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The Pain Game	By : hummerhouse Category: +S through Z > Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Views: 4704 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.

Chapter List
- 1-The Pain Game
- 2-Part 2
- 3-Part 3
- 4-Part 4
- 5-Part 5
- 6-Part 6
- 7-Part 7
- 8-Part 8
- 9-Part 9
- 10-Part 10
- 11-Part 11
- 12-Part 12
- 13-Part 13
- 14-Part 14
- 15-Part 15
- 16-Part 16
- 17-Part 17
- 18-Part 18
- 19-Part 19
- 20-Part 20
- 21-Part 21
- 22-Part 22
- 23-Part 23
- 24-Part 24
- 25-Part 25
- 26-Part 26
- 27-Part 27
- 28-Part 28
- 29-Part 29
- 30-Part 30
- 31-Part 31
- 32-Part 32
- 33-Part 33
- 34-Part 34
- 35-Part 35
- 36-Part 36
- 37-Part 37
- 38-Part 38
- 39-Part 39 Final
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            The first thought that ran through Mikey’s mind was that they weren’t going to have to worry about Don’s ultimatum after all. Then he decided to try and brazen it out.
            “So I guess earlier when I said I didn’t need to talk, you thought that meant that I did?” Mikey asked lightly, hoping that his flippant attitude would end the discussion before it could begin.
            “You never said you didn’t need to talk,” Leo said, his determined expression resolute. “What you said was ‘maybe some other time’. It’s time Mike. Maybe past time. Don was with you in the garage and he said you didn’t fall. Did you think I wouldn’t ask him about it?”
            Mikey shrugged. “Why would I think about it at all? I’ve got some scratches, Leo. Call out the National Guard. It happened when I fell in the mud the other night. I didn’t want Master Splinter to know because he sent me out to get better at working in rainy conditions.”
            “Enough,” Leo snapped. “I’ve watched mysterious marks appear and disappear from your skin ever since the night we helped Nobody. The same night that Raphael bit you and you tried to hide that fact from me. I told you then that Raph has inner demons. That warning was so that you would step back and not be foolishly pressured into allowing his demons to have full reign over you.”
            “What makes you think I’m being pressured into doing anything?” Mikey asked, a touch of aggravation seeping past the nonchalant mask he was trying to maintain. “I do have a mind of my own you know, and it functions just fine.”
            “Then what is this? Curiosity? I asked you once if you were trying to play with Raph’s demons. I now think that you’re encouraging them,” Leo said. “You aren’t doing Raph any favors.”
            “Yeah? And I asked you why I should be afraid of my own brother. All you did was talk in circles instead of answering my question. I do distinctly remember you telling me that secrets weren’t such a great thing,” Mikey shot back.
            “Then let’s not have any,” Leo responded quickly.
            “That works both ways bro’,” Mikey said, crossing his arms defiantly. “You started it with the riddles about Raph’s demons, and trying to always be near us when we’re together, and staring at me all the time. If you have some kinda problem with me or with Raph, then spit it out.”
            “The problem I have is with you and Raph,” Leo said, “together.”
            A distinct chill ran down Mikey’s spine. He wasn’t prepared for the discussion Leo seemed to be forcing on him, but Mikey had foolishly ignored the warning signs that came from being left alone in the lair with his older brother.
            “Then wouldn’t it have made more sense to talk to us together?” Mikey asked. “That is if you think there’s something between us that’s any of your business.”
            “You have bruises, Mike. Bruises, and welts, and bite marks. During practice I’ve noticed the discoloration on your tail. If I have to worry about you trying to fight while injured then it is my business,” Leo stated adamantly.
            “Last time I checked, bruises never kept any of us from fighting,” Mikey pointed out. He was still holding onto the hope that Leo would drop the subject. “I know they’ve never stopped me.”
“I’m not as concerned about your physical health as I am about your mental health,” Leo said, his eyes nearly piercing Mikey.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mikey asked, wary at the shift in subject.
Leo’s lips pressed into a thin line before he opened his mouth to take a deep breath and release it. Mikey recognized that as Leo’s way of trying to decide how to phrase something.
“I know that Raph will never completely agree with me on everything,” Leo said. “None of you does, not even Don. But I also know that you’ll trust me to weigh my options and that what I decide we’re going to do is the best choice for us. I won’t get that from Raph. I’ve accepted that he can’t give that to me. There are parts of Raph that are walled off; parts that rebel at certain concepts. Fully trusting my decisions is one of those parts.”
“Okay,” Mikey acknowledged slowly. “What does that have to do with me?”
“What do you want from him, Mike? How important is it to you?” Leo asked adamantly. “Because if he can’t give that to you, it’s going to cause you a lot more pain than you’ll get from bites and bruises.”
Mikey frowned, not liking what Leo was alluding to. “Just ‘cause you have a sorry relationship with Raph doesn’t mean that the rest of us do. Maybe if you showed Raph that you trusted him, he’d be more trusting of you.”
“Is that why you’re giving him what he wants, so that he’ll trust you?” Leo asked. “How much will you take from him before you realize he’s not going to offer more of himself to you? What do you think will happen when you’ve finally worked up the courage to ask for something for yourself?”
“He’s my brother,” Mikey answered heatedly. “I’m not gonna put him down for being the way he is and I’m not gonna call him a monster because he has issues. It’s bad enough that the outside world calls us freaks without members of our own family calling each other names.”
Once those words were out, Mikey wished he could retract them. He saw a flash come and go in Leo’s eyes and knew that he’d confirmed something for his older brother that he’d meant to keep to himself.
“I don’t have to explain my motivations for doing certain things,” Leo said, “but I will if I think that’s what is necessary to keep members of my family from making mistakes. Raph loses control unless he has a good reason not to, a reason that bypasses that anger component of his brain. Understanding him is how I keep him safe.”
“You’re not trying to understand him, you’re trying to have power over him. You can’t keep doing that; he’ll never be whole and neither will you. Maybe you should meditate on a new way to connect with him instead of just threatening to always report everything to daddy,” Mikey said sarcastically. “You’re supposed to be a leader, not a tattle tale.”
“Keeping Master Splinter apprised of situational changes is part of my role as leader,” Leo said. “He’s still our father and I value his advice. Apparently so do you considering how much time you’ve spent talking to him lately. Was that an attempt at an end run around me, Mike? Do you think that you can ease Sensei into accepting your new relationship with Raph without actually telling him what that means?”
“It sure would suck if you couldn’t do something that you enjoyed,” Mike said, irked that Leo had figured out his plan regarding Master Splinter. “Something that relaxed you, that didn’t hurt anyone else and sure as shell wasn’t anyone else’s business.”
“So you’ve already pointed out,” Leo said. “Stressing that doesn’t make it a valid argument. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I care about both you and Raph? That maybe I don’t want either of you to be hurt? You’re quick to point out that I’m the leader and you’re right, I am. You don’t know what I have to deal with. It’s on me to keep Raph alive, no matter what it takes. Keeping him in line by any means necessary is for his own good.”
“And just maybe I have another way of doing that,” Mikey replied quickly, waving a hand for emphasis. “It might even be better for him than living in fear. If Raph wasn’t always worried about what the rest of his family thinks of him he would find some balance.”
“Do you think he’s with you because he’s looking for love?” Leo asked bluntly. “Raph has always been attracted to you Mike, and not in just a brotherly fashion. It was obvious from an early age that he liked to play rough and you let him. Don’t mistake that for true affection; Raph can’t give you that and he’ll hurt you, not just physically. He’ll break your heart.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mikey said angrily, pointing a finger at his brother.
“Don’t I?” Leo countered. “That bite mark on your collarbone indicated that Raph was thinking about breaking a pledge he made to me and I talked to him about it. Mikey, he has an addiction, plain and simple.”
Mikey remembered how he’d seen Leo and Raph in a deep discussion the day after Raph had first bitten him. Clearly Mikey hadn’t done as good a job of disguising or explaining away that bite as he thought he had.
All of his subsequent efforts to hide or disguise various marks had been futile with regards to covering up their activities from Leo’s prying eyes. At this point Mikey wasn’t even sure he’d fooled Don or Master Splinter either.
“That’s like saying Don is addicted to science,” Mikey countered. “Just because that’s what you want to think doesn’t make it true. The problem isn’t Raph or me, it’s you. Anything you don’t understand you try to label. If you can’t change it, you try to stomp on it. How’s that healthy?”
“You’re deflecting,” Leo said, his eyes narrowing. “You recognize the honesty in what I’ve said about Raph and you’re trying to turn the conversation back to me. Have you already told him what you want and been rebuffed?”
Hearing Leo say that hurt almost as bad as when Raph had said he wouldn’t fight for what they had. Mikey hadn’t wanted to believe that, but now Leo was saying it too.
“That is so not fair,” Mikey said, as much to himself as to Leo.
His brother reached out to grip Mikey’s forearm. “I’m not trying to manipulate either of you,” Leo said. “I’ve been upfront with Raph in telling him that his actions have consequences. That’s all I’m trying to explain to you as well. Raph found a balance that worked for him and that kept his demons at bay. Let him go back to that.”
Mikey looked down at Leo’s hand. It wasn’t as large as Raph’s and the touch didn’t have the same warmth. That warmth couldn’t have been something that Mikey was imagining to be there.
Leo didn’t know about the secret room. He didn’t know that Raph had not found a balance and that he had needs that were eating him alive. Leo didn’t know everything.
“You don’t know everything,” Mikey repeated aloud. “You want to, Leo. Maybe you even need to and ‘cause this thing between me and Raph is something you can’t wrap your head around, so you’ve decided to condemn it as bad. It’s not bad though and just because you keep saying it is doesn’t make it so.”
He tried to pull his arm away but Leo’s grip was strong. “Don’t be naïve,” Leo urged, clearly frustrated. “I’m sorry but there are things about what we can and can’t have that we must accept. We’re mutants and the only ones of our kind. I get that, Mikey. It’s a painful realization to face and trying to find ways around that is easier. Letting Raph abuse you isn’t going to get you what you want.”
“Are you sure you’re not the same as him, Leo?” Mikey asked, pointedly glancing down at Leo’s hand on his arm. “Maybe you’re addicted to power. Is that why you worked so hard to be chosen as leader?” He tugged at Leo’s hold to no avail. “You’re leaving a bruise, thought you hated those. Do you want to explain it to Raph after he sees it? Want to tell him we were only talking?”
Leo released him and Mikey stepped back, putting distance between them. He could tell from Leo’s expression that his brother wasn’t quitting, he’d argue this with Mikey all night if he had to in order to change Mikey’s mind.
Mikey didn’t want his mind changed. He wanted the truth and Leo wasn’t the one to give it to him.
“Do you need me to talk to Raph for you?” Leo queried softly. “Are you afraid of what he might do? That he might cause you serious injury if you call things off?”
“I’m not afraid of him!” Mikey shouted, exasperated that Leo couldn’t see that. “I’ve never been afraid of him! I’m the only one who has never feared Raph!”
“Not even when he almost bashed your head in?” Leo asked.
“No. Uh-uh. You don’t get to go there,” Mikey said, more pissed off than he’d ever been at his oldest brother. “You can’t claim that you aren’t trying to manipulate me or Raph and then bring up ancient history. Saying stuff like that doesn’t help anyone grow, it keeps them under your feet.”
“Acting like a spoiled kid who can’t get what he wants isn’t growth,” Leo snapped. “If you don’t learn from past mistakes you’re destined to repeat them.”
“Are you gonna build your entire future with Raph based on two past events?” Mikey asked incredulously. “How’s that giving him any kind of a chance? You’re assuming that’s all there is to him. Raging hormones explains what happened between you two and frustration was the only thing the matter with him that day he threatened to bean me with a pipe. You don’t get to hold that against him for his whole life.”
“Is this thing you’re doing with Raph raging hormones too? He hurts you to get his kicks. You’re letting him cause you pain so that he can relieve his sexual frustration. That might make him mellower but you’re not getting anything in return and you never will!” Leo exclaimed.
Having Leo say that out loud tweaked Mikey’s panic button. This was exactly what Raph hadn’t wanted to have happen. It was the reason that Raph had told him to keep his mouth shut.
“Wow, can’t believe your mind went there,” Mikey said, trying to look disgusted. “Raph likes to push me around and right away you think . . . .”
“Drop it,” Leo interrupted curtly. “I was on the receiving end of one of Raph’s attacks, I know exactly what happens to him. I wouldn’t let him have his way with me so now he’s trying it with you. And succeeding by the look of things.”
Mikey’s heart had been pumping wildly since he and Leo had started to talk, but now it thumped painfully in his chest. Was this the clue to Raph’s behavior that Mikey had been missing all along?
“He’s not doing stuff to me just because he can,” Mikey insisted, though the words began to feel like a lie. “He’s not. Maybe I like it too, did you ever think of that? Maybe Raph and I were meant to connect this way. I’m not a substitute.”
“The fact that you’re this defensive makes me wonder if you truly believe that,” Leo said gently.
“Shut up!” Mikey yelled. “I don’t want to talk to you about this. Butt out!”
Mikey began to back away and Leo followed, not allowing the space between them to grow.
“Raph will get what he needs from whoever will give it to him,” Leo said, pressing his advantage. “That’s what addicts do. He’ll let you believe what you want to believe, he’ll say things he thinks you want to hear, and he’ll demand that you keep secrets from your family. He will bring you a great deal of pain in the end, Mikey. Please help me put a stop to this.”
It felt like Mikey’s throat was closing and he couldn’t breathe. If Leo was right, then Raph was just using him.
“This is not a game,” Mikey said, staring icily at Leo. “Raph’s not playing some game with me, I know him.”
“Do you really?” Leo asked. “Or is that what you tell yourself to rationalize allowing Raph to do as he pleases with you? Is that why you’ve been avoiding him for the last couple of days?”
Mikey couldn’t look at Leo anymore, he needed to think. “I . . . I can’t stay here right now. I’ve gotta clear my head.”
He bolted, darting past Leo and out of the lair. Leo called out to him but the words were indistinct because Mikey was moving too fast.
Images were jumbling for attention inside Mikey’s head and it started to feel like it was going to explode. Leo’s explanations made Mikey see things that Raph had done and said in a different light and he couldn’t shrug off the uncomfortable feeling that gave him.
Though he was moving fast and was sure that Leo hadn’t come after him, Mikey could only think of one place he wanted to go and he couldn’t risk anyone following him there. He knew it wasn’t the smartest thing he could do, but concerns about his own personal safety weren’t at the top of his list at the moment.
Taking his shell cell out of his belt, Mikey threw it far down a nearby side tunnel, hearing the splash as it hit water. Even though Don had designed them to be waterproof, he still grimaced at the sound but made no move to retrieve it. He didn’t much care if Don got mad at him.
Racing on, Mikey escaped to the streets and then back down into the tunnels when he was near the secret room. He tried not to think of anything other than avoiding being seen, which was easier to do under cover of falling rain. The predictions had been right; there had been a short dry spell in the afternoon but nightfall had signaled the beginning of another bout of precipitation.
Once Mikey was inside the room with the door closed behind him he paused, unsure as to what had driven him to come there. He made a slow circuit around the room, waiting for something to provide him with answers, but other than the table and chairs, it all looked very impersonal.
Finally he pulled out one of the chairs and sank down onto it. Mikey’s eyes landed on the bed and he stared at it, wondering how it would feel to wake up next to Raph. To wake up to the warmth of Raph’s arms around him, holding him close. Was that just another of those daydreams his brothers were always teasing him about having? Was Leo right that Mikey was hoping for the impossible?
With a pained sigh, Mikey folded his arms on the table and lowered his head onto them. Leo’s words to him were confusing and made Mikey question things he’d been so sure about before. He’d thought that giving in to his desires and allowing Raph to assuage his as well was good for both of them because of the idealized notion that what they had would grow from there.
For Mikey it had; he’d developed deeper feelings for Raph. When Raph didn’t seem to share them, Mikey figured it was because Raph’s prior experience with Leo made him cautious. Expecting that their emotional attachment would advance at the same speed wasn’t realistic, Mikey had told himself. Now after talking to Leo, Mikey wondered if expecting Raph to have an emotional attachment at all was what was truly unrealistic.
Mikey wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there when he heard the key turn in the lock and the door open. He lifted his head slowly to see Raph standing there staring at him.
“Knew I’d find ya’ here,” Raph said, hitting the door with his fist hard enough to shut it with a resounding bang.
Rising from the chair, Mikey asked, “How did you know I even left the lair? You were at Casey’s.”
“I was having a good time too, until Leo called me,” Raph said gruffly, looking none too pleased. “Seems he got worried when ya’ stomped out of the lair and didn’t come back, so he tried to call your shell cell. Ya’ didn’t answer so he interrupted Don’s night out too and asked the genius to track your signal. In case ya’ wanted to know, Don’s pissed ya’ threw your cell into water. He had to get wet to retrieve it.”
“Figured he would be,” Mikey said, not really caring. “Then Leo called you and asked if I was hanging with you and Casey. You covered for me and said I was and then high tailed it over here. Big deal.”
“Yeah it’s a big fucking deal,” Raph huffed, his eyes blazing. “I did not cover for your stupid ass ‘cause I didn’t know what the hell was going on. As soon as Leo found out you weren’t at Casey’s he lit into me about that little talk the two of you had and said it was my fault that ya’ were so messed up. I told him to chill and that I’d find ya’ and that he shouldn’t assume anything from stuff ya’ might have said. Then I hung up on him and left my cell at Casey’s so I could come find ya’.”
“So now you’re pissed,” Mikey said, glaring back at Raph. “I guess you thought this charade was going to last forever.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Raph shouted at him. “Of course it was supposed to last because it was supposed to be a damn secret!”
“I didn’t tell Leo anything!” Mikey yelled. He stepped away from the table so that he could face Raph head on. “He’s been on me like a second skin since the night you first bit me. Every mark you left on me he’s seen; it didn’t matter what I did to cover them up. He knew what those marks meant too, thanks to what happened between the two of you.”
“Ya’ said ya’ could cover them or explain them away,” Raph growled. “Ya’ wanted me so bad ya’ swore ya’ could fix things so that no one would be suspicious. Why the hell didn’t ya’ walk away from Leo? Ain’t ya’ got brains enough to know what he might do?”
“Why did that have to be on me?” Mikey asked. “Why was it my responsibility alone? Didn’t you want this enough to help me make it work?”
“Not enough to risk everything!” Raph bellowed. “Ya’ live in some damn fantasy world with a white picket fence and this kind of shit.” He pointed at the table and chairs. “Make yourself at home, everything’s normal. It ain’t fucking normal!”
Spinning, Raph kicked one of the chairs and sent it flying against the bar where it smashed into pieces. Mikey stared at it, dumbfounded by Raph’s ferocity before growing very angry.
“I think Leo was right,” Mikey said bitterly. “Inflicting pain is your addiction and the fact that I get off on it is enabling you. That’s as deep as it goes for you, isn’t it?”
“I told ya’ that from the beginning,” Raph said. “Don’t start trying to lay guilt on me. This is about sex, not falling in love. Stop pretending to yourself that it’s ever gonna be more.”
“Did Leo damage you that badly?” Mikey asked. “Do you think that if you never open yourself up completely you won’t be hurt? Do you hold Leo’s opinion in such high regard that you let him make you believe you’re too screwed up to deserve to be loved?”
“Grow up!” Raph roared. “Leave Leo out of it, he wasn’t supposed to know anything about us in the first place!”
Mikey was feeling ugly and in no mood to be sensitive. “How can I leave Leo out of it when everything’s centered on him? You want to know what I think, Raph? I think you’ve been using me as a surrogate for Leo. Your kink first showed up with him but he flat turned you down. Maybe you want Leo, maybe you’ve always wanted him, but you settled for me ‘cause you figured I’d be a pushover and let you do whatever you felt like. I’ll bet you wouldn’t keep fighting Leo all the time if he felt anything for you.”
Raph’s fist shot out so quickly that Mikey didn’t even see the blow coming. It connected squarely with his jaw and rocked Mikey back on his heels. Reacting without conscious thought, Mikey threw a punch of his own, bruising his knuckles on Raph’s jawline.
“Ya’ little son of a bitch,” Raph snarled.
Before his brother could do anything else, Mikey snatched the room key from his belt and threw it at Raph.
“There’s your key. Shove it where the sun don’t shine ‘cause we’re through,” Mikey retorted before storming out of the room.
Mikey didn’t remember anything about his return run home. He was fuming mad and hurt, and on top of that, he felt abused. A distinct sense of betrayal lingered just below the blanket of his anger and he wasn’t sure if that was because he felt that Raph had misled him or that he’d deceived himself.
Recognizing where he was just before he entered the lair, Mikey braced himself, preparing to meet a hostile Leo and irritated Donny. It was a minor shock to discover that neither of them was in sight and Mikey decided to go straight to his room before they discovered he was home.
Stepping into his room, Mikey closed the door before going to flick on his bedside lamp. He lowered himself onto the edge of his bed and rubbed wearily at his eyes, certain that he wasn’t going to get any sleep.
A faint rustle of cloth startled him and Mikey’s head jerked around to a corner of his room. Master Splinter stood there.
“It seems we have much to discuss, Michelangelo.”
TBC……..
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The Pain Game