.
“I need your help, and I’d rather have you clothed for it.”
“DAN!!!”
Instinctively Elise grabbed the closest thing to her, a picture frame of the couple on their honeymoon, and flung it at the intruder with such accuracy, it clocked Dan dead center in his forehead, instantly knocking him out.

“Owww...what happened?”
Dan was in a daze as he opened his eyes. His vision was blurry but it slowly began to clear. After a moment he was able to make out Chris sitting next to him, dressed in his pajamas and holding a bag of ice to his head. “What happened, is you pissed off my wife.” He answered.
“Oh yeah, I remember now.” Dan recalled. “I was assaulted.”
“Assaulted!? YOU BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE!!!” Elise shouted from the next room.
“She does have a point.” Chris added.
“You act like I WANTED to see that disgusting act you two did on the couch!” Dan argued. “Honestly, the sight of Elise’s sagging booty...UGH!”
“WHERE’S MY KATANA!?”
“OK, Dan, do you mind telling us just WHY you broke into our house?” Chris asked, as Elise stood in the doorway, arms folded and wearing her nightshirt. “You know, before my wife reenacts the fatalities in Mortal Kombat with you?”
“Like I said, I need your help.” Dan repeated.
“What could you POSSIBLY need help with that involves you BREAKING IN while we were HAVING SEX!?!?” Elise asked aggressively.
Dan took a deep breath, exhaled, and answered. “I need you to help me get laid.”
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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit