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The Invader's Cookbook	By : FoxDragonKris Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2788 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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*Bangs head on keyboard* This chapter was a bitch to write... well, not the whole chapter... just the beginning part. Because the professor is inherently repetitive and strange and just like with GIR I know when I'm not quite getting him right, but it’s harder to figure out what I should do to MAKE it right. So I focused on Dib's p.o.v. more here since he allowed greater insight to the interaction than Zim would.

Schrödinger’s Sanity

Section 1 - The Invader's Cookbook

Chapter 4

It was a strange feeling to stand on the sidewalk in front of the house you grew up in and realize that you were afraid of it, Dib thought. Although it wasn’t the house he was afraid of as much as who dwelt within and what his standing here symbolized. His musing was cut short however when his companion, Zim, strode right past him and up to the door; banging the knocker loudly and Dib had to step up beside him or be seen hesitating to enter the building.

His feet had barely settled on the concrete step when the door swung inward and his father, the great Professor Membrain was standing there arms raised dramatically. "YOU'RE HERE!!" He sounded so genuinely amazed that Dib wanted to be sick but instead he just meekly followed as Zim returned the greeting and stepped across the threshold.

The Professor shepherded them in to the entry way but if he was smiling it was impossible to tell behind that high collar. That coat always made him look so imposing. Dib hated that coat.

"Come in, come in, my son and his DELIGHTFUL friend!"

Dib grit his teeth at the tone.

"No no no no, I'm his friendly friend." Zim pointed out, looking around curiously. He had been in Dib's house before but that had been years ago, things had changed and back then he hadn’t been as concerned with decor as he had with tormenting Dib. There were no pictures of Gaz or her brother he noticed, only clipping and press shots of the Professor's achievements.

They were led then to sit in the living room as the professor explained that dinner wasn’t done yet. Dib was amazed to find that toast was apparently not going to be the main course tonight, but rather there would be a roast, salad, and potatoes. He wondered what had sparked the inspiration to provide actual food, and who had done the cooking. Probably some poor lab tech that hoped it would help get some attention. It wouldn’t of course, but they rarely realized that.

Sitting in the living room was tense for a few long moments until the Professor broke the silence with a question. A question to Zim Dib noticed.

"So! How did you meet my Son?" He emphasised the word son, but thankfully did not shout it.

"Oh we went to school together; I'm surprised you don’t remember..."

"Ahh, I see! And so you two have been friends ever since! The joyous bonds of childhood that withstand the hardships of time and the changes of growing up! I'm surprised however; I didn’t know Deb had any friends..."

Dib's eyebrow twitched when his own father couldn’t even get his NAME right....

Zim hesitated only a second before he responded; he didn’t call attention to the slip up but Dib noticed he did put an obvious stress on his name. "Well, Dib and I didn’t always agree of course, but we have overcome our... differences and find ourselves quite... charmed by our mutual past."

He grinned and something about it made Dib shiver. "In fact... you could even say that we have become quite like... partners." Dib was suddenly thankful that he hadn’t been drinking anything because he was sure that if he had he would’ve choked on it and died right then. As it was he just made a very awkward coughing sound.

His father barely even glanced at him. "I see... so are you interested in ... SCIENCE?"

"Oh yes... it’s quite a fascinating subject I think"

"Yes! Yes it is, and it’s taken me many years but as you certainly know I have finally managed to peak my son's interest in its subtle mysteries, you know he used to be quite insane. Always chasing after ghosts and pirates... But enough of that, what sort of credentials do you have? You know I'm always looking for new bright minds to help explore the unknowns of this FASCINATING world!"

Wow... this was a whole new level of uncomfortable... "Dad he's really not that interested in-" But Zim cut him off, not that he was being listened to anyways.

"Well, I'm mostly interested in the area of technologies, but I don't need a job, in fact I've been working quite closely with Dib for some time now."

"Really? ... Ahh yes, He works in the TOP SECRET underground labs doesn’t he? I didn’t know he had people working with him!"

Dib's face burned, his father had assigned a team of 8 brilliant scientists to work under him all top experts in their fields, barely two months ago. He had forgotten already?

"Ahh. Yes, he asked me for some input on a few things several weeks ago and since then I've been working with him on several projects."

"Ahhh yes... and how is that going?"

Amazing how unnoticed it made one feel to be the topic of discussion when in the room but still be completely ignored...

"Well... there is often a bit of... push and shove but we always seem to ... come together in the end..."

On second thought maybe being unnoticed wasn’t so bad really...

"Ah yes... I think I've had colleges JUST like that before!"

It was like a dinner party organized by the marines, a definite shock and awe campaign. Really, if he lived through this he was going to kill something.

"Hmm, I'm sure you have. He really can be quite a pain in the... rear some days but we always seem to find a way to make things ... work."

Something like himself most likely.

"Yes yes, I remember those days MYSELF!"

"Yes... these are the times that we look back on fondly aren’t they?"

This had to be some secret alien torture technique... "Hey dad, when's dinner?"

"Sh sh sh.. Not now son... your friend and I are TALKING!" He barely glanced at Dib. "Yes, those times are quite amazing!"

"He can be quite impatient can't he? Now... I think you mentioned wanting to talk about something tonight, it was why you called as I remember..."

"Ahh yes! Dif! The cleaning crew found a strange substance in your lab! It was under one of the tables and there were claw marks on the table! You aren’t doing more of those CRAZY paranormal investigations experiments using MY LAB space again are you? We talked about this!"

Yes, being unnoticed was definitely preferable at times.. "Ah. No I... don’t know what that could be or... how it got there.... Claw marks you said? Maybe one of the... techs brought an animal in... "He scrambled for an answer.

"Hmmm..." Professor Membrain rubbed his chin through the collar of the coat. "The marks are a bit large for an animal but it certainly possible... I shall have the technicians questioned most thoroughly! A laboratory is NO place for PETS!"

Dib swallowed and nodded. "Oh I fully agree."

"That doesn’t explain the origin of the substance however! A most peculiar matter it is as well! It contains NO water despite being clearly a FLUID! And all of our tests indicate that it is some form of biological matter yet it matches no such thing ever found ANYWHERE on EARTH! I'm sure you will be MOST interested in it, I want a full report in a WEEK!"

Dib nearly chocked again, staring at his dad while trying to ignore Zim whose attempts to stifle his snickers were less than successful. "Re-report? A week?"

“Yes! I am making this substance your new PROJECT! You shall study it in great DETAIL and tell me EVERYTHING! Aren’t you EXCITED! In fact I’m sure your FRIEND can help you with this, wont that be EXHILIRATING!?"

Zim almost fell off the couch trying not to laugh so hard.

Dib almost became sick right then and there.

The chime on the oven dinged.

"Ah! Dinner is READY!" The professor jumped off the couch and headed into the kitchen.

Dib turned to glare at Zim who was laughing fully now, holding his ribs as he tried to not be too loud. "W-want...ha ha a-… another... s-s-s-sample?"

Dib stared, mouth gaping open in sheer horror as Zim just laughed harder. This was just too good, he couldn’t resist pointing at the human's open mouth and asking him "So is that where you want your next sample?" as he teasingly tugged at the zipper of his pants.

Dibs cheeks burned and he gagged, the thought that his dad was right in the next room both sickening and horrifying, and the smell of food that was coming into the room didn’t help either. It was almost enough to goad him into an attempt to silence the alien right then and there, forgetting for just a moment that the other was supposedly carrying his child. But then he remembered which led to remembering how that had come to be... and he buried his face in his hands, fighting the rising nausea.

The mirth must've finally gone from the situation because he could hear Zim's laughter ease and then small warm hands were rubbing the back of his neck in soothing circles. He leaned back against Zim, vowing to never let the alien be in a room alone with his father... and to avoid letting the alien be in a room with his father when not alone as well... in fact he would very much like to prevent the two of them from having any further contact with each other at all after this evening.

"Alright boys, come and EAT!" The Professor’s voice echoed into the room from the combined kitchen and dining area and Dib felt Zim tense when it did. He wondered at the reaction for a moment as he pushed himself to his feet, but when he offered the alien a hand up it was accepted easily without argument and his face was calm and schooled. Dib decided he must have imagined it and pushed the thought to the back of his mind, leading the way to the table.

He blanched a bit as he stepped into the room, the three settings each had a glass of sparkling water and suddenly the thought reminded him of Zim's inability to touch meat and the panic rose in him again... how would they explain this? His mind rushed but Zim looked calm as he took his seat.

The professor offered him a cut of the roast and Dib was certain his face was white but Zim just smiled politely and told their host "I'm sorry, but no thank you, I'm a vegetarian." and the professor laughed and dropped the meat on Dib's plate instead.

"You should eat some meat boy! If you don’t you might turn green!"

For his credit Zim seemed to take the jibe in stride and just piled some salad on his plate, along with a scoop of the potatoes. "Yes, perhaps. But I do not think happy thoughts of the senseless killing of stupid animals"

"Ah... but humans are the top of the food chain! No matter, I hope you don’t mind that I do."

Zim shrugged and took a bite of the salad, wincing a bit as he discovered too late that the leaves had been recently washed, and were still wet... stupid earth water, impure and full of burning acids and trace metals...

Dibs felt his stomach knot when he saw the wince... of course the lettuce was wet... shit he had to do something. He clenched his fists and Zim forced a smile as raised another bite of the salad to his mouth. They both knew that he couldn’t just stop eating. At least not without a reason, and how do you explain an allergy to water?

He would have to do something and so he did the first thing that popped into his head, standing quickly from the table he clapped a hand over his mouth and ran for the bathroom. The suddenness was enough of a shock that it took Zim several seconds to rise and follow, and the professor even longer. He was leaning against the toilet, which was still refilling from being flushed by the time that either arrived and Zim was quick to drop to his knee's behind him, rubbing his back in comfort. Dib wondered vaguely if he even realized that right now at least he was faking it.

"He was sick earlier today... we probably shouldn’t have come." Zim told the professor by way of explanation.

The professor nodded. "It’s too far to walk to your apartment; I shall have one of my assistant’s drive you HOME!"

Dib nearly gaped at the offer, concern? From his father? It was... unheard of really. He wondered if it was because Zim was there.

"Thank you professor, I shall accompany him, make sure he's alright." Dib leaned against Zim; the other was surprisingly caring recently. He wasn’t sure what to make of it really.

"Oh, I'm sure that’s not necessary!"

Yea... that sounded a lot more like his father.

"Oh no, its no bother really, I was planning on going back with him after dinner anyways, I ... left some papers there and need to retrieve them!"

"Of course, of course! Well in that case you must go! I shall go call my ASSISTANT!" The professor disappeared from view, presumably going to find a phone, or floating screen or whatever he was planning to use to call the hapless assistant.

With a sigh Zim pulled Dib's arm over his shoulder to help the other up and glanced at him when Dib stood without aid. He smiled at the other. "I'm not really sick... I just... needed an excuse for us to leave... so you wouldn’t have to eat the wet salad..."

Zim stared at him for a moment then stepped forward and kissed him, quickly but deeply and murmured against his mouth. "Dibber... you're so... thank you."

Their moment ended when heavy footsteps approached from down the hall and reluctantly they parted, Zim Shrugging Dibs arm back over his shoulder to 'help' him to the door.

The professor barely glanced at them as they stepped out of the bathroom; he was on his way to the
room Dib knew was his 'at-home' lab. "My assistant will be here shortly to drive you HOME!" and then he was gone, the door to the lab closing behind him. Dib sighed and took his arm off of Zim's shoulder.

"You don't really need to come back with me..." He trailed off. Leaving the option open for the other, not wanting to seem overly... attached.

Zim looked at him for a moment, as if considering the offer. "Do you not wish for Zim to... accompany you?" he asked, hesitating slightly.

Dib wasn’t certain what to make of the hesitation and nervously rubbed the back of his head. "I uh… no I would be fine with you coming back with me I just... didn’t want you to feel like you had to... that’s all."

Zim smiled slightly. "No Dib beast... you're sick... you shouldn’t be alone..."

"Zim, I'm not really-" Zim cut him off with another deep kiss and Dib realized he was being an idiot so he shut up and rested his hands on Zim's slim hips, kissing him back.

They parted after a while and together left the house to wait on the porch for the anonymous assistant who showed up some time later and was clearly disappointed that the professor was nowhere to be seen.

The ride back to the apartment was too long for Dib's taste, the assistant kept mentioning her name (Martha Stevens) and asking about the professor and talking about the projects she was working on, had worked on, had heard about, had been near, had been in the same building of, and in general having absolutely no shame as she tried her best to be remember-able and hopefully be mentioned to the great Professor Membrain. Dib decided to recommend her for reassignment to some small foreign R&D project far, far away.

The door of his apartment was a welcome sight after the long evening and after closing all the locks he dropped onto the couch with a tired sigh, patting the cushion next to him for Zim who sat as well.

Slipping off his shoes Zim walked over to the couch and sat down, twisting to lean against Dib, and almost laying on his lap. "That went... well..."

"No kidding… how's your mouth?"

Zim sighed; there was no point in trying to deny it. "It hurts... the skin will heal soon but its not very... comfortable."

Nodding Dib slipped an arm around his waist, pulling his body closer and leaning their heads together. "I'm in charge of the sample now... I can make sure that... Nobody knows what it really is." He would prefer to not know what it was himself, not because of what it was, but because the thought of that being handled by his father or... random lab technicians was... very, very disturbing.

Zim nodded and pulled back a bit, prompting a curious look from Dib that changed to understanding when he pulled off his wig and out the contacts, rubbing his eyes. The special makeup he would clean off later no doubt but the disguise must have been getting uncomfortable. When he was done divesting himself of the accoutrements he leaned back against Dib.

Dib looked at him as he remembered something that he hadn’t realized he had forgotten. "Zim... You said earlier today that... your tallest made you shorter and... different... how?"

Zim tensed slightly, he had hoped that the other wouldn’t think of that, he had hoped the other had forgotten.

"It's a process called... regression. It's not very... comfortable... it’s a punishment. A very... severe one."

"A punishment? What happened? Why were you punished?"

He sighed again. "It wasn’t my fault... I was in charge of the posting so I was blamed. It was a group infiltration of a small world, one of the invaders wasn’t very skilled, he gave us away and we were all captured... tortured... By the time the armada came there were less that half our number remaining." He wasn’t telling everything, Dib could tell. But he decided that some things... he could trust Zim's judgment on wither or not he needed to know.

Softly he kissed the base of the alien's antennae. "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you were punished for something like that. I won’t let anything hurt you."

The words were comforting, even though both of them knew that Dib couldn’t protect him from anything... that Dib couldn’t even protect him as well as he could protect himself. But they were still comforting all the same.

Standing, Dib offered the other his hand. "Come on Zim... lets go to bed... I don’t know about you but, I'm pretty tired. It's been a long day."

Accepting the offer Zim stood as well, nodding. Together they started to prepare themselves for the night, Dib taking a quick shower and brushing his teeth while Zim used a towel and some clear fluid from a bottle in his pack to clean away the remains of his disguise and they settled into the bed, Zim curling against Dib's chest as Dib wrapped an arm around his waist. Amazed at how quickly his life had changed so much, but not regretting a single moment.

Except maybe not cleaning up the lab a bit better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Author’s Notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OMG! Another chapter with no prons! XD

Due to a sudden CPU fan death, my personal computer has been DOA for the last week. I was able to retrieve my files for S.S. before its last gasping moments, but only the finished stuff. Basically that means that my finished chapter buffer died today with the posting of chapter 4, IE; I don’t have chapter 5 done yet and I can't work on it until I get my computer running again because my logs were too big to fit on the flash drive and right now my computer is midway through an upgrade and therefore is in fact a pile of computer-guts on my desk.

HOWEVER! As a special Christmas treat and mini chapter will be posted out of order ON MY DEVIANT ART account. It won’t be here. Sorry, it will show up here when I get to that point of the storyline but until then it will only be available on my dA page. Which is http://kitsune-ryu.deviantart.com/ the chapter should be up on Christmas day, my Christmas present to my readers (all two of you! ^_^ )

BotofBlood – Heh, if I got on your case about reviewing I would be a HUGE hypocrite. Any author that has been talented enough to inspire a review from me (which is incredibly rare given how much fanfiction I actually read) would be able to tell you that I am a master of page long reviews. Literally a page long... or more sometimes. Besides, I am a consummate writer (and a scientist) and constructive criticism is always welcome. Its fun to get a ton of reviews that are all – “OMG I luff your story! Write more!” But realistically that kind of review is just as literarily useful as “OMG you SUX! ZADR DIE!”

Not saying I wouldn’t love a flood of reviews saying that people like my story, but saying something like- ‘there are some spelling errors’ is great because I didn’t realize they were there! Now I’m taking more time to read through each chapter before and as I post them and challenging myself to really look at what I’m writing because clearly the person I had spell checking the chapters, and the person I had beta read those chapters, didn’t do a good enough job. (No dis on them, they just missed stuff. It happens but it is annoying because I trusted them in their claims that the chapters were clean and ready to go up.) And yes, I can imagine that beginning writers don’t understand constructive criticism. Many of the beginning writers you find nowadays are I their early teens and I can remember when fanfiction archives like AFF.net and FF.net didn’t exist, and you had to convince webmasters that your stories were good enough for their sites. Anyone can post anything now though, and there are few to no standards for quality. Which is both good and bad I think.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on long enough, thank you again for taking the time to read, enjoy and critique my words. When I decided to post this in a public area I in doing so made the personal decision that if anyone was willing to take the time to actually make a valid and constructive comment on my story, then the least I could do would be to equally take the time to respond and at least thank them.
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The Invader's Cookbook