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Band's Best Friend	By : sillyneko345 Category: +M through R > Metalocalypse Views: 2175 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoon this fic is based off of (Metalocalypse). I make no profit from writing this.

Chapter List
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AN: This is the last chapter! Thanks to everybody who worried about Loki—I’m sure he would appreciate it. Now, let’s go see what will finally happen to him, shall we?

Characters: Everyone (minus one wolf and his fleas) belongs to Small & Blacha.

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“Well ishn’t that jusht preschioush.”

Skwisgaar came back to consciousness slowly. He cracked open one blue eye, trying to determine where the intruding voice was coming from and who it belonged to. “Whats…?”

Nathan sniggered. “You recording this, Murderface?”

“Oh, yeah.”

The blonde’s eyes shot open wide. Very abruptly, he remembered where he was and what was going on. He was sprawled on the sofa—hair a wreck, a thin line of drool running down his face, guitar about to slip from his numb grasp—and Toki’s head was in his lap. The Swede was even more horrified to realize, a second later, that he had one hand wrapped in the still-sleeping Norwegian’s long hair, unconsciously petting it like he sometimes did the white fur of his bed covers.

There was a loud thud as Toki hit the floor beside the sofa, shortly followed by a high velocity Deddy Bear.

“Gets de hell offs of me, dildo!”

Too late. The damage had already been done, if the fact that Murderface was using the video function on his dethphone was anything to go by. Skwisgaar cursed and heaved himself into a straighter sitting position on the couch. The leg Toki had been using as a pillow was asleep. “Damn it… what times is it?”

“Sheven thirty.” Murderface smirked, saving the video. “Thish one’sh going on youtube.”

Toki whimpered faintly from the floor, obviously disoriented from his rude awakening. “Owwie… Dat wasn’ts nice, Skwisgaar!”

“Rise and shine, princess.” Nathan grinned evilly, peering over the coffee table to make sure the younger guitarist was still with them. “We’ve got something. Something for you.”

Completely bewildered, Toki slowly sat up, mussed hair sticking out every which direction from underneath the stuffed bear that had landed on his head. “Somet’ings for me? Whats is it?” Suddenly his eyes lit up. “Is it Loki? Dids he get betters over de night? Wheres is he?”

“Uh… no. We haven’t heard anything about your wolf. We got you something else, though.”

Toki’s face fell, though he did try not to show it. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll like thish,” Murderface promised, patting the large sheet-covered object next to them. “We made it jusht for you, Toki. It wash my idea, though.”

Nathan glared. “Yeah, but I did most of the work. If you didn’t fail shop class, you should have.”

“Detailsh, detailsh.” Smugly, the bassist prepared to pull off the sheet. It was at precisely that moment that Pickles and Ofdensen skidded into the room.

Despite his lingering bad mood, Skwisgaar had to smirk at the picture their manager made. While Pickles looked as good as Pickles was able after a full night of heavy drinking, Charles looked… significantly not so good. His eyes were red. Normally perfect hair, in shambles. His tie, nowhere to be found. What seemed to have been a flat out run from the direction of the Mordhaus kitchens didn’t appear to be helping the situation.

“Toki, dood!”

Looking a bit queasy, Charles held out his phone to the bemused Norwegian. “Toki, here—you have a phone call. It’s the surgeon from the emergency vet clinic.”

Toki’s eyes opened wide as he shot to his feet, nearly tripping over Skwisgaar’s long legs trying to reach the proffered cell. “De vets-train-arians?! Why dey calls your phone and nots mine?! Is Loki okays?!”

“They called my phone because mine was the only number we gave them. Now, just talk to the doctor, Toki. He’ll answer all your questions.”

Snatching the phone, Toki took a deep breath before answering in a small voice. “H-hellos? Hows is Loki, mister animal doctors person? Will he be’s okay?”

Skwisgaar waited with bated breath. This was it. The moment of truth. Warily, he watched the younger guitarist’s tense face as he absorbed whatever the person on the other end of the line was telling him. He had a sinking feeling this could only end in another bout of Toki crying, and that was the very last thing the Swede wanted to deal with at the ass crack of dawn.

Toki did look like he was tearing up, but was managing it well as he nodded quickly in response to whatever was being said. “Ja… ja… Ofdensens said you coulds…? Ja, I understands… Is new techs-nog-logy? Ja… Dids it work?”

Everyone in the room stood dead still, eyes fixed on the figure of their rhythm. Any second now…

Suddenly Toki did begin to cry. But he was also smiling. “Reallies? Oh, wowie! I wants to come see him today! When can he comes home? Ja… okay… I lets you talk to Ofdensens now, okay? T’anks you!” With a huge grin on his face, Toki handed off the phone to Charles and turned back to the rest of the band. “Loki’s gonna be’s okay, yous guys!”

Nathan and Murderface looked positively incensed.

“What the hell?!”

“That’sh jusht great!” Fuming, Murderface ripped the sheet off their little project. “We were up all night making thish shtupid thing ‘caushe we thought the damn wolf wash gonna die! What’re we gonna do with thish aweshome taxshidermy shtand now?!”

Toki stared blankly at the gift, eyes wide. “You makes dis… sos we could put Loki on it when he…”

“When he kicked, yeah.” Nathan seemed extra surly, as if he had run out of Explosion Sauce an hour before the sun came up and kept on working only to have their efforts go unneeded. “So you could keep him around, you know. Like a memento.”

Skwisgaar curled his lip. “I t’inks it was a dis-cuss-tinks idea last nights and I t’inks it ams dis-cuss-tinks dis morning. Don’t wants no dead wolfs in here.”

Toki’s lip trembled, the tears beginning afresh. “Dat’s is so sweet of yous guys! I know what we does—we keeps de stand until Loki dies for real, and den we puts him ons it. Wowie, where dids you find so much nice branches and stuffs in de middle of de night?”

Instantly Nathan and Murderface looked pleased. Damn straight they would keep it. It was a sweet taxidermy stand, after all, and the wolf would die eventually. In close proximity to Dethklok was generally a very dangerous place to be, and they had no doubt the wolf would succumb to its mortality in the end. It just remained to be seen what would finally bump it out of existence.

The mood in the room improved dramatically after that. Ofdensen ended his conversation with the vet, informing a happily bouncing Toki that they could go and visit his pet as soon as they got cleaned up and had some breakfast (i.e., painkillers). Skwisgaar indifferently tuned his guitar and Pickles wandered away to throw up more cheerfully than usual. All was right in the Haus of Mord. That is, until everyone else dispersed.

Toki stuck around, holding Deddy Bear and sifting from foot to socked foot. He stared at Skwisgaar, still playing his guitar on the sofa. “Um… Skwisgaar…?”

The blonde sighed. “Whats does you want now, cries baby? Hurry up, go gets ready and scampers off to sees your wolf.”

“I’s going to,” Toki assured him, “in justs a second. I justs wanted to tell yous… um…” He was still shifting almost bashfully. “To says…”

Skwisgaar was getting annoyed. It was very early. He was still tired and stiff, and all he wanted at that particular moment was a nice long shower followed by a nice long nap. He didn’t have time for the younger Norwegian’s foolishness. “Spits it out, Toki, I’s not havings all day to listens to you.”

“Oh, okays.” Toki squared himself, looking for all the world like he would rush through whatever he had to say and then run along as he had been told to prepare for the vet visit. However, that wasn’t all he did. “Skwisgaar, I… thanks you. You ams such a good pal.”

With that simple statement, he surged forward and wrapped the stunned Swede in a tight bear hug. Skwisgaar sputtered uncharacteristically as he was squeezed, completely unable to find words. This manhandling by his little band mate was… this was humiliating! Not metal! Completely lacking in anything akin to brutality! Warm and strangely companionable and—! Wait. Backpedal, backpedal!

Before he could sort out the alarming jumble of thoughts, though, something even more alarming happened. Toki leaned in and kissed him. It was a very chaste kiss, as far as Skwisgaar was concerned—very gentle, no tongue whatsoever—but it was a kiss nonetheless. As such, even though it was being delivered by his very masculine band mate, the Swede was hardwired in his brain to not pull away from the warm, soft lips pressed against his. If anything, his first reaction before reason set in was to press even closer. He caught a faint taste of candy and almost lifted a hand to twine in silky brown tresses, slightly tangled from a night camping on the couch.

Then, all at once, as if nothing even remotely strange had happened, Toki let him go. Seeming entirely unaffected by the awkwardness of the forced affection, the Norwegian left Skwisgaar staring blankly after him as he trotted happily out of the room. “Sees you later, Skwisgaar! I says hello to Loki for yous!”

It took another moment for the blonde to find his tongue and scream a retort. “Waits just a minute! Don’ts you go t’inking we’s buddies and friends all of’s de suddens! We’s not! Is not like I ams caring or not’ing!”

By that time Toki was, of course, long gone. But screaming made Skwisgaar feel better anyway. The things he put up with.

- // - // - // - // -

A week and a half later, an important day arrived. The entirety of Dethklok left their regularly scheduled activities—most of them illegal—for the occasion. Toki in particular was on his toes with happiness as they entered the much anticipated veterinary clinic. The time had come for the Dethwolf to return to Mordhaus.

“So. How long is this gonna take?” Nathan glanced up from a copy of Cat Fancy to inquire. “I still want us to get a practice session in today.”

As if to answer his question, the door of the nearest exam room swung open. Toki nearly squealed with joy. There stood Loki, happily panting, resplendent in the most non-metal plastic head cone anyone had ever seen. To a man, the remainder of the band burst into howling laughter.

“Oh my Gahd, what’d ya do to him?” Pickles snickered uncontrollably, totally forgetting in his hilarity that the liquor he held was sloshing all over the floor of the waiting room. “He’s all shaved underneath!”

“He’s had extensive surgery. The fur should all grow back in a few months or so.” The surgeon who held the wolf’s leash looked exhausted, yet proud. He surrendered the lead to Toki, who immediately dropped to his knees to wrap loving arms around Loki’s shaggy neck. Much licking and squealing ensued.

“What kind of shurgery wash it?” Murderface asked unexpectedly. “We thought for shure he wash gonna kick after all that poishon.”

“I’m glad someone asked,” Ofdensen muttered, adjusting his glasses. “The cost of that procedure is certainly nothing to sniff at, even for you boys.”

“What we have done here,” the vet began proudly, “is applied no less than the most advanced medical technology ever witnessed in this or any veterinary clinic. It’s so new it hasn’t even been tested in human hospitals yet—light-years ahead of almost all other research of its kind. We flew in scientists and surgeons from all over the world in order to accomplish it.”

Nathan grinned. “So you used the wolf as a Guinea pig? Nice.”

“In a sense. Loki here had ingested enough rat poison to drop a cart horse. What we have done is replace what amounts to his entire digestive tract, from stomach to large intestine, with synthetic parts. Rubber, plastic, silicon, laboratory generated organs and tissues—”

“He is de sci-fi wolf, now!” Toki interrupted, grinning hugely. He ruffled the shaggy ears poking up out of the plastic cone. The band looked suitably impressed. “Dat is so cool!”

“Quite like that, yes. He’s now a very exceptional animal.” The doctor smiled slightly. “After the week of de-tox he’s been through to siphon out any poison that did manage to be absorbed into his body before the procedure, he should be just fine. The incisions are healing beautifully, all parts are fully functional, and I don’t foresee any immediate problems.”

Toki beamed, looking ready to take that answer at face value and put the entire recent traumatic experience behind him. “Dat’s so great! Let’s go home, den, ja? Loki, you cans stick your head out de car window.”

“Ahem.” The vet’s tone brought them up short.

“Is something the matter?” Ofdensen asked.

“Not exactly. There is, however, one small side effect of the procedure I feel you all should know about before you take Loki home.”

“What is dat?”

“His new digestive system works a little *too* well. Anything this wolf can destroy with his jaws, his body can now consume and process.”

Everyone stared blankly.

“Allow me to clarify. Mr. Wartooth, your pet is now a lean, mean digesting machine. Just as an example, he chewed the leg off my office chair this morning. And then ate it.”

As if on cue, Loki hacked and spit up a bolt. It rolled across the tile to the toe of Pickles’ sneaker. Pierced eyebrows rose. “Killer trick, dood.”

Skwisgaar groaned in dismay. “If dat t’ing eats just *one* of mine guitars, I swears to Odin I’s gonna—!”

Toki happily threw an arm around the blonde’s shoulders. “Don’ts worry, Skwisgaar. Loki won’t eats not’ing of yours, I promise! We just keeps everyt’ing up out of de ways where he can’ts reach it.”

“Ja, you says dat now, but what happens whens it—” Skwisgaar’s eyes suddenly narrowed and he jerked away from the Norwegian, dropping his guitar in his haste to back off. “And what de hell was yours arm doings around me?! Go aways, dildo!”

“I was justs going to asks you if you wants to walk Loki out…”

“No, I don’ts.” Loki was sniffing the Swede’s ankles in a friendly way, leaning heavily against his leg and wagging his tail. “I still don’ts wants to be pals wit you or yours wolf! Keeps it aways from me!”

Pickles snickered. “Hey, that’s right. Toki an’ you’ve gotten pretty friendly this past week, haven’t ya? Now ya can have Toki hangin’ on one leg an’ the wolf humpin’ the other!”

“Shuts up, Pickle!” Skwisgaar screeched. “Yous all dildos!”

The griping was apparently everyone else’s cue to wrap up the vet visit. Nathan and Charles approached the reception desk to pay the bill. The front man immediately balked, paperwork in hand. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? Are all these… are all these zeroes and commas? How much money is that?!”

Charles took a look, adjusting his glasses. “Well, Nathan, twelve zeroes in front of the period would be—”

“There’s no way I’m paying these jackoffs that much just for turning Toki’s dumb-ass animal into a freaking walking garbage disposal!”

“Yeah!” Murderface chimed in with all the obnoxious sarcasm he was famous for. “They should be paying ush for letting them do their fanschy schience exshperiment on the damn wolf! It’sh an honor to work on Dethklok’sh houshe petsh!”

Oblivious to it all, Toki tugged lightly on his furry friend’s leash. “Comes on, Loki, let’s go home! Loki?”

The wolf looked up, startled, what remained of the neck of Skwisgaar’s fallen guitar hanging out of his mouth by the strings.

“Oh, wowie…”

“TOKI, I *hates* you—!!” Bright red in the face, Skwisgaar was nearly hyperventilating.

Toki smiled cheerfully. “Aww, Skwisgaar. We hates you, too.”

- // - // - // - // -

The end.

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(2nd)AN: Sorry it took so long to finish up, everyone. Thought it had better move to the top of my list in honor of spring break. Hope you all enjoyed the ending a little, and that it wasn’t too far removed from something that could actually happen in cannon!

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Band's Best Friend