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Irken Courtship	By : Melidona Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 4747 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Now I know why people talk to their reviewers! They make you happy!
Thank you: EasterOfFlesh, Anon, and especially Ru Shin for editing this!

Last Time I’m doing this:
“Talking”
‘Thinking’
-Emphasize- you know, bold, italic, if you know how to do these on here let me know I am knew at this! ^__^

Disclaimer: If I was really making money off of writing Invader Zim stuff; do you really think I would let you read it for free?

Chapter One: What to do?

Zim growled while he looked over the war zone that was once the ground level to his base. He and the Dib-human had had yet another battle. After seven years it was getting rather ridiculous that he had yet to make the other male his mate.

It certainly didn’t help that the other was completely clueless as to this either.

Or that he kept escaping.

Zim sat gracefully onto to the worn down couch and stretched his now lengthy body while he watched as his SIR unit begin to patch up the rather large holes in the house. Once the holes had been fixed and Gir began to fix the rest of the carnage, Zim leaned over the undamaged controller and flipped it on. “Computer, reactivate the privacy wards.”

“Sure, Zim, whatever…give me a minute…” Random beeping noises began spouting from somewhere.

“I’m missing something…something important…but what?” Zim pandered while drinking some type of blue gel substance. Usually it only took a year, maybe two, to be able to attain a mate.

You see, he had preformed a biological compatibility scan years ago and had sent the report soon after. After discovering this factor, Zim had decided that he should probably choose a mate from this species; which is customary for Invaders whom discover any level of compatibility. To accomplish this they usually had to first take over the planet.

Zim crushed the now empty canister and scowled. Oh, that never ending nuisance that was Dib. He always had to make false ‘take over’ plans just to distract him from his real conquest tactics. Lengthening his stay on this idiot populated hell hole. It wasn’t until a couple years later did he realize that he was actually participating in an actual Irken Courtship.

He noticed it the second Dib’s attention stopped during that horrible period of ‘real science’. With all his attention elsewhere it sent Zim into a deep depression. He wouldn’t move for days at a time and began fantasizing all the things he would do to Dib when he became his mate. With that thought he managed to bring his conquest back to him by walking around his non-surveillance lab without his disguise…boy had he been close to the autopsy table that time…but it was well worth it.

Mind, he was still on dissecting him, but negative attention was still attention.

With that he had begun the traditional attacks with Dib which ended in standstill every time. Now he just had to beat him.

While Zim sat there dazing off and thinking up how to capture the Dib his computer started flashing red and orange lights.

“ZIM! MASTER ZIM!”

Groaning he stretched and rubbed one contacted eye. “What?” he replied groggily, “This had better be important…”

“Oh, it’s nothing really…just that you have a transmission coming in from the Tallest. But I can always tell them to call back later…”

“NO! Wait, let the transmission through, just, ah, lust let them see the picture of me Gir drew earlier…I can’t have them see me as I am now…”

“Fine, Zim.”

Zim crossed his now lengthy legs and stretched out once again on the couch.

“Transmission starting…can I leave now?”

“After we’re done…Yes, my Tallest?” He had to fight every nerve in his body to start laughing at the idiots.

“Ah, Zim.” he was amazed that they were both too stupid to realize that the drawing wasn’t him. “We were calling to inform you that we have decided to help you with your Invasion.”

This caused his antennae to quirk forward in interest, “That’s excellent my Tallest! May I ask what brought about the change of heart? The mission goes well right now. Ah, not that I don’t want your help, I mean.” He HATED having to play the idiot with these morons. Once he had Dib they would be going to Irk to claim his rightful place as Tallest.

“Yes,” Purple replied, “We’ve decided to turn your mission to a breeder capture instead of simply a seek and destroy. After finally being able to read your latest report we have decided to turn the human’s into Irken Hybrids. How far have you gotten with that?”

Now that was a thought…“Um, it was a side project, yes…but it’s just in the beginning stages since until recently it was a simple Invasion. I can continue with it if you wish.”

“Yeah, you do that. We’ll be there in about six months. Over.”

After the transmission ended there was nothing but a lethargic silence. That was it. If he turned Dib into a hybrid then he would be easier to claim. But he’d have to do it soon… If he changed the Dib-beast and hadn’t claimed him in six months his human would be free game…but how…

“HUG!” Out of nowhere Gir jumped onto Zim and latched onto his head.

“Gah! Off Gir! Off!” Zim pried Gir off his face and through him across the room and causing its head to fall off.

Pulling on the string that attached his head to his body, after all it’s always falling off now-a-days, Gir ran across the room again once he had and latched onto his master’s leg, “HUG!”

Zim sighed annoyed and pet the top of Gir’s head, “Was there something you wanted?! I’m busy thinking of new ways to dominate Earth, damn it!” Not really.

“TACOS! PLEASE,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?!?!!?!?!” Gir pouted up at Zim with pleading blue eyes.

“Yeah, just don’t eat anyone on the way to the tacos this time AND WEAR YOUR NEW DISGUSE, DAMNIT!” Zim shouted after the blue blur that was about to blow through the door. Having long given up on Gir badly pretending to be a dog and blowing their cover quite a few times.

Without objection the little metal robot put on his new and favorite disguise. He now looked like a three foot tall little boy with short silver hair, blue eyes, wearing a black shirt, shoes, pants, and a green sleeveless jacket shaped like his old dog costume. (link at bottom and not my picture)

Shaking his head at his overly enthusiastic SIR unit, Zim entered an elevator and headed downwards towards his lab. Laughing manically he sproutd out his mechanical legs and began grabbing numerous vials of Irken chemicals and began sloshing them into the computer. “How long will it take to make this concoction?! I must know now!”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch. It’ll take about two human hours.” The computer broadly replied while filing her virtual nails.

“EXCELLENT! Now all I need to do is-” getting into rant mode Zim began pacing as he began one of his I’m-gonna-take-over-and-rule-over-all-you-lower-then-the-almighty-ZIM mantra. Before he could get too far into it…

“It won’t work, but yeah, it’ll be done,” Said the computer, named Laila, smirked back.

“WHAT?! What do you MEAN it won’t work?! It HAS to work! There’s no room for failure!” Now he was worried. He couldn’t give his Dib something that would kill him sooner. Then all that hard work would go down the drain.

“How can we get it to work?” Knowing if he showed Laila some respect then she would most likely tell him how to fix this problem. Give him a break changing someone’s species is very complicated and not an everyday occurrence no matter what species you were.

…well, Zim would like to see YOU do it! Stop laughing, damn it!

Sighing, Laila looked broadly at Zim with her computerized female figure on the screen. Flicking her virtual dark pink hair over her shoulder she began to file her fingers, “Well, you’d have to get off your ass and do numerous things.”

“Please tell me Laila…I’ll work some more on your body if you do… Don’t you think that maybe, and just maybe, it’d work better if it was a hybrid?” He said, hoping that he could somehow play to the computers vanity. Hey, it may be a computer but she did have personality and could be flattered.

Laila pretended to think this through. It’s not like she had a choice to tell him or not but it was nice that he didn’t know that.

Zim knew.

“Oh…alright… First of all, you have to add DNA from your species for it to work. The closer it is in match then the easier the transformation. But… In order for it to work the way you want it you have to add yours to the mixture before hand. That way most of the human flaws will be erased and the specimen will become half Irken. Otherwise it’ll be the other way around and have no effect on Dib whatsoever. Secondly, it has to be injected while it’s still fresh, and I mean I shove it into him the second its done, or it’ll just mutate him into a blob or something and do you really want to fuck a blob? Such as with Tallest Rif’s endeavor before Tallest Bee’s success.”

“How you get him here is up to you and he doesn’t even need to be healed up before hand. The solution will do all that since I’m adding advanced healing capabilities to it.”

“But-”

“Yes, Zim, I KNOW Irkens have higher healing abilities then humans but even with the basic serum his healing ability won’t come close. This one is just for Dib though as I’ve become quite grateful that he hasn’t attempted to delete me yet.” With that, one of Laila’s numerous metal tentacles spout out from one of the mechanisms and latched on to Zim’s pack to begin the DNA download.

“Ah, I’m glad you like my choice.” Zim beamed brightly at Laila. If she liked Dib then that meant he could trust her to help watch over him.

“More like he picked you...Oh, so fabulous Zim. Anyways, of course I like him, who did you think told Gir to keep letting him in? Gir may have been completely retarded before hand but he obeyed every order I allowed him to…”

“Yes, I am fabulous- wait…you told Gir not to listen?!” That’s why…and he couldn’t punish her either…damn it.

“Yeah, get over it. You may want to get a move on. I doubt it’ll take you long to get him here...but you should probably hurry.”

“Whys that?”

“Because he’s going to bleed to death at that Hi Skool you were supposed to be at today…and I’m pretty sure the serum wont work on a dead body no mater its species.” Laila replied as though it was drivel. Knowing Zim would respond more urgently then he would otherwise.

“NO!!! I must get to Dib NOW!” With that Zim he used his mechanical legs and propelled himself into his Voot Runner and ‘blasted off’ through the roof which Laila had opened five minutes before hand.

Appearing on the screen in the Voot Runner Laila watched as Zim frantically flied the thing, “You have one hour and thirty minutes Zim. So don’t waste time.”

With that she logged off the screen and returned to mixing the amalgamation.

Meanwhile…

Dib cursed as he had once again failed to expose Zim. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he still wanted to at the moment. With seven years of nothing, Dib was beginning to get a little disheartened.

After the disastrous loss at Zim’s this morning he realized he had failed just in time to get to Hi Skool. Wonderful…just peachy. He got more time today to fail again. And the day just seemed to keep getting better.

Dib really hated Mondays…

It was about lunchtime and after listening to Ms. Biters go on and on about how the world was going to end today he was even more exhausted. A little paranoid as to what Zim was planning since he hadn’t come to Hi Skool yet, yes, but still tired.

He plopped down into the seat across from Gaz and started poking at the toxic waste that he was expected to consume, “Wonder where Zim is…”

“I really don’t care Dib, why don’t you get your head out of his ass and get another obsession. I’m tired of having to stitch you back together every time you two have a lovers quarrel,” with that Gaz went back to playing her Game Slave Five.

“Seriously, Gaz, that’s like telling you to stop playing that Game Slave.”

“We’ll then, to every addict there own,” she looked up and smirked at her older brother. “At least I get off with mine.”

“…I don’t need to know where you put that thing Gaz- OW!” Dib rubbed his head where Gaz had hit him. Pouting at her but was smart enough to not say anything else about it. Just because the gothic goddess had mellowed out towards him didn’t mean he was safe from becoming a sacrificial offering to the almighty Game Slave inventor…

With that settled, Dib began to fight viciously with the toxic waste he was supposed to eat. Seeing as he would rather cut his wrists then eats the goop; he once again ripped it into so many pieces that it appeared as though he had eaten it. This is being the usually anti-poison ritual that was his food consumption.

After victoriously defeating the almighty VENOM-OF-DOOM, once known as food, he pulled out his seriously worn down notebook that has seen better days; with its numerous loose pages and array of duck tape and staples barely keeping it together. Careful of the lose pages he opened it to a blank, if a bit worn, page near the end and began to once again doodle. Having become quite good at drawing over the years with all his doodling and speculated from time to time over pursuing this as a carrier…

But alas no… It would end up as disastrous as his pursue of real science and revive his Emoites(©Me). He didn’t have anymore room for new scars on his wrists for fucks sake.

Deciding he was done with the blank page mocking him, as though it was saying that ‘Your so stupid you only WISH you were worthy of drawing on me!’ Before laughing manically like Zim does, Dib flipped to a detailed sketch of an alien dissection from a few years back and began inking it carefully. For once, it was not of Zim.

“Stop that God damned tapping before I rip your fucking hand off, Dib,” Gaz looked up from her game and stared at him venomously.

“Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about it – AH!” Dib dodged as his sister practically flew at him. “What the hell?! Your batteries die or something? STOP THAT FOUL BEAST! FUCK!” Pulling the ‘plastic’ spork out of his thigh he jump kicked his sisters head so she stumbled backwards.

Gaz growled and grabbed a hold of his long ass ponytail and yanking him back down, “Yes, and now I must kill you.” Placing her knee at his throat she stopped for a second. “Unless…you have some double A’s?”

Dib shook his head…of all the days to forget spare batteries AND wear a ponytail…

Did we mention Dib hates Monday?

“Ew! That’s disgusting Gaz, what the hell was that for?!” Dib shoved his sister off of him and attempted to rub the seemingly everlasting purple lipstick from his neck and forehead.

“Just to piss off your boy toy,” with that she returned to her still functioning addiction.

All Dib could do was keep blinking…at least the game kept her bipolar-ness somewhat under control…

Wait…boy-toy? Oh no…

Looking behind him he saw yet another over steroid out Jock that seemed to enjoy him as a punching bag.

Unfortunately this one was gay and seemed to like him for some reason.

“Well, well, lookie hear. Didn’t think I’d get you on your knees so quickly,” IT looked smugly down at Dib whom was sitting on the floor.

“You only wish,” with that Dib stood up and dusted off some imaginary dust and turned to walk away. “Have a great day, Jerk-off.”

“SHIT!” Dib found himself leaning against the wall of the cafeteria with a stab wound in his side. Zim must have done more of a number on him then he thought for that to have happened.

“Now, now, I don’t like it when my bitches don’t play nice,” Jerk-off slammed the hand with the bloodied knife next to Dib’s head and leaned in closer to his face. “And the names Jeirkouf. Get it right ‘cause you’ll be screamin’ it later.” With that the IT, formally known as Jerk-off, leaned in to claim a kiss.

That is if Dib's knee hadn’t just slammed into his crotch.

“Maybe in the idiotic parallel universe that exists in your head, maybe someone who looks like me will, because I’m sure as hell not interested.” Shoving the other away from him was proving to be slightly difficult seeing as the thing fell forwards instead of back and weighed at least 608 pounds easy…

Not to mention the stab wounds and other injuries from earlier.

…We mentioned Mondays sucked right?

“You little bitch…when did you…think you…could…get away…with that?”

The knife found its way into Dib’s shoulder and began wiggling, “When’d you go back to being weird? I liked you a lot better when you were normal. But that’s okay, I’ll probably beat it out of ya later…”

Gasping, Dib glared daggers at him with his golden eyes, “Sorry, I out grew ‘normal’ about as soon as I grew into it… No tentacles, extra extreme died, or even green skin. Nope, nothing to even spark my interest now. Sorry, your just not freakish enough -to turn me on-.” With that said he spat into the others eyes; already feeling the dizziness from blood loss sweep upon him.

The thing, Jerk-off, pulled his fist back and slammed it into Dib’s face. Successfully shattering the new glasses he had gotten and causing the glass to pierce his face. Not satisfied yet, the thing pulled its hand back for a second blow.

And that is how Zim found them.

TBC

A.N. HAHAHAHAHA! Cliffhanger and it’s only the first chapter! ^_____~ YEA! Emoites is totally mine and friends. If you don’t ask me to use it I will be unhappy.

A MINI STORY: My friend was being a total Emo so we said something like, “Crap she’s got Emoites.” “Whats Emoites?” “It’s where you turn into a Emo then die. First you get all depressed and sad but you think its fine. But the next thing you know you wake up with hair over your eyes and wearing tight pants. You will then be driven to suicide.” I got a few lumps for that one but we had fun. MORAL OF THE STORY: Anything can be a disease if you add ites, or other medical terms. Go try it out.

Well, this chapter is fun! I’m thinking of maybe adding a little side story of what Gir may be doing while all this is going on….but I’m not sure, review and let me know what you want! ^_^

DIDN’T EAT ANY-ONE-
A Gir Side Story

Gir smiled happily while he walked as only Gir could and stopped in front of the pet shop. The window held the most adorable little puppies ever.

“…Puppies!” With that Gir smashed through the window to glomp the puppies.

“Ah! What the hell you think your doin’, kid?! You tryin’ to get me sued or something?!” the store owner yelled at the cute little Gir.

Gir looked up at the ugly man and flipped his silver hair out of his face while he practically hugged the puppy to death, “Master said I couldn’t EAT YOU! So go FUCK YOURSELF.” Giggling, Gir squeezed the unfortunate puppy in his grasp.

Deciding the puppy wasn’t that cute Gir’s humanoid eyes lit up, “But Master never said I couldn’t eat you!” With that Gir popped open his head, remember he’s in costume, and threw it in there. Once it closed he moaned, “Mmmm…taste just like tacos.”

Makes you wonder what they really make tacos out of huh?

Looking around the room Gir saw the reptilian sector at grinned brightly at spotting the huge green boa constructor, “Ohhhhh…your green! Just like Master! He will LOVE you! Come! Before I eats you too!” Gir plopped his humanoid hand into the cage and pulled out the two and a half foot long snake.

With that he opened all the cages, fed the snake, and walked to the counter of the now animal less pet shop.

The owner could only stare at what was happening with the strange little boy.

“Lalala, here’s you go! What ever you do don’t open it!” Gir put what looked like a small black box on the counter and left the establishment.

“To the TACOS!” He walked into the Taco place and stole a bunch of tacos like usual. In his little mind he called himself ‘El Taco!’, every successful time he didn’t eat the almightily taco makers.

…yeah, just like el Diablo so STFU!

Humming happily Gir had just seen his Master’s ship fly by and grinned. After all Laila said he’d be going for the Dib human. He liked the Dib human.

Even if he tasted a lot like waffles and Gir wasn’t allowed to eat him.

Suddenly there was a loud explosion from the grim old pet store he had gotten the snake from. Gir grinned maliciously on that cute little face of his. He had told the man not to open the box.

What? Master said not to EAT anyone …he said absolutely nothing about blowing things up.

With that Gir happily snacked on his tacos and walked home with the snack still clinging to him.

“To the BEDS!” With that he ran off towards the house still munching on a taco.

He needed to arrange the guest room.

END of:
DIDN’T EAT ANY-ONE-
A Gir Side Story
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Irken Courtship