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The Shadow of his Heart	By : Catspeaker Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 12692 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 28
- 29
Lincoln and Leni didn’t end their lovemaking at just one time. That may have been the original plan and idea, just one time to experience with one another what could be…and then some cuddling before returning to the rest of the family and pretending to be normal…but the emotions and desires held back for years, finally being released was just too much for ‘only once’.
That and the discovery of just how physically attracted to one another they were didn’t help.
Leni was the first sister Lincoln had experienced rather deep ‘unbrotherly’ like feelings for. The first to really get into his head and cause him to imagine doing things you weren’t supposed to do with your sister. Yes, here and there the rest of his sisters had sometimes caused him to get aroused in ways he found uncomfortable at times (Luna in particular was way to chill about hanging out in her panties and cut off shirt in the mornings)…but it was Leni who was the first he had actually touched himself too, while fully fantasizing about being intimate with her.
He had buried those memories of course, just as any boy would. He had buried that shame deep down, the shame of imagining what his big sister’s body would look like, feel like, taste like, naked before him. He had tried to forget about the truth that had always been part of him, a truth that Lucy had been the one to unlock the door of, Lynn had opened up and Leni had stepped through completely.
He had always loved his sisters. He had always loved them a little more than was ‘appropriate’ and had lied to himself about it for years.
In light of that, in bed with the sister he had first really experienced feelings for that were of a romantic and sexual nature, he couldn’t have her just once. Just as Leni, finally having the man she adored her whole life all to herself couldn’t have him just once either.
They ended up doing it three more times over the course of an hour and a half. It started with their post-coital cuddling, the wordless gentle caresses between them, the shared kisses, the soft smiles and gazing into one another eyes, and giggling. Before they knew it, those kisses were coming more intense, those caresses were becoming far more sexual and they were going at it all over again. They would switch from soft, sweet, tender love making, to fun, rough, and kinky fucking, all at the same time. She rode his lap, while he held her in his arms tenderly. She sucked his cock to taste herself on him. He turned her over, pulled her hair while taking her from behind. He spanked her ass, all while she encouraged him to do so, yelling in that sweet and sensual way only Leni could, “Spank me Lincy! Spank your naughty girl! Pull my hair!”
She would drive him wild with that dirty talk, only to switch to them facing one another again, going in missionary, fingers laced together and locked, gazing into one another’s eyes. They whispered just how much they loved each other over and over again.
You couldn’t expect only a trickle after you destroyed a dam.
But an hour and a half later, they were both finally, finally spent. Leni had lost track of the number of orgasms she had. She felt exhausted, but in the most blissful and relaxing way possible, her whole body feeling like jello after being rocked so thoroughly by her little brother. Lincoln had came 5 times during it all. Which meant he had cum more than once during a single session. His erection even refusing to go down during two of them, as if his cock was yelling at him, ‘how dare you try and say we’re finished here! I’ll let you know when I’m done loving this angel!’
But with their sexual energy finally released, they were now quietly and tenderly cuddling together.
Leni’s head lay upon Lincoln’s chest, listening to his heart beat, Lincoln’s arm draped around her shoulder. Leni was hugging Lincoln tightly, now and then she would bring her hand up to gently caress his pecs, before placing a soft little kiss on his skin. Lincoln would respond by kissing the top of her head. She would look up with her big green eyes, meeting his blue and they would share a warm smile, before going back to wordless cuddling again.
Leni knew however, this bliss couldn’t last forever. They were going to have to talk. Lincoln knew it too. Neither of them wanted to do it, even if they both knew it was important. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if this moment could last forever? If they never had to leave this hotel room? Just bask in the warm feelings they shared…
But that wasn’t possible for either of them, because both were the type that put others first before themselves. They could only both be selfish for so long, before the creeping realization of what they had done, who they had betrayed and what all of this would mean reached those icy tendrils of dread in both their hearts and minds. The feeling of shame at their actions, because of who would not approve of it. The very same who that had made all of this possible.
It was clear who was on both their minds right now.
Lucy.
None of this would have happened without Lucy.
Lincoln would have never allowed himself to indulge in these feelings, to realize them and begin to accept them again, had Lucy not broken down the barriers of his soul and allowed him to indulge in this taboo love with far less shame and no denial. Leni herself knew she owed a debt of gratitude to her little sister, because she would have never had Lincoln like this, had Lucy not taken action.
Because that was the honest truth of the matter. For as much as Lucy had been ‘manipulative’, as much as she had been selfish in her own way, it had all come from a place of honest and true selfless love. Lucy was an immature teenager, she wasn’t evil. She was just a devoted girl who had acted from the depths of her heart.
She had followed the pact, she had stayed true to it, and it was only after seeing her brother in so much pain did she take action.
She hadn’t stolen him from any existing girlfriend he’d had before. She had truly waited until he was with no one else and acted when she saw the opportunity. She had acted with nothing less than the desire to make her big brother the happiest man in the world with the most devoted woman who understood him better than almost anyone else. She had not given him any sign over the years she loved him more than anything else than a very devoted little sister. She had taken action because she loved her big brother, and wanted to make him happy.
That was the crux of what Leni understood. Lucy may have been the one to break the pact, but that was only because, as much as her and Lincoln had spoken about her selfish immaturity, she was also the only one who had the true bravery and will to tell her brother about her feelings and ease him into accepting the ultimate taboo they shared.
Lucy had paved the way to even allow Lynn and Leni to experience the real love they desired with Lincoln, even if only temporarily. Lincoln had no idea how he would have reacted to Lynn’s advances the night they were together without Lucy having been with him first. He doubted he would have accepted them so readily had Lucy not reminded him it was okay to love his sisters. Leni knew she would have never gotten this date with her Lincy, had Lucy not taught Lincoln he didn’t need to feel ashamed for those feelings if his sisters returned them.
Now here Leni was in bed with the man of her dreams, but only because her little sister had made it possible, the very little sister she was now betraying. The sweet little introverted girl who had grown up always worried she was forgotten, that she stood as far too gloomy among her bright and sunny family.
What had Leni just done? She’d walked along, picked up the beautiful creation Lucy had painstakingly worked on, and more or less had stated, ‘Oh, Lucy, I’m going to like, borrow this for a while, might even keep it for myself, hope you totes don’t mind!’
What kind of big sister was she? Lucy was the most sensitive girl in the family, and Leni knew what she did would hurt her. Even if Leni felt she was at least a little justified, that she too did deserve a chance with Lincy, it didn’t make it feel the best to her. It was why she wanted to share Lincoln with them. It was why she wanted the four of them to be together, it was the only way to make things fair, and because she couldn’t live with herself knowing how Lynn and Lucy felt, and keeping Lincy all to herself.
Leni gave a long-drawn-out sigh, and Lincoln nodded, speaking up, breaking the silence, “I know Leni. I know.”
Leni looked up at him and pouted, the beatific angel seeming so distraught, “Lincy, I like, love this so much, but I’m so sorry! I know I just, I just made this all worse for all of us!”
Lincoln looked down at Leni, a quirked eyebrow and a slightly ironic smile. It was strange to realize his big sister who was typically so selfless had taken a completely selfish action, and was only really worrying about it after the fact.
“Better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission huh?” Before he shook his head, “No Leni, I wanted this too. The faults both of ours.” He knew he shared the blame too of course.
Leni looked up, her lips almost quivering, her eyes tearing up slightly, “This, this will probably be the happiest day of my life, for like, a long time Lincy, but, but I know you did it because I asked you too.”
Leni saw the expression on Lincoln’s face change. It was still playful, but it was clear he was about to try and accept the majority of the blame. Before he could even speak, Leni continued.
“Don’t deny it Lincoln, you like, you can’t say no to us, and that’s your problem!”
Lincoln frowned at Leni’s outburst, he shook his head, a feeling of slight defiance in him, “That’s not entirely true, I’ve said no to you guys before. I just—”
But then Leni was interrupting him, “No, you can’t Lincy! I know you! You love us so much, and like, if any of us come to you with real need, if we’re hurting, or we really want our brother’s affection, you’ll always give it.”
Lincoln felt himself getting a little frustrated, more than that, he was feeling a little hurt. He knew Leni was right, more than anything the last few months had demonstrated to him just how much his sisters could get what they wanted from him. But was that such a bad thing? When he knew how much he loved them.
He responded in that frustrated tone, “Yes! Okay! Yes, I know I always say yes, but so what?! I love you! I love all of you, and I’m always going to love you! You even said it yourself Leni! I’m a little in love with all of you!”
Leni flinched slightly at Lincoln’s outburst, Lincoln winced seeing that, and immediately regretted it. But Leni didn’t blame him at all for his reaction.
The green-eyed angel reached her soft smooth hand up and took Lincoln’s cheek into her palm. Lincoln closed his eyes, looking remorseful.
Leni’s voice was soft and understanding, “I know Lincy, I do. But that doesn’t mean you owe us this. I know that’s like, totes hypocritical of me to say now, and I’m really really sorry. But I’m human Lincy and I… I just…I wanted to know what it was like. I had to know Lincoln! But here’s the thing Lincy, you need to learn to say No. You’re going to have to say No to some of us, maybe all of us.”
Lincoln opened his eyes, looking back towards the all too human angel. The one that looked like she had regrets of her own, the one that had played on his guilt and his devotion to get him to take her out. He understood in her own way Leni had manipulated him. She had used his overwhelming brotherly affection to get him to agree to take her out, even knowing he was technically already involved with their other sister…
And he didn’t feel any regret for any of it with her. His big sister was human, and she had wanted something only he could provide, and as much as it muddied the waters of his heart, he loved her too much to blame her for anything. Especially when she had let him live out one of his own deeply buried fantasies.
Lincoln breathed out, his face falling as he responded in a soft tone, “I don’t know what you mean, why do I have to say No? I don’t want to hurt any of you. You’re all everything to me. I don’t even know who I would be without all of you.”
Leni continued to give him a compassionate smile, “Because you need to make yourself happy too Lincy, because you won’t be able to make everyone in this situation happy. I know I told you I’m a package deal, but like, we really don’t know if Lucy and Lynn would even be willing to go along with it…and I won’t do it if they’re not on board too Lincy! Which means if you don’t want that, or Lucy doesn’t want that, or Lynn doesn’t, you’re going to have to tell some of us no. This was like, fun, this was amazing, but we can never do it again, unless we’re totes committed.”
Lincoln frowned even further in the face of the compassionate girl, he frowned as he realized what she was saying. He was so used to being able to make everyone happy in his life, he could bend over backwards, stretch himself out, make sure everyone he loved was getting what they needed from him. The man with the plan was the most reliable member of the family. He knew exactly what everyone needed or wanted to be happy, and he could almost always make it happen. Whether it was his sisters or his parents. He was so good at making sure everyone got what they wanted. Why couldn’t he keep doing that?! He wanted to keep thinking he could do that! Somehow, right?
And then Leni said something to him that really brought the harsh reality home for him, in such a sad but accepting tone, one that understood she was setting herself up for potential disappointment. He understood she was being completely selfless in the statement.
“You might have to tell all of us No Lincy, to get what you really want.”
Lincoln gazed back at his sister, there was heavy implications there. Say no to all of them? To all of his sisters to get what he wanted? But what did he want if not his sisters? Who did he really want, without the feelings of familial obligation getting involved? He already knew who she was talking about, but his lips refused to acknowledge it.
He lied.
“I don’t know what you mean Leni.”
But Leni was undeterred.
“Yes, you do Lincy. You know exactly what it is. You know who it is. It’s Ronnie Anne.”
Lincoln flinched, his eyes closed, shoulders hunching, even as the very name of his old girlfriend conjured such warm feelings in him, feelings of love, safety, acceptance, understanding, all of them bound up in the pretty Latina.
Leni went on, she stated a truth she had seen the moment her little brother and Ronnie saw one another in the apartment last night, “You still love her Lincoln.”
Lincoln felt so small, so guilty. He was lying naked with his older sister, a girl that meant so much to him. Enough he had crossed the laws of nature and man to be with her and here he was suddenly having feelings for another girl.
He gave a soft shrug, “So what if I do? Doesn’t mean she loves me back, and it doesn’t mean I love her more than any of you.”
Leni gave him such a wistful and sweet smile, shaking her head, “Lincy, you have always been totes blind when it comes to girls liking you. You like, had a line of girls who were just waiting, hoping you would ask them out all your life.”
Lincoln looked up at his sister a little flustered, his eyebrow raising, “What? Come on, that’s not true. I was like the king dork of school, Journalism and Yearbook club, come on Leni.”
Leni laughed softly and booped her little brother’s nose again, speaking softly, “O M Gosh Lincoln, did you ever bother talking to us about girls? Did you bother asking Lynn, or Lucy or or heck even Lola about how their friends felt about you? How many girls went up asking them about you?! Lincy, you have always been popular with girls, you were always just too sweet to notice when a girl was trying to flirt with you, and like, didn’t go out of your way to ask a lot of them out.”
Of everything that had been happening, this conversation on top of everything else was just a new level of frustration for Lincoln. Lincoln was so proud to be a dork, a geek and a nerd. He wore those labels without shame. But, because of that, he had internalized the idea that being a dork, a geek, or a nerd meant you had to automatically be bad at the game of love. Yet, when he really thought back on it, he had lots of female friends throughout school. None of them seemed to have a problem with his hobbies, he was frequently invited to parties, and even his little close friend group of fellow nerds was just recognized as another one of the school cliques, one he was known as the leader of.
Hell, the Jocks didn’t even pick on him, because he was the one writing all the stories on their games! But where was this mysterious line of girls that Leni was talking about all his life?! Where were they?
He gave a frustrated and angry sigh, throwing his hands up, “Well, if, if they liked me so much, why didn’t they tell me?!”
Leni in this moment, was firmly back in big sister mode, as she watched her little brother be completely blind to a fundamental truth of the universe. One only he could be completely blind to, with 10 sisters. She placed her palm over her eyes.
“Lincoln, not every girl is Ronnie Anne. Most girls aren’t! Like, most girls want the boy to be the one who asks them out! Those girls were totes telling you to ask them out in other ways, and you never did! But even you Lincoln aren’t so blind as to see Ronnie Anne isn’t like, completely in love with you still!”
Linc felt his heart twisting in knots, twisting and stretching in ways he never thought possible. it seemed like it was being split in so many different directions. He loved too many people, he wanted to make everyone happy, and selfishly believed he could. He put his face in his hands and sighed.
“I know, I know she does. I see it in her, and I feel it when I’m near her. I feel everything that was great about us, I remember all the happy memories I have with her. She was my first everything Leni! First girlfriend, first kiss, first time! But even knowing all of that, it doesn’t mean I think we can just get back together, or even that I love her more than any of you!”
Leni placed her hand gently on Lincoln’s chest and waited for him to take his hands from his face. When he finally looked back at her she hit him with the truth he had slowly come to realize.
“Lincoln, you can’t make everyone happy. Not every time, not always. Sometimes, you are going to make people sad. Sometimes you’re going to break their heart, and not because you did anything wrong either. You can hurt people, just by like, deciding they’re not the person you want to be with, and that is sad, but that’s life. The worst thing you could ever do is be with someone like, just out of a sense of obligation! It wouldn’t be fair to you, and it wouldn’t be fair to them.”
Lincoln hated hearing this, he hated hearing all of it. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He doubted most people in the world really wanted to hurt people who liked them, but part of him almost wished he didn’t have this kind of attention. He fell on his side, his hands over his head, groaning.
“It’s not fair Leni! None of this is fair! I don’t even know what to do! I don’t want to hurt you, or Lucy, or Lynn, or Ronnie Anne! It’s not fair you’re my sisters and I love you so much, and I feel like I did Ronnie Anne wrong so I owe her too!”
Leni gave another long-drawn-out sigh as she leaned over her little brother’s body. Her soft breasts pressing into his ribs as she folded her arms underneath her head, frowning as she looked at him.
“That’s just it Lincoln, you need to figure out what you want for yourself, and you’re going to have to do this soon.” Leni swallowed as she said the next words, knowing how difficult they would be for Lincoln.
“You need to tell Lucy what happened with you and me when you get back to her.”
Lincoln looked up from where he’d been almost cowering, disbelief on his face.
“What?! I can’t do that! She, she won’t understand, it’ll hurt her and---”
Leni interrupted him, “Yes she will Lincoln. It will hurt her, she won’t like it, it will make her angry, but she will understand. She’ll appreciate it in the long run, because even as much as it will hurt her right now, if you love her, if you really want to be with her and her only, she’ll know you had to see what your other sisters had to offer you, and you still chose her in the end.”
Lincoln response was quick, he loved Leni, but he was being defensive, he didn’t want to do this emotional labor, he didn’t want to face the consequences of his actions.
“And what am I supposed to do Leni!? You said I need to experience all of you right?! Go and take Lynn out on a date and have sex with her too?!”
Leni gave a gentle bittersweet smile, as she looked at Lincoln, one that was attempting to be reassuring, but also said she already knew something he was trying to hide.
“Lincy…you already did that with Lynn, didn’t you?”
Lincoln looked back with shock, embarrassment, shame on his features, his cheeks turning red as he shook his head defiantly, “No, Leni there’s just no way, how do you even, how would you know that?!”
Leni looked down with that sad smile still on her lips, her hands on his ribs, chin propped on them.
“Lori told me, in like, a backwards kind of way. She was trying to guilt me about things. She said Lynn called her recently and had dealt with her feelings towards you over her visit a few weekends ago. She was hoping that would like, inspire me to try and get over my own if Lynn could. But I knew, that meant she had to have had something really important happen with you and her.”
Lincoln slowly sat up, Leni rose up with him. Lincoln pulled his knees up and leaned his arms over them as he stared at the foot of the bed.
“We did. We spent the weekend together, it seemed like a normal reunion at first, but it felt more like a date. We had sex the first night she was back, I let her sleep with me, I held her and….it just sort of happened.”
Leni looked back towards her brother, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, “You’ll have to tell Lucy that too. She’s going to be very hurt, but she’ll also feel free afterwards. If you decide you want to be with her, she’ll know her other sisters had their fair chance too, and you still chose her in the end.”
Lincoln still looked positively distraught, the white-haired young man slipping his arms from his knees, taking his hands up into his hair as his heart already dreaded having that conversation with Lucy, imagining how hurt she would be. He looked slowly over towards Leni, uncertainty on his lips.
“Should I…have told Lynn about Lucy and I?”
Leni pursed her own lips in thought, before the Platinum blonde gave one long sigh and gently shook her head, “No Lincy, I don’t think she would have been ready for that. Lucy and I, we never felt ashamed about our feelings for you, but Lynn always did. In some ways, her love for you was the most intense, that’s why she was the one who wanted your time the most. But she also felt the guiltiest about it, she thought there was something wrong with her and with us. At least right now, with the way things are, telling her would hurt her and make her confused. She wouldn’t know how to feel, she’d be angry, and jealous and feel like we purposefully hurt her. In time she might have to find out, but I don’t think right now is that time.”
Lincoln slowly nodded his head as his heart continued to twist in knots. Everything Leni said was true, and now he had been intimate with the three sisters who loved him. He had tasted their love, he had felt it, he had welcomed it, one by one. He had mixed up the feelings of actual romance with familial obligation…all while he had rudely discovered the feelings for his first love had never faded the moment she had re-entered his life.
Ronnie Anne’s voice alone after going three years without hearing it, had been enough to set his heart beating so fast and to conjure up so many old feelings that had never truly died.
It was all so very confusing. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to say no to anyone. But Leni was right, he was going to have to make a decision. He needed to decide who he really wanted to be with, but right now he didn’t know anything anymore.
He didn’t even notice he’d begun to tear up, then he sniffled and realized he was starting to cry. Starting to cry because too many girls loved him. What kind of a real asshole did that? He didn’t even deserve that love, he’d slept with all three of his sisters now, and entertained thoughts of returning to an old girlfriend. He was the worst kind of human being, the exact example of the type of person he never wanted to be.
Before he could spiral any further, he felt Leni’s gentle arms slide around his torso, and pull him into a loving, sisterly hug. He slid his arms around her waist and placed his head against her bosom. He shuddered for a moment, as Leni held him, and gently stroked his hair like she did when he was younger and had a nightmare.
“Lincy, it’s gonna totes be okay. I know it hurts right now, but you need to really like, understand something I said before.”
Lincoln looked up from her chest after he had sniffled again, eyes bright, “What’s that?”
Leni gave him another comforting smile, “I’m your sister first. I will always love you, no matter what you decide…and that’s the real thing Lincy, you might decide you don’t want to be with any of us. As much as you love us, even as much as you love Lucy, you got with her while you were in an emotionally vulnerable state. You’re only 19 Lincy, you don’t have to be in a rush to like, decide who you’re going to be with forever. Maybe it’s even good you decide you don’t want to be with anyone right now and just, just live your life Lincy!”
Lincoln gazed up at her, he was still so uncertain, still confused. He loved so many, and he didn’t want to hurt them, but he knew Leni was right. There were going to be people who were hurt when he finally made his decisions, and he needed to make those decisions.
“I don’t know what to do Leni…” he whispered almost pathetically to her.
Leni continued to smile gently at him, as she stroked his hair, “Well I would suggest starting by figuring out what you and Ronnie Anne mean to each other. I had my turn Lincy, I’m totes happy with that, but she’s the one you need to find out how you feel about now.”
Lincoln gave a slow soft nod as he cast his gaze back down to his sister’s lap, so lost in thought with everything.
“Leni, do you really think everyone will be okay in the long run? That we’ll still be able to all be a family, even if everyone ends up hurt?”
Truthfully, Leni didn’t know. She hoped it would be the case, she really really did, but as much as she loved her sisters, and she knew they loved one another, this was just so out of the ordinary she couldn’t be certain. There would be hurt feelings. She wanted to believe they were all still close enough as a family they could overcome it, but she just didn’t know.
But that wasn’t what Lincoln need to hear right now. He needed reassurance, and Leni was a big sister. She knew you smiled for your younger siblings and told them it would be alright even if you weren’t sure.
She leaned down and kissed the top of his head.
“I’m certain of it Lincy. The Loud family always comes back together.”
Lincoln squeezed her tightly in response. They hugged each other for another ten minutes, then started the process of cleaning up, and getting ready to head out. They shared one last, deep, loving kiss before they exited the room together, and made their way back to the Casagrande apartments.
The memories of this day would be recalled fondly between them forever.
Wednesday Morning, I-75 Freeway, between Ann Oaks and Royal Woods.
Lucy had thrown up.
It wasn’t much, she’d only slammed an energy drink for breakfast before heading out to Ann Oaks in what was far too early for her on a non-school day, but there it was. A watery mess with some stomach bile in front of her, the remnants running down her black painted lips.
All she could hear was her own blood pumping in her ears, and all she could feel was the intense pain in her heart. Lincoln had betrayed her, Lincoln had cheated on her, Lincoln had lied to her. The boy she loved more than any other, the boy she worshipped as a saint made flesh had performed carnal acts with someone who wasn’t her.
That had hurt more than anything, even if on some level she was aware of it. On some hidden, deep, level she thought it was possible, she knew it had to have been the case. The weekend he had with Lynn, the way she had ‘given up on her feelings’, Lincoln’s vague explanation about how they had ‘worked things out’. All of it was just too much, too convenient to think it all happened without something more dramatic happening between them.
She hadn’t wanted to admit that truth to herself.
They had worked things out, Lynn wasn’t competition anymore, and if Lincoln and her had to have sex to figure that out, then so what! As long as she didn’t know the details, as long as it wasn’t thrown in her face and she had her big brother again, wasn’t that all that mattered?
But now it had been thrown in her face, and now the unthinkable had possibly happened. Lynn might be pregnant. Lynn would have Lincoln’s child, not her. Lynn would be the one he would feel the most responsible for, Lynn would be the one he would be a parent with. Lupa would never come into existence now.
It hurt.
It was agony.
It was the very worst pain she’d ever experienced in her life. It was a raw, hot, throbbing lance of fire in her heart. It was a feeling of despair as she watched her dreams crumble to ash in front of her. The image in her head she held so dearly, of Lincoln and her together, holding a white-haired child in their arms…that vision burned up in front of her, her dreams, her life goals, destroyed in a fire of betrayal.
Only to be replaced by a rage unlike anything else she had felt. A growing, gripping anger that caused her to finally make a noise, to do something unlike anything she had ever done before.
Lucy screamed.
She screamed and her hands clawed at the pavement beneath her fingernails. Clawed and raked them across the pavement, causing them to crack, and blood to be drawn from the pads of her fingers.
Lucy screamed a cry of absolute rage, and anguish. She let loose a primal, absolutely miserable sound of fury and pain that echoed around her, even as she sobbed, as tears poured down her cheeks and joined the small pile of bile in front of her.
So consumed, so overwhelmed by this loss of everything she wanted, she didn’t even notice the hands which had slipped over her shoulders. She had completely drowned out the voice that had been calling her name in her state of pain.
Until all at once, she realized who was lifting her up, who was pulling her from the ground.
The very girl who had destroyed everything she loved and wanted.
Lucy saw white and screamed again as her hands flew out at the girl who had taken everything from her. She was no combatant, she had never been in a real fight in her life, it didn’t matter Lynn would thoroughly trounce her in any confrontation they had. None of that mattered, all that mattered was her anger.
“YOU BIIITCH! YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!”
Lucy roared as she struck her older sister again and again. It was an absolutely shocking sight to anyone who knew anything about the typically very quiet and soft-spoken goth.
Lynn had never heard Lucy raise her voice like this before. Lynn had never seen Lucy lose control of herself like this. They all knew Lucy was the most sensitive girl in the family, but this level of fury, this level of pain was unlike anything Lynn had ever seen. It scared her.
Lucy’s hands made contact with Lynn’s cheeks. A slap, followed by another.
Lynn barely registered it.
Because that was the truth. Lucy was not a fighter, she had never been in a real physical conflict, meanwhile Lynn had been in multiple. Lynn was a rough and tough girl, she played contact sports, she put her body in danger. Lucy’s blows physically, were like rain off her back.
The pain was far more emotional. It hurt to know in this moment, however brief it would be, Lucy absolutely hated her. Lynn just hoped with everything, that this hate would only be temporary. So she gave Lucy what she needed. She let her little sister hit her, and didn’t fight back. Because Lynn desperately needed Lucy to get past this, she desperately needed the help of the only sister who would understand everything.
So it was, she let Lucy slap her, she took the blows, one after the other, and when Lucy began to shake and throw her hands in a less coherent manner, when it was clear the sadness was overtaking the anger again, Lynn reached out, grabbed hold of her little sister’s wrist and stopped her fury.
Lucy’s threw her head back and shook with impotent rage as she cried, as she sobbed, becoming weak in the knees, almost unable to stand up. Then Lynn released her wrists and pulled her into a sudden tight comforting hug.
Lucy buried her face in Lynn’s shoulder as her sobs became quieter, Lynn’s own freckled cheeks wet with tears as she held Lucy as tightly as she could, as she buried her own face in her taller sister’s shoulder.
Both sisters held one another and cried, slowly sinking to their knees together.
Lucy’s fury was spent, she still felt horrible, she was still angry on many levels, but that angry fire was quenched in an ocean of sadness and tears, shared with her big sister, as more of Lucy’s rational state began to reassert itself, and she finally realized….
Lynn was in just as much, if not more pain, than she was.
Lynn wasn’t a crier by nature, she was the type that swallowed down her sadness, didn’t want anyone to see her cry. She had to be tough and show she could handle anything. It was all part of her identity, Lynn fucking Loud didn’t cry. Crying was for the soft.
But right now, Lynn was crying.
Lynn was barely holding onto herself, Lucy could tell. The brunette who Lucy had personally seen take a straight shin kick with a pair of soccer cleats, need stiches and shrug it all off as not that big a deal, was now softly sniffling, holding back her own sobs as she buried in face in her sister’s shirt.
Lynn’s voice was so quiet, so full of hurt, so full of apology as she whispered over and over.
“I’m so sorry Lucy, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Lucy I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I can’t do this, I can’t handle this…”
Lucy, even in recovering from her shock, and dealing with the feelings of betrayal, was unable to ignore the fact that not only was Lynn crying, but she was shaking. Shaking with absolute fear. Lynn was more scared than she’d ever been in her life.
And in this moment Lucy realized the most important thing in all of this. Lynn wasn’t some random bitch or slut who seduced her lover. Lynn was her big sister, who had slept with their mutual taboo love, the boy who they both realistically had mutual claim to by the very nature of their birth.
Lynn was the sister she had shared a room with for years, the sister who watched out for her and cared about her. The sister she had confided things in by virtue of being roommates for so long. Lucy loved her big sister, and even in this most confusing and horrible seaming of moments, understood the reality, the severity of how Lynn’s entire life was going to turned upside down if…what she feared turned out to be true. It was an understanding born of mutual womanhood, that only those capable of having children could comprehend. Pregnancy, a baby. It changed absolutely everything in a girl’s life, from top to bottom.
Both sisters held one another tightly for several more moments, and Lynn became aware Lucy was hugging her back. Lucy had changed from clinging to her like a rock in a storm, to holding her in a reassuring and comforting grip.
Lynn managed to get ahold of herself a little more, sniffing softly, placing her chin on Lucy’s shoulder as she stared off at the freeway in that cold and damp early morning.
“Lucy…I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. This is the worst thing that could happen.”
Those words struck Lucy with a sobering clarity.
Lynn wasn’t happy about this. Lynn was terrified of this. She came to Lucy to talk to her first before anyone else. She wasn’t calling Lincoln up and telling him, she wasn’t celebrating, which meant one thing…
Lynn didn’t want Lincoln to know about it, and furthermore, she wasn’t sure if she was going to keep the baby. This was so much more serious, and bigger than all of them.
Lucy gave Lynn another reassuring squeeze, and began to lift them both up off the pavement.
“Let’s go back to the car.”
A few minutes later, Lucy and Lynn were back inside the sedan owned by their mother. Lucy in the driver’s seat, her hands resting in her lap. Lynn in the passenger seat, her elbow propped up against the window, chin in hand, looking out at the grassy hill that led up to the service drive, the east side of the freeway.
Lucy’s voice broke the silence, her calm monotone having returned.
“How did it happen?”
Lynn closed her eyes, guilt and shame flowing through her. Refusing to look at her sister.
“Do you really want the details Luce?”
Lucy responded just as calmly.
“Yes, I do.”
Lynn sighed, turned away from the window, and looked into her lap.
“It was obviously when I came home a few weeks ago. Lincoln and I, we really reconnected. I told you how much I missed him. I guess, he missed me too. It felt like magic, I had my little bro in my life again, and he seemed so happy to have his big sister in his.”
Lynn paused, took a deep breath and waited before she closed her eyes, drew up her inner strength and continued.
“We watched a movie in his room together, just the two of us. I was having so much fun, and then we talked afterwards. He, he told me how much he missed me. How he needed me and I hadn’t been there for him. How hard life had been and how, I hadn’t been there when he needed me most.”
Lucy stayed silent and nodded, a feeling of guilt coiling in her heart. She had been one of the ones to tell Lynn to stay away as much as she could from home. That maybe it would be better for her. Her sisters and her never realized how much that decision had hurt Lincoln too. It had denied him the love of the big sister who protected him most.
Lynn continued, “I held him, and I apologized, I held him tightly and I cried, and he cried too. Staying away for as long as I did, it was the wrong decision. He needed me, and I wasn’t there. I asked him if I could stay the night with him, I had just missed him so much, and I wanted to show him how much I needed him too!”
Lynn was starting to tear up again, looking more distraught as she recounted the details of what had led to that night. She brought her hand up to her eyes as her face pulled into a grimace of emotional pain and she struggled to try and keep going.
Lucy did something Lynn found unimaginable in that moment, which helped so much. Lucy reached over and touched her shoulder in a reassuring gesture, looking at her with that calm, unjudging face.
Lucy didn’t say anything, but the touch was enough to stop Lynn from spiraling further and tell the story. Lynn looked back down and took another deep breath as she went on and swallowed.
“I asked him to hold me, and he promised too. I just wanted to spend time with him…and get back to the way we used to be. We fell asleep like that together, like we were kids again, when we shared a room and we would sneak into each other’s beds.” Lynn swallowed again, she breathed out more firmly as she looked up to the ceiling of the car, this really was the biggest challenge she’d ever faced in her life. Spilling her guts to her little sister, to the girl who loved their brother just as much as she did.
“And then I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was holding me…and…I felt him, I felt him in a way that was different than any other time before. He was just, being like any normal guy, I know that now…He got hard in his sleep. But I was so hurt, and I was so upset about losing my virginity, and I had him, and it felt so amazing. I reached back and started touching him…I couldn’t resist it, I don’t know why…I just couldn’t resist, and he woke up, and we…”
Lynn trailed off again, and swallowed, looking towards Lucy with that apologetic expression. “Somehow…we just, did it. I thought him catching me touching him, I thought, it would go different…but he didn’t say anything, he just held me close and pushed back…and, and it went from there. We just did what our bodies wanted. And when it was done, we fell asleep just like that…and I woke up before him…and I snuck out of bed before he woke up…. because, because…”
Lucy listened quietly. The whole scene being spelled out for her. It still hurt, but she understood it now. She understood how in her own way she had helped engineer these very events to happen. She didn’t like it, it hurt, but she knew the part she had played in it all.
She spoke up, understanding in her voice, “Because if you didn’t, you would have tried to have sex with him again.”
Lynn squeezed her hands together, teared up all over and nodded.
“Yes, yes, I would have, if he would have woken up, I think I would of tried again. I had to get out of there, before, before we made another mistake. This way it could have just been a one-time thing, it could have been a fluke that happened once and never again.”
Lynn buried her face into her hands and began to sob gently again, her shoulders hitching as she cried, “And now, now, I don’t know what to do Lucy! I dreamed of this, I wanted this for so long, but not like this! Not this way! I can’t do this, I can’t do it!”
Lucy’s voice came more firmly as she responded to her sister, calming her, “Lynn, stop. The first thing we need to do is confirm whether you are pregnant or not. Before anything else. We’ll buy some pregnancy tests on the way home, and then we’ll find out together.”
Lynn brought her hands down from her face, sniffled, and nodded, letting her little sister take control of the situation. Lynn was a leader herself by nature, she took control of her team on the court, and in the locker room, but in this instance, she needed someone else to take control and keep her calm. Lucy was rising to the challenge.
“O-o-okay.. but what if, what if I am pregnant?”
Lucy responded in her reassuring monotone.
“Then we’ll discuss what the options are. What it is that needs to be done.”
Lynn nodded again, her face scrunching up in more pain as she understood the implications of what they were both speaking around.
Terminating the pregnancy.
Lucy continued.
“If… you decide that’s what needs to be done, we’ll have to tell Mom. Not about Lincoln, but about the pregnancy, she’ll have to be the one who arranges it.”
Lynn winced as she continued to gently cry, her hands coming up, arms wrapping around herself in a hug. The last thing she wanted in the world, to kill the baby she would have with Lincoln. To destroy the life she always dreamed of making with him.
But if she was pregnant, what else could she do? She already told him they could never be together because of the circumstances, because of how difficult things would be. She just wished she didn’t have to see everything she wanted in front of her, and then have it ripped away.
She had no idea how their mother would take this. No, she had a slight idea. Mama Rita had talked to her children extensively on this, to the girls in the family. To make sure they understood they could come to her about anything involving sex and pregnancy, and that if need be it would remain hidden, from their other sisters, from their father, and from Lincoln.
Lucy watched Lynn and saw her sister getting lost in her own head, trying to figure out what she was going to do. Lucy stepped in to reassure her once more.
“We take this one step at a time. We handle it slowly…and Lynn…”
Lucy trailed off, casting her hidden gaze at her old roommate, Lynn looked back to her with a questioning expression.
“I will never leave you on this, I’ll be with you the whole time, I promise.”
Lynn began to cry heavily again as she looked at her little sister with such sorrow, apologia and need. The girl who hated her just 10 minutes ago and was now promising to be by her side. Lynn lunged between the divider and grabbed the taller but younger girl in a tight hug. Lucy held her and let her older sister cry it out some more.
Lucy didn’t know what to think about all of this right now, it was overwhelming, but she knew her sister needed her more than ever in their lives. They would stop and pick up a few pregnancy tests and go from there. Lucy would tell Lynn to get herself together before going in, she needed to act like everything was normal to the rest of the family before they knew anything else.
Wednesday Early Afternoon, The Loud House.
Lana Loud laid in bed as she held her smart phone tightly in her hands. Her heart was feeling so warm, butterflies flitted in her stomach as she texted back and forth so excitedly with the boy, no, the man that held her heart.
She was so giddy with the interaction, so happy every time she heard from him, and they were able to exchange messages. They had to use the quick chat app to do so, there couldn’t be any record of what they said or did together, that was important. She didn’t want him to get in trouble, much as she wished she could keep the sweet words he wrote to her so she could read them back anytime she felt down or felt like she wasn’t pretty.
Because that was the real issue with Lana Loud. Lana, so often, didn’t feel pretty, and didn’t feel feminine.
Despite being the carbon genetic copy of her beautiful, popular, beauty pageant winning twin sister Lola, the girl who turned heads and lit up every room she entered, Lana felt so very plain, so very unnoticed.
She knew a lot of it had to do with her personality. She didn’t dress girly like Lana did, she barely knew how to wear a skirt or a dress, she didn’t put on make-up, she kept her hair simple, short and often tied up. Her clothes didn’t flatter her figure, hiding it behind flannel shirts, big t-shirts and baggy jeans.
She was often dirty from working on cars, fixing plumbing, or doing other odds and ends. Other times she was covered in animal hair from her volunteering down at the shelter, and all the time she loved to spend with her animals.
Maybe it was even because of her twin sister she felt so diminished. She loved Lola so very much, she loved her twin and loved being around her, spending time with her and being in her presence. But maybe spending so much time with the beautiful and charismatic Lola Loud when she was a dirty little grease monkey that was happier with a wrench in her hand than a baton is what made her look even more invisible next to her twin.
And when she was noticed, it was often embarrassing for all the times she got mistaken for a Lesbian.
Of course Lana had no problems with the LGBT community, especially since her elder sister Luna was a member, but that was the rub…
Lana was NOT a Lesbian. She liked boys, she liked being around boys, she found them cute, handsome, fun to hang out with. She dreamed of being kissed by a handsome boy, swept off her feet, made to feel special as he called her the prettiest girl in his life.
But the boys at school didn’t notice her or treated her like she was just one of the guys, or that she must be into girls because of how she dressed and acted. When she looked at her twin and saw the line of guys falling all over themselves to ask her out or give her secret confessions it made her feel a twinge of…Jealousy.
And Lana didn’t want to feel Jealousy with Lola. She didn’t want to envy her twin when she loved her so much.
And she knew Lola would not approve of the man who loved her. None of her family would. They wouldn’t understand, they would try to break them up, and worse, they would try to send him to Prison. The one man who saw her and made her feel beautiful and pretty.
So what if he sometimes asked her for risqué pictures, and drove the conversation towards more sexual things that made her nervous. He was a man, not a boy! He had man needs, and well, Lana was pretty sure in enough time, she’d be ready to sate those needs for him!
She looked over the messages between them.
Lana used the image of a popular blonde haired magical mechanic girl she identified so much with as her pfp. She had watched the series about a pair of alchemy using brothers with her own brother and fell in love with the character. The man she liked used the image of the chosen British wizard child, more grown up, from an immensely popular book and movie franchise.
GreaseGirl: I miss you so much. It sucks I won’t be able to see you until Monday.
ChosenWizard: I know, it’s already so difficult to see you in the halls, or in the class room and not run my fingers down your spine, or pull you in for a kiss. Being apart from you like this is almost unbearable.
Lana’s cheeks flushed, her tummy doing flip flops as she swallowed and continued texting.
GreaseGirl: I wish I could be with you right now. I would kiss you all you wanted. Nobody ever kissed me until you.
ChosenWizard: You know what I said about that already. We could always get a hotel together, you know I would pay for it. Then I could really show you just how pretty I think you are, and just how much I want to kiss you and do more with you. Since you don’t want to do it on your lunch hour at school.
Lana’s cheeks turned red, she looked at the wall of her room, at the posters of her favorite racecar drivers, of the animal wildlife she loved so much. The man had been pushing for them to get more intimate.
He had needs, she understood it. He told her. Little boys didn’t know what they were doing, but men like him did, and they just wanted to have the girl they loved, just wanted to become one with them as soon as possible.
But she didn’t want her first time to be in the back of some classroom or custodian closet at school. There was too much risk, and that just…it didn’t seem special to her. He’d started to talk about getting a hotel, and she was slowly beginning to realize she would have to give him what he wanted. It was the right thing to do as his girlfriend, wasn’t it?
She decided for now, she would do the next best thing for him she could. The thing he was always happy about. She reached down to the shorts she wore to sleep in, slipped her thumb into their waist band along with her panties, and pulled them down to her knees.
She took a few pictures with her phone of her bare kitty, then of her face, smiling, eyes half-lidded before sending them off to him.
GreaseGirl: Maybe this will keep you calm until we can see each other again.
ChosenWizard: Mmm, you know I love that baby. You’re so pretty, prettier than your sister. I can’t wait until I have you.
Lana bit her lower lip, feeling so happy right now. Her heart ready to burst. She turned over on her side, holding her phone and tried to contain her giddiness.
GreaseGirl: I love you.
She typed those words and meant them. The young teen girl was absolutely infatuated with the man who made her feel so special and pretty. Even if he made her feel nervous at times, even if she wasn’t sure she was ready, she just knew she was being a little girl, a big baby…and Lana was not a baby. She was the queen of risks, and it was getting closer to giving the man she considered her boyfriend what he wanted.
ChosenWizard: You know I love you too. That’s why I want to make you feel so good. I want to show you what real love is.
Lana swallowed as her heart fluttered again. She got so giddy every time he told her he loved her. No boy had ever talked to her like that, and here she was with a man, a real man who loved her! Something none of her other sisters were able to do at her age!
She had to keep their relationship secret, and she knew it would be hard. They’d have to do it for years, but wasn’t love worth it? Wouldn’t it be all the more rewarding when she was finally 18 and they could be out in the open together?
GreaseGirl: I know you do. I want too as well, I’m just scared. I don’t want my parents or sisters to find out, I don’t want you to get in trouble!
ChosenWizard: If you love me, you’ll understand why I’m willing to risk it. I’ll drop it for now, maybe it’s just because I miss you so much and I want to see you so bad.
Lana sighed as she read those words. She knew she was being unfair, it was like he said, he just missed her, she knew how difficult this had to be for him, how he was the one putting in all the risk. Didn’t that mean she needed to show him how appreciative she was?
She made a decision, swallowing as she set her mind to it.
GreaseGirl: I promise to give you something very nice when I see you on Monday, I’ll wait for your prep hour.
ChosenWizard: Mmm, I can’t wait baby. In the meantime, here’s something for you…
Attached to the message was an image of a penis. The one that belonged to the man she was in love with. Lana swallowed nervously, shyly, and rubbed the back of her neck. She knew she was supposed to be thankful for this sort of thing. She knew she wanted to have a penis to play with one day, and it even turned her on just a little bit. But it also brought home that anxiousness about it all. About everything involving her boyfriend.
GreaseGirl: Looks nice. I really like it.
It was all she could think to say.
ChosenWizard: It’s all yours baby. Can’t wait to give it to you.
Lana forced a smile even if nobody else was in her bedroom with her, as she typed back, unsure if she really meant was she was sending.
GreaseGirl: Can’t wait to have it!
She just needed to get over these jitters, and show she was more mature than the other girls her age. That she was worthy of this man’s love. She just wished she had someone to talk about it too, but there was no one else she could trust.
No one else in the family would understand what she was going through, or what her love was. They would just judge her for it, and try to take it away…
And Lana, would do everything in her power to make sure that didn’t happen.
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The Shadow of his Heart