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The Invader's Cookbook	By : FoxDragonKris Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2788 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Same Disclaimers as chapter 1

FINALLY!! The plot begins!

Schrödinger’s Sanity

Section 1 - The Invader's Cookbook

Chapter 3 - The chapter also known as Adventures in Dib-Trauma.

The ringing of the phone caused both forms on the couch to waken together. Zim sat up first, rubbing at his eyes and then the bases of his antennae.

"Ehh.... that noise is horrendous, humans always pick the worst tones!" He pouted as the harsh ringing continued to assault his antennae until mercifully, Dib pulled himself from the warm couch, snagging his boxers and pulling them on as he did so, and grabbed the phone from it's cradle.

"Hello? .. Yes, its Dib Membrane... " His eyes widened as he listened to the other voice. "Incident? What sort of Incident? Is everything ok? Is my lab damaged? ............ Ahh yes, I see..." he moved into the kitchen and pulled a blue tinted glass from the cupboard, turning to find the milk in the refrigerator as he let the technician on the phone explain the situation.

Zim watched him move through the kitchen and followed a moment after, snatching a soda from a box on the counter and sitting at the small square table, the blanket pulled around him once more. Popping the soda open he sipped at it and watched his new... mate.

"All right.. so my dad is.. yes, I see... hmm? what sort of ... 'substance' ? " he poured the milk into the glass and put the carton away. "Uh huh...that does sound strange...." He leaned on the counter, frowning in thought and Zim raised a brow curiously. "And where was it found"

Dib was silent for a long moment, staring at the blue glass with the white milk in it. His eyes widened suddenly and he looked at Zim with a look of pure panic and a chocking sound came from his throat as he tried to breath. "No... no I'm fine.... Di-did you say my father was .... trying to ..." he bit back a gag.

Zim grinned as he realized what they were talking about and laughed loudly.

Dib covered the receiver with one hand and hissed at the alien. "Shut UP!!" But Zim just laughed louder.

Returning to the tech on the phone Dib sputtered. "No! No you aren’t interrupting anything! Ehh.... Did my.. father need my.... assistance?" God he felt like he was going to be sick.

Zim continued to chuckle mirthfully at Dib's obvious embarrassment. "Oh just tell them its harmless!" He grinned and waved a hand flippantly at him.

Biting back another gag Dib mouthed at him to 'shut up' and tried to concentrate on what the tech was saying. "Yes! Yes everything is fine.... yes, all right, I'll be home in case he needs anything."

"Like another sample?" Zim asked and made a jerking motion with his hand near his crotch.
Dibs eyes widened at the implication and he quickly bid the tech goodbye, turning as he did and spotting the cup on the counter. The milk through the glass was almost the exact shade of blue as was Zim's... Slamming the phone down on the cradle he dashed to the bathroom, heaving over the toilet.

Grinning Zim called after him. "Are you sure you didn’t want to gather a fresh sample for your father unit?"

Dib just flipped him off as he retched, causing Zim to laugh harder. Still laughing he walked back out to the kitchen and dumped the offending milk down the sink and tossed the glass into the trash bin. As he was just leaving the kitchen the phone rang again. Given that Dib was still hunched over the toilet he picked up the phone with a grin. "Hello?"

"Hello?" the voice of Professor Membrain answered back.

"Yes, I believe I just said that." Zim pointed out.

" ..............Is this Dib Membrain's residence?"

"Why yes as a matter of fact it is." He wondered vaguely if the human was so idiotic he didn’t know his own child's phone number.

"Who are you? My son has no friends?" The honest confusion made that question somehow far worse than it already was.

Zim narrowed his eyes a bit. "Ah but I AM his friend. His very friendly friend. We're friendly friends together"

Dib couldn’t hear much of what was being said from the bathroom as he rinsed his mouth out, but he heard enough to cause him a significant amount of alarm.

"......... Friendly friends hm? then you must surely COME OVER FOR DINNER!!!!" The Professors voice flourished and Zim could easily envision him pointing triumphantly at the ceiling.

"Why I would love to! It sounds... like fun..."

"TONIGHT!!!! It shall be EPIC!!!"

"That sounds wondrous!" Zim gushed with dripping cheerfulness.

Patting his face dry with a towel Dib came around the corner. "Who in the world are you talking to?"

Zim grinned at him. "Oh.. I'm having a nice talk with your father unit!"

Dib's eyes bugged out and he stared, paled and ran back to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time.

The professor's voice brought Zim's attention back to the phone. "So we shall eat TONIGHT at SEVEN!"

"Wonderful!"

"I shall make TOAST!!!!!"

Zim's cheeks ached from smiling so wide. "That sounds amazing!"

"I was actually calling to talk to MY SON! But, if your coming over I can speak with him TONIGHT!"

"Of course, of course, I'll make sure we get there on time." Zim eyed the door of the bathroom, Dib's absence was beginning to bother him and he wanted to check on the human, but he wanted to get the screaming man off the phone first.

"WONDERFUL!! I shall see you BOTH at-" Zim slammed the phone down on the cradle before he could finish the sentence., and walked to the bathroom, where Dib was still hunched over the toilet, eyes closed looking miserable.

"Funny... I thought in humans the female got the sickness when breeding..." His voice was softer than his words and he knelt behind the human, hugging his waist and resting his head on that arced back, feeling the shudders and clammy sweat that clung to his skin.

"What.. did my ..... dad want?" Dib groaned and flushed the toilet again.

Zim rubbed his back soothingly. " He's invited us over for dinner.. tonight at 7..."

Dib nodded. "All right.. that sounds.. wait.. " He blinked at the other in confusion. "Why did I get invited to dinner?"

Zim shrugged innocently, not realizing all the things wrong with that seemingly innocuous question. "Probably because we were both here? Anyways, whatever it is, I'm sure you can distract the paternal unit with news of his impending alien grandchild."

That earned a bland stare from Dib as he pulled away to rinse his mouth out again and Zim stepped back as the water flowed from the faucet, wary of the burning liquid.

Wiping his hands on a towel Dib looked at himself in the mirror, the alien just visible over his bare shoulder. Their eyes met for a moment that was somehow as intimate as their earlier embrace. He sighed and looked away from that innocent crimson gaze, uncertain of the prospect of dinner at the house he had grown up in. He hadn’t been there since he had moved out... for a reason. Realizing something he grasped at the slim possibility. "But.. how can I go? I have nothing to wear..."

Zim didn’t catch the attempt to worm out of the subject for what it truly was and just rolled his eyes. "You have black.. wear that."

Dib winced at the careless tone. "But.. my pants are dirty...."

"Then wear another pair of pants."

"I don’t have another pair of pants"

"How can you not have another pair of pants?"

" ....... I just don’t ok? I have a pair of pants, a couple shirts.. some socks and boxers... I don’t need that much and I wear a coat in the lab so they stay pretty clean..."

"Then what do you do for laundry?"

Dib shrugged, still not meeting Zim's eyes, he had never felt.. ashamed of his complete lack of a wardrobe before... "The boxers cover as much as a pair of shorts and.. the old lady that runs the Chinese laundry across the street doesn’t mind. She thinks its cute."

"I'm going to ignore the idea of an old lady ogling you... You can wear something of mine, Zim has much human clothing!"

" ............. Um.... as ... fun as that sounds.... I'm not sure-"

Zim just grabbed his hand and drug him to the balcony, pulling out a slim silver communicator. "GIR!! Come and fetch me! I need two robes, NOT the pink ones, and bring the minimoose!"

"Hey..hey!!! What are you... ZIM!!!"

Zim stopped and looked at him. "What Dib human? You have no suitable clothing, I do, and I'm certain I have something you will find... usable. Its the logical solution."

Dib was silent for a long moment. "Um... black?"

Zim sighed then grinned at him anyways. "Yes Dib.. I have black."

".......................... Alright."

Zim grinned and drug him the rest of the way to the balcony and by the time he pushed the door open Dib had started to grin and, laughing, pinned Zim against the railing, leaning into him high above the narrow city alleyway and kissed him breathlessly. Grinning Zim pressed into him, slipping his arms behind the other's neck as their tongues battled much like the night before. For the few minutes it took GIR to wind his way from Zim's house to the balcony they stayed as that, wound into each other breathless and as close as skin would allow.

GIR's arrival broke the mood quickly however, minimoose popping suddenly up behind Zim startling Dib. "Gah!!! ...Ohhhh gods that thing is just.. creepy!"

Rolling his eyes Zim crawled up on the platform that Minimoose extended as GIR stared happily open mouthed at a cat sitting on a nearby balcony of another apartment and after a moment's hesitation Dib followed. The small robot pulled away from the balcony quickly, causing him to grab onto Zim in surprise and the Irkin just grinned as the 'balloon' cloak of minimoose closed around them and they were sped across the city towards a familiar thin green house with strange lawn ornaments.

Impatiently, Zim started for the door before Dib had even managed to step off of the platform and he was forced to break into a jog, pulling the rob closer around his body, to catch up with Zim. "Jeez.. Slow down Zim...."

Zim just grabbed his hand and drug him to the couch, hitting the release to drop it down to his lower base. The couch elevator dropped at a surprising speed, reaching the bottom too soon for Dib to adjust and he stumbled out, nearly falling to the floor. "I think I'm gunna be sick..."

"Nonsense.. you can't possibly have anything left in you by now."

Dib glared half-heartedly at him as he approached the.. many..many ... racks full of clothing in every style, color and cut imaginable.. there was even a rack of.. dresses?? "Zim.. why do you have.. skirts and dresses?"

Zim looked at the other with an exasperated look. "Dib.... I am pregnant.. with your child...."

Dib just stared blankly.

"Ohhh come on Dib.. USE that giant head of yours."

It took him a few minutes and he glared at the alien. "Its been a long day ok! And its barely afternoon even...." He sighed, tired already. He was not looking forward to this dinner.

"Actually.. speaking of that.. you said Irkins are both male and female.. how does that work?"
Zim rolled his eyes as he riffled through the selection of clothing. "Humans have either a set of one type of reproducing organs, or another. Irkins have a single complex organ with many different parts that fulfills the functions of both human sets, and other functions as well. Our squeedlyspooch."

Dib snerked before he could stop himself, earning a dark glare from the irkin and with a small eep sound he busied himself looking at the clothing. Zim had a .. very impressive collection...

Zim rolled his eyes as he pulled on a pair of pants. "Oh like human organs make any more sense, or sound any better."

Dib looked at him and sighed. "Well..." he realized that he had no real answer and despite everything, the skirts and dresses were still throwing him a bit. Though not in horrible ways. He looked though the closet until he found a fairly suitable pair of pants. He looked back at Zim as he started to pull them on. "Well this... " he exhaled. "is.. going to be fun..." the notion that he was going to be going to dinner with Zim, at his DAD's made is eye twitch. "The whole thing would be funny.. if it weren't so, damn sad. "I am... Getting DRESSED, to GO To DINNER, so I can talk about your..." another twitch.

Zim grinned again. "What are we going to talk about Dib?"

Dib just looked at him blandly at him as he finished pulling on the pants, causing Zim to grin wider.

Dib went about looking for a shirt, sorry that he'd even said anything now. He didn't want to be thinking about it. He didn't want to have the knowledge in his head that his DAD had.... his eye twitched again. Zim laughed softly at his expression and Dib turned to him, glaring half heartedly before turning back to the closet. "If he didn't already think I was a freak he would if I ..." he reached to a rack to grab a shirt. "Arrived in a shirt with Superstar written across it..."

Zim chuckled, puling on his own shirt, black with silvery glitter across the top. "As long as he doesn’t try to send you off to the crazy house again, your mine now they cant have you."

He sighed at Zim's words as he went looking though the shirts, with the real purpose to find a sparkle-less, trendy saying-less, midriff showy-less shirt. "Why... Why do you have these clothes? How can you possibly Wear all of these?" his tone was half-heartedly teasing, trying to fit in as much humor as he could before the incredible amounts of horror began later.

Zim shrugged and moved on to deciding which of the pair of shoes he wanted to wear. "It amuses me, its interesting to see the reactions that different disguise earn, its something to do, because I can..."

Finally he came upon one that fit mostly everything and sighed as he pulled it on, not wanting to spend more time looking though the seemingly endless racks. He actually smiled at Zim, genuinely. As he watched him look for shoes. "You really have changed a lot.."

Zim shrugged. "Not so much as you may think..." his voice became a bit distant as he started to pull on a pair of thick soled boots. "Really... Its not so much that I changed as became myself again..."

"What do you mean by that?" he asked as he looked at him, pulling the shirt down as far as it would go.

Zim considered his answer for a long moment. " It means.... " he sighed, not sure how to explain the concept to a human with no idea of what it meant. "Who I was before was not who I was supposed to be... that state of being was... forced upon me, alongside that... wretched shortness" He glared at the boot laces, filled with hot rage at having been so deeply .... betrayed by the empire he had lived to serve. It hadn’t been his fault, why had he been blamed?

Dib walked a little closer and placed a hand onto his shoulder. He wasn't sure what to say, but hoped that the act itself would relay some form of understanding and support.

Zim flinched a bit at the touch, his anger dissipating once more. "I was a scientist once.. successful... respected... " he shook his head.

The human nodded at that. "I respect you." he said to Zim gently as a thought struck him. Not that he was upset... but crap it all to hell. Now that they had had, and were having, a moment this entire day would be etched into his mind permanently.

Zim hung his head a bit, feeling again the defeat of having been punished for crimes of which he considered himself a victim, not an instigator. "You barely even know me Dib thing... all you know is what they made me into."

He looked at the small green alien. "I don't think they made you into this.." He waved a hand at the closet. "You, are your own person and..." God, he really wanted this to come out right. "If it hadn't been for their... If it hadn't been for them, I never would have met you... which has been the single most greatest thing that's ever happened to me." He tilted Zim's face up gently.

Zim looked up at him, not sure if he believed the words, but desperate to do so all the same. His eyes looked wet and deep, searching pools of ruby colored liquid that seemed to ask something of the other, without words.

Dib looked down into those eyes and leaned in and kisses him gently. "I love you." he said quietly as he kissed him again, this time a bit deeper.

Zim hands rose on their own, one coming to rest on Dibs forearm, the other grasping at his shirt as he reached up into the comfort and the scientist deep within, the part of him that had been born gentle and wary of violence, basked in the small affection. A small satisfied noise curled in his throat as the other plundered his mouth and he was happy to receive it.

Slowly and reluctantly Dib broke the kiss, but gave Zim a quick peck on the forehead before drawing back fully. "You're the best thing that's happened to me, don't forget that." he said with an exhale. The requirements of this evening filling his mind again.

Zim sighed at the loss and leaned against him for a long while, reveling in the idea of actually having a mate. Someone to trust and be safe with, someone who would believe in him. "I suppose we should... finish getting ready and... go..."

"Yea.. I.. I guess so..."Dib pulled away completely with a small sigh and found himself a pair of boots that would fit, pulling them on and buckling them in place.

Together they rode the elevator to the main floor and, leaving GIR in the kitchen mixing what looked like a complete turkey dinner... in a single pan, they headed out the door and started down the street.

~~~~~~~~~Author's Notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving to end of chapter for personal convinience. Also because I tend to respond to review questions with long rambling replies. Yes, writer by nature, sorry. So this way you dont have to go through them if you dont want to.

No deleted scenes this time, sorries!

BotofBlood: Thank you again for the kind words, I looked through for the mentioned spelling errors but did not find them, unless you mean the dialogue. If that is what you were reffering to, I do not use perfect grammer for dialouge because people do not speak with perfect grammer. If thats not it then please forgive me, sometimes I misread incorrect words as correct, but then my spell check program did not catch it either! As for the spelling of irkin, I have seen it both ways and when I was first being introduced to ZADR the people I spoke with used the spelling irkin, so that is what I learned, it is now my natural way of spelling it. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but if I tried to change it I would only find half of the spellings, and it would be inconsistent. And inconsistency bothers me a great deal, so if you dont mind, I would prefer to keep it as it is. (Besides, as soon as I change it somebody would be asking me to spell it the original way again, I'm just certain!) Also if you were wondering, I do not capitolize the word irkin because the word human does not need to be capitolized, and both are the same category of word therefore the same grammatical rules apply.

Don't worry though! I certanly dont think your a bitch at all, in fact I think your great! My name is being spelled incorectly all the time as well, I've learned to just shrug it off, it really doesnt matter in the end anyways, but I do understand the impact of a pet peeve! And I do try to balance things so it isnt just all smut all the time, this is just the tip of a HUGE story arc that I truly hope to get written all out someday, so please bear with me! I have a ton of information to sift though and many scenes and characters to balance and juggle to make a chaotic RP into a sensible storyline!
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The Invader's Cookbook