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Virgin on the Edge of Extinction	By : AnonyMPC Category: +G through L > Gravity Falls Views: 7644 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls, nor the characters from it, Disney does. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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DISPLAY: Club 33 Logo

VOICE-OVER: Now, back to a Club 33 exclusive episode of "Gravity Falls!"
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Grenda was the first to speak up. "Wow, Mabel. You know Lil' Gideon?"
It was in the tabloids once, so she assumed both her friends already knew. But it was before she met them. And she'd never liked to talk about him, the creep was disgusting. Gideon, though, wouldn't shut up about it. "Know me? Why, I'm Mabel's ex-boyfriend!"
Mabel left Randy's side and stalked up to Gideon, poked him in the chest, and said, "I was never your girlfriend."
He giggled. "Semantics. We went out on dates. I paid. You were either my girlfriend or a dirty little tease."
It was a false choice, and, instead of choosing one or the other, she just asked, "What do you want, Gideon?"
"What do I want?" he asked innocently. "Oh, you know, peace on Earth, to win the Gravity Falls Chili Cook-off, and... oh yes, revenge on all of my enemies." At the last, his expression turned dark, like he was drilling murder into Mabel's eyes. Then he suddenly laughed, and said, "But right now, I'm here about your unicorn." He looked back and forth. "Where is the cute little beast?"
Mabel looked back. Randy was in plain sight, between Candy and Grenda. If Gideon didn't see him, that meant... "Wait... you're not a virgin?" She pushed him, with the force of a playful punch, but it wasn't meant that way. "You?!" Her mouth hung open in shock... it was like she was unable to process the revelation. He was, like, nine!
"Of course not," Gideon snapped at her in a whisper. His face turned angelic again, and he said, "Momma never could say 'no' to this face..." It went dark again... it was amazing how quickly he could go back and forth. "Especially after I found that amulet."
Mabel managed to regain her composure with a shake of her head. "Well then you're out of luck. Only virgins can see unicorns."
"I know that, but that doesn't mean I can't touch him if you help me. Bring him here."
"I don't think so..." Mabel said, and then got worried about the way she couldn't see his hands. "Wait, what do you have behind your back?"
She tried to look, but he bobbed and weaved, always keeping out of her sight. "You're so suspicious, Mabel. I just want to pet the little fellow."
She looked back, and, to her surprise, the unicorn was clopping towards them. "No, Randy, stay back," she said, waving her arms to get his attention.
"A-ha!" Gideon exclaimed. "So he's over there, is he?" He finally pulled out what he was hiding... a lasso, which he began to whirl above his head. He threw it... the rope landed a few feet to the right, but Gideon reeled it back in and began to whirl it again. His eyes widened as he looked at the grass at Randy's feet. "Hoof prints! Now I've got you." This time, the lasso landed around Randy's neck, and then snagged tight. Randy neighed and tried to draw back, but Gideon held it fast. "Come to Gideon..."
"Let him go!" Mabel shouted, and tried to shove Gideon, but suddenly he had a strange black object in his hands, like a large remote control, and when the edge of it struck Mabel, her whole body seemed to go all fuzzy with extreme pain and her vision blurred. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground, gasping, and Gideon was still standing and reeling in Randy.
"Hey! Don't taze her, bro!" boomed Grenda's voice and Mabel managed to turn her head as the girl charged the little twerp. He held out the tazer defensively, but it couldn't help much... a big girl like Grenda doesn't just stop moving when she's been electrocuted... even if she wanted to. She slammed into Lil' Gideon before she even felt the pain, and then landed on top of him.
Mabel's muscles still felt like jelly, but Gideon had let go of the rope, which meant that Randy was free to come over to her. Randy dropped his head down and tapped Mabel with his horn. Instantly, she felt better, the pain disappearing, and pulled herself to her feet. Her hair was all frizzy now.
Gideon remained pinned beneath Grenda, who seemed dazed herself. The little boy grunted and groaned as he struggled to pull himself out. "Get off me you lesbian leviathan!" He then glared at Mabel, and added, "I will have your unicorn, one way or the other..."
"Why do you even want him, if you can't see him?" She took Randy over to Grenda and let him touch the girl, reviving her in much the same way she did him. The large girl sat up, straddling Gideon between her powerful thighs and holding him down with one hand.
"The horn, you fool... with a unicorn's horn I can create the most powerful magic wand in the world!" He glared at her through narrowed slits through his eyes. "And I can share that power with you. He trusts you... if you give me the horn, you can have the rest."
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but Randy's very attached to his horn." She stroked his side and grinned at Candy who had come to stand beside her. "Get it? Attached?" Candy nodded vigorously.
"Think about it Mabel. Every part of a unicorn is magic. Their blood grants super-strength. Want to make somebody fall in love with you? A rope woven of unicorn hair will bind them to you forever. You can render their body down into a magical glue that you can inhale and be transported to another world! And you wouldn't even believe what ground up unicorn penis does for you!"
Mabel stared at him for a moment and said, "You are one sick puppy, Gideon."
Grenda punched him in the nose, hard, making it bleed. "No hurting Randy!" The unicorn, seemingly holding no grudge against the little freak who tried to abduct him, touched him with a horn and the bruise was healed instantly. "No Randy, he deserves it!" Grenda punched again, and Randy healed it again. This went on several more times before Grenda finally sighed and gave up. "Fine. No more punching. I'll hold him here," she said to Mabel. "You two get Randy to safety."
Mabel nodded. "Thanks, Grenda!" She climbed up on Randy's back and Candy ran up with the now nearly empty bag of cheese snacks. The asian girl held one of the snacks out to get Randy's attention and he started in that direction, away from the library and into the trees.
"There is no safety," Gideon called after them. "The unicorn's already bonded with you, Mabel... and you can't sleep forever. Sooner or later I'll take him from you... and then you'll wish you cooperated!"
Grenda punched him again, and this time, Randy wasn't around to set it right. "Stop doing that!"
As she rode away, Mabel heard Grenda punch him one more time and say, "Stop being evil!"
***
Soos pulled up to the brown and white building with the glitzy pink neon lights. "The Moe Bius Strip Club" was written in those lights, along with outlines of the female form in poses that were just shy of being pornographic. Some were animated, dancing back and forth between two frames so it looked like they were wiggling their hips or bending over. "So this is it," he said, leaning forward to look up at the sign through the front windshield. He'd seen the place from the distance, but this was as close as he'd dare get.
"Yeah, this is it," Stan said without much interest. "You've never been here before?"
"No, I do most of my drinking at home."
Stan grunted. "Good."
"So, do we just... go in?"
"Not quite yet. First we need to get you dressed up right." He reached behind him and picked up a hat. "This is the official 'Employee of the Month' hat, and sunglasses. And wear this T-Shirt." He didn't see the hat before it was put on his head, but the shirt said "InTheVIPRoom.Internet" and looked like it was written on by a sharpie. He put them all on, hesitantly, but eager to please, and then checked himself in the mirror. "None of this says 'Employee of the Month'," Soos pointed out. The hat said "casting director." The sunglasses didn't say anything at all, but kept his eyes from being visible.
"I got them on sale. It's the thought that counts, right?"
"I... guess."
"Let's go. Now, I've been here before, so let me do most of the talking. In fact, you don't say anything at all. If anybody asks you anything, just follow my lead, got it?" Soos nodded, a little uncertain. "Don't worry, you're going get so much tail, by the end of the night your balls will be raisins."
Stan got out of the car and walked on ahead towards the door, while Soos looked into his own reflection and said, "I think there's more going on here than your Employee of the Month party, Mirror-dood."
***
Dipper was driving the Mystery Cart on a path through the woods, the shortest mapped path that lead to the Quivering Crevice, when suddenly he saw his sister up ahead. Darkness had started to fall, so he only saw her when the headlights flew over her, and he hit the brakes just before he drove past. "Mabel!"
She had Randy behind her, and seemed to be trying to push him back towards the trees. When she saw her brother, she broke out in a relieved smile. "Dipper! I need your help!"
"Okay, but I need yours, first. Can you come with me to Climax Point?"
"What?"
"I need to borrow Randy, but he only seems to follow you, so, what do you say?"
"Randy following me IS the problem. I need it to stop! I'm trying to get him to stay in the woods, but he won't stay put."
"What? Why?"
"Gideon found out I have a unicorn. He wants to make a magic wand! He's going to cut off Randy's head and probably his penis too."
Dipper had an instinctive wince at that. Kill him if you must, but leave the penis alone, it was the guy code. He would have to help Mabel, of course... but he didn't necessarily have to do it right away. "Okay, we'll try to take Randy back where we found him. But I need him first..." He decided to explain his plan. "See, since Robbie can see Randy and Wendy can't, I thought we could use him to make her think he's crazy! And then she won't sleep with him!" Saying it out loud got him pretty pumped. It seemed like a perfect plan.
Mabel just stared at him. Of course, she had other things on her mind, that was understandable. But then she kept staring. "Dipper," she said wearily, with a little bit of sadness. "They started their date hours ago. What makes you think she hasn't already done it with him?"
"Because..." he started, sure he'd come up with a reason before he finished getting the word out, but nothing came. There was a flaw in his plan, more like a big gaping hole, and he missed it the whole time. He had to say something though, so he finished with, "Wendy's not that kind of girl?" It sounded hollow, even to him.
"Dipper," she said again. "I really need your help. Gideon could come after Randy again at any time. What if he comes when we're asleep and I can't protect him?" Her lip trembled. "But if a small chance at making sure Wendy doesn't sleep with ANOTHER guy is that important to you, we can do that..."
She always did this... she gave in, let him make the decision, but in a way that it was always clear what the right choice was. And he couldn't refuse her... especially when she was right. Wendy was just a stupid crush... he knew it. It didn't make his feelings any less intense, but he knew they'd never be together, deep down. "Okay," he said. "Let's go take Randy back where we found him."
He took Mabel's hand and walked with her to back to the cart, and they got inside and he tried not to think about Robbie losing his virginity.
***
Without Stan's map, they couldn't find the exact place they found Randy... instead, Dipper eventually settled for another spot deep in the forest.
"I don't know," Mabel said with a worried shake of her head as she hugged Randy one last time, or so she hoped. "I tried leaving him in the woods before, and he followed me out. I even left the bag of Cheesy Sluts behind for him to eat, but he came after me instead."
Dipper looked a little hesitant, but his voice projected that false confidence Mabel sometimes heard in it, when he wasn't sure but he wanted her to think he was. "You were walking, we'll be driving back, at full speed. He won't be able to follow us."
This time, she wasn't buying it. "But what if he does? What do we do then?"
"I... I don't know, Mabel, but we'll think of something."
"Isn't there something? Something in the book?"
"There is one thing, but..." he wouldn't look at her. Mabel could tell he didn't want to have to say it.
"What?"
"You're not going to like it." With one hand, he rubbed the back of his neck, but Mabel's penetrating stare must have gotten to him. "He got attached to you because you were a virgin, so... maybe if that wasn't a problem anymore...?"
Her eyes shot wide open. He wasn't seriously suggesting what she thought he was... was he? "You mean...?"
"I mean it's a little crazy... but I have an idea... I think we can make it work." Her heart pounded beneath her sweater. They could make it work. "But only as a last resort. I'm sure this will work. Come on, now let's go."
She nodded, got off her knees, and climbed into the Mystery Cart with her brother beside her, mind still racing with the possibilities. It wouldn't be wrong if it was for a good cause, right? And what better cause than saving a unicorn? As Dipper started the cart, Mabel took one last look back at Randy, who was staring at her with those big unicorn eyes. She raised her hand to wave goodbye, but, without fully intending to, found her hands curling in a beckoning motion instead. When she noticed it, she felt guilty, but didn't stop. Come on Randy, she thought. Follow us just one more time.
***
Stan led Soos through the dimly lit strip club, towards a bar. Unlike most strip joints, which had the dancers on a central stage, Moe Bius' club had the stage along the outer walls, all to satisfy his absurd requirement of "no action on the backside." The women were beautiful, though, some of the hottest in any strip club he'd seen. Four were dancing now, topless in G-strings, as audiences tossed money, although they almost never turned their backs to the audience, and others worked the crowd.
Soos stared at them, buck-toothed mouth open like he'd never seen anything like it before. If he wasn't wearing his dark glasses, Stan guessed his eyes would probably look like they were bulging out of his head. It was embarrassing how he gaped... you'd think the guy never got laid before.
Once they reached the bar, he put down some of the money he got from the teens and bought an overpriced beer for Soos and a Gin and Tonic for himself. "Where's Moe these days?" he asked the bartender.
The bartender nodded towards the corner office. Stan took a sip, and then said to Soos, "Wait here," and sauntered off towards the office door.
A high-pitched, almost girly voice came from inside. It wasn't Moe... nor was it one of his girls, it was a guy. The door was open just enough to see a bald head. "No, no, I can't do her..."
"Come on, I'm giving you the good shit here, you've got to work with me." That was Moe, his deep, almost sleepy sounding voice fitting his age. "How about Mrs. Northwest?"
"No!" came the voice. "It would alter too much of the area's history. And besides, in a few years you'll be hiring me to come back here and work on her daughter. Getting her mother too would create too much of a paradox. The space-time continuum could rip apart!"
"Her daughter, huh? Do I know her?"
"Pacifica." A new voice, this time, Stan figured it was probably Moe's over-eager son. "She's already got nice little titties. Wish I could be the one to molest her."
"No, you don't," Moe said. "You'll just get yourself arrested. Blendin knows just how to do it to give us a willing barely girl with no self-esteem, ready to put out for customers and we keep our hands clean. I shouldn't even know about it until it's safely in the past."
"It will be in the past," the mysterious stranger promised. "You had a Carnival a while back? I have to check on some anomalies there after I'm done here, and that should be a perfect time to make my first move on her. Or to have made my move on her. And maybe I'll have eaten a corndog."
"Fine, fine," Moe said. "But I still want one more girl. How about the brown girl who worked at the Summerween store?"
"She might work. I'll try, after I deal with Pacifica... but now I really have to go, the Time Anomaly Removal Crew will notice I'm missing, and I need my payment." He sounded really nervous, and looked back towards the door as though expecting somebody to come through it at any moment. Stan scampered back towards the bar so he wouldn't be caught eavesdropping.
The man, Blendin, came out of the office, carrying a small plastic bag, and Stan got a good look at him for the first time. He looked familiar, but Stan's memory was going. The guy talked like a crazy person, but Moe had apparently given him something valuable. Stan got a little gleam in his eye and pulled his black eye-patch on. He wasn't here for petty theft, but he couldn't resist it. So he tried an old scam. He waited until Blendin was about to pass him, and then stumbled slightly and spilled his drink. It got all over his wristwatch, and, to Stan's surprise, the device started sparking everywhere. Too many things in this town shot off blue lightning.
"You fool!" Blendin whined. "You've damaged my camouflage suit control unit!"
"Sorry, sorry," Stan said, not really feeling it, and casually patted the man down with one hand while, with the other, opened the bag Blendin held and pulled out a handful of whatever was inside. It was soft and didn't feel like money, or precious metals or gemstones, but he couldn't afford to look at it just then.
"But I'm on an unauthorized assignment, I can't file for a repair order!" He seemed on the verge of panic.
"Put some club soda on it, and it'll be fine." He'd stopped caring, and moved off, only looking back to see the man, trembling, head towards the door. "Ha, sucker!" Stan said, and looked at what he had in his hand. There was nothing valuable, just individually wrapped... "Baby-wipes? What a weirdo!" Shaking off that disappointment, Stan approached the door again. Blendin had closed it after leaving, but Stan could still hear inside.
"So, what happens, does everything just snap and suddenly she's working for us?" That was the kid.
"No, no, the guy's an expert. He doesn't make big changes, he nudges the girls just right so that, sometime a few days after I make a request, the girls decide to take up stripping."
"By diddling them in the past?"
"Yeah. He's got some way to appear as a trusted relative or friend, too, with his suit, and so he hits them again and again at key points in their pasts. So it's not like all my girls remember getting felt up by a chubby bald guy, they just remember only being valued for their body. He's like my goddamn golden goose. And years from now, when you take over, he'll be yours."
"What's up with the baby wipes though?"
"They're supposed to be more valuable than gold in the future, at least on the black market. I've got a truckload buried in the woods. I don't know, maybe giant babies take over or something." The father and son started laughing... father first, but the son joined in obsequiously.
Stan didn't care about whatever they were so obsessed about. He had his own business to attend to. So he waited a few seconds to make sure it didn't seem like he was eavesdropping, which he was, and then rapped sharply on the door. "Anybody home?"
A short, rotund young man opened the door, and behind him, finally Stan could see Moe Bius. His voice was strong, but his body was misshapen, with a twist in his spine that made it look like he was perpetually turning around to see you. He had to walk with a cane. "Stan Pines!" the man said with false cheer. "You old son of a bitch. I knew you couldn't stay away forever." The hand that held the cane was swollen and gnarly, and completely unadorned. Good, that meant Stan's information was accurate.
"I wasn't staying away," Stan grumbled, stepping inside. "I was just giving your girls some time to rest up." Though he was staying away. They'd had a fight last time, and he literally couldn't even remember what it was about, but he did remember swearing he'd never come back. So the best thing to do was pretend he never said it. It was the way they'd been for years, either Stan would swear never to come back, or Moe would ban him from the club, and it would last until they'd forgotten whatever it was. Stan tried not to look guilty, but more importantly, he tried not to look like he was inspecting every inch of the office.
"You remember my son, Moe Junior."
The name offended the chubby young man. "Dad!" he whined. "I asked you to call me 'Klein' in front of others." He did some weird pose, like he was a wannabe gangster.
Moe Senior rolled his eyes towards Stan. "Kids today and their nicknames. I think he got it off his underwear." He and Stan shared a laugh at that, while the younger man looked put out. "Why don't you wait outside, Junior?" The kid pursed his lips, but wandered out and closed the door behind him. "I'm trying to teach him the business, so one day he can take it over... but the kid already thinks he knows it all."
"That's kids for you," Stan said. "I've got a niece staying at my place, thought she could run the Shack better than me."
"That's ridiculous. I can't think of anybody who'd be better at running the place... into the ground!" he laughed, and Stan glowered. "So what brings you to my office? Normally you go straight to trying to cheat the girls."
Stan got mock-offended. He was proud of being a stingy, conniving bastard. "Cheat? I treat those girls better than you!"
"Paying them in change?"
"For their benefit! Show me a girl who doesn't secretly enjoy a roll of nickels shoved up their twat, and I'll show you a lesbian." Though he usually used rolls of pennies. Two dollars was a lot to tip a girl, he preferred to show his appreciation in 50 cent increments.
"Dollar bills on a string so you can steal 'em back when they've moved on?"
He didn't think Moe'd caught on to that one yet. "Yeah, well, I gotta save money somehow, you water down the drinks. I just had a Gin and Tonic that was mostly tonic. And right about now, it's mostly urine!"
Moe ignored the complaint about the drinks. "What do you want?"
"I've got a business opportunity..." He walked to the door and waited for Moe to catch up, and then pointed out Soos, who was still at the bar, watching the girls, but awkwardly. "See that guy? He's the scout for one of those big Interweb porn sites. They film strippers doing guys in the private rooms, and they're looking for something in Oregon. If he chooses your place, it's cash in your pocket and free advertising for life. I figure, you take him out back, show him a very good time, get him to film in your place, and we split the payment fifty-fifty. Huh? Huh?"
He stared Stan down. "Ninety-ten."
Cheap bastard. One of the few things he respected about him. "Sixty-forty." Even if it was bullshit, he wouldn't be caught dead not haggling.
"Eighty-twenty. Final offer."
Stan glared. "Fine. But I get to drink free the rest of the night."
"Deal." They shook hands, and walked out to the floor, where Soos was waiting.
"Moe Bius," Stan said. "I'd like you to meet Barry Myrod." He caught Soos' eye and rapidly added, "You're Barry, because that's your name," staring him down in the hopes he'd get it. He tried briefing him while they waited to be let in by the bouncers, but with Soos, you never knew how much was going to take.
Moe squinted at Soos. "Do I know you from somewhere?"
"From porn," Stan, said, racing through the words to try and discourage any potential recognition. Moe had almost never come out to the Mystery Shack, which was why he decided to use his handyman for this. "You know him from porn." He patted Soos on the back and said, "Moe here's going to take you, Barry, to a private room, where you can sample his best girls. Take your time, really wear them out, and then make your decision. And you," he said to Moe, "should watch, make sure he doesn't try to lure your girls away to film someplace else."
Soos had a lost look on his face. "But..."
"Don't worry, everything's covered. I promised you a good time, didn't I? Go and have a blast. I'm going to have some free drinks."
Moe Bius pulled Soos by the shirt towards a door at the other side of the club. Along the way, he pointed to various girls who weren't performing, choosing several. "Electra, Gumdrops, Easy, Lady Bi, Beth... with me." There were still plenty left over, working the regular customers, getting overpriced drinks bought for them. Moe Bius really did have a large assortment of hot girls, which was why the place thrived despite his stupid 'no ass' rule.
Stan watched them go, then sat at the bar and got another Gin and Tonic. When they passed through the door to the private rooms, he eyed the door to Moe's office. Not yet... not yet. But soon.
***
Dipper waited on the wooden steps that lead to the Mystery Shack's gift shop door, his sister beside him, eyes on the woods. He shouldn't have mentioned it. She must have taken it the wrong way, she had barely said two words to him since they left Randy.
Then again, maybe she was just worried. He spared another glance her way... she had her elbows resting on her knees, and her hands supported her cheeks. She looked glum... Dipper guessed she had gotten really attached to that horse. So he cautiously stretched out an arm and put it around her, giving her a sideways hug. She flinched for a second when his hand touched the opposite shoulder, but then leaned into it. "It'll be okay, Mabel. He's probably better off out there. He'll be safe."
"I know," she said. "I'm just disappointed."
He kissed her forehead. "I am too." He wasn't as excited about the unicorn as she was, but it was still cool to have one, and seeing his sister happy always gave him a warm feeling.
"You are?"
"Of course. It was nice to have something magical around that wasn't trying to molest or kill us for once." Even the Manotaurs got a little grabby. "And I liked Randy. Without him, I'd still have a skinned knee!"
Mabel smiled faintly and held up one hand. "Yeah. And who's going to cure my Orange Plague now?" She wiggled her fingers around... there was still had cheese dust residue on them from while she was trying to lure Randy to stay in the woods.
On impulse Dipper opened his mouth and closed his lips around one of her fingers. His tongue swirled around the digit, tasting cheese, and provoking a squeal of surprised from Mabel. "Dipper!" He continued sucking on the finger while Mabel laughed. "That tickles!"
It was only then that he realized that what he was doing was, when you thought about it, really weird. He'd just meant to do something silly and cheer her up, but... that was a little TOO silly. You don't suck your sister's fingers. What would Wendy think if she saw that? And so he pulled off, and convinced himself that what seemed like glee from his sister was probably just surprise at the ticklish feeling. "Sorry," he said, blushing.
She blushed too. See, there, he'd gone and done something stupid and embarrassed her. Especially stupid after he'd suggested helping her get rid of her virginity. "It's okay."
They were quiet for a while, listening to the sound of crickets in the night. Finally, Dipper couldn't take it, still obsessing over how his innocently intended finger-licking gesture turned out to be so very weird. What he needed to do was suggest something perfectly normal. "Hey, you know what? We're both having a pretty crummy night... let's go try and so something fun. Play a video game or something."
"Dipper," she said, with a weird catch in her voice.
He thought maybe she was blowing him off, but he wanted to try again. "I know, I know, you're not in the mood. It doesn't have to be a game. Let's eat all of Grunkle Stan's sweets and blame it on Waddles."
"Dipper," she said again.
"Or you can choose something. Even if it's something I wouldn't normally do... I could use something to distract me from thinking about..."
He was going to say Wendy's name, but before he could, Mabel punched his shoulder, a little too hard, and he realized she was trying to get his attention. She pointed. "Look."
Dipper's gaze followed Mabel's finger, and there, coming out between two bushes, was the little unicorn. "Wow, I really thought he wasn't going to follow us."
Mabel looked up at him, right in the eyes. "I guess that means we have to consider... Plan B."
When she mentioned that, his eyes slid away. This was even worse than the finger-sucking. It was an incredibly awkward conversation to have, and it was easier to not look her in the eyes when he did. "Okay. I think I know what to do. Now, this is going to sound a little strange..."
"Uh-huh..."
"But I think we can do it without it getting too weird."
"Okay."
He took a deep breath. "Technically, when girls lose their virginity, it's because they break their, um..." Now this was really awkward. "Hymen. Maybe if you just break yours, that'll be enough that Randy no longer wants to hang around."
"That was your plan?" she sounded surprised and angry.
"It's worth a try!"
"No, it isn't!"
"How do you know?"
"Because I broke mine a while back!"
That surprised him. His voice instantly became softer, more hesitant. "What?" Randy had just gotten close enough to touch, and Dipper pet its head softly.
"You remember Norman?"
"The gnomes? He... no, no way... you let him... you let them..." He felt sick.
"Dipper, of course not. We didn't even kiss, remember?" Dipper nodded, feeling a little relief at last. "But when I just started dating him, Wendy came by to give me some advice..."
***
As his sister spoke, it made such a vivid image in Dipper's mind, he could practically see it... like it was one of his own memories, even though he wasn't there. In this vision, Mabel was wearing her red sweater with the star and rainbow on it, and she was in their room... so was Wendy, which Dipper had no idea about... he wanted the chance to clean up if she was ever going to visit.

"Okay, thanks for coming, Wendy... I really need some girl advice, and you're the only girl here I know."
"No problem, Mabel. So, who's this guy?"
"His name's Norman. He's dark and mysterious, and Dipper thinks he might be one of the undead, and I hope he's a vampire because that would be SO AMAZING." Wendy nodded along, grinning indulgently. "But I really need to decide what to wear on our date..." She pulled off her red sweater, and dug into her closet to pull out a bunch of others. "Which do you think?"
"They all look pretty good to me."
"But good's not good enough... I need to choose the best one! The one that says I'm his perfect match, that makes him want to kiss me, with tongue! Which one says that to you?"
"I don't know...." Wendy said, obviously not really caring. She pointed at one at random, the purple one with "Meow Wow" on it. "That one!"
"Really, that one?" Mabel asked, squinting at it skeptically. Dipper knew she loved that sweater, but she probably worried it would seem a little childish for her new boyfriend.
"Hey, guys are all interested in the pussy, right?" Mabel laughed, a little too nervously. "Listen, Mabel, seriously. The sweater you wear isn't going to matter much... you know what does? How you act."
"How should I act?" Mabel asked. "Is there something wrong with the way I act? Because I can change! I can act British if that'll help." She put on a phony British accent and role-played out a little scenario. "Fancy a snog? I think that would be real horrorshow. Oh, did you just grab my arse? You cheeky bugger... if I didn't like you so much, I'd kick you right in the tardis! Bob's your uncle."
"No, British definitely won't help. And do you know what else isn't a good idea? Acting desperate."
"But I AM desperate!" Mabel admitted.
"And if you go on a date acting like that, either you're going to scare him off, or the first time you start making out you'll get so worked up you'll give everything away. Trust me." She looked away for a moment, as though having her own little flashback, and then back. "You need to play it cool, like it doesn't really matter to you if he likes you. And, you should masturbate before you go out."
Mabel laughed nervously. "Masturbate? That's what boys do, Wendy. I'm not a boy."
"No, girls do it too. I do it all the time." She looked around, as though making sure nobody had been in the room all along without her noticing. "Here, close the door and I'll show you." Mabel did just that, and Wendy sat down, and patted the bed beside her. "Come sit beside me."
"That's Dipper's bed."
"Well then we won't tell him," she winked, and Mabel shrugged and sat beside her. Wendy undid the button of her pants and pulled them open, revealing her black thong panties. She then pulled those panties down and there was her mound and pink lips, covered with hair. "Show me yours."
Mabel pulled up her skirt. She was wearing lavender panties with Sev'ral Timez, her favorite boy band on them, the identical blonde boys in the middle of a dance pose. She pulled the underwear down and revealed her own pussy, it was tight and without much in the way of definition, just two puffy lips surrounding a crevice. "Now what?"
"Just do what I do..." Wendy began running her fingers over her crotch, the undersides brushing against her mound, and Mabel did her best to copy the motion. After a few seconds, she added, "If you're a little dry down there, lick your fingers to get it going." She demonstrated, giving them a quick slather with her pink tongue and then returning to massage the area, which was now getting slick.
Mabel tried licking her own fingers too, with just a little hesitation before her tongue made contact, like she was afraid it might taste bad, and then also continued masturbating for the first time, enjoying the sensations.
Pretty soon, she was enjoying a steady up and down motion, without much variation or imagination, and after a minute or two, Wendy said, "No, do it more in a circle, like this." And she casually reached over with her free hand and began rubbing Mabel's own crack, wiggling it around in a circle and making the younger girl give out a cute little chirp of surprise.
Wendy's hand didn't stay long, this wasn't sexual for her, she was just helping out, demonstrating, and once Mabel had the rhythm down, it left, and she continued her lesson verbally. "While you're rubbing, you think of something you really like..."
"Like candy?"
"No, like, guys, and what you'd like them to do. Imagine the guy you like and that he's the one doing it to you. And hey, it's fantasy, you can imagine whatever you want, even things you're not supposed to like... like multiple guys... their hands all over you, their cocks hard, all for you. Or a celebrity, or some guy you like but that you know you have no chance with... whatever you want... this is all about you... whatever makes it work for you." Her legs spread a little wider. "Change up the motion, too..."
Mabel complied, and her fingers were getting even wetter than they were when she licked them... she couldn't believe how gooey she was getting down there, goo that was now dripping on Dipper's bed. Her whole face was flushed and she was sweating, even though it wasn't especially hot. "How long do we do this?"
"You'll know when," Wendy advised. "You'll feel the magic moment. Sounds like you're pretty close." She didn't sound too close. She looked over on the table by Mabel's bed, and got up for a second to grab the hairbrush. "Now, when you're a little more advanced, you can try sticking things in... just be careful your first time, you might bust your hymen." Wendy took the end of the hairbrush and centered it on her hole, and then slid it in, making it disappear right to the brush head. She began working it in and out. "Oh yeah, that's it." She started slowly at first, but then picked up speed, jamming it in and out like she was trying to churn butter.
Mabel's whole body began to shake as the pleasures built to a boiling point and soon she couldn't even watch Wendy anymore, she had to close her eyes and rub herself while imagining whatever it was she was imagining. Her mouth opened and a gasp came out, like she'd completely forgotten to breathe for a while, and then she was making more sounds, like a whine of pain or discomfort, but it didn't cause her to stop, she kept going, letting out more whines, until finally she yelled out, "Ah, ah, ah, ah... Abracadabra!" The words didn't make sense, except perhaps that she was experiencing the ultimate magic trick, and after she said the word her whole body magically went limp.
"See, there you go," Wendy said, with pride. She pulled the hairbrush out of her pussy and then set it aside and pulled her own panties back up. "Little more relaxed now?" Mabel nodded. "Now you know what to do anytime you need to take the edge off and play it cool." She stood up to do up her pants again. "Okay, I have an errand to run for Stan, so... enjoy your date. And hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do." She winked and pointed her fingers like a gun, and walked out.
***
Mabel didn't explain that whole story. In fact, what she said amounted to little more than, "Wendy taught me how to masturbate," but somehow every detail, right down to the variety of panties each wore, was in Dipper's mind like he had actually seen it happen. Not even as a memory, but live, just that second. Maybe it was twin telepathy, at work. "Anyway," Mabel continued, "I got really into it for a while after that, and tried the hairbrush a few days later. So, there's nothing to break."
"Oh," Dipper said. Mabel's story, in addition to giving him that weird flashback, also gave him a huge boner, that he was trying to casually hide with one hand. "Then I don't know what to do, Mabel..."
"Dipper, you promised you were going to help... and if making me not a virgin anymore is what we need to do..." Dipper could practically imagine dramatic music ramping up to highlight their dilemma.
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DISPLAY: Club 33 Logo

VOICE-OVER: You're watching The Club 33 Channel, Disney's exclusive members only channel! Your exclusive adults-only Gravity Falls episode will be right back!

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