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The Parasol of Prettiness	By : radatrix Category: +S through Z > Xiaolin Showdown Views: 4782 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xiaolin Showdown, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-The Parasol of Prettiness
- 2-Chapter 2
- 1
- 2
Jack wailed loudly. His entire world had crumbled before him. His two newborn babies were gone, stolen by Hannibal Roy Bean. Something was wrong with Omi, he was just sitting there motionless. Also, that great wall he had whitewashed just last month was now in smithereens. Clay came running in, robe open, pectorals heaving.

"What happened in here? Looks worse than a dust storm at a pie-eatin' contest," Clay shellacked.

"Hannibal Roy Bean stole my babies," Jack cried obnoxiously.

"What's wrong with Omi?" Clay asked.

"I don't know, he's frozen or something."

"Frozen? We'd better take him to Master Fung. He'll know what to do."

"But what about my babies?"

"Once we defrost Omi or something we can worry about getting your lil' chitlins back."

"But I'm worrying about it now!"

"Look, my slow Texan brain can only worry about one thing at once, and right now that's Omi.”

"Fine, let's go to Master Fung."

Clay picked up the statuesque Omi with one arm and the whimpering Jack with the other. That was one of the advantages of being twice the mass of all of his peers — the ability to pick them up and transport them. They burst into Master Fung's meditation room to find him upside down and twisted in half. "Master Fung?" Clay asked.

"THAT AWFUL BEAN STOLE MY BABIES!" Jack wailed.

Master Fung reoriented himself into a slightly less awkward yoga position, but Jack still found it difficult to have a conversation with someone doing Downward Dog the whole time. Master Fung spoke. "Hannibal Roy Bean is a force to be reckoned with for sure, but all of us working together will surely be able to defeat him."

"But, sir," Clay interjected, "Omi's frozen. Look at him."

Master Fung looked at him.

"There is only one thing to do, young monk (and also Jack Spicer)," the wise Xiaolin master counseled. "We must determine why Hannibal Roy Bean has kidnapped Jack Spicer's offspring, where he is, and what measures it will take to defeat him. But we cannot do this while Omi is frozen."

"Excuse me!" Jack interjected, throwing his arms in the air like he just didn't care, which he didn't. "I don't care what we can't do when Omi is frozen. That little bowling ball isn't going to stand in the way of me getting my babies back."

"I thought you and Omi had something special together, partner," Clay remarked.

"Ugh," Jack gasped, exasperated. "I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I just thought he'd be easy to mooch off of while I got back on my feet with the kids." Thinking of his kids made Jack a little teary-eyed. "Poor little Chase Jr. and Wonton! I bet they miss their mommy right now." At this, Jack fell on the floor sobbing. "It's not fair!" he moaned. "Why does everything always happen to me?"

Master Fung untwisted himself and looked up at Clay. "Perhaps you should meet with Raimundo and Kimiko and formulate a plan." Clay nodded.

~

"So," said Raimundo. "Let me get this straight: Hannibal blaster through the temple wall, grabbed the babies, and left?"

"Uh huh," said Jack.

"And now Omi's frozen?" Kimiko chimed in. "Is there a Shen Gong Wu that can do that?"

"The Sapphire Dragon doesn't freeze people, but turns them to sapphire," Raimundo suggested.

"Do ya'll think Omi could be frozen in sapphire?" Clay wanted to know.

"It's possible, but not probable," Kimiko concluded. "We've had possession of that Wu forever."

"Well," Jack interrupted, getting annoyed that no on was paying attention to him. "There's no other known Shen Gong Wu that can freeze a person. And since Omi is frozen, by logic it seems that either Hannibal has gotten into your vault and used the Sapphire Dragon to freeze the little cheese puff, or he's using an alternate method. Right? Gosh, I'm so sick of being the smartest person in the room."

~

Meanwhile, Hannibal Roy Bean had absconded with the tiny twins. They were nestled in the warm bottom feathers of Hannibal's favorite avian vehicle, a pelican.

"Oh, my little pretties," he cooed at little Chase Jr. and Won Ton. "Little do you know what an important part you are in my master plan." He then began to laugh maniacally. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Chase Young will soon be my evil servant. Again, that is. I think. I actually don't remember. It's been such a long time."

"Indeed," said Wuya from behind him.

"Wuya! What are you doing here?" Hannibal sprouted.

"Don't worry. I'm not here to ruin your evil little plan," Wuya sneered. "I'm here because I wanted to see Jack's despicable little runts."

"Why ever would that be?"

"Well, I want to know if the Parasol of Prettiness causes any birth deformities. It will be hard to tell any genetic abnormalities apart from Jack's genes, though."

"You'll just have to do your best."

"Yes, my little girl is going to rule the world one day," Wuya said.

"A little girl? How do you know that? Some special Shen Gon Wu?" Bean asked.

"No, you little pea. It's called an ultrasound." She rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, you can see the children. They have ten fingers and ten toes. I don't think the Parasol of Prettiness had any adverse effects."

"No, I guess not. So, out of pure curiosity, what are you planning on doing with them? You're not planning on raising them as your own?"

"Oh, heavens no." Hannibal replied, waving his vine-arms in the air dramatically.

"So?"

"Well," the bean drawled. "First I thought I'd send Chase a nasty note, 'I've stolen your children' and such."

"Uh huh."

"Then, why not sell 'em to the circus? I figure, circus could use some little runts to train up good as acrobats."

"What makes you think Jack Spicer's offspring would be successful acrobats?"

"Have you ever seen him figure skate? He's quite graceful."

"Yes, once, during a Showdown. Poor thing, I don't think he'll be figure skating ever again. Twins are a bitch. His figure is probably ruined."

"Just another upside of my evil scheme," Bean continued. "So, after I sell them to the circus, I'll use the money to send Chase a singing telegram, 'I've sold your children to the circus.' By this time, Chase ought'n t'be hopping mad, or at least murderously annoyed. So he'll call me up and say, 'You treacherous little imbecile, you sold my children to the circus.' And I will say yes, yes I did. And that's when he'll come attack me with his precious jungle cats. Little does he know I'm also planning to sell them to the circus. Then, left with nothing and no allies, I can finally defeat Chase Young, or convince him to join me, or whatever the end result of this preciously back-asswards schemin' is supposed to be."

"What a brilliantly backward scheme, Hannibal!" Wuya crowed. "It makes no sense whatsoever, and yet it is undoubtedly satisfyingly evil."

"I know, I know," Hannibal Bean clucked. "It's true. I am the greatest."

~

Meanwhile, Jack was frantic with grief. The bumbling monks seemed to be no help whatsoever. Especially Omi, on whom he had depended for so long. Omi just sat there staring into space. So far the other monks had concluded that he wasn't made out of sapphire and he wasn't just being lazy. Omi was just mysteriously frozen, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

"Can't we just leave him here and go find Chase Jr. and Wonton without him?" Jack asked, his eyes bloodshot, which looked really gross because they were already red.

"Absolutely not!" Kimiko insisted.

"Well, can we stop pondering why he's frozen for five minutes and eat? I just gave birth! I'm starving," Jack snippped back, caressing his still enlarged midsection.

"Want a churro?" Raimundo asked, generously offering a piece of fried dough.

"I'm so sick of you and your churros, Raimundo," Jack screamed while stuffing the churro suggestively down his throat.

"Ew," said Master Fung.

"I think I may know the answer," said that stupid dragon thing.

"What is it, Dojo Kanojo Cho?" Kimiko asked.

"Well, there is a Shen Gong Wu that just revealed itself that would cause this sort of effect," Dojo replied.

"But if it just revealed itself, how does Admiral Corporal Bean already have it?" Clay asked.

"It's Hannibal Roy Bean, you dolt," Jack undercut.

"Hannibal must have some sort of time traveling device!" Kimiko offered.

"Well, we've got to get the Freezey Skeezey from Hannibal in order to reverse its effects on Omi," Dojo replied.

"Can we get my two newborn babes back in the meantime?" Jack asked.

"Maybe," said Master Fung, that jerk.

"There's still one problem," Dojo sighed.

"What's that, partner?" Clay fumbled for a turnover.

"We don't just need the Freezey Skeezey to reverse its effects on Omi," the dragon sighed ominously.

"We also need the Reversing Mirror!" Kimiko figured out, glad to finally be of some use.

"That's right," Raimundo completed halfhearted. "And yet, Wuya's had that Wu for ages." He was beaming like an idiot. Everyone in the room gave him an expectant look. "Um ... amigos," he added sheepishly.

"Okay!" Jack cried. "This is great shit! Let's go after Wuya."

"First we need a plan," Kimiko interjected.

"What is with you losers and your planning? When I do something, I just do it. I'm like Nike. Or a really effective politician."

"Shut up, Jack," Kimiko retorted. "Maybe all of your plans suck and you fail at life because you don't think anything through."

"Hey, I'm great," said Jack. "And that might be true. But it's not. And even if it is, you're all missing the most important point."

"What's that?" all three human dragons and the dragon dragon asked together.

"I WANT MY FUCKING KIDS BACK!" Jack screamed. Then he burst into tears.

~

Chase Young was busy working on his taxes when one of his jungle cat warriors (in jungle cat form) approached with something in its mouth. "Just wait right there a moment," he growled at it. "Let's see. Can I claim Spicer's little brats as dependents if I'm not paying to raise them, and they don't live with me? Is that legal?" The cat shrugged. "Well, I think I will. Stealing from the government is so ... EVIL." Chase checked off a box on the form he was filling out, and scribbled something down. "Excellent. Now, what's this you have for me?"

The cat gave Chase the envelope in its mouth, which was disgustingly soggy with cat saliva. He opened up the envelope and mumbled aloud unintelligibly while he read to himself, as was his annoying habit.

"I can't believe this!" Chase grinned wildly. "I've been accepted to Julliard! I can finally fulfill my dream of being a world class oboist! Forget you, jungle cats!" The jungle cats frowned. Chase grabbed his oboe case and ran off to New York. Little did he know that the letter from Julliard was a fake. It was all a plan concocted by his arch-nemesis, Hannibal Roy Bea, to get him out of the way. What he had told Wuya was actually only a half-truth. He did plan on selling the babies to the circus, but telling Chase about their disappearance was not part of his evil plan. He knew Chase just wouldn't care.

~

By the time Jack and his crew of miscreant monks arrived to enlist Chase's help in the recovery of little Chase Jr. and Won Ton he was nowhere to be found. At that very moment he was currently entering the Julliard admissions department which he would later leave soaked in the blood of admissions officers.

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Jack asked his comrades, "Without Chase's help how will we ever get the reversing mirror from Wuya and the Freezy Skeezy from Hannibal Roy Bean?"

"Why don't you ask Wuya to borrow the reversing mirror? You and her used to be chummy and I'm sure she'll be sympathetic now that she's a mommy too," Kimiko suggested.

"I guess it's worth a try, Jack answered. "She's just such a bitch, I doubt she'll help us."

~

A little girl that was born only a few days before. Little Tako was everything to Wuya, the center of her universe. When the Xiaolin monks (minus Omi and plus Jack Spicer) sauntered through Chase's palace looking for Wuya, they found her lazing about on the dragon lord's throne, doing a sudoku and humming along to Cheap Trick.

"This is what you do on your days off?" Jack asked, arms on his newly enormous child-bearing hips.

"I just had a baby," Wuya explained in her sexily deep voice.

"Oh, yeah?" Jack cocked an eyebrow. "That makes two of us."

"Don't look at me," Kimiko said stupidly. "Oh, right, Jack had a baby. How could I have forgotten about that important plot point?"

"I know I never will," Jack sighed. "This inability to relax is just awful." Clay and Raimundo inched away from Jack slowly, wanting to distance themselves from the humiliation of being associated with Jack Spicer, evil androgynous trainwreck.

"Enough of this boobery!" Wuya snapped. With a wave of her hand, several rock creatures emerged from the ground. "Tell me why you've come, and perhaps I'll spare your lives."

At this point, Raimundo decided to speak up, since he was leader and all. Also, he and Wuya hooked up once. It was awkward for a while, but now they were cool. "We believe Hannibal Bean is on the loose, and that he's frozen Omi, and—"

"—and he stole my babies!" Jack screeched.

"How tragic," Wuya sneered, sitting upright in her throne.

"We shouldn't have expected this no-good dirty witch to help us," Clay sassed, crossing his arms.

"You haven't even told me what you want yet."

"Oh, right," Raimundo said. "We need to borrow the Reversing Mirror."

"What for?" Wuya asked suspiciously.

"Does no one care about my children?" Jack asked, smearing some tears across his cheek, which left an attractive black smudge because he insisted on never appearing in public without makeup for some reason.

"Why do you care about getting back your damn children?" Kimiko asked. "Omi is frozen!"

"To hell with Omi!" Jack cried. "I want my babies! They're all I have!" With that, he burst into tears.

"Sorry," Raimundo interjected. "He's been doing that all day."

"I reckon more like the last ninth months," Clay suggested.

"Well, we can't have him crying like that, can we?" Wuya stood up. "Jack! You sniveling boy, get up!" Jack looked up at Wuya and sniffed. "I am willing to assist you all."

"Really?" Kimiko beamed. "That's awesome, thanks!"

"Can we have the Mirror now?" Rai asked, palm open.

"Fool!" Wuya cried. "Did you really think I would give you one of my Shen Gong Wu without asking for something in return?"

"Well, maybe. We'd do it for you." Kimiko responded.

"That is because you are foolish young monks who have not yet learned the most important life lesson of all: Trust no one," Wuya scolded. "Now, I will gladly lend you the use of the Reversing Mirror in exchange for one — well … two very small things."

"It's yours, whatever it is!" Raimundo announced desperately.

"I want Jack's children."

"WHAT!?" Jack screamed.

"My little Tako needs some playmates, and who better than her little half brothers?"

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY CHILDREN!" Jack screamed desperately, "Oh! You are so evil!"

Wuya calmly replied, "You were once evil yourself, and look at you now: a sniveling pile of dirty black clothes begging to borrow one of my Shen Gong Wu."

Jack picked himself up off the floor where he had been whimpering, "If you were more observant you would notice that I don't care about that stupid Shen Gong Wu. Omi can stay frozen forever for all I care. All I want is my children back."

"Well then maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. Jack, are you willing to rejoin the Heylin side and take care of Hannibal Roy Bean with me?" Wuya asked.

"Jack! Don't! You're one of us now!" Raimundo shouted.

Jack looked at Raimundo, fleetingly remembering the gargantuan proportions of his member. Then he looked at Wuya, who seemed to have all of the power in this situation. "Screw you losers! I'm going back to being evil. It suited me better anyway."

Everyone seemed really surprised, even though Jack seemed to switch from evil to good and then back to evil again almost every week. Wuya set her stone monsters on the monks who were chased away in a cloud of dust.

~

The Xiaolin monks — minus Omi, and plus several gaping wounds in their tender young flesh — were huddled in the darkness of the cave, sheltered from the raging storm outside only by the fire Kimiko had started to keep herself warm. Frankly, Clay and Raimundo getting warm didn't matter to her at all, but if they were the recipients of some residual warmth from the fire anyway, that also didn't bother her.

"Okay, I think we've lost the rock creatures," Raimundo announced. "They're powerful, but they're not very smart. It's a good thing Wuya can't create artificial intelligence like Jack can."

"Yeah, but now that that dirty rascal's on her side, who knows what rotten schemes they'll come up with?"

"That's true," Kimiko threw in as she fiddled with the zipper on her bright orange vest. "And with Chase as well, and without Omi to help us, the Heylin side will be practically undefeatable!" All three monks were very glum about this.

"Rai, you're leader," Clay said slowly because his thick Texan brain couldn't deal with thinking too quickly. "Got any ideas for how to get us out of this mess?"

"Well," Rai began. "Since we no longer have to worry about getting back Jack's kids, we only need to worry about Omi."

"But we need the Reversing Mirror for that, and Wuya's made it plain she's not interested in helping us," Clay countered.

"Not unless we have something she wants," Kimiko announced. "And what's more important to Wuya than anything else?"

"Shen Gong Wu?" Raimundo asked.

"Bacon?" Clay guessed.

"What? No, you boys are stupid." They both stared at her blankly. "Her daughter! If we kidnap the baby, we can use it as a bargaining chip to get the Reversing Mirror."

"Isn't that pretty evil?" Clay asked.

"I admit, it sounds dirty," Raimundo conceded. "But we're the good guys. We're not going to hurt the baby. Besides, sometimes to defeat evil, you have to think like evil."

~

Back at Chase Young's lair, Wuya was introducing Jack to baby Tako. "Isn't she great?" Wuya asked, arms crossed.

"I wish I had my babies," Jack sniffed. "When will Chase get here to help me get my babies?"

"Yes, yes, about that," Wuya said, putting the baby back down in her crib. "It seems that I've ... accidentally secretly allied myself with Hannibal."

"What?!" Jack cried. "Does Chase know?"

"No, and I'd prefer it if he didn't find out."

"So what do you need from me?"

"I need you to help me think of a way to rid this franchise of that anthropomorphic legume forever."

"And just how am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know," Wuya shrugged. "You're the genius. Think of something. That is, if you even want to see your children again."

"Oh, this is going to suck. I was going to start doing pilates this week. I need to get off this pregnancy weight."

"Um," Wuya had to think of something quickly. "Whatever are you talking about? It looks good on you."

"You really think so?"

"Uh, yeah, you totally have a glow. Now get to work on a device that will defeat Hannibal Bean!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Don't call me that."

"Fine, but I can't get into my laboratory anymore. My parents took my key."

"That's just fine. Chase has a laboratory you can use."

"I'm going to need to build a lot of Jack-bots in order to defeat that infamous bean."

"Those things never work, Jack."

"Well neither do your stupid Pet Rocks!"

"Shut up, you miserable wretch," Wuya shouted, slapping him on the head. "With my stone monsters and your pathetic Jack-bots we should stand a fighting chance."

"Let's get to work," Jack said, rubbing his head.

Just then Chase Young stormed back into his lair. He let out a loud angry roar. Upon seeing Wuya lounging on his thrown and a quivering Jack standing in front of her he let out a low growl. "WHAT IS THIS MORON DOING HERE?"

"His babies got stolen by Bean. He's rejoined the evil side," Wuya answered. Jack just stood there quivering even more.

"Ugh, we don't want him," Chase rolled his eyes.

Wuya looked at him disapprovingly, "I think he may be of use to us Chase."

"Whatever, I need to go practice my saxophone," Chase said.

"Oh? I thought you played the cello?" Jack asked meekly.

"I also play the saxophone," Chase said glumly, marching off to his music room.

~

The monks crept through the hallways of Chase Young's evil lair, searching for a nursery or a crib or something. "If you were Chase and/or Wuya," Raimundo began, "where would you keep a baby?"

"Hey," Kimiko interjected. "Do you guys hear something?"

"I reckon it sounds like a saxophone," Clay reckoned.

"Ai ai ai," Raimundo sighed. "We don't have for this. Let's split up. Clay, you go this way." Raimundo indicated a hallway. "I'll go this way." He pointed down another corridor. "Kimiko, you stand guard here. If anyone comes down the hallway, stop them. Okay, everyone? Good. Break." Raimundo threw on the Shroud of Shadows and Clay transformed using the Manchurian Musca.

~

"Chase!" Wuya screamed, tearing into Chase's practice room. The evil lizard was banging out a jazzy tune on the piano.

"What?" he growled, pummeling the keys with much hatred. "This had better be of the utmost importance."

"Tako is gone!" Wuya cried.

"What?" The Heylin witch nodded solemnly. "When it was just Jack Spicer's children, I didn't care. But if that miserable vegetative excuse for a villain thinks he can steal all of my children and get away with it, he's got another thing coming. No one steals from Chase Young — no one!" Chase transformed into a lizard and smashed the grand piano to bits, letting out an insane roar.

~

Jack was sitting in the lab by himself, fiddling with some JackBots. He hadn't built one for a long time, but he didn't think he was too rusty. "Not shoddy at all," Jack said to himself, activating the robot. The mechanical being sprang to life, beginning to hover a few feet above the table on which it formerly rested.

"Hello, master," it automated.

"JackBot," Jack commanded. "Begin program alpha-theta-omega: Seek and destroy Hannibal Roy Bean." Jack thought for a moment. "But not the babies! If he has babies with him, save those babies. And bring them to me!"

"As you wish, master."

"And also, if you have time," Jack added wearily, "bring me a breast pump."

~

"Oh wow," said Wuya watching from behind.

"Hey!" shouted Jack. "Can't a man have some privacy here?"

"No, absolutely not," Chase snapped, jumping from the ceiling.

"We now have renewed urgency in our mission," said Wuya. "Bean has taken my little Tako! We must go immediately and demand her back!"

"What about my children?" Jack asked pathetically.

~

Meanwhile, the monks were back in their temple trying to calm the collicky Tako.

"I don't remember tacos screaming this much in Brazil!" exclaimed Raimundo.

"You had tacos in Brazil?" asked Clay doubtfully.

"Yeah, sure, at Taco Bell," Raimundo shot back.

"Oh my god! Clay, make that baby stop crying!" Kimiko screamed annoyingly. "I'm trying to curl my eyelashes here."

Just then Dojo drifted in. "What is that racket?" he asked, voice cracking slightly.

"We stole Wuya's baby and now it won't shut up." Kimiko snapped angrily.

"This is not good! She's going to be pissed," responded Dojo.

Dojo took the baby and started rocking it in the air. Somehow he materialized a pacifier and stuck it in little Tako's gaping mouth, which seemed to shut it up ... for now.

"We need to send a messenger to Chase's lair and let our demands be known," Raimundo said.

"Let's send Omi," offered Kimiko.

"Just for that, you're going, Kimiko," Dojo added.

"Shit!"

"Here, you can use the Manchurian Musca," said Clay, offering the Shen Gong Wu to an unwilling Kimiko who took it and took off back to Chase's lair.

~

Wuya, Chase, and Jack Spicer were all bent over Chase's orb, trying to determine the location of Hannibal Roy Bean. Everyone knew he had Jack's children because Jack had seen that crime take place right before his eyes. Now, however, it seemed he had also stolen darling little Tako.

"That foul cretin!" Chase bellowed, honing in on Bean's location. "If he thinks he can steal all of my children—"

"And mine," Jack squeaked out.

"—even ones I don't like," Chase continued, giving Jack a deathly glare, "he's going to be sorely surprised when he learns not to mess with the likes of me!"

"And me!" Wuya added, laughing insanely and reaching toward the sky as green bolts of energy shot from her fingertips.

"And me!" Jack added, attempting to do some sort of triple-lutz-type move, but being as out of shape as he was, he just landed flat on his face a few feet away from Chase, Wuya, and the Palantir/Mirror of Erised/Eye Spy orb/whatever.

"Spicer!" Chase barked. "If you are intending to come with us on this mission, you have another thing coming."

"But," Jack sniffed, hoisting himself up off of the ground and stumbling up on his feet like a baby ostrich.

"No buts, Jack," Wuya grimaced. "You weren't exactly bringing your A-game before you got knocked up, but now..."

"Now what?" Jack cried.

"Well, now you're just sad."

"I thought I was 'just sad' before."

"Well, you were just sad then, but now I guess you're..." Wuya thought for a moment. "Just sadder," she concluded, flashing a bit of fang from behind her curved smile.

"Needless to say, you will not be accompanying us on our mission to rid the world of that useless little insult to the Heylin side," Chase said firmly, arms akimbo as they so frequently were.

"But," Jack sniveled again.

"No buts," Chase said harshly, as Jack noticed that several jungle cats were closing in around him. "Sphere of Yun!"

Jack found himself imprisoned in an energy field. He began to sweat, and it occurred to him that he should probably check his makeup. "But, you guys will get my kids for me, right? Right?" In a puff of smoke and sinister laughter, Jack Spicer saw Chase Young and Wuya disappear, presumably to hunt after their daughter. "They wouldn't let the Jack-man down," Jack said to himself, but deep within his very core he knew they really, really would. Giving up hope, he curled up inside of the Sphere and began to weep.

Why was Jack always getting himself imprisoned inside spheres? This really was becoming a problem. Because it happened so frequently, however, he was very good at getting himself out of them. He stood up with one foot on either side of the sphere and started rocking like some severely autistic child. The sphere began rocking with him. Only a little at first, because it was quite heavy, but increasingly more until it began to roll on its own, spinning Jack around like he was some awful salad in a salad spinner.

Jack had aimed the sphere at a big stone staircase that led down to a dungeon. The floors in Chase's pad were a little slanty because of their great age, so the sphere began to pick up speed as it approached the stairs. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed as the sphere went tumbling down the stairs. It landed at the bottom with a big crash. It didn't break, as Jack had hoped, and instead kept rolling. 'Shit,' Jack thought, as he began to feel increasingly nauseated. Onward the sphere rolled until it rolled right into an open cell where it crashed into an open cell, slamming into the wall shattering the sphere.

As Jack picked his crumpled self off of the cold stone floor he watched the cell door swing shut, locking itself ominously. 'How am I going to get myself out of this one?' he asked himself as he walked over to examine the ancient door for any weaknesses. 'Just my luck,' he thought as he discovered there were none. Fortunately, he held concealed in his jacket a very handy Shen Gong Wu.

~

"Hannibal Roy Bean!" Chase shouted, catching the mutated legume's attention.

"Chase, my boy!" the bean responded. "Moby Morpher!" He grew to several thousands of times his size. "How nice of you to show up. And you brought my favorite showgirl along for the ride."

"How perfectly flattering of you," Wuya purred. "But we're not here on a social call."

"Well, to what do I owe the pleasure of your unexpected company?"

"We believe you have something that belongs to us," Chase drawled, hands on his hips like usual. "And if you don't return her immediately, you can say goodbye to your precious pet."

Wuya snapped her fingers and suddenly, she was holding the Ying-Yang bird.

"Ying Ying!" Hannibal cried. "Really, madam, all this fuss over Jack Spicer's miserable runts? How uncharacteristically noble of you."

"Spicer's children?" Chase asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, we're here for Tako."

"Tako? What, you mean your baby?"

"Yes, my baby!" Wuya screeched. "Where is she? If I'm not holding her in 30 seconds, my god, I'll squish you like the little bean you are!"

"This is all a crazy misunderstanding," Hannibal drawled. "I haven't got your little Tako."

"You don't?" Wuya asked.

"Sorry," Hannibal shrugged.

"Well, would you mind telling us who might?" Chase pressed.

"I couldn't possibly," he began. "Unless it's one of your numerous other enemies."

"Other enemies?" Wuya asked.

"Oh, you know, there's four of them, live in a temple..."

"You're not seriously suggesting the monks have stolen my daughter..." Wuya drawled.

"Would you put it past them?"

Chase, who had been thinking silently for a moment with his eyes closed, opened his eyes. "All right, Wuya, release the bird."

"But I was so going to enjoy squishing it!"

"Do as I say!" She did so.

"Thank you, Hannibal Bean. For once, you have proven yourself a most dignified adversary." Chase and Wuya were ready to teleport out of there when Hannibal interrupted them with a, "Wait! Can't I interest you in the fate of Spicer's children?" Both Chase and Wuya laughed at this. "No, you can keep them," Chase sneered, snapping his fingers and disappearing.

~

Jack awoke to a kick in the side. "Get up, you sniveling wretch," Chase sneered.

"What, where am I?" Jack asked, genuinely discombobulated.

"I don't know how you got into my dungeon, but you somehow managed to."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Chase," Jack said sarcastically. "I didn't think it was very nice to imprison me like that."

"Oh. Who cares?"

"Did you at least bring back my children?" Jack asked hopefully.

"No, I specifically did not. I don't give a damn about those two little bastards."

"Really?" Jack's eyes filled with tears.

"Look, Jack," Chase said in a rare moment of kindness, "Bean took the babies so he could use them against me. Now that he knows I don't care about them you can probably go there and ask him for them and he will give you them back."

"Oh, Chase! You're the greatest!" Jack said, smooching him wetly on the cheek.

Chase looked disgusted. A jungle cat came up and licked his cheek. Jack skipped gaily out of the dungeons, on a quest for his children. He felt optimistic. He was back on his own, the way it had been in the beginning. He had no fake friends who were just using him for his laundry skills.

Jack took activated his propeller-pack and flew to Hannibal's lair, where the disgusting bean was waiting for him. "Hello, Jack," said Hannibal.

"Hi, Hannibal!" Jack said, batting his eyelashes. Flirting had always worked for him in the past — maybe it would work this time. "My, your tentacles look nice today."

"They're vines," drawled the bean. "I've been expecting you."

"You want to give me back my children? I knew it. They can be a handful."

"Heavens no. Boy, you sure are slow."

"But I thought that once you found out Chase wasn't interested..."

"Boy, I can always use them against you."

"Me?"

"Yes you. I will give you back your children, but first I want you to drink this Lao Mang Lon soup."

"You want me to drink Lao Mang Lon?" Jack could barely contain his excitement. He'd always dreamed of being permanently young, and beautiful, and an evil super villain. "Oh my god, I'm so flattered."

"Silence!" Hannibal cried. "My dear boy, I can see you're eager to begin our solid evil partnership. But first, I need some help."

"Then I can have my children back?"

"Of course. I wouldn't dare keep them from their mama."

"And I can drink that soup and become evil emperor of darkness?"

"Of course!"

"Eeeeee!" Jack could barely stop drooling, he was so excited. "Okay, okay. I'll do anything, Mr. Bean sir!"

"Anything?"

"Anything!"

Hannibal cackled sinisterly.

~

"You young monks have certainly made trouble for yourselves," Chase Young drawled. "Surrender the child now and perhaps I will spare your lives."

"Oh, great," Raimundo moaned. "This is so not what we need right now."

"What are we gonna do, partner?" Clay asked alloud.

"I suggest you all do as I say," Chase intoned. "Otherwise, you will all fall prey to grim consequences."

"There's something we want from you, first," Raimundo stated.

"You Xiaolin are not in a position to negotiate."

"What would you know about negotiation?" Kimiko asked, brandishing her Arrow Sparrow threateningly.

"I know plenty," Chase said in a seemingly aloof manner. "Make me an offer, and perhaps I'll have a good chuckle before I defeat you all in battle."

"We want the Reversing Mirror," Raimundo said flatly. “Surrender it, and we'll turn over the baby."

"The Reversing Mirror is not in my possession," Chase said. "And anyway, why should I give you anything when I would just as easily fight you and take what I want?"

"Do you want to test that theory?" Clay asked, balling his fists.

Three minutes later the Xiaolin monks lay crumpled in a pile, easily defeated by Chase. Little Tako was back in his possession, and now they had no leverage to use against him.

"How did he do that?" Kimiko asked, obviously flustered at her own incompetence.

"Well, my grandaddy used to say," Clay calmly anecdoted, ",ever get between a mama possum and her young'ns."

"I miss Omi. What are we going to do?" Raimundo asked.

Kimiko pushed one of Clay's enormous arms off of her torso. She pursed her lips and then spoke, "Well, if Chase won’t give us the Reversing Mirror, how can we get it from Wuya?"

Just then Jack Spicer crashed through the roof with his helipack. "I've come to take Tako," he shouted, laughing sinisterly.

"You're too late, man," Raimundo stated bluntly, looking down at the floor. "Chase already took her."

"I was afraid of that. Well then, I need your help getting her back."

"Why do you want Tako so badly?" Kimiko asked, "I thought you were obsessed with getting your own ugly babies back."

"Hey!" Jack shouted. "I have to get Tako back and give her to ... hey! I don't have to tell you losers anything. Are you going to help me or not?"

"We'll help you," responded Raimundo. "But first you have to get us the Reversing Mirror."

Jack couldn't get the Reversing Mirror, but it seemed to him like the monks didn't know this. He was evil again, so he knew he could use this to his advantage. "Um, I don't have it with me. How about I give it to you after we get Tako from Chase and Wuya?”

"Are you sure you can even get the Shen Gong Wu?" Clay drawled.

"Of course I can," Jack responded defensively. "I would just rather give it to you afterward. Let's go, we haven't much time.”

And with that, Jack was allied with the Xiaolin monks yet again.
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The Parasol of Prettiness