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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!	By : V021 Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2643 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are in the HIIZ-OUSE!1 Okay, so it’s just me. If you gave me a trench coat and baseball hat, though, I could pull off a shaved Kevin Smith… Now quake with fear as I unleash more Keef upon you! Because there are fates worse than death….
Chapter 4: My Best Friend?
Hopping down from the llama, Zim swiped a hand across he brow as he breathed a sigh of relief.
“Whew! Who’d have thought I’d end up in such an AMAZINGLY ACTION-PACKED BATTLE! Why, I don’t believe I’ve ever seen marmosets that size even after my own research on the giantification of tiny mammals.” Turning to the llama, he nodded imperiously. “Many thanks, Llama. Without your herd’s assistance, I would’ve been dead. In gratitude, once I’ve conquered this planet, I shall ensure that all Llama kind will be spared the razing of conquest. Now, be gone with you!”
Baying its gratitude, the llama leapt into the air before exploding in a shower of glitter.
“Well, since that’s over with… Time to enact my VENGEANCE on the Tallest.”
With that, Zim marched up to his front door and pushed on it only to discover that it’s locked.
“Eh! Dammit! SKOODGE!” he hissed, pounding on the door. “Open up and let me in, you waste of lard! It’s me, ZIM! You’re COMMANDER! Open up before I break this door down and tear off your—”
Without warning, the house gnomes activated and chucked him out into the street.
“HOW DARE YOU!” Leaping to his feet, Zim rushed toward the yard but is soon driven back by a wild barrage of laser fire. He retreated to a safe distance and, seething, cut on his com-link to give Skoodge a serious dressing down.
“Out of range. Try Again Later” buzzed the computer announcer over the Irken Corporate Logo.
“What the—? ‘Out of range’! How can he possibly be out of range! Skoodge never leaves the base!” Zim growled, tearing at his antennae. “And the only way the house security would cut on is if an intruder tries to compromise the base! Unless…”
The color drained from his face, leaving him a sickly greenish hue as he sank his knees on the grimy asphalt. For a moment, silence reigned but is quickly shattered by a hard-thumping hip-hop beat. Zim looked up and saw the Other leering down at him, dressed up like a cheap Eminem clone.
“Guess who’s back, bitch!” jeered the doppelganger while an ominous black smoke spiraled up from the ground. “Direct from yo’ worse nightmares, straight outta’ the pit itself… put you hands up for the Gangsta himself… I present-in all his pimpin’ specter-y-ness- the one, the only… POOP DAWG!”
“WHAT’S UP, MUTHAFUCKA!” the Specter of Defeat howled as he burst into view. “Poop Dawg’s back to pimp-slap ya’ punk ass with an ice cold dose of reality.”
Zim gaped numbly at the specter for a moment, then leapt to his feet in a rage. “Why are you here, dog-man! I have not been defeated!”
“Zim, ya failed to annihilate yo’ Skool mates, you done been locked out yo’ base, and you didn’t put a cap in Dib’s giant head… I’d say yo’ is down with the muthafuckin’ defeat.”
“I… I can explain! I wasn’t my fault!” gasped the alien.
“Who ya tryin’ to fool, fool? Everything’s your fault!”
“LIES! Nothing is ZIM’S fault!”
“Bitch please. Yo’ think ya all that? Yo’ think yo’ Mister Badass, doncha’? Well, you ain’t nuthin’, shithead! You ain’t nothing!”
“DAMN YOUR LYING FEET!” Zim screamed, jabbing his finger into the specter’s robes.
“That… that didn’t even make sense, Zim” grumped Poop Dawg, dropping the rapper shtick.
The change caused Zim to cock an eyebrow. “Wait a minute… You sound just like—” Lunging forward, Zim grabbed the specter’s cowl and ripped it away to reveal…
“DIB!”
Poop Dawg/Dib laughed and pulls a pistol from its robes. “Boo.”
Before the alien can get over his shock, he’s shoot in the gut and collapsed onto the unyielding asphalt.
- - - -
In painful little bursts, feeling oozed back into Zim’s body and he pried his eyelids open to glance around.
“What the…? This isn’t my base!”
For it certainly was not Zim’s base. After all, no Irken in the universe would live in a place that was wall-to-wall preciousness. Cavorting kitties and puppies dominated the posters on the peaches-n-cream stripped wallpaper. There were frilliness and fluff everywhere, from the cotton candy pink rug to the frou-frou lampshades to the omnipresent dollies to the masses of rose-related items strewn about the room. Even the couch Zim was sitting on had been transformed from a mere seat to a massive idol to overstuffed cuteness*.
Zim leapt off the accursed thing in sheer horror. Then, in the overly gilded mirror, he saw something that made him unleash a terrified scream.
“Morning, buddy.”
Whipping around, Zim found himself face to pompadour with Keef.
“How did I get here! What is this… this… HORRIBLE place!”
“You’re at my house, Zim.” Keef seemed oblivious the alien’s disgusted looks as he held out a soda. “Thirsty?”
Slapping away the beverage, he grabbed Keef’s head and hauled the human off the ground. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY UNIFORM!” he screamed, gesturing at the violently orange sweatshirt, acid-washed jeans, and Reeboks with pink laces.
“It had hobo puke all over it, so I put it in the washer. I hope you don’t mind wearing my mom’s old things.”
“Hobo puke?” Zim hissed skeptically. “How could I have been covered by Hobo puke! I was around no Hoboes!”
“Oh, you were while you were in jail, silly!” The boy sighed. “That’s where you were a few days ago for disturbing the peace and being a menace to sanity. The police shot you with a tranquilizer dart because you were acting CRAZY! But it’s okay now. I posted bail and paid your fines, so they released you into my custody.”
“Bail? Fines?” he muttered. “Are you saying is that I was captured by the Earthen authorities for CRAZINESS but you paid monies to them and these police humans gave me to you. Is that what you’re saying?”
Keef’s brow furrowed a moment, but soon he was smiling again. “Yah, I guess.”
“So you bought me from those humans?”
“Yep, buddy. I sure did.”
For a moment, the alien did nothing else but glare at Keef. On top of everything else that had happened to him that day, this was the final straw. Zim let Keef drop to the floor as he sank back onto the frou-frou couch and brooded.
“You okay, Zim?”
“I’m pretty fucking far from okay,” he griped without looking at the boy.
Keef frowned and, sitting down next to Zim, put a comforting arm around him. “I understand that you’re upset about Dib. I know I cried the whole night when I heard he was in a coma. But don’t you worry, Zim. Our Dib’s gonna pull through and then we’ll all be together again! Footy pajamas, great big hugs… the works! Just like old times!”
Zim stared coldly at him, then went back to his brooding.
Lips pursed in deep concern for his friend, Keef strained to think of a way to shake Zim out of his despair. He glanced down at the dollie-coated coffee table and saw a sales circular laying on it. Suddenly, optimistic inspiration struck.
“I know something that’ll cheer you up!” Jumping to his feet, Keef snagged a gold ‘Member’s Only’ jacket and tossed it at Zim. “Come on, buddy! We’re going to the mall!”
Numbly, Zim tugs the jacket on and follows Keef out the door, consoling himself that his life couldn’t possibly get any worse…
-- Musical Montage Time! --
A happy synthesizer piano began playing in the background as Keef and Zim walk into the glaring light of the MALL.
((Ooo, you make me live…))
Zim cringed in shame and terror at the people turning to stare at them, but Keef doesn’t notice as he skipped down the corridors firmly clinging to Zim’s gloved hand.
((Whatever this world can give to me,)) ((It's you; you're all I see…))
Keef, wearing his permagrin, dragged his companion into Mister Fluff’s Clothing Emporium of Rainbow Love. He merrily began digging through the racks of hideously effeminate boy’s wear and handed his finds over for Zim to try on.
Squeeing in joy as Zim angrily models each new “outfit”, Keef took the whole clothes pile up the register and bought them. He handed the bags to Zim before hooking their arms together and prancing out of the store.
((You're the best friend that I ever had)) ((I've been with you such a long time…))
Leading the way, their next stop is the Really-Really-Big Toy Store.
As Keef bounds off, Zim wandered down the ‘boy’s’ aisle. Looking hopeful, he searched through the pathetic ray-pistol sets and laser games but finds nothing more than miserable reproductions that flicker and buzz weakly when he fired them at Keef.
((You're my sunshine )) ((And I want you to know that my feelings are true…))
Zim cursed his ill fortune, and then he spied a display of Red Rider BB-Guns. Smiling, he headed toward it only to have his path blocked by an ENORMOUS red bear with a pink satin heart belly. He jumped back, ready to smite the Red Demon Bear with a rubber chicken when Keef poked his head around the side.
((I really love you!)) He mouths, pointing to the bear.
A humiliated blush covered Zim’s face while the kids behind him snicker. Turning on his heels, he marched quickly out of the store.
((Ooo, you make me live…)) ((I've been wandering round…))
In a snit, Zim drifted through the crowds of mall-rats and dumpy old people. He stomped past the metal-inspired entrance to the GOTHIEST store ever, which is conveniently having a Fall closeout sale.
Glancing down at the Reeboks and the Mister Fluff’s swag, Zim immediately stuffed the bags into a handy trashcan and entered Hot Top—Eh, the GOTH store.
((But I still came back to you.))
Zim reemerged from the GOTH store with a wardrobe more to his liking. True, it wasn’t Irken regulation, but somehow the p-leather pants, combat boots, and a “Misfits” shirt (and an eye-patch, too!) made him feel much better. It was just a coincidence that he also picked up the same style trench coat Dib always wore…
((I'm happy, happy at home))
Strutting through the mall with his purchases slung over his shoulder, Zim hummed a happy tune to himself thinking that he is now free from Keef forever. But, as he rounded a corner, the ever-cheerful boy sprang an ambush hug on him.
((You’re my best friend!))
Keef was too happy to care that Zim’s gone Goth-Punk on him and pulled the protesting alien into a photo booth.
((Whenever this world is cruel to me…)) ((I got you to help me forgive…))
The photo strip that popped out reveals the struggling Zim put up in his attempts to escape Keef, from trying to dive out of the booth to attempting to throttle his captor to various shots of him screaming. It ended with Keef wrapping him up in a SUPER hug.
((You're the first one when things turn out bad…))
After the terrors of the photo booth, Zim resigned himself to being dragged around by Keef and didsn’t bother running off when the boy left him seating at a table in the food court. He did grimace at the tray of food Keef brought, knowing that no good was going to come from it. Especially not the single milkshake with two straws…
((You know I'll never be lonely…)) ((You're my only one…))
Grinning like a lunatic, Keef offered Zim a forkful of what plausibly could’ve been Moo-Guh-Gai-Pan at one point in its existence.
Zim looked back and forth between the congealing noodles and that grin. Finally, he accepts the ‘food’ and pulled off the most impressive expression of disgust before he fell over gagging.
((And I love the things…)) ((I really love the things that you do!))
Keef immediately rushed to Zim’s side as the alien fainted from oxygen deprivation. Thinking fast, the boy started giving him CPR. Zim came to just in time to find Keef performing mouth-to-mouth on him.
Scuttling back, Zim spits and hissed angrily but Keef just smiled in relief before jerking him into yet another bear hug.
Not wanting any more to do with the infernalness of the Mall, Zim grabbed hold of Keef and marched out of the mall. For a brief moment, they’re silhouetted holding hands in the glowing sunset.
((You, you're my best friend…))
-- End The Fucking Music --
Meanwhile, Deep within the Membranes’ house…
Stepping back from the table, Gaz looked over her handiwork. A dark smile of satisfaction slithered over her lips as she took in the absolute perfection of its duplicity. Now, all she needed to finish it was some power. She moved away from her creation, carefully slipping in between the networked spelldrives encircling the table.
Gaz was still a bit impressed with the sheer amount of information out there about Dib’s stupid magical toys, from the autobiographical suicide note of the crazy witch who had invented the original spelldrive down to the various knock-off models available. But she was really pleased when she found the blueprints for a homemade mystical recharging system, which Gaz had pretty much completed last night. There was only one part missing. One tiny and extremely important part: a Ley Line Converter.
Clicking Dib’s laptop on, she pulled up the Swollen Eyeball site and messaged Agent Tuna Ghost.
“Found anything yet?” she rasped.
“Uh… Yes. And no.”
Her eye half opened. “Yes and no?”
Agent Tuna Ghost coughed nervously. “Well, I have found you a Ley Line Converter, but there’s a small problem.”
“Problem?” There was a lethal combination of sleeplessness and malice in Gaz’s tone.
“Yes. You see, Agent Piggy Hunter, the part kinda belongs to…eh, somebody…”
“So what? I just need it for a few days and then I can give the dumb thing back.”
“It’s not that simple…” Tuna Ghost muttered. “First, there’s a high probability that the Converter will be destroyed during the recharging process since you’ll be pumping well over forty-two thousand magic points through it per second…”
“Then I’ll buy it.” Gaz snapped.
“I don’t think your getting it. The Ley Line Converter belongs to El Santanico, the Vampire Lord of Northern Mexico. And I seriously doubt she’s going to part with it peacefully…”
“Then how about a trade?”
Agent Tuna Ghost balked at the suggestion. “Agent Piggy Hunter! It’s against our ethical policies to even consider making deals with such fiendish and vile supernatural creatures as El Santanico! Besides,” she quipped sourly. “Where are you going to find a virgin nowadays?”
The dark smile appeared again. “Oh, you’d be amazed. Bye, Tuna Ghost…”
Before Agent Tuna Ghost could protest, Gaz had cut the laptop off and shoved it into a duffel bag. Soon, she emerged from the lab into the murky living room where G.I.R. was absorbed in watching Reality TV.
“Let’s go, G.I.R.,” she barked, snatching up the keys to Dib’s Jaguar.
“Go? Go where?”
“To Mexico.” Seeing that the loony ‘bot wasn’t catching on, she added, “It’s the Land of Tacos, G.I.R. A land of many, many tacos indeed.”
“HALLELUJAH! PARADISE, HERE I COME!” screamed G.I.R. as it barreled out the door and into the car.
Gaz growled wearily and picked up a notepad to scribble down a brief note for her father. It wasn’t likely that he’d even notice it, but leaving a note was exactly the sort of asinine thing Dib would do so she was going to do just that.
“Dad, Gone to Mexico to hunt vampires. Back whenever. – Gaz.”
Stabbing the note to door with the pen, she climbed into Dib’s Jag and drove off into the night.
The white scrape of paper fluttered dully in the breeze.

Lyrics are to+ “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen. Because I’m evil like that.
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