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The Pain Game	By : hummerhouse Category: +S through Z > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 4701 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.

Chapter List
- 1-The Pain Game
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 6-Part 6
- 7-Part 7
- 8-Part 8
- 9-Part 9
- 10-Part 10
- 11-Part 11
- 12-Part 12
- 13-Part 13
- 14-Part 14
- 15-Part 15
- 16-Part 16
- 17-Part 17
- 18-Part 18
- 19-Part 19
- 20-Part 20
- 21-Part 21
- 22-Part 22
- 23-Part 23
- 24-Part 24
- 25-Part 25
- 26-Part 26
- 27-Part 27
- 28-Part 28
- 29-Part 29
- 30-Part 30
- 31-Part 31
- 32-Part 32
- 33-Part 33
- 34-Part 34
- 35-Part 35
- 36-Part 36
- 37-Part 37
- 38-Part 38
- 39-Part 39 Final
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            “Donny, let me up!” Mikey demanded, feeling a sense of panic over Raph’s reaction at seeing Don pinning him to the floor.
            “Fascinating,” Donatello said without moving. “It’s not the same with me, is it?”
            Mikey stared at him, unable to process what Don was doing. “Wh . . . what are you talking about?”
            “The rush you get when it’s Raph behaving aggressively with you,” Don answered, a smug look on his face. “Your pupils aren’t dilated, you aren’t responding with the same short, quick breaths, and your body is much too tense. You’re actually fighting me for control.”
            “Of course I am,” Mikey responded, struggling against Don’s hold. “I’d do the same with anybody who’s trying to choke me!”
            “Not with Raph you don’t,” Don said. “Not lately. You open up to him and you probably don’t realize you’re doing it either.”
            “Doing what?” Mikey asked, despite the fact that his mind was demanding he shut up.
            “Submitting,” Don whispered against Mikey’s head. He smiled when he saw Mikey’s eyes grow wide. “It’s in your posture, your expressions; your body language as a whole. He gets close and you make yourself vulnerable.”
            “Not funny anymore Donatello,” Mikey said, rolling from side to side as much as Don’s weight allowed. He lifted a knee and thumped it against Don’s carapace. “Get off me!”
            Mikey was starting to grow frantic. Normally he could have found a way out of Don’s trap, but his mind was too full of the image of Raph’s face from a moment earlier.
            “If I do, you’ll just chase after him,” Don said. “Weren’t you trying to stop doing that?”
            “I won’t. I won’t go after him, just let me go!” Mikey cried out, his heart beating wildly in his chest.
            “Let’s find out,” Don said.
            Lifting his knees from the floor, Don rose to his feet in one fluid movement, taking his bô staff with him. Mikey immediately jumped up and turned towards the door.
            With a flick of his wrist, Don stuck his bô staff right in front of his younger brother, barring Mikey’s path. Mikey came to a quick stop to avoid running into the staff and then Don stepped around to block Mikey’s exit.
            “Get out of my way,” Mikey ground out with determination.
            “Move me,” Don challenged. When Mikey hesitated, Don asked, “Afraid I’ll pin you down again? Or are you worried that you might start responding to me the way you do when it’s Raph hurting you?”
            “Fat chance,” Mikey snapped. “Why don’t you leave it alone, Donny? This is none of your business anyway.”
            Don laughed shortly. “Of course it’s my business. Do you think I don’t know about Raph’s proclivities? I’ve been studying his behavior since the first time he and Leo got into a real fight. I’ve been studying Leo’s too. They don’t want each other.”
            Mikey had been about to make a break for it, determined to be as violent as necessary to escape Don, but those words froze him. He blinked at Don and asked slowly, “What do you know about any of it?”
            “Raph’s a sadist,” Don said. “He hides it really well but I’ve noticed the physiological changes that occur when he becomes aggressive. They’re almost exclusive to his interactions with you, by the way. I say almost because I’m pretty sure something happened between Raph and Leo once, something that didn’t end well.”
            “You said they don’t want each other,” Mikey said, clinging to that sentence as if it were a lifeline.
            “Oh Mikey, of course they don’t,” Don said, shaking his head. “If Raph had ever acted out with Leo it would be because he thought he got the upper hand in something. And it would only have happened if Raph was already frustrated and feeling like no one respected him. He’d get carried away over a need to prove himself. It wouldn’t be about Leo, it would be about Raph.”
            “But Raph . . . .” Mikey stopped to think about what he wanted to say. “But Raph really values what Leo thinks of him.”
            “He should,” Don said and then rushed on quickly when he saw Mikey’s expression. “We should all value each other in that same fashion. Leo tries to hide the fact that he very much values Raph’s opinion of him. Raph is too hard on himself and thinks that everyone views him through that same prism of self-doubt.”
            “Then we should be helping him past that!” Mikey exclaimed, fully feeling the dissatisfaction of the last couple of days.
            “How do you help someone who doesn’t want the help, Mikey? Did you ask any of us for help?” Don asked quietly.
            Mikey remembered back to the very moment he’d discovered his own particular kink and how ashamed he’d been. When Raph had learned of it by accident, Mikey had wanted to crawl into a hole and pull dirt on top of himself.
            “I couldn’t,” Mikey admitted, his voice shaking slightly.
            “You like pain, don’t you?” Don said. “I’ve been watching you since that day at practice when you went out of your way to avoid physical contact with Raph. You didn’t know that about yourself until around that time. Something happened didn’t it? Something that made Raph pounce on you the way he does when you aggravate him. Only this time you got excited by it.”
            His face flushed, Mikey could only nod in agreement. “I pulled a prank on him. After he paid me back for it and left, I was . . . you know, wound up,” he said, barely able to meet Don’s eyes. “Raph found out the next day. He was mad because he thought I’d made him look foolish at practice and he trapped me in the tunnels.”
            “Do you understand this part of your sexual identity Mikey?” Don asked, sounding once more like the sympathetic brother that Mikey knew him to be.
            Mikey scuffed the ground with his feet and murmured, “I don’t want to be with women. I don’t just want to be with another guy, I want to be with my own brother. Is screwed up a sexual identity?”
            “You are not screwed up,” Don stated adamantly. “We are a group of four very unique beings. What we want, what we desire, those things are going to be unique as well.”
            “Even to wanting Raph to hurt me?” Mikey asked, his voice cracking. “Come on Donny, you gotta admit that’s out there.”
            “It’s not so out there that there isn’t a term for it,” Don told him with complacency. “I told you that Raph’s a sadist, do you know what that means?”
            Shaking his head, Mikey answered, “Not really.”
            “Generally it means someone who derives pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others,” Don said. “That’s the dictionary version. Of course I have no first-hand knowledge of exactly what Raph prefers, but knowing him, I’m going to guess he likes to be rough. For him it would be less about humiliation and more about seeing what he could put a partner through. How much they can take. Am I close?”
            Mikey cleared his throat. “You . . . might be.”
            Again that small smile curved Don’s lips. “Still keeping his secrets? It’s okay, we were raised to be loyal to each other. I’ll just go on with my guesses, shall I?”
            His pause told Mikey that wasn’t a rhetorical question. “Okay.”
            “Now you,” Don said, cocking his head slightly to one side and contemplating Mikey. “You’re a masochist. Do you know that definition?”
            “The opposite of Raph?” Mikey asked in return.
            “Very astute guess,” Don said, his tone compassionate. “To answer your question, yes. A masochist derives sexual gratification from their own pain or humiliation. In your case, specifically from the pain that Raph inflicts on you. It doesn’t work the same with anyone else as I just proved.”
            The frantic feeling was starting to fade as Mikey listened to Don explaining things to him. This is what Don did; he boiled things down to concepts that were simple to understand, and he did it in a non-judgmental kind of way. Mikey felt a sense of relief at finally being able to openly talk about this without the guilt of breaking Raph’s confidences.
            “How do you know all this stuff, Donny? I mean, what even made you think any of that had to do with us? Did . . . did Master Splinter talk to you about it, or . . . or Leo?” Mikey cleared his throat. “Or . . . Raph?”
            “No one has shared anything with me, Mikey. That was the point of the questions I’ve been asking,” Don said. “Remember when we were really little and promised we’d never keep secrets from each other? It wasn’t just that we were so close, it was because we knew we’d never have anyone else to share things with except each other. The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how important that pledge was. Major secrets are just bad for us.”
            Mikey recalled the conversation he’d had with Leo the morning following his accident on the pier. “Secrets can get us killed,” he murmured, almost to himself, parroting the words Leo had said to him.
            “Exactly,” Don said with a nod, “and they can pull us apart. That’s why this is my business. My cameras verified that you and Raph were going out to be alone together. When I asked about it, you both gave me essentially the same story. That’s another thing that roused my suspicions. First you tell me that you’re there to moderate Raph’s behavior and then he tells me almost that exact same thing? Not likely unless you two were concocting a story to cover for what you were really doing.”
            “Geez Donny, you didn’t have to get all dramatic like this, you could have just talked to me about it,” Mikey said, frowning at his brother.
            Don slid his bô staff into place on his shell and then shrugged. “I tried that. Several times. What did you say? Oh, yeah, same as you told me a minute ago. ‘It’s none of your business, Donatello’.”
            “You know, I did hint at the way I was feeling the night Master Splinter was sick,” Mikey told him defensively.
            “A hint isn’t the same thing as sitting down and talking with me,” Don said. “Using analogies about tiny organisms trapped under a microscope isn’t the same as saying ‘hey Donny, that connection I was talking about is one I want to have with Raph. By connection, I mean sex.’ If you had done that I might have been able to help before you got hurt.”
            “If I had done that you’d have dropped your teeth,” Mikey snapped. It almost sounded like an ‘I told you so’ from his smart brother, and Mikey’s wounds were too fresh. “Dude, I know you’re trying to help and all, but everything’s cool. I’m not hurt. Don’t even know where you get that idea.”
            “I’m observant Mikey,” Don said, crossing his arms, “and I listen. As I said, you and Raph gave me pretty much the same cover story to explain meeting up outside the lair, but the way you each delivered that information was very different. I developed a theory based on that and on what happened the night before last.”
            “So now you’re basing theories off of stuff your brothers do? Would’ve thought you’d be too busy,” Mikey said with a hint of sarcasm.
            “I’m in charge of security and I think this qualifies,” Don retorted. “But you go on being defensive, it substantiates my hypothesis. Every one of your previous responses to our conversations showed the same pattern; that you were looking forward. You were desiring a real relationship with Raph and were laying the groundwork for acceptance. What you wanted was a future with Raphael as your intimate partner.
            “Raph’s responses on the other hand were guarded. They did not allude to any hopes for a change in his circumstance. He was evasive or he made threats, but he did not try to garner sympathy for his position. Raph had no confidence in the concept of holding onto something with you, so he gave up fighting for it. He’d decided early on to live in the present, enjoy what he could while he could, and live without it when the time came.”
            “You’re making me feel so much better,” Mikey muttered acerbically.
            “The night before last it all came to a head, didn’t it?” Don asked. When Mikey glowered at him, Don went on as though his brother had responded in the affirmative. “That’s what I thought. You were alone here with Leo and he took that opportunity to confront you about Raph. Really Mikey, you should have known that Leo would figure it out just as I did. I only issued my ultimatum because I wanted to force you to go to Leo yourself.”
            “I tried that,” Mikey said. “Not exactly the straightforward approach ‘cause Raph wouldn’t have liked it, but I kept trying to get Leo to see that Raph wasn’t the monster he tried to make him out to be. All Leo wanted to do was talk about demons and me getting hurt.”
            “Then you should have focused on yourself during the conversations and not attempted to change Leo’s perception of Raph. That’s something between the two of them,” Don said. “Let me guess, Leo attacked Raph’s motivations and you defended them. The conversation grew heated with both of you keeping Raph at the center of your disagreement.”
            For a moment Mikey wondered if Don hadn’t bugged the lair as well as planting hidden cameras. “Raph is at the center of our argument,” Mikey asserted.
            Shaking his head, Don said, “No, your feelings for Raph are. Mikey, that’s been the difference all along. It’s what started everything rolling downhill. You awoke to your own sexuality and made the conscious choice to pursue what you wanted, just as you always do.”
            “What’s so wrong about that?” Mikey demanded. “Why do we always have to place limits on ourselves? Why can’t we fight for the things we want in life?”
            “That’s what you should have told Leo,” Don said with a hint of satisfaction. “You should have told him that you started this, that you pushed Raph into giving in to his base desires because you wanted them, and that you like it. You should have told Leo that your passions are a perfect match to Raph’s. Maybe then Leo wouldn’t feel he needed to protect you from getting hurt.”
            “Wouldn’t have mattered much to Raph,” Mikey said with a scowl.
            “You mean in the fight you had with him after arguing with Leo?” Don asked. “It didn’t require a rocket scientist to figure that one out, the events of that night pretty much spoke for themselves. Raph had to look for you because you became unreachable after your discussion with Leo. He found out what was said from Leo who probably chastised him, ergo Raph’s anger when he confronted you.”
            “You’re a little scary, Donny. Anyone ever tell you that?” Mikey asked, frowning.
            “Yes,” Don said, continuing as though he hadn’t been interrupted. “You were still agitated and rather than attempting to calm Raph as you’ve been doing in order to hang onto to what you’ve got, you lashed out. You told him what you wanted and that didn’t include keeping your relationship or your shared predilections a secret any longer. Raph blew up. But he wasn’t the one who ended it, was he?”
            “I did,” Mikey said, reminded of his misery. “Not my finest moment. Not my finest month for that matter.”
            “You meant it though, didn’t you?” Don asked, appearing to understand. “The secrecy was exciting at first, but you needed to know it had a deeper meaning.”
            “Master Splinter wanted me to realize that too,” Mikey said. “He kept giving me hints to look inside myself. All I could see was how awesome . . . um, doing stuff with Raph was.”
            “Sex,” Don said with the hint of a smile. “You can say the word without betraying Raph’s trust. I’ve already guessed it on my own. By the way, did you know there is a reward system in part of the brain? It’s one of the reasons we desire sex because that’s what keeps a species alive. I have a theory about yours.”
            “Of course you do,” Mikey said.
            “The medial forebrain muscle is a bundle that’s part of the reward system,” Don said, ignoring Mikey’s sarcasm. “It’s involved in integrating the reward and pleasure components of our brains. I think yours is wired differently, so that a certain amount of pain feels like pleasure when it’s supplied by someone who has already fired off your attraction receptors.”
            “So then I’m not messed up?” Mikey asked hopefully. “Like, it’s a physical problem, not a mental problem?”
            “It’s not a problem at all,” Don assured him. “You are perfectly normal. There are probably hundreds of thousands of people who derive pleasure from pain. As long as you know when to stop and trust that your partner does as well, it’s a completely healthy sexual activity. Raph would stop if you said to, wouldn’t he?”
            “Yes,” Mikey rushed to say. “Totally. He always makes sure it’s safe and reminds me how to stop whatever we’re trying.”
            “Then neither of you should feel any shame at what you’re doing,” Don said.
            “Raph does,” Mikey said. “That thing you said might have happened between him and Leo? It did, a long time ago. Leo freaked and said some things and they’ve been tormenting Raph ever since.”
            “Despite his sadistic tendencies, deep down Raph probably fears hurting a partner, no doubt because of the way he reacted to Leo,” Don said. “The difference is that he’s not and never has been attracted to Leo. What happened was a combination of hormones and anger. He’s probably shoved aside any hope of finding a partner or having a meaningful relationship because of that. Raph gave in to you because of his attraction and the fact that due to your strength, musculature, and flexibility he figures you can take whatever he can dish out. Discovering that you like pain made it even more acceptable because he didn’t have to worry about holding back. That and he trusts you.”
            “Not enough to open up to me,” Mikey said sadly. “Guess he thinks if he doesn’t do that he won’t get hurt.”
            “Or maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved,” Don said. “Someone should show him he does.”
            Mikey stared at his brother for a moment and then asked, “What are you doing exactly? Was all of this just to prove a theory? Raph walked in on us while you were pulling your stunt.”
            “How did that make you feel?” Don countered. “Are you afraid of what he’ll think? You’re the one who ended things with him.”
            “That doesn’t mean I want to rub anything in his face,” Mikey replied hotly. “I want things to go back to the way they were before we got together.”
            “It doesn’t work that way,” Don said. “You can’t turn off your memories and you can’t turn off your feelings.”
            “Raph did,” Mikey shot back.
            “Are you certain about that?” Don asked. “That’s not how it appeared to me when he saw me pinning you down.”
            “He turned around and walked out!” Mikey exclaimed. “It sure looked like he didn’t give a crap.”
            “But you do,” Don said calmly. “Your first instinct was to jump up and go after him to explain. I doubt you would have felt you needed to if you didn’t sense that he was distressed at seeing us in that position.”
            “I want to make it so he’s not reminded of what we used to do,” Mikey said. “What he saw didn’t help with that.”
            “Tiptoeing around his sensibilities isn’t going to help him,” Don said. “Raph keeps himself insulated to a certain degree; closed off from us. I tried to broach the subject with him once but he grew agitated and very angry with me.”
            Looking surprised, Mikey asked, “Raph got mad at you? He never gets mad at you.”
            “There are boundaries that even I can’t cross Mikey,” Don told him. “But you could.”
            Mikey shook his head in denial. “Nope, not me. I tried once and I’m done. If you’re trying to make Raph jealous, forget about it. Not gonna happen.”
            “I wasn’t trying to make him jealous,” Don said. “None of my words or actions are going to change Raph’s decisions to keep his feelings from being hurt by isolating them. He’s too obstinate. The only one with a chance of getting through to him is you Michelangelo. I did this to wake you up.”
            “Forget it,” Mikey said obdurately. “I’m going forward, not backwards. Raph had his chance.”
            “Deny it all you want,” Don said, “but I know what I saw in the way you reacted to the pained sound Raph made when he caught us. My little intervention had a side benefit of allowing Raph to confront what he feels for you. Take my advice and use his shock to your advantage. Don’t let this chance for that kind of love to slip away from you, Mikey.”
            “Now we’re just talking in circles,” Mikey said with a touch of frustration. “Whatever you think about it doesn’t matter anymore ‘cause Raph and me are done. Oh, and you can take down the cameras.”
            He sidestepped Donatello and strode towards the door. Mikey could hear Don coming after him and set his mouth in a grim line, determined not to address the topic anymore.
            As he neared the dojo entrance, Mikey heard the sound of raised voices. Moving faster, he exited into the lair and then stopped in his tracks at what he saw. Don likewise halted beside him.
            “I wasn’t disgusted by you or the sex thing!” Leonardo exclaimed, standing face to face with Raphael. “I was upset because you wanted to hurt me! How could I have deserved that much hatred from you after we’d been so close? How could you despise me so much?”
            “Because ya’ rubbed your fucking power in my face every chance ya’ got!” Raph roared back at him. “Not a day went by that ya’ didn’t take pleasure in reminding me that ya’ were the great and mighty leader! I was supposed to bow at your feet and admit I wasn’t as good as ya’!”
            “I’ve never said that to you,” Leo declared. “The only reason I’ve ever reminded you that I’m the leader is when you’ve behaved as though we aren’t a team!”
            “Ya’ carry that crap into our daily lives too ya’ prick!” Raph shouted. “Always trying to control everything, always telling me what I can and can’t do! Ya’ got no respect for me and ya’ never have! I’m done with this shit! Now everybody knows everything and ya’ can all be disgusted with me behind my shell ‘cause I ain’t sticking around. I’d rather not live here than see Mikey be with someone else!”
            Raph’s arms shot out, his palms connecting with Leo’s chest plates. The force of the blow lifted Leo off his feet and sent him flying backwards.
            Leo collided with an arm chair and both crashed to the ground. Even before Leo hit, Raph was moving, running at full speed for the exit.
            “Raphael, stop!” Master Splinter called out from the doorway to his room. “Come back and talk to me!”
            His voice didn’t even slow Raph down. In the blink of an eye, Raph disappeared.
            Side by side, Don and Mikey stared after him in stunned disbelief.
            “Well, I certainly didn’t foresee that happening,” Donatello said in an astonished tone.
TBC…………..
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The Pain Game