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Funeral for a Chin	By : Jayrich Category: +1 through F > Fairly OddParents Views: 11071 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that I do not own 'The Fairly OddParents' nor any of the characters on the show, nor do I make a dime off of this story.

Chapter List
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Funeral for a Chin III

They were left in a frozen state, unable to move an inch as the light moved closer. Within moments it was right on top of them and Timmy & Trixie were able to see the face behind the light…and the badge.
“HEY! Don’t you know this is a PG-13 Comic!?” The officer asked as he pointed to a sign which showed two stick figures in a sexual position crossed out.
“Uh, our mistake?” Timmy quickly replied.
“Yeah, yeah, just move along!”
After one last leer at the two, the officer marched off, leaving them to their own. “MAN that was close!”
“He’s right though.” Trixie said, climbing off of Timmy and out of the car. “Right now we have to focus on stopping Remy.”
“You’re right.” Timmy agreed. “We can’t let him win, we gotta find someway—do you feel a draft?” Glancing down, Timmy noticed most of his superhero outfit was still opened from where Trixie ripped it. “Uh, GUYS!?!?”
POOF!!!
And in an instant, the JawLine suit was good as new as Timmy’s Fairies popped in above him. “Well, that’s one problem solved.” Wanda noted. “Now we just have to find out how to stop Remy.”
Timmy thought over the situation, before coming to a conclusion. “There’s only one way to stop an evil Supervillain who’s taken control of almost everything…”
“Wait three years for someone to erase history and pretend it never happened?” Cosmo asked.
“NO!” Timmy answered bluntly. “We go to the top. Let’s head for City Hall…”

The streets of Chincinnati were anything but abandoned as Law Enforcement continued their battle with the Crimson Chin’s Scoundrel Gallery. And though collateral damage was nearing 8-digits for the city, it provided the perfect distraction for JawLine & Wonder Gal to move through town unnoticed, allowing them to reach Chincinnati’s City Hall. Spotting the window to the Mayor’s office, Timmy used his Jaw-Grapple (chattering teeth with Titanium braces attached to a rope) to break through and leap inside, with Trixie following behind him. They landed right in front of the Mayor’s desk, and turned to face him.
“Mr. Mayor, I know what you’re thinking…” Timmy began. “…but we’re NOT the Bad Guys. We can help you save this city and—!”
“But how can you save the city…when you can’t even save yourselves!?” Shock overcame to two heroes as they watched the chair behind the Mayor’s desk slowly turn around, to reveal Shush Money sitting in it.
“Aw, come ON!” An annoying Timmy lamented. “You got to the Mayor, too!?”
“It’s good to have all your bases covered.” Remy replied. “Besides, it was so easy to bribe the Mayor.”
Remy pointed to a nearby corner, where the Mayor of Chincinnati was sitting, happily staring at a Magic Eye Poster. “Wait…wait…OOH, I see the cow with the Banjo! Wonderful!”
Cosmo added his own confusion to the mix. “Wait, how does he know about Lawrence!?”
“Focus, Please!?” Wanda reminded her husband.
“This is where your little crusade ends, Turner!” Remy said, standing up from the chair. “Your beloved tight-wearing do-gooder is gone for good, you’re the most wanted man in Chincinnati, you’re a loser in real life…and I’ve got the girl.”
Suddenly, Trixie felt herself constricted by a binding purple rope that caused her to fall helplessly to the floor. “TIMMY!!!”
“WONDER GAL! Let her go, Buxaplenty!”
“I think not.” Remy responded with a snicker. “Besides, TRIXIE and I have a grand night ahead of us.”
Timmy was taken aback. “You…you know that’s Trixie?”
Remy scoffed. “It really wasn’t hard to discover, especially since I had my bodyguards follow her and record her every move.”
“And I thought Veronica was obsessive.” Trixie commented.
KRRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Hundreds of glass shards flew through the room as the window-wall behind Remy was broken by a purple high-tech hovering glider…with a seductive grin. “Now if you’ll excuse me Turner…” Remy said. “I have big plans for me and my girl, tonight.”
Hopping atop his glider, Remy rocketed out of the office and soared off through the night sky, dragging Trixie behind him by the rope.
“TIMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!”
Timmy rushed to the window but could only watch as she was carried off against her will. “I…I can’t believe it…Remy won…he beat me…”
“What kind of talk is that, Timmy!?”
As the bucktoothed teen turned around, he received a jarring smack across the face from, of all living beings, Cosmo. “Are you just gonna let your rival, who’s richer and better looking with better teeth and superior people skills, get away with the girl you’ve been stalking ever since you reached the 4th Grade?” He said, grabbing his godson by the collar. “The very girl who’s the reason you go to therapy because of your unhealthy obsession!? Or are you gonna fight back, and go after Remy and that muscle-bound Fairy Don Juan who keeps looking at MY Wife and makes me wanna slam him against the wall by his ponytail!?”
The outburst was more that surprising to Timmy, but even more shocking was that his Fairy Godfather had a point. “You’re right…I can’t quit. I’m not quitting! Thanks for that Cosmo.”
“I LIKE BANANAS!!!” Cosmo replied.
“And it’s gone.” Timmy deadpanned. “WANDA!!!”
“You got it, sport!” The Fairy Godmother quickly raised her glowing wand. “One Hover-cycle coming up!”
POOF!!!
And with a cloud of magic smoke, Wanda transformed herself into the very transportation Timmy needed. Cosmo was next as he poofed himself into a shoulder-mounted laser cannon, one that Timmy armed himself with as he hopped onto Wanda. The engine revved loudly before the bike shot out through the office window, after Remy. They hit the road running, rubber burning as they sped past the constant battles between good & evil going on all around them. It didn’t matter to them though; their only concern was catching up to Remy & Trixie. And after several blocks, they spotted them flying high above Chincinnati.
Timmy took aim with Cosmo, and let fire with a powerful beam of energy. The shot missed, but it was enough to give Remy’s flight some turbulence, and gain his attention. “That annoying twerp just won’t quit!”
“And I won’t either!” Trixie declared as she struggled with her bindings. “As soon as I get free—!”
“Don’t bother, ‘Wonder’ Gal.” Remy told her. “That rope is made out of Retconium, the STRONGEST substance ever known. There’s no way you can escape.”
“Hang on, Remy!” Juandissimo told his godchild. “I shall try to lose them!”
And the chase was on. Juandissimo applied the after-burners to pull away, but Wanda never let him get far enough. And more pressure was put onto Remy as Cosmo started getting more accurate with his shots. Blast after blast Remy was forced to dodge, until Cosmo finally nailed a bulls-eye, causing Juandissimo to lose altitude. The two were forced to make an emergency landing at a Chincinnati landmark, the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. Wanda quickly jumped onto one of the bridge’s cables and rolled all the way up towards the top, as Remy loosened Trixie’s bindings before dangling her off the side of the bridge. Juandissimo assisted as well, poofing up a measure of insurance for his godchild.
“It’s over, Remy!” Timmy told his rival as he hopped off Wanda to face him. “You can’t run anymore, now hand over Trixie!”
“Not so fast, Turner!” Remy countered. “You think it was gonna be so easy?”
“Uh, Maybe?” Cosmo answered.
“You’ve got a choice to make!” Remy continued, ignoring the green-haired fairy. “In my right hand, I hold your beloved crush, Trixie. In my left, I hold the cable to a school bus filled with orphaned, blind kittens with nearly-incurable diseases.”
“OH, COME ON!!!” Wanda shouted out. “Not even Carnage was THAT evil!”
“Clock’s ticking, Turner…”
It was an unexpected turn in events Timmy had to deal with, but he was determined not to let his rival get the best of him. However, Remy wouldn’t give him time to figure out a rescue plan.
“Oops, looks like time’s run out…”
And with that, he opened both his hands, releasing Trixie & the bus over the side of the bridge.
“TIMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!”
“TRIXIE!!!!!”
Dashing forward, he shoved Remy out of the way and dived off the bridge after Wonder Gal. It took speed, but he was able to grab hold of her as they plummeted down towards the murky water.
“I got you!” Timmy said, holding her tight. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you go.”
“But Timmy, who’s got you?” Trixie reminded him.
It was then Timmy realized that he made a proverbial error; he didn’t look before he leapt. Luckily for him, a savoir appeared before him, named Wanda.
“Uh Timmy, you do realize you have Fairy Godparents, right?” She reminded him.
“Oh yeah.” He replied. “In that case, I WISH WE WERE BACK ON THE BRIDGE!!!!”
POOF!!!
And in the blink of an eye, the two were standing before Remy, safe & sound. “Game over, ‘Shush Money’! Give yourself up and we might go easy on you.” Timmy offered.
Remy responded by putting his hand to his chin. “Hmm, interesting. Here’s my counter offer…”
Using almost lightning-fast reflexes, Shush revealed two blasters at his side and opened fire, sending both Wonder Gal & JawLine on the move. On the other side of the bridge, a magical battle was about to break out as Cosmo & Juandissimo stood eye-to-eye, both growling and gnashing their teeth.
“Your godson is a fool to believe he can beat mine.” Remy boasted. “He has no chance!”
“Oh yeah, well Timmy’s only half the fool I am, and he’ll STILL win!” Cosmo countered. “Besides, I got Wanda, and you don’t!”
That comment was enough to push Juandissimo over the edge. “You…you are making me…Sexy! And you will not like me when I’m…Sexy!”
And right before Cosmo’s eyes his rival began to transform, growing in size as his shirt predictably was ripped to shreds. Within moments, Juandissimo was 10 times his normal size, with purple skin, and wearing nothing but a Speedo.
“I am…THE INCREDIBLE…Hunk!” He announced, flexing his muscles. “My strength & sexiness are unmatched! And the stronger I get…the more the ladies cannot resist!”
“Oh yeah?” Cosmo responded. “Well two can play at that game, mister!”
POOF!!!
A cloud of fairy smoke engulf Cosmo, and once dissipated, he emerged wearing what looked to be a pair of blue footy pajamas, and skinnier. “Call me MR. ELASTIC! I have the powers of a rubber band! So take this!”
Summoning up all the strength he could, Cosmo reared back his fist until it was half a mile away, and unleashed it right at Juandissimo’s chest…where it smacked with a dud before falling to the ground like silly putty. Juandissimo snickered, then picked up Cosmo’s arm and snatched it, and him, forward. He then caught him and molded the elastic fairy in his hands until he could be used to play Paddleball; with his hand as the paddle, Cosmo’s arms as the string, and the rest of his body as the ball.
“YYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!” Cosmo yelled as he was batted back & forth. “I hope he doesn’t wanna jump rope after this…”
Back at the other end, Timmy expertly dodged every attack Remy threw at him, and countered with a right-left-right that sent him stumbling, right into Trixie’s waiting arms. Wrapping them around him, she then bent backwards, viciously slamming him neck-first into the ground with a suplex.
“Give up, Remy!” She said, standing up. “You can’t beat both of us, and you know it!”
Remy was shaken by the slam as he struggled to his knees. “You might be right Trixie…then again…”
The conversation was a distraction, as Shush Money reached into his trench coat and pulled out a small orb, clutching it tightly. Trixie spotted the object in his hands, but it was too late as he slammed it down at her feet.
KSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Instantly, green gas surrounded the heroine, and she fell to her knees in a fit of coughing.
“TRIXIE!!!”
“I’m betting your lungs are the one thing that isn’t ‘super’ about you.” Remy boasted, back on his feet. “You’ll be out, just long enough for me to deal with Turner.”
“Fine, you want one-on-one, you got it!” Timmy replied. “But this is gonna end tonight!”
In response, Remy began to chuckle. Lowly at first, but it gradually grew in sound and diabolicalness, until it was full-out maniacal laugher. He then removed his coat and tossed it aside to reveal a bulky armored suit underneath. “Oh my dear Turner…you have no idea just how right you are.”
Over on the other side of the tower, Cosmo laid helpless on the ground; his limps still stretched beyond their normal length. But as he grabbed his wand from the ground, he prepared for a counter attack.
“OK, now you’ve done it. Prepare to face…”
POOF!!!
“SQUIRREL GUY!!!!”
Yes, Cosmo had now turned into a squirrel-themed superhero; complete with a furry vest, protruding tail…and strangely, eye-liner. “And with my powers over squirrels, you will quickly be defeated! To me, my furry—AAAGGHHH!!!”
Unfortunately, the squirrels did come in numbers for Cosmo…to swarm and attack them. “AAAHHH, NO!!! THOSE ARE THE WRONG KIND OF NUTS!!!”
Juandissimo could only shake his head as he watched the scene unfold. “I almost feel sorry for him…” Finally, the furry assault relented, leaving Cosmo lying on the ground, covered in scratches and bites. Yet his heroic resolve still wasn’t extinguished. “You cannot win, puny unsexy fairy!” Juandissimo told him. “For you have the muy bad luck, which makes you a target for the violence!”
And right then and there, in a rare moment in time, Cosmo developed an idea that was actually relevant to the situation he was in. Even more surprising, it was a good idea. “Ooh that’s it, now you’ve done it! Face the wrath of…”
POOF!!!
KRA-KA-KOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
“COSMOR, GOD OF LIGHTNING!!!!!!!”
Before Juandissimo’s eyes, Cosmo had transformed himself into a muscular god-like being. His entire outfit had changed as well; his green hair was now made into a mullet, covered with a wing-tipped helmet. A ruby-red cape was draped down his back, and he donned traditional Asgardian garb. He even wielded a mighty stone hammer…albeit a construction hammer.
Juandissimo was actually wary of Cosmo’s new form, as the Timmy’s godfather loomed forward. “Now, you shall taste battle. And it won’t taste like chicken, but—AAAAGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAH!!!!”
His heroic banter was brought to a halt as a bolt of lightning struck down, electrocuting him. As the shock wore off Cosmo, Juandissimo’s confidence grew again. “Yes! A few more like that and you can light my Hacienda in Fairy World!”
Juandissimo’s laughter filled the air, but Cosmo just grinned as he flew towards the Incredible Hunk, and grabbed his hand, lifting him high into the air. “Hey, I do not want to hold hands with you! Your wife, however…”
“Wait for it…” Cosmo replied as he held his hammer high above his head.
The ‘it’ that Cosmo was waiting for was what Juandissimo informed him of earlier; His causality, his eventual bad luck which would hit inevitably. And it did. An intense lightning bolt struck Cosmo’s hammer and channeled through the green-haired fairy right into his foe Juandissimo, who wasn’t as adept as Cosmo at taking the force of nature.
“N-N-N-NO! S-STOP!!!” Juandissimo begged. “Y-YOU…ARE MAKING ME…UNSEXY…”
But Cosmo held on, as the lightning began to drain the magical effects from Juandissimo, shrinking him back down to his normal fairy size. Finally the lightning ceased, and Cosmo found himself holding on to a singed & defeated nemesis.
“I…need…a siesta…” Juandissimo uttered, before falling to the ground.
“Wait, does that mean I win?” Cosmo asked himself. “Wow, I should put this up on FairyTube!”
Back at the other end of the tower though, matters weren’t as rosy for Timmy as slid on his feet near the edge just stopping mere inches from it; the result of blocking a punch from the currently overpowered Remy Buxaplenty. Remy’s attack wasn’t done though, for as soon as Timmy lowered his guard, he was nailed with a brutal left hook which bounced him against the ground. But like his fairy godfather, Timmy’s heroic resolve couldn’t be extinguished as he stood back up and spat the blood from his mouth.
“Ah, you poor people make such good punching bags…” Remy taunted. “…with your ‘never say die’ attitude, and your laughable hope that you can stand a chance.”
“Yep, we’re annoying like that.” Timmy replied. “But then again, it’s better than being a whiny little brat who, even though he has a boatload of money and a powerful fairy, is still the sorriest kid in Dimmsdale.”
The smile that was on Remy’s face was quickly wiped away. “Watch what you say, Turner…”
“And what makes it so perfect…” Timmy continued. “…the most popular girl in school now doesn’t want anything to do with you. Way to prove you’re a loser, Remy.”
“THAT IS IT!!!!”
Tired of hearing his foe’s taunts, Remy charged forward…just as Timmy planned. Using his enhanced reflexes, he ducked the initial attack and countered with a big punch to the gut, followed by a devastating uppercut which sent Remy staggered. Timmy sought to finish him off with a jumping spin kick, but it was halted by Remy, who grabbed his leg and grinned deviously.
“Game. Over. Turner!”
What followed was perhaps the worst beating Timmy received in his fairy-filled life, one that made Vicky’s attacks look like playful jabs. Timmy was literally slammed over almost a dozen times against the ground, and pounded mercilessly by Remy’s fists. Finally, the onslaught stopped as Remy held his helpless rival over the edge of the bridge by his neck, claiming victory.
“Any last words, Turner?” He asked. “Any quips? Parting shots? I’ll even take begging for mercy…” But Shush Money heard none of that; instead, surprisingly, he heard his rival chuckling with a grin on his face. “What the—why the devil are you laughing!?”
“Villains…so vindictive…so predictable…” Timmy said weakly. “Just wondering something…when you were smacking me around the bridge all this time…ya ever stop to think where my other Fairy went off to?”
It took a moment, but Remy realized Timmy was right. In the enjoyment of battering his opponent, he did lose track of Wanda, and she was nowhere near the bridge. Dropping Timmy back on the ground, he rushed over to Juandissimo’s location.
“JUANDISSIMO! WHERE’S WANDA!?!?”
“OOH, I know that game!” Cosmo answered in his place. “Is she…under the bridge in a striped sweater?”
Remy would get his answer from a different source, as he gazed out past the bridge…onto the Chincinnati Cemetery, burial site of the Crimson Chin.
“No…it can’t be!”
And right there at Chin’s grave, Wanda floated there, wand raised high above her head. “OK…I’ve gathered all the energy that I can hold. I hope this works, Timmy…”
Gripping the wand tightly she pointed the star-tip down and slammed it into the dirt as deep as it could go. A moment later, the very ground beneath her began to quake. As moments passed, the trembling became more violent, until a bright beam of light shun down onto the grave. The light contained the essence of the fabled Cosmic Eagle Energy and it helped to jumpstart an ancient healing factor given to the Chin’s from the attack by the Mayan Calendar. The beam also worked as a homing beacon, helping to bring Charles Hampton Indigo’s consciousness back from the echoes of the space-time continuum, where it was jettisoned due to the savage beating. And as the Earth beneath the cemetery rumbled uncontrollably, and the sky grew cloudy with lightning striking down all around, Wanda provided the final key with her magic.
“One More Hero.”
And a hand shot up from the grave…a Crimson Hand…
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Funeral for a Chin