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Animated Joe Schmo	By : Waitohooru Category: +S through Z > South Park > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 2639 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoon(s) that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
WARNING! The following story has strong language and adult themes, and due to its content should not be read by anyone. Which means you'll probably read it anyway. That's society for you... people nowadays will read ANY fanfic that's on the Internet, no matter how flawed or f***ed up it is...

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EPISODE 2 RECAP
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WAITOHOORU(VO): Previously, on Animated Joe Schmo...
STAN[reeling]: Whoa... what the hell just happened...
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan had somehow survived his first night in the Drawn Together house, when he was assigned the same bedroom as both Captain Hero and Toot Braunstein.
XANDIR[to Stan]: I just wanted to ask you how you slept last night.
STAN: Well, to tell you the truth, i... it sucked ass.
WAITOHOORU(VO): And Xandir told him what happened...
XANDIR: But you're still alive, right?
STAN: Oh yeah, I WAS wondering about that...
XANDIR: It must've been that thong I gave you! It totally saved your life!
STAN: Oh, it did?
WAITOHOORU(VO): Then later in the day, Stan was forced into forming an unlikely alliance with Ling-Ling.
STAN: Okay, okay, I'll form an alliance with you! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
LING-LING(CC): (Ling-Ling was not going to ask little kid to form alliance with him until eighteen pages later in script, and he asks to form alliance right away. For American, Stan truly a child of destiny.)
WAITOHOORU(VO): And at the immunity challenge, Stan had to compromise his integrity by trying to keep his hand on anime star Mune-Mune's breast for a long period of time!
STAN(CC): My parents are definitely going to see me doing this, and they are definitely going to ground me. I said it before, I'll say it again... Mom! Dad! I'm really, really, REALLY sorry!!!
WAITOHOORU(VO): But Stan didn't know that the challenge was fixed, since Spanky Ham already won when his hand was glued to Mune-Mune's vagina!
WAITOHOORU: Congratulations, Spanky Ham! You have won the Pimped-Out Immunity Robe! You can take your hand off Mune-Mune now!
SPANKY: Aw, do I have to?
WAITOHOORU(VO): And after the challenge, Foxxy uncovered Ling-Ling's secret plans, and shared them with Stan...
FOXXY: So that mean...
STAN: Maybe he meant to write the word "whore"?
FOXXY: Say WHAT?!
STAN: You know, he probably thought you were a... a... a you-know-what.
FOXXY: Well, I tell you what, boy... Foxxy Love may be a whole lotta woman... but she ain't no ho! We votin' Ling-Ling off tonight.
WAITOHOORU(VO): After that, Xandir surprised the other eight houseguests by offering a reward to whoever retrieved the Crystal of Iris from atop a series of platforms!
STAN: Ah, here it is!
WAITOHOORU(VO): It was, of course, set up so that Stan would get there first, and would be given the right to sleep in the Master Bedroom by Xandir.
XANDIR: Yeah, because last night, when I slept in it, I realized how lonely I was, so I gave it up because I totally wanted to sleep in a room that had other people in it! I feel much safer in a group... after all, safety in numbers, just like in an RPG!
WAITOHOORU(VO): But Stan's first time in the Master Bedroom was anything but pleasant, as Wooldoor Sockbat kept annoying him...
WOOLDOOR: Stan, what are THESE words?
STAN: Oh for Christ's sake, Wooldoor, they're swear words! Okay?! Now quit asking!
WOOLDOOR: My mom told me I'm not supposed to be seeing them, or hearing them.
STAN(CC): Well, now I know who I want to vote off. If the other housemates know how annoying he is, they'll probably vote him off too.
WAITOHOORU(VO): And despite the fact that Stan voted against Wooldoor in the first eviction ceremony...
STAN: Wooldoor, you are annoying, and you freak me out. Get the hell out of here.
WAITOHOORU(VO): ...his vote didn't even matter, since it was already scripted for Ling-Ling to be the first toon evicted instead.
WAITOHOORU: With seven votes against you... Ling-Ling, your show has been cancelled.
[Waitohooru throws Ling-Ling's cel in the burning fire in the fireplace. The fire gradually consumes the drawing and Ling-Ling can only watch as the inking disappears and returns to from whence it came.]
*
*
*
* * *
[Shot of Stan Marsh.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): This is Stan Marsh, an 8-year-old boy from the hit television series "South Park".
[Shot of the front of the Drawn Together House. The Drawn Together logo is superimposed over it.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): For the next 8 days, he will, without knowing it, be the star of a reality show that he doesn't know is FAKE!
[Shot of the Drawn Together logo shattering into pieces.]
[Montage of the eight Drawn Together housemates.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): He thinks his housemates are characters from actual cartoon shows of the past and present, but what he doesn't know is that all of them were specifically created for a cartoon series called "Drawn Together", which he doesn't know actually exists. His housemates are...
[Shot of Princess Clara singing her heart out outside the swimming pool.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Princess Clara as "The Virgin"...
[Shot of Wooldoor Sockbat, being hyperactive as usual.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Wooldoor Sockbat as "The Freak"...
[Shot of Foxxy Love shakin' her booty while listening to the stereo.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Foxxy Love as "The Sistah"...
[Shot of Toot Braunstein doing her daily routine of cleaning out the fridge.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Toot Braunstein as "The Bitch"...
[Shot of Ling-Ling charging up energy for an upcoming battle.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Ling-Ling as "The Schemer"...
[Shot of Xandir practicing swinging his sword around.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Xandir as "The Gotta-Be-Gay Guy"...
[Shot of Spanky Ham peeing on a couch cushion.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Spanky Ham as "The Asshole"...
[Shot of Captain Hero lifting some weights.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): Captain Hero as "The Jock"...
[Shot of Waitohooru, the host, in front of the Drawn Together House.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): And me, Waitohooru, as "The Smarmy Host".
[Montage of various scenes from the series.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): How long will Stan last in the Drawn Together House without discovering the truth?
[Shot of Stan in the Drawn Together House, talking to someone.]
STAN: Dude, this is really f***ed up right here.
WAITOHOORU(VO): Find out, on the Animated Joe Schmo Show!
* * *
WHO'S STILL IN THE HOUSE:
STAN MARSH (A-duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh!)
PRINCESS CLARA
WOOLDOOR SOCKBAT
FOXXY LOVE
TOOT BRAUNSTEIN
XANDIR
SPANKY HAM
CAPTAIN HERO
* * *
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EPISODE 3: SHOOTING THE MOON
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* * *
*****
DAY 3
*****
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CAST MEETING
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[Shot of the seven remaining Drawn Together cast members in the trailer, receiving instructions from the Animation Alliance.]
WAITOHOORU(VO): It's Day 3, and what better way to start the day than by having a cast meeting while Stan is being interviewed?
HENRY: Great job, you seven! Two days down, six more to go! If you can keep up this ruse, you'll go down in animation history!
XANDIR: Ooh, nice!
MANNY: However, we have noticed that some of you have had some "out-of-character" moments. For instance, Toot, when you fell in love with Stan?
TOOT: Well... he's cute! I love him!
MANNY: Yeah, but that's not the point! The point is, you're supposed to be bitchy!
TOOT: But... I don't want to act like that in front of the boy I love!
MANNY: I know, Toot, but... we want more bitchy! We're not seeing enough bitchy! You'll have to be more convincing in order to get Stan to really hate your ass!
TOOT: Well, I'll try...
DAVE: Fortunately, there's a big scene coming up later on that will allow you to get your bitch on. And Spanky and Xandir... have you remembered your lines for the scene you have in which the two of you argue with each other?
SPANKY: I know all my lines, just like I know all my lines from my last ten bestiality flicks!
XANDIR: I've remembered all of them too, just like I remembered the sequence of the statues in the Gaia Shrine that I had to strike with my sledgehammer in order to get that stubborn door to open! I mean, why couldn't the proprietors just lock the door with a key?
BARB: So you've remembered them, eh? Good, that'll cause the story to run much more smoothly!
SPANKY: Thank you!
* * *
*
*
*
[Cut to the courtyard of the Drawn Together house. All eight contestants, including Stan, are busy lounging by the swimming pool, and drinking drinks (particularly the ones with the little umbrellas in them). Xandir has brought his camera out, so he can take some more pictures to add to his photo album.]
STAN(CC): So we were just having fun... chilling by the swimming pool, and Xandir decides to take some more pictures of us.
[Shot of Foxxy Love and Captain Hero, with their arms on each other's shoulders, sticking their tongues out. Xandir photographs this, and takes the picture out of the camera and shows it to everyone.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, Xandir, you are a photo wizard! You captured my good side in this one!
XANDIR: Thanks, I know!
CLARA: Xandir, you seem to be the only one taking photos of everyone. Why can't everyone share the glory?
XANDIR: You know what... you're right! I will let everyone use my camera, as long as it is only used to take positive, cheerful pictures! I really don't want the camera to be misused, heavens no!
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback shot of Xandir showing the other contestants his photo album on Day 1.]
XANDIR: I really like to take pictures of positive things, things that totally give me a feeling of accomplishment. I don't like taking pictures of anything negative, because they're really disgusting and icky.
* * *
SPANKY[to Xandir]: Well, if you love the friggin' camera so much, then why don't you just MARRY it, huh?
XANDIR: Y... you know what? I think we should all go inside. We've been out here for WAY too long! Besides, too much sun can cause harmful skin cancer!
TOOT: He's right!
CLARA: Yeah, I don't want my skin to be as dark as Foxxy's!
[Foxxy narrows her eyes, and glares daggers at Clara.]
FOXXY: What you say, girl?
CLARA: Um... not that it's your fault your skin's always been like that.
STAN: Well, whatever, dude, let's go.
CAPTAIN HERO: I get dibs on the pool table!
[All of the contestants go into the Drawn Together house... except for Wooldoor, who wants to stay outside for a while.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): I really like hot summer days! The sun is always shining, and the water is cool and blue! Yay!
[Shot of Wooldoor diving into the swimming pool, since Stan is not around.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): So, I thought, since Stan's not around, it would be a perfect day for me to go swimming!
[Shot of Wooldoor performing some swimming strokes in the pool (and rather well, I might add).]
WOOLDOOR(CC): It was the funnest time of my life... until I remembered what I told Stan before, at the table...
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback shot of Wooldoor telling the other houseguests that he can't swim.]
WOOLDOOR: Well, I can eat as much as I want then... 'cuz I can't swim anyway.
[Most of the contestants are shocked, including Stan.]
STAN[to Wooldoor]: Dude... you can't swim, huh?
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, I never really learned to swim.
* * *
[Cut to Stan entering the Master Bedroom. He seems to have forgotten something.]
STAN: Wait a minute... crap! I left my sunglasses out there! I hope no one took them, particularly Spanky...
[Stan heads back toward the swimming pool, to retrieve the sunglasses he left behind. However, he discovers a shocking sight in the swimming pool, even more shocking than Clara and Foxxy tongue-kissing --- Wooldoor, who told Stan that he can't swim, swimming!]
STAN[under his breath]: Oh my god...
STAN(CC): When I went outside to pick up my sunglasses, I could have sworn I saw Wooldoor swimming in the pool. This can't be the same Wooldoor who told me at the dinner table that he couldn't swim. Then again, maybe he's trying to learn to swim on his own, and if that is true, I'm proud of him, learning to do something he could never do before.
WOOLDOOR(CC): I told Stan I couldn't swim, and he caught me in the swimming pool... swimming. I am so busted... the Animation Alliance is going to tar and feather me! Please, Animation Alliance, if you're watching this... DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT TO ME! I didn't know! [cries] I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!
[Wooldoor immediately gets out of the swimming pool upon seeing Stan. However, Stan, who is apparently suspicious, decides to approach Wooldoor.]
STAN: Wooldoor, we need to talk right now!
WOOLDOOR[surprised]: Waaa...!
[Wooldoor quickly hides under one of the beach chairs, but Stan even-more-quickly spots him.]
STAN: Oh no, you don't! Don't think you can hide from me!
[Stan drags Wooldoor out from under the beach chair, and takes him into the Master Bedroom with him.]
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Stan and Wooldoor inside the Master Bedroom.]
STAN: Wooldoor Sockbat, there is something I want to say to you...
WOOLDOOR: Oh, all right... you got me. Do your worst!
STAN: I just want to tell you... that... I'm... ...sorry.
WOOLDOOR: Huh?
STAN: I'm sorry I overreacted yesterday, and blew up at you while you were watching the DVD with me. I... I just couldn't help myself, and I lost my temper, and even voted against you last night. I should have voted along with everyone else... I'm sorry.
WOOLDOOR: You really mean it?
WOOLDOOR(CC): I seriously thought Stan was going to tell me that he knew that this whole show was a fake, and that he would expose all of us. But I'm so glad he didn't! I can breathe a sigh of relief now!
[Wooldoor breathes a sigh of relief.]
WOOLDOOR(CC): Wheee!
STAN: Yeah, the vote against you was from me. I admit it. None of the others voted against you. And... I promise I will never vote against you again.
WOOLDOOR: You... you'd do that?
STAN(CC): I made it up to Wooldoor by forming an alliance with him. To tell you the truth, Wooldoor Sockbat is one of the last people I'd ever want to form an alliance with, but he seems to hate Spanky as much as I do.
STAN: That's right... I want to form a coalition with you... because I really want to get Spanky Ham off my ass!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, I hate him too! Wanna know what he called me this morning?
STAN: Uh, actually I don't...
WOOLDOOR: This morning, he called me a [long string of bleeps], and then he called me a [longer string of bleeps], and finally, he called me a [VERY long string of bleeps]!
STAN: Good reason to hate him, then!
[Wooldoor suddenly checks his storage space, and pulls out a beeping device.]
WOOLDOOR: Darn it! I could've sworn I turned this thing off!
[Wooldoor switches the device off, and puts it back inside his ass-space.]
WOOLDOOR: Now, as I was saying, Spanky called me a wimp, and then he called me a loser, and finally, he called me a good-for-nothing!
STAN: Well, I hope for your sake, and for mine, that he loses the next immunity challenge!
WOOLDOOR: And it would be really cool if one of us wins that immunity challenge!
STAN: And you know what would really kick ass?
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Tell me! Please tell me, pretty please!!!
STAN: If one of us wins the reward challenge, and he doesn't!
WOOLDOOR: And you know what would be really, really cool? If the reward was something like ice cream!
[Silence.]
STAN: Dude, we have ice cream in the refrigerator, okay?
WOOLDOOR: I know, but I want it to be ice cream anyway!
STAN: Okay, if it's ice cream, I promise that I will give it to you!
WOOLDOOR: Wheee!
STAN(CC): I hope the reward challenge is something that is really sweet, and something that I can beat that butthole Spanky at. My only concern is that the producers might place all eight of us into teams, and if they did, and put me on the same team as Spanky, it would really suck ass. I don't want that to happen.
* * *
*
*
*
[Cut to the reward challenge, held outside in the courtyard. There is a huge costume trunk with some clothes in it, and a curtain which apparently indicates some type of changing room the contestants are going to use to change costumes. There are also eight folding chairs, four on each side of the trunk, each set up in a nice little row.]
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REWARD CHALLENGE 2: BATTLE OF THE SEXES
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* * *
[Shot of the eight contestants entering the courtyard. Waitohooru is also there, and he addresses the group.]
WAITOHOORU: And then there were eight, with Ling-Ling evicted at last night's ceremony. Welcome to our reward challenge, which is simply called Battle of the Sexes! And since it is called Battle of the Sexes, we are going to divide you into two teams, the men and the women! So ladies, [points toward the row of chairs to the right of the costume trunk] go over there, and guys, [points toward the row of chairs to the left of the costume trunk] you're over here.
[Stan, and the other four male contestants approach the row of chairs to the left of the costume trunk, while the three girls approach the row of chairs to the right of the trunk.]
TOOT: Uh, I think there's a slight problem here!
WAITOHOORU: You're right... there's three of you ladies, while there are five men!
SPANKY: Yeah! We have the advantage! Boys rule, girls drool!
[Spanky and Captain Hero high-five each other.]
WAITOHOORU: So, to even the two teams, one of the guys has to go over to the women's team!
CAPTAIN HERO: What?!
XANDIR[raising his hand]: It's okay, I'll do it.
WAITOHOORU: Xandir, you're volunteering? Well then, you get to join the three women on their team! Go right ahead!
[Xandir approaches the three girls.]
SPANKY: Not surprised, since he acts like a girl anyway.
XANDIR: Hey!
WAITOHOORU: Okay now, if all of you will just take your seats?
[The eight contestants each sit in one of the folding chairs.]
WAITOHOORU: Now, for this challenge, I am going to ask each of you a question that refers to a contestant on the opposing team. In other words, the girls are going to be asked questions about the guys, and the guys are going to be asked questions about the girls, even though Xandir's not technically a girl *per se*.
CAPTAIN HERO: Could have fooled ME...
WAITOHOORU: Now, for each question a team member gets wrong, that team member has to go behind this curtain [points to the curtain] and put on one of the penalty outfits, which can be found in this trunk [points to the costume trunk]. The penalty outfits are something you do not want to wear, because they are definitely humiliating. If a team gets four questions wrong, and all four of its members are wearing their penalty outfits, then victory goes to the other team, who will win a reward that will take you away from the Drawn Together house for a while!
[The eight contestants are excited.]
WAITOHOORU: That's right, the winning team will be whisked away to a luxurious spa, where they will get the kind of treatment that you would normally get at spas... you know, there's a sauna, and mud baths, and manicures and pedicures... you really want to win THAT!
XANDIR: Oh yeah I do!
WAITOHOORU: And the losing team will not only have to stay behind at the Drawn Together house, they will have to clean the entire house, from top to bottom!
[The eight contestants are worried.]
SPANKY: Dude, I don't want to clean, okay? Clean is not me! You must be thinking of that other pig, you know, from Tiny Toons!
WAITOHOORU: And not only do you have to clean the Drawn Together house, you will be cleaning it... in your penalty outfits!
[The eight contestants are really worried.]
WAITOHOORU: Yes, you will be wearing your penalty outfits until the other team returns from the spa, and only then can you take them off! Okay, now we can begin the challenge, and Spanky, since you won immunity last time, your team gets to go first!
SPANKY: Yeah, man!
CAPTAIN HERO(CC): Every challenge was rigged in advance, right? So for this challenge, we're supposed to answer every question incorrectly so that Stan loses, and the women's team wins the reward. You know, I feel so bad that I'm letting my entire gender down by throwing this challenge. But it's what the script says, so in order to receive my super bonus from the Animation Alliance, I must do this!
[Waitohooru pulls out a card and reads the first question on it.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, guys' team, first question! Which of the four members of the girls' team purposely flunked the sixth grade and then repeated it in order to, quote, "take the sex education class over again"?
[The four members of the guys' team huddle amongst each other, to try to figure out what the answer is.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, who thinks he's got the answer to this one?
[Stan raises his hand.]
STAN: I think I know!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Stan, which member of the girls' team repeated the sixth grade to take sex education class all over again?
STAN: Uh, I think the answer is Foxxy.
WAITOHOORU: Foxxy Love, you say?
STAN: That's right.
WAITOHOORU: Sorry, Stan, the answer is incorrect. The correct answer is Princess Clara!
STAN: What?!
CLARA: That's right, Stan. In the castle, father kept me away from sex, but when I attended the royal elementary school, and I was in sixth grade, I was fascinated by this "sex ed". It was forbidden... I was curious, and wanted to know more about it, so I decided to repeat the sixth grade so I could take that class over again.
STAN: Son of a bitch...
WAITOHOORU: Yeah, and you know what that means? You have to put on a penalty outfit!
STAN: Oh no...
WAITOHOORU: Oh yes!
* * *
[The other seven houseguests are waiting for Stan to put on his penalty outfit.]
WAITOHOORU: Ladies and gentlemen, he came into this game as Stan Marsh, but for now, please say hello... to Raggedy Standy!
[Stan emerges wearing the Raggedy Andy outfit he wore in the "Pinkeye" episode of South Park. Yeah, that was the Halloween episode where everyone in South Park turned into zombies, and everyone thought those people had pinkeye.]
STAN(CC): I was wearing this Raggedy Andy costume, which was the same costume I wore this one Halloween, and everyone ripped on me when I was wearing it! Now that I look back on it, I realize that they were right, the costume WAS rather gay, and now that I'm wearing it once again on national TV, the costume is still gay!
WAITOHOORU: Wow, you look pretty dolled up, to coin a phrase.
STAN: Yeah, you COULD say that!
WAITOHOORU: And it just so happens that one of the members of your team is a huge fan of yours, Raggedy Andy!
STAN: Oh, don't tell me it's Wooldoor! Please don't tell me it's Wooldoor!
WAITOHOORU: No... but it is Captain Hero!
CAPTAIN HERO: Yes!
STAN[shuddering]: Damn, that was my second guess...
WAITOHOORU: And Captain Hero, why don't you hug Raggedy Andy in your arms and gently rock him to sleep?
CAPTAIN HERO: Why, I'd be delighted!
[Captain Hero picks Stan up with both arms, and hugs him very tight.]
STAN(CC): As if wearing the Raggedy Andy costume wasn't humiliating enough already, I have to be hugged in Captain Hero's brawny, bulky arms, and rocked to sleep! And let me tell you, he didn't rock me as gently as I would have hoped.
CAPTAIN HERO[singing]: Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top, uh, blah blah blah, I don't know the words... Stan is so cute in that outfit, and down will come baby, uh, something and all!
[As Captain Hero places "Raggedy Standy" down, Stan feels queasy and uneasy. His head is spinning around, a bit woozy after the whole ordeal.]
STAN(CC): Captain Hero definitely doesn't know his own strength, I'll tell you that. But still, I've been getting this weird vibe about him that maybe he loves me a bit too much. He'd better not be a pedophile! No way. I don't want that.
WAITOHOORU: Okay, the next question goes to the girls' team!
TOOT: Ooh, I'm so excited! I hope we get this!
[Waitohooru pulls out another card.]
WAITOHOORU: Girls, your question is, which member of the guys' team said that his saddest experience was when he saw Bambi's mom die on TV?
[Now it's time for the members of the girls' team to huddle amongst themselves.]
CLARA: Is it Stan?
FOXXY: Naw, I think it's Wooldoor. Mebbe he still can't get over it.
XANDIR: I don't know...
WAITOHOORU: So... who's going to guess?
[Foxxy raises her hand.]
FOXXY: Yo!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Foxxy, who said his saddest experience was watching Bambi's mom's death?
FOXXY: I'ma say Wooldoor.
WAITOHOORU: You say it's Wooldoor Sockbat?
FOXXY: That be right!
WAITOHOORU: Well... you be wrong!
FOXXY: Wha...?
WAITOHOORU: The correct answer is Spanky Ham!
SPANKY[crying]: That's right... when she was still alive, she was hot, and I never got a chance to put my seed in her!
FOXXY[rolling her eyes]: Oh, gimme a damn break...
WAITOHOORU: So, it's time for YOU to put on a penalty outfit, Foxxy!
FOXXY: Dang...
* * *
[Fast-forward to Foxxy emerging from the changing room, in her penalty outfit, which is a rather sexy policewoman's ensemble (complete with short skirt).]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, everyone, Officer Foxxy Love is now officially on duty!
STAN(CC): Foxxy put on this policewoman's outfit... and the skirt she was wearing with that outfit was very short... and no, mom and dad, I did NOT peek under it! Really!
[The members of the guys' team are all staring at Foxxy's outfit.]
FOXXY[to the guys' team]: All right, from now on, y'all are unda' arrest!
SPANKY: Oh, you can arrest me any day of the week!
WAITOHOORU: Good timing, Officer Love. I want to report something to you.
FOXXY: Well, what it IS, suckah?
WAITOHOORU: Well, one day, I was talking with the Animation Alliance, and they claimed that they saw Princess Clara smuggle some illegal drugs into the Drawn Together house!
CLARA: What? I did?
WAITOHOORU: Yes, and they said she hid them somewhere on her body, so Foxxy, why don't you search her to see if they're telling the truth?
[Spanky and Captain Hero immediately wolf whistle.]
FOXXY[to Spanky and Captain Hero]: Shut up, you!
CAPTAIN HERO: No, really, if the princess has drugs on her body, why don't you search her?
FOXXY: So? You a superhero, why can't YOU do it?
CAPTAIN HERO: Hey, I may be a superhero, but I'm not one to disrupt an officer of the law in her line of duty!
FOXXY[under her breath]: Oh, you really enjoyin' this, ain't you...
[Foxxy grudgingly gets Clara out of her chair, and places her hands all over Clara's body, searching for the "drugs".]
SPANKY: Search her boobs! She probably hid them there!
WAITOHOORU: Remember, Foxxy, those drugs are somewhere on her body!
STAN: I'm not watching this! I'm not watching this!
[Foxxy continues to feel Clara up, until she eventually finds a vial of pills hidden way up Clara's ass.]
FOXXY: Oh, laws a massey...
SPANKY: Okay, now spread 'em!
FOXXY: What?! I already found the drugs, honky!
SPANKY: It's "Spanky"... and I want you to spread 'em anyway!
FOXXY: Foxxy don't believe this sh**...
SPANKY: You don't know what you should spread, huh? It's easy? You should spread your ---
WAITOHOORU[raising his hands in the air]: Okay, that's enough.
FOXXY: 'Bout damn time!
[Foxxy and Clara return to their seats.]
WAITOHOORU: So, as we can see, one member of each team has put on a penalty outfit. Guys' team, it's your turn.
STAN: Good, maybe we can get one right this time!
[Waitohooru pulls out another card.]
WAITOHOORU: Guys, which member of the girls' team has never worn a condom during his/her entire life?
[The four guys on the guys' team huddle amongst themselves again.]
STAN: I don't know, maybe Foxxy again?
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, it's not the princess...
SPANKY: Yeah, her father might force her to wear one everyday!
WAITOHOORU: Your answer, please. Choose someone other than Stan, since he is currently wearing a penalty outfit.
[Captain Hero raises his hand.]
CAPTAIN HERO: I'll answer this one!
WAITOHOORU: Captain Hero? Okay, Captain Hero, which member of the girls' team never wore a condom?
CAPTAIN HERO: It's a wild guess... but I'll say... Foxxy.
WAITOHOORU: Nope! Sorry, Captain Hero, the correct answer is Toot!
TOOT: Yeah, and it's not my fault that the stores don't have any in my size!
SPANKY: Uh, hate to break it to ya, chubby chick, but most stores don't sell any condoms with bumperstickers that say "Wide Load" on them.
TOOT[pissed off]: Grrr...
WAITOHOORU: Ooookay... Anyway, Captain Hero, you have to put on a penalty outfit now!
CAPTAIN HERO: I know, I know...
* * *
[Fast-forward to Captain Hero emerging from the changing room. He is now wearing nothing save for a baby's diaper and matching bonnet.]
WAITOHOORU: When Captain Hero came into the Drawn Together house, he was 28 years old, but now, he's 28 DAYS old!
CAPTAIN HERO: Uh... goo goo ga ga?
STAN(CC): Okay, now Captain Hero is wearing a baby outfit... [laughs] I have so much to tell my parents... they definitely won't let me go on shows like these anymore!
WAITOHOORU: What's that, Captain Hero? You want someone to burp you? Is that it?
[Captain Hero, playing along, nods his head yes.]
STAN: Uh, no thanks, that guy is waaaaay to heavy for me!
WAITOHOORU: Aw, that's a shame! He really wanted you to burp him!
WOOLDOOR: That's okay... I'll do it!
[Wooldoor gets up from his seat, and approaches Captain Hero.]
SPANKY: Makes sense, since you act like a child anyway!
WOOLDOOR: I do not! And when this show is over, I'm telling!
[Wooldoor, after struggling a bit, picks up Captain Hero's brawny, muscular body and places him in the position a mother would place a baby that she's about to burp.]
WOOLDOOR: Nice baby!
[Wooldoor pats Captain Hero's ass cheek, and Captain Hero lets out a really loud...]
CAPTAIN HERO: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!
[...which causes the entire Drawn Together house to shake.]
STAN: Holy...!
FOXXY: Lawd, there a whole lotta shakin' goin' on!
SPANKY: And this time, it ISN'T caused by Toot's footsteps!
[Toot, offended by Spanky's comment, casts a menacing frown in his direction.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Uh... excuse me?
WAITOHOORU: Wooldoor, I think you'd better put Baby Captain Hero back in his seat.
WOOLDOOR: Will do!
[Wooldoor puts Captain Hero back in his chair, and then returns to his own.]
TOOT: "Baby Captain Hero"... yeah, THAT'S an original concept. Like you're going to make a lot of money off THAT idea!
CAPTAIN HERO: And even if you don't, *I* still will!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's go to our next question, and it's for the girls' team! Girls, and one guy, the question is: which member of the guys' team, believe it or not, actually met Jennifer Lopez in person?
XANDIR: No way, THE J-Lo? Get out!
WAITOHOORU: I'm serious. THE J-Lo. Would I lie to you?
[The three girls (and one gay guy) discuss amongst themselves.]
WAITOHOORU: I need an answer from someone, please. And it cannot be Foxxy, since she's wearing a penalty outfit.
[Toot raises her hand.]
TOOT: I'll do it!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Toot, which member of the guys' team met J-Lo?
TOOT: I'm going to say Captain Hero.
WAITOHOORU: Why Captain Hero?
TOOT: You know, because he's a superhero, and he has that babe-magnet quality that draws women to him... women who don't have any brains because all they care about is looking good and being thin and whoring themselves for attention! J-Lo? More like J-HO, if you ask me!
[Waitohooru, and the other seven contestants, are stunned by Toot's rant.]
STAN: Whoa, what a bitch!
TOOT[sweetly]: So... I'm going with Captain Hero.
WAITOHOORU: Well... you're wrong! The correct answer is Stan!
STAN: Yeah, and I hate to say it, but, you're right, Toot. Jennifer Lopez IS a dirty whore.
TOOT: You mean... you agree with me?
STAN: Yeah, I admit it. Good thing she got what was coming to her... and it's NOT Ben Affleck!
WAITOHOORU: Well, J-Lo bashing aside, it's time for Toot to put on her penalty outfit!
TOOT: I hope this outfit makes me look really sexy!
[Toot picks a costume from the trunk, and goes into the changing room.]
SPANKY: Riiiiiight.
* * *
[Toot emerges from the changing room in full Playboy bunny regalia - that is, bunny ears, bow tie, fishnet stockings, and sequined bikini.]
STAN(CC): Then Toot got her question wrong and put on her costume... and it was a Playboy Bunny gone horribly wrong. If Hugh Hefner was watching this, I can pretty much guarantee you he'd have changed the channel by now.
TOOT: Pop quiz, hotshot! Who was the first ever rabbit in all of cartoondom?
WOOLDOOR: Uh... Bugs Bunny?
TOOT: Nope... it's me!
[Toot wiggles her hippo hips a bit, nauseating a few of the contestants, particularly Stan.]
WAITOHOORU: And as you can see, Toot Braunstein here is dressed as a bunny. And Toot, what do bunnies like more than anything else?
TOOT: Why... they like to multiply, silly!
[Toot blinks her eyes rapidly at Waitohooru.]
WAITOHOORU: Nope... but you are close. They like carrots!
[Waitohooru pulls a carrot out of carrot space.]
WAITOHOORU: Xandir... will you please feed this carrot to Toot?
XANDIR: Why, it'd so be an honor!
[Xandir holds out his hands, but Waitohooru instead places the carrot BETWEEN XANDIR'S LEGS... WITH THE POINTY END STICKING OUT.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Toot... you must eat the carrot without using your hands... use only your mouth! Do you understand?
XANDIR: Yyyeah... anyway, Toot, don't forget to swallow!
TOOT: Oh, don't worry. I *never* forget, big boy!
[Toot places her hands behind her back, and takes a big bite out of the carrot.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
XANDIR: You know what... this reminds me of a pet horse I used to have.
TOOT[offended]: Oh, I have a horse face, huh? Is that what you're trying to say?
XANDIR: No... it's just that watching you eat that carrot reminded me of watching Frisky, my horse, eat a carrot. I would feed carrots to him every day!
SPANKY: Was this before or after you went down on him?
XANDIR[offended]: Spanky, that is enough!
[Toot and Xandir return to their seats.]
WAITOHOORU: Okay, teams, here's where we currently stand: the guys' team has gotten two wrong, and the girls' team has gotten two questions wrong. I really wish someone would get a question right for a change... guys' team, you're up next.
WOOLDOOR: Wheee!
SPANKY: Make ours a really dirty question, if you please!
[Waitohooru pulls out another card.]
WAITOHOORU: Guys... which member of the girls' team committed an act of charity by knitting twenty sweaters, and donating them to children in an orphanage, all in one day?
WOOLDOOR: Aw... that's so sweet!
[The four members' of the guys' team talk amongst themselves.]
WOOLDOOR: Maybe it's Clara!
STAN: No... I think it might be Foxxy...
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, we know it's not the fat girl... I don't see HER knitting!
SPANKY: So... maybe it's the gay guy. I think it's him.
WAITOHOORU: I need your answer, please. Either Spanky or Wooldoor can answer this time.
WOOLDOOR[raising his hand]: Me me me me me me me!!!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Wooldoor, your answer?
WOOLDOOR: Princess Clara?
WAITOHOORU: Clara, you say? Well, that's incorrect!
WOOLDOOR: Huh?!
WAITOHOORU: The correct answer is Xandir!
XANDIR: That's right, everyone! And I used the Magic Knitting Needles of Hyperion to knit them, and gave them to the kind children of Frostopia Town. In return, the mayor of Frostopia ordered the townspeople to build a bridge connecting Frostopia to Elemental Canyon, where I would continue the quest to save my girlfriend! And no, Spanky, I did not have sex with any of the townspeople!
SPANKY: Aw, I was going to ask that...
STAN(CC): Ooy... we've been asked three questions so far, and we've answered them all incorrectly. We really do suck.
SPANKY(CC): We're doing a good job of answering questions incorrectly! We rule!
WAITOHOORU: This means, that you, Wooldoor, have to put on your penalty outfit as well!
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Wheeee!
CAPTAIN HERO[to Stan and Spanky]: He actually ENJOYS this?
* * *
[Fast-forward to Wooldoor emerging from the changing room in a schoolgirl outfit (complete with short plaid skirt).]
WOOLDOOR: Okay, everyone, I'm ready for school!
XANDIR[giggling]: I thought for sure I'd be the only cross-dresser in the bunch... guess I was wrong!
STAN(CC): And Wooldoor was dressed in a girl's school uniform... and he had a smile on his face the entire time he wore it! I think these people belong on Jerry Springer or something...
WAITOHOORU: Everyone, we have a new student joining us today! Her name is... [to Wooldoor] ...what is your name, little girl?
WOOLDOOR: My name is Wooldoor Sockbat! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
WAITOHOORU: "Wooldoor Sockbat", huh? Sounds like a foreign exchange student... anyway, our new student has been very naughty this morning!
WOOLDOOR[surprised]: I was?
WAITOHOORU: Yes, she was very naughty, and one of the guys has to spank her!
SPANKY[rolling up his sleeve]: Well, I'd be so glad to spank her!
WOOLDOOR[frightened]: No, not from him! No... please!!!!
[Spanky gets out of his seat, raises his hand, and gives Wooldoor a flurry of consecutive spankings.]
WOOLDOOR[crying]: Ow! OWWWWWW!!!! It hurts! Mommy, make the pain go away!
WAITOHOORU: I guess you're called "Spanky" for a good reason...
SPANKY: Yep, and you just saw the reason!
[Spanky returns to his seat, while Wooldoor continues to howl in pain.]
WOOLDOOR: Ow, it still hurts...!
SPANKY: Hey! Back to your seat, Wool-douche!
WOOLDOOR: That's not my name, and it still hurts!
SPANKY: I don't care!
[Wooldoor grudgingly returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Now, girls, to avoid tying with the guys' team, please get this question right for my sake!
FOXXY: We betta'!
CLARA: Mm!
[Waitohooru pulls a sixth card out.]
WAITOHOORU: Now, which member of the guys' team is a huge fan of Robert Smith? But not just any Robert Smith... this is Robert Smith of "The Cure" fame!
[The four members of the girls' team talk this over...]
XANDIR: Like, who could it be? Captain Hero? Stan?
CLARA: Well... I'm not sure, father won't let me listen to that kind of music...
WAITOHOORU: We need an answer! It has to be from either Xandir or Clara.
[Clara raises her hand.]
CLARA: I think I might know the answer...
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Clara, who idolizes Robert Smith?
CLARA: I will have to say... Wooldoor Sockbat?
WAITOHOORU: Nope... the answer is Stan!
STAN: Yeah... Robert Smith totally kicks ass! I mean, did you see how he whaled on Barbra Streisand! She put THAT bitch in her place!
CLARA: Oh my god... I'm sorry everyone...
WAITOHOORU(CC): There was more than one question for the girls' team in which Stan was the answer. If this doesn't clue Stan in that the entire game revolves around him, what will?
WAITOHOORU: Well, Clara now has to put on HER penalty outfit! I've got a good one for you...
CLARA: Nothing flimsy, okay? Remember, the crown is watching this, and I want to make them proud of me!
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Clara emerging from the changing room, in female farmer's gear --- straw hat, plaid shirt, Daisy Dukes, and sandals.]
CLARA: Okay, so I'm dressed like a peasant... well, at least I know how they feel...
STAN(CC): And now Clara was dressed in a farmer's outfit... I laughed my ass off! I was right! These people DO belong on Springer!
WAITOHOORU: Everyone, you met Princess Clara... now, meet Farmer Clara!
CLARA[waving]: Uh... howdy, y'all!
WAITOHOORU: Farmer Clara comes to us from the country, and she'd like to show everyone a job she does every day, which is to pick peaches from trees!
CLARA: But... there aren't any peach trees around, are there?
WAITOHOORU: Exactly, so we have to try another alternative...
[Waitohooru pulls a peach out of peach space, and places the peach on top of Foxxy's breasts.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
WAITOHOORU: It's picking season, Clara! And Clara, you have to get this peach with your teeth, and you cannot use your hands.
[Spanky and Captain Hero wolf-whistle, while Wooldoor joins in for fun.]
STAN[rolling his eyes]: Oh, whatever, dudes...
CLARA: All right... if I must.
SPANKY: And why don't you get the round, brown ones on the tree as well, Farmer Clara?
FOXXY: Wha...?
CLARA: Don't be silly, Spanky! The brown ones would be bad! I must get the peach one, because it is ripe!
FOXXY: God, this best not be an insult...
[Clara approaches the peach, and uses her mouth to pick the peach up from Foxxy's cleavage. Wooldoor, Spanky, and Captain Hero cheer.]
WAITOHOORU: Wow, Clara, that was... um... very peachy!
CLARA: Thank you very much!
[Clara returns to her seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Now, this is interesting... both teams have answered three questions incorrectly, and as a result, three members of each team are wearing penalty outfits! The only member of the guys' team who is not wearing a penalty outfit is Spanky. And Xandir is the only member of the girls' team not wearing a penalty outfit. So the pressure's definitely on you two... because the next one to answer a question incorrectly will definitely lose the challenge, and victory will go to the other team!
[Spanky and Xandir are sweating bullets.]
WAITOHOORU: Guys' team, you're next, and since Spanky is the only one who can answer this question, he has to get this right to stay in the game!
[Waitohooru pulls a seventh card out.]
WAITOHOORU: Spanky... which member of the girls' team had an orgasm during a pap smear?
WOOLDOOR: Orgasm? Pap smear? What are those?
WAITOHOORU[to Wooldoor]: Um... those are words that you're glad Spanky knows... hopefully, because he's answering this question. However, Spanky, you can talk with your teammates about this.
SPANKY: Okay.
[Spanky talks to his three teammates.]
SPANKY: So, which one is it?
CAPTAIN HERO: I don't know... Toot?
WOOLDOOR: Maybe it's Clara?
STAN: I think... maybe Foxxy?
FOXXY: Hmm...
FOXXY(CC): Stan, he done answer Foxxy for every single question, y'all. I mean, where he get the idea that Foxxy Love be this crazy sex lady? Well, you don't need no mystery-solvin' musician to solve THIS mystery, baby!
WAITOHOORU: So, Spanky, what's your answer?
SPANKY: I think the answer is Xandir, the gay guy!
XANDIR: What?!
WAITOHOORU: You think Xandir? You went against your own team?
SPANKY: I sure did. I think that's the correct answer.
WAITOHOORU: You really think it's Xandir... now which member of the guys' team thought it was Foxxy again?
[Stan raises his hand.]
STAN: I believe I did.
WAITOHOORU: Well, you should have listened to him, Spanky, because he was right. Foxxy Love was the correct answer.
SPANKY: Aw, f**king son of a bitch!
* * *
[Fast-forward to Spanky emerging from the changing room wearing his penalty outfit... a frilly shepherdess costume complete with matching crook and blond curly wig.]
STAN(CC): And finally, Spanky Ham was wearing this Little Bo Peep outfit... oh my god! Sure, he thinks it's uncomfortable, but I'm glad he's going to be cleaning the house in that outfit. In fact, I'm just glad he's going to be cleaning the house, period.
SPANKY[gruffly]: All right... Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep... and doesn't know where to find them. Which is too bad, because they're going to be late for the nine-o'clock orgy!
WAITOHOORU[to Spanky]: Ah, Little Bo Peep, your timing couldn't be more accurate. You know what you're here for, right?
SPANKY: You bet I do! ...It's to have sex with a sheep, right?
WAITOHOORU: No... you're here to do a little dance for us!
SPANKY: A dance? You mean, a dainty, girly, frou-frou dance... in front of everyone?
WAITOHOORU: Actually, you have to dance with your crook... and it's a pole dance!
[Xandir, and the three girls, whistle.]
SPANKY: Oh, whatever...
[Spanky wows the crowd (okay, the other seven contestants) with a sexy pole dance... which is about as sexy as can get when performed by a cross-dressing pig.]
FOXXY: Ooh, shake it now!
XANDIR: I can't wait to take that home with me!
[After performing his pole dance, Spanky returns to his seat.]
WAITOHOORU: Well, as you've figured out by now, we have some winners... and they are the four members of the girls' team!
[Clara, Foxxy, Toot, and Xandir whoop it up.]
TOOT: Yay! I don't have to do any chores today!
FOXXY: Hallelujah! Raise the roof, y'all!
WAITOHOORU: Congratulations, Xandir, Clara, Foxxy, and Toot! As a reward, you get to go to a spa later today, and you don't have to clean the Drawn Together house! Also, you don't have to wear your penalty outfits!
TOOT: Finally!
[Toot takes off her sequined bikini, exposing her breasts to everyone.]
STAN: Aaaa!
[And when Stan sees breasts he shouldn't be seeing, he, of course, shields his eyes.]
WAITOHOORU[to Toot]: You don't have to take them off NOW!
TOOT: Oopsie-tootsie! I couldn't help myself!
[Toot puts her bikini back on.]
SPANKY: Hey, why didn't Xandir get to put on his outfit?
WAITOHOORU: Um, I believe it's because Xandir didn't get a question wrong, like the rest of you did?
SPANKY: But Xandir's the king of cross-dressing, or rather, he's the QUEEN of cross-dressing!
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah, put it on!
XANDIR: Huh? What is this? I am not gay!
SPANKY AND CAPTAIN HERO[chanting]: Put - it - on! Put - it - on! Put - it - on!
WOOLDOOR: Yeah! Put - it - on!
SPANKY, CAPTAIN HERO, AND WOOLDOOR: Put - it - on! Put - it - on! Put - it - on!
WAITOHOORU: Okay, Xandir, if that's what they want...
XANDIR: Yeah, for their sake... I understand...
STAN: I don't believe this...
* * *
[Fast-forward to a shot of Xandir putting on his penalty outfit... which is a French maid's outfit with feather duster... even though he has no reason to wear it --- that is, unless you count the fact that he is the token gay character as the one reason.]
STAN(CC): And Xandir was wearing this maid's outfit... you know, I've been wondering... was the Animation Alliance on crack when they designed these challenges? They really are f***ed up!
WAITOHOORU: Ah, Maid Xandirette... you came just in time.
XANDIR: Oh, goody!
WAITOHOORU: You see, these three women are going to go to a spa soon, but one of them wants to have her feet massaged, by you!
XANDIR: Oh... goody...
WAITOHOORU: And that woman's name is Toot Braunstein, who happens to be the young girl in the bunny outfit?
TOOT[clapping her hands]: Yay!
XANDIR: Give Toot a foot massage? Oh, I'm totally enjoying this...
[Xandir approaches Toot's smelly, gunky, grimy, musty, malodorous, diseased, and scab-laden feet, and massages them with his hands.]
TOOT: And make sure to massage between the toes, servant!
XANDIR: Yes, dear...
[And since Toot's feet emit nasty odors, plenty of the contestants cover their noses, including Stan.]
STAN: Pee-yeeeew! Dude, those feet stink like hell!
XANDIR: Well, I've massaged the feet of the Cyclops King, and I've so gotten used to that!
STAN: Anyway, I'm glad I'M not doing it! Yuck...
TOOT: Get them all, Xandir! My feet have to look their best, because I'm going to have a pedicure soon!
CAPTAIN HERO: The people at the spa might have to use hedge clippers for THOSE feet, Toot!
SPANKY: Suh-LAM!
[Spanky and Captain Hero high-five each other again.]
TOOT: Make jokes while you can, boys. We'll have the last laugh when you're cleaning the house for us!
CLARA: Ooh, I can tell these men were born servants! Maybe father should hire them to clean my castle every week!
[Xandir, and the women, giggle, while the men scowl angrily at them.]
* * *
[Fast-forward to the front of the Drawn Together house. A limousine is parked outside, waiting to pick the four members of the girls' team up. Those four members are in their normal clothes, while Stan, Spanky, Captain Hero and Wooldoor are in their penalty outfits.]
WAITOHOOORU: Well, girls, I see your ride is here. Have fun at the spa, you four!
XANDIR: Oh, we're going to have the best mani-pedi ever! You will just DIE when you see us walk back into the Drawn Together house!
SPANKY[under his breath]: And after we die, we're taking you with us...
[Waitohooru, Xandir, Clara, Toot, and Foxxy get into the limousine. Once they get in, they close the doors, and the limousine takes off, toward the direction of the spa.]
STAN: Bye, Clara! Bye, Foxxy! Bye, Xandir! Bye, Toot!
WOOLDOOR: Bring us back something! Pretty please?
[Eventually, the limo drives so far away from the Drawn Together house that it becomes nothing more than a single dot of ink... one which you can easily make yourself on a paper with a pen.]
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Stan and Captain Hero dusting the first-floor hallway in their penalty outfits.]
STAN(CC): Since the girls' team won the reward challenge, they have to get pampered up at some spa, while we have to stay behind and clean the entire house while wearing our penalty outfits. Not that there's anything wrong with cleaning the house... I like cleaning the house, of course I do! But if Cartman were playing this game instead of me, he'd definitely have a fit!
STAN: Dude... this is wrong on so many levels.
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah, somewhere out there, kittens are caught in trees, people are trapped in burning buildings, and babies are being sold at online auctions! I should be out rescuing them all... but noooooo, I get stuck doing THIS! This isn't what men like me are supposed to be doing!
STAN: Yeah, I wouldn't be caught dead cleaning the house in this outfit unless I was mentally insane or something.
[Stan lifts up a painting of flowers, and cleans the dust off the dust-covered spot the painting used to cover.]
CAPTAIN HERO: You should talk! I can't even pick up any chicks in this getup! Okay, technically, I *can* pick them up, *with* both of my arms, but still... you know what I mean!
[Captain Hero uses his super speed to take vases off a shelf, and then dust the shelf, and then put the vases back in their original positions as if they never left them to begin with. He's that good.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Good thing I have super speed! The house will be cleaned a lot quicker thanks to that!
STAN: Yeah, but dude, what kind of man enjoys cleaning, anyway?
WOOLDOOR(OS): WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Wooldoor, in his schoolgirl outfit, enters the hallway, riding a mechanical vacuum cleaner!]
WOOLDOOR: Ride 'em, cowgirl!
[Stan and Captain Hero have to get out of the way while Wooldoor vacuums past them.]
STAN: Damn, dude! That was close!
CAPTAIN HERO: You're telling me...
STAN: But wasn't Spanky supposed to be cleaning with us?
CAPTAIN HERO: I think he's still in the bathroom, working on the toilets!
STAN: Or he could be just going to the bathroom, and taking a REALLY long dump, and using that as an excuse to get out of his housework!
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah, that could work...
* * *
[Cut to Spanky, in his Bo Peep outfit, in the bathroom. He has taken Xandir's photo album out of the Red Room, and is currently removing the photos that are inside it.]
SPANKY(CC): According to the story, while Xandir is at the spa with the three girls, I steal the photo album from his room...
[Spanky is now putting some film into a camera he took out of camera space (don't ask). He pulls down his dress, exposing his pink hairy ass. He then points the camera at his ass, and takes some "moon shots". He puts them in the photo album where Xandir's photos used to be.]
SPANKY(CC): ...and I replace all those photos of his with shots of my bare ass. This will not only freak Xandir out, but it will definitely freak Stan out as well! But I hope Captain Hero and Wooldoor distract him long enough... I don't want him to find out I'm doing this until Xandir shows everyone my masterpiece... or rather, my ASS-terpiece!
[Spanky gives Xandir's photos to a cameraman, who nods his head while Spanky nods his back. The cameraman places the photos in his jacket pocket.]
SPANKY(CC): I also want Stan to think I flushed Xandir's original photos down the toilet. Xandir, of course, is going to get those photos back after the show. I know how valuable those photos are to him, and I wouldn't do anything to them, because he's a really nice guy. Xandir, you rule, dude! Teach me how to kill those dragons sometime, baby!
[Shot of Spanky running toward the Red Room, placing the photo album back on Xandir's bed as if it never left.]
* * *
[Meanwhile, Wooldoor and Captain Hero are still distracting Stan --- I mean, helping Stan clean the living room.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Man, I thought the gay guy would have lost the challenge... why isn't HE cleaning the house instead of us?
WOOLDOOR: Well, I'm going to keep cleaning, to get back into Waitohooru's good graces!
CAPTAIN HERO: Really?
[Wooldoor holds up a cleaning rag, and polishes a table lamp with it.]
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, he said I was a naughty girl, and I want to be a good little girl! So... I'm gonna clean! Wheee!
[Wooldoor raises his cleaning rag, dips it into a cleaning bucket, holds the cleaning rag up to the wall, and runs laps around the living room... getting Captain Hero and Stan drenched in the process.]
STAN(CC): I guess Wooldoor really loves to clean... but then again I guess it's because he loves just about everything! And he got some water on me! Well, at least he didn't pee on me...
STAN: Well, I tell you what, if the house is going to be clean, we might as well be clean along with it!
CAPTAIN HERO: Yeah, you're right...
[Wooldoor continues to run around the living room waving his cleaning rag around like a psycho freak... and moistening Stan and Captain Hero.]
WOOLDOOR: Wheeeee!
STAN[to Captain Hero]: Dude... your diaper is wet.
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, I wet myself? I hope the girls get back... I want to change!
STAN: Um... I think it's from Wooldoor's dew rag!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh. Never mind. Sorry.
[Wooldoor STILL runs more laps around the living room, cleaning it (and Captain Hero and Stan) much further.]
WOOLDOOR: Wheeeeeeeeee!
CAPTAIN HERO[to Stan]: Hey, Stan... before the other four get back... do you think we should... you know, short-sheet the beds?
[Stan fumes.]
CAPTAIN HERO: You know... just to play a little prank on them?
STAN: Dude, we're not playing any pranks, okay? Those girls will probably get pissed off at us... so, no pranks!
[Shot of Spanky and Captain Hero sharing the same camera confessional.]
SPANKY(CC): I'm afraid it's much too late for THAT, my friend!
CAPTAIN HERO(CC): Yeah, we just pulled one behind your back, little boy! Toasted!
[Spanky and Captain Hero high-five.]
[Cut back to Captain Hero, Stan, and Wooldoor cleaning the living room. Spanky, still in his Bo-Peep outfit, enters the living room nonchalantly.]
STAN: Dude, where the hell were you? We could have really used your help!
SPANKY: Oh man... what the hell was that black-and-white cow eating this morning? I had to flush the toilet like, a thousand times just to get rid of it all!
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, no wonder you were in there so long...
STAN: Anyway, I think we've got the kitchen left to do. And this time, all four of us are cleaning it together!
SPANKY: W... wha? All four of us? ...Well, I... I guess, if you say so...
WOOLDOOR[excited]: Yay! Wheeeeeeeeee!
* * *
[Fast-forward to the limousine returning to the Drawn Together house, carrying Toot, Clara, Foxxy, and Xandir back from the spa. The limousine stops at the front door, and the four members of the girls' team get out, and then walk through the front door of the house.]
TOOT: Honey, we're home!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh my god... they're here!
[The four members of the guys' team welcome the four members of the girls' team back into the Drawn Together house... and not only that... they notice the makeovers each of the four have gotten while they were apparently at this spa... which I don't even know exists because I scripted Stan to stay inside the Drawn Together house all day.]
STAN(CC): The other four people returned to the house, and they told me that while they were at the spa, these people gave them makeovers, and manicures, and pedicures... and they also gave them mud baths... I was so jealous of them. But then, I hold no grudges against any of them for winning, since they won fair and square... I think.
FOXXY: Check us out, yo!
STAN: Whoa... all four of you had your toenails done?
XANDIR: Yeah, we look so gorgeous! Don't you think?
CLARA: These Asian people gave us a facial... which was a relief, because I thought for sure they were going to kill us!
CAPTAIN HERO: Well, you look much better than WE do right now!
SPANKY: Yeah, and I never thought I'd see the day the fat girl actually looked good!
TOOT: Well, that's because I look good EVERY day?
XANDIR: Y... yeah... in any case, I'm going to take a picture of all four of us, and it's going right in the photo album!
SPANKY: So you say...
[Xandir pulls his camera out of camera space. He gets the three girls together, then places the camera on a tripod, presses a button on the camera causing the little light to flash, and then dashes over to the girls to pose with them.]
XANDIR: Okay, ladies, say "Drawn Together"!
CLARA, FOXXY, AND TOOT: Drawn Together!!!
[The light goes off, and the camera flashes, capturing Xandir and the women in a spectacular photo. Xandir takes the photo out of the camera and looks at it.]
XANDIR: Wow... another fabulous shot! I was right, this one's definitely going in the album!
[Xandir takes the photo with him, and races toward the Red Room. Meanwhile, Spanky giggles to himself.]
STAN[to Spanky]: Dude... what's so funny?
SPANKY: Oh nothing... it's just a little joke I read on the Internet this one time. You're probably too young to understand it.
STAN: Hyeah, like I'd WANT to understand cheap potty humor...
SPANKY: You haven't been on the Net that much, have ya, m'boy?
[Suddenly, an angry Xandir storms back into the living room, taking the photo album with him.]
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, hey, dude.
XANDIR: All right, everyone...
[Xandir opens the photo album, and shows the other seven contestants the photos of Spanky Ham's ass.]
XANDIR: ...What is this?
SPANKY: Why, it's a photo album. Duh.
XANDIR: It's not just a photo album... it's MY photo album! Who took it from my room while I was at the spa... and replaced the photos that were in there with... with THESE?
[Xandir pulls out one of the ass photos and shows it to everyone.]
STAN: Dude, that is the sickest thing I've seen yet!
STAN(CC): Maybe I missed something, but I thought I saw photos of someone's ass inside Xandir's photo album. They can't possibly be photos Xandir took himself, because I don't think Xandir would even want to take photos of THAT.
* * *
[Black-and-white flashback shot of Xandir showing everyone the photo album once again.]
XANDIR: I don't like taking pictures of anything negative, because they're really disgusting and icky.
* * *
STAN(CC): Yeah, because he said they are really disgusting, or something like that... I don't know... did one of my friends do this while I was cleaning the living room... because I know I did not do this! Maybe it was Spanky... yeah... THAT'S it!
XANDIR: I had photos of rare monsters that I defeated... they were in that album!
SPANKY: Well, maybe that is one of those monsters... it's the rare bear-ass, you know, the mythological creature that is part bear and part ass? I think it was from Greek mythology... probably... definitely not Roman, because even Roman mythology would never be THAT freaky!
XANDIR: Spanky... did you do this?
SPANKY: Hey, those photos could be of anyone's ass!
XANDIR: Hello? The ass in the photo was pink!
SPANKY: So? Stan has a pink ass! Captain Hero has a pink ass! Wooldoor... well, he doesn't have a pink ass, but it could be one of those other two! It wasn't me!
STAN: Dude, I definitely did not do this!
CAPTAIN HERO: And I didn't do this either... at least... I wanted to, but I couldn't, because that would be a violation of my superheroic duties!
[Wooldoor raises both hands in the air.]
WOOLDOOR: All right... I confess! I did it!
[Captain Hero and Stan glare at Wooldoor angrily.]
STAN: You didn't do it either, Wooldoor!
WOOLDOOR: You're right... I didn't. Silly me.
XANDIR: Where are my photos, Spanky?
[Xandir pulls out his sword, and points the sharp end of the sword at Spanky.]
XANDIR: Where are they?!
SPANKY: Easy, man, don't shish-kebab me with that thing! Relax, I'll show you where they are, you guys... c'mon, follow me...
[Spanky leads the other contestants to the bathroom.]
SPANKY: You wanted your photos back, Xandir, so...
[Spanky points to the toilet bowl.]
SPANKY: ...go get 'em!
XANDIR: Y... you flushed my photos down the toilet? Spanky, how could you?
STAN: Yeah, how could you?
SPANKY: Well, I ---
XANDIR: Don't you know that these photos were one-of-a-kind? They can never be replaced!
SPANKY: Well, take some new ones!
XANDIR: I can't... I took pictures of the monsters when they were alive... and they are all dead now!
SPANKY: So, dig up their graves and take pictures of their corpses!
XANDIR: Spanky... you have really done it. You have ruined my shot at getting a Photography Badge that I would have gotten for a complete photo album! It would have increased EVERY SINGLE ONE of my stats by fifty! Fifty, Spanky! Fifty!
SPANKY: Yeah, and I suppose you wanted to wear it so you can have something to wear to convince the Great Fairy Queen to give you, like, a million extra lives, to make up for the millions you already wasted on that crappy photo album, which, by the way, I don't give a sh** about?
[At this point, Xandir has a lot of tears in his eyes.]
XANDIR[crying]: Spanky... you are so hurtful!
[Spanky raises his fist at Xandir.]
SPANKY: Believe me, you haven't seen hurtful yet, gay boy...
STAN: God, why am I watching this?
XANDIR[still crying]: Okay, that's it, everyone... I'm going back to my room.
[Xandir, still with tears in his eyes, leaves the bathroom, and goes back to the Red Room.]
SPANKY: Hey, come back here, you pussy!
[As soon as Spanky says "pussy", the word "pussy" appears over everyone's heads in Squigglevision-style lowercase letters.]
SPANKY: I wasn't done talking to you!
[Spanky heads toward the Red Room, waving his fist at Xandir.]
FOXXY: Ooh, Spanky in trouble!
STAN(CC): Spanky is not going to get in anyone's good graces now... not even mine. By flushing all of Xandir's photos down the toilet, he has just dug a huge hole for himself that he's never going to get out of. And if he does find a way out of it, I'm going to throw him right back in, because I'm sick and tired of his crap. I'm sure Xandir feels the same way...
XANDIR(CC): That was a brilliant performance, if I do say so myself. I should totally be on the stage! But yet, I think we may have been a smidgen too hard on Stan by forcing him to watch all of this... and no, Spanky did not flush my pictures down the toilet...
[Xandir shows us all the pictures from his photo album.]
XANDIR(CC): ...See? They're right here, in perfect condition! And also, there's no such thing as a Photography Badge! It's called the PhotographER'S Badge! There's a difference!
* * *
[Cut to a shot of Stan, Toot, Captain Hero, Wooldoor, and Foxxy just lying around in the living room... a bit sad and lethargic after all the stress that was caused by the recent events in the Drawn Together house. Since the house has been cleaned, Stan, Captain Hero, and Wooldoor are no longer wearing their penalty outfits.]
[Suddenly, Stan hears some melodic singing down the hallway. Stan recognizes the voice, which reverberates from the Green Room, as Princess Clara's.]
STAN(CC): After Spanky and Xandir argued, we were basically stressed out and just laying in the living room... when we heard Clara sing for some odd reason. Maybe she's just as stressed out as I am, and singing is probably her method of relieving stress.
CAPTAIN HERO: Wait... is that Princess Clara singing?
STAN: How do you know Clara is singing?
CAPTAIN HERO: Hello! Super hearing!
FOXXY: How can that cracker princess possibly sing at a time like this...
TOOT: I think someone should talk to her!
[Captain Hero picks up Stan, and throws him down the hall toward the Green Room.]
STAN: I... I guess it's me, then.
[Stan grudgingly opens the door to the Green Room. He sees Clara singing, along with Xandir, in an Indian position on the floor, listening.]
CLARA[singing]: Oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be!
[Xandir applauds Clara's magnificent singing (and I'll have to agree with Xandir, because Tara Strong, her voice actress, is a good singer, BTW).]
XANDIR: Wow... I feel totally refreshed now! Thanks a bunchie, Clara!
CLARA: Why, you're welcome, Xandir!
[Xandir gets up from his Indian position.]
XANDIR: Your music is, like, completely therapeutic! Maybe when I go on my next quest, I should have you join my party!
CLARA: Well, I don't know about that... those horrible monsters you speak of will want to kidnap me! I fear they might put tie me up and hang me over a cauldron... or worse... they might summon some bad people to watch my suffering... and even worse, those people could be... Korean!
XANDIR: And they call MY nightmares myths, honey! Don't worry, not all monsters, or Koreans, are like that! Besides, I'll be by your side!
[Xandir goes over to Clara, and plants a kiss on her forehead.]
CLARA: Ooh!
XANDIR: Well, I'm going to go to the living room! Ciao!
[Xandir leaves the Green Room, humming the song Clara was singing.]
STAN: Whoa... Clara, what song were you singing to him?
CLARA: Why, it's a song my father taught me when I was a baby. I sing it whenever a bad person makes me feel uncomfortable. For instance, I sing it whenever some people from the Middle East pay the castle a visit.
STAN: Uh... not all people from the Middle East are evil, Clara.
CLARA: Really?
STAN: Yep. Not all people. Just Saddam and Osama.
CLARA: Oh?
STAN: Believe me, I saw them, and not just on TV and in the newspapers. I actually met them face to face, so I know how evil they really are.
CLARA: Well, when you meet up with them once again, you should sing this to them.
STAN: Actually, I don't think I *ever* want to meet them again!
CLARA: Still, you should sing it anyway! Want me to teach you?
STAN: I... I guess.
[Clara places a hand on Stan's shoulder, clears her throat, and begins to sing.]
STAN(CC): So Clara began singing me this song that she told me would be very effective the next time I was going to meet up with Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden... which, after now, will be never again! [laughs]
CLARA[singing]: Bullies are people who hate themselves... abused at age six, or molested at twelve...
[Clara closes her eyes, and raises both of her hands.]
CLARA[singing]: So they pick on others, isn't it odd... because their real quarrel is... with... God!
[While Clara is singing, some cartoon birds fly through the window, and land on her arms.]
STAN: Whoa, dude!
CLARA[singing]: Now who's afraid of a bully? Not me... no, not me! For there are much better things to be frightened of, like people of color, and gay homo love! So stand up to the bully, stand tall and true... just like Jesus stood up to those misguided Jews!
[Some more cartoon animals enter the Green Room through the window, and stand next to Clara, accompanying her in her song.]
STAN[smiling]: Oh, now I see what you mean!
CLARA[singing]: Now who's afraid of a bully? Not me... no, not me! And when you stand up to that bully, he'll flee... oh yes, he'll flee like the pathetic, insecure, cowardly loser he be!
[Clara bows, and her animal friends bow along with her, while Stan applauds her brilliant singing.]
STAN(CC): I think I remember all the words to Clara's song... I think it went something like... [trying to sing] Bullies are people who hate themselves... [laughs] I can't sing quite as good as Princess Clara, so maybe I should let HER sing it from now on...
STAN: Clara... I have to admit, your song totally rules!
CLARA[giggling]: Stan, thank you!
STAN: You know, you should put that song on a CD! I'd bring it to school with me, and let all my friends at school listen to it!
CLARA: Oh, so they can learn to fear minorities too, like blacks and gays?
STAN: ...Uh, the song's not supposed to be about blacks and gays. Maybe... you should leave those lyrics out of the song, as long as it can still be about bullies... okay?
CLARA: Oh, all right, I can allow that. I'm okay with that.
STAN: All right, then!
CLARA(CC): Stan really liked my song so much he wanted me to put it on a CD! You know what... that's not a bad idea! But if I am to put my music on a CD, I will do it simply for amusement, and not for money! NOT for money! Heavens no! I do not want to be exploited, particularly by Jewish music executives... those are the worst kind of music executives ever!
* * *
[As soon as Stan leaves the Green Room, he notices Spanky and Foxxy having a "friendly discussion" in the hallway. Foxxy is, of course, waving her finger in Spanky's face, because she will always wave her finger in his face... unless the animators decide to draw her in a different position.]
FOXXY[to Spanky]: You trippin', Spanky? Why you gotta be in everyone's bidness?
SPANKY[pretending not to understand]: I... I'm sorry, what was that?
FOXXY: You ALWAYS be tellin' us you all that, but don't play with Foxxy like THAT, jive turkey!
SPANKY: "Jive turkey"? For the love of Topato, Foxxy... why can't you just learn to speak English like the rest of us?
STAN: Oh my god...
STAN(CC): After listening to Clara sing, I noticed a confrontation between Spanky and Foxxy. I immediately knew it was going to get ugly in a hurry...
[Spanky waves his hand in Foxxy's face.]
SPANKY: Y... you know what? F*** this. F*** this bullsh**.
STAN: What the f*** is wrong with you, Spanky? Tell me!
[Spanky raises his middle finger at Stan, completely scaring him.]
STAN: Jesus!
STAN(CC): And then Spanky completely flipped me off! I've gotten used to Cartman flipping me off several times, but this guy... I'm definitely not going on HIS site, that's for sure!
FOXXY: Ooh, Spanky, what you done? You done flip a po' little boy off!
SPANKY: So, who gives a rat's ass?
FOXXY: Okay, you askin' fo' it!
[Foxxy raises not just her middle finger at Spanky, but the ENTIRE HAND!]
STAN: Whoa!
FOXXY: Talk to the hand, Spanky, 'cause these fox ears don't wanna hear it!
SPANKY: Okay, then...
[Spanky moves his head over to Foxxy's hand... and actually talks to it.]
SPANKY[to Foxxy's hand]: Hey, Foxxy's hand... any chance of me actually getting it on with the hot black girl you belong to? Huh?
[Foxxy immediately walks away from Spanky, and holds Stan by the hand.]
SPANKY: Hey! Listen to me!
FOXXY[to Stan]: C'mon, chile. Come with me.
* * *
[Cut to the courtyard. Foxxy has led Stan over to the hot tub.]
STAN(CC): Foxxy immediately took me to the hot tub... because I think she wants us to relax in it to relieve some of the stress we've been having lately.
FOXXY(CC): As much as I wanted to get my freak on with the little boy in the hot tub... I knew that I had to stick to the script... besides, I can't make love to Stan! One, the boy is underage, and two, he WHITE! He and his family can't handle dark chocolate, baby!
STAN: Foxxy... why did you want me to come out here?
FOXXY: Oh, Foxxy just want you to relax a spell, boy.
STAN: But... but I'm not in my swim trunks or anything!
FOXXY: Foxxy can wait.
* * *
[Stan races back to the Master Bedroom, where he changes into his swimming trunks. (Man, he's been changing clothes a lot this episode, hasn't he?) He takes a towel with him and immediately races downstairs, and back to the courtyard.]
STAN: Okay, Foxxy, I'm ---
[Immediately, Stan looks in the hot tub, and sees that Foxxy isn't the only one in there anymore. She, and the six remaining Drawn Together cast members, are all in the hot tub, in their bathing suits.]
STAN: Okaaaaay.
STAN(CC): When I went to the Master Bedroom to get changed, Foxxy called the other six houseguests over to the hot tub. I think she wanted to bring everyone together for some kind of game she wanted everyone to play.
FOXXY: Okay, y'all! Now that we all here, we gone play a fun game called, "Kiss The Ugly Frog"!
CLARA: And how do we play that, Foxxy? Do we find an ugly frog, and then kiss him, so he turns into a handsome prince? Hm?
FOXXY: No, girl. In "Kiss The Ugly Frog", one of us sits in the center of the hot tub, and the otha' seven of us hafta say somethin' nice about that person!
STAN: But... what if whoever is in the center is someone we don't like?
FOXXY: Say somethin' nice about them anyway!
CAPTAIN HERO: Ooookay then.
STAN(CC): The game is called "Kiss The Ugly Frog", and in this game, we would have to say something nice about whoever was sitting in the center of the hot tub at that time.
FOXXY: Now, I'ma go first.
[Foxxy takes her position in the center of the hot tub. The other seven contestants surround her.]
FOXXY: Now, y'all say somethin' nice about me.
[The other seven contestants think of some nice things to say about Foxxy.]
SPANKY[to Foxxy]: Well, you're hot, and you've got a nice ass!
TOOT[to Spanky]: I knew you'd say something like that...
FOXXY: Yeah, but it so true! Go on!
WOOLDOOR: I'm next! [to Foxxy] Foxxy, you're the mayonnaise for me!
FOXXY: Mayonnaise...?
WOOLDOOR: Yeah, because this one guy said it to this one girl on that one show I watched...
[Silence.]
WOOLDOOR: Wheeee!
CAPTAIN HERO: My turn! [to Foxxy] Foxxy, if you were trapped in a burning building, I'd definitely rescue YOU! ...Actually, I'd rescue the white people first, but I'll still rescue you after that!
[Silence.]
CAPTAIN HERO: That's all I have. Anyone else?
STAN: I've got one!
[Stan leans over to Foxxy.]
STAN[in black accent]: Foxxy... you go girl!
[A lot of the people in the hot tub laugh, including Foxxy.]
STAN[to Foxxy]: Seriously, Foxxy, I... I really like you. I know you're kind of the mother figure in this little group, and I know how you deal with all of us just because our races and religions may be different from yours... and I respect you for that, just like I respect all African-Americans, and I think you're a very nice lady, and I look forward to watching your series, because, from what you told me, I think it's very cool.
FOXXY: Aw, thank you!
* * *
[Now Wooldoor Sockbat is in the center of the hot tub.]
CLARA: Well... Wooldoor, I don't think anyone has racially insulted you yet, because I still haven't figured out YOUR race yet.
WOOLDOOR: Why thank you!
STAN: I've got one...
WOOLDOOR: Okay!
STAN[to Wooldoor]: Wooldoor... you're probably, like, the youngest person in this house other than me... and you have the innocence of a child. I don't think you'd do anything wrong on purpose, because you have a huge heart, and you love everyone here... and so I love you. But not in THAT way, of course! [giggles]
WOOLDOOR: Then, which way do you love me?
[Wooldoor raises his left hand, and points it upward.]
WOOLDOOR: Do you love me this way?
[Wooldoor lowers his right hand, and points it downward.]
WOOLDOOR: Or do you love me THIS way?
[Wooldoor flaps his arms around, pointing in a myriad of directions.]
WOOLDOOR: Or THIS way? Or THIS way?
[Wooldoor now sprouts multiple arms, pointing in every direction imaginable.]
WOOLDOOR: Or even THIS way?
[Stan laughs his ass off.]
STAN: Wooldoor, you slay me!
* * *
[Now it's Princess Clara in the center of the hot tub.]
SPANKY[to Clara]: Well, you're hot, and you've got a nice ass!
TOOT[to Spanky]: You already said that about Foxxy!
SPANKY: So?
TOOT: Why can't you say that about ME?
SPANKY: I'll... think about it...
STAN: My turn!
CLARA: Okay, Stan.
STAN[to Clara]: Clara... I know a lot of people may be a bit... offended by some of the remarks you make about them... but I know it's because you usually don't mean whatever you say. You're a kind-hearted woman, and you're very lovely. I also know all about your tragic upbringing, and how overprotective your father is... and for once I wish I could be in your shoes, so I could find out what it is like to be cut off from society!
[Stan goes over to Clara and gives her a very big hug.]
CLARA: I am ever so delighted by your kind words, young boy!
* * *
[Now it's Captain Hero's turn.]
XANDIR[to Captain Hero]: Um... you are definitely a buff and handsome man, very muscular... and very strong... and your superpowers are something to be seen!
CAPTAIN HERO[suspicious]: Are you coming on to me, Xandir?
XANDIR: No... no, it's not like that! I just like you, but... not like that!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh, okay.
STAN: My turn!
CAPTAIN HERO: Alright.
STAN[to Captain Hero]: Captain Hero... you are a true American hero. And you have the superpowers going for you... they are very cool and I really wish I had them. But then, a lot of my friends wish they have super powers like you... you are so cool, dude!
CAPTAIN HERO: Thanks!
* * *
[It's Xandir's turn to take center stage.]
TOOT[to Xandir, in sexy voice]: Xandir, I want you to slay the dragon in my woman-forest with your thick man-sword!
XANDIR: Um... how about anything that isn't... uh... creepy? And nothing about me being gay!
SPANKY[disappointed]: Aw!
STAN: How about... [to Xandir] Xandir... you are one of my favorites. You kick ass. You have a cool sword, and really cool armor... and I would love to be like you. I would love to go on adventures like you do, and I actually would like to fight alongside you, because it would be really sweet. There are a lot of evil monsters that we could defeat quickly if we could defeat them together!
XANDIR: Omigod omigod omigod! That's THE best thing I ever heard anyone say about me!
STAN: Don't you know it!
* * *
[Now it's Toot's turn to shine.]
TOOT[to Spanky]: And what were you going to say to me earlier?
SPANKY[to Toot]: Oh yeah, I remembered! Toot... you haven't broken the hot tub yet, so you're okay.
[Captain Hero giggles.]
TOOT[to Spanky]: Is that the best you can do?
SPANKY: Yeah, pretty much.
TOOT: Surely someone can do better than that!
[Stan raises his hand.]
STAN: I've got it! [to Toot] Toot, you may have thought that since you are a woman who eats a lot of food, you would never make any friends. You are wrong. I... I still love you, and as much as there are a lot of really cool cartoons coming out... I'm willing to give black-and-white cartoons a shot! I think they kick ass, no matter what anyone says!
TOOT[excited]: You... you really mean it?
STAN: Yeah, Toot! Plus, you're hot, and you've got a nice ass!
TOOT[really excited]: Yes! He said I have a nice ass! This boy's a gift from God!
FOXXY: Ooh, you go, chile!
* * *
[Spanky is next. However, after what happened, everyone is hesitant to even talk to him.]
SPANKY: Well? Say something nice about me!
FOXXY: Uh... you ain't been voted off yet!
SPANKY: I said something NICE, dammit!
TOOT: He actually said something nice? THAT'S a first!
[Foxxy, Clara, and Xandir giggle.]
STAN: Well... this has got to be one of the most difficult things I've ever said... but even though you may have freaked a lot of people out by some of the things you do... at least you're old enough to actually get away with doing them, since you're thirty-one, and I'm eight... so I envy you! But... Spanky, listen to me... as much as I don't want to do those things every single day... I guess it couldn't hurt for me to actually do them once in a while. Just... not too much, okay? [laughs]
SPANKY: This boy ain't half bad! I should put him in my next film!
STAN: Uh... it's not going to be one of those... child pornography films, is it?
SPANKY[laughs]: How did you know...?
[Stan laughs along with Spanky.]
* * *
[And finally, Stan is in the center of the hot tub.]
CLARA[to Stan]: Stan... you said you wanted to switch places with me. Well, I would be willing to switch places with you in a heartbeat, since I really want to explore the world outside the castle! I've heard you went on a lot of adventures, so much more than what I went on! Your stories fascinate me!
TOOT[to Stan]: And you did stand up for me when I needed some love... I felt so much better after talking with you!
CAPTAIN HERO[to Stan]: And don't forget when you helped clean the house with us! You're such a devoted worker!
WOOLDOOR[to Stan]: Yeah... you're one of the coolest friends I've ever had!
FOXXY[to Stan]: Before I moved into the Drawn Together house, I thought all white people were crazy. That changed when I met you, boy! You hella awesome!
XANDIR[to Stan]: And also, I gave the Master Bedroom to you because I know you wanted a room of your own to sleep in! You remind me of me when I was your age...
SPANKY[to Stan]: Yeah, like Xandir said... you remind me of me when I was your age... only I was more... pink at that age! Seriously, dude, you're the coolest!
XANDIR[to Stan]: We'd love to have you stay around for a long while!
STAN: Really... you mean all of that?
CLARA: Of course, we do, sweetie!
[Clara, Foxxy and Toot approach Stan, and gently massage him.]
TOOT: Yeah, he's the sweetest boy we ever met!
FOXXY: He da MAN!
STAN: Aw... you didn't really need to say that!
CLARA: Ah, but we DO!
STAN(CC): Kiss The Ugly Frog was one of my favorite moments that night. We all complimented each other, and I think I got the most compliments that I have ever gotten in a single day in my entire life! They may be weird, and they may be freaky, but I know all of them like me!
CLARA(CC): To tell you the truth, all the compliments we gave Stan did not come from the script. Our compliments came... from our hearts and souls, because we all love Stan so much, because he loves us so much!
STAN: Yeah, this is the best day of my life!
TOOT: You know it!
STAN: I'm pretty sure the next five days are going to be as sweet as this, and are going to be days I will really enjoy!
* * *
[Cut to Waitohooru, in the Animation Alliance studio, typing the script for Episode 4.]
WAITOHOORU[laughing]: Oh, you'll enjoy them, all right!
* * *
***END EPISODE 3***
***PREVIEW OF EPISODE 4***
WAITOHOORU(VO): Next time, on Animated Joe Schmo...
SPANKY: Dude, the robe was definitely meant for yours truly!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Stan gives Spanky a warning!
STAN: Just because you got away with it last time, doesn't mean you can get away with it this time.
SPANKY: Is that so...
WAITOHOORU(VO): The Immunity Challenge has three cameo guest stars ready to rip Stan a new one!
CAMEO GUEST STAR 1: It stinks!
CAMEO GUEST STAR 2: Holy crap, man!
CAMEO GUEST STAR 3: Baka baka...
STAN(CC): These people should never judge a talent show, dude!
WAITOHOORU(VO): With the second eviction ceremony coming up, Stan is caught in the middle!
CAPTAIN HERO: Oh no, he isn't! He's voting against the gay guy!
WOOLDOOR: He's voting against Toot! We made a promise!
STAN[surprised]: What?!
WAITOHOORU(VO): Will his vote decide who leaves the Drawn Together house next?
STAN: I'm... I'm really shocked.
* * *
Author's Notes:
Okay, I thought Animated Joe Schmo was going to be the only fanfic to parody the Joe Schmo series, that is, until Justin Schmo came along. It's this fanfic written by JusSonic, and, according to the storyline, a fanfic author named Justin Lawson is going to share the same house with eight cartoon characters, and it's scripted so that everyone makes his life a complete hell. Gee, I wonder who gave him THAT idea? (whistles, hides Animated Joe Schmo script under the bed)
Actually, it's not just JusSonic who's writing Justin Schmo. It's a lot of other fanfic authors, including yours truly. You can find it at the forums on www.toonzone.net, in the Story Board section. Try to figure out which sections of the story are mine!
If you watched Joe Schmo, you'll notice that a lot of the storylines in this chapter were similar to those in the third episode... the Battle of the Sexes competition (with penalty outfits, and with the gay guy on the women's team), the switch-the-photos-in-the-gay-guy's-photo-album-with-photos-of-your-ass prank, and the Kiss The Ugly Frog hot tub scene.
The next chapter is going to get a lot more interesting, as I introduce a love-triangle element, as well as three cameo guest stars (first one to get all three right before I write the chapter gets a cookie, if you've watched a lot of cartoons, you should be able to figure them out).
Anyway, see ya!
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Animated Joe Schmo