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The Shadow of his Heart	By : Catspeaker Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 12692 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 25
- 26
- 27
Cat's Corner: Happy Holiday Season everyone! The story continues! Hope you've all been enjoying it, even if it's alot less 'porny' than the typical stories on this site. Nothing wrong with that, I also wrote "Why Can't We be Like this Forever" which is designed to have a lot more sex, and I love some of the Loud House smut focused stories here! But hopefully this one is still keeping your interest, despite the smut being much further between! Take care!
Ronnie Anne Santiago looked down at her phone as she sat on her bed, opposite of her best friend Sidney Chang.
Sid lived in the apartment directly above Ronnie Anne’s own with her parents, an L-train conductor and Zoologist. Sid had been the first real friend that Ronnie made after moving to Great Lakes City with her mother and elder brother. It had only been a few weeks after her move that the excitable, adventurous and silly girl had moved in, and the two had hit it off right away.
Ronnie and Sid were practically inseparable from the time they were 11, to now both at 19, both university students at Fairway just outside the city. In a lot of ways Ronnie Anne was so grateful for how close the prestigious university was, and that Sid and her were going together. Not all of their classes lined up exactly, but they did share two at the moment, which helped with studying and note taking.
Sid was a lot of fun, known for her open mind and her willingness to try anything at least once, she seemed to care little for what others thought of her, living life with a bright-eyed optimism many found enviable. She was what many considered to be, downright adorakble, and it was not lost on Ronnie why she had clicked with Sid so easily
Sidney was an attractive girl, in a very spritely way. Half-Chinese, she favored her father’s almond shaped eyes, and darker hair, but had taken after her mother when it came to her paler skin, her nose and figure. Taller than Ronnie, she was lithe, and long limbed, with a dancer’s build. There was always an unmistakable aura of fun that came off of Sidney. She livened up anywhere she went and charmed everyone she met with her adventurous attitude. It didn’t matter if she failed or not when she was trying something new, what mattered was the experience.
Sid had popped down the fire-escape that linked the two apartment buildings and led directly to Ronnie’s room after Ronnie had retired for the night. It wasn’t uncommon for Sid to visit, but this time Ronnie knew exactly what Sid wanted to know about. Ronnie had largely been quiet as she stared down at her phone. Her attention taken up by a single text message that had been left for her from a Mentor.
It had come just an hour ago. She’d been staring at it in thought for several minutes now.
The message simply read.
Helga Shortman:
What do bad ass bitches do?
It took her back to that night, years ago, the block party celebration and Bobby’s proposal to Lori. It took her back to Her and Lincoln’s declaration of love until the end of the world while they watched the fireworks. It took her back to the conversation she had with Helga. About the difficulties involved with loving a boy who was sweet and kind, and thought you were too good for him, when you knew it was the other way around. About the difficulties of being a girl with a fear of abandonment and an aggressive nature.
But it also reminded her of what Helga said was the advantage of being such a girl. Bad Ass bitches were willing to fight.
Ronnie Anne just wondered if she had that fight in her, and if she wanted to fight for what Helga was hinting at.
Who was she kidding? Of course she did. All it took was one evening with him to have all those memories and giddy happy feelings come back. Those feelings of how relaxed she felt around him, how connected. Ronnie never felt like she had to be anyone but herself around that boy. That boy who made her feel so excited every time he had taken her hand, kissed her, or pulled her close.
That boy she’d fallen in love with back in 5^th grade. God he was such a dork. She just couldn’t understand that dopey smile he wore most of the time, or the way he ran his little gang of nerd friends without even realizing it. He was the god damn nerd king, and so corny at everything he did in life, it made her roll her eyes so much when she watched him. He was almost unaware of just what a dork he was. But for some reason, she found it insufferably adorable. It made her want to kiss him and hug him when he thought he was being cool, even when he was being lame. He was just so, so genuine in everything he did.
It also helped he was handsome. Those Loud family genes were generous. Rita and Lynn Sr had created a bevy of beautiful girls together, but they’d also created one handsome boy as well. He’d only gotten more handsome now that he was older. It helped Lincoln didn’t even realize how cute he was, the fact he was such a doofus added to his appeal. Back when they were really kids, she didn’t understand her crush at first. The way he made butterflies flit through her stomach when he looked at her or smiled at her. It made her frustrated and giddy at the same time. She hadn’t handled it in the best way, but she still remembered, those few blissful months they were a boyfriend and girlfriend.
The nerd king and the 5^th grade bully. Nobody in school could believe those two were actually an item. Not unless they saw the two at the arcade together, playing right alongside one another.
It had made her wish they’d gone to Middle School and High School together. She went from bully to the cool skatergirl. He was still the nerd king, only now he led the journalism club. What a pair they would have made.
There was one area where Lincoln wasn’t a complete dork though. While he was cute, and sweet and she liked those qualities, there was one area that sealed the deal for Ronnie Anne. Lincoln was no stumbling, fumbling wimp who needed a girl to lead him by the nose when it came to Romance. He actually seemed like he knew what he was doing. Where his actions seemed almost dare she say it…smooth. It probably helped being raised with so many girls, but Lincoln knew how to treat a woman. He knew how to romance a girl he was interested in.
That had been what sealed things between the two of them. Sure, he was good looking, and she had a thing for dorky types, but it really had been the fact Linc had kissed her with so little fear and almost out of the blue, that had swept her then 11-year-old self right off her feet.
Ronnie Anne was broken from her revery by Sid speaking up, clearing her throat.
“Ronnie! Ronnie! Come on, are you going to tell me how things went?!”
Ronnie almost jumped, before she brought her attention back to her best friend.
Sid had always known Ronnie to be the toughest and bravest girl she’d ever met. Ronnie had no fear of pain, and never backed down from a challenge. The girl’s favorite activity was skateboarding, and it wasn’t unusual for her to be sporting fresh bumps, bruises, and scrapes from falling. But none of it bothered Ronnie, she took those spills and wipeouts as a matter of pride, as badges of honor. She never shied away from anything, or anyone.
Which is what made her taste in romance and boys deeply ironic. This was an area Ronnie Anne was positively bashful in. That tough as nails, kick-ass, tomboy flipped the script completely and became one of the most feminine and soft girls when it came to Romance. Ronnie Anne was the type of girl that wanted to be wooed. She loved romantic gestures and was downright saccharine when it came to being in love.
She was almost exactly like her big brother.
Something if it was ever pointed out to her, would drive her crazy. Her affection was still all through her unique lens of being Ronnie though. Or as she liked to think of it…
A Warrior in the Streets, a Princess in the…
Moments of affection with her lover.
Right now Sid could see she was talking to the demure Princess Ronnie Anne right now. The girl was blushing, looking down at her feet, trying to hide how much she was smiling.
“I had a lovely and fun evening with my family Sid.”
Sid knew her best friend was deflecting. She was too shy, too scared to really open up about what she was feeling without at least a little prodding.
“Come on Ronnie! Don’t give me that! Stop playing dumb, you know I’m asking how things went with your boy!”
Ronnie Looked up, nothing but blushes on her mocha colored, freckled cheeks. She looked away with her big chocolate eyes as she huffed.
“He’s not my boy Sid.”
Sid rolled her eyes and smirked.
“He’s your boy. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
Ronnie Anne groaned, fell back on her bed and placed her hands over her face. Despite her protests, she couldn’t stop grinning.
“Sid! It’s not, it’s not like that! We’re happy to see each other, but it doesn’t mean anything!”
Sid’s voice came back in a matter of fact yet still playful tone.
“Oh yeah? Doesn’t mean anything huh? Well how do you explain this!”
Ronnie frowned, “Explain what---” Her voice trailed off after she sat up and took a look at what Sid was referring too.
Sid was holding her phone up, directly in front of Ronnie’s view. There was a picture on it from someone’s social media wall. It was a picture of her and Lincoln from earlier in the evening. They were on the couch together, she was practically jumping on his back, her arms around his shoulders, laugher on her face. Lincoln was looking right back at her, his own grin wide.
Ronnie practically squeaked
“Who took that?!”
Sid grinned.
“Oh come on, whose the fastest smart phone draw in the mid-west?”
Ronnie Anne smacked her hands to her face again, doubling over and groaning playfully.
“Lori! Dammit! I didn’t even notice her snapping pictures!”
Sid practically cackled.
“Of course, your sister-in-law! The Queen of the selfie! She took a bunch of pictures of the evening, but I noticed there were more than a few of you and Lincoln. Like she was trying to subtly hide those in with the others to not look suspicious.”
Ronnie Anne let out an exasperated sigh.
“Okay! Okay Sid! It was awesome! I loved every moment of it! We hugged each other, told jokes, kept looking at each other and smiling, and it was all I could do not to drag him into my room and start making out with him! I think he would have liked it too!”
Sid continued to smirk, leaning back in Ronnie Anne’s office chair, “Now see, was that so hard? Bet ya feel better now letting it all out like that!”
Ronnie gave another frustrated as she looked back to her friend.
“But that’s the thing Sid! I don’t know, and I don’t want to just…just jump to conclusions or assume things! Then there’s the way he let things end between us before! I’m still a little pissed at him for it, even if I just want to kiss him, throw him on my bed and ride him like I did when we were together!”
Ronnie immediately blushed after those words escaped her lips. Looking horribly embarrassed, as she hugged herself in response.
Sid let out a long low whistle.
“You got it bad again, don’t you girl?”
Ronnie Anne rubbed her eyes with her palms, still obviously frustrated.
“Ugh, and I hate it! I hate how his stupid smile, and his cute freckles and his chipped tooth and his toned arms make me melt. He was such a damn noodle when we were younger! Skinny and undefined but cute, then he had to go and start working out and get hot! It’s not fair Sid!”
Sid giggled as she watched her best friend.
“Oh yeah, because your butt and boobs getting bigger didn’t make you get any hotter. I’m sure he wasn’t at all thinking, ‘if only I could get my hands on that again’. Thicc girls are where it’s at now Ronnie. It’s what the boys want.”
Ronnie Anne fixed Sid with an annoyed glare, Sid only grinned in reply. Ronnie breathed out and responded.
“I want him, to want me, for me. Like he did before. Okay yes, I want him to think I’m hot, but I want him to remember how good we were. How much fun we had together. We almost never fought. I’m not used to that. We made each other better. I’m just, worried and confused, and I just want us to have a good time together, but I see him and all I want to do is hug him, feel his arms around me again.”
Ronnie Anne frowned, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees. She was practically pouting.
Sid leaned forward and placed a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder, giving her a soft reassuring smile.
“You’ve almost got a whole week with him. Just focus on doing what you two always did best together. Being yourselves. You two have such natural chemistry together, you always have. I’ve never seen you so relaxed with a guy like you were with Linc. You never had to pretend to be anyone but yourself with him. I think it’s probably the same on his end. Just enjoy one another’s company like you used to. See what happens!”
Ronnie Anne looked back at Sid and gave a slight smile in return.
“Guess that’s what I’m going to have to do. Get back to that chemistry we have. I’m so excited to hang out with him again, it’s like I can’t wait to get up and see him all over.”
Sid nodded still smiling.
“I’ll bet he’s thinking the same thing. You’re both older now, a little more mature, you just need to let things happen with one another again. It’ll all click I’m positive.”
Ronnie stood up and moved to her window, looking out it with a soft frown, before she nodded her head.
“Thanks Sid, I knew I could rely on you.”
Sid stood up and clapped Ronnie on the back.
“Hey, what are friends for?”
As Ronnie looked back at her, she felt her phone vibrating with an incoming call. Looking down at the caller, her curiosity was suddenly piqued.
“Clyde? Clyde is calling me? What the heck is he calling me for?”
The Next Morning
When Lincoln woke up, it was in a vast tangle of limbs, and warm bodies made up of some of the people he loved most in the world. Snug up against his chest was his youngest sister, Lily, who during the night had seized upon him as her primary source of warmth. His own arms had curled around the young girl protectively and she seemed snug and happy against her big brother.
Wrapped around Lily from behind, was his second eldest sister Leni, who had one leg out stretched across Lily, and over his hip. Both of her arms were wrapped around Lily’s upper body, and the ever-present sweet smile Leni kept had never left her lips during the night, as her head was nestled into the top of Lily’s hair.
Behind him, he felt the warm, and very pregnant body of his sister Lori. Her arms were wrapped around his upper torso, much as Leni’s were wrapped around Lily’s own. Of course, Lori was snoring softly, but she too had extended a leg over him, bumping up against Leni’s own in the process.
The result was a strange sibling sandwich. Lincoln realized he was the meat, Lily making the cheese (Appropriate for how much Lily loved cheese), with Lori and Leni the slices of bread. Thinking about this made him start to snort and laugh. He apparently wasn’t the only one waking up, as he heard Lily give a yawn against his chest, and then felt the young girl stretch her limbs out. He watched her eye lids begin to slowly flutter open and look up at him. A large happy smile spread across her lips as she recognized her big brother and where she was.
“Good morning Lincy!” she whispered excitedly.
Lincoln returned her smile, leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“Morning Lilster! Looks like we’re the first to wake up!”
He heard a yawn come from behind him, indicating Lori’s wakefulness, as she even responded to the two!
“I literally woke up like an hour ago, and took a bunch of pictures of all of us, but then fell back asleep afterwards.”
Lori yawned again, and then stretched out against Lincoln. She seemed to repeat the very same process he’d done for Lily, reaching over and kissing the top of his head affectionately. Lincoln was reminded once more Lori must look at all of them the way he looked at the five sisters younger than himself.
“You’re not a bad boo-boo bear fill in Lincoln. I didn’t have any trouble falling asleep next to you. Nice and warm, and good to hug in bed.” She teased him a little, before Lori reached up and pat his cheek with her fingers. “Maybe you should think about growing some facial hair, add some maturity to that baby boy face of yours.” She added.
Before Lincoln could respond, the last yawn indicating the last sister waking up caught his attention. Leni had sat up, her long blonde hair plastered about her head, a slightly panicked look as she regarded the eldest.
“Lori! You totes did not take a picture of us in bed looking like this! My hair looks terrible!”
Lori only giggled in response as she sat up, looking over Lincoln.
“I literally did, oh don’t worry Leni, you looked beautiful! You all looked great and so cute too, how was I supposed to resist taking a few pictures?! Oh wait! Hold on, hold on!” Lori quickly added, before she reached behind herself, and took up her never far from reach smart phone.
“Okay, okay you three crowd in, crowd in!”
Before anyone could think to Protest, Lori was pressing herself up against her three younger siblings. Leni didn’t protest, but quickly smoothed her hair down, Lily smiled and grabbed Lincoln, who was more bewildered by the idea of sudden post sleep group selfies, but did his best to smile.
A few moments later Lori had snapped a pics of the four together, faces pressed up, early morning grins and bed hair all around. Lincoln did find it sweet, if a little silly, Lori and Leni seemed completely in their element, even duck lipping for a few, and Lily continued to just bask in the happiness of being with her older siblings.
After it was all said and done, Lori slid out of bed first and stretched. She was wearing a white tank top, and a pair of light blue shorts. Her pregnant belly slipping out from the bottom of the tank top, and over the top of her waistband. Lincoln was reminded of how his and his sister’s sleep attire mirrored one another. He ditched wearing proper Pajamas after turning 13, and much like his eldest sister, all but slept in his underwear.
It seemed more than ever he was noticing the little details he shared with his sisters, or the details they shared with each other. The habits and actions that spoke of their relationships with one another. These little revelations made him smile inwardly, more and more he was glad he’d taken this trip. He’d missed Lori and Leni terribly, just as he had missed Lynn. He had adjusted to his sisters moving out one by one over the years, but recent months had reminded him just how important they all were. He resolved to not let so much time pass between seeing them again.
Riding that high of familial love and reconnection Lincoln decided he wanted to do something nice for the girls he loved so much, and his brother-in-law as well.
“Hey guys, how about I make everyone breakfast today?”
Lily piped up excitedly, “I want pancakes, and scrambled eggs with extra cheese!”
Lincoln smirked as he climbed out of bed, “Lily you’d put cheese on everything if you could, ice-cream included.”
Lily stuck out her tongue at her big brother making a face, “Eww, no way! Cheese on ice-cream!?”
Lori rolled her eyes as she regarded the youngest among them, “You know what too much cheese does to your tummy Lily.”
But Lily only looked back to her big sister and stuck her tongue out at her too.
Leni was the next to slide out of bed as she raised her eyebrow, “What’s wrong with cheese, it’s totes the best!”
Lori and Lincoln looked at one another, and mutually rolled their eyes. Leni and Lily both loved cheese, and yet too much of it upset their tummies and made both grouchy, a 180 from their typical sweet natures. It was one of those things the Loud siblings understood about one another. A level of comfort they shared having grown up. It made Lily and Leni grouchy, because it made them constipated.
This was something neither seemed to understand but was understood by Lori and Lincoln. It was another moment Lincoln understood the parallels between himself and Lori, but also Leni and Lily.
Leni and Lily were both regarded as the sweetest of their ten sisters, with Leni barely edging Lily out thanks to a hidden mischievous streak the youngest possessed. Both sisters were also the most visually artistic of the bunch. They even matched one another with their platinum blonde hair. The love of cheese, despite the effect it had on their bellies was just another link between them.
Lori interrupted Lincoln’s mental comparisons.
“Putting cheese aside for the moment, you’ll probably have some help in the kitchen today Lincoln.”
Lincoln looked up curiously, but Lori only gave a mysterious smile in return.
When the four arrived in the living room, they found Bobby already dressed and freshly showered, his ever-present flannel and jeans on. Bobby was a sharp dresser when it came to special occasions, but his everyday attire was completely simple and practical. But even Lincoln understood Bobby Santiago was a handsome guy, he made ordinary clothes look good and rather effortlessly at that.
Lori and Bobby greeted one another with a hug and a kiss, Lori’s arms relaxing around Bobby’s shoulders. “Mmm, Boo-Boo bear, I think that’s the first night I haven’t slept with you in years!”
Bobby only smiled at his wife, his arms wrapped around her waist casually, “Aww Babe, it’s okay, I know how much you missed your family! Besides I had Marco and Lina to keep me company all night!” Bobby grinned as he dropped his voice almost to a whisper, “They’re still in bed asleep right now.”
Lori let out a little squeak of excitement raising her fists up in front of her, grinning wildly, “My babies are all snuggled up together!? Picture time!” Lori was already racing off down the hall, phone in hand.
Lincoln entwined his fingers together, and cracked them audibly, a smug smirk coming up on his lips as he looked towards his brother-in-law and spoke in a confident, assertive tone.
“Alright Bobby, what would you like for breakfast today? Because I’m cooking for everyone!”
Bobby having watched his wife take off to indulge her photo obsession, looked back to Lincoln with a smile.
“Oh, Nini’s already in there! She wanted to cook breakfast for everyone this morning. Ya know She helps out a lot for Lori and me. Real wife material, know what I’m saying bro?”
Bobby winked at Lincoln, who found himself suddenly flushing at the implications Bobby was getting at.
While Lincoln was no slouch when it came to domestic skills, having been brought up to know how to take care of necessary chores, it was no lie Ronnie Anne knew how to keep a home. He’d seen that for himself back when she still lived in Royal Woods and practically ran her household for her overworked mother and brother. She cooked, cleaned, and did laundry. Seeing the Ronnie Anne that doted on her big brother and looked after her tired mom had been shocking for Lincoln the first time he’d seen it. Now it was just another aspect of the multi-faceted Ronnie Anne he admired so much.
Lincoln’s thoughts of domestic bliss were interrupted by the pass-through window from the Kitchen opening up. Out popped the very ‘wife material’ Bobby had been talking about. Ronnie Anne’s visage appeared, her dark hair currently pulled back into a side ponytail, reminiscent of the look she had when she was younger. She regarded Lincoln with a smug smile of her own.
“Looks like I beat you too it Lame-o! Of course, I could always use a sou-chef in here, after all, it’s not like you can compete with me in the cooking department anyway.”
Lincoln grinned, “Oh you are on Ronnie Anne! I hope you’ve stepped up your game, cause I’ve been taking lessons from my Dad!”
Ronnie sneered playfully, “Like that’s going to help you after I’ve been taking lessons from my Abuela Rosa!”
Lincoln already found himself fired up. Ronnie could really turn anything into a contest. But it was always a little more playful with her than it was with his sister Lynn, who could sometimes get carried away.
As Lincoln made his way to the kitchen, Leni and Lily spoke up in unison from the couch the two were sitting on, “We want extra cheese!”
Lincoln found himself in the kitchen with his old girlfriend shortly after. He saw Ronnie hadn’t bothered changing out of her own Pajamas when she came down, a pair of violet flannel pants, and a long black Ramones t-shirt was over her curvaceous frame. She fixed him with a warm smile as he entered.
“Sup Lame-o, you know I wanted to cook YOU breakfast to welcome you back, but you just had to go and ruin the surprise huh?” she teased him.
“What if I wanted to make YOU breakfast as a greeting to let you know I missed you!” Lincoln fired back with a smirk.
Ronnie approached Lincoln slyly, he could swear she was exaggerating the swing in her hips. She brought her finger up and poked him in the chest, looking up at him.
“What if I WANT you to make me breakfast Lincoln Loud?”
Lincoln grinned back, caught up in the playful banter the two shared. He couldn’t stop himself as he reached forward and poked Ronnie right back, he’d meant to hit her shoulder, but as if rebelling against him, his finger ended up pressing just above her breast. Ronnie Anne’s smile only got wider.
“What if I WANT you to make me breakfast Ronnie Anne Santiago?”
Lincoln hadn’t even noticed how his voice had dropped an octave lower, his tone ever so slightly more flirtatious.
He hadn’t pulled his finger away. He couldn’t help but notice it. Ronnie was just as beautiful as ever. More, she was sexy. Even in her Pajamas, with her unwashed hair, grinning up at him. Maybe she was even more sexy because of it. Because he could imagine them waking up together dressed like this.
Lincoln realized they were alone at the moment. It was the first time they had been alone in forever.
He could feel a tension in the air. Ronnie could feel it too. It wasn’t unpleasant, far from it. It was exciting, a little game they had unconsciously decided to play together. As if they were daring one another to go further, to make the first move.
To dare one another or make what kind of move, he wasn’t certain.
No, that wasn’t true at all.
He was quite certain what it was. He just didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to give voice to it. Giving voice to it would make it more powerful, and while he could excuse himself for taking Leni on an innocent date, he couldn’t make that kind of excuse for Ronnie Anne.
He couldn’t make that excuse, even as he recalled the scent of her hair, the softness of her lips, how wonderful she felt in his arms.
But there was absolutely no denying that energy between them, no denying the inherent chemistry they had. No denying the pull they felt towards one another.
Ronnie Anne reached up and closed her fingers around Lincoln’s hand. She never took her big chocolate eyes off his azure blue as she gently pulled his hand away and squeezed it. Her voice took on an almost sultry whisper without her even consciously realizing she was doing it.
“Maybe that’s exactly what I want Lincoln Loud.”
Lincoln wasn’t even sure if they were talking about breakfast anymore. Time almost felt frozen in this moment. He couldn’t even control his own voice as it lowered in return. His body felt hotter, and he knew it was more than just the heat being higher in here from the stovetop being on.
“Then that’s what I’m going to do Ronnie Anne. I’m going to make your breakfast.”
Ronnie hadn’t released his hand. She kept grinning, looking up at him.
“Good, because I’m going to make your breakfast.”
The two stared at one another silently, before…
Before…
Before large goofy grins broke out on both their faces and they started laughing. Both of them, laughing, and all the tension drained away in that moment.
Well, almost all of it.
Ronnie Anne continued to laugh, Lincoln too, before she reached up and wiped her eyes.
“What the heck are we doing Lame-o?” Ronnie asked with a sigh.
Lincoln only continued to grin as he laughed, “I’m pretty sure we’re making breakfast. Or at least, we’re supposed to be doing that.”
It was a dodge. He knew it. She knew it.
It was clear Ronnie Anne was hinting at a deeper question, but she let it go for now. It was okay, they didn’t need to tackle the heavy stuff in this moment. She was just happy to be with him. He was happy to be with her.
She turned, still holding his hand, then dragged him over towards the stove and the counter, where she had things prepared. When they were side by side, she released her grip, but then playfully bumped her hip up against his own.
Lincoln felt butterflies in his stomach.
“Well good, I could use the help, and you’re going to make me breakfast.”
Lincoln nodded, “That’s right, and you’re going to make me breakfast.”
Both of them laughed again at the stupid running joke they’d made together. They already knew they’d be mentioning breakfast all week to each other now. They created in-jokes together just as easily as he did with Clyde.
Lincoln busied himself with cutting up vegetables, while Ronnie Anne went about pouring batter into a pan. The two worked in mutual silence together, helping one another out for a minute or two before Ronnie Anne spoke up.
“What do you got planned today Lame-O? You know I want time with you.”
Lincoln was a little taken aback by Ronnie’s statement. He didn’t know if she misspoke, was being really forward, was teasing him, or if he was reading too much into her current statement. But he found himself feeling warm inside all the same.
“You know I want time with you too, but I got some things planned with Leni for the morning and afternoon. I’ll be free after that probably.”
Ronnie Anne nodded, “Cool, Lori missed you too, I’m sure she’s going to want to get some time with you as well. Can’t steal you away from your sisters, so I’ll just wait my turn.”
Lincoln gave a soft sigh, and shook his head, “That’s a running theme in my life, isn’t it? Being stolen away by my sisters.”
Ronnie chuckled as she nodded, throwing some bacon in another pan, “Yeah it is, but it’s one of the things that makes you, you Lame-o.” She turned to look at him, smirking and shrugging her shoulders with her eyes closed, “Just something any girl who gets with you is going to have to accept. There’s 10 other women in your life who will always be important.”
Lincoln smiled, “11 if you include my mom.”
Ronnie smiled and nodded, turning back towards the pans, “Oh yeah, can’t forget you’re a Mama’s boy too. Geez Lame-O, no wonder you tolerated me at my most obnoxious, dealing with all those women all your life. I still can’t believe we ended up dating after everything I put you through in 5^th grade.”
Lincoln gave a little shrug of his own, “Eh, you’re pretty, and I guess I’ve always had a thing for girls that bully me a little.”
Ronnie Anne smiled and flushed. Lincoln had called her pretty, and she understood he meant it. She took a moment to appreciate the compliment, before her voice turned a little serious, “Yeah but, you know you were also one of the first people to stand up to me.”
Lincoln chuckled softly, “Well, despite how much you and Clyde say otherwise, I do say no to my sisters now and then.”
Ronnie nodded her head as she looked back to Lincoln, and frowned.
“Yeah, that was why I knew you were different. Even beyond the fact I thought you were cute you and that dumb white hair, those freckles, and buck teeth. Linc, you always stood up to me when it was needed. Even when we were dating. Girls are smart, we know when you’re letting us get our way. But when I was acting like a bitch, you didn’t put up with it.”
Lincoln furrowed his brow, frowning, “What are you getting at Ronnie Anne?”
Ronnie looked over her shoulder towards him, concern on her features.
“You know what I’m talking about Lame-O. That girl, Melanie. I’ve heard all about her from your sisters and Clyde. How did you ever end up with her? I get it, she was hot, but you’re better than that.”
Lincoln felt an all too familiar sensation and feeling come over him. Embarrassment, and self-loathing. But at the same time, he understood Ronnie Anne wasn’t trying to belittle him. She sounded concerned.
Lincoln closed his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t know Ronnie. I don’t know a lot of things. I think right now, I’m the most confused I’ve ever been in my life. I’m questioning my entire life right now”
He felt Ronnie Anne’s hand come down over his own, a gentle reassuring squeeze given. He opened his eyes and saw her smiling up at him. He looked back and returned her smile.
The two came together in an embrace, arms around each other. It was a reassuring hug, one dear friend trying to comfort another. Ronne Anne made small circles over his upper back with her hand as she spoke.
“Believe it or not Lame-o, I care about you. A lot. I’m here for you. Maybe we can talk a little bit about your confusion later. Might make you feel better.”
Lincoln didn’t know if he really could open up to Ronnie Anne about everything. How would she even react to that? Oh hey Ronnie Anne, three of my sisters are in love with me, I’ve slept with two of them, I’m taking the third on a date today, and oh yeah I consider one of them to be my girlfriend. Is that weird? On top of that, I’m pretty sure I still have feelings for you. I’m a complete fucking mess.
He thought that’d probably go over like a lead balloon.
So instead, he just hugged her back, sighed and gave a weak smile.
“Yeah, maybe. Maybe I should. Maybe we should.”
Even as torn up as he felt, even as his heart seemed like it was being pulled in so many different directions at once, he couldn’t help but notice how safe he felt in Ronnie Anne’s arms. She felt like…sanctuary.
Ronnie liked the feeling too. She’d fallen in love with Lincoln’s hugs and kisses as far back as when she was 11. Both had only gotten better with time, or maybe she had just grown to want them more and more in her life. It was the second hug they’d shared since he arrived. But it felt even better alone like this, and more, knowing she was making him feel better.
Slowly they parted, and Ronnie Anne gave him a playful elbow to the ribs followed by a smirk.
“We’ll hang a little tonight. We don’t have to talk about anything major if you don’t want to. But I’ll be there for you, that and we have some rematches to catch up on.”
Lincoln smirked as they both returned to cooking, “Still looking to get spanked huh?”
Ronnie Anne grinned at him and his choice of words, “Maybe I am Lame-o, maybe I am.”
After the two finished cooking, the whole family gathered up together in the living room to eat. Lori sitting back in the big comfy Lazy chair, Bobby on the love seat with Marco and Lina right next to him, and Lily against them.
On the couch, Lincoln had Leni to his left, and Ronnie Anne to his right.
The family was enjoying a meal of pancakes, bacon, and Huevos Rancheros. As Lincoln bit further and further into his Ranchero he noticed something. It seemed to be getting hotter and hotter. Ronnie Anne had told him she’d put spice on it. But this seemed…
And then suddenly his tongue felt like it was on fire. His eyes began to water, and he almost choked. What the hell was on this damn thing?! He looked around and noticed everyone else seemed to be fine, while he felt like he was about to spit lava at any moment!
That was when he noticed Ronnie Anne grinning at him.
“What’s wrong Lame-O? A little too hot for you?”
Dammit!
Ronnie loved playing pranks almost as much as his sister Luan did! He was her favorite victim too! He should have known not to let his guard down around her, even if she was being kind and caring towards him! She’d never given him respite, even when he was her boyfriend!
He looked at her, with watering eyes, barely managing to squeak out, “Ronnie Anne?! What did you do!?”
Ronnie was grinning, “Oh wait… Did I accidently add Carolina Death Reaper to your ranchero?! Oh no Lincoln, what was I thinking!?” She added in a mocking tone, before she almost fell over laughing. The rest of the family just watched in a combination of confusion or amusement.
Lincoln swore he’d get her back as he raced off towards the Kitchen to get some milk and stop the fire that was consuming his mouth.
Ronnie Anne watched him with a wistful expression on her features. Had there ever been a better boy to play pranks on? She couldn’t think of a single one.
After Breakfast, the Guest Room.
Leni regarded herself in the mirror as she held up different tops and dresses over her body, turning this way and that to see how they looked on her figure. She was currently dressed only in a pair of soft light green white polka dot silky panties and a matching bra.
She was so excited! After Lincoln had managed to wash the taste of reaper off his tongue, he’d let the family know Leni and he were going to head out to spend some time together.
She knew what that meant! It was their date time! Her and her Lincy were going to be alone!
She knew they had important things to talk about too, she really wanted to help her little brother out. But after that, they were going to have fun together! She hadn’t felt this happy in so long!
She had to make sure she looked her best for him. This was very important. Leni wasn’t one who went out of her way to dress provocatively most of the time. That and the current weather didn’t lend itself to dress in a manner that showed off a whole lot of skin anyway, but she thought at the very least, she could look cute. Lincoln, her date, she reminded herself with a grin, deserved that! He deserved a girl that looked good on his arm!
Nothing could bring her mood down, nothing but the presence of her older sister, who was in the room with her, arms folded and watching her.
Leni knew what their conversation was going to be about before Lori even opened her mouth.
It was one she didn’t want to have at all. She loved Lori, she really really did. While Leni had always been a popular girl and never lacked for friends, it wasn’t a lie at all to say Lori was her best friend. Lori was the person she was arguably closest to in her life. Lori understood her, Lori knew how to ‘speak’ Leni, and Lori shared so much in common with her.
The two could spend hours on the phone together some days, and she knew, she really knew, Lori did everything out of a sense of love for her younger sister. Lori wanted nothing but the best for all of her siblings, and she thought she knew what was best.
It was just, Lori didn’t understand what was truly best for Leni. Or really, maybe Lori did understand, but didn’t want to admit it to herself.
Leni had always suspected it. She’d always had strong suspicions of it. The hidden feelings Lori had buried so far deep in her heart, she wasn’t aware of them consciously anymore.
There was a time, her beautiful older sister could have been considered less than conventionally attractive.
Puberty had not been kind to Lori. While Leni had gone from cute as a button, to gorgeous as she got older, Lori went through what was referred to as her awkward phase. The era of pictures she was eternally embarrassed of, that she did her best to pretend never happened.
When Lori wasn’t as popular at school. When she wore big glasses, had bad skin, braces and almost no figure, and the most exciting thing in her life was getting on the honor role. It was a time she hated. She had grown out of it eventually, but during the three-year period she was in it, she felt like the biggest nerd in the family.
There was one person who could always brighten her day in that period, however.
Lincoln.
Lincoln always made Lori smile.
Even back then, Leni could read the honest, open, adoration Lincoln had for his big sister. The world revolved around her as far as Lincoln was concerned. He loved each and every one of his older sisters of course. He was the little brother with unending love for all of them. But while Lynn might have been his primary playmate, Lori was nothing short of divine in his eyes.
He wanted, needed, her approval for everything. He wanted to show her every picture he drew, he had to talk to her about everything he did in school, and he had to hug her every chance he got. A smile from Lori, a hug, a pat on the head, it made Lincoln’s whole day.
Leni knew, it was the exact way Lily looked at Lincoln.
In that time, Lori had doted on Lincoln more than anyone else outside of Lynn. She played with him, all his pretend games, his videogames, anything he wanted to do after school. She hugged him, kissed all his boo-boos, and treated him like a little Prince. Lori had always had a special bond with her little brother from the time she excitedly fed him his first taste of ice-cream when he a baby. As they grew, it seemed to never diminish.
Lincoln had even known back then, Lori didn’t believe she was pretty. He saw how hurt and low her self-esteem was. And he resolved to do something about it. Every day Lincoln told her she was beautiful, the prettiest girl in the whole world.
Everyday Lincoln said he hoped to have a girlfriend just like her. He told her he would take care of her if no one else was smart enough to see how pretty and talented she was.
Leni would see the embarrassment and frustration that would come across Lori’s eyes from the attention sometimes. How she would hug her pillow so tightly in bed some days, when Lincoln had really made her feel special.
Not because it was her little brother saying such a thing. But because she believed in herself so little at that time, and this little boy honestly believed she was amazing. This little boy worshipped her. And in her most private moments Leni could see what was written on Lori’s face.
‘Why can’t I find a boy who looks at me like the way Lincoln does?’
And even more…
‘Why do I have to be so much older than him?’
That was probably Lori’s biggest, darkest, most hidden secret. One she didn’t even want to admit to herself, but Leni could see it.
But Lori had met Bobby, grew up and got pretty, and while she always loved her baby brother, those same feelings that Leni had, were circumvented. Bobby had come into Lori’s life, and she fell in love with the very sweet, handsome, and slightly ditzy boy. Bobby was everything Lori wanted, and needed. Those old feelings Lori had remained as an echo in her heart, and sometimes Leni would even see them slip out from her big sister. Like a fond memory of a beautiful day in summer.
Lori’s voice interrupted Leni’s observation of her sister.
“You and Lincoln are going out alone together huh?”
Leni held up a turquoise turtleneck shirt in front of herself. It covered everything, but was a little tight around the chest, bringing more attention to it. She almost wanted to flush as she realized she wanted to draw Lincoln’s attention to certain aspects of herself.
She addressed Lori with a positive and happy tone, pretending to be ignorant of her sister’s intentions.
“Yes, I missed him! You know we’re all going to want private time together this week Lori! You, me and Lily are all going to go shopping together too, remember?”
Lori sighed softly, bringing her hand up to her forehead.
“Leni, you know what I’m getting at.”
Leni brought the top down, turned and looked at her older sister.
It seemed they were going to be doing this the hard way. Leni frowned and prepared herself.
“Lori, I’m allowed to spend time with Lincy. You can’t deny me that, and even if you tried, I wouldn’t listen. I’m not a child anymore Lori.”
Leni felt her own heart twist in knots taking that tone with her older sister. She didn’t like conflict, least of all with the people she loved, but it felt absolutely important to assert herself here.
Lori’s face fell into a sad but sympathetic frown. She crossed the distance between them and brought her hands up, taking Leni’s own in hers.
“Leni, I’d never deny you time with Lincoln! How could you think that?!”
Leni continued to frown at Lori. She hated doing it. But she needed to let her know how unhappy she was with the whole Lincoln situation.
Lori hated that she both found Leni’s frown adorable and that it was pointed at her.
It was ironic that Leni fought so rarely with any of her other siblings, but the one she fought with the most, was also her favorite. Lori and Leni’s fights were the stuff of legend when they happened. They were the entire reason a ‘sister fight protocol’ had been devised by the other girls. They would explode over the most frivolous things when they were younger. But the two always made up, always teary eyed and saying they never wanted to fight like that again. Only to inevitably do so later, explode, cry and hug each other and apologize. It was a cycle growing up the other siblings found ironic, and even a little silly.
But their fights and disagreements about Lincoln were always so different.
They were quieter, but more turbulent. It wasn’t a fiery hot explosion that ended up burning out quickly. It was a more intense and longer burn between them.
Something so much more serious, heavier, and always left a wound between the two that never quite fully healed. A feeling of distance that grew every time it came up.
They had both cried themselves to sleep over the issue. Both were afraid it would be the one thing that could destroy the close sisterly bond they shared.
Lori because she just wished Leni would understand why she couldn’t have Lincoln. Because she hated denying anything to her sisters. Because she hated the times she had to be the bad guy in her relationship with her siblings. They often called her the ‘queen of no’ growing up when she’d babysit them all, but they had all admitted over time, she was the reason the House was still standing when Mom and Dad came home.
It didn’t mean she liked it though.
Leni herself hated the distance it caused between her and Lori when it came up. Lori was her best friend. Lori was the sister who understood her most. Lori had always been there, always cheered her on, always believed in her, and gave her the little push she needed when she doubted herself.
But in these instances, Lori would refuse to understand. She’d refuse to entertain the idea or even listen. She didn’t want to hear it, and when the pain of not being able to have what her heart wanted most became too much, who Leni needed most was her big sister.
And she wasn’t there.
Leni’s worst fear was Lori making her choose between herself and Lincoln. She didn’t know how she could possibly face that decision. Lori had never brought it up, but Leni feared it all the same.
Yet despite that fear, she knew she had to stand up for herself in this moment.
“You want to control HOW I talk to Lincy! You want to decide when I can see him, or or if I can even ask him to come visit me! We’re not kids anymore Lori, Lincoln isn’t either! I can see him whenever I want, and he can see me whenever he wants… and… and…”
And then Leni drew her hands back from her favorite person, and she said something she’d never said in her life to her. Despite all the sister fights, despite all the petty arguments they’d had growing up, all the ways they always made up. Leni spoke in a way that absolutely shocked Lori.
“And there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it!”
Leni turned her back and folded her arms, a frown on her lips. Her eyes tearing up.
Lori looked as if someone had just slapped her. She stood dumbfounded at her younger sister. At the girl she thought she had to protect more than any other. At the girl who had shared a room with her until she had moved out.
“L-Leni…I just, I just want to protect you, and him that’s all—”
And then Leni interrupted her.
“No Lori! You just want to control everything like you always do! You can’t even trust me to spend an afternoon with Lincy! Like, like you totes think I’m going to rape him or something!”
Lori flinched at the accusation. Leni had never talked like this to her before. She raised her hand up, looking towards her sister’s back, a quaver in her voice.
“Leni, that’s not at all what I think I’m sorry, please, just… I’m sorry Leni!”
But Leni didn’t turn around, she held her head low and picked up another top, holding it in front of her before looking back into the mirror.
“Lori…I don’t want to talk to you or see you right now. Just, please leave me alone so I can get ready for my date with Lincy.”
Lori winced and had to hold back her own tears. She’d never seen Leni like this before. She didn’t know what to do, but she was afraid of trying to argue with her, afraid of putting more strain on their relationship. This was supposed to be a happy time together, and it had been, but the stark reminder of the block in their relationship was here and now.
She decided she didn’t want to fight. Maybe Leni was even right, was she being too protective? Why couldn’t she just trust her sister to have an innocent afternoon with their little brother? She knew Leni had chosen those last words, ‘date’ to really hurt her too.
Lori gave a soft sigh and nodded her head.
“Okay Leni.” She sounded defeated, as if all the energy had drained out of her.
Lori turned and began to make her way out of the room. A deep depression settling into her. One that wasn’t helped by all the hormones from pregnancy raging through her as well.
Leni felt her sister leaving, and while she was still angry, still upset with her, she also loved her and didn’t want things to end on this note. She wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself with Lincy if Lori went away thinking Leni hated her.
As Lori’s hand touched the doorframe, she heard Leni suddenly call out.
“Lori!”
Lori turned her head to see Leni looking back at her. Her eyes were misty, and she had a forced smile on her lips.
“I love you, okay? I just, need to be like, away from you right now. But I still love you.”
Lori sniffled as she nodded her head, she hated this, but she needed to hear those words more than anything else in the world in this moment.
“I love you too Leni. We’ll talk later…when you’re ready.”
Lori exited the room, leaving Leni to get ready. She left Lily and Lincoln to play in living room with Marco and Lina, before she made her way to the bedroom where her husband was getting ready for work.
She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest, burying her face against his back. Bobby looked up and turned towards her, a look of concern on his bearded features.
“Babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”
Lori sniffed as she nuzzled her cheek against his upper back.
“Just hold me for a moment Boo-Boo Bear. Please, before you leave, hold me a moment.”
Bobby didn’t know what was wrong, but far be it for him to ever deny such a request from his wife. He turned around and wrapped his arms gently, but tightly around his woman. She buried her face into his chest.
They stayed like that for ten minutes, before Bobby left for work.

That afternoon, Downtown Great Lakes City
Leni and Lincoln found themselves in one of the major coffee-shop chains that were ubiquitous to any form of urban development whatsoever. While the area of Great Lakes City that Ronnie Anne’s family lived in had largely avoided gentrification, downtown Great Lakes was a completely different story. Every major chain both national and international could be found among the skyscrapers and sports stadiums. It was festooned with fancy restaurants, trendy clubs, kitschy bars, museums and parks.
It was everything you could want for a day in the city. Even if the coffee shop was a soulless megacorp dedicated to their bottom-line with a faux face of being socially conscious.
Not that it was necessarily a bad thing, it wasn’t like the coffee drinks here were terrible. If anything they were just as tasty and sweet as any other coffee shop, and Lincoln had specifically wanted to go downtown with Leni to avoid running into anyone they knew. He didn’t necessarily know what was going to happen with Leni and himself, but he also knew there were lots of fun places for the two of them to go to on their ‘date’ together. He had already planned ahead on what he wanted to do for her.
Lincoln knew each of his sisters so well, he knew their likes and dislikes, and he knew the kinds of activities they would enjoy. He wanted nothing more than to make his older sister feel like the most special girl in the world today.
But right now, Leni had said she wanted to talk. She had been the one who suggested they get coffee together first, before anything else. She had been the one to say it was important.
The two of them sat at a little two-person table in the back of the coffee shop, with its faux brown marble floors and tables. With easy listening pop music playing overhead. Leni had decided on the turtleneck after all, it was warm, and let her wear a light pink-white fall jacket rimmed with white fur. She’d put on black yoga pants of all things, thick ones, but they still hugged her shapely legs and toned rear leaving little to the imagination. Thigh high light brown ugg boots completed her ensemble.
Like many white girls, Leni loved the fall. She fit into the exact stereotype and demographic of ‘white girls that love fall’. Just from the way she was dressed, her blonde hair, ditzy personality, and the pumpkin spice latte she was enjoying, she was the picture of what most imagined when it came to white girls in the fall.
Of course, Lincoln knew his sister was more than some stereotype, but he did find it amusing just how many of his sisters enjoyed Pumpkin spice lattes when the weather turned colder. Even Lucy, who claimed it was the pumpkin part and its association with Halloween and not some basic suburban white girl motif she bought into like her other sisters.
Lincoln himself was wearing a pair of blue jeans like he typically did, dark in color, but he had changed out some of his clothes to look a little nicer. Brown loafers replaced his typical sneakers, and he wore a turtleneck sweater in his favorite color of orange.
The two looked like a young trendy couple, sitting together, sipping their drinks, gazing back at one another happily. Leni had reached her hand forward across the table, and Lincoln had taken it with his own without hesitation.
She looked good. Lincoln couldn’t help but notice it. The shirt she was wearing just made her chest all the more noticeable, and those tights reminded him of the natural beauty Leni really was. Recent events had changed the way he looked at his sisters, and he enjoyed her the way a man truly enjoyed the sight of a beautiful woman.
But then it made him wonder, had part of him always saw them like this? Had he just lied to himself about the way he felt towards them? The memory when he was 13, when Leni came to his room stood out so vividly.
He had buried what happened there in his mind. He’d purposefully gone out of his way to mask it. He had to, the shame at the time had been too much to handle. Those memories had been locked away inside of him for so long. Buried under heavy chains, protected by shame. Shame that didn’t want to remember how he had felt then.
How hot Leni had looked, really looked. How he desired her body in those moments in the way a brother was never supposed to. How soft her lips were, like he was kissing heaven itself. How he had been fully planning on sticking his tongue between those lips before they were interrupted.
What he did after Lori and Leni had left his room.
Was he always a pervert? Was he always a sister loving freak? God, they walked around in their panties, in towels, all the time. They were so hot, so sexy it drove him nuts when he was going through puberty. That was why he had started spending so much time with his friends then. He needed distance from the capital of the sexiest girls in Royal Woods that was his home.
Had he always been some kind of freak? Some sexual deviant? Or had he just been a normal 13-year-old boy, with very little control of his hormones, who could get hard from a curvy looking peach.
Everything was so confusing. The only thing he was certain of at the moment, was making sure his big sister had a good day.
Leni seemed to sense the turmoil raging within her brother. She squeezed his hand, gave him that beatific angelic smile and spoke up.
“Lincy, it’s okay. It’s really okay. That’s what you need to realize most. You totes haven’t done anything wrong.”
Lincoln looked a little surprised, it was like Leni was telepathic. Empathic really, but she seemed to read his turmoil all the same. He gave a weak smile in return. He heard what Leni was saying, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he fully believed it.
“Leni, I don’t know. I just, I’m not sure anymore, everything seems more confusing than ever.”
Leni responded in a confident, reassuring tone.
“Lincoln, Lincoln look at me. Look into my eyes.”
Leni had almost commanded Lincoln and he couldn’t help but bring his gaze up to her pretty green eyes. To meet them. He felt a warmth coming from his older sister, a lack of judgement. He found himself unable to look away.
“Lincy, you have always been nothing but the best brother your sisters could ask for. Like, totes the best. Even I know this. I know I’m not the smartest girl in the family…”
Lincoln felt pain hearing Leni put herself down like that. His mouth opened to say something, but Leni cut him off.
“No Lincoln, I know it. My head’s full of air. That’s the joke, right?” Leni gave a sad little smile, it hurt her to say it herself, but this was the time for truth. Sometimes, truths hurt, sometimes you needed to say those hurtful truths so healing could happen.
“But like, it’s not totally filled with air. I know what I’m good at, and I know what I know. I know you’ve always been what we needed you to be. And it’s like, almost not fair to you.”
Lincoln squeezed Leni’s hand in return, giving her a comforting smile, an apologetic one as he spoke up.
“Leni, I don’t have any complaints. All of you have been the best sisters I could ever want. You were all everything I wanted you to be as well.”
Leni smiled back, a genuine and happy one, before she responded.
“And I’m glad we were for you Lincy. Because despite it all, we made you be what we needed. Whether it was a model, a helper, a cheerleader, a coach, an audience, a playmate, a best friend…and even a boyfriend.”
Lincoln looked up, his eyes wide, his expression shocked.
“You were always practice for boys when it came to all of us. All of us Lincy, even Luna.”
Lincoln still looked stunned.
Leni tilted her head as she rested her cheek on her knuckles. She slowly entwined her fingers with Lincoln’s own.
“Lincoln, you’ve been looking at my body, right?”
There was no accusation, no scorn in her voice. It was an honest question. Lincoln wanted to deny it, he wanted to make some kind of excuse to the contrary, but in the face of Leni he couldn’t lie.
He sighed and nodded, “Yes. I have been.”
Leni smiled and squeezed his hand, “Good!” she said cheerily, making Lincoln look on bewildered.
“Lincy, I didn’t dress like this for no reason. I wanted to look cute for you, I wanted you to notice me. Lincoln, if I wanted you to look at me like that, why do you feel guilty?”
Lincoln felt his heart beat a little faster. He knew why he felt guilty. It was the same reason he still had the nagging feeling of uncertainty in the back of his head when he was with Lucy.
“Leni, because…because…” He was having so much trouble putting it into words.
“Because I’m your sister, that’s it right?” Leni offered simply enough.
Lincoln hung his head in front of her and sighed, “Yes. Yes! That’s exactly it. You’re beautiful Leni, stunning, and you’re the sweetest girl on the planet, your fun and thoughtful, and you make me laugh and smile so much. But you’re my big sister and, society, our parents, our other sisters, I just can’t help but worry about it all!”
Leni didn’t react in any negative way, she didn’t make any demands on him, she didn’t tell him he was right or wrong. She just listened and held his hand. Her next statement shocked him.
“Lincoln, we wanted you to think we were pretty. All of us. We wanted your attention, and we all still do. Like, we all have our lives, we all love each other, we totes have our dreams and ambitions…but Lincy, some of us want nothing more than to have you all to ourselves, and that’s where we’re being selfish.”
Lincoln didn’t want to believe that, he couldn’t believe that. His sisters selfish? Okay, yes Lola could be at times, and Lucy a little too, but selfish in the ways they wanted his attention?! He refused. Family was supposed to be there for each other. He had a duty to be there for all his sisters.
“No, no that’s not true. You’re not selfish! None of you are selfish, you’ve all given me so much love! I have the best sisters in the world. Do you know how lucky I feel because of all of you?! My wonderful, beautiful, talented and amazing sisters? I’m at my happiest when I’m with all of you. I feel the most whole when we’re all together. You’re all just so amazing, and I just hope I can be there for you, all of you in any way I can.”
Lincoln swallowed, holding back his emotions as he released his hearts contents when it came to the ten magnificent girls who made his life complete. He went on, doing his best not to choke up.
“And…I just hope, you’ll all still want your dorky brother in your lives, always. That’s my worst fear in the world, being without all of you.”
Leni smiled at Lincoln so sweetly, so brightly it hurt. She squeezed his hand again.
“I love you so much Lincy. So much it hurts me sometimes. But like, I totes know your heart. Lincoln, you me and Lily, our hearts are the same.”
Lincoln stared back, a questioning look on his features as he regarded Leni. This conversation was revealing things, long suppressed and buried things he hadn’t wanted to face as an adult.
“We care about others and their opinions, opinions of us way more than we should. We want to make other people happy. I love fashion, but I love it because I like making people look good. I like seeing how people come alive when the right clothes make them more confident. I like serving people and solving their problems, it was my favorite part of working at Renigers. Seeing people smile, and knowing I had a hand in it…It’s wonderful Lincy, it’s my favorite thing in the world. Just like it’s your favorite thing, just like it’s Lily’s favorite thing. But our most favoritest thing, is each other.”
Lincoln knew everything Leni just said was truth. Absolutely true, it was like these last few months were leading to this revelation. It was so blunt, so easy to see, so in his face. Of course he loved his sisters, everyone who knew Lincoln Loud knew he loved his sisters.
But he had taken that knowledge for granted, he had let it almost seemingly slip to the side. In his eagerness to start a life on his own. In his eagerness to find a girl that would give him the time of day. In his self-pity and his darkest thoughts, when he had considered taking his own life.
He had forgotten the simple joy and love of his family. They needed him, but he needed them too. When he was so worried he was a loser, he completely forgot the most important opinion, was of the people that loved him.
And none of the people who loved him thought he was a loser.
From his sisters to his parents, to Clyde, to Ronnie Anne. They all loved him, they all thought Lincoln Loud was anything but a loser.
Why had it taken him so long to realize that?
But most of all, in this moment, he finally realized just how much his sisters thought the world of him. From the oldest to the youngest, he was a Rockstar in their eyes.
He knew now, in a humble way, he had never disappointed them. He had never let any of them down. Just as they had never let him down.
But all of this was leading to where that love in his heart was beginning to be blurred. Where it was stepping past what he was supposed to feel.
Where it had already stepped far past the line with two of his sisters. Into the realm of passionate, romantic love.
Of the big sister who protected him, taught him so many things. Rough housed with him, teased him, challenged him to always go further and showed a vulnerable side she dared never show anyone else.
Of a younger sister who was so deep, so emotional you could get lost in her. One who was quiet, and yet had a love that was so fierce and loud it drowned out any other noise he could hear. So sensual, she haunted his waking thoughts almost constantly.
“Lincoln, your sisters love you, and some of us, whether like, on purpose or not, we helped you look at us in a different way. We made you look at us as not just your sisters, but as women. We totes made you the way you are. You were always a sweet boy, with the biggest heart, a heart so big, it opened up to love us in every way we wanted.”
Lincoln looked on with such naked acceptance. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but it made so much sense. He understood it in his soul. It didn’t absolve his guilt, it didn’t make anything right, but it answered questions he had, it gave the necessary answers to what he’d been wondering in his heart.
But he knew he couldn’t put everything on his sisters. Leni was trying to do that, but he knew the old saying, it took two to tango. He wasn’t some innocent victim. He may have been led down the garden path, but he was the one that decided to take those final steps.
He closed his eyes and breathed out.
“I like it Leni.”
It was an admission, a guilty dirty secret he could finally tell someone else.
“I like it, I like the way it feels, being wanted that much by the people who mean everything to me. I like how beautiful you are, I like knowing I can love you back in that way. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s dirty, but I love it. I like getting to express how much I love you, even deeper than anyone else. It’s selfish Leni, because I like getting to have my sisters all to myself, and never having to share them.”
Lincoln closed his eyes, and he hung his head. He brought his free hand up to his face covering it in shame.
Leni’s voice was soft, sympathetic, and maybe even…. coquettish…
“Is it really selfish if they want the same thing Lincoln? If they fantasize about it too?”
Lincoln swallowed. But now it was because of an entirely different set of emotions he was trying to hold back. His mind flashed images, images he couldn’t control, his imagination, his desires.
He’d been with Lynn, he’d been with Lucy. He had loved the taste of their flesh. He had reveled in the intimate moments with them. Not once did any feeling of disgust rear its head in those feelings. Only desire, only the feelings of being with them in ways he wasn’t supposed to.
He had unleashed his darkest, most perverse side with Lucy, and he knew it was only the tip of the iceberg. He had put a collar on Lucy, and the thrill, the power, the sexual dominance it had awakened in him scared him.
He wanted to do the same to Lynn.
And right now, he could only imagine Leni, on her knees before him, looking up with her big beautiful green eyes, and her perfect lips, her devoted loving form ready to serve him. It sickened and thrilled him.
“Leni…I, I don’t know, I’m not sure if I can answer that.” He replied, guilt coiling in his stomach.
But Leni never stopped giving her comforting smile, that aura of warmth and welcomeness, of safety with her.
“Lincoln, it’s okay. You need to talk about these things, I can see how much it’s hurting you, and I’m your big sister. It’s my job to be here for you.”
Lincoln groaned softly, his head down, he couldn’t look into the angel’s eyes, he just couldn’t. It was too much. The beauty in them, the mercy, the love, it burned him when he thought of the wickedness he had imagined for her.
“I’ve been having sex with Lucy.”
It just came out of his lips unbidden, the admission.
He was sullen, feeling pathetic admitting this to Leni, and yet it felt like a tremendous weight was being lifted from him. Like he was finally able to breathe. He hadn’t had anyone to talk to about this. Not a single person except for Lucy herself, and now finally he could say it. He finally let his hand slip away from his eyes. He finally looked back at the angel, and her expression hadn’t changed.
She didn’t show any sign of disgust, she didn’t show any sign of judgement. She didn’t even seem Jealous. She was being comforting. She nodded her head.
“I was pretty sure something like that was going on. I could see it, in the pictures of you two recently. The way she smiles at you now, the way you smile back at her. You’ve been loving each other in that special way you were just talking about.”
Lincoln breathed out heavily once more and nodded his head.
“Yes, and I love it, and when I’m with Lucy, she makes me think everything is perfect and nothing bad can happen between us. She’s so devoted and sweet, she’s fun and cute and it’s like I can’t get enough of her anymore. When I’m sad she makes me happy, when I’m worried, she makes me calm. She’s everything a girlfriend is supposed to be, and more.”
Leni listened, smiling, nodding her head as Lincoln confessed his sins.
“But what about when you’re not with her Lincy?”
Lincoln frowned, he frowned so heavily as his heart felt more turmoil, as guilt started to consume him again. As he hated the negative feelings that came up when he had to admit his little sister’s faults.
“When I’m not with her, I miss her. I really do. I think about how much I love cuddling with her, holding her in my arms…how much I enjoy being intimate with her…but…”
Lincoln trailed off, he hesitated. He wanted to bite his tongue, he wanted to make excuses, but under the gaze of Leni, with the angel of divine acceptance in front of him, he could do nothing but unburden his soul.
“But I also realize she’s selfish, she’s controlling, she’s manipulative. I worry if we’ve destroyed our relationship as siblings. If I’m trapped loving her now because if I don’t she’ll fall apart or never speak to me again.”
Leni closed her eyes as if she was in thought. Some would think it was ironic for the girl, but she was clearly choosing her words carefully. She was thinking of the best way to phrase what she said next.
“What it sounds like to me, Lincoln, is that she’s a typical immature 16-year-old girl who totes idolizes and romanticizes your relationship to the extreme degree only a teenager can. She probably thinks she has everything figured out, and panics when things don’t go the way she thought they were supposed to.”
Lincoln was…again floored by the insight Leni was providing and giving him. He put his hand to his forehead as he took all this in. He was only three years older than Lucy, but those three years meant so much. He wasn’t in High School anymore, he was even considered a legal adult. Yes, he was at a shitty baby community college, but it was still college!
Lucy was still in High School, she was still a minor. Even as mature as she was for her age, she was still limited in her world view.
Leni reached forward with her free hand and booped his nose playfully while he was lost in thought.
“You’re still a teenager too Lincy.”
Lincoln looked up with confusion, brow furrowed.
“Leni, I’m 19.”
Leni only grinned as she leaned closer, “Yup, teen Lincy! You’re almost 20 but not quite! You can’t even drink legally! But even with her immaturity, and your immaturity…it doesn’t mean your love isn’t real.”
Lincoln felt like he was speaking to some wise spiritual teacher more than his big sister. Or rather, he was appreciating the areas that Leni was truly gifted in.
“What am I supposed to do Leni!? What if, what if I think it won’t work out?! She’s our sister?! How can I abandon her now?!”
Leni frowned, her lips came up under her pert, cute little nose and she regarded her little brother with a very serious expression.
“Love held hostage, is not real love Lincoln. You can’t stay with her if you’re only doing it out of a sense of guilt. That’s not love Lincy. That’s not fair to you, and it’s really not fair to her.”
Lincoln looked up, somehow, he was less confused, but he was more confused. Or rather, Leni had helped him push past his general confusion, and reach the real questions he was going to have to answer for himself.
“Leni, how come none of this bothers you? I thought you’d be sad, or jealous or something. Gah, I hate even saying that! It makes it sound like I want you to fight over me or something and that’s not what I want!”
Leni laughed softly and only grinned back at him.
“I know Lincy, I know what you really mean. I’m not jealous and I’m not sad, I’m happy for Lucy in some ways. Her and I and Lynn, we’ve always been the ones most honest with our feelings for you. I love them, so why wouldn’t I be happy if one of them got to be with you?”
Lincoln almost felt like he should bring up Lynn, but he wasn’t quite ready to unburden himself that much just yet. He was quickly beginning to run out of stamina for this revelation session and wanted to keep things as compartmentalized as he could. It was just, so much to think about, and yet he knew he would need to talk even more to Leni about all of this.
Leni noticed Lincoln’s questioning look and went on.
“Lincoln, I never wanted you all to myself. I wanted you all to OUR selves.”
Lincoln was quiet, he looked back, taking in what Leni had just said. He was trying to really take in Leni’s words. When he spoke again, it was with such nervous energy.
“You mean you…you want me, and you, and Lucy, and Lynn?”
Leni laughed and nodded her head grinning brightly.
“Yes silly! Why wouldn’t I? I could never be so selfish as to want you all to myself when I know our other sisters want you too Lincoln. It wouldn’t be right for me! I could never do that…and so…and so…”
Leni gently pulled her hand from Lincoln, and folded her arms under her chest, putting her chin up, eyes closed as she spoke in a resolute tone.
“If you want me, I’m a package deal Lincy! You can’t deny any of your other sisters!”
Lincoln was absolutely dumb founded. He stared back at Leni in complete disbelief. He slowly slid down forward against the table, his elbow still straight on it, hand held up above his head, grasping at nothing. This was getting fucking ridiculous, he didn’t know how much more he could take right now.
“Leni, Leni! Stop! It’s too much! I can’t even….I don’t know anything right now!”
He’d come to the guru for answers to his questions, and now he was left with even more questions. They hadn’t even talked about his feelings for Ronnie Anne either, but he just couldn’t handle anymore, his brain wanted to shut off. He wanted to lose himself in something, anything to just, let this all settle, process it and deal with it after it stopped hitting home and making him question his sanity.
Leni seemed to notice, she giggled watching him and reached forward taking his hand again, pulling it over to her and squeezing it.
“Lincy! Lincy! It’s okay, we’re done for now! Don’t explode on me!” She continued to giggle softly, as she ran her thumb soothingly over the top of his palm, “It’s okay, we can talk more later. You’ve totes had enough for now! I just have one thing I wanna ask you. Just one thing for your big sister.”
Lincoln sighed, looked up from where his head was still resting on the table, his eyes drawn to the angelic smile on the platinum blonde’s lips.
“Anything for you Leni, you know that.”
Leni grinned excitedly, and then suddenly her smile turned completely bashful. Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. She looked away so shyly and, in this moment, Lincoln found her achingly beautiful. She spoke in such a soft tone.
“Will you treat me, like I was your girlfriend today? I know I said I don’t want to be selfish, but can I be, just this once Lincy? Will you really let me feel what it’s like, to be really loved by you?”
Lincoln swallowed, and his heart pounded. He had already planned to make sure Leni enjoyed herself.
But right now? Right now she was the only girl that existed in the entire world to him.
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The Shadow of his Heart