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Duck Butter	By : Kobanya Category: +G through L > Looney Tunes Show, The Views: 6510 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own The Looney Tunes Show and make no money off of this.

Chapter List
- 1-Duck Butter
- 2-Duck Butter Pt. 2
- 1
- 2
The main reason I broke this up into two chapters was because of the switch over to Daffy's POV. Writing as Daffy is a bit difficult, since I'm not a dick at heart. xD Feel free to let me know if I write a good Daffy, or if I should stick to just Bugs, who's much easier for me to write. :)
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It was a beautiful morning. Or was it afternoon? Daffy could never really remember what time he usually woke up at. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the afternoon, and sometimes he would actually wake up in the morning. Of course, the latter only happened when he had been sleeping for several days straight and Bugs had to wake him up since he was beginning to stink. As if there was anything wrong with his natural musk. Anyway, for once his stomach didn’t make him wake up. Instead it was the sound of the fridge door closing. Some people could just be so inconsiderate.
Here he was, trying to sleep after a long day of doing absolutely nothing the night before, and Bugs had the nerve to walk into the kitchen and get something to eat. Sure, he was sleeping in the kitchen, but he was pretty sure they had agreed not to eat until he had woken up. And even if they hadn’t, it was a rule in his head and that was all that mattered. “Do you mind? I was trying to sleep!” Daffy said. “Daff: it’s not my fault you wanna sleep in the kitchen.” Bugs replied. “Whatever Spargle Bunny.” Daffy said, getting out of bed.
Also, it was definitely Bugs’ fault that he was sleeping in the kitchen. If the rabbit hadn’t gotten so hopped up on that Drug-in-a-Can, then he wouldn’t have moved his bed all the way down here. Not to mention forcing Daffy to chase him around an office with a stapler. Now that he thought about it, he was certain that it was also Bugs’ fault that he ended up getting arrested. He was only doing his civic duty as an off-duty cop, and what did he have to show for it? More jail time. Seriously, what was this place, Soviet Russia? Daffy stretched and walked to the fridge, opening it and grabbing the milk jug. “Man, I had the weirdest dream,” Daffy uncapped the milk and drank from it, “I think we were having a pool party, if you catch my drift.” Daffy said with a grin.
It was a crazy pool party too, with inflatable lobsters and Gina was there and Porky, and that one bad guy from that episode of Steve St. James: Off-Duty Cop. The one where the guy tries to rob a bank and steals the rich heiress’ jewels along the way and Steve St. James along with his Chauffeur have to chase him down, but then it turns out that the thief was actually the rich heiress’ evil twin sister who isn’t rich at all and was jealous of her twin’s success and beauty; and after Steve St. James returns the jewels and the bank’s money, he gets his own reward from the beautiful rich heiress, if you catch my drift. Wait, what was I talking about? Daffy thought.
While he was trying to figure that out, Bugs shook his head and took his bagel halves out of the toaster, also grabbing a butter knife out of the drawer, replying, “Better than the one with the robotic bull.” They both shared a chuckle at that.
As Bugs began to put cream cheese on the bagel halves, Daffy said, “It felt so real though, like I was sliding through water…or cheese. Maybe it was cheese.” If he recalled correctly, there was a Slip-and-Slide made entirely of cheese. Although now he couldn’t remember whether he ate the Slip-and-Slide or actually slid down it. Eh, maybe he did both. It would explain why he was craving cheese right now. There should be some in the fridge, otherwise Bugs would have to go to the store and get more. He certainly wasn’t going to demean himself by running an errand. He supposed that for right now, cream cheese would have to suffice even though he really wanted a good hunk of cheddar. He noticed that Bugs had abandoned his made bagel in favor of a Yum-Tart. “Hey, you gonna eat this?” Daffy asked, holding the bagel.
“Nah, you go ahead.” Bugs replied. Daffy ate the bagel in two bites and gave a noise of pleasure. “Hey, this cream cheese is pretty good! What’s in it? And don’t say carrots, because I know it’s not.” Daffy said in between licks of his fingers. What exactly was in this? It definitely made the cream cheese even creamier, and yet it also tasted so familiar…he would figure it out eventually.
“Nope. It’s a secret sauce.” Bugs said. “No way.” Daffy replied. “Way. Check it yourself.” Bugs said as he left. Hm. Secret sauce he says; Daffy had been sleeping in the kitchen for at least a month now and had investigated a few of the cabinets when looking for a snack, and he didn’t see any bottles of sauce labeled ‘secret’. Daffy finally looked at the container of cream cheese and noticed a shape in it. For a moment he figured it was just from the knife cutting out the cheese, but the shape didn’t look right. The duck peeled back the foil a bit more and finally saw the shape completely. “WHAT?!” He yelled.
--
“…And that’s what happened. Can you believe that? I mean how unsanitary is that, doing that sort of thing to cream cheese? That stupid rabbit didn’t even consider my feelings on the matter at all. He’s just jealous that I’m more successful than him, not to mention that my product is more useful than his. I mean, who still uses a carrot peeler? I know I don’t, and you shouldn’t either.” Daffy said to the man next to him. The man looked at Daffy and replied, “Dude, for the last time: I have no idea who you are. I just wanted to get some beer and you’ve been talking to me for the past hour.” “Oh.” Daffy then looked around and wondered just where he was. He remembered leaving the house in his parade float and just sort of driving around town until he saw a bunch of cars parked in front of a house and did the same.
“So where is this again?” Daffy asked. The man sighed. “This is Trisha’s pool party.” “Oh, Trisha! She’s a pretty cool gal.” “Do you even know Trisha?” “Of course I do. She and I go way back. I met her in college and we hit it off pretty well.” Daffy said smoothly, leaning against the drink table. The man just looked at Daffy for a moment before replying, “Trisha goes to an all-women’s college.” Daffy looked like he had been caught off-guard for a moment before replying with annoyance, “I knew that. How do you know Trisha then?” “…I’m her boyfriend.” The man replied, also sounding annoyed. Daffy chuckled nervously at that. He looked around for a moment to stall in replying before focusing his gaze on the gate. “Ah, well I think my girlfriend is calling me. Later.” Daffy quickly left the drink table and headed for the gate dividing the pool from the front yard.
He got through the gate and was almost to his car when he heard someone calling his name. Daffy flinched before turning around, saying, “Look, when I said I knew Trisha, it was just a joke. Don’t get so-Tina?” Daffy was surprised to see the female duck standing in front of him, but he was also relieved. “Oh, it’s just you. I was worried Trisha’s boyfriend thought I was a stalker and was gonna beat me up.” “Who’s Trisha?” Tina asked. Daffy shrugged. “Beats me. What are you doing here?” Daffy asked.
Tina answered, “I’ve been looking for you. We were gonna do Yoga tonight, remember?” “Yoga? I thought you said Yogurt. Anyway, I’m too rich to be bothered with such a menial task.” Daffy replied smugly. Tina frowned. “Ya know, Bugs said you were being a jerk. Well, in between some drunken mumbling and a couple of words not fit for polite conversation.” Tina replied. “A jerk? He’s the jerk! He refuses to support me in my business deals, constantly puts me down, and refuses to do anything I enjoy doing!” Daffy shouted.
Tina held her hands up to stop the incoming rant she knew Daffy was about to start into. “Look, I don’t really care what you and Bugs get up to, but I’m pretty sure that you’re the one in the wrong here Daffy.” “Oh yeah? And what makes you say that?” Daffy asked. “Because you’re always in the wrong. Anyway, he also told me about that ‘Duck Butter’ of yours and I have to agree, that’s really nasty Daffy. You need to stop selling it and then talk things out with Bugs. I’m sure everything will work itself out then.” Tina said, crossing her arms.
Daffy also crossed his arms and replied, “Nope. I plan on turning my Duck Butter into a global product, and not you, Bugs, or anyone else is going to stop me. And I’m not talking things out with Bugs. Maybe if he came begging for me to come back and apologized a hundred times, along with saying that I’m smarter, better, and more handsome than him, then maybe I could consider it.”
Tina’s expression turned into one of annoyance. “Fine, don’t say I didn’t try to help. You’re going to get in trouble with the FDA and no one will be there for you.” Tina then turned and left, heading back inside her car and driving off. Daffy stood there for a long moment before wondering aloud, “What do dentists have to do with anything?”
He shook his head and then turned back towards his car, only to get tapped on his shoulder. With a sigh, he turned back around and looked at a man in a business suit. “What are ya, Trisha’s lawyer or something? How many times do I have to say that I don’t know her?!” The man looked confused for a moment before ignoring Daffy’s statement and instead asking, “Are you Daffy Duck?” “No. I’m Leopold von Lichtenstein III.”
“Oh. Because I was going to invite you to this prestigious award ceremony, but since you aren’t him-“ The man began to turn away, but Daffy grabbed his arm and stopped him. “What award ceremony?” The duck asked. “I thought you said you weren’t Daffy Duck?” “I am. That’s just something I do to avoid bill collectors.” The man pulled an invitation out of his coat pocket and handed it to Daffy. “This invitation is to the Small Business Awards, and you’ve won the coveted ‘Best New Business’ award. These past few weeks, we’ve been hearing about your ‘Duck Butter’ product and how much people love it. In fact, I think there might even be a few grocery stores that will want to carry your product after tonight’s event.” Dollar signs formed in Daffy’s eyes at the man’s words. All of his dreams were about to come true after tonight. First it would be grocery stores, and then franchises, endorsements, product placements, finalizing with his product would become a global sensation. No, a universal sensation, to be enjoyed by all!
The man chuckled at Daffy’s expression. “Feel free to invite your friends. This year the awards are going to be televised, so be sure to wear your best.” The man said, leaving after that. Daffy clutched the invitation in both hands and a huge grin formed on his face. Now just whom should he invite…?
For a moment he considered not inviting Bugs, just out of spite, but thought about it for a few moments longer. If he invited that jealous rabbit, then he would see first-hand just how successful he was and that Daffy’s Duck Butter was far superior than anything Bugs Bunny could ever hope to invent. Daffy chuckled evilly at that thought and got back inside his parade float. As he backed out, he ran over Trisha’s mailbox and then sped off, letters fluttering in his wake.
--
“G-Gee Bugs, it sure was g-gracious of you to come to D-Duh-Daffy’s acceptance of his award.” Porky said as he and Bugs took their seats in the front. “Aw come on, Pork. Daffy’s my best friend. Of course I would go to the award show. I mean, it’s not like I’m only here for some ulterior, sinister motive that will completely ruin Daffy’s business image and make sure no one will buy anything from him again.” Bugs replied, chuckling evilly.
Porky stared at Bugs for a moment before saying, “Yeah, I mean that would make you-”
“A total jerk? Nah, I think in this case it would be justified.” Someone interrupted.
Bugs and Porky turned to see Tina, who took a seat next to Bugs. “I only came because I heard the after-party for these things is pretty sick.” She explained. “Oh, I’m pretty sure the show itself is going to be very ‘sick’.” Bugs replied, chuckling again.
A few moments later, the lights dimmed and the announcer walked out on stage. Hours passed and many people received awards and gave speeches, until at last it was time to give out the ‘Best New Business’ award. Several businesses were nominated, but of course, Daffy’s was the one that won. Daffy walked out on stage in a snazzy two-piece suit, waving to the people in the crowd. To Bugs’ annoyance, he was certain that the wink Daffy gave was meant for him. Well, we’ll see whose laughing in the end…
Daffy approached the microphone and gave a winning smile to the crowd. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I started this company with a dream. That dream was: to sell butter. But not just any butter. Butter made with the finest ingredients, and especially with love. Yes, I love each and every one of you, and it was that love that I poured into each batch of my Duck Butter. Without you wonderful people and my brilliance, mostly my brilliance, my product would not be the success it is today.” Daffy paused for a moment before looking at Bugs and grinning smugly.
“Which is why right after the show, I’m giving away bottles of my Duck Butter to each and every one of you. Provided you buy nine bottles first.” The audience laughed at that and Daffy replied, “No, I’m serious.”
There was an awkward silence at that and the announcer quickly guided Daffy off the stage. The announcer chuckled awkwardly and said, “Okay, that’s it for this years Small Business Awards! I hope you all enjoyed it, including you viewers at home. Farewell every-“ The announcer was cut off by the doors at the back of the room being kicked open and men in suits walking in.
“No one move. We’re with the FDA.” One of the suited men said, flipping open a badge. “What do dentists have to do with an award show?” Daffy asked, clutching his award to his chest. The man raised a brow and replied, “We’re with the Food and Drug Administration. We received an anonymous tip that your, ‘Duck Butter’ is it? Your Duck Butter isn’t exactly what it claims to be.”
From their seats, Tina and Bugs gave each other a high-five.
The man then climbed onto the stage and took the microphone from the announcer, ignoring his noise of indignation. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to inform you that there will be no more Duck Butter. I’ll just be frank about it: what’s in those bottles is a natural ingredient of a sort, but not the kind you would expect.”
The man then turned to look at Daffy, who had been trying to slink off the stage with his award. “To bottle a bodily fluid and then attempt to sell it as food is not only disgusting, but also illegal. For that reason, we are confiscating all bottles of this product and not only giving you a hefty fine Mr. Duck, but you’re also going to jail.”
Two men in suits came and grabbed each of Daffy’s arms, forcing him to drop his award. The first suited man gave the microphone back to the announcer. “You can’t do this! I’m pretty sure this violates one of my rights!” The men began to lead Daffy out of the room and passed the table that held the jars of Duck Butter to be given out at the end of the show.
Daffy, having gained an idea wriggled out of their hold and grabbed one of the jars, running back to the middle of the room. He laughed and said, “Little did you know that one of these jars is actually…a smoke bomb!” He threw down the jar and instead of smoke pouring out of the jar, liquid hit everyone in the immediate area, including Daffy. Daffy looked at the mess for a moment before saying, “Maybe it’s a different jar. Let me try again.”
The two men quickly grabbed him again and dragged him out, Daffy kicking and screaming the entire way. “I can’t go back to prison! They’ll eat me alive in there! Bugs! Tina! Somebody!” Daffy yelled. He managed to grip the back of a chair with his feet, forcing the two men to pull harder to get him to let go. “All I wanted was to sell an affordable product to a demographic desperate for something new! Is that so wrong?”
“YES!” Tina and Bugs said, standing up.
The men finally succeeding in pulling Daffy free and carried him out of the room. The announcer stood dumbfounded on the stage before pulling a kerchief out of his pocket and wiping off the small stain on his pants leg. “Well. This was certainly an interesting award show this year, huh folks? Next year we will definitely screen our nominees and winners more finely, you can rest assured.” The announcer then put the microphone back in its stand and walked off, muttering to himself about finding a new job.
The remaining men in suits began putting the jars into special sealed containers and slapping a biohazard sign on them. While Tina and Bugs had matching smirks on their faces, Porky seemed a bit dejected. Bugs noticed and asked, “Pork, you can’t possibly be feeling bad for Daffy can you? This is the same guy who lied about needing an operation to buy a yacht.”
Porky perked up a bit at that. “You’re right. I can’t feel bad for Daffy. …Still, maybe I should send him a care package while he’s in jail. Anyway, I’ll see you guys later. I need to make sure I’m not going to get in trouble for helping with the labels.” Porky said, wandering off.
Bugs and Tina looked at each other and shook their heads. “Wanna do some Yoga?” “Eh, why not?” Bugs replied.
--
Daffy sighed despondently as he stared at the house arrest bracelet on his ankle. While he was glad he didn’t have to go to prison, being stuck in the house was a bit annoying. Sure, it wasn’t so bad the first few days, but once Bugs told him he wouldn’t be at his beck and call, things got really boring, really fast. How much was it to ask that Bugs run out and get him a burrito at one in the morning? He would probably maybe do that for Bugs if he asked. Maybe. He heard a knock at the door and got up off the couch, heading towards the door and opening it. Hopefully it was Porky bringing him the five-cheese omelet he wanted.
Daffy opened the door and then jumped in surprise. Granny giggled and said, “I know, my new hair seems to have surprised everyone.” Her hair currently reached her hips and the sunlight showed just how shiny and healthy it had become. “What are ya, Rapunzel now?” Daffy asked. Granny chuckled. “Of course not. I was wondering if you had any more of that Duck Butter. It tasted terrible, but it did wonders for my hair.” “Legally, I’m required to say that I can’t sell that stuff to anyone, anywhere, in perpetuity, whatever that means.” “Oh. Because I was hoping to get two more bottles and even brought over the forty dollars…”
“Forty dollars? One second.” Daffy slammed the door shut in Granny’s face and the old woman blinked. She waited patiently outside and as she waited, she heard Daffy and Bugs talking. There was a loud noise like someone getting hit with something and then the door reopened, this time with Bugs behind it. “Trust me: you don’t want what he’s selling. Try asking Tina for a good shampoo and conditioner; she went to cosmetology school for a while. Here.” Bugs said, handing her a slip of paper with Tina’s number on it. “Oh. Well, thank you dearie. By the way, do tell Daffy that he mislabeled his product. It’s more of a cream than a butter.” Granny said, walking back home. Not a moment later Daffy replied, “Creams are…for old people.” Bugs only shook his head and closed the door.
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Duck Butter