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The Shadow of his Heart	By : Catspeaker Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 12700 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own The Loud House, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Cat's Corner: First let me say to Pixel King, thank you so much for your indepth reviews! They were an absolute joy to read and really made me feel like I'm actually entertaining some people. It's so nice to read thoughts so indepth like that.
Next, for Tenebris, I really hope this chapter helps explain some of Lincoln's actions in regards to Lynn. I'm hoping them all taken together, this and the previous two chapters, you might better understand why Lincoln did what he did. If you still disagree, It's criticism I'm willing to take and hope I can do better with such controversial turns in my future writing. All the same, I'm happy you've enjoyed much of the story until that point.
I actually have a Soundtrack for this story, and I'm going to post it in my profile for those interested!

When Lynn began to wake, she was made immediately aware of the situation she was currently in. Her shorts were still pulled down around her knees, and her brother was still nestled up close to her, sleeping away, one arm laying lazily over her back. He’d apparently kicked his bottoms off completely during the night, because she could feel him against her. Morning wood, that was the phrase, and just feeling it in the morning sleepiness still affecting her made her want to do nothing more than push back against it and see if she could start a second performance of last night’s act.

That was until she woke up a little further, and what had happened began to truly sink in.

A mix of emotions flooded the sporty girl all at once. Anxiety, hope, love, lust, fear, guilt...but the biggest of them all was a sudden intense self-loathing.

That was the thing about being a junkie. That was the thing about being an addict. Addicts and Junkies, the ones with any self-respect, didn't want to be that way. They didn't want to be a slave to their addiction. The addicts that gave in to their addiction weren't truly happy, they had just given up, they'd just allowed their addiction to consume them selfishly and were riding the high until destruction.

Lynn's love wasn't really an addiction, but it came close. She loved Lincoln more than any other man in her life, and she wished with all her heart they weren't brother and sister, so they could be together.

But that was the rub, they were brother and sister, and Lynn knew it was wrong. She knew there was no real future in it for either of them. Maybe they could run away together somewhere, start a new life and lie about who they were, but that would mean her giving up on her dreams, and Lincoln giving up on his dreams, and furthermore....both of them cutting ties with their family.

And she knew if anything, Lincoln could never do that. Lincoln could never cut ties with the rest of his sisters or their parents, he loved them far too much.

So as much as Lynn had loved what had happened, as much as it made her heart so happy, as much as it made her feel so much joy she wanted to cry, she knew it was an impossibility, after the fact.

It wasn't fair. It so wasn't fair. None of this was fair. For one brief day and night she was able to experience what it was like to be with the person she loved most in the world. For one brief moment in time she got to see what their life could have been like together. A full day of having fun and sharing things with her true best friend. A full night of cuddling, and then the hottest and most passionate sex Lynn had ever experienced.

It was perfect, and she couldn't have it.

As she laid, cuddled up against Lincoln, listening to the slow rhythm of his heart and his breathing, tears filled her brown eyes, tears and absolute agony. Tears as she imagined what their life could be if she had their way. Of playing games together, going out on adventures, staying in at night to watch movies and fun passionate love making. Of raising children together, amazing ones, with his brains and her brawn.

She silently cried over the possibilities that couldn’t be, that would never be.

She cried knowing she had betrayed so many with her little indulgence.

She cried over her own perceived weakness.

She'd betrayed Lincoln, she'd betrayed Lucy, she’d betrayed Leni.

She'd betrayed everyone in the family, and the longer she stayed here in bed with him, the more awkward things were going to be. The worse the fall from all of this was going to end up being.

God, why couldn't she just stay here in bed with him and enjoy the moment? Why couldn't she pull him closer, wake him up with a kiss and a smile? More, wake him up by rolling him over and climbing on top of him? That would be the real Lynn Loud way. Hey stinkin' wake up! Time to get your morning exercise in! What’s that bro, already happy to see me?

But no, her own horrible guilt over what she'd done wouldn't even let her enjoy this moment, enjoy what she had finally achieved.

Wasn't this everything she wanted? Wasn't this what she was hoping for when they were in the dorms together next year?

She didn't know anymore. She didn't know anything. In the heat of the moment, it was so easy to give in to those sweet urges and play out the fantasy she had been imagining in her head. The thought of them sneaking into each other's rooms, going away together on the weekend. Finding a place to live together...

But Lynn wasn't some hormonal teenage girl. She was a young woman, and she was old enough to realize the reality of trying to have a relationship with your own brother was fraught with chaos and disaster.

The only thing she could do right now was get out of here and think. She needed to think and get her head right. If she didn't, she would start pushing back against him, and challenge him to a round two. If that happened, she'd be too far gone to ever make a rational decision involving the two of them again. She would be hooked forever, and nothing else in her life would matter but being with him.

It was so tempting to give in. She wanted too so bad, so tempting to give in to the bliss of this taboo sin, to not worry about consequences, to just live in the moment. He was so warm against her, so warm and comforting. He was better than she even imagined, that's what made it so difficult. That's what made this so very hard. The reality had been even better than her fantasies.

But somehow, with tears in her eyes, with her heart breaking every step of the way, she slowly, carefully, slid out of bed with Lincoln. Sliding out to stand up, reach down, and pull her shorts back up. She was lucky Lincoln was still asleep, because if he looked at her...If he just crooked his finger and told her, ‘Come back to bed Lynn' she would.

She would damn herself happily, throw away her future in sports, all for his love. She would risk the ire of their family and friends, she would happily know she broke the pact between them all, if Lincoln told her, she was his number one.

But Lincoln didn't wake up. He continued sleeping, curling up on his side with his blanket, as if trying to grasp her still and not realizing she wasn't there. Lynn watched him, wiping at her cheeks, forcing her heart to get under control as she stepped out of the room.

She needed a shower, and she needed some time to think, she was supposed to go out drinking with him later today, and after what happened just now, she didn't know how they were going to handle that.

She slipped out of his room, silently closed the door and was lucky enough to find the bathroom unoccupied. She would slip into the shower to wash their mutual sin off her body. To wash his sweet scent from her, even as she wished she could keep it forever. She would curl up under the hot water and weep.

Weep at the unfairness of life and for the first time in her existence, face the possibility this would be a game she could never truly win, no matter how hard she trained or tried.

Section Break

Lincoln slowly came to wakefulness just over an hour and a half after Lynn had left his bed. Reflexively his arm reached out and patted the area she should be in, before coming to the realization she must have left the room already.

He also became aware he wasn’t wearing any underwear, and his bed smelled like sex.

That was when he remembered what had happened last night.

It wasn’t like he had forgotten, he had known it from the moment he had woken up, but the true reality of it finally started to hit him then.

He had sex with Lynn.

Suddenly his heart began to pound faster. He wasn’t having a full-blown panic attack, but the stark realization of what had transpired was now making its way through his body, and that ‘Lincoln who could worry about it later’ became the ‘Lincoln worrying about it right damn now’.

He swallowed, slowly sat up and stared down at the floor of his room. This was different, this was strange. He wasn’t having a panic attack. He was worried, he was anxious, but he was mostly in control of himself.

Instead, he felt a strange…complicated set of emotions. Very complicated.

He didn’t know what he was feeling. He didn’t know what he was supposed to be feeling, that was the worst part. He felt like he should feel guilty about betraying Lucy, and a part of him did, it just didn’t feel…. guilty enough. He wanted to feel guilty, he wanted to hate himself. Hadn’t Melanie cheating on him been the catalyst for their breakup, and here he was, doing the exact same thing to Lucy?

But was this really cheating?

Yes, they’d had sex physically, but Lynn wasn’t some random girl he met outside and had sex with. Hell, Lynn wasn’t even Ronnie Anne, and he knew having sex with Ronnie Anne would feel like cheating.

But with Lynn? She was his sister…She loved him, he could see that. He could see just how much Lynn truly loved him with their actions last night, and it was with just as much intensity as Lucy loved him.

And he had missed her, missed her so much it hurt when he finally realized it. And he felt guilty for denying Lynn what he had given Lucy. It wasn’t fair to deny her what she wanted, it wasn’t fair for him to deny his sisters anything they wanted. He was supposed to love them all equally, he was supposed to give himself equally to all of them.

But Lucy had changed all of that. Lucy had tipped the balance of power, she had made him love her more than the rest.

Maybe more was the wrong word, he hoped it was. As much as he did love Lucy and want to be with her still, want to marry her and have a life with her, he couldn’t bring himself to neglect his other sisters, to cast them aside and say they meant less to him now.

But would he have to do that if Lucy and he were to have a true future together?! Would he have to stop talking to them so he and Lucy could have the child she was so certain they were going to?

And he still hadn’t fully realized the consequences of having done all of this with Lynn!

Lynn and he had made love, and that was the kicker, it had been an act of love, just as much as it was lust on his end. Of course, lust had played a large part in it, he was aroused by her body now, aroused by her nature.

He looked down at his flaccid penis, the ‘log’ that was now causing him trouble. The way it rested between his legs, with the residue of last night’s actions dried on his shaft.

Even now he could think of Lynn’s beautiful form, the tone and definition in her arms, her abs…god fucking girl abs! Why were girl abs so damn sexy!? And that ass…If he kept this up, his log was going to start raising to attention, and he didn’t want that right now.

Lincoln had a dawning horror come over him.

He was starting to have a hard time differentiating his sisters as family and as women, respectively. They were becoming both in his eyes. Blending together in an unholy union of both people he loved more than anything else in the world, and beautiful girls whose bodies were each a delight in their own way.

It wasn’t like he suddenly wanted to take all of them to pound town, but the fact he could look at them now, and see how beautiful they were, how attractive, how fucking hot each of them could be in his eyes, that was what horrified him.

In the past his sisters could walk around him in their pajamas, a towel, or even sometimes in their underwear and he wouldn’t even bat an eye. It might as well have been staring at a wall to him for how much he was used to it.

But now he was afraid, terrified his gaze would linger, terrified he would find himself excited by all of it. Terrified of further temptation.

And he still couldn’t completely figure out what Lynn and his actions meant! They weren’t a couple, he was with Lucy! He still understood that in his heart, Lucy was his girlfriend, not Lynn. But he had given in to a carnal act he shouldn’t of in the first place. But he saw just how much Lynn missed him, he could see how much her heart hurt, and his had hurt so much without her too. They had wanted to express how much they meant to one another. As twisted and messed up as it felt to him, the act now seemed more like...like he had given her a hug and a kiss after not seeing her for so long. Okay it was a lot more extreme than a hug and kiss, way too fucking extreme Lincoln. But it had felt like a new special way of showing he loved her.

That it was a natural extension of his brotherly love for her, now twisted up in whatever his new, his new situation was. Lynn was hurting, he was hurting, they had soothed one another.

Or maybe that was just an excuse, he didn’t know. So much didn’t make sense anymore.

He couldn’t, he wouldn’t, he didn’t even want to entertain the thought of trying to date them both. That just, that was insane, and wrong and he knew their natures. He knew neither of them could even accept that. Lynn was far too competitive, and Lucy was far too…selfish, the word he didn’t want to say, but he had to say, was that Lucy was a little selfish.

But he knew why.

She had been neglected so often her life, felt like she didn’t belong, felt like such an outcast that when she had something that was hers, really thought it was hers, she held on to it with everything she had. She was so afraid of losing the things she had finally gotten for herself, she squeezed them tightly to her heart, and would go overboard trying to protect them.

That was when the guilt over the act finally, truly hit him. Because he knew how much it would hurt Lucy, how much it would make her worry. She wouldn’t understand the situation, and really, he shouldn’t expect her too. Oh, I’m sorry Luce, I cheated on you because I just missed Lynn so much and I can’t stand seeing any of my sisters unhappy, you get it right?

Suddenly all he could think about was Lucy looking at him and crying. Suddenly all he could think about was Lucy turning her back to him, and never embracing him again. All for what, for one hot night with Lynn? Because he had this weird obsession with always doing right by his sisters? Because he couldn’t figure out what was appropriate and what was inappropriate when it came to them anymore?

Lincoln brought his face down into his hands. He squeezed at his temples as he fought the feeling of absolute self-loathing that began to fill him. He’d just complicated his life further, and it had already been complicated enough with the secret relationship with Lucy. Sweet, beautiful, devoted Lucy.

He hated himself right now, he hated himself so much, and yet he couldn’t hate himself completely, because he still felt as if he had been almost…obligated to show Lynn he loved her too. God dammit though Lincoln, did you have to show you loved her by ACTUALLY making love to her?!

What was he supposed to say to her when he saw her? Oh, hey Lynn, you know how we kinda got a little crazy and fucked one another last night? Yeah, funny right with us being brother and sister! Well! You see, I’m already in a committed relationship with our other sister Lucy, so I can’t carry out a secret relationship with you too, oh by the way, please don’t mention this to Mom and Dad or any of our other sisters!

Yeah Linc, that sounds perfectly reasonable.

Lincoln groaned and rolled back onto his bed. He just wished he could hide from it all now, hide from the consequences of his actions. He wished he could pretend Lynn had never come home this weekend, pretend he had a normal relationship with all his sisters, pretend he never had dated Melanie, pretend the last few years of his life were not a complete shitshow that ground down into him and made him think of killing himself.

He hated that he had contemplated suicide a couple of times the last few years. It was only when he was ever at his darkest moments, but it had been back there, a black cloud like thought, he could finally find release from his obligations. He could finally be free of everyone’s expectations, and their looks of disappointment as he continued to fail them all again and again.

But it was those very same obligations that had stayed his hand when things got that dark for him. When Lincoln longed for the release of his responsibilities, it was the very same responsibilities that bound him further like chains on his soul. His parents and sisters would blame themselves, they would see it as some failure on their part, and he couldn’t bring that on them. He couldn’t leave them all with that hole in their lives, wondering what they had done wrong. Even if he knew they hadn’t done anything wrong at all, it was all him. He was the one that kept fucking everything up. He was the architect of his own destruction. There was no one to blame but himself.

He hated this, he hated laying here and feeling sorry for himself. A real man would take responsibility for his actions, no matter what they were. He just, had to sit down with Lynn and talk with her about things. He didn’t need to mention Lucy at all, he just, needed Lynn to understand he couldn’t do this with her.

It hurt thinking that, it hurt as it made him realize what a fucking asshole he was. What if Lynn wanted a relationship with him? What if she wanted it just as bad as Lucy did? Here he would be telling her no, oh yeah Lynn I know I fucked you, but like the guys I always thought were the worst in life, I’m going to bail on you now without any kind of commitment.

He groaned and sighed to himself again.

For a moment he imagined what life with Lynn could be like. He thought it could be just as wonderful, just as unique, and fun as the one he would have with Lucy. Lynn was different from him, but it was a fun difference, it was a difference that complimented him, rather than made them alien to one another.

Of course, it would also be fraught with peril, potential disaster and the complete destruction of their lives just like his relationship with Lucy. They still wouldn’t be able to legally marry, they could both be locked up for breaking the law, they could still end up being completely rejected by their family.

Yeah Linc, how fucked up are you, that the two best women in your life are also the ones that make you a complete and total pariah for loving them. Aren’t you such a winner you perverse sister fucker.

Well, there was one thing he could do right now to try and make things at least a little better. He could call Lucy and remind her how much he loved her. He could soothe the horrible guilt in his heart, at least somewhat, by trying to reaffirm his bond with her.

He would just have to…talk to Lynn about all of this later today.

Lincoln got up, picked up his Jeans and fished his phone from his pocket. There was a message waiting for him on it.

It was from Lucy, she sent it sometime late last night, it was a simple message.

“I love you.”

Lincoln felt both warmth and further guilt, if that was somehow possible, fill him. He quickly dialed her up.

Section Break

When Haiku had greeted Lucy, only to find the girl breaking down on her porch, the smaller Asian goth had sprung into action to comfort her best friend. Wanting to avoid any too probing questions from her parents, Haiku had led Lucy up to her spacious room in the attic, sat her down on a comfortable bean bag chair, and quickly left to make her a cup of tea.

As an only child, Haiku’s home life situation was the exact opposite of Lucy’s own. She had plenty of space, and plenty of room, with two introverted parents who while loving her and making sure to interact with her, also respected her privacy and left her to her own devices. Both parents were simply happy she had friends, and Haiku’s place was the next popular after Boris’s in the Mortician’s club to hang out in.

Lucy enjoyed spending the night at Haiku’s often as well over the years, when she needed respite from living in her home that was so very Loud with so many people in it. Idly she realized this was something Haiku and Clyde most likely were able to bond over so effectively, being only children with a best friend who was practically bursting with so many extra siblings.

Haiku had only claimed the attic as her room when she entered middle school, entirely because she wanted to host the Mortician’s club more herself. After all, she was the co-president with Lucy, and while the club was able to occasionally spend time at the Loud house family home, it was just so much easier at Haiku’s.

The attic was all hard wood floors with plenty of space, covered with dark throw rugs here and there, and violet tapestries hanging from every conceivable corner. She had Japanese style folding screens set up around her bed, which could be taken down and moved easily should she wish it. An old purple couch in front of a thrift store coffee table, a beat-up lazy boy and some large bean bag chairs made up her own little ‘living room’ complete with flat screen TV in the corner.

The girl practically had her own apartment with this set up, and at times Lucy was absolutely envious of it. But she also knew Haiku was envious of her. Her best friend had often confided in her about how she got lonely at times, and one of the fun things about staying over with Lucy was getting to hang out with her family as well.

It was another reflection she shared with Lincoln. A single child best friend whose home she could escape to, who also enjoyed spending time at her home.
Lincoln

That was the source of her distress at the moment. The last two months it had always been Lincoln. Ever since she took it upon herself to claim her brother’s heart, to make him realize they were meant to be, she had felt more distress in her life than at any other point.

But she had also felt more happiness, more joy and bliss than she ever had either. In the moments when they would lay together, with her head on his chest, and his strong arms around her, nothing else mattered. Nothing in those moments but the two of them.

That’s why she had to keep him, that was why it was so important she held him to her heart and never let him go. He belonged to her. He was hers now. She was the one fought for him, she was the one who put in the work and the effort. She was the one who taught him it was okay for them to love one another.

She knew Lincoln was scared, she knew he was still uncertain, but she also knew when they were with one another all of his worries and anxieties vanished. She knew how content he felt laying with her, and, even in this moment as sad and worried as she was, she couldn’t help but feel a secret dark thrill in her heart over how much power she had over Lincoln sexually.

Every girl wanted to be desired by their boy. Every woman wanted to be the source of their man’s lust. Lucy knew that was the case with her and Lincoln. She knew he was a boy, a pretty girl in a tv show or one of his 2D waifus could catch his eye. But she knew that was more a factor of his biology than anything else, and he didn’t dwell on them. His attention and desires were focused on her. She was the center of his life when it came to physical pleasure.

At times he was almost practically a slave to it, and she absolutely loved that, even as she pretended to be his slave in those moments. Domming from the bottom it was called. She made Lincoln believe he was in control in those moments, by bringing about the darker more perverse desires within him, by forcing an almost feral lust where he felt the overwhelming need to prove he ‘owned’ her. Even if it was Lucy who purposefully brought that side out of him.

She hated to think she was controlling her brother with sex. She knew that wasn’t the case, she knew Lincoln loved her deeply, almost as deeply as she loved him. But it didn’t hurt she had him conditioned to desire her simply through a coy smile she would give, or the way she would casually lean over in front of him.

But maybe that was why she had gone and made a mess of things so much now. That was why in her haste, in her fear of losing the thing she loved most in the world, she had over-reacted and rather than handle the problem delicately and subtly, had ran to the other extreme end. Like burning down a house to kill a spider.

The idea she would lose Lincoln to Lynn, or his own better nature had caused such a panic in Lucy she had called in the ultimate weapon.

Lori.

Big Sister Lori, an almost mythic figure in the eyes of the younger siblings.

Lori, who set the example for the rest of them, and was held up as the example of what a Loud child was supposed to aspire to.

Lori, whose shadow still fell over the house years after she had moved out.

Lori had moved out when Lucy was but 9 years old. She came home on the weekends and in the Summer up until Lucy had been 11, but after that she only saw Lori on the Holidays or an occasional surprise visit. Lori was a full-grown adult, Lori was married with a life of her own in another city, yet her presence loomed over all of her siblings, the younger ones most of all.

Lincoln had truly been the last Loud child to grow up with the full Lori experience, and understand her on a level as a fellow ‘kid’. Their age difference had not been so vast he had never remembered a time when she was a kid herself. But to every other Loud child, Lori might as well come into the world as a young adult that was always minding after them, always keeping them in check and in line.

Even now, not even in the house she somehow was able to keep tabs on them. She stalked their social media, she asked questions about them to their other siblings, she talked to Mom and Dad, it was like even though she had her own family, she had never dropped the role of ‘Big Sister’.

Lola may have fancied herself a Princess, or even a budding Queen, but Lori was an Empress. There was little doubt who was in control in any social situation between the two. When Lori made a proclamation, the other siblings listened.

In many ways it had been comforting.

Lori did all of this out of a sense of love. Her siblings were just as important to her as her own children it seemed, and she didn’t want them to suffer or experience hardship if she could somehow lessen it.

Even when Lori had discovered the unthinkable, that three of her sisters desired their only brother romantically, Lori hadn’t wanted them to unduly suffer for it. After her initial explosion of shock, she had calmed down and even handled things patiently with them. But Lori let there be little doubt to the situation being absolutely verboten.

As sympathetic as she was to them, as kind as she tried to be, she made it clear, Lincoln was off limits. For his sake, for the family’s sake.

Lori would handle the situation. But there was a problem that Lori would handle the situation a little too well. Lori had gotten, quieter, calmer on the ‘sister problem’ ever since Lynn had left the house.

Lucy knew Lori was just waiting for Lincoln to finally leave so she could declare the issue over. Lucy was the last one left, and it spoke to either Lori’s trust in Lucy, or her doubt of Lucy’s seduction abilities that she didn’t feel a strong need to check up on things with her and Lincoln.

But that might all change now.

Lucy knew how she had come off telling Lori about the Wolverine University situation. She hadn’t come across as a concerned sister looking out for her family. She had come across as a jealous child whining to her parent that her sister was getting a brand-new toy and she wasn’t.

She had complained immaturely, jealously, with envy in her heart. She was being a tattle-tail.

What would Lori do now? Would she assign someone to watch her and Lincoln at home? Lucy already knew who the obvious choice was, the sister who was already suspicious of the way they were acting with each other, Lola.

Lola watching them would mean never being together again. Never being able to be free to love one another. Lola would never give them a moment’s peace, and Lucy was certain Lincoln would slip through her fingers under the intense inquisitive gaze of Lori 2.0.

What if Lori somehow took Lincoln away completely? What if she convinced him to move to Great Lakes City with her? Fairway was a great college too, Lori and Bobby were both alumni, Bobby’s Uncle was a professor there, would it really be so hard to get Lincoln in, even without a Golf Legacy of his own?

In Great Lakes, Lori would have complete dominion over Lincoln’s whereabouts, she could watch and monitor him with the secure knowledge Leni, Lynn, and Lucy herself would be far too afraid to try anything with her right over their shoulder.

And Ronnie Anne was there.

Ronnie Anne, the girl whose voice alone had caused Lincoln to ignore a night of pleasure with her. The Girl Lincoln didn’t understand he was still wholly attracted to both physically and emotionally, but Lucy knew.

Lucy accepted this. Lucy knew this. It was why it was so important she reinforce her relationship with Lincoln at every opportunity. She understood the grip Ronnie Anne had on Lincoln, even if he himself didn’t. She had to bury his love for Ronnie underneath his love for her. With enough time, Ronnie would fade. But she needed that time with Lincoln for it to do so.

More, she understood just how much Ronnie Anne loved her brother. Truly loved him, loved him as deep as she did. Lincoln had been a fool to cast her away, to doubt her love for him. Ronnie would have never left him in a million years. She would have waited forever for them to be together despite the distance in their relationship. It had all been Lincoln’s doubts, his insecurities, and his lack of confidence that had ruined things between them.

But that misstep on her brother’s part had been Lucy’s gain. That flub had been the catalyst for what she had now, and what her brother had now.

Happiness with her.

It didn’t matter he wouldn’t be with Ronnie Anne, because Lucy knew she would make him just as happy. No, she knew she would make him happier. She had the longer history with her brother, she had lived with him everyday of her life, she already knew what it was like to live with him. She had seen every facet of him, every single side, every face he could ever make. Every feeling he felt, she understood him, truly understood him, and loved every part of him, even his imperfections.

Ronnie couldn’t compete with that. Ronnie may love her brother, she may even get him herself, but she didn’t know him the way Lucy did.

They just had to get through this together. There were storms threatening to tear them apart, they had to cling to one another all the harder now. She had to remind him how much they meant to one another, she had to…had too, play on his guilt a little.

She hated doing it. She hated manipulating him, she loved him so much and didn’t want to resort to such tactics, as effective as they were on Lincoln, but she knew it was for their happiness together in the long run. How quickly Lincoln had bounced back from Melanie, how quickly he realized Melanie was terrible for him, and would never accept another woman like that in his life again, that had all been thanks to Lucy.

She had been the one that reminded Lincoln of what he was actually worth. That he was a man worth having for any smart woman.

So, if she had to nudge Lincoln a little more here and there, it was for his own good.

Seeking shelter with Haiku was the only way she could handle the tide of emotions and worry which were crashing into her. Between her jealousy and worry that Lincoln would love Lynn more than her or that he would abandon her in favor of the college, in the face of Lori pulling him away to Great Lakes City, or Ronnie Anne stealing his heart, or Lola tearing them apart, only her best friend could give her any sense of comfort.

Haiku had arrived with Chamomile Tea for both of them, and some cookies to go with it, before welcoming Lucy to come sit on the couch next to her. Lucy was only to eager to do so, not even making a move towards the tea or cookies, instead burying her face in her much smaller friend’s shoulder and sobbing quietly for several moments.

Haiku hugged her best friend back, gently rocked her, and even stroked her hair trying to soothe her. She let Lucy cry her emotions out as she had done a few times over the years. Only after a few minutes of comfort with each other was Lucy able to pull back, wipe at her eyes just under her ever-present bangs and control the hitching of her breath enough to even begin talking.

She had begun with such sorrow in her voice, “Haiku, I’m afraid…I’m afraid it’s all becoming undone. The work, my dream, Lincoln’s love, that I’ll lose all of it and I have no one to blame but myself!”

Haiku listened trying to do her best to be non-judgmental, but that was the thing about being a best friend, you often knew your friend better than they knew themselves. Haiku was more than aware of Lucy’s nature to cling to things too tightly when she was afraid, she was aware of Lucy’s insecurity.

It had actually endangered their friendship on more than one occasion over the years. Lucy’s envy and jealousy over what she saw as ‘hers’ potentially being taken away. She was so afraid of losing what she had acquired and fought for, she would do the most selfish things, to the point of even temporarily driving away both friends and family.

But as they’d gotten older, Haiku understood why Lucy did this. Much as Lincoln understood it, Haiku knew Lucy always felt like the least understood member of her family, the most forgotten and ignored. She felt as if she could be replaced at any moment, that her friends and family might forget she even existed and cast her aside.

It was tragic really, and Haiku didn’t know if it was simply because of Lucy’s nature, or a side effect of how she’d grown up, but Lucy carried around a fear of abandonment more than anything else.

Haiku after coming to this understanding, had done her part as Lucy’s best friend to reassure her over the years, to calm her when her fear would become too much, and help right her and remind her she was loved.

Haiku reached forward and took her best friend’s hands, speaking in a softer tone, looking up towards her, “Lucy, you can handle this. You know you can, you’re not going to give up now, are you? You’re not about to lose what you fought for because you got scared and over-reacted right?”

Lucy squeezed Haiku’s hands back as she sniffled, and gave only a soft “no” as a reply.

Haiku gave her a smile and nodded, “That’s right. Now tell me everything that’s going on.”

Which Lucy proceeded to do. She let it all spill out. All of it. The pact made years ago with Lynn and Leni, with the elder sisters taking watch over Lincoln’s innocence. Lynn’s reason for staying away all of last year, Lucy’s own guilt for breaking that promise made. The plan for Lincoln to go to Wolverine next year, Lori’s potential interference, which Lucy herself had brought in, and her fears that Lincoln would run back to Ronnie Anne.

Haiku had been, a little overwhelmed after hearing all of it. To say the least. Her friend had only been aware of Lucy’s crush, she hadn’t known there was a whole damn near blood pact signed and sealed between the three of them with Lori standing over it like Satan overseeing a soul contract.

It was just more evidence of how bizarre the Loud family could be. In some ways, it tickled her Gothic soul something incredible. Like watching some drama play out before her, only she knew who she was rooting for in this show, and realized she was one of the supporting characters even! Well, much as she was on the periphery in Lucy’s story, she would make damn sure she did everything in her power to make sure Lucy WON her story.

She planned on being the maid of honor at that dark wedding dammit!

After she’d been told it all, she’d gotten up and paced back and forth in front of her taller friend. The shorter Asian goth’s long dress trailing behind her, fingertips, covered in purple laced gloves tapping at her chin.

Haiku turned towards Lucy after she’d made a few circuits back and forth in front of the table, and spoke up, “Lucy, didn’t you want to go to Wolverine University yourself?”

Lucy who had been sniffling on and off, whimpering and pouting through their conversation, gave a slow nod followed by a solemn “Yes.”

Haiku tapped her chin again and continued, “And you know Lincoln was originally planning to go to State, to be with Clyde, right?”

Lucy nodded again, her voice soft, “Y-yes.”

Haiku went on, “And you wanted to go to College where Lincoln was, share a room with him, right?”

Lucy seemed like she understood where Haiku was going with this. The taller paler goth winced in embarrassment as she brought her right hand up and rubbed her left arm slowly, “Y-y-yes.”

Haiku frowned, this time she brought her hand from her chin to her forehead, squinted her eyes and gave a soft sigh of frustration, “Lucy, how were you going to share a room with Lincoln at Wolverine if he was in a dorm with Clyde at the same time?”

Lucy looked up, embarrassed, cheeks red as she gave a slow gentle shrug of her shoulders, “I-I hadn’t figured all of that out just yet.”

Haiku groaned again. This was another one of her best friend’s problems, her plans only went so far. Lucy was great at thinking on her feet, but she often thought things would just work out on their own when it came to long term thinking. This was often the time when Haiku had to step in and help her, and why they worked together so well as co-presidents of the Mortician’s club.

Haiku almost jumped at her friend, seizing Lucy’s shoulders and shaking them in exasperation, one of the few times Haiku’s voice left it’s typical monotone quality, “Lucy! How was Lincoln going to be with you and Clyde at the same time?! In cities an hour and a half apart from one another?!”

“I don’t know!!!” Lucy whined rather pathetically, throwing her arms around the shorter girl and pulling her into a hug of despair, “This is why you’re the brains and I’m just… I’m…a complete disaster!”

Lucy began to bawl all over again, more at her own pitifulness than anything else.

Haiku rolled her eyes at Lucy’s display. Between the two of them, Haiku was the less emotional one, and the better at long term planning, but Lucy was the better poet, the better speaker and the better motivator of their little morose group of goths at the school. She’d been the one to lead them to victory against their Emo rivals in the great battle for The Burnt Bean coffee shop last year. The Emo kids were still welcome but were forced to acknowledge The Burnt Bean belonged to the Goth subculture of Royal Woods.

Haiku patted Lucy’s back gently and spoke in a soothing tone, “Lucy, cut that out, you know you’re not a complete disaster. Just a minor one. Now listen to me. Wouldn’t it make sense for Lincoln to go to Wolverine? Then he’d be already there, waiting for you, right?”

Lucy stopped her sniffling, looking up and back to Haiku again, pouting as she gave a little nod, “M-m-maybe, but Lynn is there.”

Haiku sighed again and reminded herself she had to be patient with Lucy when she was given over completely to her emotions and not thinking logically, “Yes, but Lynn was always going to be there. The only way she wasn’t is if you made Lincoln wait to go to college with you, after Lynn had graduated, and you know that’s unfair right?”

Lucy huffed, looking down again, her face flushed. She knew Haiku was right, but she wanted to be a selfish child about it all, why couldn’t Lincoln just wait for her? Then they could take their classes together, graduate together, it would be wonderful! Yes, she knew that was unrealistic, completely so, and it was a selfish thought on her part, even if she thought it would be perfect and romantic, walking to class with him everyday and studying for their exams together. Sometimes her imagination got away from itself.

“I-I-I know.” Came Lucy’s voice so very soft and sad.

Haiku brought her hands back and folded them under her modest chest, “So what’s the issue then Lucy. It’s Lynn, isn’t it? You’re afraid Lincoln is going to dump you for Lynn.”

Lucy threw her hands up over her face and whined pathetically again, “Yes! Haiku, he has a special relationship with Lynn! He loves her, and she loves him too, and she’s in better shape than me, and she’s more, aggressive! She’s stronger, she always gets what she wants, she’s closer to him in age, and her Butt is way tighter and firmer than my own is!”

Haiku listened to all of her friend’s worst fears about her rival. That rival being Lucy’s own older sister. Competing for the right to their brother’s heart.

Fuck this was so intense and kinda hot!

Haiku felt a little guilty over how much she was enjoying this juicy drama unfold, even if she had put skin in the game and was doing her best to make sure her best friend was the victor.

But still, it certainly wasn’t boring!

In a way, it made her happier about herself and Clyde’s relationship. As interesting as Lucy’s dilemma was, she in no way wanted that for herself thank you very much. No, no, she was happy in her stable relationship with her dorky boyfriend and his big muscles thank you very much.

Haiku was nonplussed, and responded, “Lucy, you said Lynn was the one who has the hardest time with her attraction to Lincoln right? She’s not as comfortable with it as you and Leni are?”

Lucy’s voice had returned to it’s normal volume and tone after her outburst, she nodded again, “Yes, but she loves him Haiku, if not more than me, than as bad as me. She…She gave away her virginity just to try and get over Lincoln, and it ended up making things worse for her.”

Haiku winced hearing that. She turned her head away and frowned.

Society treated men and women unequally, it always had. Much as the modern day did it’s best to try and reduce those inequalities, there were still fundamental aspects of both the biology and sociology of male and female roles that seemed almost hardcoded.

For men, getting rid of their virginity was seen as something to discard as soon as possible, and in the worst examples of society, a man who got rid of it too late or never was considered a loser, a failure in life.

For a woman it was the opposite, her virginity was to be protected and held sacred until the right ‘one’ came along.

Much as both Haiku and Lucy were liberated women, who understood the double standard, there was still the aspect for a girl, that your first time was a bigger deal for them then it was for a boy. Due to the differences in biology if nothing else.

It made Haiku sympathize with Lynn. She had gone to that extreme. Some girls were fine with it and went about their lives no worse for wear after losing their virginity just as frivolously as a man, but not all of them.

Haiku had known she had been lucky with Clyde. They had taken one another’s virginity, and both were so logically minded they had no issues discussing sex, reading about different techniques, and experimenting with one another to maximize one another's enjoyment. Discussing the details almost clinically together was romantic in their minds. A reaffirmation of how dedicated they were to making each other feel good.

Just as Haiku knew Lucy had fulfilled her own romantic dreams the night she had given herself to Lincoln.

Haiku had to bring up an idea she knew Lucy would never go for. She had to bring up an impossible idea, she already knew the answer, but she had to put the option on the table for the Goth all the same.

Haiku spoke delicately, “Have you considered…. sharing him with Lynn?”

Lucy looked up, her lips parted in slight shock at the suggestion, before she brought her hands down to her knees, and she bunched her black dress up in her fingers. She shook her head back and forth, “No. No. Lynn would never go for that, I could never go for that. Lincoln, he would never accept it either. His last girlfriend tried to make him go Polyamorous.”

Haiku sighed and responded, “No, his last girlfriend used that as an excuse for shitty behavior and to cover up her cheating. Lucy, we know a few Poly couples in the Pagan community.”

Lucy frowned, glowering back, “And how many of those are healthy? How many of those last? Would you go for one Haiku? Would you share Clyde with someone else? Or make Clyde share you?”

Haiku frowned in response and spoke back with patience, “Yes, most of them don’t seem to work out, but we both know a few still going strong. I don’t think it’s for everyone, not even most people. No, I wouldn’t do it with Clyde and I…but Lucy…”

Haiku trailed off, before she fixed her friend with an intense gaze, speaking with a matter-of-fact tone, “This wouldn’t be you sharing Lincoln with just any other girl. This would be sharing him with your sister. Someone you even admit to loving yourself, even if you see her as a rival.”

Lucy continued to frown, continued to look upset, folding her own arms defensively as she looked away, “Lynn and I already discussed this. We admitted we can’t do it. We wouldn’t want to share him, we would be too focused on being his favorite. It would tear us all apart.”

Haiku gave a sad little smile as she looked up, “I didn’t think you’d go for it, but I thought it was worth a try. It would probably be the easier solution to everything.”

Lucy returned the sad smile and nodded, adding with a bitter chuckle, “I don’t think Lincoln could handle that level of stress anyway. Trying to hide two forbidden relationships from the rest of the family.”

Haiku nodded and gave a sad laugh in response, “Yeah, knowing your brother, it might just push him over the edge. Well Lucy, then it comes down to you trusting him, and making sure you come before Lynn in his mind. You’re going to have to play dirty. You’re going to have to use Lynn’s guilt against her, and Lincoln’s too.”

Lucy frowned again, her lips pulling up into a grimace. She brought her hands up to her upper arms and squeezed them, tightly, digging her nails in through the thin material of her dress, almost gouging her own flesh as she responded pained, “I know. I know. I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to cause them pain, but I want Lincoln so bad, I don’t want to let him go. This isn’t fair.”

Haiku reached over and pulled Lucy’s hands down away from her shoulders, taking a firm grip on them, “You chose the bitter path when you went on this Journey. What does the goddess teach us? What is the reality of life?”

Lucy repeated from the pagan scripts they had both read, from the Philosophy of European mystics before Christ had come, one mystics from all over the world who shared a much harsher view of life had, “Life is pain, life is blood, and hardship. But it’s joy, and absolution too. Gain doesn’t come without loss, and there is rebirth after fire. Nature is red in tooth and claw, both cruel and kind.”

Haiku nodded, “You’re going through your pain and fire right now my sister of darkness. You don’t stop, you keep going. The spring field is on the other side. But you have to fight for it.”

Lucy pulled her grip from Haiku and then brought her arms up to yank the girl back into her grasp, hugging her tightly. Haiku surprised at first returned the hug just as tightly, smiling softly. Lucy placed a kiss on Haiku’s head as she hugged her and whispered, “Thank you Haiku. Thank you so much. I couldn’t do any of this without you.”

Haiku sighed and smiled, “I know, but you’re my best friend and I love you.”

Lucy calmed down much more after that. She still had her worries but laying everything out with Haiku had made things better, clearer for her. She didn’t have Lincoln’s level of long-term planning, but then she wasn’t as worried about uncertainty as he was. Haiku was helping her with her own shortcomings. She owed her so much for that.

She texted Lincoln later that night, and eventually decided to meet up with some of their other friends from the Mortician’s club and hang out. It was a nice distraction, and a reminder of what she had outside of her home. At the end of the night she climbed into bed with Haiku and snuggled up with her. The two shared a deep bond that Lucy considered just as strong as the ones she shared with the rest of her sisters. Only Haiku was the sister Lucy got to choose for herself, which was what made their bond all the more special.

She doubted Clyde and Lincoln cuddled together, (though just imagining it made her smile and giggle softly) but she imagined he probably felt the same way about Clyde. She really hoped Clyde would accept this arrangement, if he could be brought on board as well…The four of them, they could have so much happiness and fun together in the future.

Lucy didn’t exactly sleep blissfully, but she didn’t sleep troubled either. But she was surprised when she was woken the next morning around 10:30 by the special ring tone she had set aside for her brother.

‘Cry little sister!’ went her phone, ‘Love is with your brother!’ followed the chorus of children singing ‘Thou shall not kill’, she had made it his official ringtone after their Halloween date.

She almost slid off of Haiku's Queen sized bed to grasp her phone up from the nearby floor. Really, what did such a small girl need with a bed so damn big?!

She took up the phone and slid her thumb over the answer button in moments, bringing it up to her ear and sounding far to excited than she wanted to, “Lincoln?!”

She heard it then, that kind voice, the one of her beloved answering back, “Hey Luce.”

Lucy couldn't help but smile again. Hearing the way he sounded, the tone in his voice, it gave her hope. Hope things between them were still strong.

“H-h-hey, um..” Lucy trailed off, trying to bring her own excitement back under control, speaking more in her typical monotone but with just a small inflection of emotion in it, “To what do I owe this early call my beloved?”

She heard Lincoln pause and take a deep breath, she thought he sounded embarrassed, “Well, I got your message last night and...”

He trailed off pausing. Lucy was practically holding her breath, wondering what he was going to say.

Finally he spoke again, “And I just want to say...I love you too Lucy. I love you so much, and I miss you. When I came home and you were gone, it made me worried, but I didn't want Lynn to...to..”

Lucy spoke up, already feeling intense emotion filling her once again, hearing those words she adored so much from her brother, those words she needed to hear in her very soul, “You didn't want to make her suspicious. I, I understand Lincoln.”

She heard Lincoln's own voice change slightly, more emotion in it, it sounded pained, “Lucy, this is so hard. I don't know sometimes if I'm doing things right, and I feel like, maybe I take you for granted more than I really should. You've always been in my life, and maybe a part of me thinks you always will be...”

Lucy smiled, already bringing her free hand up to wipe at her cheeks, her eyes misting over as she responded, “But Lincoln, I always will be in your life. No matter what.”

She heard him respond with that same pained tone, one that carried remorse in it, “I know, I know, but I don't want to take that for granted. I don't want you to feel like, you're not number one in my life. That you're not my girl.”

Lucy brought her free hand up to her lips, gently covering her mouth as she heard those words from the boy she loved more than anything else in the world. Her heart pounding and feeling so full now. She couldn't contain her smile as she responded softly, “Am I...your number one girl Lincoln?”

She heard him give a soft laugh in reply, she could tell he was nodding his head, “Yes, yes you are. You drive me crazy, in all the best ways. That was the new part that I'm still having the hardest time adjusting to, the way you can now just...” he trailed off and groaned to himself.

Lucy was practically grinning, she knew exactly what Lincoln was talking about. She felt pride swell in her, yes, she truly was his sex goddess, that was the new effect she had on him. One she loved so very much. She responded in such a teasing tone, “Oh Lincoln, are you embarrassed because you think your little sister is sexy? Because you think about doing naughty things to her so much?”

She heard Lincoln give a long drawn out sigh, followed by a groan of playful frustration, “Yes, Yes, I'm very embarrassed about it...” he gave a soft laugh, “But maybe it's a good thing. Maybe its...proof you were right, that it was okay for us to do this, because now you're the number one source of my fantasies..”

Lucy felt such absolute joy filling her again, unending joy and giddiness, she lifted her feet up behind her and kicked the air back and forth. She decided to tease him a little more, “The number one source, Lincoln shouldn't I be your only source?”

She caught him off guard with that, heard him sputtering and trying to explain himself, before her laugh cut him off. “It's okay Lincoln, I'm only teasing you.”

Lincoln sighed again, “You really don't know the hold you have over me.”

Oh, there was more of that dark thrill filling Lucy's very soul again. That acknowledgment of the power she had over her brother, “Isn't it fun though Lincoln? Isn't it fun being my boyfriend? Knowing all that? Knowing your little sister, the evil dark witch has a hold on you?”

She could hear Lincoln swallowing. She was playing with him, teasing him, being the dangerous femme fatale. The scary goth witch. She loved him, and she never had any intention of treating him poorly, but it was a fun game to be the bad influence on him, and watch his better nature try to come to grips with his own dark desires.

She heard his voice come soft, almost excited but resigned somehow at the same time, “Yes...It is.”

Lucy smiled again and replied softly, “Good.”

Lincoln groaned again and it was clear he was switching topics, “Why did you leave though Lucy?”

Lucy felt a little sad at the ending of the verbal game they had been playing, but decided her brother deserved an honest answer. It was her turn to sigh, her turn to frown, and her turn to go silent for a moment and make her brother wait before she finally replied, “I couldn't stand watching you and Lynn have a good time together while I was around. It's like, seeing you with another woman. I know the way she feels about you.”

She thought she could hear Lincoln wince on the other end. He was silent for a long while, before he responded, “That...It makes sense. I understand, but you know, I love her too Lucy, and I missed her. Lynn means a lot to me. Not in the way you mean to me, but intensely all the same.”

Lucy groaned and spoke in a softer tone, almost whimpering, “I know Lincoln, I know, and I would never deny you your bond with any of us. Not with Leni either, but maybe I'm still immature. Maybe I just, want to pretend she never came to visit this weekend and you're not spending two days with her.”

Lincoln paused again, she knew he was nodding once more before he spoke, “I understand. I know things are only going to get, weirder down the road with everything, but I really hope somehow we can all be a family still.”

There was a pause, and for a brief moment Lucy considered what Haiku had said earlier, sharing Lincoln. But she pushed the thought out of her head.

Lincoln went on, “We're going to Windsor tonight to watch a fight and spend time with Dad. More their kind of thing, but I'm happy to be spending time with both of them.”

Lucy smiled as she nodded without realizing it, “It sounds nice. Wholesome, even if in a slightly savage way, but then man is an inherently savage creature.”

She heard Lincoln chuckle softly, “Should of expected that from my little poet.”

Lucy decided she wanted to tease him some more, she wanted the good happy feelings between them to continue, “I was thinking of writing a poem about your dick. I was going to call it, an ode to my brother's cock.”

Lincoln's response was immediate, “LUCY!”

Lucy was cackling, she looked over her shoulder and saw Haiku beginning to stir. She winced and mouthed an apology before continuing, “But it really is beautiful Lincoln, it deserves it's own sonnet.”

Lincoln groaned, she could hear his hand coming up over his face, “Let's hold off on the dirty limericks right now Luce. What I wanted to say, is we need to do something together again soon. Another date somehow.”

Lucy gave a soft long sigh of bliss hearing that. Her Lincoln wanted to take her out, those happy butterflies were back in her tummy, and she rolled over to look up at the ceiling of Haiku's attic as she grinned, “I would like that Lincoln. I would like that more than you know. We should discuss it tomorrow when we're together again.”

She could hear Lincoln smiling on the other end, “Yeah, I would too. Somewhere we don't have to hide would be nice. We'll figure something out, but I gotta go now. I think Lynn said something about wanting us to hit up the park.”

Lucy stopped herself from scowling as she listened but nodded, “Okay my love, do have fun with our sister, I don't want you to feel guilty because of me. I love her too, I just...I'll need some time.”

Lincoln's voice was soft and friendly, “I understand honey.”

That caused both of them to suddenly go quiet. She could swear she heard the shock come from Lincoln's own expression, as an all too giddy smile spread across her lips, speaking back in her soft monotone, “That one was new big brother.”

Lincoln gave a nervous laugh, “Yeah, I uh...that slipped out on it's own.”

Lucy continued to grin, “I like it. I like to think I taste sweet as honey to you at least...” she teased taking a more sensual quality to her voice once more.

She could hear Lincoln groan, “...Luce....Honey, do you have to...”

Lucy smirked, feeling her confidence shine, her sense of worth returning, that feeling she would win and keep Lincoln all to herself growing, as she replied, “Yes, Yes I do, beloved.”

Lincoln breathed out, he coughed slightly and she could hear him smirking, “I love you Lucy. We'll talk later.”

Lucy replied happily, “I love you too Lincoln. Goodbye for now beloved.”

They hung up the phone.

Lucy threw her head back onto the bed, clasping the phone to her chest, stretching her legs out and practically kicking them back and forth as girlish glee filled her form. She didn't think she could get any happier in this moment. She turned looking towards Haiku who was clearly curious. Lucy leaned over, kissed her friend's cheek and spoke quickly, “Everything is going to work out just fine! I know it!”

She didn't know the intense guilt that was filling Lincoln's heart in this same moment.
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The Shadow of his Heart