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I Summon the All-Seeing Eye	By : all_possible_worlds Category: +S through Z > Star vs. The Forces of Evil Views: 29523 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Vs. the Forces of Evil or its characters. I made no money from writing this story.

Chapter List
- 26
- 27
- 28
Chapter 27: Necessary Conversations
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It is told that, soon after the battle, Her Augustness, She Who Invites, Izanami no mikoto, Izanami no kami, who had been a guest at the masquerade, went back in search of the Endless Shadow, with intent of speaking her mind to him. It is told that she found him at the shores of light and life, at the border of the threshold of his own emptiness, and even beyond that. It is told that no mortal can imagine that place, and so we shall not endeavour to try.
It is told that she greeted him so, "Honorable Lord, we find ourselves rightly puzzled, that for all you lecture mortals about hospitality, you would act so rudely upon your other guests. Clearly those who did not offend you did not deserve their immolation. We too were disrespected, for you hurried us away." Her words were a slap with silken gloves, in intent and in fact.
It is told that the Final Cold responded in mockery of proper form, that he said thus: "Lady Izanami, far be from me the pridefulness of believing you would trouble yourself on account of rebuking my manners. Of what do you truly wish to speak?"
It is told that Her Augustness answered readily, "We fear that, seeing the burning shrine deep within the woods, you choose to send it kindling, instead of rain. Although the embers might not now worry you, in time a great forest fire might consume the whole mountain, and even you might find you can burn just as well..."
"Nonsense," His Finality retorted. "And if it were so, then that would greatly amuse me. For I am invincible despite my own self, for a long time to come, and that is only to my annoyance. You forget that I will be the one to douse the fires of the last remaining suns, and then leave, at curtain call. If the play can be less dull until then, the script less obvious, then all the better for me." This is what is told he said, although he himself might find fault with the wording.
It is told too that Izanami nodded in understanding. "You resent your place in the cosmos. That is the source of your unhappiness."
It is told that Her Augustness, who for all that her legend was a cruel one, found herself at ease within the tapestry of creation, then felt pity for the mighty lord.
"I am not the Morning Star, Izanami no mikoto. I know there is no use raging against an unchangeable design," the Sword Aflame Inevitable pointed out. "I, more so than any other, appreciate that fact."
"Yet that very truth corrodes you," spoke the goddess. Delivering retribution for past insults received.
Or so it is told.
----
Star felt exhausted. She was not hurt, none of them were. She had somehow healed her friends, she couldn't quite remember the specifics as to how. The damage she herself sustained after her resurrection, if any, seemed to have evaporated as well, the moment she transformed back out of her butterfly form. In fact, even a few old scars were now seemingly gone. She looked at her arms, at the tendrils of burnt blackness under the skin that weren't there any longer. There was no way she could maintain even the flimsiest of glamours in her current state, yet her skin was entirely unblemished. She was as healthy as she had ever been, at least physically, but absolutely drained in a way that was hard to describe. She couldn't have conjured a goldfish if she wanted. She supposed that explained Sam's confidence that she would not attempt to fight him again.
They had won! Well, no, they had lost, actually, by any reasonable definition. But, at the same time, they had survived, they were free to go! Sam was still an asshole, and there was nothing Star could do about the infernal bastard. Yet, at the same time, they were all alive, all free, all healthy, and alright! She felt like she was going to start crying of relief. Then, as she looked at their faces, she remembered.
The party, the broken deal, the battle, all of that had taken the princess' mind off from the fact that she had royally, pun unintended, but also sort of deserved, screwed things up with everyone in the room. She had slept with Tom! Marco and Jackie knew this and she had just brushed them off when they tried to talk about it! Not to mention, it was her fault they were all here in the first place. All the stuff that had just happened, all the pain, all the horror, broken bones, hearts ripped out, inexorable hopelessness in the face of imminent death... She was the reason her friends had to endure that! Sure, she had rescued them in the end, and that itself had been a literal miracle. But, without her blindness, without her stupidity, without her dragging them all here in search of revenge over her mom, they wouldn't have needed rescuing in the first place!
No, no point in feeling guilty! Guilt was useless, after all. But Star couldn't prevent herself from feeling guilty, not anymore. Her emotions were no longer something she could lock in a cage and let out only when the chirping became too loud to ignore. It wasn't even that she rejected Sam's lesson. Evil though he might be, he was right in every particular: feeling sorry for what she had done to her friends didn't make any of it right, and didn't make her one bit more deserving of forgiveness. And yet, she simply couldn't help but feel a pit form inside her stomach at the mere thought of what they all had gone through, for the sake of her single-minded obsession. And that was without even counting the way she had been treating them these past few weeks! Hell, even before that! She knew Jackie had never fully forgiven her for spying on her and Marco, and Star hadn't really made it any easier for her to do so.
How could she even look at them? At Marco, at Jackie, at Tom... at Janna? Wait! Where was Janna? All the rest of them were there, but the human witch seemed to have vanished not long after their host himself did. The remaining three, however, were looking intently at the mewman.
Slowly, the human boy begun walking towards her. Star swallowed, hard. "Marco... I... you... we... You have no idea how sorry I am! I know it changes nothing but..." He interrupted her, with a tight silent hug.
The boy held onto her like he feared that, if he let go, Star would no longer be there. She felt wet drops slide down her golden hair, just below where Marco had buried his face, and realized the boy was crying. Star's heart raced inside her chest. Her first reflex was to hug Marco back, to hold onto him for dear life, and she did. She could hardly do otherwise. After all, he literally was one of the reasons why she came back to life, maybe the main reason. Although, she realized, she would have done it for any of the others as well, even Janna.
Her second reflex, however, was to look up to Jackie and Tom, apologetically. She was very self-conscious of how the two of them might react to such a display. To her surprise, the human girl was smiling, and, well, so was the demon prince. Wait, what the here!? It made no sense! They were all forgiving her? Just like that? "A... aren't you mad at me?" For what she had done. For what she had put them through.
"Furious," muttered a voice in her ear, Marco's. "But only about you scaring me like that! Nothing else matters, nothing at all as long as you are here, Star... I... I thought you were dead!"
"Well..." she commented, "...I think I kinda was."
Marco held her even more firmly now. She reciprocated, running her hand through his dark brown hair, still keenly aware of the two other teens in the room.
"Star, look," said Jackie, "we have a lot to talk about. But, right now, I think we are all just glad to be alive, and glad that you are alive. That stuff, just now... it sort of puts the rest into perspective... you know?"
"But, it is all my fault!" Star cried. "I brought you all here! I..."
"I knew who Sam was!" shouted Tom, suddenly. All eyes fell on him. "I called him! I let us play his games! Janna, and Marco, and Jackie, and you, all of you messed up too, alright? I am not saying you didn't. But I am the one who should have known better, and I went along with this regardless. Because, well, Sam had never harmed me in this way before, and I was too wrapped up thinking of him from my perspective. I am a fucking imbecile and, if you want to blame somebody, then blame me, Star! You saved your friends. I put them, and you, in danger... and I only did so to try to impress you..."
"Tom..." Star begun.
A soft laugh in her ear cut her off.
"Pfff, come on! That's a load of crap, Tom," muttered Marco. He let go of Star, briefly, and turned around to face the Lucitor prince. The demon looked very nervous, but kept both arms down. Star knew him well enough to realize he expected, and perhaps thought he deserved, a beating. "Tom, you told me the truth. You told me why you were doing this. Not to impress Star, but to help her. Remember? In the maps room? 'We both do this for Star'? If you just wanted to impress her, or to win her back, then why even ask for my help? No, I call bullshit on that. You are a jerk, Tom, but not that kind of jerk."
Tom blinked. Star blinked. Was Marco defending her ex? I mean, it made sense, Marco was a sweetheart, and Tom wasn't really at fault for what happened last night. It had all been Star's doing. Still, she was surprised that the human boy wasn't angrier at the demon, just as she was surprised he wasn't angrier at her.
"If anything," Marco continued, "I am the one who dragged someone into hell for no valid reason."
He turned around, towards his human girlfriend.
"Don't you start with that one again!" scoffed Jackie. She looked annoyed and, for a second, almost hurt.
"But it is true," he insisted. "If I had just packed and left, if I hadn't told you about the trip, you wouldn't have been dragged into this madness!"
Jackie frowned. She seemed unhappy about something that Star wasn't quite able to place, and she was glancing at the mewman as much as she looked at Marco now. It wasn't an angry stare, not exactly, it was a fearful and slightly hurt look, mixed with frustration. "Look, Marco, maybe now is not the time to..."
"You could have been safe and happy back on Echo Creek, dating any of a dozen guys that would have been a better boyfriend than me, if I had simply left without saying anything. But I didn't do that, I went and told you that you should stay back on Earth, precisely because I knew you would not accept that," he admitted. "I said what I said to feel better about the fact that I was putting you in danger, in a way I could never have directly asked you to agree to. And you were almost... Oh god, the stuff you had to go through, Jackie! All because I was too selfish to leave you behind!"
"That wasn't your call to make, Marco..." she begun testily, almost offended. She looked down at the glass sword she was holding, pointed down. Star knew the last thing Jackie wanted right now was to be reminded of how helpless she had been, or to have her achievements in the previous battle minimized, even if she hadn't really won. The mewman could easily empathize with that.
"But I just couldn't do it!" he confessed. "I would have gone mad without you here, Jackie! I almost did. I had a horrible nightmare, a real one, a memory, last night, and I would have lost it if you hadn't been there when I woke up! I would have lost it over a fucking dream, let alone all of the other stuff: this place, Hekapoo's ghost, flying monsters, Sam... I made it through that whole horror show of a party, through that sickening feeling that my mind was slipping away, replaced by something angry and mean, again, by only focusing on keeping you safe. I failed to do that. I failed you. But still, you kept me sane."
Star felt the urge to reciprocate Marco's hug now, to be there for him. But it didn't feel like her place and, besides, he wasn't done speaking.
"Jackie, I feel like a jerk for everything I have put you through, but I can't say I wish you had stayed back in Echo Creek, because... because... because I need you," he finished.
Jackie, professional cool person Jackie Lynn Thomas, implacable 'why not?' devil fighter Jackie Lynn Thomas, blushed a deep shade of pink. "Marco, I..."
They hugged, and they kissed, and Star smiled and sighed a very audible, "Awwww!"
"But, well," Jackie observed after they separated. "If I hadn't come, Sam wouldn't have had his excuse. So, well, trap or not..."
Star shook her head, and interrupted the girl before she tried blaming herself for something so absolutely out of her control. There was too much of that going around, she realized. That thought helped put her own feelings on the matter in perspective.
"Listen, Jackie, Sam told me why he was doing this, sort of. I..." Her mind flashed back to burning worlds made of blue light, 'cauterizing' cosmic wounds, Sam's destructive power raining fire over Mewni, and Earth, and Tom's parents. Her thoughts hadn't quite been her own while in butterfly mode, but now the enormity of it all came crashing down on her: the literal weight of the world; worlds, actually. "... It is a long story, and a really really important really really bad one. But it can wait. The point is, he was not just playing around, he wanted me to die, and to come back, and to go through this place. If it hadn't been you, he would have found a different way to get what he wanted. Same goes for Tom, and, I suppose," she finally admitted, "for me."
They stood there, in silence. Quietly pondering the fact that, in this particular case, it truly was no one's fault but the devil. Not that they didn't each have plenty of sins of their own to atone for, but the battle just now had been one of Sam's design, and he did seem to always get what he wanted.
Then, suddenly, Star realized something.
"Wait, I am still naked!" she yelled, moving both hands to cover herself. She wished she still had six of those. "Why did nobody tell me I was naked!?"
"Well, Star, it didn't seem very important," smiled Jackie. "After all, everyone in this room has seen you naked already."
Star's cheekmarks shone bright scarlet. The other girl just laughed. The princess was acutely aware that she deserved that dig and more. After a while, she chuckled too, apologetically. Things couldn't be so bad between them if they could still joke at each other like that, she supposed.
----
The warm water around her slowly unknotted the iron-grip tension stored in the princess' muscles. As she lied down inside the large tub in the bathroom of her room in Sam's palace, the room that looked like her mom's, she realized she wasn't actually tired in any physical sense. She was stressed, emotionally overwhelmed, and also, she had seemly stretched her own magical ability far beyond its limits. She couldn't so much as feel the magic around her, or the vast powers she knew were now pooled inside her new wand. She wasn't worried. She knew the power would return to her in time. Or rather, she was worried precisely because she knew that would be the case.
It was two in the morning, but she wasn't really sleepy. None of them were, apparently, according to what Marco had said before she excused herself to bathe and put on some clothes. They had agreed to meet after, to talk. The mewman had asked if they shouldn't be trying to get some rest that night. The boy had remarked that he actually felt too energized, and far too spooked, to even try to sleep. Jackie and Tom had quickly agreed, and she herself was surprised to find herself in similar condition. Star had never before been able to cast any healing spells worth using. Yet, whatever she had done earlier that night seemed to have not only cured everyone's wounds, but also been the equivalent of weeks of rest in terms of replenishing their strength.
She looked down at her feet through the surface of the water. She could almost picture a pair of black boots and a black and golden skirt over her knees. It made her uneasy. She could vaguely remember everything she had done and thought in her butterfly form. She could remember healing her friends, protecting them, coming back from the dead to save them. She could also remember her burning rage towards Sam, and the powers she had wielded against him.
The princess remembered the black tower she destroyed during their fight. Back on Earth, she had heard of titanic human constructions that her friends called skyscrapers, rising up above the very clouds. She had certainly never seen one in Echo Creek, and for all she knew, they existed only in legends, or they had been greatly exaggerated for her benefit. There were no clouds in Sam's domain, but if there had been any, Star was sure they wouldn't have reached one third of the way up that claw-like edifice. Pony Head's entire kingdom did float above the clouds, but that merely meant its base started there, there was no building in Mewni that scrapped the firmament, not Butterfly Castle, nor any of the ancient monster temples. She wasn't sure she knew a mountain half as tall, let alone any construction. Yet, she had used the huge fortification as a bludgeon! That had just been her opening move, too. She had also summoned an army of shadow creatures that made all of her previous creations seem tame by comparison. And, she had enjoyed the rush of commanding that dark swarm far more than she was willing to admit to herself.
Star had been dealing with anger and frustration for a while now, processing the boiling burning fury left in her heart after her mom's death. She had been mad often enough. She had felt the pleasure of causing pain, and the feeling of strength that came from commanding powerful dark magics. But what she had felt during her transformation was entirely different. She had felt perfectly calm in the same breath as she held absolute hatred for her foe. She had felt powerful and in control, and yet, now she realized she hadn't even been in the driver's seat of her own body, so to speak. She could remember everything she had done, but she hadn't been the one doing it.
She had reached for the power below the void, of her own free will, but everything from there until she transformed back was like being in a trance. The other Star had acted along her own priorities: it had protected her friends, it had done all it could to rain vengeance upon Sam. But, at the same time, it didn't think like her. The princess wasn't even sure it thought on a normal mewman level at all.
The words of the last spell she had cast didn't help her feel any more at ease. 'I seize my fate without remorse, I wish revenge and stay my course, for just one spark of divine might, that sets the skies themselves alight'. Who in their right mind would cast a spell that went like that? She liked the skies as they were, thank you very much! But, of course, that was a lie. She had come back to life with the thought that she was willing to burn dimensions to the ground if only she could save Marco and her friends in exchange. She had a sick feeling she might be held to her word.
Star hugged her legs against her body. Oh god, she came back from the dead. She had been dead. She probably should have stayed dead! And now... it was too much too handle, way too much.
A knock on the bathroom's door interrupted her before she couldn't even begin to cry.
"Ah, Star, can I come in?" a voice followed the knock.
"Tom?!" she replied shocked. "No! You can't, I am in the shower!"
"I, yeah, I know that, Star," the demon prince stammered behind the door. "But, like Jackie said, nothing I haven't seen," she blushed, "and this is sort of important. Before you talk to them... there is something I need to say."
Star frowned, stood up momentarily, and pulled the curtain all the way closed around the tub. With a careless splashing 'plopth!' she sat back inside the warm water. "Ok, Tom, sure, whatever, come on in."
She really hoped he got that last night had been a mistake, and should definitely be a one time thing. The mewman had probably been somewhat cruel to use her ex that way in the first place, but she thought she had made it amply clear that it didn't mean they were back to being any sort of 'a thing', and that he had agreed to that. There had been a very specific set of non-repeating circumstances that had led to her doing something like that. Circumstances like not being sure whether or not she was turning into an evil cold inhuman creature that only cared for causing pain and... ok, fine, maybe not that uncommon circumstances for her. But even if she felt the same now, that didn't mean repeating last night actions was a good idea. If Tom was trying to come on to her again, then all she need to do was to politely...
"Star, I just want to make sure we are on the same page about last night," the demon prince spoke as he closed the door behind himself. "It was dumb, and it should never ever happen again, alright?"
"Wait, what?!" the mewman asked, surprised, abruptly sitting up straight inside the tub. "Why not?!"
"Eh, wait, Star, I thought you also felt it was a mistake..." Tom replied in a confused tone.
"Yeah, well, sure," Star admitted, slowly relaxing back to her default resting position, head barely above the surface of the water. "But I still want to know why you wouldn't want to do it again..." Ok, alright, she knew she was being childish.
There was a slight pause.
"There are a lot of reasons, Star. One is that you love Marco, not me. I don't think I want to play at being his replacement. It is been pointed out to me that that is not a good position to be in, and I think it would just make it harder for you two to patch things up if I am in the picture. Besides, the guy just stood up for me down there, I'd feel like even more of an asshole than usual if I kept getting in the way of the two of you," he explained. "That's why it was urgent that I explain this now, before you talk to him, ok?"
Right, because him visiting her in the shower was definitely the right way to show there wasn't anything going on between the two of them anymore. The princess sighed. She knew him well enough to know his heart was in the right place, and that he was being honest. The demon prince was just sort of socially clueless sometimes.
"Tom, I am not sure I can patch things with Marco after all I have done..." mussed Star.
"Sure you can!" he reassured her. "He wants to patch things with you, you want to patch things with him, and Jackie apparently wants you all to patch things as well." That was news to Star, maybe something the human girl had said after the princess left? "You just need to be willing to admit where you messed up, and be willing to listen to how they feel about it and make amends. But, well, I feel like an ostrich giving flying lessons. You know this stuff better than I do. All I can advice is not going off at them about how their feelings are unfair to you..." he added bitterly.
There was a brief pause while Star put two and two together. "Did you and Janna...?"
"Yeah," Tom admitted, with a sigh. "We broke up. I mean, she dumped me, and, well, I don't blame her."
"God, Tom, I am so sorry!" the princess jumped out of the tub. Then, realizing she was naked and wet, and how terrible of a mixed signal it would be to try to comfort her ex with a hug, she just stood behind the curtain, lamely. "I really am, I never should have..."
"It's not your fault, Star. It's mine," he reassured her. "All I had to do is to say no, or even be less of a prick about fucking up after. I just, well, I just never appreciated what I had until it was gone... Big shocker, right? Who would have guessed that with me?" he added, sarcastically. "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I would take still having Janna over what happened last night, any time."
'Well, that was oversharing somewhat,' thought the princess, frowning. But is not like it didn't make sense, she had her own regrets about that night, after all.
"So, you are going to try to win her back, right?" Star asked. It was the kind of thing Tom did, after all. Admittedly, with mixed results. But he was certainly getting better at a lot of what went into it. "Do you even know where she is now?"
Star assumed Janna was safe after their battle with Sam, and just didn't want to talk to any of them, but she wasn't entirely sure of where she was hiding. Maybe her and Tom's shared room?
"I... I had Marco do his magic thing to find her," Tom answered, guiltily. "She won't talk to me, but she is fine."
Marco's magic thing? Star had really missed on a lot of stuff regarding her bestie, her presumptive boyfriend. She felt terrible, realizing that Tom was more up to date with Marco's life than she was. But that wasn't the topic now. "She will. Give her time."
"No, she won't," Tom corrected her. "You have no idea of how long Janna can hold a grudge."
She had some, actually.
"Besides, even if she did," the demon prince continued. "I don't really want to get back with her either. I think, well, I think I really need some time to be alone and work on myself."
Wow, that was really mature of the demon prince. Well, by his standards, in any case. Star often had to remind herself that he was old enough to have lived through the reign of Queen Solena. Maybe Star also needed time alone? No, she had tried that lately, and look where it got her. What she needed was to be upfront with her friends.
"Tom..." she trailed on. A few heavy quiet seconds passed. "... I am still sorry, about everything."
"Yeah, so am I," he replied.
Another long pause.
Finally, she broke the silence, "Mhmm, so, Tom, can you pass me the towel?"
A purple hand passed through the curtain, holding a long fuzzy blue towel. The demon prince made no attempt to peek inside. Star carefully adjusted the towel around herself, and came out of the shower. She proceeded to find a second smaller towel, wrapping it around her blond hair.
"So, Star, just out of curiosity, last night..." Tom begun, his mouth forming a half smile to the side, showing a single playful fang. "... did I do better than Marco?"
Star groaned at the question. So much for him being mature.
----
"Well, come on, dude, what are you waiting for," Jackie prodded Marco on.
In truth, she was as nervous about this as the boy was, if not more. She was afraid she was doing this for all the wrong reasons. She glanced at the glass blade she was holding. It had nothing to do with this, but, for some reason, it felt reassuring. Not as a weapon, but as the proof that she was stronger than others thought, than she herself once thought. It was a reminder that she wasn't doing this out of surrender or self-loathing, but out of strength and love.
Marco knocked at the door. It was unlocked. It wasn't even truly closed, just propped barely ajar. It swung open as he hit it, revealing a still naked Star, clad only in a long blue bath towel, sitting in bed, combing her hair. Besides her was Tom, in his black 'scoundrel' outfit. Their smiles faded the moment they spotted her and Marco. Tom, in particular, looked downright terrified.
"Shit! Marco, man, I... Would you believe me this is not what it looks like?!" the demon prince pleaded.
Jackie eyed her boyfriend nervously. He had removed the armor from Sam's costume, keeping only the brown trousers and boots, and left his own sword back in their room. He seemed a bit surprised to see Tom there, but forced an uneasy smile.
"Actually, Tom," the human boy said. "I am glad you are here. It is probably good for all four of us to talk, I mean, if you and Star are going to be together too..."
Tom blinked. Star stifled a chuckle. Then Tom began laughing too. Marco frowned. Jackie knew it had taken him a lot of courage to actually propose that. A while ago, he had been the one who said it wouldn't be fair for Star not to be able to open up the relationship on her end too, given he got both Star and herself. But still, she knew Marco was not entirely at ease with the idea. Not yet, in any case. There was a big difference between a theoretical 'someone else', and the reality of Tom and Star being a thing and its implications for all of them.
"I mean," Marco corrected himself, "assuming Star and I are also still... dunno, I don't want to presume anything. I guess I am just saying it'd be good to talk..."
"Actually, Marco, you three have stuff to talk about; without me." The demon prince walked up to a stammering Marco and gave him a strong pat on the back. "Look, I am sorry about yesterday, and I appreciate what you are offering. It is more than I would do for you, actually. But I shouldn't be dating anyone right now, let alone get involved with the three of you! ...no offence. I already talked with Star, and we are just friends, nothing more. For real this time."
He walked past the two humans, and through the door. He pulled the handle from outside the room, without looking back. Right before it was fully closed, he stopped and added, "Marco... don't mess it up." He slammed the door behind him.
The three remaining teens stared at each other. Finally, Star broke the ice, "so... ah, you got rid of the shackles?" she asked Jackie.
She had, even if the rest of her clothes were still that crappy slave costume. They didn't seem to affect her mind much now, they were just sort of itchy.
"Yeah, dude, turns out this thing can cut through iron," she waved the crystal rapier, carefully. It actually had a very sharp edge, and the point could pierce stone. She had just tried it out. "The only downside is that it doesn't come with a scabbard."
Well, and that it was literally a gift from the devil. Jackie was like two thirds certain that would come up to bite her later. She still couldn't let go of her prize.
"I... I think I can help with that, Jackie," spoke Star. She grabbed her new wand, which Jackie just now had the chance to fully admire. It looked so much more badass than her old wand, and that had been badass enough. With a flick of the mewman's wrist and some word soup incantation, a polished gold and nacre scabbard appeared around Jackie's sword. In the center, a golden seashell with a crown acted as the main piece for the metallic pattern. "You know, for Prince Jack," Star explained.
Jackie flinched involuntarily.
"Did... did I do something wrong?" questioned Star. She seemed a bit paler after casting the spell, and carefully put down the wand on the bedside table, drying the sweat of her palm against the towel.
The human girl shook her head. "Not at all. Thanks, Star. It is just, look, this is all way too awkward still," she sighed. "I think... maybe what we need to do is to take turns saying how we each feel, what we want, and what we are bothered about. I can start, if that makes it easier," she offered, uncertain.
"Actually, Jackie, can I start?" asked Star. Jackie nodded, she had no objection to that. She just had felt it was her responsibility, since she brought up the idea. "I am scared. Really really scared. I am scared of myself. I have been feeling a lot of very bad things since my mom was killed, and it actually doesn't excuse any of my behavior, but sometimes, it is more than I can handle. I feel I am really going dark, like the prophecy says I will. Hell, after today, I am worried I am not even going to be me once I go dark..."
She told them about her transformation, about not being exactly herself while she was in butterfly mode. Jackie had to admit it was far worse stuff than she had expected. Star also told them about being dead, and Sam's goals, and his purpose. She told them about his threat that he would burn Earth and Mewni and Tom's domain to ashes if Star didn't take out the thing that killed her mom. She told them a lot about how she felt the last few days, about her dream, about Sam's speech to her inside that dream.
Jackie wondered for a moment if her own dream had truly been just her own subconscious talking to her or, perhaps, yet another of Sam's mind games. She wasn't sure. The questions 'Prince Jack' had raised were not entirely foreign to her own fears, if she was being honest, so either case was plausible.
"Guilt is not useless," pointed out Marco, calmly, as Star finished her tale. His face was twisted into a concerned frown. "How you feel about the stuff you do matters. Because, if you don't care about the bad things you have done in the past, then you have no reason to do better in the future, no real drive behind the commitment to avoid the same errors. That is not the same as never forgiving your own mistakes, or spending your life reliving them. But, still, sometimes the guilt is what makes you remember your failures, so that the lessons truly stick, so that you can do better the next time around."
He sounded harsher, and older, and more personally familiar with the matter than he should have been.
"What about the mistake of sleeping with Tom?" pointed out an embarrassed Star, looking down at her knees from her sitting position.
"That's not really a big deal," said Marco, tentatively. Then, he corrected himself, "well, not on a grand moral scale. It is definitely not like you should necessarily make it a priority to remember it as a big lesson, or anything like that. That's not the kind of thing I was talking about, ok?"
He sighed, and continued, "But, at the same time, I guess that for this to work, I probably do need to be honest and say what it meant to me, personally. Well, it hurt, and it was shocking, and I almost feel dumb that it matters to me, after everything else we have been through. But the reason it does matter to me, I think, is that I don't understand the why. Both why you did it, and why you did not talk to us about it before, or after."
"Because I was in pain, and full of horrible thoughts, and I didn't want you to have to deal with them," admitted Star. "Tom could handle that. He is a demon. Look, Marco, I love you, I want to be around you with every fiber of my being. But, in that one instance, Tom could help me deal with stuff you couldn't, that you shouldn't have to deal with. It doesn't excuse what I did and, in the future, I will deal with that myself. But I can't bear having you exposed to all the stuff that's wrong with me right now... so, I got lonely, and maybe a bit... well, so Tom, ok? Like I said, it was a mistake. I am sorry. I never wanted you two to see that, that was precisely the point. I thought that stuff was over too, the seeing stuff. I haven't seen you two in... oh, ooh!" she stopped abruptly, figuring out that there had simply not been anything to see.
Marco blinked. "Is that all?"
Star nodded.
"Then, can it be my turn to talk?" The two girls nodded together then. "I have been in prison and I have killed a man. Well, probably many many more than one, but only one I can remember so far. And, for the record, Star, I also have some experience with the feeling that a darker angrier version of myself is taking my body for a joyride..."
Star and Jackie listened with open jaws to Marco's story. About the way the memories came back after Hekapoo's memory seal begun fading. About the rituals. About using the Finding Ritual to induce yesterday's nightmare, and what the nightmare actually contained. About the Fierceness Ritual, and the little girl, and the ugly man, and the even uglier things Marco had done to him.
"... and, of course, who knows what else is still hidden away in those sixteen years," he concluded. "So, Star, if you want to sleep with Tom because you are having a good time of it, or like him, or find him attractive, I say do it... just maybe give us heads up, at least if we are still going to be together? But if you are doing it because you think I can't handle the stuff you have been going through, then let me know, and we can compare notes about how messed up we both are. There might not be skies ablaze in my future, but there are apparently plenty of skeletons in my past, and I don't think I have even begun digging them all out."
Jackie walked to Marco and put a hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure the boy. Star then walked up from the bed, and headed towards them. Jackie drew back as the mewman princess proceeded to hug the human boy. She drew him into a close trembling embrace.
"Oh, Marco, I am so so sorry," Star said. "I had no idea. And... and once again, all of that is also my..."
"It is not your fault," he interrupted her before she could continue down that path. "I chose to challenge Hekapoo, I chose to go after her, and there was no reasonable way you could have foreseen any of that. When I said guilt is not useless, I didn't meant that you should blame yourself for things you had no control over, either, Star. And, also, it is not necessarily a bad thing that I went through that. If those sixteen years hadn't happened, we would not have had a way to find our lead towards Hekapoo. I still don't know what else is buried there, but I got a feeling we might need more of those rituals in the future, even with you around. I think it was all worth it, if it means I can be there for you now."
They hugged even tighter. Jackie remained quiet, it still didn't feel like her turn.
"Marco, that's the thing, I am still not sure you can," Star argued. "Earlier, before the party, I was thinking about all the danger I keep putting you all in, and that was even before Sam went all 'judgment day' on us... I can't ask you, any of you, to keep risking your lives like this."
"Star, you are not asking, we are just coming with you either way," the boy answered, winking at Jackie. "Besides, given what you said about Sam's threat, our lives are all in danger, whether we follow you or not. Hell, the lives of our families, of everyone in Echo Creek, of all of Earth and Mewni, are in danger. If there is even the slightest chance that me, or any of us, being with you is the difference between success and failure, then what you cannot ask is for us to sit back and do nothing. Also, I really can't imagine letting my best friend, or the girl I love, go through all of this alone."
Jackie coughed.
"One of the girls I love," Marco corrected himself. They all chuckled, Jackie a bit more nervously than the other two, but they didn't seem to notice.
"Ok, talking really did feel better," Star said, somewhat surprised. "Now your turn, Jackie. Spill them! What kind of stuff is troubling you? And, on scale from Ingrid hearing she can't borrow a battle axe to Miss Skullnick after math finals, how angry are you at me right now?"
Jackie blinked. No least because that first thing about Ingrid sounded like it was based on a real situation, one for which she was decidedly missing some context. Well, now was not really the time to ask. The girl took a deep breath, and thought of all the things that bothered her. The main thing, the thing that she for sure had to bring up, was her fear that Marco liked Star more than herself. She didn't mind that Marco loved Star, she knew that. But maybe she felt a bit uneasy, thinking that he thought she was cooler, or got him better, or, well, that she was his real main squeeze, and Jackie was the nice to have. If that was the case, that was hardly the end, but it might mean some adjustments to how she saw her own relationship with Marco, for her own sake. In any case, it was obviously something that she should be getting some clarity on, sooner rather than later, whatever the answer ended up being.
"Well, I am still angry that you were spying on us for so long without telling us, Star," she said, chickening out. Wow, Jackie Lynn-Thomas, way to be a hypocrite! This whole 'talking about our deepest fears and wants' thing had been her idea, after all. Still, it wasn't like the scrying thing didn't bother her too. Perhaps it was easier to address that one first, and then move on to the other, thornier, stuff.
"I... I am sorry, Jackie, again, I really am," Star repeated, rubbing her hand against the back of her head. "I mean, about not telling you two. I really have no excuse there. I guess I was just too much of a coward. I was afraid well, of this, of you hating me, I guess..."
"I didn't say I hated you, Star. I said I was angry," Jackie clarified. Ironically, right now she could easily understand being afraid of bringing up something like that. She really could. Maybe she was being too harsh on the princess? The whole thing seemed like ages ago, given all that had happened in the in-between. Still, she had to admit it bothered her some, "I guess the truth is, besides the trust issue, the idea of you seeing... well, you know... it's... it's really weird, Star. I guess I might not show it much, but it actually makes me sort of self-conscious, alright? I think Marco feels similarly. That's why we haven't been, well, you know... Knowing you are, or would be, watching, well, it makes things pretty damn awkward for me."
"Yeah, totally, totally..." nodded Star, nervously. "I get it, and I am sorry. But, also, after the first time, I just didn't have control over it, I swear..."
"I guess I kinda know what that feels like now," remarked Jackie. She glanced at Marco who was just flustered enough for her to tell he got what she was talking about.
"Riiight, Tom," Star mussed. She made a face like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. "Guess that makes us a bit more even, in a way?" she offered, cautiously.
A thought occurred then to Jackie. It was the most counter-intuitive weird thought possible. It made no sense. It was the very thing that she was angry about, combined with the thing she was really afraid of, and yet, it made her, well, it made her curious. What she wanted to do now was all kinds of messed up. It was not reasonable, it was doubtful that it would be helpful, and it was, frankly, not very nice. She wanted to actually get even.
She looked at the golden seashell in the middle of the nacre scabbard. 'Why not?' she thought.
"No, I don't think we are, Star," Jackie noted. "We are not even. I mean, you casted the spell, and spied on us, and then your spell caused us to watch you. It was all your doing, so I don't think that counts as even. Look, Star, I forgive you, right now, I do, so you don't need to feel forced to do this. But we are not even. Do you actually want to be even?" she smiled. It was sort of a wicked smile, at least by her standards.
Star's eyes narrowed. In another time, the mewman might have had eagerly agreed to anything in order to soothe her guilty conscience. But the princess was no longer as naive as she once had been, if she had ever truly been so. For a second, she looked a lot like her colder self from the last few weeks, and Jackie began to regret pushing her buttons. Star eyed her up and down. Cautiously, she asked "How?"
Jackie breathed in and forced herself to remain calm. "I get to look this time, on my terms."
"What?!" Star's eyes went wide. "Look at what? How? ... Why?"
Marco was shooting his human girlfriend an even more incredulous stare, like she had suddenly grown a second head.
"You and Marco," she explained. "Look, you don't have to do this. I am not going to hold the spying thing over your head forever either way, Star, what's done is done." That was true. "... I guess I was just joking." That wasn't.
Star looked down, embarrassed. "Well, ah, Jackie... why do you want to see that?" she asked.
"I don't know," Jackie admitted, also nervous, but feeling a bit better now that she saw the princess' reaction. The mewman's voice was hesitant, but not angry or resentful. "But I sort of do. I mean, maybe this is not a good thing to bring up now, what with all the other stuff. You two are talking about the fate of the world, and I bring this up... I guess it was a stupid idea... and if you don't want to..."
Jackie realized that she was rambling. 'So that's how being Marco feels!', she thought to herself, a silent anxious quip.
"I am in," interrupted Star, still not lifting her gaze from the floor. "I am in if Marco is in. But, I still don't get it, Jackie. What does that have to do with anything?"
"I don't know," repeated the human girl truthfully. Perhaps it was her way of confronting the thing she was really afraid of. Star and Tom had been weird to watch. It had been a surprise, and it had been upsetting because Jackie was worried that would hurt Marco. But it didn't tell her much. It didn't tell her if what Marco and Star had was much different from what she and Marco had. It was not like it had to be the same, in order for what the two humans had to be good too. But, well, still, she just had to know.
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I Summon the All-Seeing Eye