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Syndrome	By : Aureawolf Category: +S through Z > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 7801 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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One of the weird things about living underground is that you never really know what time is it. There’s no light, especially not in my room.

Damn. It must be morning. I flip over in my hammock and fling my arm to the side. I can feel my fingers graze against the floor. Feels kinda gross. Sticky for some reason. Maybe I should clean sometime soon.

The rocking of my hammock is almost soothing enough to make me want to go back to sleep. But it’s too late and I’m awake for the day now. Can’t just dig myself under my blanket and hope that I never have to face the others. Much as I might want to.

“Hey Raph, Splinter says its time to get up!” Mikey yells through the door as he knocks loudly on it.

“Go away!” I try to shout, but just end up yelling into my pillow. The muffled yell seems to be enough to satisfy my brother for the moment.

Shit. I don’t wanna go out there.

The thought of pulling my blanket up over my head and refusing to leave my hammock is so very tempting. My door clicks open and I let out an irritated sigh.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m up, Mikey.”

He steps into the dim room and shuts the door behind him, very softly. Obviously he’s not too keen on letting anyone know he’s in here. His eyes shift around the room nervously from within his orange bandanna.

Seeming to come to a decision he finally meets my eyes, and there’s a strong resolve in them I don’t usually see within Mike’s. Leo it looks normal on. But not our little brother.

Leo. Damn.

“Listen Raph…I just wanted to talk to you, you know, before we got training,” He says as he approaches, slow and careful like.

“You mean before we’re around the others.”

It’s not a question, but Mikey nods an enthusiastic ‘yes’ motion anyway. I sigh again and stand up from my hammock, feeling part of my foot is still asleep. I shake it around, feeling pins and needles crawl along my skin.

Worst part about hammocks is that body parts are always fallin asleep. I see Mikey’s shadow as he comes to stand right in front of me and the back of my neck prickles. It’s almost like he wants to start a fight.

“Raph…” His voice is too soft. Too unsure. Not like Mikey at all. “Why’d you have to start all of this, man? It’s too weird.”

If it weren’t for the fact that this is Mikey talkin to me now, he’d probably be on the floor nursing a fat lip. Instead I just clench my fists and stand up, hovering my few inches over my brother. He stands up to me, which makes me proud of course, and furious all at the same time.

“So somehow this is all my fault?” I growl and can feel my dull fingernails pressing against my palm. If I squeeze my hand any more I’ll make myself bleed.

“Dude…yeah. You hurt Don and now Leo’s so pissed he’s running us all ragged,” He pokes me in the chest and my growl seems to go unnoticed. I hate when my threats are ignored.

“I apologized alright! What the hell else do you expect me to do? If Leo’s gonna keep being a stubborn asshole about this than that’s his decision!”

And here we go. A staring contest has begun. This always happens with me and Mikey. And he doesn’t look like he’s gonna back down any time soon.

“Fix it,” Mikey says as he pokes me in the chest again. Then he turns around and leaves my room. That’s all I needed to start off my day. My littlest brother lecturing me on how to treat the rest of our siblings.

God, I really screwed this all up.

Mike’s right.

I grab my bandanna from where it hangs on the side of the bed and press it snug against my face. Tying the string in the back used to be so tough. Now it just seems natural.

Right. Ready to go. Gotta leave my room eventually.

The door is right in front of me. It’s not that tough. I can take this door. It’s already kinda open. There’s half the battle right there.

I hear the sound of Donny’s voice. Laughing. And Mikey and Leo joining in too.

You know, just cause a door’s open doesn’t mean you have to walk through it.

“Raphael!”

My father’s voice cuts through my indecision and I walk out, trying to settle my frazzled nerves and appear calm and collected all at once. I look downstairs and see my family sitting around the table. With a short leap I land near them. Nice thing about being a ninja, you never need to take the stairs. Sensei is sitting at the head of the table, which has fallen silent since I walked out.

Fan-freakin-tastic.

“Raphael, you have made us wait for you at breakfast for three days now…” Father stands up and brushes his hand across my forehead, feeling for a fever. I pull away slowly, not to insult my father, but just so that I can sit down.

The three sets of banded eyes aren’t exactly welcoming.

“Now my sons, I know that there is something that is bothering you all. It does not take a ninja master to see it in your faces.”

I see Donny and the others hang their heads out of the corner of my eye. I’m hanging mine too of course. I can’t look Splinter in the eyes, not now. Like Mikey said, I’m the cause of all this.

“Which of you is prepared to tell me what’s going on?” His voice is still soft, not commanding and angry. Yet.

“Everything is fine Master Splinter,” Leo says, with a curt and quiet voice. We all know he’s lying. Master Splinter included. The fact that Leo would lie is a sign for our father to back off.

With a heavy sigh he stands by the table and takes his walking staff in hand, leaving the kitchen.

“Until you four work out your problems, or decide to reveal them to me, you are all grounded.”

The torrent of confused and angry retorts is ceased as soon as Splinter turns around, his eyes harsher than usual. We all shut up, our indignant cries echoing out of the lair, leaving us to fend for ourselves in the small confines of our home.

The kitchen remains in silence until Splinter slides his door closed. I hear the nervous scuffling of a foot under the table and have to assume its Mikey’s.

Shit. This is awkward. My brothers all look straight at me. Why don’t they just point out their fingers and yell “he did it!”? It’d save them all this glaring time.

“Well,” Donny starts to say something, but I stand up. My chair screeches from the force that I’ve pushed it away from the table. I head for the stairs, but it’s my older brother’s voice that makes me pause.

“Raphael. Sit back down.”

“Oh, I see how it is, oh fearless one. You give me the silent treatment till Splinter says ya gotta talk to me. Well, sucks for you, I’m outta here,” I turn and head up the stairs, barely hearing the sounds of one of my brothers following me.

“Wait up Raph!” Mikey yells as he chases me up the stairs and into my room. I could slam the door right now in his face. But it’s Mikey. I can’t do that.

He stands there in my doorway, holding the door open.

“Go away Mikey.”

“Come on man. We have to figure this out. Unless you wanna be stuck here until Splinter lets us out?” He’s got that kicked puppy expression. I hate the damn thing. It’s the only thing that can really work with me.

Stupid little brothers.

“Why are you talking to me anyway? Leo’s the one with the stick up his ass. He stopped talking to me, not the other way around,” I resist the overwhelming urge to pout. I am Raphael. Raphael does not pout.

Even when the turtle he thought he may have possibly been in love with is giving him the silent treatment for the fourth day straight. Although if I was to pout, I think this’d be the one time it could be okay.

“Look Raph, I’m trying to be nice about this. I could just sit around out there with Don and Leo and leave you on your own. You do realize that as of now everybody hates you, right?”

Uh, yeah Mikey, I kinda got that feeling. But thanks for spelling it out for me.

“I don’t see why everyone’s makin such a big deal outta this,” I grumble, pacing back and forth in front of my hammock. Standing still right now just ain’t an option. Too much energy. Angry energy, but it’s still enough to keep me from staying in the same place for more than a minute.

“How can you say that?” His voice is harsher and sadder than I’m used to. It actually manages to get me to pause in my pacing.

Just for a second. He continues on though.

“Ever since this all started, our family just isn’t the same. Everything’s different. No one is happy with each other. You can’t pretend you haven’t noticed the weirdness dude,” He says and reaches a hand out, slowly and carefully. When he claps it down on my shoulder though, I feel myself relax. Whether I want to or not.

Being on my guard around Mikey just doesn’t feel natural.

All this pacing catches up to me in a rush and I feel exhausted. I sit down in my hammock…well, I really more plop myself down in my hammock. Either way, I’m sitting, and Mikey sits next to me, keeping that hand just barely on my shoulder. No pressure.

“I screwed up bigger than usual this time, didn’t I?” God I hate my voice. It’s all small and choked. It’s not very Raph-like. I need to sound tough. ‘Specially for Mikey.

“I’d say you did,” A new voice intrudes from the door, which was left open and had only closed as much as it had under its own force. Just kinda drifted there, leaving Donny half covered as he just stood, looking oddly relaxed.

Hm…guess that burning in my gut is guilt over seeing Don. I don’t say anything to give him permission to come in, just nod at him, barely moving my head. But he gets the idea and comes in to join the party, walking over and sitting on my other side.

“Why do I feel like this is an intervention?” I say with a small chuckle as I look from a purple banded little brother to an orange one.

At least they’re both still smiling. Even if it’s a sad, kind of reserved smile.

“Maybe this is an intervention, Raph. We want things to be how they used to…” Don kinda trails off, looking off towards my suddenly interesting floor. I wonder if he noticed how sticky it is. Maybe I can ask him later to help me mop up the place.

“What Donny means to say is, you were the reason this all got screwed up,” I glare at Mikey, but he puts up a hand and I hold back my angry retort, “But despite that, we wanna help you. We want everyone happy again. Right bro?”

I look to Don who nods and places a hand on my shoulder. For whatever reason, I feel like Donatello is the most at peace out of all of us right now.

“I understand why you did it Raph. Heck, we all know you’ve been obsessed with Leo since we were kids,” He smiles, and this time it’s just a little bit less sad.

Course I feel like crap now. But at least my brother sees some kinda amusement in all this.

“I still don’t understand…” Mikey grumbles.

“Mikey, I told you-“ Don begins but I cut him off.

“Fine Mike. You don’t understand why I did it? Fine by me. You got a better solution? Huh? Would you have liked me to stay with Don even…” I stop talking. Damn. I’ve already said too much. How does Mikey always know how to push me into doing things?

It’s silent for a second. My two interveners seem struck by my outburst. We’ve known nothing but each other almost our whole lives. How can they still be surprised that I can’t keep my trap shut about stuff?

“Even though you really love Leo?” Don says quietly, leaning over to get a better look at me. I look away, and find myself facing an even closer Michelangelo.

“Gah…” I pull back and my brothers flinch too. But there’s something in their expressions now. Pity? Gimme a break. Ah well, let them pity who they want. Doesn’t make a difference to me.

“Wow Raph. Didn’t think you’d ever be so…sappy.”

Mikey ducks my usual slap to the back of his head. I’d try again, but that exhaustion from earlier is back. Even though I just woke up.

“I sort of got the feeling that was the reason you left. But just so you know, I don’t mind,” Don says. I look up at him with a hardly believing look. He just chuckles. “Oh come on Raph. You and I can barely stand hanging out together for more than a few hours. Do you honestly think we could have had a normal relationship?”

“Oh yeah, and me and Leo are bff’s,” I say in my best valley girl impersonation. Mikey giggles next to me, and it may be that tiny little passing gesture that really makes me feel better.

“Well dude, they do say opposites attract? Plus you always choose each other to go out patrolling with, and team up with each other the most when we go into fights.”

Oh God. Something must be wrong with me. Mikey is actually making sense.

There’s a quiet minute where we all seem to be content. Mikey has made a point. Don has forgiven me. And me? Well…I’m no longer hated by two of my brothers.

Just that damn third one to deal with. Apparently what I did isn’t enough to be angry over for too long, since Don, the one I frickin dumped for no reason has already forgiven me.

Mikey jumps off the hammock when I slam my fist into the wall behind us. Don just leans away a bit, not as jumpy as our youngest brother.

“Geez Raph. The poor wall. It was an innocent. I mean…unless you lied to it too. Didja lie to the wall Raph?” My youngest brother rambles almost incoherently. Don just shushes him and he listens.

Like me and Leo. Now that he’s pointed it out, I realize that Don and Mike have always been together. Even when we were little, and all spent our time together, if we played a game those two were a team. Guess it’s just natural to fragment ourselves.

“Well. Good to know we’ve at least got some things cleared up, right?” Don stands up and walks in front of me, him and Mikey standing barely a hair’s breadth away from touching each other. “Now all you need to do is talk to Leo.”

“Hmph. That’s gonna be a bit tough, in case you haven’t noticed, since old fearless leader has been givin me the silent treatment for a few days now,” I snort angrily, giving the wall another quick slam.

We all sit in silence, thinking. I know I’m thinking about how pissed I am at Leo. First I have Donny and everything’s fine. Not perfect, but good.

Then Leonardo has to come back and screw everything up. So then I have Leo, but I’ve pissed off Don.

Okay, granted, I could have dealt with leaving Donatello better than I did. Right. That’s my fault. But still, if Leo had never left in the first place, I wouldn’t have been with Don to end up hurting him.

“Well, I guess we could go try and convince him to come up here and talk to you? Since we’re grounded anyway, not like he’s got anywhere else to go.”

“Guess that’s the only logical way of doing this. Well Raph, what do you think about Mike’s plan?” Don looks to be smiling again. Only, not as reserved as before. And he’s definitely not looking at me. His eyes are doing that weird corner thingy towards Mike.

Hm.

“You two are the ones runnin this intervention. Do I even have a choice?”

“No,” The two chorused at once. Right. That’s what I thought.

“Okay, go get him then. Let’s get this over with already. Either we’ll make up or one of us will end up the other’s pin cushion for the night.”

The two trade worried glances, but I doubt they really think me and Leo will come to blows. Not again. Not after what happened the last time on the roof.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fight Leo at full strength ever again after that. Not after seeing that look in his eyes when I beat him.

Maybe everything that’s happened since then was just because of my guilt. Almost kill my brother, then make it up by screwin his brains out every chance I get. Yeah. That sounds about right.

And let him screw my brains out a few times too. If I’m honest with myself, I can’t say it was a bad thing letting him be the leader a few times. Actually follow orders for once.

I realize I had zoned out and am sitting on my hammock all alone in my room now. It’s still early, but it feels dark and foreboding in my room. Must be in my head.

Sitting still just ain’t gonna cut it right now so I stand up and start pacing. There’s this incessant gnawing in my gut, the anxiousness of what’s to come. I just wish it were over. Whether it ends with me and Leo all happy, and most likely hot and bothered, or beaten black and blue.

It’s the getting past it part I’m worried about. I’m not that great at talking my way through things. Botching it up is really more my specialty.

That odd feeling of wanting to just huddle down and hyperventilate comes over me. I guess it might be a panic attack. I don’t know, cause I never let myself get to that point. Spinning around I land a kick to the thick bamboo post that holds up one half of my hammock.

The swift shock of skin and the sting that follows brings me that tranquility I so desperately needed.

Had I not heard footsteps coming down the hall to my room I would have done more to the innocent hammock pole. Instead I just kinda stand here for a minute. The steps stop outside my door, and he knocks rather harshly.

Obviously Leo didn’t realize the door wasn’t fully closed as it swings open and leaves his hand knocking in midair. Way to go big bro.

“Hey-“ I start to say, but Leo can’t even let me get out so much as a civil hello.

“Look, Don and Mikey forced me to come up here, so let’s get this over with.”

I don’t know if I’ve ever heard that particular snarl in Leonardo’s voice. Ever. He’s really pissed more than I would have expected.

“They wouldn’t have had to force ya if you’d have stopped being a baby about this.”

Oh great. That probably wasn’t a great plan. Way to go Raphael, you’ve done it again.

Leo just glares at me. Those eyes can be really intense when he’s in a bad mood. Being his punching bag and vice versa for so many years has taught me things like that.

“You know Raph…” He just stops. His voice doesn’t choke up or anything, not an emotion leaking out. He just looks fed up with me.

“Do you really think giving me the silent treatment is going to solve this?” As I ask him, he slowly comes inside and shuts the door behind him. The room goes even darker, with just a lamp in the corner giving off a half assed glow to give us light to see by.

“Do you think dumping Donatello just to have sex with me was going to solve anything?”

Okay…that was harsh. For coming from Leonardo, that is.

“Look Leo, we can keep doing this back and forth for the rest of the day. But it’s not gonna get us anywhere. I’m sorry. There. You happy? I tried to apologize the other day, but you slammed a friggin door in my face, remember?”

He sighs heavily at that. This could be a long day.

“Thanks for the apology,” He practically sneers. Oh yeah, real convincing. No Oscar for you.

“Come on Leo. What the hell do you want me to do? Want me to beg for your forgiveness, cause that ain’t gonna happen,” I snarl and step up to him, poking him hard in the plastron with each word.

He grabs my wrist and I let him. I know him. My brother loves being the leader. Fine, if it gets us past this faster than I’ll let him lead.

“You can’t just say you’re sorry and expect things to go back to normal. You broke our family apart. I can’t forgive you that quickly. You hurt Don,” He barely whispers, his grip on my wrist keeping us closer than before.

I fight the feeling of tingling across the top of my beak. I’m not sad. I won’t cry.

I didn’t mean to hurt him.

“It wasn’t intentional. And plus, I would have hurt him more if I’d kept on pretending.”

Leo lets go of me and relaxes a bit. He’s been strung tight since he walked in here. I can’t even imagine what poor Mike and Don had to go through to get him up here.

And they didn’t even have to drag him up here themselves. They’re better than I give them credit for.

“If you were pretending the whole time why did you go to him in the first place? And why not just tell him, and me, when I got back. You could have made it all so much easier,” He reaches up and gives me a gentle push on the shoulder. It’s a peace offering. Or as much as I’m probably gonna get out of him.

“Hell, when do I ever know why I do what I do? I was confused. I guess…I guess I just missed you a lot, alright? I was looking for something to take my mind off of you leaving me—us,” I try to catch myself but I’m not fast enough.

I see the flicker in Leo’s big brown eyes, even in the dim light. He catches my slip up too. It’s amazing that even after all we’ve been through together, after knowing every inch of each other and hearing every embarrassing moan and grunt, letting that bit of info slip makes me blush and forces me to look away from my older brother.

“Still…it can’t have been worth it to do that to Donny. He’s our brother. You don’t do that to family.”

I regain my calm and cool attitude.

Alright, maybe not calm and cool. But I get back to my usual self. Confident. There we go. That’s what I am. All confidence here.

“What don’t you do? Betray, or have sex with? Cause either way, Leo, I’d hate to tell you, but we’re pretty much screwed on both counts,” My voice hisses out as I lean closer. He looks a bit offended, more so by the fact that what I said was true than any other reason.

“Look Raphael, I just can’t believe you would do that to Don. If you had any sort of concern for the feelings of others, especially your own brother, you wouldn’t have done what you did. Whether I was here or not. Don’t blame me because you couldn’t keep your libido under control.”

I snarl and don’t quite know what to say to that. I mean, sure, it may have just been about sex the first few times. But then it almost felt like me and Donny finally had some common ground. Something that kept us together. Something that was just ours, something to call our own in a house of four brothers. Not an easy thing to get.

“I don’t know why I did it, alright Leo. But you know what, me and Donny already worked this out. It’s all water under the bridge. He didn’t love me and I didn’t love him. We were just,” I pause and contemplate my next word. “Convenient.”

Leo’s eyes harden and he shakes his head just a little each way. Right. That was not the correct word.

“You know what I mean. We were there for each other. It’s not like we four have anyone else to go to. That was all I meant,” I stutter out quickly. Somehow I get the feeling that I’m digging myself deeper.

“And me? Am I just more convenient than Donny?” He says, but that harshness is gone from his voice. Maybe all this talking is finally getting through to him.

God I hope it is.

“I.”

And that’s it. That’s all I can get out. It was a lot easier to accept that I was in love with Leo when someone else had to say it.

“I want to trust you Raph. I really do,” He reaches out and pulls me close to him. Our foreheads touch, cool and soft and broken by the harsh edges of our bandanas. His eyes seem so very deep this close. All those colors and that endless emotion within.

Leo’s eyes are like looking into his very source of life. He may be able to conceal his emotions pretty well, but he can’t hide that he’s got this passion inside him. He lives so fiercely, no regrets, no mistakes. All out and no holds barred.

“Then trust me…” I whisper as I lean in and brush my lips against the corner of his mouth, trailing up to his cheek before just letting my head rest there, leaning softly against his.

“You lied.”

I brush my hand up his side, pressing my fingers between where his plastron and his shell almost meet, the skin there soft and sensitive. He draws his body up tighter than before, loosing that relaxed stance.

“You’ve lied before too…” His arms loosely wrap themselves around my shoulders for a second, before pulling me away again.

I’m about to protest angrily to the separation before he leans his head to mine again. Those eyes silence me better than his mouth ever could.

“How can you be sure things won’t change? What if we end up like you and Don?”

Leo’s voice is soft and breathy. I can feel it on my mouth and it’s as distracting as it is calming.

“If they do change, we’ll deal. And me and Don…we’re brothers. Same as always. We fight, we get along, we fight again. Hell, its business as usual in this family.”

Leo smirks a bit and chuckles, his hands finding the edges of my shell and pulling my body closer as he angles his neck back.

He leans in and gives me a soft short kiss. Little more than our lips pressed together. But considering that when I woke up my big bro wasn’t even talking to me this is a great improvement.

I grip his face strongly and crush him to me, needing to taste that life that lives in Leo.

When I release him and he pulls back a bit we are both breathing heavily, our chests so close that our shells click together with each deep inhale. His eyes flick around my face, eyes to mouth and back again in a hectic cycle.

“Do you forgive me?” I gruffly choke out as my hands find their way down to my brother’s belt to keep him anchored to me.

“No,” I practically jerk away from him right then and there. But he still has a hold on my shell.

“Raph,” He says softly and bumps his beak against mine, making sure he has my attention. “It’ll take time. You have to convince me you deserve to be forgiven.”

“But you will?” The slight weakness in my voice doesn’t bother me. That should be the first sign that something is wrong. That Leonardo is really affecting me now.

“Of course. You’re my brother,” He says as he leans in and kisses me again, forcing my head to tilt to respond to him. Somehow this feels right.

No one else can control me and be led around just as easily. It’s like the two of us are always tugging each other’s leashes back and forth. Constantly a struggle, even though we both know he’ll always come out on top. Our own little personal game of tug-of-war.

Just the two of us in this game, the hothead and the leader. My fearless leader. This game is for me to play with him and him alone. Only Leo.

It’s always been only Leo.

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Oh hey, look! The fic is done. ^_^

Sorry about the extreme delay in this final chapter. Final exams came up.

Also I fly out to Italy in about twelve hours.

The only internet access I can get over there is in internet cafes, so if you leave me comments I will sporadically respond to them.

I hope you enjoyed Syndrome, it was a ton of fun to write. ^_^ And I actually finished my first fic for this fandom, woot!!
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Syndrome