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A Birthday Wish	By : eoraptor Category: Kim Possible > General Views: 26702 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: Kim Possible property Walt Disney Company, I make no claims of ownership, Not-for-profit fan work

Chapter List
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Shego signaled for a longneck as she sat down in the Over 18 club’s bar, and turned to face Ron Stoppable, a smirk curling her lips. “So… yah fucked up on Kimmie huh?”
Ron, who had been sulking over his fruit cocktail all night, looked up, and then looked aghast . “She told you?! Man, it’s bad enough that Felix, Zita, and Mo won’t talk to me now, but she had to go and tell her worst enemy too? Darn it!”
“Hehehe” the pale woman chuckled slowly, accepting her beer. “I prefer to think of myself as her Best enemy, not her Worst.”
Sipping her beer a bit, and marveling that it wasn’t absolute swill, but a decent label, she shook her head and signaled for one to be brought to the down-trodden hero as well. “And she didn’t exactly tell me the story.”
“Then how do you know?” He sniffed and held his head in his hands.
“Because, if you hadn’t noticed, Doofus, Kimmie and I do a lot of talking when we fight; both with our mouths and with our bodies.” She rolled her eyes, as though that should be obvious to anyone with even one working eyeball in their head.
“Eww, that sounds like you two are… Oh Gawd! Don’t tell me THAT on top of everything else!” Ron nearly collapsed into the bartop as realization sat in.
“No you dipshit!” she smacked him lightly in the back of the head, “Not that I would kick her out of my bed for eating crackers, mind you… She’s probably one of the few people on Earth who could keep up with me in bed… The things that ass could do I just wonder…”
“Not helping here,” he growled softly and rubbed the back of his skull.
“Oh, sorry. It’s hard to hold a conversation that’s not about me. Anyways…” She took a pull of her beer, chuckling a bit to herself, “I knew something was up when she damned near took my head off while we were sparring last week, and I hadn’t even once mentioned that hideous orange tube top she was wearing.”
Ron just groaned and sucked down half the bottle of beer before he even realized he had grabbed it. He pulled a face and eyed the label archly, wondering how alcohol had ended up in a nineteen year old’s hand, but shrugged and decided it wasn’t bad. Especially if he had to put up with Shego droning on about her subtext with his girl-, no, his ex-girlfriend.
Shego, seeming to realize she was in danger of losing her impromptu audience, got back on track. “So, how bad a screw up we talking here? Forget her birthday bad, or accidentally microwaved her puppy bad?”
“No, and Ewww!” Ron made a face, and then sighed, playing with the lip of his mysterious beverage. “No… I didn’t just ‘fuck up’ on Kim, I kinda, sorta, accidentally… ‘fucked around’ on Kim.”
“Oooooohkay….” Shego arched a brow, setting her long-neck aside. “Keep in mind that this is coming from a Grade A criminal here… That’s some seriously evasive phrasing there, Blue Boy.”
“Huh?”
The emerald mercenary sighed. “Look, did you accidentally fall down a hill and roll to a stop to find your dick in someone?”
“What?! Uh… no.”
“Did you have a gun to your head at the time and were being told ‘screw this person or the world explodes’?”
“No!”
“Then you didn’t kinda sorta accidentally do anything, Doofus… You just plain fucked around on Kimmie.” Shego rolled her eyes and smacked the kid in the back of the head again. “God, kids these days!”
“Hey!” Ron whined at the physical and verbal abuse, before realizing whom it was coming from and that he should count himself lucky it was only this bad.
“Alright,” Shego sighed after a moment, swirling her beer and eyeing the woebegone teen, “I just happen to owe you and Kimmie both one debt of life, so let’s see if I can fix this shit. Now, start from the beginning… Whom did you ‘kinda sorta accidentally’ fuck?”
“Her cousin.”
“That pimply faced nerd who beat Dementor? God! Okay, you and Drew can deal with this shit, cause I am so not equipped to handle Butt Brigade stuff.” Shego threw up her hands and started to get off her stool.
“Eww No! Not Larry!” Ron made an equally stricken face, and then toned his voice down when he realized people were looking at them. “No… Her other Cousin…”
Shego looked around for a moment before sitting back down. She pursed her lips slightly, trying to puzzle this one out. “Her other… Wait a minute… the 12 year old?!”
“Shhhhh!!!!!” Ron flailed and gestured. After a long moment, he sighed, and realized that there was not much chance of privacy sitting at the bar. Giving up any pretense of secrecy and hoping no cops happened to be listening, he sighed and shook his head. “She’s fourteen now. And yes, that cousin.”
“Now I get the ‘kinda sorta accidentally shit,’ I wouldn’t want to admit I plowed Loli the mini-Pumpkin either.” Shego blew a breath and then took a sip of her beer.
“Hey!” Ron yelped, “It wasn’t like that.”
“No?” Shego challenged, “Then what was it like exactly? Cause from where I’m sitting, it’s like you screwed jailbait.”
“Okay…” he sighed, defeated, “It was exactly like that. But I’ll have you know she happens to be very mature for her age.”
“I don’t doubt it, Doofus.” She stated simply, finishing her beer and calling for another. “Not if she’s anything like the micro-Possible I remember. Still, doesn’t change the bare fact that she’s 14, does it? Or is she one of those unfortunate girls who got a 42-DD at thirteen?”
“No.” Ron shook his head, forced to confront the fact that Jocelyn Possible looked pretty much like what she was and he couldn’t go around claiming he was duped.
“Okay. Now that we got that out of the way,” Shego shot the bartender and a few others near by a look, indicating that this was not to leave the bar on pain of death, “Question number two… Do you want Kimmie back?”
“Yes!”
Shego watched him for any sort of waivering, if this was just an automatic and expected response, or if he really meant it. He didn’t look away.
“Okay.” She nodded, sipping her second drink. “So no feelings for the Lolita?”
“Other than shame and hatred and a little loathing?”
“You mean self-loathing? Because we already covered this ‘accidentally’ shit about three questions ago.”
Ron sighed and sucked at the lip of his bottle for a moment. Finally he shook his head. “No, I don’t feel romantically for her, if that’s what you’re asking. I don’t even like her right now.”
“Well I think that’s pretty one sided, but I’m your drinking buddy, not your therapist. I’m only concerned with getting you and Kimmie back to happy-land.” She snorted and wrapped her knuckles lightly on the bar top.
“So, oh great and powerful Shego, what would you suggest?” Ron sneered slightly at the more or less imposed aide.
“Mmmm, I like the sound of that,” Shego purred and grinned. Shaking her head, she readdressed Ron. “I take it you already tried hands and knees and foot kissing and the biggest bouquet of flowers you could afford?”
“So says the three hundred dollar debit on my bank account,” He sighed, dropping his head.
“Shiiiiiit,” Shego hissed, “Now that’s some professional level groveling.”
Ron merely nodded and nursed on the beer he was still strangely holding.
“Okay… Here’s the facts.” Shego shook her head to clear it of the image of what a $300 bouquet must look like. “Kim’s hurt, and she ain’t thinking clearly. She feels worthless, embarrassed, and utterly supplanted. Remember how you felt when Doctor D and I sicked that Syntho on her?”
Ron nodded slightly.
“Multiply that by one hundred and fifty.”
“Doh….!” Ron sighed and sank his head in his hands again.
“Good, now you’re actually starting to get it. Three Weeks.”
“Three weeks what?” Ron blinked, the beer half-raised to his lips to drown his sorrow.
“Three weeks from her learning what you did, to her figuring out it’s not her who’s worthless, tossed aside, and utterly unneeded; but that you and jailbait are totally at fault here and she starts thinking with a right head again.”
“Awww man!” the blond boy whined.
“Look, Stuffable! It’s not like you lost her contacts or crashed her car or or caught her parents hiding the Christmas presents. You fucked what, essentially, is a shorter, more nubile, sluttier version of Kimberella herself. She feels like she’s not good enough, and it’s going to take her a while to get over that shit. If she were a mere mortal, I’d say two months. But luckily for you she’s Kim Fucking Possible and she can do anything, including get her head out of her ass in record time.”
Shego was completely making this up as she went along, but hey, it all sounded right, and that was what was important, huh?
“Fine,” Ron bemoaned and finished off his beer. “And what, pray tell, do I do after three weeks?”
“Forget the fucking flowers, for one thing. No use putting a three hundred dollar weapon in her hand when you go to try again. Same goes for any jewelry. Kimmie doesn’t need some enragement ring reminding her of what you did every time she looks at it.” Shego nodded as she pondered her alcohol.
“Great, the only two weapons in my arsenal…”
“Hey, I don’t want to hear about your arsenal, we already went over that,” She smirked, and then clapped her hand on his back. “First, you make sure you meet up with her somewhere public. Does she still go to that toxic nacho place?”
“Bueno Nacho? Um… no, remember, it was destroyed in the invasion.”
“Mall?”
Ron nodded reluctantly.
“It’ll have to do. Second, no fucking marriage proposals. You’re apologizing for screwing her cousin, don’t compound it by chaining her down for the rest of her life on a whim.” She eyed him archly over the lip of her longneck. “Now… Repeat.”
“No flowers, no jewelry, no proposal.” He retorted in a huffy voice.
“Good. There may be hope for the male species yet. Now, tell me what you’re gonna say to her.”
“Uh….” He waffled for a long moment, earning an arched eyebrow from the green mean queen. “Kim, I’m sorry for what I did with Joss in Montana.”
“Ennnnnn! Wrong!” Shego made an obnoxious buzzer noise and smacked him in the head again. “I’m sorry for breaking Jimmy Toledo’s jaw in fifth grade. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it again in a heartbeat. You need Kim to believe you’d never do it again in a million years, that you know WHY it was a mistake in the first place, and that you understand how it made her feel.”
“But I do!” he protested, and then ducked another smack to the head.
“No, you don’t. Not until someone’s done it to you, you don’t.” She corrected him after her hand missed. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t make her believe you do.”
“…and you’d know that because?” He probed, eyeing her archly.
“Because I was once a nubile teen heroine too. But I was a bad assed nubile teen heroine,” She smirked at Ron and tilted her beer back before continuing, “Which means I fucked up a lot in the eyes of others. So I had to learn how to convincingly apologize even when I didn’t mean it.”
“And I’m taking advice from you… great!” Ron bemoaned into his folded hands and sagged visibly.
“Hey, you got other options?”
Indeed, he didn’t. Kim had told Felix, who in turn, had told Zita, what he’d done. Neither of them would speak to him. Monique knew pretty much the moment Kim knew, whenever that actually was, and had her nose so high in the air about it that Ron wasn’t sure she could see where she was walking. He didn’t need a degree in Eastern Studies to know what Yori or Master Sensei would have to say about it if or when they knew, either. Something along the lines of ‘It is your honor to commit seppuku with a rusty spork to atone for your misdeeds.’
Shuddering at that thought, Ron sighed and resigned himself to Shego’s advice. “So what would you suggest, oh bad assed one?”
“I love these names, Stoppable, but hu-uh… She’ll smell my words from a mile away. I told you already that Princess and I communicate on levels you couldn't begin to understand.” Shego shook her head as she polished off the second beer. “This has to come from you.”
“How about… Kim, I don’t love Joss, I love you… What I did was a stupid mistake and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I’l- Gah I don’t know!” He huffed and his practice apology ground to a stop.
Shego smirked softly and waived off the offer of another longneck. “Was what you did a Mistake, Doofus? Was it like putting the left shoe on the right foot or jamming your house key in your moped’s ignition. Hmmm, actually both of those are nice euphemisms in this case…”
“No!” He griped, and then realized what Shego was getting at. “Okay… Um… Kim… What I did was stupid, and selfish, and totally wrong and harsh and I would understand if you never forgave me in a million million years.”
“Better…” She purred and nodded, “like I said, there may be hope yet. Now, you’ll have to figure out the rest on your own. I have a two drinks and one loser limit, and I’ve reached them both.”
Rising from her stool, she patted Ron on the shoulder. “Look, even if Pumpkin won’t take your worthless ass back, think of it this way; you got two very memorable life lessons out of this…”
Ron blinked, and then looked up at Shego in confusion, “Um…. If losing something you love is the first, what’s the second?”
“Well, depending on how this turns out, it’s either listen to your friendly neighborhood mercenary, or really good fourteen year old pussy can only get you arrested if you get caught.” With a wicked smirk, Shego strutted out of the club.
------
Walking down the street, Shego slipped into the local coffee shop and slid into a booth. Across from her, her booth-mate sat down her ‘Human’ magazine and arched a delicately plucked dark brown brow curiously. “Did you do it?”
“I did. I think he even paid attention,” She tossed off casually as she picked up a pistachio biscotti and dipped it into the girl’s coffee.
Smiling, Monique chuckled. “He’s not as dumb as he puts on, you know. So, what all did you tell him?”
“Well, I made sure he knew he was responsible for what he did, and then told him to make Kimmie believe him when he apologized.”
“And you told him to dump the flowers?”
“Yeah,” She snorted slightly, shaking her head, “Even though I think he deserves to get clubbed with a dozen roses as much as the next girl would. I did warn him about the jewely though.”
“Good, I don’t want my baby boy losing an eye because Kim turns that ring around on her finger and slaps him with it.” Monique shook her head, sighing with relief.
“That ring huh? He already has one then?”
“Yup,” the darker skinned girl’s eyes sparkled slightly at the romance, ill-timed though it might be. “He’s had it since just after graduation.”
“Man, that blue balled doofus really screwed up.” Shego leaned back and rolled her eyes, amazed at the situation as she nibbled at her purloined treat.
“Mmmhmm.”
“Not that I totally blame him, though…”
Her response was an imperiously arched brow which lasted an uncomfortably long moment. Finally, she deigned to explain herself.
“Look. Not like he’s blameless here. Like I told him, it’s not like he rolled down a hill and just found his dick in her.” A quick bark of laughter interrupted her and she smirked at Monique’s amusement before continuing, “But let’s look at it from his point of view.”
Pausing to also sip Monique’s heavily creamed coffee, she continued, “He’s a healthy, handsome, somewhat horny boy who’s not getting it at home from what I can gather. You throw at him a slender, nubile, equally horny young girl who thinks the sun rises and sets around him… when it clearly rises and sets around me…”
She was met with another arched eyebrow, but a humored one, and grinned, sipping the stolen coffee brazenly, “And one who is fairly smart, and obviously knows how to get what she wants from a boy when she puts her mind to it… Plus, she’s someone he otherwise trusts and likes quite a bit anyway, and well…”
Pursing her lips softly, Monique eyed the mercenary sitting across from her archly, and then sighed, relenting to the case presented. “Yeah, I know he’s not entirely a heartless bastard in this either.”
“Honestly, Kimmie’s lucky this hasn’t happened already, and that it was a stupid little girl who did it. He’s in demand as it is, like all nice guys who’ve saved the world a few times… Now if it was someone cunning enough to wrap the dork around her finger instead of just gush all over him, different story and much less happy ending. If it were me who’d gotten him, he’d still be chained to the wall in my bedroom, and he’d be thinking it was exactly what he wanted for the rest of his life.” She smirked, chuckling darkly as she leaned back and stretched in the booth, demonstrating what she had to offer with her pose.
“Mmmhmm…” Monique chuckled as well, shaking her head at that image. “Luckily for the rest of us, you prefer a slightly more wicked playmate, huh?”
Grinning, Shego leaned across the booth, kissing Monique lightly on the cheek and giving her back her coffee. “You better believe it, Mocha My Heart.”
Sitting back, she sighed gently and tapped her nails against the table top, “Now, what about Jocelyn. If she’s not just all puppy dog over him, this could totally go all Fatal Attraction on our intrepid heroes down the road.”
“I been thinking about that,” Monique pursed her lips softly. I talked to Joss. Fortunately she doesn’t know me from Eve.”
“And just when did you have time to fly to Montana?” Shego arched her brow this time, snatching away Monique’s coffee to prompt an answer.
“Last week, while you and Kim were doing your ‘we ain’t gay’ dance in Nevada.” She shot back with a smirk, and retrieved her drink. “Incidentally, I saw the video… remind me never to piss Kim off.”
“That was nothing,” Shego quipped, signaling a waitress, “You shoulda seen her in New Mexico when I made out with her android.”
Rolling her dark eyes, Monique smirked, “Sometimes I’m really glad I’m just a civilian.”
“Says the girl with the police uniform in her closet,” supplied Shego with a dark grin.
“Says the girl who pretends she doesn’t love every moment of being handcuffed to my convertible.” Monique shot right back before sitting back. “Anyway… I pretended to bump into her in Bozeman at the mall. I chatter her up… She’s at that age you know, loves praise from adults and wants to be one.”
“I know it well,” Shego sighed softly, her eyes glazing over for just a second.
“Yeah… bet you do.” Monique grinned, and pointed at her coffee, and then at Shego when the waitress arrived before continuing, “Anyways, she was more than happy to go on about how she knew the great world hero Ron Stoppable. Of course she didn’t share how she’d recently screwed him, but yeah, we already knew that.”
“So anyways, I asked her about Kim, and how she thought she’d feel if someone stole Ron away from her, and she got that look in her eyes…”
“That look?” Shego probed after a moment watching the barista mix her coffee.
“Yeah, you know, the look of someone who suddenly realizes they did a bad thing and will regret it very shortly?”
“Nope, not a look I know,” Shego grinned wickedly. “But please, go on.”
Rolling her eyes theatrically, Monique laughed and continued. “Anyway, I think, even if she does like Ron more than some little puppy dog crush, that she’s a good girl, and will figure out to let it be. If not, I’ve still got Wade keeping her busy with some kiddy level missions. At least, that’s what he calls them.”
“Good.” Shego nodded, sitting back from her elbows when her coffee arrived. “Yori figured it out too… but that’s not one conversation I want to have to repeat.”
“Yeah, and at least we got to Yori before she lured Ron into a cave and presented her lotus to him.” Monique laughed softly and dipped her already-chewed biscotti into her drink.
“God, the things we do for friends, huh?” Shego bemoaned softly and smiled, reaching out to squeeze Monique’s fingers. “Speaking of which, when can we tell them about us?”
The chocolate-themed girl rolled her eyes again and laughed softly, “Tell them what? We been together over a year now, and Miss I-can-do-anything and Mister Ultimate-Monkey-Master can’t figure out why I keep a pair of green pantyhose in my locker, and why you and Drakken ain’t doing the horizontal mambo in that lair of yours. Let ‘em figure it out themselves, if they ever can.”
Shego grinned and sipped her coffee as she admired the dark girl who had sent her on her mission, “Civilian my ass, we’ll make a criminal mastermind of you yet.”
“Don’t talk to me about your ass, girl… You know what that does to me. Now, shall it be The Supreme One and her helpless rebel leader prisoner tonight?”
Shego smirked and inclined her head, “How about… The intrepid cheerleading hero and the evil scientist?”
“And you say you’re not totally gay for Kim…” Monique drolled.
“Who said you were going to be the cheerleader?” Shego growled softly and licked her lips.
“Check please!”
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A Birthday Wish