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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit	By : Jayrich Category: +1 through F > Dan Vs Views: 4007 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Just so it's clear, I do not on Dan vs. or the characters that appear on the show. Also, I am not making a single dime off of this story.

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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit III

“THIS! IS! INSANE!!!”
Chris shouted those words to his friend as loud as he could, trying his best to get that point across to Dan, who was at his front door collecting Mr. Mumbles. Chris & Elise waited downstairs in their car for him, as they overheard his struggles getting his pet into the Cat Carrier.
“Easy, Easy—OW! Mr. Mumbles! OUCH! Aw COME ON! OWWW!!!”
“Have I lost my mind?” Chris asked his wife. “Tell me I’ve lost my mind and this is the Twilight Zone!”
“Sorry Honey, this is in fact reality.” She confirmed.
“HOW COULD HE DO THIS!?” He asked himself aloud. “I mean Dan’s done a lot, I mean A LOT of questionable things. Things that make me question his sanity multiple times...BUT THIS!?!?”
“It’s his decision.” Elise reminded him. “All we can do is be there for him...by keeping an eye on his cat.”
“You know what? I’m not standing for this!” Chris pulled out his cell phone, but Elise placed her hand on it, stopping him.
“Honey, for the last time, there are no Ghostbusters in California.”
Chris was firmly ready to dispute that fact given by his wife, but the feeling of his friend’s presence diverted his attention, as he saw Dan descending the stairs outside Casa Paradisio with carrying case in hand, and Mr. Mumbles inside. His arms were adorned with claw marks & scratches, and there was a stray swipe on his right cheek as well. As he placed the case into the car’s backseat, Chris tried to reason with him.
“I can’t believe this is happening!”
“Well, believe it.” Dan told him.
“Do...do you even REALIZE what you’re doing?” He asked his friend. “You’re about to sleep with a DEMON! Do you know that!?”
“Yes, Chris. I think it’s been fully established that I am about to have carnal relations with a minion of the underworld.” Dan replied, very annoyed. “I don’t think it could be explained any clearer!”
“WHY!?!?” He yelled hysterically. “WHY are you going through with this!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?”
Dan didn’t answer immediately; instead he took one last look through the cage door of the carrying case, and gazed into the eyes of his beloved pet. “Because sometimes you gotta go through Hell just to keep a little bit of Heaven.”
“THAT...MAKES NO SENSE!!!”
“Honey, calm down.” Elise told her husband. “Besides, there’s nothing we can do now.”
“Yes, NOW there’s nothing you can do.” Dan chimed in. “As opposed to earlier in the day, when YOU TWO could’ve provided me support, instead of running off to do the HORIZONTAL POLKA!!!”
“Dan, we’ve apologized for that.” Elise reminded him. “Besides, don’t you have your own dance to do upstairs?”
“And that reminds me, do you have my package!?”
Chris reached into the glove compartment of the car and pulled out a cloth bag with an item inside. He then tossed it to Dan. “Look, just promise me one thing...you won’t come back with your head spinning and a craving for Pea Soup.”
“I knew I should’ve never shown you that movie.” Elise commented.
“YOU TWO just better promise me you’ll take good care of Mr. Mumbles!” Dan responded. “She shouldn’t have to bear witness to what’s about to happen, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve the best treatment!”
“Yeah OK, bye Dan.” Pressing down on her husband’s right foot, she caused the car to pull off down the road, leaving Dan to shout one last direction in Mr. Mumbles’ care.
“AND SHE ONLY DRINKS SKIM MILK! SO HELP ME IF YOU GIVE HER 2%--!”
But in truth, it all was a delay. Though he would never admit it freely, he knew his pet was in good hands with the couple, and this was only stall what was about to happen in his own home. Glancing back up at his apartment, he saw an eerie red glow emanate from his window...one that sent a chill down his spine. Slowly he climbed the steps back up to his home, looking through his neighbors’ windows for any sign of them. Perhaps they had a priest on Speed Dial that he could use to torture the Demon and even the odds. But no such luck; and as he reached his front door, he took a deep breath and prepared for the worst.
As the door swung open, he found himself not walking into his drab & dreary abode, but stepping into what looked to be the set of a soft-core porn movie. Frilly lace curtains and silk linen lined the apartment as crimson red was the theme of the room. It almost hurt his eyes as he slowly journeyed through his “remodeled” home, and soon his face would match the hue of the decorations. In a rage he stormed towards his bedroom, where he was greeted by the sight of the Demoness there, lying seductively on his “remodeled” bed wearing a sheer negligée.
“Welcome home.”
“CHANGE IT BACK, NOW!!!”
Seeing that he wasn’t pleased with the makeover, the Boss snapped her fingers, turning the apartment back into its dank & droll appearance. “I’d at least think you’d want to lose your virginity somewhere less...depressing.”
“You’re lucky I’m even doing this!” He commented.
“Uh, actually YOU’D be the lucky one.” She countered. “Or need I remind you about the court case that’s steadily mounting against you?”
She didn’t need to remind Dan of that fact; it was the only reason he walked in his house. “Oh believe me; I know...which is why I’ve brought THIS!!!”
Reaching in the brown paper bag he brought in with him, he dramatically turned to face her and held aloft the source of his protection for tonight.
“...a Box of Condoms?”
“YES!!!” Dan confirmed proudly. “Your wicked plan will not succeed! You may take my virginity, but there is NO WAY my seed will be used to become some whiny Child of the Corn, or some brat named Damien!”
The Demoness simply laughed at Dan’s proclamation. “Oh Dan, you of all people should know I’m a business woman. And having a baby, especially yours, would just be horrible for business. Not to mention it’ll ruin my figure.”
“Wait, so you don’t want my seed so you can give birth to Earth’s next dictator?” Dan asked.
The Boss laughed again. “Oh Dan, if it were that easy Donald Trump’s child would be running the planet right now.”
“Wait...what!?”
“But enough talk...” Standing up from the bed, she turned her back to Dan and slowly removed her negligee, letting it fall to the floor. What Dan saw next was a sight that dropped even his jaw; her slender naked frame standing before him. Her firm backside stuck out as she turned slightly, giving him bedroom eyes along with a brief shot of side boob before lying back down in his bed, ready to be taken by him. “I believe it’s time for us to seal the deal, so to speak.”
There was no more room for stalling, it was now or never...so Dan chose now. Taking the first step forward, he slowly climbed into the bed, moving closer to the Demoness’ awaiting body. He hovered over her slender frame, gazed deep into her maroon eyes...and gave her a peck on the lips.
She gave him a look of disbelief in response. “OK, really? You are pretty new at this. Allow me...”
Before Dan could loudly voice his displeasure at his attempt, he found himself engrossed in a deep, passionate kiss with the Demoness; one she kept locked as her hands held his head close in a firm grip. He felt her tongue snake into his mouth. It wasn’t forked or thin as he expected it to be, it felt...normal. Normal as he could guess it should be since it was the first time a woman’s tongue had been in his mouth. This night would provide a lot more firsts, however.
The kiss remained intact as Dan found himself on his back now, the Demoness hovering above him...literally. She then broke away from the angry man, grinning deviously.
“Is this what you want, Dan?”
Those words; they echoed through Dan’s mind rapidly, almost forcefully. They ran through his head like a nagging reminder he couldn’t put his finger on, until the memory finally broke through.
“The Dream...” He said, somewhat wearily. “It...Was you!”
“And the Monkey wins a prize.” She replied. “Took you long enough, though.”
“But...why?”
“Aw, Come on Danny.” She told him. “Do you really wanna know why? Or do you really want my mouth here?”
She gave a visual example by running her tongue gently around the head of Dan’s cock, causing his whole body to shiver from it. She teased him for several moments, making circular motions with her tongue on his manhood before finally allowing the full sensation of his cock in her mouth. With her lips wrapped firmly around his shaft, he felt her tongue rubbing against it as it wrapped around his manhood...3 times. It was obvious her demon side was emerging, giving Dan a sensation no human could even fathom. Slowly her head bobbed up & down, her lips remaining tightly wrapped around his member. Dan was lost in a whirlwind of ecstasy, nearly helpless to stop. He went to clench the bed sheets to hold on, but found himself grasping air. A quick glance to his right would reveal why, as Dan found both him and her floating several inches off of his bed in the air.
“I’m...pretty sure this only happens in Japanese Porno...” He said to himself wearily, his cock continually engulfed by the Demoness’ mouth. Finally she removed herself from it, and the two of them lowered down onto the bed; albeit quicker than they had descended off of it.
“Oh yeah, I think you’re hard enough for the main event.”
“Yeah...Main Event...” Dan said, panic setting in. “Hey, could you pass me the crucifix I keep in my nightstand?”
She ignored that request and instead straddled him. “Aw, still hesitant ‘til the last moment. But we know the truth, Dan. If you didn’t want this, you never would’ve stepped back through that door.” With her hand gently gripping the base of his cock, she lifted up her nightie ever so slightly, just enough to expose her snatch to him. She then lifted herself up enough to bring the head of his manhood to her awaiting pussy lips. “But since you’re here now...as I said, I think it’s time we seal the deal.”
And she did, sliding down onto it and letting it deep inside. The two let out mutual groans of pleasure as The Boss rolled up Dan’s shirt and put her hand on his stubbly chest. “Such a nice fit...”
“And a tight one...” Dan replied.
“You’re such a sweet talker.” She told him, leaning in close and kissing him before any more could be said. Her movement was slow to start as her hips moved up & down, pushing herself almost completely off of Dan’s cock before taking it in again. Her perky breasts rested on his chest as she put her arm around his head. Surprisingly though, as good as this felt, Dan’s instinct to fight back still burned as bright as the pits. His left hand slowly crept away from his body and towards the nightstand he mentioned earlier, desperately feeling for the handle to the drawer so he could retrieve the cross inside. But she spotted his actions out the corner of her eye, and clasped his hand with hers, keeping it occupied.
Breaking away from Dan, he noticed the sinister grin on her face, and the golden glow from her eyes. “Such the fighter, Dan; I love that!” She panted, still riding his cock. “But let’s see you put that energy to more constructive use.”
Her speed increased as she put both hands on his chest, playfully feeling at the stubble while her hips moved in rhythm. Now was the time for Dan; all he had to do was power her off of him, get the crucifix and poof, he’d have a demon under his control...or at least out of his house if she fled. But as much as he mustered up the will to proceed, his body betrayed him more so. Before he knew it he found his hands on her hips, with his hips pumping her back.
“YES! That’s it!” She yelled with joy. “I knew you couldn’t hold back for long. Give it to me!”
“What...is this?” He huffed, still forcefully thrusting into her. “Mind...control?...Magical...trickery!?”
“Keep fighting, Dan!” She urged him. “Your body...won’t help you. You’re gonna cum...I can see it!”
She was right. Whether it was the sensation of her fucking her moist pussy or watching her breasts jiggle with each descent, he was just about ready to blow his load. Knowing this, she put her hips into overdrive. Leaning in, she gazed into Dan’s eyes with a sinister yet seductive grin on her face. Her hips slammed down on his lap repeatedly and mercilessly, as if they sapped the energy & restraint from Dan with each impact. Soon it was no use; gritting his teeth and clenching her butt cheeks tightly, he finally gave in.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
With an arch of his back and one final thrust he lifted her several inches off the bed, shooting all of his jizz inside of her. Tossing her head back, she let out a primal scream to match his, reveling in the orgasmic glory she not only gain, but caused him to experience. After several moments, he felt back flat against his bed, drenched in sweat and feeling physically spent. The Demoness appeared to be tired as well, or so it would seem.
“Oh YES! I haven’t rode anyone like that since the French Revolution!” She exclaimed.
At that moment Dan was about to ask just how old the Demoness was, but decided it was better not to bring any more awkwardness to the moment. “Well...this is a moment that my psychiatrist will need to hear about.” He declared. “But...the deed is done. So you have to help me!”
“Awww, give me some credit, Sex Monkey.” She told him. “The contract was signed, which means I’m bound to help you. And speaking of that, how about we get it signed in triplicate...”
Dan’s eyes mimicked spotlights and his heart began racing again. His body was too weak to resist, but just strong enough to comply. He knew that this would be the longest night of his life.

=============================================================================

The courtroom was just as crowded as it has been the past few days. All eyes were focused at the front of the courtroom as they knew the Trial was in its final days. There were no more witnesses, no more testimonies and no more exhibits, leaving only the Closing Arguments to be made before the Jury was sent in to decide Dan’s fate. That very man sat in a slumped position in his chair, arms folded over his chest as he stared at the statue of Lady Justice holding a scale. He imagined her face as being the Boss’...and bashing it in with a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it.
“Huh, I guess Dan couldn’t go through with it.” Elise noted, she and her husband sitting behind him in the gallery.
“I told you.” Chris replied. “I mean, even Dan has his limits.”
“Prosecutor, your Closing Argument, please...” The Judge requested.
Leaning forward and slowing rising out of his chair, the Impostor put his hands behind his back as he casually strolled in front of the Judge’s bench, before turning on his heels towards the Jury to address them.
“Ladies & Gentlemen of the Jury...” He began, before breaking into a snicker and shaking his head. “...just look at him. Can’t you just see society as a far better place with him removed from it? At best this is a man that can be described as Bad Company. At worse he is a selfish, inconsiderate, short-tempered, vengeful, shallow, paranoid & psychologically disturbed man whose home should be a room of padded walls than the lovely & beautiful city of Los Angeles. I believe you fine members of the Jury will come to the right decision...”
And like a triumphant General after a battle, the Impostor marched back over to his chair and sat down, cockily grinning at Dan as he awaited his final words. Dan was hesitant to commence with his Closing Argument though, due to his ace in the hole nowhere to be seen.
“That bitch!” He said sharply to himself. “She tricked me!”
“Hate to say it, Dan...” Eliza told him. “...well, I don’t hate it that much, but she is a Demon. She’s probably—!”
THOOOOOOOOOMM!!!
The sound of wooden doors slamming against the wall echoed throughout the courtroom, and drew everyone’s vision towards the back. It was there they saw The Boss, walking confidently down the aisle through the gallery. Carrying a briefcase, she pushed aside the wooden door on the divider and slammed the case on Dan’s table, jarring everyone in the room, including the Judge.
“What is the meaning of this!?”
“Yeah, sorry I’m late, I like to look my best when I’m getting someone off.”
She punctuated that answer by winking at Dan seductively, who in turn slumped in his seat while mumbling various curse words. “Oh god Dan...you didn’t!” Chris said in shock.
“Defense, who is this person!?” The Judge demanded.
“She’s my—!”
“His Lawyer, your honor.” She answered for him. “I know it is extremely late in the trial, but I do hope you’ll allow him to have a capable defense work his case.”
The Judge was confused by the request, which had never been even attempted during his career on the bench. Looking to the Prosecutor, he saw the Impostor enjoying a slice of pizza with his feet kicked up on the table. “Prosecution, do you have any problem with this develop?”
“Huh? Oh, knock yourself out.” He said in-between bites.
“Well, I guess it is allowed. Defense, please make your Closing Argument.”
“Thank you, your honor.” She then walked to the center of the courtroom, and addressed the Jury as well as the Gallery. “Ladies & Gentlemen of the Jury...my client is stupid.”
“WHAAAAAT!?!?”
In the blink of an eye Dan was on his feet, foaming at the mouth in anger as several Bailiffs, brought in for security purposes, moved into position to restrain him. “Stupid, of course, for not going to me earlier when I could’ve prevented this ongoing march of public embarrassment for him. But, he is also a man who learns from his mistakes, and isn’t afraid to accept help when offered. And help indeed has arrived...because I move for a mistrial, your honor.”
That statement brought up gasps from the Jury, and a badly stifled laugh from the Impostor. “A mistrial?” The Judge repeated. “On what grounds?”
The Demoness replied by walking over to a Large Flat-Screen TV placed by the Jurors and turning it to where they and the Judge can see what is about to air. “Because of this.” Pressing play on the DVD, the TV hummed to life and showed security video of Burgerphile on the day both Dan & Chris enjoyed their meal. A moment later, the video showed the Impostor serving Dan with his papers, and the predictable blow-up response that followed.”
“So? What does that prove!?” The Impostor asked, becoming annoyed.
“What it proves is that you were the one who served Dan the papers for his trial. And it is Federal Law that anyone who is directly involved in a trial cannot serve legal documents to either the Prosecution or the Defense.” She finished. “But I’m sure a smart man like you, probably slipped your mind.”
“This is true.” The Judge commented, turning to the Impostor. “Is this you on the tape?”
The Dan lookalike instantly grew nervous and began trembling. “Well, you see I...that is to say...it was...a Triplett?”
“OH Please!” Dan replied. “If there was someone else who looked like me out there don’t you think I would’ve framed him to be in my spot right now?”
Strangely, or maybe no so strangely, everyone in the courtroom knew Dan was right, backing the Impostor in a corner. “...LOOK, I couldn’t help it! I just wanted to see his face when I served him! It doesn’t mean he’s not GUILTY! He STILL should be locked up for the rest of his miserable LIFE! You know it, we ALL know it!”
“Be that as it may, this court will not allow Federal Law to be ignored simply because of popular preference.” The Judge decreed. “Therefore, the Case of Dan vs. The City of Los Angeles is hereby dismissed.”
“YES!!!” Dan cheered as he turned to his twin. “SUCK IT, YA DIME-STORE DOPPELGANGER!!!”
He proceeded to cross his arms over his crotch, repeatedly taunting him as both Chris and Elise looked on in shock. “He did it...I truly can’t believe he did it.”
“I don’t know if I should feel happy or depressed.” Elise noted.

==========================================================================

“Take a good look, because THIS is what success looks like!”
Dan made that bold statement as he and his friends descended the steps of the courthouse on their way to Chris’ car. “Congratulations, Dan.” Elise told him. “Hard to believe you were successful, but you’re still a free man.”
“Wait, why are you congratulating him?” Chris asked.
“Because I had the pick in the office pool that he’d get off on a technicality.” She replied.
“Yeah, speaking of getting—!”
“DON’T ruin this for me!” Dan interrupted. “Right now I am a free man! This is a victory for the little guy!”
“And few come littler than you, Sex Monkey.”
The three turned to their rear and spotted the unlikely savior of Dan’s freedom, the Demoness, approaching them. “I know, I know, you want to fall to your knees and thank me multiple times for my unmatched courtroom maneuvering. But maybe we should save your knees for later tonight.”
Instead of coming back with a stinging comment, Dan simply smiled at her warmly. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. You were very useful to me today, and to show my appreciation I wanna give you exactly what you deserve.”
“Really? Maybe our little night together changed you for the better.” She said. “Who would’ve guessed that—why does that symbol look familiar?”
The Demoness referred to the symbol in the street; it was ancient and gothic, and unnerved her at the moment. “Oh, this? Just a little design I found while searching on the internet. And it’s not just for show...”
Pulling out some sand that was in his pocket, he tossed it on the symbol...and a pillar of fire erupted from it, much like The Demoness’ entrance into this world earlier. It confirmed her suspicions.
“A portal to Hell; how novel.” She commented. “But how are you going to get an all-powerful demon to enter that—wait, where’s the woman?”
“Oh, my wife?” Chris replied. “She was getting a running start.”
He then stepped aside to show Elise running at top speed, a focused look in her eyes. She stopped short, planting both feet in the pavement before leaping forward and planting a fierce dropkick on The Boss. She covered herself from the blow, but the impact was just enough as she stumbled backwards and fell into the pit.
“DAMN IT! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!”
“AND THAT WAS FOR THE HALLWAY, BITCH!!!” Elise shouted down to her.
“YEAH!!!” Chris echoed in agreement. “AND YOU—wait, what happened in the hallway?”
“Nothing, dear.” Elise quickly replied. “We’ll talk about it later.”
“And that’s how you take out the trash.” Dan declared proudly, brushing his hands clean.
“By the way, what was that powder and why did it smell familiar?” Chris asked.
“Concentrated brimstone.” Dan answered as the three walked off from the pit. “You’d be surprised what you’d find at Mall Outlet stores these days. By the way, you owe me $39.99.”

===================================================================================
Deep in the darkest pits she walked, Hellfire swirling around the cavernous area as tortured screams echoed passed her ears; making her eyes roll. The Demoness was back “Home”, for better or worse. “Geez, now I remember why I left this place; such a downer.”
Ignoring the horrors occurring around her, she conjured up an electronic tablet using her powers and quickly went to work on it. “Danny’s probably thinking all his problems are over...but they’re just beginning.”
And the images on her screen confirmed that possibility. Hortence from Burgerphile, Becky the Barber’s Daughter, Becky from Anger Management, Honey O’Houlihan, Abby from that Reality Show... every woman that Dan has met in his life appeared on the screen. And as the Demoness’ smile grew more sadistic, it became apparent that Dan’s troubles were just beginning.
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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit