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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit	By : Jayrich Category: +1 through F > Dan Vs Views: 4007 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Just so it's clear, I do not on Dan vs. or the characters that appear on the show. Also, I am not making a single dime off of this story.

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Dan Vs the Lawsuit II

“You want my WHAT!?!?”
For one of the few moments in his life, Dan was actually too dumbfounded to express anger. The request that the Demoness made was bizarre, blunt and obviously unexpected; yet she continued to stand there, arms folded with a superior smirk on her face. She was deadly serious about her request...which was the most surprising part of all this.
“Dan’s virginity!” Chris repeated. “THAT’S what you want?”
“I don’t stutter, monkey boy.” She told him. “And I rarely repeat myself.”
“But...why!? I mean, Dan’s 27 years old, I’m sure he’s not a vir—!” Chris stopped himself after thinking over what he was about to say about his friend. “Actually, that would explain the request. OOWWWWWWW!!!”
He got a hard punch in his arm from Dan for that comment. “FORGET IT! NOT HAPPENING!!!”
“Awww, but what’s the big deal?” The Boss debated. “It’s not that you have a use for it up here. Besides, everyone knows the best thing about having it...is losing it.”
She leaned in close to Dan, running her index finger under his scruffy chin, before moving it down his neck, running it over his chest and stomach...and being halted by Dan’s hand before it could drift any lower. “No. Dice! Take your seductive ways and be gone! I am MORE than capable of winning a court case without the help of the supernatural!”
He turned his back to the Demoness and began to walk away, only to see that she was standing right in front of him. “Have it your way Danny, but I’m not without a heart. I’ll be around if you need me...and I’ll bet your friend’s soul that you will.”
With that, she disappeared from sight in a puff of red smoke, leaving the three as they were. “Wait, my soul? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY SOUL!?!?”
“Calm down, honey.” Elise told her husband. “No one’s soul is in danger...except maybe Dan’s, of course.”
“Haven’t you been listening? It’s not my soul she wants!” Dan corrected her.
“Yeah...it’s your virginity.” Chris reminded them. “Which begs the question—?”
“YES, I’M A VIRGIN!!!” Dan interrupted with burning rage. “I HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET! ARE YOU HAPPY!? I DON’T MAKE IT A POINT TO HOP IN THE SACK WITH EVERY PAIR OF TITS I PASS! There ARE such things as STD’s which can KILL YOU! Which is WHY I’m not in the BIGGEST rush to do the FUCKING HORIZONTAL POLKA!!!”
The married couple was immensely taken aback by that outburst, even more so than usual. It was clearly a touchy subject for Dan, and one both of them made a mental note of note bringing up again. “Actually...I was gonna ask why she wanted your virginity.” Chris said meekly.
After clarification, Dan’s anger lowered; but not much. “I don’t know, but she’s not getting it! I don’t need the help of Hell or Heaven to win this case! Justice is on my side!”
And with that, he marched off bravely into the night, believing his own words as Chris & Elise looked on. “Funny, I was just thinking you desperately needed the help of both.”

Dan sat nearly motionless in the courtroom the next day, as the Judge prepared himself to hear the case in front of him again. In his mind the offer made to him by the Demoness was still fresh; his virginity for a guaranteed victory in this case, and most importantly, no time in prison. Though Dan wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, even he couldn’t deny his Impostor was building a powerful case against him; one that continued to mount as he brought up his next witness.
“I would like to call Jeff to the stand...”
Jeff, the former manager at Burgerphile. Dan remembered him well, and a superior smirk adorned his face while he stared him down as he walked to the witness stand. The Bailiff greeted him with the bible and Jeff placed his hand upon it.
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
“Yes, I live my life by those words.”
“PFFFTTT!!!”
A loud scoff from Dan broke the mood somewhat, but not enough that the Impostor didn’t continue. “Jeff, you were a former manager for one of the best Burgerphile restaurants on the West Coast, weren’t you?”
Leaning in close to the microphone provided on the witness stand, he replied. “That is correct.”
“Also, you were considered one of the best managers in the burger chain, winning multiple awards, right?”
“That is also correct.”
“In fact you were in line for a promotion, and possibly a—!”
“OBJECTION!!!” Dan shouted, grabbing the attention of everyone in the court.
“On what grounds!?” The Judge asked.
“He’s leading the witness!” Dan explained.
“Really?” The Imposter responded. “And just how, pray tell, was I leading this witness?”
“Simple.” Dan replied, his smirk returned. “You were leading his ass to your LIPS!!!”
“ORDER! ORDER!!!” The Judge banged his gavel repeatedly as many in the courtroom snickered & giggled over that comment, including the pink-haired woman along with several others in the jury.
“I will NOT have another outburst like that again, do you hear me!?” The Judge bellowed before turning back to the Impostor. “You may proceed.”
The Imposter nodded. “Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, you had many accolades and accomplishments, and a career steadily on the rise...until one faithful day. Can you describe what happened on that day, Jeff?”
“Of course.” He replied. “I was simply overlooking my restaurant staff, when THAT MAN brutishly entered my restaurant, wildly ranting about dairy products and chaining himself to the counter! The entire debacle caused me to be relocated to...Maryland!”
He shuddered upon saying the name of his exile, loathing that he was sent there because of Dan. But his pain showed, and it was exactly what the Imposter wanted.
“Not going so good, is it court monkey?”
That familiar voice was accompanied by the sensation of fingers playing with Dan’s hair. Quickly he turned around to confirm his suspicions; The Boss had conjured herself into the courtroom right next to Chris and Elise, both of whom were just as shocked to see her appear out of thin air.
“Oh man, this isn’t good.” Chris uttered while trembling.
“What are you doing here!?” Dan demanded in a whisper.
“Well the Lakers are out of town, so I decided to go to a different court to see a slaughter.” She answered. “Ooh, and it doesn’t look good, does it?”
“I’m doing just fine!” Dan rebutted.
“Yeah, you keep believing that. There may not be a plea deal in this case for you, but my offer’s still on the table.” She reminded him.
“Keep it there!” Dan told her in a hushed voice. “Because I don’t need it!”
“Aw, come on Danny...” The Demoness goaded. “...Tell ya what; I’ll toss you a freebie. Just to show you my talents.”
“Your witness, Dan.”
Their conversation was abruptly halted by the Impostor’s voice, as he confidently strolled back behind his desk, leaving the Judge, Jury & gallery awaiting Dan’s cross-examination. Turning back to the red-haired bargainer, he received a knowing wink from her, which shook him to his soul. Still, his anger made him stand firm as he rose from his seat and walked up to the stand, ready to go after his former foe.
“So, Jeff...IF THAT’S YOUR REAL NAME...would you mind telling me, the jury and everyone else in the courtroom WHERE WERE YOU ON AUGUST 19^th!?”
“Obviously this has nothing to do with the case...” Jeff surmised. “...so I’m not under any obligation to tell you that I was looking up how to make plastic explosives on the internet so I can blow up your car.”
As soon as the words left his lips, he gasped in shock and covered his mouth. The entire courtroom shared his surprise, as did Dan, who couldn’t believe that the courtroom tactics he’d seen on TV actually worked. “OK...well, it’s true that you got my order wrong on that day, and refused to change it, right?”
Jeff composed himself, and answered the question. “Absolutely.”
He covered his mouth again, but found himself losing control of his hands & mouth as he continued. “I...didn’t like you...as a customer!” He struggled out, trying his best to stay silent. “Your antics...scared away...customers! And I wanted...to drive you...away! But you...you wouldn’t leave! You had...to be...stubborn, and...ruined my career!”
Finally he ceased his uncontrolled rant, but only after he had finished. His eyes wide as spotlights as Dan felt a rare but fulfilled sense of satisfaction while walking confidently back to his seat. The Impostor was also shocked over the rant that was given; suddenly it looked like Dan would not only put up a fight, but might just draw some jurors to his side. Needing to regroup, he rose up and addressed the Judge.
“Your honor, I motion for a quick Recess!”
“We have been at it for a while...” The Judge noted. “...Motion granted. 20 minute Recess.”
And with the bang of his gavel, it was made official. Quickly the Impostor made his way from his seat and out of the courtroom; but not before he spotted a smug grin coming from the Defendant, one that made him grumble as he bowled through the double wooden doors at the back of the room. Dan responded by putting his hands behind his head and kicking his feet up.
“I told you guys, when it comes to this Lawyer stuff it’s just like on TV.” He boasted.
“Well, aren’t you just the cranky little Perry Mason.”
Hearing a deathly familiar voice, Dan lost his balance from his chair and fell rear-end first onto the floor. Quickly rising to his feet, his suspicions were confirmed; the Boss was back.
“Will you CUT THAT OUT!?” Dan demanded. Her response was playing with his hair.
“You’re just so cute when you’re a raging lunatic.”
“STOP PLAYING WITH MY HAIR!!!” He screamed. “Why are you even here, anyway!?”
“Just wanted to see if you liked my gift.”
“Gift?” Chris repeated.
“What, you didn’t really think dull & dreary on the stand made his confessions by himself, do you?”
“You took control of him.” Elise deduced. “Forced him to say all that stuff.”
“Some people just don’t have the will.” She said with a shrug. “Besides, he did swear. And it’s called a Court of Law, not a Court of Lies.”
“Well you can KEEP your gifts!” Dan grumbled as he stood up from his seat. “I don’t need you or your help! The day I go to a demon for help is—!”
“The day you actually do good deeds and become a polite member of society?” Elise finished with a smirk.
“I told you politeness is a sign of weakness!” Dan replied as he marched through the gallery seating towards the back of the courtroom. The three followed as he reached the end, shoving the door open.
“You REALLY don’t want my help, do you?” The Demoness inquired.
“I’d rather sit on an E-Z Chair made of Hot Coals.” Dan answered.
“Yet you still talk about foreplay. That just gets me even hotter.”
“OK, I know she’s a demon, but...that’s just WRONG!!!” Chris noted.
“JUST GET OUT!!!” Dan demanded. “Go to hell, LITERALLY!”
“Love to, but things are just too gloomy down there.” She told them.
Dan was now seething with anger, so much so he wanted to slug her just so she would leave his sight. He withheld himself from doing so however, not because she was a woman, but because she feared what demon magic she could use against him in retaliation. Thinking fast, he decided to at least by himself a few moments away from her.
“Alright, I’ll admit your offer has intrigued me.” He told her. “Just give me a few minutes to think it over. Maybe you can go get yourself something to drink; a nice cool glass of water.”
The Boss just laughed as she walked past the diminutive ball of anger. “You know, you ARE cute when you’re naive.” Making her exit, she seductively walked out of the courtroom as Dan shut the door behind her, and quickly turned to his friends.
“Elise, buddy!”
“Like I didn’t know this was coming.”
“Dan, No!” Chris told him firmly.
“What? I need her expertise.” Dan explained. “Your wife has a wonderful & magnificent gift...she can get rid of people!”
“Really, Dan?”
“Hey, every time she comes around me I wanna leave!”
“How flattering of you.” She said flatly.
“You’re welcome.” He said in response. “Now, can you PLEASE get rid of her?”
“You know what, despite your “charming” demeanor, I’ll do it.”
“WHAT!?!?” Chris shouted in shock. “Elise, honey, you do know we’re dealing with an actual demon, right?”
“Of course I do.” She answered. “And I’m sure just like other intelligent people she can be reasoned with and bargained to leave Dan alone. And if not, I get to try out my new Tai Kwon Do techniques.”
“Huh?”
Nothing, dear!” Elise quickly said. “Keep Dan company.”
“But—!”
“You heard your wife!” Dan interrupted, pulling Chris away from her as she left the courtroom. “Besides, you and I need to plot out plan B, in case she ends up in one of the Circles of Hell for attacking a demon or something.”
“WHAT!?!?”
“Calm down!” Dan reassured his friend. “I’m sure it’ll be one of the outer circles. Probably force her to watch reality shows for the rest of eternity.”
As Dan continually failed to reassure his friend, Elise scanned the hall outside of the courtroom and quickly spotted the Demoness in her human form, swiping a lollipop from a sleeping baby and her unsuspecting mother. She took a lick of the candy before strolling over to Chris’ wife. “Is the little ball of anger ready to take my offer?”
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Elise informed her.
“No, wait, lemme guess, you’re out here to get rid of me for him.” She surmised correctly. “I’d say he had a chivalrous aspect to him, but I think this was more out of fear.”
“You got it.” Elise agreed.
“And you know this probably isn’t even near the worst thing he’s done.”
“I could tell you stories...”
“And I’d know half of them.”
Surprisingly, both ladies giggled over Dan’s exploits, sharing a brief but still significant moment. As the gallery began to refill the courtroom though, the two remained on the outside, knowing that the moment that happened before was gone, and was about to be replaced with conflict.
“You know for a demon you aren’t that bad...” Elise commented. “...except for the whole spreading evil throughout the world and corrupting innocent souls thing.”
“Everyone has a hobby.” The Boss replied. “So do you wanna start off this dance, or shall I lead?”
Not a word more was said as Elise took the initiative, coming at the Demoness with a spinning roundhouse that was quickly halted by her hand. Elise regrouped and attacked with two flick kicks that were easily dodged by the Demoness, who countered with a spinning backhand. Elise saw it coming however, and ducked the blow by sweeping her legs, taking her off of her feet. The Boss wouldn’t be floored for long though, as she immediately hopped back up and went on the attack with a high kick of her own; one that Elise deflected with ease. She put on the pressure with knife-like strikes and chops, putting Elise on the defensive. Though she was able to avoid her blows skillfully, it proved to be the perfect distraction; as The Demoness’ tail slowly crept under her between her legs, and struck Elise’s leg, making her lose balance. It was the opening she needed as she pushed forward, pinning the secret agent to the wall.
“Nice dance, but now you’ve got me worked up for something...dirtier.”
Elise was confused. “Wait, what are you talking ab—oh no!”
She made the connections too little too late, as she could already feel The Boss’ heaving chest against hers. The Demoness used her powers to bind Elise’s wrists to the wall, leaving her helpless. What followed next would indeed be dirtier than what transpired before, as her hand delved passed her blue jeans and her panties, brushing against her warm snatch. Her index and middle finger caressed her pussy lips, causing her body to tremble as she leaned against the wall helplessly. She gritted her teeth, and the Demoness spotted her continued resistance.
“Awww, they’re always so cute when they struggle.” She said.
“I thought...you were after Dan!” Elise struggled.
“Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy little treats on the side.”
Suddenly, Elise noticed her shirt was pulled up below her chin, as was her bra, leaving her breasts hanging freely out in the open. Before she could react to that, she felt one of The Boss’ fingers venture inside of her, drawing out and audible gasp.
“Ahh!”
“That’s what I wanna hear!”
Slowly she moved the finger in & out, toying with Elise as she knew there was no way she could resist. Her breath grew heavier and louder, and beads of sweat formed on her skin as the Demoness continued to have her way with her, out in the open. Taunting her even more, the Boss gently licked Elise’s cheek & chin, making her shudder with pleasure even more. She would then bring another digit into the equation, slowly increasing the speed in which she fingered her now wet pussy. Elise was well on her way to having an orgasm right then and there, and the Boss knew it.
“I bet you wanna cum so bad, don’t you?”
Elise was reluctant to answer. “Dammit...yes!”
“Yeah, too bad I can’t help you.” And just as suddenly as her molestation began, she removed her hand from Elise’s jeans, leaving her on the verge and unsatisfied.
“What the...you...you just...I’m gonna—!”
“I know, I know, you wanna shove my horns AND my tail both straight up my ass.” She finished for her. “And while I’m not opposed to foreplay, don’t you think your husband is better suited to fix your current situation?”
As much as she was loathed to admit it, the Demoness was right. And it was exactly what she gambled on. Calmly she pushed through the double wooden doors and reentered the courtroom, where the gallery & the jury were preparing for the trial to continue. She took her seat right behind Dan and next to Chris, who wasn’t happy about seeing her return.
“Uh, OK...so, my wife leaves out of the courtroom after a demon, and the demon returns with my wife nowhere to be found.” He said to himself. “I’m just gonna assume that I’m a widow now—!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” She told him. “Also, you can thank me later.”
Before Chris was able to ask what exactly he would thank her for, he felt a sharp tug at his collar which pulled him from his seat. He was in the process of being dragged out of the courtroom by his wife. “Elise, honey? What happened?”
“You! Me! Bathroom! Now!” She replied bluntly.
“...is this like the time you saw that male stripper film?”
“OH yeah!”
“Understood.”
And without speaking another word, Chris allowed his wife to lead them out of the courtroom, just as the trial would resume; leaving Dan alone with the mistress from Hell.
“Hey, wait! Where are you going!?” Dan asked as they exited out the door. “DESERTERS! ABSCONDERS!!!”
“Aw, who needs them?” The Demoness told him. “Besides, shouldn’t you be worried about your trial?”
“This SHAM that people persist to call a trial is just a monumental waste of time!” Dan argued. “Once I am found innocent, justice will have been served and I will enact my revenge on every single person in this courtroom!”
“WOW...” She said with genuine surprise. “...you truly believe you won’t be found guilty, do you?”
“Of course I won’t!” Dan affirmed. “That’s what I’ve been saying all along!”
“Well, we’ll just see about that.” She then grew a sinister smirk on her face which slightly disturbed Dan, but he quickly shook it off.
“ALL RISE!!!”
Everyone in the courtroom stood on their feet as the Judge reentered and took his seat behind the bench. “You may be seated. Does the Prosecution have any more witnesses?”
“No, but I do have a bit of information that should be shared with the court.” The Impostor slowly rose from behind his table, wearing a devious grin like before, which brought forth some nervousness from Dan. “Now as you know the Defendant here has been responsible for many, many, MANY acts that could be considered suspect and criminal. But it has just come to my attention that Dan here, is responsible for one act that should never be ignored or forgiven...he has failed to have his pet Spayed or Neutered!”
Loud gasps echoed through the courtroom as one juror was in utter shock. “He disobeyed the Bob Barker Act!”
“Of COURSE I don’t have my pet Spayed or Neutered! Because I actually HAVE A HEART!” Dan yelled. “I’d rather have my mailman have his junk chopped off than Mr. Mumbles!”
“HE’S CONTRIBUTING TO THE RISE OF THE PET POPULATION!!!” A man from the gallery shouted. “HE SHOULD GET THE CHAIR! AACK!!!”
He received a wooden chair against his head for his opinion, courtesy of a fuming Dan. The act was followed by repeated gavel banging. “ORDER! ORDER! One more outburst like that and I’ll hold you in contempt!”
Still seething with anger, Dan reluctantly fell back into his seat, folding his arms in front of him as he grumbled words that would most likely find him in contempt. How could the Impostor had known about Mr. Mumbles not being Spayed or Neutered, he wondered. He saw the forged records Elise put into the government database and even promised to stay away from their house during birthdays & anniversaries as payment. Then it came to him...
“The Demon!” Quickly turning around, he was greeted by nothing but an empty seat, and curious looks from the gallery seated some rows back. She was gone without a trace.

“COME OUT!!!”
Dan shouted those words at the top of his lungs, demanding that the tormenter and supernatural stalker in his life reveal herself as he stomped around his apartment. “I KNOW YOU’RE HERE, AND I KNOW YOU’RE WATCHING! GET OUT HERE, NOW!!!”
“Awww, Court Monkey mad?” Sharply turning to his left, he saw the Boss had finally revealed herself, sitting legs crossed on his coffee table.
“YOU!!!” He screamed. “YOU did that to me in the Courtroom!”
“No idea what you’re talking about, Danny boy.” She responded.
“DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!” He warned, his face 4 shades of crimson. “You made them find out about Mr. Mumbles! That STUPID Bob Barker act can now have me locked up for life!”
“That is such a shame.” She said, feigning empathy. “But there is a way out of all this, since my offer is still on the table.”
And as those words left her lips, she uncrossed her legs slowly, giving Dan a lengthy view of what lied between them before she crossed them again. Now it was temptation along with self-preservation that weighed heavily on Dan. With the newest information shown to the Jury, everything points towards the vengeful anger magnet doing hard time for the rest of his natural life, leaving behind his friends and, more importantly, his beloved pet. Seeing the options in front of him, Dan came to a decision, albeit one he did not enjoy.
“Alright...you win.”
“You know, I would ask you to repeat that louder, but that would be just mean.” She said with a sinister smirk.
“That’s right, get your jokes out!” Dan responded. “Just make it quick, alright! YOU WANT IT? THEN TAKE IT ALREADY!!!”
He lifted his ‘Jerk’ shirt up to his neck, exposing his bare chest, which was just as hairy as his chin. The Demoness took a moment to look at him, with a raised eyebrow. “Hmm, I was at least hoping you’d have a two-pack.”
“What are you waiting for? SUCK IT OUT OF ME, ALREADY!” Dan demanded.
“Oh that’s to come later, amongst other things.” She replied. “But I think you’re gonna have to lose more clothing for this.”
“Huh, what are you talking about!?” Dan asked. “Just use your stupid demon magic and take my virginity!”
She took a moment to process what he just said, before giggling, and then breaking into all-out laughter. “Never thought I’d say it about this, but I think I need to explain; when it comes to a demon taking someone’s virginity, waving magic wands and saying complex words doesn’t quite cut it.”
“What? You mean—!”
“We’re gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.” She verified. “Emphasis on the ‘do it.’ But don’t worry, I won’t bite...scratching is possible, though.”
And for the second time in Dan’s encounter with the Demoness...he is left speechless.
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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit