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Totally Sex!	By : sqevans Category: +S through Z > Totally Spies! Views: 14921 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Totally Spies!,nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Totally Sex
A Totally Spies sex parody
by Shawn Evans
Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---4:39 PM Miami Beach---

A missile crashes into Miami's beachfront. The cone of the missile opens, disgorging Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover into the sand.

"Ack!" yelled Cumalover, spitting out a mouthful of grains. "When's Gerry going to get us some real transport? Those quarters are waaay too close for comfort!"

"Really!" agreed Alicks, brushing herself off.

"Oh. I don't know. It wasn't that bad." admitted a smiling Spurnmantha.

"Yeah? Then check your nerve endings, Spurnmy!" said Cumalover, wiping the sand off of her. "They must be misfiring!"

"Um. No. They're OK." replied Spurnmantha.

"Whatever! Might as well get on with our mission! Although you guys have the fun part!" pouted Cumalover.

"It's too early for the nightclub. We'll have to start with the sex club one of the victims visited." said Spurnmantha to Alicks.

"Way ahead of you, S!" said Alicks as she puts on her whorishly skimpy, tight gold mini skirt and matching micro baby T that barely restrains her massive mammaries. If Alicks walked the streets in this outfit, all she'd be missing is the price list. "And don't worry, Cum, we promise not to have too much fun!"

"Yeah! This is so like work, and not fun. Believe me!" said Spurnmantha, as she opts for the classier outfit - a long green gown that's cut all the way to here (her pubic bone) in the front and backless all the way to her ass crack. "Besides, how bad can your undercover assignment as a maid at the nightclub be?"

"I guess you're right, Spurnmy." said Cumalover as she dresses as a maid. "You guys enjoy yourselves. See you later!"

---5:16 PM The private VIP rooms of the Oceanside nightclub---

"Ewww! How does all this ick come out of people's bodies? Wouldn't they be dead if they lost this much fluids?" bitched Cumalover as she scrubbed the floor.

"And when you're done here, you have to clean the restrooms!" ordered the manager.

"Yikes! What'd you do here last night, the MNBA All-Star game?" complained Cumalover. "How bad can it be, huh, Spurnmy? Sheesh! At least you're having fun!"

---5:36 PM A mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

"How's it going, Spurnmy?" asked Alicks, as she talked with her friend between liaisions and downed a sparkling spring water.

"Okay so far, although no one's gone for my butthole yet!" answered Spurnmantha, nursing a juice drink. "I've got to tell you, though, Alicks, none of these guys or gals seem the take-over-the-world type. They're actually pretty pathetic! And I thought money could buy beauty, or at least plastic surgery, but it's like they don't even care how they look!"

"Guess that's what money really buys - who gives a rat's ass - but don't worry! The action picks up after work hours. That's when the real pervs show up!" commented Alicks. "Er, at least, that's what I hear!" said Alicks, blushing. "Just make your moneymaker available," said Alicks, shaking her rear in Spurnmantha's face, "and see what happens!"

"Okay, Alicks! Will do!" said an upbeat Spurnmantha. “Got to go. That older couple has been giving me the eye.”

“Good luck!”

---6:28 PM Oceanside nightclub---

“Whoa, whoa, Maricela, um, alto! My Spanish isn’t that good! Now, what were you saying about weird happenings at the club?” asked Cumalover, posing as a maid, to the other cleaning worker on her shift.

“These putas, always exposing themselves to the men!” spat out Maricela, with contempt.

“Uh, yeah, that’s just terrible!” agreed Cumalover. “Gross! A used condom!”

“Do you know they try to to get pregnant to entrap the rich men?” commented Maricela.

“Really?” said Cumalover, pocketing the used condom. “That’s, that’s shameful!”

---6:30 PM Outside the Oceanside nightclub---

Two security guards throw Cumalover out onto the street.

"...And stay out!" the guards yell at Cumalover, spawled in the gutter.

"Hey!" protested Cumalover. "I'll have you know that condom was evidence in an important investigation!"

As Cumalover picks herself up, she reaches for her phone. "Nothing to do but call it in and join the others...Oh no! My cuntpowder's broken! Now what do I..."

"Excuse me, miss. Need some help?" asked the handsome stranger.

"Oh WOW! Do I?" said Cumalover, her eyes bulging with hearts. "I'm sure whatever it is, you can help me, hotstuff!" gasped Cumalover.

"Is there somewhere I can take you? My bus is over there" he said, pointing to the late model vehicle.

"A bus??" said a confused Cumalover. Then she focuses on who's sitting in the bus. "Full of hot guys??" Dreams do come true, she thinks.

"We're on our way to the center. Need a lift?" he asks politely.

"Anywhere you go is fine by me!" answers Cumalover. Besides, she thinks, they've got to have a phone at this center place. And if I can have some fun on the way, all the better!

---6:44 PM The sex club mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

"Well, that was...interesting" observed Spurnmantha, drinking a decaf soy latte.

"You think you get the weirdos?" offered Alicks, gulping an energy drink. "The guy I was with said I reminded him of one of his students! He must have been crazy!"

"Why?" asked Spurnmantha. "Because he compared you to one of his students??"

"No!" replied Alicks "Because his students were right there and I didn't look a thing like any of them!"

"Ah." said Spurnmy. "You got me beat, then."

"Why? What happened to you?" inquired Alicks.

"You remember that older couple I told you about? replied Spurnmantha.

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Alicks. "What deviant sexual acts did they make you perform?"

"Plenty, Alicks." answered Spurnmantha. "But that wasn't the weird part. I expected that. No, the bizarre bit came afterwards, when they pulled out their wallet and started showing me photos of their grandkids!"

"Spurnmy! No!!!" yelped Alicks. "You, you didn't have any actual human interaction with them, did you?"

"I, I tried not to, but..." confessed Spurnmantha. "Then they talked about taking the grandkids to the amusement park and..."

"Tell me you did not agree to go with them!" demanded Alicks.

"I didn't! But it was so hard! I..." continued Spurnmantha. "I had to give them something, so I gave them a phone number."

"No!" gasped the horrified Alicks, her fists covering her lower jaw.

"It wasn't my number!" said Spurnmantha, in an attempt to lessen her mistake. "It...it was Cumalover's."

"Spurnmy, no!" cried Alicks.

"Sorry, but I didn't have time to think up a fake number!" admitted Spurnmantha. "That's also what I told them my name was. I figured, since Cum wasn't here...oh no! There they are!"

"Huh?" said Alicks.

"Just wave!" ordered Spurnmantha. "Hi Bob! Hi Carol!"

"Hi!" offered Alicks, meekly. "But what if Cumalover finds out?" asks Alicks, turning to Spurnmantha.

"She won't! Please, Alicks, promise you won't tell?" begged Spurnmantha.

"Well. Alright." agreed Alicks. "We'll keep this between me and you."

"Great!" replied a relived Spurnmantha. "That leaves only one question - how do we accomplish our mission? At our present rate, we'll never find out who's behind this buttplug scheme!"

"Hmmm..." thought Alicks, out loud. "We'll have to have sex with the greatest number of people possible in the shortest amount of time..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Alicks?" asked the quick-witted Spurnmantha.

"Orgy Room!" they both yell.

"Speaking of orgies...You know, Spurnmy..." wondered Alicks. "...shouldn't Cumalover have called in by now?"

"I'm sure she would have called us if she had anything to report, Alicks." said a confident Spurnmantha.

"You think so?" worried Alicks.

"Of course!" replied Spurnmantha. "She just doesn't want to tell us how bored she is!"

---6:55 PM Aboard The Center's bus---

I can't believe this! thought Cumalover. These guys don't believe in recreational, premarital sex! They have to 'preserve their precious bodily fluids'! Hello! Preserve them for what? This has been the worst day ever! whined Cumalover, as she sat on the bus surrounded by a dozen hunks, none of whom wanted her.

"We're here!" announced the driver. "Everybody off!"

Everybody off? I wish! Cumalover thought to herself. At least here I can get a phone!

"Velcome, velcome, boys." said the Center's director. "How vas your trip? Did you get another subject for..? Ach du leiber! Cumalover??"

"ButtMunch?" said a shocked Cumalover. "I should have known you were behind this!"

"Nein, nein!" corrected the Doctor. "Iz Dr. Butten Munchen, ja?"

"Don't know, don't care, Dr. BM!" said a defiant Cumalover. "You're not getting away with this!"

"It iz you who are not 'getting away', Miss who-squirts-cum-all-over-der-place!"

"What?" replied a befuddled Cumalover.

"Your name. I vas merely..." replied ButtMunch

"Whatever!" replied an angry Cumalover as she assumed a fighting stance. "Do you seriously think your happy boys can stop me?"

"Them?" replied Buttmunch. "Maybe. Maybe nein. But their precursor? Ja!" Dr. Butten Munchem then snaps his fingers, and a man appears in the doorway. "After all, he can stop anyvone!"

"OmiGod!" screams Cumalover. "It's...it's..."

The man stands revealed. It's the popular movie star

"...Jim Druse! Ohhhh!" and with that, Cumalover faints.

---7:16 PM The Orgy room of the sex club mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

Alicks, in a Taiwanese basket, is surrounded by men who pass her from one swinger to the next.

"Wow!" admired one orgygoer to Alicks as he fucked the sh!# out of her backdoor. "You're so loose! You could fit an army up here!"

"And have!" admitted a proud Alicks. "There was this one time when...oh, wait, I'm not supposed to talk about that stuff!"

"Huh?" replied the befuddled buttfucker.

Do do doo do do doot

"Hold on! I have to get that!" said Alicks matter of factly. "It's my cuntpowder!"

"Your what??" said the exasperated anal reamer as Alicks leaves. "Hey, wait!"

Meanwhile, across the room, Spurnmantha is having issues of her own when the call comes.

"Good Lord, you're tighter than a busload of boys at summer camp!" said the ass fanatic as he pounds away at Spurnmy's formerly virgin-for-dicks-that-are-not-toys anal wonderland.

"Gee, thanks!" offered Spurnmantha, slightly puzzled at the reference. "I think."

Do do doo do do doot

"Uh oh! Got to go! Sorry!" said a sheepish Spurnmantha.

"Wha? But I can't..." replied the stunned sexaholic.

"Spurnmy!" called out Alicks to her friend. "It's Gerry! He says...uh, shouldn't you get rid of your friend there?" asked Alicks, as she points to the guy behind Spurnmantha who's still fucking her.

"I..." said the man, who probably never thought he'd have to say the following words. Ever. "...I'm stuck!"

As Alicks desperately tries to pull the man back, away from Spurnmantha, she pleads "You've got to relax it, Spurnmy! You're too tense!"

"I'm trying!" cried Spurnmantha.

Just then the man releases with a pop and falls backwards onto Alicks.

Moments later, at the bar.

"Coca Cola...Blak!" they both order in unison.

"You too, huh, Alicks?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Been that kind of night!" replied Alicks, as she chugged the bizarro beverage.

"So what'd Gerry have to say?" asked a concerned Spurnmantha.

"He said Cumalover didn't call in, and we have to go check it out!" answered Alicks.

"Oh no!" said a worried Spurnmantha. "I hope Cum's okay!"

"Nah, Spurnmy! Don't worry!" reassured Alicks. "It's Cumalover! What can hurt her?"

"You mean besides cute guys?" offered Spurnmantha.

"Oh. Yeah." said Alicks, worry creeping into her voice and face.

Next:
Cumalover’s Cuntundrum!
(and it’s so bad it doesn’t even involve that body part!)
ButtMunch's plan revealed!
More action!
More jokes!
(But if you think I'm going to explain any of the Jim Druse jokes, forget it!
I ain't getting sued!)

Now here's an extra scene that happens right at the end of the current chapter and features Marathon's other cartoon characters. It’s not a part of the main story, but does set up a joke in the final chapter.

As both Spurnmantha and Alicks run out of the mansion in their totally hot sex club garb, they pass a quartet of adventurers.

"Wow! Look at those two! This must be the place, all right!" said the spiky-haired boy with a broad smile on his face. "Come on, we're going in!"

"We are not, Martin!" replied the angry girl. "I know what this place is!"

"B-but Diana!" pleaded the boy. "Sensors say there are alien creatures here! No offense, Billy!"

"None taken, Martin!" replied the hovering space alien.

"Nice try, Martin!" snapped the perky teenage girl. "But the only alien objects here are those inserted into various parts of the body!"

"Aw! You never let me have any fun!" moaned Martin. "This is what I get I get for having adventures with my sister!"

"Bye bye Martin. Diana." growled the caveman. "Me going in. All in."

"Huh?? But?" questioned Martin. "Why does he get to go in?"

"Because he's not my brother!" replied Diana. "Java's a grown man and can make his own choices!"

"I guess that's my cue!" squeaked the alien. "Bye, Martin! Bye, Diana! Er, have fun! However much you can, anyway!"

"What?? Aw, no fair!" cried the boy. "Thanks a lot, Diana!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby, Martin!" consoled Diana. "Besides, I know someone who can get us into one of the hottest nightclubs in Miami!"

"Really?" said a surprised Martin. "Diana, I could kiss you!" With that, Martin spreads his arms around Diana.

"Martin! Please!" pleaded his sister. "Cut it out!"

"Aw, Di, you know I'm just kidding!" joked Martin. "Or am I? You know, we really don't look all that much alike. What if we're really not half-brother and -sister?"

"Martin!" said an annoyed Diana.

"Just speculating, that's all!" offered Martin. "I mean, our dad was involved with some pretty wacky stuff! It could be true! I know one way to be sure! We could...bzz bzz bzzt"

As Martin whispers in her ear, Diana turns beet red with embarrassment. Then anger.

"Martin! Arrr!" she yelled.

The upset Diana socks Martin in the jaw, knocking him to the pavement.

"So..." Martin asked, rubbing his tender chin, "...is that a no?"
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Totally Sex!