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The Pain Game	By : hummerhouse Category: +S through Z > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 4701 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.

Chapter List
- 1-The Pain Game
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 6-Part 6
- 7-Part 7
- 8-Part 8
- 9-Part 9
- 10-Part 10
- 11-Part 11
- 12-Part 12
- 13-Part 13
- 14-Part 14
- 15-Part 15
- 16-Part 16
- 17-Part 17
- 18-Part 18
- 19-Part 19
- 20-Part 20
- 21-Part 21
- 22-Part 22
- 23-Part 23
- 24-Part 24
- 25-Part 25
- 26-Part 26
- 27-Part 27
- 28-Part 28
- 29-Part 29
- 30-Part 30
- 31-Part 31
- 32-Part 32
- 33-Part 33
- 34-Part 34
- 35-Part 35
- 36-Part 36
- 37-Part 37
- 38-Part 38
- 39-Part 39 Final
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            “This is your fault!” Mikey yelled, looking at Don. “You always have to overthink everything don’t you?”
            “If I had analyzed every possible variable then obviously I would have made certain that Leo and Raph didn’t encounter each other before I was finished talking to you,” Don replied absently. He was still staring at the lair exit. “Clearly I hadn’t anticipated Raph walking in on us.”
            “You hadn’t . . . .” Mikey stopped, at a loss for words. “How could you not imagine he’d walk into the dojo? He spends half his waking hours in there!”
            “Guys stop!” Leo called as he got up from the floor. Coming towards them, he said, “This is my fault, not Don’s and not yours Mikey. I did this damage years ago and it’s just coming to a head now.”
            “Because you let it fester!” Mikey shouted, turning on Leo. “Maybe you were too young then to know that what you were saying to Raph would hurt him badly, but when you got older and saw how messed up your relationship with him was, you should have taken it all back. You just couldn’t let go of that power over him could you?”
            “Mikey!” Don exclaimed.
            “No Donny, he’s right,” Leo said. “I did know that what I had said might cause lasting trauma, but it wasn’t because I wanted power over him. It wasn’t, Mikey. I was punishing Raph because of my deeply held conviction that he hated me.”
            Master Splinter had approached the trio, but he remained off to one side and silent, allowing his sons to air their grievances without his interference.
            “So what, you decided that if he hated you that you’d give him a good reason to hate you?” Mikey asked incredulously.
            Leo shook his head. “I never brought it up again, you have to believe that. I wanted to forget about the incident because I didn’t want to think about how Raph despised me. When we’d go through periods where we were getting along again, I thought that maybe he was putting it behind him too. Then we’d have a fight and I’d know that peaceful period was just a détente.”
            “The first time that happened you could have sat down with him and talked about it,” Mikey said. “You could have asked him straight out if he hated you.”
            “If I did that and he’d acknowledged it then I would have known it was the truth,” Leo said, a pained expression on his face. “I’m being honest with you, Mikey. More honest than I’ve even been with myself. If Raph never actually said he hated my guts, then I could fool myself into believing it wasn’t true, at least for short periods of time. This family is all I’ll ever have; all I’ll ever want. Living with the knowledge that one of you hates me is almost too much to bear.”
            “Hiding from the truth, no matter how hurtful, is no way to live either Leo,” Don said, his tone compassionate. “Whatever that past incident was, it carried over into how Raph perceived your interactions with him and by default, into your leadership of our team.”
            “Raph has always thought you were trying to control him and that’s ‘cause of what you said to him that night,” Mikey contributed. “Maybe if that wasn’t still hanging over your heads you two could have plain old differences of opinion instead of knock down drag out fights.”
            “You have both been laboring under a misconception Leonardo,” Master Splinter interposed. “It is time to rectify this situation.”
            “Yes Father,” Leo said contritely.
            “This thing with Raph, it didn’t just hurt him did it Leo?” Don asked. “You’ve been damaged by it too. It’s why you’re always so aloof with us, isn’t it? It’s also why you’ve been trying to protect Mikey.”
            Leo grimaced. “When Raph got so violent during our sparring session a few years ago and became aroused by that, I thought that his acting out sexually was from hatred. I didn’t want Mikey to experience that, I didn’t want him to be contaminated by finding out the hard way that Raph might not be able to feel anything for him.”
            “One doesn’t have anything to do with the other,” Mikey said. “Besides, he doesn’t hate you. No matter what he says when he’s angry, he doesn’t hate any of us. Raph wouldn’t have been so worried about you guys finding out about us and what we do together if he didn’t care what you thought. Why do you think he said that about respect? When you hate someone you don’t care about having their respect.”
            “You have become very wise, Michelangelo. Perhaps the time for hiding and secrets is over,” Master Splinter said.
            His words made Mikey flashback to his dream and he was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of urgency. “We need to go after Raph,” he said.
            “I’m sure he just needs time to cool down, Mikey. He’ll come back like he always does,” Don said.
            “No, I’ve got a bad feeling,” Mikey said, growing agitated. “He’s not going to come back if we don’t let him know that he’s not a monster.”
            Leo started to say something but Don cut him off. “We can track his shell cell. Let me get my bag.”
            Although Mikey expected that trying to track Raph that way wouldn’t work, he didn’t say anything. Together he and Leo moved to the exit and waited there for Don to join them, which he did a minute later.
            As soon as they stepped out into the tunnels, Don opened his shell cell and activated the tracking beacon. His screen showed three dots practically atop one another and then a fourth dot some distance away. It wasn’t moving.
            With a frown, Don said, “He’s either stationary someplace or . . . .”
            When he trailed off Leo grimly finished the sentence for him. “Or he’s thrown his shell cell away.”
            They started running, following a path that would take them directly to where Raph’s phone was located. It didn’t take long; Raph had only gone about a mile before ditching his shell cell.
            Don stood looking down at the communication device, half buried in ankle deep mud. “Why does everyone have to discard their shell cells in the nastiest of places?” he asked rhetorically.
            He leaned down to extract the phone from the mud, shaking the excess muck off of it before wiping it down with a rag. After wrapping the shell cell in the rag, Don gingerly deposited it in his duffel bag.
            While he was doing that, Leo was on his own shell cell, placing a call. “Casey? It’s Leo. Have you seen Raph?”
            Mikey could hear Casey’s voice but his words were indistinct. Leo’s scowl deepened and when Casey stopped talking, Leo said, “Disagreement is an understatement. If he shows up there, can you call me without letting on that you’re doing so? I’ll make sure he thinks I guessed where he was going.”
            Once more he listened before saying ‘thank you’ and hanging up.
            “I suppose we’d better split up,” Don said. “If he’s gone topside he’s going to be hard to track; it’s still pouring down rain.”
            “We’ll have to anticipate him,” Leo said. “Casey is going to check with April and relay the message to call me if he shows up at her place. It’s late afternoon and normally he wouldn’t venture topside, but he’s agitated and it’s raining hard so he might chance it.”
            “Raph’s been preoccupied with the Purple Dragons lately. He might try going after them or even Hun,” Don suggested.
            Despite the frightening dream he’d had, Mikey didn’t think Raph would be in a frame of mind that would push him towards their arch enemies. His gut was telling him that Raph could be found in the one place that he considered a sanctuary.
            “I think I might know where he’s gone,” Mikey said slowly, “but you guys can’t come with me.”
            “It might be better if . . . .” Leo began.
            “No,” Mikey said, stopping his brother. Pulling his shell cell from his belt, Mikey made sure that Leo and Don saw him turning it off. “I’ll keep this with me but Donny, you have to promise not to turn it on remotely. You have to swear it or this phone goes into the mud too.”
            Leo and Don looked at each other as though silently communicating and Mikey added, “If either of you guys uses this phone to track me anyway, then both Raph and I will leave for good.”
            There was a hard-headed conviction behind his words that conveyed themselves to his brothers. “I won’t remotely activate your phone,” Don said, “and Leo doesn’t know how to do that. I promise.”
            “You can’t follow me either,” Mikey said, looking directly at Leo. “If we’re gonna fix this, we’ve got to have some trust.”
            “Neither of us will try to follow you,” Leo said solemnly.
            Taking a deep breath, Mikey released it before saying, “Okay. In case I’m wrong, you guys should keep looking for Raph. When he’s upset he likes to go up high so he can look out over the city. You know the places that are sheltered and that’s where he’d be ‘cause even when he’s pissed he knows better than to try and get hit by lightning.”
            “How will we know if you’ve found him and that you’re both safe?” Leo asked.
            Mikey thought for a moment. He couldn’t use his shell cell because the second he turned it on, Don would know where he was. As he mused, Mikey’s eyes drifted down and landed on Don’s duffel bag.
            Looking up at his brother, Mikey asked, “Do you have that lineman’s phone with you?”
            “Yeah,” Don said, twisting around to unzip his bag and dig around in it. When he found the phone he handed it to Mikey.
            “If I find Raph or I see he’s in trouble, I’ll hook this up to a land line and call Casey,” Mikey said. “He can relay the message to you.”
            “Aren’t you being overly cautious?” Leo asked, his brow furrowed.
            “No I’m not,” Mikey told him. “I have to do this for Raph so that he’ll know he can still trust me.”
            Without waiting for further protests from his brothers, Mikey turned around and trotted off. The direction he chose was dictated by the location of the nearest safe exit out of the sewers.
            Even though Mikey knew that most businesses had closed due to the flooding he was still careful to check for people before leaving the safety of the tunnels. He remained at ground level, letting the torrential rain disguise both him and his footprints.
As much as Mikey believed that Leo wouldn’t betray his trust, he wasn’t going to underestimate his brother’s protective instincts. Because of that, he took a circuitous route to the alley behind the deli, checking his back trail along the way.
Dropping through the manhole in back of the deli, Mikey relied on his intuition which was still telling him that Raph had gone to the secret room. It was the perfect place for Raph to turn into a home and safe from prying eyes, including those of his own family.
Once his eyes adjusted to the change in light, Mikey began walking, keeping his eyes on the ground. Away from the manhole the earth was dry and it didn’t take long for Mikey to see damp spots that indicated someone had passed along this route in front of him.
Reaching the brick wall, Mikey took a chance that the pattern hadn’t been changed; if it had been, then he’d have to double back and go in through the abandoned warehouse.
His luck held and the brick wall opened for him. He waited for it to slide shut before proceeding; a last bit of caution in case he’d been followed.
When Mikey reached the heavy metal door to the secret room he paused to take several deep, calming breaths. They only helped a little; his heart was still beating a fast rhythm inside his chest.
Lifting his hand, Mikey used the side of his fist to pound on the door. Though Mikey wasn’t sure that Raph would even answer, he counted to fifteen slowly and then banged on the door again. Mikey had just reached the end of another slow count, determined to let his brother know he wasn’t leaving, when the door creaked open a scant couple of inches and Raphael peered out at him.
“What do ya’ want?” Raph growled at him.
“I want in,” Mikey said. “Are you gonna open up or should I talk to you from out here?”
For a moment it was a toss-up as to whether Raph would open the door or slam it in Mikey’s face. While Raph debated that, Mikey surreptitiously pressed the ball of one foot against the base of the door.
“Come in,” Raph finally said, backing away from the door. “What the hell do I care?”
Mikey entered the room and closed the door behind him. When he turned back around, he saw that Raph had gone over to the table where the remnants of the chair he’d broken lay. Nearby were a handful of tools, some nails, and wood glue.
“You’re fixing the chair,” Mikey said with some surprise.
“Yeah, well, the set up looks out of balance with just one chair,” Raph said with a shrug as he sat down, keeping his eyes fixed on his work.
Something else seemed off about the room and when Mikey glanced around he saw that the cedar chests were missing.
“Where are the chests?” Mikey asked.
Raph waved towards the bar without looking up. “I stuck ‘em back there. I figured you’d drag Leo and Don down here on a rescue mission and they didn’t need to see that stuff right off the bat.”
The slightly sarcastic tone in his voice didn’t escape Mikey’s notice, making him feel defensive. “There’s no way I would have brought them here,” he responded indignantly. “I gave you my word. I even made sure they couldn’t track me.”
“Don’t even know why ya’ bothered coming here at all,” Raph mumbled. “You’ve got yourself a new playmate don’t ya’? One that meets with Leo’s approval.”
“There’s nothing going on between Donny and me,” Mikey said, taking a couple of steps towards Raph. “What you walked in on was just as much a surprise to me as it was to you. Don figured everything out on his own and he wanted me to talk about it. Just like Leo did. I didn’t tell anyone anything about us but I have been talking to Master Splinter about my own sexuality because I wanted his advice and I needed to know how he’d react. Maybe I was even feeling him out to get his opinion about two of his sons getting together.”
Raph looked up at him then. “How could ya’ even think that was smart?” he spluttered indignantly.
“I had to talk to somebody,” Mikey said quickly, before Raph could get wound up. “You wouldn’t talk to me about how what we were doing made you feel and I needed to talk. How was I supposed to know he’d work out what was going on by himself?”
“Because he’s Master Splinter, that’s how!” Raph exclaimed, slamming the wooden chair leg he was holding down on the table.
“I’m sorry that I’m not as good at keeping my feelings hidden as you are!” Mikey shouted back. He closed his eyes to get himself back under control. Opening them, he told Raph in a calmer voice, “I never broke my promise, Raph.”
Although Raph’s hands were closed into fists, they were both on the table, indicating that he was controlling himself. “Okay Mikey, I accept that,” Raph said. “Ya’ tried, I know ya’ did. This thing was bound to get away from us sometime.”
Mikey didn’t like the way Raph’s shoulders had slumped. “If you’re worried about what Master Splinter thinks of you, don’t be. He’s totally accepting of the fact that we’ve been together sexually. He even guessed that you like to play rough and I like to submit. He doesn’t think less of either of us for that.”
Raph opened his hands but only to cover his face with them. “That’s it. I ain’t going home ever. This shit is more than I can handle.”
“Give me a break,” Mikey said sharply. “You’re stronger than that. You came here knowing darn well that this would be the first place I’d look for you. Don pulled that stunt earlier because he wanted to let me know that he’d figured it all out. He said he’s tried to talk to you about it in the past but you wouldn’t give him the time of day. Don not only doesn’t care that we were doing sexual things together, he was insisting that we should be together. He knows exactly what turns us both on.”
“Oh geez, Mikey.” Raph uncovered his eyes to look at his brother.
“Don’s a genius, what do you want from me?” Mikey asked. “You don’t think I wasn’t standing there extra green in the face while he told me you like hurting me and I like being hurt?”
“He said that?” Raph asked with a frown.
Mikey waved a hand in the air. “He used some big words but basically that’s what they mean. Leo knows too but I guess you figured that out when you two got into your latest fight. He told you the truth, Raph. All this time you’ve thought he was disgusted by what you did that night but he wasn’t. He doesn’t care about the sex aspect of this at all. Leo’s spent all these years thinking you hated him. He just wants to know that you don’t and that you weren’t getting off on the idea of killing him.”
Raph appeared stunned by what Mikey said. “He thinks I wanted to kill him? I’d never do that to any of ya’!”
“Be realistic bro’, you don’t think Leo remembers that you tried to bean me with a pipe?” Mikey spoke bluntly, being a little brutal to snap Raph out of his self-pity. “I know you’re well past that kind of thing and I wouldn’t have even remembered it if Leo hadn’t brought it up.
“That’s why he’s been butting in and trying to keep us apart, he doesn’t know we’d found balance in our connection. He’s been worried that you’d get too rough. That’s the honest truth of it. Leo’s not disgusted by you but he is really, really worried about how far you might go. You need to come home and talk to him. You need to explain that you don’t hate him and that what we’d been doing together didn’t stem from a desire to destroy anything.”
“I don’t think I can do that,” Raph said. “Look, I’ve got a better idea. I can just live here and you could come over every day to be with me. It’ll be like what the humans do, ya’ know, the kids grow up and move out on their own. Ya’ guys don’t need me on the team, I’m the one who’s always going off half-cocked and getting us into trouble.”
Normally Raph would have accepted any excuse to return home. It was in his spirit to fight to hold onto his family, to remain with them at all costs. The only thing Mikey could imagine to explain this behavior was that Raph was taking the easy way out. He couldn’t quite bring himself to believe what Mikey had said about Master Splinter accepting him for who he was and he’d rather exile himself than to hear his father tell him he was as sick and twisted as Leo had made him believe.
“No, that’s not workable,” Mikey said outright. “We aren’t humans. We were meant to stay together as a family always and you know that as well as I do. Our team does need its warrior and that’s you, Raph. As far as my coming here to be with you, that’s off. I told you I wanted to go back to us just being brothers. I decided to give up what we had before because it’s the best thing I can do for our family. I realize it’ll hurt but I’ll deal with that. I thought stuff would go back to normal and we’d never have to talk about it again, but I didn’t know Don would decide he needed to take a hand in things.”
Raph stood up and came towards Mikey. “We don’t have to stop, Mikey. They all know about us so we don’t even have to work at keeping it a secret.”
Mikey shook his head. In spite of everything, Raph still didn’t seem to understand what Mikey needed most. “You still don’t get it. For me this wasn’t just about ‘getting off’. I loved you and wanted you to love me back, but that’s not something I can force you into doing and I’m sure as hell not gonna bargain for it ‘cause then it wouldn’t be real. If I can’t have that from you then all those fun and games don’t have any meaning. It’s just empty sex and I can get that from my own hand.”
“Everything is so damn easy for ya’, ain’t it Mikey?” Raph asked indignantly. “Ya’ decide something has to be a certain way and there ain’t no gray areas. For me there’s never been anything but gray areas.”
“I think they call that sitting on the fence,” Mikey shot back. “When it comes to fighting you’re decisive as hell, why can’t you do that with your personal life? You’ve got no problem throwing your temper around, but have you ever stopped to get in touch with what’s actually making you angry? Or are you so afraid of your emotions you’d rather not analyze them?”
“Shit Mikey, that ain’t me!” Raph shouted. “They’re called feelings for a reason; you’re just supposed to feel them!”
“And you don’t feel them for me,” Mikey said, refusing to get into a shouting match with his brother. His heart was beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. “You know what Don asked me? He asked how you help someone who doesn’t want help. It shouldn’t be like that in our family, we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed of what we like or how we feel about something and we shouldn’t have to hide anything.”
“You’ve seen the inside of those chests,” Raph said, his voice now low and raspy. “That stuff wouldn’t be there if I hadn’t acknowledged that I’m as sick and twisted as Leo told me I was.”
“Then I guess I’m sick and twisted too,” Mikey said. “I think the stuff in those chests is awesome. To me those things are grown up toys that lovers play with to spice up their sex lives. You’re the one who holds onto the notion that what’s inside those chests represent something dark. It’s not up to Leo to define who you are and you sure as shell shouldn’t base your entire self-image off what a thirteen-year-old said to you.”
“That thirteen-year-old was my own brother,” Raph snapped, “and he was right!”
Mikey stared at him. “As long as you hold onto that and don’t ever let Leo explain that he was wrong, you’re never gonna be happy. You didn’t ask me to keep coming here because you want to be with me, you did it because seeing Don on top of me made you feel possessive. It was the same when we were kids; you’d toss away a toy ‘cause you were bored with it but as soon as someone else picked it up, you wanted it back.”
“That’s not true,” Raph said. “Ya’ told me when ya’ came in that Don wasn’t making a play for ya’. I asked ya’ to keep coming here ‘cause that’s what I want, not because I think someone’s trying to take something from me.”
“If I did that you’d be getting what you want all right, but I wouldn’t get anything out of it,” Mikey said, suddenly feeling very tired.
He couldn’t be in this room with Raph any longer. Don had been right, memories couldn’t be turned off and here they were too strong. The kind of pain he was experiencing now wasn’t the kind Mikey enjoyed.
“We could . . . maybe work through that?” Raph asked, his hands out towards Mikey as though he was reaching for some hope.
“Love isn’t an injury you work through, Raph. It doesn’t blind side you and you shake it off,” Mikey said. “It’s something that’s beautiful and you want it more than anything. It’s just what the dictionary said, it’s a tender, passionate affection for another person. What love isn’t is a one way street and that’s all you’re offering me.”
Mikey turned and took the few steps required to reach the door. Looking back at a now quiet Raph, he said, “Come home bro’. You’re needed there and you know that’s where you really want to be. If you can’t manage that then please don’t do anything nuts. I can keep this room a secret as long as you don’t go crazy topside or try to get yourself hurt.”
“Don’t go.” Raph looked like he was struggling with something and Mikey watched him, his own insides churning as sharp pains lanced through his chest.
“I have to,” Mikey finally said after a couple of minutes.
“Don’t go,” Raph repeated. “I . . . need you. Dammit Mikey, I . . . I’m hurting here. You’re right, I did come here because I knew you’d find me. When you’re with me I feel . . . I feel like things are how they should be. I need you.”
All of the oxygen seemed to have been sucked from the room. Despite the painful constriction in his neck, Mikey’s sense of indignation insisted he say something. “You want me to have sympathy for you now after the way you’ve treated me? You have no right to ask that!”
He didn’t wait for Raph to respond to that as he grabbed the door handle, flinging the door open. On the verge of losing control and completely breaking down, Mikey stepped across the threshold for the last time.
TBC……………
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The Pain Game