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The Shadow of his Heart	By : Catspeaker Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 12698 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Lincoln Loud stared up at his ceiling in the middle of the night. He had fallen asleep only a few hours ago, wrapped in the warm embrace of his baby sister Lily. The 9 year old was still asleep next to him, her arms around his torso as if she were protecting him from any sort of harm that could come his way. He'd thought it would have been difficult to fall asleep, but he'd been so emotionally drained and Lily had made him feel so comfortable, that despite how upset he was, he'd managed to doze off shortly after they'd retired to his room.
Of course, that emotional pain was what had made his sleep troubled and most likely the reason he was awake now. Now he had nothing to do but stare up at the ceiling and contemplate what had happened, and the horrible truth he'd finally come to realize.
Just how truly pathetic he was.
He was a loser, a coward, and a doormat. Most likely he would forever be a loser, forever be a coward, and forever be someone incapable of ever achieving anything noteworthy in his life.
It was something he'd known for years. He could even specifically point to the exact day when he realized his life was going to be nothing special, and he would never amount to much of anything.
Christmas, three years ago. The day Ronnie Anne forever slipped from his grasp.
But even in that time, while he knew he was always going to be an also-ran, a runner up, and no one special, he at least thought he'd be able to eke out some sort of average existence. Achieve some minor form of happiness and contentment.
But today had brought home that he wasn't even worth that. Today had been a stark reminder that he didn't deserve anything good, and all his efforts would fail him. Today was the delivery of truth on what a worthless person he was.
The day had started off on a particularly good note for Lincoln, that was the funny part.
He'd gotten up after a full night’s sleep, made it to the shower before anyone else, and had cooked up his sisters breakfast like he normally did before they’d headed off to school.
It was Friday, and that meant the last day of his tri-weekly classes and work at Dad's place Saturday.
His classes ran three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, scheduled in a block that ran from 1000am to 0240 pm. He pulled three shifts a week working as a waiter at his Dad’s restaurant, and during all of that time, ran his sisters around to their various activities as needed on a day by day basis.
But the day typically started with him making breakfast for them.
Cooking was something he enjoyed doing for his family. It turned out the same talent that his father had in the kitchen, managed to rub off on him, and he was now the secondary defacto cook in the house. Which was good for the family, because while his mother was at least passable, her dishes had paled in comparison to their Dad’s, and now even ran a distant third compared to his own.
As for Dad? Well now that he ran his own restaurant full time he cooked a lot less for his family than he used to. Of course they could show up at the restaurant anytime they wanted, eat for free, and choose anything on the menu, there were perks to your father owning a restaurant after all. But, it was a little inconvenient to try and do so every day. So cooking duties had largely fallen to Lincoln, and he really didn’t have any complaints about it.
There was something about seeing the joy it brought his family that made it so fulfilling for him. He didn’t cook every meal, but if he was home at the time, he made sure he did so. His family's thanks and genuine appreciation for him doing so warmed his heart. However, it was Dad’s compliments that were the best.
While Lynn Sr loved to cook he’d told Lincoln a number of times how nice it was to have someone cook for him for a change, and the fact the food was so great made it all the better.
Dad being a professional chef and complimenting his abilities like that filled Lincoln with a sense of pride he rarely felt anymore.
As for Mom, now that she had found success with her thriller novels, she was either buried in her office with her nose to the keyboard, or out traveling promoting her books and giving talks. Lincoln freeing her up from those cooking duties allowed her to focus more on her art, and Rita had always made sure Lincoln understood how grateful she was to him for it.
That morning he’d whipped up his sister’s usual favorites. Sunny Side eggs and toast for Lucy (she had been on some weird, eating as if she were a Victorian widow kick lately), a kale smoothie and vegetarian bacon for Lola; bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast for Lana, oatmeal topped with fruit for Lisa, and a stack of pancakes with a smiley face for little Lily. He didn’t need to worry about Dad, Lynn Sr often skipped breakfast these days to get a little extra sleep. Mom was in another state right now, so he didn't need to worry about her either.
After breakfast, his sisters slowly filtered out to head to school like they usually did.
Lucy, Lola and Lana off to Highschool, then 30 minutes later Lisa off to middle school leaving little Lily last.
Lincoln would often drive Lily to school since it lined up so well with when his classes started, and because he honestly enjoyed doing it so much. Lily ever a ray of sunshine adored it when she got to ride up with her big brother in his gently used red SUV, she'd told him it made her feel 'cool', and any extra time she could spend nerding out with her big bro was something she would never pass on.
In Lily, Lincoln had finally found the sibling who shared his interests and passions. He just had needed to wait for her to get old enough to articulate and share those things with him. Lincoln had largely decided it had been worth it.
First was her love videogames. Lily had her own gamestation and game collection, and even at 9 knew exactly what she liked and what she wanted to play next. Lincoln thought that interest probably had to be thanks to him. As he’d babysat her more and more over the years it was often just so easy to plop her down in his lap and let her watch the bright colors and dynamic visuals on the screen. Soon enough she was asking to play, and he was teaching her how to handle Muscle Fish, Fight Master, and Legacy of Heroes.
Next were the movies. Lincoln would put on what ever the newest blockbuster superhero, sci-fi or fantasy movie was so often, and she'd sit right next to him wide eyed and curious. This led to her begging him and Clyde to take her with them when they went to see them.
Lincoln wasn’t the type of brother who was too cool to let his little sister hang out with him and his best friend, and happily obliged her. Her questions about the intricacies of the various lore involving these dorky pursuits and the wide-eyed amazement she’d show when Clyde or He would let her in on the details was one of his favorite things.
Lincoln, (and by proxy his best friend Clyde) was cool to his little sister.
And well Lincoln, Lincoln often didn’t feel cool to really anyone.
It didn’t help the rest of his family DID consider him to be a dork. They meant it in an affectionate manner, but none of them had really shared the same passions or interests he had until Lily had come along. They teased him about being their lovable dorky brother, but well suffice to say none of the rest of his sisters ever thought he was cool.
Well, except for maybe Lucy.
Lucy had never teased Lincoln about the things he liked. She'd never articulated his interests or pursuits were unworthy of the attention and detail he gave them. If anything she seemed to show him a strange sort of respect for the devotion he put into his hobbies.
When he really thought about it, it was probably because she was the most like him when it came to interests next to Lily.
While not the same as his, her interests were similar in respect and almost adjacent to his own in the greater scheme of things. Loving vampires, horror movies, the occult, and having a general obsession with death and decay marked you as different as loving needlessly complex lore involving Superheroes, the dramatic moral quandaries of Space heroes facing galactic problems, or trying to determine how one corrupt artifact had changed the course of a fantasy world's history.
Lucy and Lincoln had even begun to share a few interests as they got older, overlapping things that appealed to both of them, and drew them a little closer into each other’s spheres. Vampires of Melancholia, Lucy's favorite show about yearning love among the undead had gotten a more action orientated spin-off meant to attract the male demographic. The story of an angst filled sorcerer with his on again, off again vampire girlfriend fighting demons and ghosts had sounded awesome to Lincoln and hooked him right away. And of course, anything related to VOM meant Lucy had to watch it too.
Lucy had seemed to take a keen joy in seeing Lincoln get involved in something she loved, and then being Lincoln and being the curious dork that he was, wanting to know more about the backstories of every character there was and their motivations for the things they did. Lucy had gleefully informed him so happy to share this with her older brother, and now he was watching the regular Vampires of Melancholia show with her too.
That had opened a further avenue of sharing things with each other. Lincoln had taken his knowledge and their shared interests and used them to introduce her to some comics he thought she’d like. The high concept, more mature label ‘Acrophobia’ had been the clear choice, and it’s Eisner award winning series “Dream Master” had been the first comic Lucy had fallen in love with and it was all thanks to him.
Lucy had adored Dream Master, and now owned the complete collection in graphic novel form. She was never going to be the comic nerd Lincoln was, but there were a few titles she liked to keep up with, and the occasional mini-series she enjoyed. She even ventured into the more main-stream superhero fare now and then if something caught her eye. Mostly short mini-series in the “Parallels” line that took the typical mainstream Heroes and re-imagined them in different settings or with dramatically different circumstances. Like the Victorian era Ace Savvy Parallels mini-series? Oh, she’d eaten that right up.
Overall, Lincoln had been happy to have more things to share with Lucy, and Lucy had seemed overjoyed to share more things with him. It was enough he had someone else in the House he could occasionally hang out with.
But Lily? Well Lily was his little sidekick. He was just thankful she was a girl. Girl dorks had it easier than guy dorks did, well outside of the insecure neckbeards who felt threatened to have a girl show up in their space, but those guys were rare. No, girl dorks were seen as cute, and adorable, and had their pick from legions of guys who would fall all over themselves for a girl into cosplay and comic books, and who loved videogames. Lily was still a little young to have to face those hordes of boys desperate for her hand, but he already knew the day was soon coming.
He’d dropped off his littlest sister at school, pounding her fist and blowing it back in the ‘secret’ handshake the two shared and told her to have a good day.
From there it was off to class at the Royal Woods community college to take in the slog of basic studies every college student was forced to take their first two years. Lincoln had thought it was a big waste of time. It was mostly a review of everything he’d learned in Highschool, and honestly he was smart enough he could sleep through his classes and still ace his exams.
Not that he did, he liked to participate and engage in class discussion. His professors were thankful for it since so few of the other students ever bothered or cared to. While most people at the community college level were just trying to get through to get their two-year degree or were just trying to save money before they finished at a proper 4 year university, there were always a few would be philosophers and scholars who liked to engage with Lincoln as well.
And really, he should have made friends that way, and in fact he had in a sense. Several of his classmates were now friends on his social media, but well, that was the problem with a community college. Nobody lived on campus, there were no dorms to hang out in after class, and most of them were like him. Living at home and therefore with responsibilities such as families and jobs such as he did.
So there were very few invites that happened to hang out. Leaving Lincoln to largely hang out with, well, his younger sisters. Since leaving High School and going to community college and no longer seeing his best friend on the regular anymore Lincoln had actually felt like he'd regressed to some degree.
It seemed as if he had even less of a life now as a legal adult, then he ever had as a kid. It was one of the many things that didn't sit well with him. Other people his age were going to parties, having road trips, living a wild dorm life, or even doing something crazy like enlisting in the military or volunteering somewhere around the world.
Instead he was the guy that made home cooked meals for his family, and whose current closest friends were an excitable 9 year old and a gloomy 16 year old, while he worked at the same job he'd started officially back when he was 16.
It wasn’t all bad though. He had Melanie.
Melanie was his girlfriend, and to Lincoln Loud, was the damn finest, smartest, and sexiest girl he’d ever been with.
Melanie was sophisticated, stylish, knew what she wanted and never took no for an answer. She was far cooler than he was. So cool she really had no right to be dating a nerd like him. But for some reason she'd decided to grace him with her presence, and even date him, despite how lame he was by comparison. But Lincoln thought that was just one more trait that made her so awesome.
She was also hot. Half Chinese, half Caucasian, her Asiatic features had won over genetically giving her a set of beautiful brown almond shaped eyes, and straight black hair that shined magnificently when struck by the sunlight. With long legs and thick hips on top of it all, it didn’t take much from her to make Lincoln absolutely drool.
He’d met her at the restaurant 8 months ago. Her father had become one of the new primary suppliers for his father’s business. She’d been tagging along with her dad one day, her father had wanted her to see some of the negotiation that went into his farm to table supply business.
She was clearly bored and saw him hanging out and decided to talk to him. She’d admitted it was his stark white hair that had caught her eye, but when she learned he was the owner’s son she seemed even more interested. A conversation later and she also learned he was the son of Rita Loud, the popular thriller novelist. They’d laughed together about her not realizing that Lynn Loud the successful restaurant entrepreneur and chef, was married to Rita Loud, the successful writer.
From there they’d exchanged social media information and had started talking. When they learned both of them were going to the same community college it only felt natural they should spend more time together.
She’d decided she wanted to stay closer to home rather than run off to a 4-year university sharing with him she wasn't ready to be a little fish in a big pond, but wanted to be a big fish in a little pond as long as possible. She was an only child much like his best friend Clyde and Lincoln had taken that information as some strange sign they were meant to be. Of course, he'd quickly learned unlike Clyde, being an only child she had been a little spoiled, and was used to getting her way, but Lincoln found it endearing.
She was smart too. Very smart and could talk about politics and world issues all day. She was involved in social activism and had even made him more aware of his “hetero-normative white privilege”. Yes, his best friend was Black and raised by two gay dads, his sister Luna was bisexual and engaged to a woman, his eldest sister Lori was married to a Hispanic man and through them he was the Uncle of two mixed race children, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have to check his privilege, and Melanie had been there to remind him to be socially conscious about it daily.
And while she didn’t really care for any of his hobbies, and teased him about how childish they were, he knew she was just trying to prepare him for being a real adult in the greater world.
She also fucked like a demon.
Lincoln had been sexually active somewhat with other girlfriends over the years. Melanie wasn’t even his first. That privilege belonged to a girl by the name of Ronnie Anne, back when he was 15, the last real time Ronnie and him had been truly together. But they had been stumbling teenagers, exploring one another and learning what it was like to love someone physically, new to the experience and clumsy at it.
But the sex with Melanie was a far cry from what him and Ronnie Anne had done together. It wasn't a 15 year old inexperienced sweet girl asking him to go slow, and take his time.
It was a 19 year old girl who clearly had experience with multiple partners before him and knew exactly what the hell she was doing.
Nothing had prepared him for Melanie.
She radiated sexual energy when she wanted to. She had shown him things no other girl had before. She had blown his mind those first few times the two of them had been together, and he was just happy she’d said he was a ‘quick study’ and he seemed to satisfy her as well. But now that girl, no that woman, she could crook her finger at him, and Lincoln would come running.
If there was one bright spot that shone above everything else in Lincoln’s life, it was he had an awesome fucking girlfriend.
So even if he didn’t get to hang out with his best friend nearly as much as he wanted to, and even if he wasn’t living the dream of being at State University with that best friend, even if the only people he could regularly hang out with were his younger sisters, he had Melanie.
Compared to that, there were few things that could keep him down. He even had plans to meet her at a House party later that evening. It was mainly with her friends and a bunch of people he didn’t know, but she would be there and that’s all that mattered.
The rest of his day just seemed to fly by. His classes didn’t slow him down one bit, and he took the notes he needed, knew he was prepared for his upcoming exams, and was already ahead on the short papers he needed for the other classes.
When classes were over, he’d gotten back just in time to swing around and pick Lily up from school. That always made her day by double when he could do that. When her big brother took her to school AND picked her up from it, well she felt like double the cool celebrity then.
She’d spent the short ride back talking excitedly about what she’d learned that day, the highlight apparently about the Aztecs. She seemed really interested in the Human Sacrifice parts and went into detail about the religious reasons they did so. She'd even told him she’d looked up more on the internet during free hour and how the ziggurats the Aztecs built had grooves carved in them for the blood to run down.
She described all of this with absolute glee, making special effect sounds and acting out the sacrifice scenes she imagined right there in his SUV as they drove home together.
Geez, maybe Lucy was starting to rub off on her now.
Getting home with Lily, the rest of his sisters were already there, wrapped up in their homework, talking to their friends, or busy decompressing after 7 hours of public school. Lincoln fixed himself and Lily a little snack, and then decided to enjoy some free time of his own before his big event tonight.
Hitting up his social media, the first thing to do was to check on the Clydster.
If Lincoln could say that he really loved someone outside of his family, even more than his girlfriend, it was his brother from another mother (or two Fathers in this case) Clyde McBride. His constant companion and best friend since childhood the two had done so much and shared so much together and had been inseparable until the day Clyde had packed up his things and taken off for State university over an hour away.
There had been a time when Clyde and he had been the same height and the same build. When both of them had been skinny short kids making their way in a world that at times seemed too big for them. But that had been when they were children, and children grow up.
Lincoln had turned out to be pretty tall in the end, but he had absolutely nothing on Clyde.
Puberty didn’t hit Clyde like a truck, it had hit him like a freight train. It was like a switch was hit when he turned 13 and he just continued to grow, get bigger, and get taller. By the time they graduated, Clyde was 6’4 and had a 100lbs of muscle on Lincoln. His once high-pitched worried voice had turned into a deep baritone.
But despite this, despite looking like he could go play linebacker for the Detroit Lions anytime he wanted, Clyde had changed very little on the inside. He was still the sweet worrying nerd with overprotective parents that had given a minor hypochondriac complex growing up. While he was no longer near the ocd worry wart he'd been as a child, he'd been ingrained with a sense of always being prepared for any eventuality.
That had meant while Lincoln had been the planner in the relationship, Clyde had been the preparer. Lincoln looked forward and strategized around incoming issues he saw while Clyde had a backup for every possible emergency. This had actually led Clyde to being seen as one of the most considerate people among those who knew him.
Your hands were dirty? Well of course, Clyde had some hand wipes on him. Oh, your sinuses were bothering you? Luckily Clyde kept allergy and sinus medicine in his car. Your hands and elbows are looking a little ashy bro, here’s some moisturizing lotion his Dads made, better than anything you could buy on the market.
And he was an absolute dork, just like Lincoln, that had never changed between the two of them. They’d gone to conventions, cosplayed, the premiere of every new superhero movie, and whiled away countless hours playing videogames together.
Clyde also had a great girlfriend, one that Lincoln enjoyed being around as well. It had just been a little bit of surprise to Lincoln and Clyde both when it had happened. Clyde was dating Lucy’s best friend, a girl by the name of Haiku.
It was enough to say what Clyde was to Lincoln, Haiku was to Lucy. His sister’s best friend who seemed to enjoy every little morbid, dark, and ephemeral thing Lucy did. Clyde and Haiku had really started to hang out together thanks to the number of times both spent time at the Loud House. She’d taken an interest in the boy, and Clyde had taken an interest in her. It had taken some cajoling from Lincoln to get Clyde to ask Haiku out though. Once he knew Haiku liked Clyde, thanks to his sister telling him, Lincoln had pushed and pulled and excitedly pressured Clyde to just do it.
That had been two years ago, and they were both still going strong. Even if things were a little, ‘scandalous’ as Haiku liked to tease him, with her being in High School still and him having just started college.
Clyde was his boy, and his boy being happy made Lincoln happy.
Flicking onto Clyde’s home page Lincoln was immediately assaulted with nostalgia and warm feelings as he saw the ‘Memory’ that Clyde had decided to share today.
The caption read simply enough, “These two Heroes are for Hire!” It was a picture from a year ago when they’d gone to Motor City comic-con together and had cosplayed as The martial arts master Iron Punch, and his best friend and fellow hero, the super strong and tough John Free.
Standing back-to-back, their arms folded, with Clyde’s tall stature and muscles, and his own thinner but trim form. In their comic accurate costumes, they really looked like they had just stepped out of the pages together. They’d gotten more compliments on those outfits than any other, and people had kept stopping them the whole con asking to take pictures with them.
Man, he missed his bro.
They’d originally made plans to hit up Youma-con in a few weeks together too, it’d be the first real weekend they’d get to spend together since going to separate colleges. But, sadly, Lincoln had had to cancel. Melanie needed his help to plan a party she had that weekend, and well, he had to do the responsible thing as her boyfriend, he had to put her first. Clyde had been sad, but had understood, he said he’d have fun with Haiku there anyway, and maybe they could pull off a couple’s costume now.
He hearted the picture and posted a comment on the memory, “Yeah they’re pretty cool, but my favorite duo has always been Clincoln Mcloud.” typing up the strange amalgam of their names they used to describe their friendship. Clyde was in classes now, so he’d have to catch up with him later.
Next was checking the group chat he and his 10 sisters shared together, the one his sister Luan had playfully named “The Loud House”. It was enough to say, that even though 5 of his Sisters now lived elsewhere, all of the siblings were very close to one another, and thanks to the wonders of technology they could still talk and share things with each other daily. Those out of the home now lived their own separate life, but were never out of reach, and were always leaving messages or chatting about something in the group.
Lori had sent the last message, a picture from her home in Great Lakes City. In it, Lincoln’s young niece and nephew Marco and Lina were grinning and waving, while Lori was hugging them both from behind. It amazed Lincoln just how much Lori looked like their mother now when she was younger. Lori had gotten her degree in Law, but it really seemed like she enjoyed being a mother much more than she did a Lawyer. The blonde-haired blue-eyed woman at 25 couldn’t seem happier, and the fact she was pregnant with her third now really did make Lincoln think she was dead set on having 11 just like their mother.
She’d texted underneath the image, “Marco and Lina literally miss their Aunts and Uncle like crazy you guys. Bobby and I are thinking of coming up there to visit soon, love you all!”
Lincoln had quickly texted back, “Aww! They look so cute! Tell them their Uncle Linky can’t wait to see them again!”
He was surprised to see his sister Lynn was the next one to message back almost right away, “Marco and Lina in the house! Damn Lori, you smuggling a Basketball in your shirt right now?! That’s awesome if you’re coming up! Just let me know when and I’ll make sure to head home that weekend too!” Lynn was the only one of his elder sisters still in the state, she’d gotten a full ride scholarship to U of M for the basketball team and was studying to be a Sport’s Psychologist.
Some more pleasantries and excitement were shared among the chat, along with regrets and sadness from his other sisters unable to make that kind of trip, and the cuteness overload had reached critical mass when Lily posted a picture of herself waving back at the picture of Marco and Lina, proudly proclaiming she loved them and couldn’t wait to see them.
The conversation naturally died down, and Lincoln had gone on to check a few other posts, play some videogames, sketch on his tablet, and eventually make dinner for his sisters.
It was around 7pm when he was ready to hit the house party and meet up with Melanie there when his Dad texted him with an emergency. He’d forgotten to deposit the money take in from last night’s sales and asked if Lincoln would be willing to do it.
It would be a simple favor, and only take a little of his time, so of course he agreed. He made sure to fire off a quick text to Melanie to let her know he’d be running late.
“Hey Babe, gotta run an errand for my Dad so I’ll be a little late. I’ll catch up with you at the party, love you!”
Melanie texted back a few minutes later.
“I’m a little annoyed you’re doing this when I specifically asked you to be here on time. But I know how important your family is. I’ll see you when you get here Handsome.”
He gave a little sigh as he read the reply, she always teased him about his family coming between them, but she’d called him handsome, he was really lucky to have her.
After putting on one of the shirts Melanie had made him buy over his Ace Savy T-shirt he told his sisters he was heading out and he'd see them all later. They'd given their collective farewells and Lincoln was back in SUV with the first stop being the Restaurant.
Dad had been operating 'Lynn's Table' for almost eight years now, and in that time it had expanded and become more successful than Lynn Sr had ever imagined it would be. He hadn't set out to run a 5 star restaurant, even though the reviews had all read the food was 5 star quality. It was good enough, he could have turned it into an exclusive high priced luxury diner, but that was the opposite of what Lynn had wanted.
Lynn had wanted his restaurant to be a family friendly place always, and that was what it had stayed as. He didn't serve alcohol, and while some of the meals were for more refined palettes, there was every variety of comfort food that tasted amazing too. His restaurant had been featured in the Royal Woods times constantly, and it was a permanent feature on the city website.
And his Dad couldn't be happier, even if it was a hard working, fast paced business. Lynn seemed to love the hustle and bustle that went in it. He'd told Lincoln that it might take awhile but it was never to late to achieve your dreams, he was proof of it.
Lincoln had pulled up, and headed inside, giving some waves to the other staff as he went, making his way to the business office and popping in his own office key to get access to the safe inside. As the son's owner, he was the only waiter who had access to the most secure parts of the restaurant, and it was for occasions just such as these.
Grabbing the sack of money inside, he'd popped into the Kitchen to say Hi to his Dad, give him a quick hug, and then head out the door again. With the money in hand, he'd driven out to the Royal Woods credit union, and accessed their nighttime secure drop off station to toss the money in. It was still early in the fall and the chill of autumn hadn't completely set in.
Finally, he was on his way to where he really wanted to go. He fired off a text to Melanie, 'On my way now babe' and took off. According to his GPS it was about 30 minutes away from where he was now. Throwing on some Smooch (he'd branched out his music tastes since being a child, now something of a snooty fan of Indie rock, but he'd always love his favorite childhood rock band) he settled in for the drive.
He really was looking forward to this. The last couple weeks him and Melanie hadn't been hanging out as much. They'd made plans a couple of times but she'd had to cancel on him as things had come up. She'd promised a friend she'd help them study, her mom needed help with something. Just little mundane things like that. He'd gotten some alone time a week ago, and jokingly complained he wasn't getting enough affection to refill his Melanie batteries. She'd rolled her eyes and told him not to complain, and that she'd make it up to him.
He was hoping tonight would be when she made it up to him. They did have sex the last time they were together, but Lincoln had actually wanted to spend some time well....cuddling. Cuddling, hugging her, and just spending time with her watching something, even if it was one of her shows about pretty people with petty problems that he found so mind-numbingly boring. He knew he wasn't going to know many people at this party, so he was hoping he could stick around her and she'd introduce him some.
Sometimes she forgot to tell people he was her boyfriend when they were around people he didn't know, but he figured that was no big deal. She'd been trying to teach him after all, he had no claim on her body or on ownership of her. Yes he was her boyfriend, but he needed to respect her autonomy and as an enlightened male understand he did not own her, and it was not her imperative to inform others of some Patriarchal claim of ownership.
Man, he really was lucky she was so understanding and patient with him.
Soon enough he'd reached the neighborhood in Fernvalley where the party was taking place. It was a two story upperclass wide brick home that's large porch supported marble columns that held the roof up. The driveway was circular and was already packed with cars, some of which were on the grass. Music could be heard coming from it and he could already see throngs of people his age milling about outside, chatting, dancing, drinking, or playing games.
He'd had to park down the street, but eventually his sneakers were hitting off the pavement as he made his way to the house. He'd checked to see if Melanie had texted him back yet. She hadn't even read his initial text.
He frowned, sent another one and continued walking. When he finally reached the house and the party going on, he just sort of stayed outside at first, looking around the crowd. Maybe she was somewhere around here. Taking a few minutes to get his bearings and making sure she wasn't outside he checked his phone again. Still no text back, still on 'delivered'. Well then he tried to call her, and of course it went straight to voicemail.
He decided to leave a playful message, “Hey Babe, just wandering around this giant party, wondering if you're anywhere around here. I'll keep looking, but I think you owe me for putting me through this kind of trouble. Love you.” He smirked and hung up and began to look around some more. Walking around the house he went from the front side, to the back where the party was still going around the pool.
The pool was closed for the year, but there were also a two cement fire pits built into the ground on either side of the pool. Both were currently aflame with people hanging out.
Nope, still no sign of anyone he knew, still no sign of Melanie.
At this point he was getting a little frustrated. Deciding to give up on his jitters and ask for some help, he looked for the first group of people that seemed the most approachable and came up. When he asked he got a slightly confused response, “Huh? Oh Mel? Yeah I think I saw her in the house early. Go check around there.”
So Lincoln had stepped in through the sliding glass doors into the houses living room where the music was strangely...quieter. The people inside were sitting on the furniture and floor, most of them on top of each other, holding red party cups filled with beer or liquor and making out with each other here and there.
He'd made his way to the Kitchen where at least someone had set out a bunch of snacks, and a few party subs to find some more folks he didn't know, but seemed nice enough, hanging out and chatting. After a pleasant and brief introduction, one of them told him he saw Melanie go upstairs with another group about an hour or so ago. She was probably still up there he said, as no one else in that group had really come down.
Lincoln had hoped he was coming to the end of this damn journey, he really wanted to eat some of that sub too. But after giving his thanks he'd made his way back into the living room area, and climbed the green carpeted stairs to the second floor.
There was more than one Hallway up here, and there was a lot of rooms. Some of the doors were open and the lights were on, many of them were closed with the lights off. Lincoln didn't need to guess what was going on in those rooms. With a little smirk he passed one of the open rooms where a group of about 5 girls were sitting around on a bed with beers in their hands giggling and chatting when he poked his head in.
“Uh, Hey there..” he gave a nervous smile, “I'm looking for Melanie, do any of you know her?”
A slightly chubby girl with black curly hair responded, “Oh yeah, Mel's in the room at the end of the Hall.”
Lincoln nodded his head, “Thanks a bunch!” and then headed out, finally ready to join his girlfriend in what he was guessing was one of these weird socials some people were having in the bedrooms.
As he reached the door at the end of the hall, he noticed it was closed, but light was streaming out from the bottom. Suddenly from behind him, he heard the same girl calling out to him.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait! She's in there with her boyfriend! She might not be decent! Knock first!” the girl called out.
Lincoln suddenly felt his heart sink in his chest.
Boyfriend? She was in there with her boyfriend? That couldn't be right. He was her boyfriend. He gave a nervous laugh in response as his hand, suddenly shaking more than he wanted it too reached up to take hold of the knob.
“Uh, that can't be the case because I'm her boyfriend.”
He said it with less certainty than he wanted to. He was terrified suddenly, and felt clammy. Already a cold sweat had formed on his forehead. His hand resting on the knob, afraid to open it, afraid of what he might see.
A small part of him told him he should go downstairs and wait. It would be better to not know. He needed to trust her right?
But the part that needed to be certain, needed to know more, won out. The entire internal debate had only taken a few seconds, but it had felt like an eternity to him. Turning the knob he found it unlocked and swung it open, chuckling as he began to speak, “Come on Mel, you really going to make me come all this way and----”
And that's when he saw the sight that had hit him so hard emotionally it knocked the wind right out of him. That's when he felt his walls closing in, and his anxiety suddenly spike up. Oh god, no, no, no, no, just repeated in his head over and over.
Melanie was in there alright. She was in bed, her top was off, and she was straddling another man. Some muscular looking guy with spiked black hair and earrings. His hands were on Melanie's hips, and Mel was throwing her head back, softly moaning in ecstasy as she rode him.
Lincoln stood there in shock.
He didn't know what to do. He didn't even know how he was supposed to react. It was as if all the feeling in his body had drained out of him. Part of him said he should just short the door. Part of him wanted to scream, and part of him wanted to rush muscle head and start punching him in the face.
Muscle head responded though before Lincoln could decide on anything.
He suddenly looked up from where his hands had been on Melanie's hips, and fixed Lincoln with a large glare, raising one hand up in his direction.
“Dude what the fuck! Don't just stand there! Close the fucking door Bro!”
Melanie began to giggle from where she was, astride muscle head, impaled on him. “Oh do we have a peeping tom?” She asked as she turned her head over her shoulder only to suddenly realize who she was looking at..
Her brown almond eyes suddenly went wide in shock and what Lincoln hoped was some guilt. “Oh my God, Lincoln! Lincoln I! I! Lincoln what..what--”
The guy she was riding looked up confused, “Wait a minute, you know this guy?”
Melanie looked back at him, “Well you see it's--”
Lincoln just shook his head, “You look busy” he stated in the most flat and emotionless tone he could remember ever doing.
He closed the door.
From there his body was on autopilot. He felt like a ghost as he walked numbly back down the hall, and pass the chubby girl with the black curly hair. She'd apparently seen everything and was wincing something hard, she gave Lincoln a sympathetic look and mouthed 'sorry' at him.
Lincoln gave her a thousand yard stare and continued on his way. His footsteps felt heavy, and his entire body felt weak. The clamminess and anxiety were at least gone. There was no uncertainty to worry about, what he had seen was pretty damn certain. In a way that was better than the anxiety he reasoned.
But now, now he strangely didn't feel anything. It was like his ability to feel emotion had been stolen from him. Like Melanie had stolen it from him just before he shut that door.
The party was still going on all around him as he left, and yet none of them knew what he'd just gone through. The people around him laughed, danced, made jokes, kissed one another, and celebrated their youth.
He was just the lost soul among them, the walking dead leaving the light and life all around him.
He hadn't even been completely aware when he had almost reached his red SUV and he'd heard a familiar voice calling his name.
He stopped in his tracks and clenched his fists. He didn't want to have this conversation right now. He didn't want to hear her excuses, he didn't want to even hear an apology. He didn't want to see her. He just wanted to go anywhere else but here. He wanted to crawl into a dark hole where nobody would ever find him, and just cease to be.
He didn't want to exist right now. But that part of him that was so eager to please others responded when he heard “Lincoln, wait!” being called out one more time.
Slowly he turned around and of course there was Melanie. She was jogging down the sidewalk towards him, her hoodie pulled on and zipped up, he guess she hadn't waited to put her shirt and bra back on.
“Link, Link, please!” she called out in her pouting tone, even using the cute pet name she had developed for him. God he fucking hated it right now. It felt like nails being driven into his ears hearing her say that, especially in that tone of voice.
Yet there was a small part of him, the small pathetic part of him that suddenly felt, hope? Hope for what? Hope that she was going to be truly sorry and beg for him to come back?
He felt disgusted at himself.
He just looked tired and sighed, slipping his hands into his pockets and slouching as she finally caught up to him. His head tilted and his eyes devoid of life he responded in an exhausted tone, “What do you want Melanie?”
Melanie stopped in front of him, and looked around for a moment as if she was trying to gather her thoughts. He noticed she looked more embarrassed than remorseful. He also hated that she still looked so beautiful to him too.
Finally she spoke, still using that cutesy tone, “Link, Link, well I just, well I just wanted to talk to you, to explain some things, because, because well I think you might of misunderstood, and well I would be a terrible girlfriend if I didn't try to make this right.”
Lincoln actually blinked at her and felt something again. He felt actual mild bitter laughter roll up from within him, “I don't know Mel, kinda hard to mistake another guy's dick buried inside of you. I mean, unless I'm hallucinating or something.”
Melanie gave him an annoyed pout, “Now now Link Link, there's no need for that. It's just, well. Well you know I'm always trying to make sure you understand the privilege you have being a hetero-normative cis white male after all.”
Lincoln looked at her like she'd grown a second head, his eyebrow raising upward, “What the hell does that have to do with you fucking another guy?”
Melanie gave an annoyed sighed and raised her voice slightly, “Link Link! I told you, there's no need for that! I'm explaining it to you.” She gave a huff, before fixing him with what he saw was an attempt at a patient kind smile, “Now Link Link, we've talked about this before. Sexuality and the heart are far more complex topics than the traditional monogamous roles the patriarchy has tried to force on us, particularly women for centuries.”
Lincoln continued to stare at her in disbelief, “What...what are you getting at Mel.”
Melanie smiled then, clasping her hands together in front of her, she did that when ever she thought she was about to make a grand point, when ever she felt like she was educating someone on a very important topic. He suddenly realized he fucking hated the gesture.
She spoke again in a gentle tone “Lincoln, what I'm saying is, that I'm Polyamarous.“
Lincoln kept silent and just stared at her. He couldn't believe this was what she was pulling, he could not believe this was the excuse he was hearing.
But then, even worse, a small part of him, that tiny wretched part of him that was so desperate for approval, so desperate to be loved spoke up in a tiny voice, 'but what if she's telling the truth?'
Melanie was clearly getting more confident the more she spoke and watched him, “Now Lincoln, you've always been such a forward thinking man, a true ally to the oppressed. It's one of the reasons I love you, but that's the thing Lincoln, I'm capable of loving more than one person. In fact it's impossible for me not too. I think Lincoln, in some ways this might actually have been a good thing for us.”
Lincoln's mouth went dry and he looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. It was taking everything he had not to scream, “A good thing?!” he turned away then, bringing his hands up to the sides of his head.
Melanie continued, “Yes a good thing! It means I can be true to myself now, and you, you can join me, and be part of a wonderful relationship with me and my other boyfriends. It's not the past anymore Lincoln, this is the way things really are.”
He didn't know whether he wanted to laugh, or cry. What she was saying sounded absolutely insane to him. He didn't know whether she was telling the truth, or just making excuses for shitty behavior. He just knew he wanted to, needed to get out of here as soon as possible before he lost his mind and did something he'd reget.
But then that lowly, horrible, wretched part of him spoke again.
Come on, you always knew she was too good for you. You always knew she was way out of your league, this explains it. A girl of this quality, well you have to share her. It wouldn't be so bad, maybe you could even make friends with the other men in her life. It's not like you'll ever be able to have a woman like this again. Do you really want to throw her away just because you might have to share her now?
Lincoln suddenly felt sick. He turned away from her, grabbed hold of the sign he was standing next to, leaned over and vomited all over the sidewalk.
Melanie suddenly gasped in shock, “Link! Link! Oh my god are you okay?” and she sounded genuinely concerned, and he hated at how much it made him feel good hearing that tone of voice.
He spent another moment bent over at the knees after he thew up one more time, and then wiped his mouth on the sleeve of the expensive shirt she'd made him buy. He stood up and turned to look at her as he began unbuttoning the shirt, quietly looking at her.
Melanie looked around, back and then forth, then to him, “Lincoln what are you doing? I don't really know if this is the time or place for that, I can't say I'm really in the mood and--”
He cut her off by throwing the shirt at her. Melanie had caught the expensive red material and looked up at him with surprise once more.
Lincoln only glanced at her as he responded, his voice sounding the most normal it had since the whole ugly thing had happened, “I' think I'm going to have to say no thanks Melanie. I'm not really a polyamarous guy and--”
Suddenly she cut him off, “Well Lincoln you don't have to be, it's only me that--”
This time he cut her off, “and this is one area of my life, that I don't really like to share.” He paused, looked at her one last time and then spoke up once more, “Goodbye Melanie.”
He turned on his heels then, his hands then and finished the short trek to his vehicle. Behind him Melanie called out again.
“Lincoln, wait!”
But he ignored her. The numbness came over him once more and he piled into his vehicle and fired it up in moments. He pulled out and drove right past her as she stared at him from the sidewalk.
He drove home in complete silence. Nothing but the occasional voice of the GPS on his phone telling him what turns to take. His mind was blank, and his emotions were gone. He felt nothing and thought nothing. In some ways it was better. He wasn't in pain, and there were no racing thoughts in his head.
There was just a bleak emptiness. As if he was staring down at a vast wasteland that stretched forward in front of him towards infinity. He drove home under that dark cloud, the street and traffic lights reflecting off of his windshield and white hair as he went.
He hadn't even realized it when he'd made it home, and in fact he just pulled up in front of the house, turned off his engine and sat there.
This had all really happened. He really had seen his girlfriend of 8 months having sex with another guy. He suddenly wondered just how many other guys there were, and how often she saw them. Was this a recent thing she'd been doing, or had she been doing it since the moment he'd met her.
Well, did it really even matter anymore? Not really. What really did matter in the long run anyway?
He just wanted to go in, go to his room and go to bed and pretend this whole horrible day hadn't happened.
And when he'd gotten inside, he'd almost forgotten he actually lived with other people. But suddenly he was faced with well, the faces of his sisters. The closest thing he had to real friends these days.
He almost laughed at that. No wonder he wasn't man enough for Melanie to only need him.
Of course things were a whirlwind after that. He'd gone into his room after giving his greeting and the reality of the situation finally sunk into him. He was actually crying out in anguished frustration before he even realized he was doing it. He'd grabbed his pillow and forced it over his face as he did so.
He was such a whiny bitch.
The sadness, the hurt, the betrayal it all hit him at once. It slammed into him and forced huge great sobs to come from him. His heart had been barely holding together, and it seemed now that he was home, now that he was somewhere safe, it could finally let go and fall to complete pieces.
He cried, he wailed, and he sobbed. He sobbed and cried so hard he wasn't able to breathe. He gripped his pillow so tightly he thought his fingers were going to tear through the fabric. He let out anguish that had been culminating in his for years. A deep sorrow over not being good enough. Not being man enough, or brave enough, or tenacious enough to hold on to what he'd wanted.
It had started when he'd driven Ronnie Anne into the arms of another, and had culminated in this moment where the best thing he could ever hope for was a woman who looked down on him, and wanted him to share her with others.
He had no life, he had no friends, he had no girlfriend. He was a pathetic 19 year old loser sleeping through community college, waiting for his life to actually begin when it was already over before it had even started.
Eventually he'd cried himself out. Eventually he'd stopped feeling sorry for himself and decided he needed to talk to his sisters. He knew they'd had to have heard him and would want an explanation. He knew they'd waste their time worrying about him, fussing over him when he didn't deserve it.
They were all so much more fucking talented than he was. They deserved so much more than the pathetic excuse of a brother he was. The least he could do was to try and get them over his problem as soon as possible so they could focus on their own lives again.
He'd carried himself downstairs and to them, and they had comforted him.
God their love felt so wonderful. They loved him so much, and he was so unworthy of that love. They didn't understand how bright their futures were, how amazing he thought all of them were, how much he loved them in turn and just, didn't want to be a burden to them.
This, this was the final humiliation. His sisters fussing over him, worrying about him when he should have been man enough to handle all of this on his own. When he should have been good enough to never have this issue happen in the first place.
But he wasn't. He was pathetic, and so the only recourse was to just go through the motions and try to get through this as soon as possible so his sisters would stop worrying about him and they could get back on with their lives.
He had fallen asleep with Lily clinging to him, the two of them watching funny videos on his phone. He just hoped more than anything he didn't taint her. That his loserhood didn't rub off on her. She was far to sweet, far to precious for that. Just thinking about it had made his eyes tear up when he'd woken up again to her clinging to him.
He thought maybe he would get up and try to do something useful, but before he knew it, he was falling back asleep. Down into a dreamless slumber, a rare moment of peace in his current anguish.
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The Shadow of his Heart