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The Epic of Dib	By : Fuzzbeast Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > Slash - Male/Male Views: 2991 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: "I do not own Invader Zim or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story."

Chapter List
- 1-Ch. 1
- 2-Ch. 2
- 3-Ch. 3
- 4-Ch. 4
- 5-Ch. 5
- 6-Ch. 6
- 7-Ch. 7
- 8-Ch. 8
- 9-Ch. 9
- 10-Ch. 10
- 11-Ch. 11 (Bonus Chapter/Deleted Scenes)
- 1
- 2
- 3
Author Note: This is the beginning of chapter 2 of this story. It will be much less angsty and depressing than the first part of the story, in fact, it's much more humorous. Also, the same warnings about ZADR and smut and gay alien sex apply here. Also, there are a few times where I made up a word or a name so don't worry about it. Lastly, this chapter is a lot more drabble-ish and pointless sex. Enjoy!
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Chapter 2:

I was sitting in Zim's underground lab, idly watching him work on some device or other. "Zim, what should I do with my life?" I looked to him pleadingly. "Um, have sex with me every second that there is until we die of exhaustion?" Zim replied with a grin. "I'm being serious, Zim. I don't want to be a mooch on you, eating up your food and resources without contributing anything to you." He looked a bit confused. "BUT DIB! You do contribute to me, you provide me with the gooey love and make me happy!" I sighed. Zim meant well, but he didn't really understand why I felt this way. I just wanted to prove I was a useful and contributing member of this relationship. Zim was pretty much stealing electricity from the grid and had a huge stockpile of his own food from Irk, and he even had a pile of diamonds just sitting in a box (he made those with his high energy compression machine and used them for various machine components). It's not like he wasn't capable of supporting us, but I still felt bad just sitting at home all day doing nothing. Even if I didn't do much else, I felt as though I should at least buy my own food. I don't want to sit around all day doing nothing and being worthless!
"Hmm... Well, I could get a part-time job at Bloaty's or something," I said out loud. "Ugh, that filthy grease pig!" Zim said with a scowl. "Do not do that. I used to work in fast food, and it is nothing but filth and pain! The angry customers and the dirty toilets!!! Those nasty toilets..." He had a vaguely horrified expression on his face as he recalled his time working on Foodcourtia. It was actually kinda funny. "Alright, fine then. Maybe I can do something a bit less traditional?" I thought about it for a bit. "Hey, I've got it! I'll program some phone apps and sell them on the internet! It won't rake in huge amounts of money, but it should be enough to at least feed myself a bit!" Zim nodded his approval and turned back to whatever he was working on.
So, over the next couple days, I set about creating a dozen commonly useful apps - an alarm clock, an app that plays different ringtones based on who's calling, a personal organizer, etc.. There! That should rake in enough money to keep us going for awhile since I don't really have to pay rent or electricity or anything like that. I felt rather proud of my work. Good thing I'm such a computer whiz! Still despite my pride in my accomplishments, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was merely a temporary solution. I still wondered what I was really going to do with my life. I really couldn't spend my whole life being a "housewife" to Zim, could I? As much as I loved Zim, it didn't quite feel right. I just think I should be doing something more fulfilling with my life. And yet, the more I thought about getting a "real job" the less enthused I felt about it. I don't really feel like going to college (and I certainly didn't get the grades for it due to my apathy). I didn't find the idea of working in a dead-end fast food job the rest of my life appealing either. None of those traditional choices really felt right. Deep down in my gut, I felt like I didn't really belong here in this city. in this society, on this planet... I just didn't feel like I belonged here, but I'm not really sure where else we could go. It's not like living on Irk would be possible (or even desirable), and I'm not sure where else a human and a renegade Irken would be welcome either. "I'm just not sure what to do..." I said aloud to myself. I stared up at my bedroom ceiling. I sighed. "You know what? These thoughts aren't helping me at all right now. It's best I not dwell on them." I gave a reassuring nod to the empty room and set about getting back to work on my apps.
Since I didn't really have much to do around Zim's house - OUR house - I reminded myself - I decided to learn as much as possible about Zim's people, his culture, and Zim himself. Zim gave me access to his database and had it auto-translate into English for me, but I decided I also wanted to learn to speak Irken. I got to where I was decent at reading it, but my speech was still a bit rough and frequently made Zim laugh when I tried to practice with him. Also, cultural differences between Irk and Earth made learning the meaning of some phrases quite difficult. I still laughed at the phrase "I'm feeling tall today!" which meant that the person was feeling confident. Most of their insults were based on shortness as well. Despite any difficulties I had, I pressed on with my learning. This meant I was constantly peppering Zim with endless questions about himself and Irken society. I thought at first that he'd be quite annoyed by it, but he seemed happy to be able to talk about himself and his people so much, and he tried to answer all my questions as best he could.
We sat around one lazy morning eating a late breakfast. Zim was eating waffles AGAIN (clearly he had grown fond of them) and I was eating some eggs and bacon. I had worked on improving GIR's A.I. some time ago, and as a result, he was a bit better of a robot now. He had still mostly burnt the food, though, but at least it was still edible.
I had been reading up on stuff in the database earlier this morning, and I was bursting with questions as usual. "Hey Zim?" I said through my mouthful of bacon. "Hmm? What?" he replied distractedly, his open mouth full of half-chewed waffle. Gross. Apparently, the 'not talking with your mouth full' rule was not a thing on Irk. "I was reading about how, like, only 20% of Irkens are female. Why is that?" He pondered for a minute, squinting his ruby eyes. "I'm not really sure. No one on Irk has ever really asked that question. I guess we're all just used to it since it's so normal. It's always been that way as far back as is in the historical database; it might be natural for our species." I thought about that for a minute or two. The more I thought about it, the more weird it seemed. "You know, Zim, maybe it's not normal at all. The control brains are the ones who choose how many smeets to make and what DNA to use for them, right? So, they must control how many males and females are made too. Maybe the control brains decided to purposefully limit the females so that they could control the population by use of cloning alone." He looked rather shocked by this thought. "Well, then why would they make any females at all?" he questioned. I thought about it for a minute more. "Maybe they only allowed the females to exist at all as a backup failsafe in case the cloning facilities are ever destroyed or in trouble." Zim looked genuinely surprised by this postulation. His face lit up as he said, "Wow! Dib's head is constantly full of crazy smart radical ideas! It's amazing!" I laughed a bit at that.
We continued eating after that, but I was still full of questions. "Hey Zim, I can't find the word for 'love' in Irken. What is it?" He looked at me blankly for a few seconds. "You mean a word for the way you make me feel? The way you give to me pleasure and loyalty and support, even when I make mistakes and don't always deserve it? You mean that?" I nodded. "Yeah, Zim, that's what love is." He creased his brow for a bit, then finally answered, "there isn't really a word for that in Irken that I know of. That's why you're so special to me..." I was temporarily dumbfounded by what he had said. It was so sweet, and yet rather sad if it was true that his species didn't really know what love was. "But Zim, Irkens have sex with each other, surely they must feel something for each other? Something like love?" He thought hard for a moment. "Well, we do have a word that means 'attachment' or 'bond', like when someone has become fond of someone else and likes being around them, so we do get to liking certain people more than others. I suppose that is like love. Still, most of the population chooses to remain solitary and just have sex occasionally, usually with little to no emotional attachment." I continued to stare at him in disbelief, but he seemed oblivious. He continued, "The taller Irkens usually use the shorter ones to satisfy their own sexual desires, usually whoever happens to be conveniently close by. They don't care for them much. However, Dib, 'bonds', and you might call them 'friendships', can form between those who are closer to the same height, even if it's not exact, such as those who only differ by a few inches and they will seek each other out for repeated sex. Still, the slightly taller partner tends to be more dominant in the relationship when this happens". He finished his rambling to look quizzically at me. I just continued to stare at him. "Actually Dib...," he continued, his voice softening a bit, "that's why I like you so much. Even though I'm shorter than you, you treat me like an equal. If we were both Irkens, things would be different. It makes me feel all fuzzy squishy inside when I think about it." I couldn't help the smile spreading across my face at this admission. "Thanks Zim, I feel that way too."
Still, this whole "no love on Irk" thing was bugging me, and I just couldn't let it drop. "But Zim," I pressed on, "are there no long term partnerships on Irk? You know, like how you and me live together and help each other and stuff?" "Well, sure, Dib! It does happen, but it's not that common as on Earth. Maybe only 40% of the population will form lasting partnerships. Partners are called "maab" on Irk, and it means that person has chosen that other person to be theirs. You are my maab!" Zim said triumphantly, as though he'd won a prize. "Um, so that's like a lover, right, Zim?" He replied, "Yes. It very much is, I suppose. Your partner is someone who you can trust and depend on. They work together and live together and watch out for each other in battle." I thought back on all our younger times when we fought each other. "Hey Zim, remember when we used to fight? Too bad we couldn't skip that part and just be friends from the beginning." He looked at me with some amusement in those ruby eyes. "Actually, Dib, most Irken partnerships begin with a rivalry and some fighting. If they find they are both skilled equals, they come to a grudging respect towards each other - and this is often before they become partners. That's why I came to admire you, Dib. That's why you are my partner now." I laughed a bit at that. "So, what you're telling me is that you wouldn't love me if I hadn't beat the crap out of you when we were younger?" "Pretty much, Dib." He smiled a sharp toothy smile at me. "I kept wishing you'd pin me down and mount me, Dib... I would've loved you even sooner!" That thought creeped me out just a bit, especially since I was only a child back then...
I decided to change the subject a bit. "So, can partners ever be of radically different heights?" "Not really," he replied, "because if they were, they'd likely be too different in social status, and they'd likely be assigned to completely different jobs and never get to see each other at all, so it'd be pointless." I found that statement a bit confusing. "So, does that mean that partnerships are legally recognized? A bit like marriage?" Zim looked confused by this question. I clarified, "Are partnerships socially recognized in some way?" Zim said, "Yes, people recognize what that means when you say, 'this is my maab', and one can register a partner in their pak. If they do that, they will be assigned to work in the same place and have the same living quarters if they are close enough in social status." Okay, that at least answered my question. "Um, so, what happens if partners fight and don't like each other anymore and don't want to be together anymore?" "Actually, Dib, partners fight a lot of the time. We get along unusually well!" he said, happily bouncing in his chair. "Anyway," he continued, "if they fight too much and break up, they can just as easily unregister themselves as partners."
Okay, well, that answered some of my questions. Zim stuffed his face with more waffles since he'd quit talking. "Hey, Zim," I piped up again, "what's it like to be a female Irken?" He coughed and almost choked to death on his waffle. "Mmphrr!" He finally swallowed the waffle and responded. "As you know, Dib, there aren't many Irken females, so most of the population are male lovers, so it's different for females. Since females are rare, they are highly sought after and hounded constantly by unwanted male attention. This gives them a bit of an advantage, though, as they can choose whomever they want, and they usually play it to their benefit." I was intrigued by this bit of information. "How so?" I asked. "Well, a female Irken will usually have 3-4 lovers at any one time. One she will have sex with simply because he's much taller and this enhances her social status, one will be the same height as her and she will pick him because she likes his personality or maybe he's impressed her with his skills in some fashion, then she'll have 1 or 2 much shorter lovers who are only tolerated because they bribe her with gifts and flattery. She'll string them along just enough to ensure that they continue to give her praise and free stuff! This type of thing happens over and over again on Irk, at least as far as I can tell. Tak probably had three or four lovers, herself." I digested this bit of info. "So, which of them do you think she might really love?" He replied with a shrug, "maybe none of them."
"Have you ever had sex with a female Irken?" I asked. "Hmmm," he looked contemplative. "There was one time where I almost had sex with one. I was younger and shorter back then. I bribed her with a super-duper lazer rifle in exchange for a bit of 'Zim time.' Unfortunately, her taller lover came home early and I had to escape out the window before he could pummel me." He looked a bit sad at this point. "I never did get my lazer rifle back..." He eyed me curiously, now. "So, Dib, what about you, have you ever mated with a human female?" I suddenly felt quite embarrassed. "Well..." I hesitated. "Come on, Dib! Zim has told you his story!". He pointed at me. "Okay, fine. I'll tell you. I haven't actually been with anyone else before besides...you. There was that one time, though, when I tripped and fell on a subway. I accidentally looked up a girl's skirt because of it, and she called me a creep and pepper sprayed me." "Victory!" Zim shouted dramatically, while jumping up from his chair and raising his fists in the air. He dropped back into his chair, and we stared at each other for a moment before we both burst out laughing.
After our laughter had subsided, he stood up quite suddenly from the table. "Now, Dib, you sexy beast, there has been enough talk! You will accompany Zim to the bedroom and have sex with me to reinforce our bond! Come, now!" "Yes, dear," I muttered sarcastically. In reality, though, I didn't mind much at all. "Just be gentle with me, I'm delicate like a flower," I said in mock submissiveness as I followed him down to the bedroom. He snickered.
As soon as we got into my bedroom, he gently shoved me down on the bed face first. He started rocking his hips rudely against my backside. "HEY!" I shouted. He grinned evilly at me, "Hey," he said back. "Get off!" I yelled. "I'm trying to 'get off,'" he said, amused by my squirming. I finally shoved him off and pinned him to the bed. I humped him rudely a couple times as payback. He just laughed. He shoved me off and pinned me down again, this time facing me. He trailed kisses down my neck, nipping gently at my collarbone. I didn't put up any fight this time. He tugged up on my shirt, and I lifted it off for him. He eyed me with a cheeky grin on his face. "I have a request, Dib, that you let me be dominant this time. Do you accept?" I gulped a bit nervously. "You won't hurt me, will you?" He looked taken aback for a bit. "Of course not, Dib. I just want to have a bit of fun." I gulped again. "Alright, Zim, I agree." He smiled maniacally, baring his sharp teeth. He quickly stripped off all his clothes and threw them to the floor. "Alright," he said, "prepare yourself!" Four flexible metal tentacles shot out of his pak. I jumped a bit, startled. He must have installed those along with his normal spider legs! I wonder when he did that?
He wrapped two of the tentacles around each of my wrists, pinning me into place. Oh, he wants to be kinky. I played along and squirmed a bit, unable to free myself. He chuckled. "I've got you, now!" "What are you going to do to me?" I asked in mock innocence. "Stuff," he said nonchalantly. He used the free pair of tentacles to bind my ankles. Now I was totally pinned. He started humming to himself as he reached for my fly. He unzipped my pants, deftly pulling them off along with my underwear, removing the ankle binds long enough to toss the clothing to the floor before returning them. He bent down, licking up the side of my already-erect penis. "Uhhh..." I moaned. He sucked on it for a minute, then abruptly stopped, making me groan. He smiled that evil smile again, and bent down to lick at my nipples. He continued licking and sucking at one of them, making me squirm. "Zim," I whined, "I'm getting sore." He totally ignored me and continued. "Mmph, urmm, Zim..." I continued whimpering. He finally stopped and moved to the other nipple. He did the same thing, to the point where I could barely stand it. He returned to my penis, placing soft kisses and licks up and down the shaft. Ugh! He was just teasing me! I strained upward to try to get more contact, but he snickered and kept me in place. He teased me further, then finally wrapped his serpentine tongue around my cock, slowly lowering his mouth over it. He sucked and I moaned and squirmed. I grew more and more excited. Just when I thought I might cum, he stopped, pulling off with a wet popping sound. I groaned in disappointment. He lightly stroked my testicles, waiting for me to calm down a bit. When he sensed I was no longer in danger of immediately squirting everywhere, he returned to his sucking. Once again, I grew very excited and felt close to cumming. He stopped again. "Zim!" I whined. He kissed the tip of my penis, licking up and down the side. I was dripping precome at this point, and feeling very needy. "Zim, please..." I begged. He stopped his licking and sat up a bit more. Instead of sucking me anymore, he simply started touching himself. He stroked a three-fingered hand over his greenish-purple length, taking special care to rub at the ridges in the middle. Ugh! That dirty alien was making me watch! God, it was turning me on even worse! "Zim, please!" I pleaded. He finally stopped stroking himself and looked down at me. "Does the Dib desire me?" I nodded. "Hmm, what was that?" he said, playing dumb. He clearly wanted me to beg. "Please Zim, please fuck me!" He smirked back at me. "Oh, alright."
He used the tentacles to flip me over on my stomach. I felt momentarily disoriented before I realized what he had done. The tentacles pulled my legs further apart, exposing my backside completely. I felt him pressing the tip of his penis at my entrance. He pressed the tip in, slowly working his way further in. His plentiful natural lubricant was allowing him to slide in easily. I trembled as he started rocking gently in and out. He continued doing this for awhile, and I felt like asking him to speed up, but knowing the mood he was in right now, he'd probably just tease me even longer. I kept my mouth shut, other than for some occasional moans. He eventually got bored of his own game and increased his pace. I could feel him adjusting his angle, clearly looking to hit my prostate. He finally found that spot inside of me, and I screamed out as he struck it. "Oh, aahgh, uhnnn....." I moaned out. I struggled to rock my hips up to meet his thrusts. I was so close now.... So close... I finally tensed and released, spasming with each spurt. Zim cried out behind me, filling me with his semen. He pumped a few more times before relaxing. He released my wrists and ankles, retracting he tentacles. He pulled out gently, then laid down next to me. I rolled onto my side and he draped an arm over me. "Let's take a little nap," he said sleepily. "Yeah," I agreed. I drifted off into a satisfied sleep.
Beep. Beep. Beep. What was that?! Beep. Beep. Beep. Is my alarm going off? I groggily reached out and pushed a button on the beeping thing. The beeping stopped. Thank goodness. "Dib?!" a voice yelled. Who was that?! Wait, what? I recognize that voice! It's Gaz! Oh shit! That wasn't an alarm at all, it was my communicator! Her face was displayed on the small screen, which I had left flipped open. She had kept in touch a bit more than dad had, and had been a bit nicer to me since...my little emotional breakdown a year ago.
She had a slightly disgusted expression on her face. "Dib, are you naked under those covers?" she asked with disdain. "Um, maybe..." I replied. Then I realized that Zim was gone. He must've woken up earlier. "Do you know what time it is? You really shouldn't be in bed this late. Were you having more gay alien sex?" she asked, irritated. I laughed. "Yeah, I was having dirty kinky gay alien robot tentacle sex! It was awesome!" She made a gagging sound as she pretended to puke. She had known about Zim being an alien for a long time, of course, and she also knew we were a couple now. Dad still didn't know, but it seemed like nothing got past Gaz. "Anyway, dear brother," she said sarcastically, "I've called to tell you that Dad wants to see you next weekend." "Why?" I asked, genuinely confused. "Because, you idiot, it's your birthday, or do you not remember your own birthday? You'll be turning 19, remember?!" she said, exasperated. "Oh," I said stupidly. "Anyway," she continued, "Dad's been feeling bad about how he handled that whole...incident with you before and he wants to make it up to you. He also suspects that you're dating someone, and he says he wants to meet your girlfriend. I didn't bother to tell him that you're gay and dating an alien; you're going to have to do that yourself, Dib." I knew by 'incident' she was referring to my suicide attempt. Dad hadn't talked about it since it happened, but I was still mad at him for sticking me in that awful mental institution. Things had been a bit strained between us since then. "Gaz, do you think Dad would be okay with me being gay? And if I showed him Zim was an alien, he wouldn't try to dissect him or anything, do you think?" She looked serious now. "Well, Dib...I think he'll be okay with you being gay. I also don't think he'd hurt someone you genuinely love. He does love you, you know..." She trailed off quietly on that last part. It seemed that under that tough demeanor of hers, she really did care. "Um, okay Gaz, I'll come over next Saturday then, and I'll bring Zim." "Okay, bye then!" she said before hanging up. I had better tell Zim about this.
I found him in his lab, working on something as usual. "Hey, Zim, I need to tell you something." "Hmm, what?" he replied distracted. I explained about the conversation with Gaz, and how I needed him to meet my father. I finally asked, "Are you going to be okay doing this?" "Yes! I can do this! I won't let you down! I'll impress your father-unit so much, he'll love me!" I was starting to feel nervous about this. "Um, Zim, don't do anything ridiculous or embarrassing, okay? Just try really, really hard to be normal." "Nonsense, Dib, I'm going to study up on human romantic relationships and show your father-unit what a good domestic partner I am!" Now I was really worried. "Zim, just please don't do anything crazy, alright?" He nodded his assent and shooed me away.
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I anxiously waited for Saturday to come. I was really hoping Zim wouldn't do anything horrible and that this would all go well. Saturday morning rolled around, and we were finally ready to go. We hadn't eaten any breakfast because I wasn't sure if Dad was planning a meal or not. Zim was wearing his human disguise, and carrying some gifts wrapped in a box. He wouldn't let me see what was in there, no matter how much I had begged. We walked over to my former house, which wasn't all that far away. I rang the doorbell. Zim shifted from foot to foot a bit nervously, holding his box. Gaz opened up the door. "Oh, it's you two," she said. She moved out of the way and we walked inside. It felt weird being back in my old house after a whole year had passed. "Hey, what's in the box?" Gaz asked Zim. "Oh, it's Dib-gifts. I need to get these ready. Where can I put them for now?" She pointed upstairs, "Just hide them up in Dib's old room. I'll make sure he doesn't peek." Zim headed upstairs to do whatever it was that he was planning. I walked into the kitchen to see Dad just standing there awkwardly.
"Welcome home, son," he said as soon as he saw me. "Yeah, hey, Dad," I said quietly, looking at the floor. A few awkward moments of silence followed that exchange. He finally broke the silence, "Son, I've been meaning to apologize to you for...neglecting you when you clearly needed help, and for putting you in that mental institution when it clearly wasn't best for you, and for driving you even further away from me. I'm truly sorry for everything I've done. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." His voice cracked towards the end, raw with emotion. I thought for a moment. Sure, I was mad about the whole thing, but really, my father loved me, even if he wasn't always around. I spoke after considering, "I forgive you dad." He pulled me into a tight hug. "Thank you, son. I'll make it up to you, I promise." After a few minutes, we finally pulled apart. "I do need to tell you something, Dad." "Ah yes," he replied, "Gaz has been hinting that you might have a girlfriend. When can I meet her?" I shifted my gaze nervously. It was now or never! "Um, dad," I started hesitantly, "I - I'm gay and I brought my boyfriend with me. He's upstairs now." He stared at me blankly for a moment. "Oh, okay...well...that's fine..." I looked at him questioningly. "I love you anyway and I can't wait to meet him!" he continued. I let out a sigh of relief. I was feeling a bit more confident now. "Uh, do you remember Zim, dad?" "Ah, you're little foreign friend. I remember you guys being good friends even in Middle School." I laughed a bit. He was pretty off about that, but I didn't bother correcting him. "Um, well, dad, he's my boyfriend now and I love him with all my heart." He smiled reassuringly, "Well, son, if you truly love him and he loves you back, then I approve. I just want you to be happy." I smiled at that. I could feel tears of joy pricking at the corners of my eyes. Just at that moment, Zim entered the room.
"Ah hello Dib's father!" he said loudly. "Well, hello Zim!" he greeted heartily, "I'm glad to finally meet my son's boyfriend. Good to meet you!" I debated telling Dad about the whole 'alien' thing now while things were still going well. I had better just get it out of the way! "Hey Dad, I have something else to tell you about Zim." Zim shot me a worried look, but I just nodded reassuringly at him. "Do you remember when I was younger how I was always going on and on about Zim being an alien?" He smiled a bit, "Yes, it was so silly!" I pressed on, "Well, it's really true." I looked pointedly at Zim at this moment. "Zim, show him." He looked questioningly at me. "Are you sure, Dib?" he asked. "Yeah, do it Zim." He pushed the button on his hologram device and it deactivated. Dad just stared, eyes wide in disbelief. Zim just stared right back at him. "W-wow, he really is an alien!" my father stammered out. "Now, Dad," I spoke quickly, "you said you approved of my relationship and only wanted me to be happy, remember?" He came to his senses and stopped staring. "Why yes, of course," he said. "I'm just so shocked. I'm sorry I doubted you when you were younger." "It's okay, dad." He looked at Zim a bit more, looking a bit hesitant. He pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, "Um, do you find him attractive like that? Please tell me you didn't...have 'relations' with that thing?!" "Yes, I did, and I love him and he loves me," I whispered back fiercely. "What are you two whispering about?!" Zim piped up from the background. Dad pulled away from me and said aloud, "Well, okay, son, if that's what you want. Welcome to the family, Zim!" "Yes, thank you, Dib-father," Zim replied as he turned his disguise back on. I guess he was still feeling a bit nervous after all.
"Now!" Zim announced a bit too loudly, "I will make us some breakfast!" I noticed that Gaz had appeared in the kitchen doorway. "I've got to see this," she said in her usual dry tone. Zim ran out of the room and came back with some packages of bacon and eggs. He walked pointedly over to the stove and set them down on the counter. "You will note," Zim said loudly, "that Zim is very domestic!" My dad just looked confused but he didn't protest, and I could tell Gaz was trying hard not to laugh. Zim rummaged around in the cabinets until he located a frying pan, a spatula and some oil. He got to work right away frying up the bacon and eggs. Oh well, this isn't so bad. At least he isn't doing anything too embarrassing. Just as soon as I finished my thought, Zim started talking.
"I will sing you a love song now, Dib!" I whipped my head around to protest, but it was too late. He started crooning out some lyrics to a really cheesy-sounding love song. "Like a dream you can't explain, love can change the beating of your heart..." he screeched out in the most horrible off-key sort of way. Clearly singing was not one of Zim's talents. "You are my dream, my love, my life. I just wanna spend my life with you. You are the one that makes me smile. I just wanna spend my life with you!" Ugh, his singing wasn't improving. Dad was staring at me with the most incredulous confused look on his face. "Oh, God," Gaz said, her hands over her ears, "make it stop!" "Okay, Zim," I said loudly, "that's enough, thank you for that, um, lovely song." "But I'm not done yet," he protested. "Uh, that's alright, Zim, I promise you that we've heard enough," I replied. He shrugged his shoulders and went back to cooking the eggs. "Oh, thank God," Gaz said under her breath. I smiled sheepishly at Dad, who just stared at me like I had a screw loose. "Are you sure you want to wake up every morning to that voice?" he muttered quietly to me. I just nodded, "yeah, I love him. He means well, I promise."
Gaz started to sniff the air. "Um, Zim, I think you're burning the eggs, you idiot!" she said. "Dib likes them this way," he replied. I chuckled nervously and yelled, "No one can burn eggs like you, honey!" I muttered quietly enough that Zim couldn't hear me, "I've learned to like them this way." Zim finally finished burning the heck out of our meal and served us our eggs and bacon. Gaz just looked at them in disdain but finally started picking at it. Dad looked like he was trying really hard to be polite and eat the food. Zim, of course, didn't eat anything since he wasn't really able to stomach bacon and eggs. I happily ate mine anyways because I'm used to this sort of thing. Somehow Dad had managed to choke down all of his portion after a few minutes.
"Alright then, son," he announced, "Since it's you're birthday, I'd say it's time for presents." I noticed that he pointedly avoided saying that they'd all sing "happy birthday" to me first. No doubt he didn't care to hear any more of Zim's singing voice. Everyone got up to fetch my presents and I walked out to the living room and sat on the couch. Gaz returned with a small box, and Dad had a gift bag. Zim returned too and set a vase full of...interesting looking flowers down on the coffee table. He sat down next to me, and placed a rather large box down on the floor that looked like it had been wrapped by someone who suffered from both manic insanity and Parkinson's disease.
"Uh, okay, Zim," my Dad started, "Why don't you tell Dib about this lovely vase of...flowers, you've gotten for him?" This vase of "flowers" was less flowers and more spiky, thorny twigs, sharp-looking grasses, and horrible spiky pink thistles. Zim spoke up proudly, "Ah, yes, I have gotten this lovely bouquet of flowers for my Dib, as proof of my love!" "Um, Zim," I said hesitantly, "Why are they all so...spiky and horrible?" Zim nodded approvingly to himself. "Yes, I chose the mightiest and most deadly of their species. These are the most fitting and impressive love-offering to Dib since they were the hardest to obtain." Gaz giggled and Dad just looked at me, once again confused. "Thanks, Zim," I said giving him a thumbs-up. "This is the greatest facsimile of a bouquet I've ever received!" Of course, it was the only bouquet I'd ever received. Even though it was weird and potentially dangerous, I appreciated the thought that went into the gift.
"Ahem," Dad cleared his throat, "why don't you open Gaz's and my gifts and save Zim's...other gift for the end?" "Okay, sure thing, dad," I answered. Gaz handed me her box and I tore open the wrapping paper. It was the newest model Ultra Game Slave. "Now, listen, I know you're not much of a gamer, but it might come in handy if you're ever bored," she said. "Thanks, Gaz," I replied honestly. Dad then handed me his gift bag. I pulled the tissue paper out of the top and fished out a new trenchcoat. "Thanks, dad!" I said enthusiastically. "I figured your old one must be getting small and ratty by now, so I thought it'd make a good gift. I hope you like it," he said. "Yeah, I appreciate it a lot. Thanks, Dad." I felt genuinely touched that he'd noticed since we had rarely talked to each other over the past year. "Alright, my turn now!" Zim said, breaking me out of my thoughts. I picked up his crazy looking present and opened it with some trepidation. I pulled out a pair of really cool looking boots. They were black leather and covered in cool buckles. Just my style! "Try them on," Zim urged. I slid off my shoes and tried them on, and they were remarkably comfortable, fitting perfectly. "They feel great, Zim, thanks!" He beamed triumphantly. "That's not all, Dib, there's something more in the box!" he pointed out. I reached in there and pulled out a knife in a sheath. Okay... I slid the knife out of its sheath, and it was truly scary-looking! The bottom of the blade was fairly straight, only curving up at the tip, but the top of the blade looked pretty wicked with a serrated edge and a sharp hook-looking thing near the front tip. "Umm, thanks, Zim, this is the scariest present I've ever gotten..." He looked really beside himself with glee. "That's not all, Dib, if you press the button on the handle, and heats up the blade and you can cauterize wounds with it!" He looked like he'd burst from pride at this statement. "I made it myself! I wanted to give you a practical gift. See, now you can use this if you're ever trapped and need to hack off your own limb to escape! Am I not a thoughtful boyfriend!?" he said excitedly. I looked at him a bit incredulous, "Zim, you're kind of deranged at times..." "I know, right!" Zim said happily. He obviously didn't know what 'deranged' meant. "Now if that Torque guy pesters you again you can just gut him like a dirty fish monster!" Zim said, making an aggressive motion with his hand. "Yeah, Zim," I said sarcastically. " I don't think I want to be a psycho just yet..." Zim looked a bit disappointed. My dad piped up, "Um, that's very nice of you, Zim, but don't get my son thrown in jail." I laughed nervously, but Gaz seemed truly impressed with it. I thought for a moment, "but I sure could use this to cut through cold butter..." Zim perked right back up, "Yes, very multipurpose useful. Do you like it, Dib?" I smiled at him. "Yeah, Zim, thanks." "Oooh, check out the boots! There's a pocket sewn in for the sheathe. I did it myself!" Zim proclaimed, once again proud of his handiwork. I checked and indeed there was a custom-fitted pocket in the right boot. I slid the knife back in its sheathe, secured the strap that held the blade in and tucked it into the pocket. It fit like a charm.
After a few more hours of talking with Dad (Zim and Gaz hung out together playing my new Ultra Game Slave) I think I'd reasonably convinced him that Zim wasn't a psycho despite the knife. Finally, it grew late, the sky darkening outside. "Well," I turned to Dad and Gaz, "We'd better get going then." "Keep in touch, son," Dad said, hugging me as we walked out the door.
Alright, then, off to our house. I wore my new boots and coat home. As soon as we'd walked the short distance back to the house, Zim turned to me. "Okay, Dib, time for phase two of your birthday!" "Huh?" I said. "What do you mean, phase two?" Zim looked extremely smug at this point. I half-thought he meant to sex me up again. "We are going clubbing!" he said instead. "Clubbing? Zim, I'm not much of a dancer. You know that." "Come on Dib, it'll be fun. Gir even says so! We're going to shake our beautiful backsides and have fun!" I was still feeling reluctant about this whole thing, but he ran to the garage (added after High Skool graduation) and pulled the car around. Of course, that car was more Irken technology than a real human car, but whatever. "Get in!" he commanded. I hopped into the passenger side, buckled up and held firmly onto the hand grip. I had ridden with Zim before and I knew exactly what kind of driver he was. I braced as he whipped out of the driveway, and drove on down the street. "Get out of my way, stink beasts!" he yelled at some innocent pedestrians. I sighed and kept my death grip on the hand hold. We finally pulled up to a darkly lit building. I read the sign above the door: "The Smex Hole". 'Oh, that sounds lovely!', I thought sarcastically. How do I let Zim talk me into these things?!
I trudged up to the door, Zim dragging me by the hand. I wasn't feeling good about this scuzzy place at all. Zim paid the bouncer at the door and we headed on in. The music was pounding and the strobe lights were pretty disorienting. I had no desire to dance since my dancing is terrible and crappy. Zim seemed excited, though. "Let's go dance!" he yelled over the music. "I really don't want to, Zim!" I yelled back, "I think I'll just get a drink!" "Well, then," he yelled back, "do you mind if I go dance?" "No, not at all. Knock yourself out!" I replied. I sat down at the bar while Zim wandered off into the crowd of dancers. I wasn't really much of a drinker, either, but I'd take any excuse to avoid dancing in a nasty, sweaty club. "What do you want, kid?" the bartender asked me. "Um, I guess something fruity, please." He snorted at me, no doubt amused by my wussy drink request. He brought me back a Strawberry Daiquiri after a few minutes. I sipped on my drink straw and watched Zim bust a move. He really seemed to be getting into it. I couldn't honestly say he was a great dancer or anything, but everyone out there was so drunk that his spastic flailing fit right in anyways. I smiled to myself. Well, at least Zim was having fun. I turned back to my drink and continued sipping quietly.
I sat there, just sipping my drink, occasionally glancing back to Zim out on the dance floor. A blond girl sat down next to me and flashed me a smile. I thought that she looked a bit like a sluttier version of Kesha, if that was possible. "Hey honey, how ya' doin'?" she said, a bit drunkenly. "Uh, I'm fine," I said a bit reluctantly. I glanced back at Zim, who was still occupied. He can be a bit jealous and possessive at times. I still shudder when I remember that incident with the waitress... Although he'd toned down that behavior after we had a serious talk about it, this girl flirting with me still made me a bit nervous. I hope Zim doesn't make a scene. Still, I don't want to be too rude to her or anything. "Sooo," she continued, "you here all alone, cutie?" She leaned forward a bit, her ample bust almost shoved into my face. "Umm," I replied, "Well, I did come here with someone..." "Aw..." she said drunkenly, "don't you worry about her. She's ditched you. You wanna get me a drink and I'll be your new friend?" She giggled, almost falling off her stool. I tried to be polite as I replied, "I'm really not interested." "Why? Are you gay or sumthin'?" she said stupidly. I was getting annoyed at this point. "Yes, I am, and I'm faithful too," I said pointedly. Just then Zim walked up behind me. "Ish tthat him?" she slurred. "Who's this?" Zim asked me. I could see that little hint of jealousy glinting in his eyes, but he was being much more restrained than past incidences. I was thankful for that. "Oh, nobody," I said. "He's kinda a shrimp!" she laughed. Zim glared at her as if he wanted to punch her. "Excuse me," he hissed out, a rather menacing expression on his face. "This one is mine and I shan't give him up to a filthy stink monster without a fight!" She looked understandably offended. "WELL EXCUSE ME!" she yelled and promptly left her seat. "Damn fags..." she muttered as she left, no doubt to ply drinks out of someone else.
"Well, that spoiled my mood," I said to Zim. "Oh, do not let that filth beast ruin things," he said, "Come and dance with me now." "Um, I don't know about that. I'm not a very good dancer..." "Oh, come on Dib! It'll be fun!" I was feeling a tiny bit tipsy from that drink anyway, so I figured, why not? At least everyone else was terribly drunk too. They wouldn't really notice how bad I was. Zim dragged me off the stool and out onto the dance floor before I could even reply. Zim started grinding maniacally against my hips. This must look terribly rude, I thought, but then I noticed that half the people in here were doing the same thing, so I just relaxed into it. Once I'd started relaxing, I let myself sway to the beat and dance with Zim. He seemed to be really having fun.
We danced about an hour longer, until we were both pretty tired. We headed back to the car, my spirits lifted. We got into the car. "Hey, Zim," I said to him. "I just wanted to say that I'm glad you didn't lose your cool when that slutty woman was hitting on me." He smiled at me. "Don't worry, Dib, I've remembered what you said about overreacting and I have learned. Still, I'll defend what's mine," he growled seductively after that last part.
Once we'd gotten home, I was pretty bushed. I took a shower to rinse off the smell of skanky club sweat, and Zim joined me. It was quite lucky that he'd built up a tolerance to whatever was in Earth water that bothered him before. It made our life much easier. He slid in behind me. I fully intended to just clean myself but it seemed Zim had other ideas. He reached over and cupped my balls. I smiled, it seemed I was right about that birthday sex idea I'd had earlier. He turned me around, kissing me as the water trickled down our bodies. I slid my hands across his slender, lightly muscled back, feeling the strength there. I even gently ran my hands over his pak. I reached down and squeezed his firmly muscled ass. "Hrrmpph!" he protested. He already had his hands on my cock, stroking. I reached down to his drippy little slit and rubbed on it, gently sliding the tip of my finger inside. He moaned into my mouth. I took my other hand and stroked along one of his antenna. He moaned even more loudly and trembled. I could feel him losing his balance and we bumped into the shower wall. His penis expanded out of it's slot, and I stroked it in earnest. Soon we were both panting, feeling ready. I removed my slick hand from his penis and slid it to his backside, gently pressing my finger into his hole. He smacked my hand away. "Nope, Dib, not tonight. I'm gonna be on top for this one!" I pouted with mock disappointment. In reality, I didn't mind if he felt like being on top tonight. I rather liked it. "Don't worry," he reassured, "you'll have your chance some other time." He spun me around to where I was facing the shower wall. I could feel his length poking around my backside. Zim seemed to be struggling, though. I turned my head to look at him. "Hmmph," he said grumpily. Then I realized that he was a bit too short to reach me in this position. It almost made me laugh but thankfully I kept that from happening. Don't want to offend my short alien lover. "Um, Zim, do you want to go to the bed?" I suggested. He shook his head defiantly. His spider legs shot out of his pak and he levied himself up to the right height. I felt him wrap his legs around my waist, pressing his penis to my entrance. He slid in about an inch, then out again, then back in again, a bit further. He repeated this process until he'd slid all the way in. "Ahhh," I moaned out. He put an arm around my chest to steady himself, using his other hand to stroke my penis. I felt him rock gently back and forth, really using his leg muscles to work it in. I clung to the shower wall. God this was sexy. I felt him stroke my cock and increase his pace. I struggled just to stay upright. There really wasn't much I could do but grip the shower walls and let him pound me from behind... Zim was moaning loudly now, as was I. I felt that familiar tension building as he pumped me from behind, his hand sliding up and down my length in almost perfect unison. I soon buckled and cried out, spurting my semen against the wall and almost falling. I felt him cum too, flooding me with warmth. He pulled out and retracted his spider legs. He seemed quite tired, understandably so, and almost fell into my arms once he was back on his feet.
We rinsed off again and went to bed. I was quite tired by now, and Zim seemed to be equally tired, too. "Goodnight," I said. "Goodnight, my Dib," he replied. I pulled the covers up around us, and we both went to sleep without saying anything more.
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END CHAPTER
Author Notes:
-The song he's quoting is "I Just Wanna Spend My Life With You" by Clinton Cerejo.
-If you want some idea of what the knife might look like, look up a pic of a "gut hook" knife, and it'll give you some idea.
-Since Invader Zim takes place in an alternate version of the U.S., let's just assume the drinking age is lower in this reality.
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The Epic of Dib