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Swallow The Moon	By : GhostHelwig Category: +1 through F > Ed, Edd, and Eddy Views: 9539 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Ed Edd and Eddy, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
Disclaimer - I do not own or profit from Ed, Edd N Eddy or “Beautiful”. The Eds belong to AKA Cartoon, the Cartoon Network, and basically anybody but me. The song belongs to Joydrop.
Rated M for slash, adult situations, language, my heavy-handed angst - I’m sure all of you know the drill if you’ve read this far.
Author’s Notes - So… Um… Hi?
‘lol’
I know it’s been forever - years, I think - but I meant what I said; I never forgot this story. And I’ve picked it up right where I left off. On that note, you may want to re-read the last chapter or two in order to fully understand this one. It’s not necessary, I don’t think, but as there was such a huge gap in time between when I wrote this one and the last one, it might help. Especially since they take place at the same time…
Thank you all for the lovely comments you’ve left here in my absence. I am truly, truly sorry for the long, long wait. I hope to continue writing this story again at a rapid rate. Only time will tell.
Also, the biggest thanks for this chapter goes to KisaShikaObsessed (please check her out on deviantart) for sending me a lovely piece of fanart to go along with this fic. Not only was I completely flattered, but her picture and kind words about this story inspired me to finally finish the chapter sitting on my desktop. The picture can be found on her deviantart account (it’s called “Loosing You Beneath My Skin”... Sound familiar? Heh), and at my website (which is changing addresses as yahoo is deleting their free accounts). Please, send her some love.
This fic is also dedicated to darthelwig, without whom it would not exist.
All that said… Enjoy. Peace, all.
Those Not So Blessed
By Ghost Helwig

“You know, Sarah, if you’d just style your hair every once in a while, I bet Jimmy would like it.”
Sarah wondered, briefly, why Nazz thought she would care. But in the end, as her eyes wandered over the golden hair that kept Nazz’s eyes from quite looking at her, she decided that it didn’t really matter.
“If I was beautiful like you...”
She kept looking, even when Nazz started to move, shifting on her bed to a more comfortable position with her long legs hanging over the side. She gestured with one hand, and Sarah slid over, closer, fingers catching on little rough spots on the carpet. Her floor had seen rough usage, what with her own rambunctiousness and having the blundering, fumbling Ed for a brother, but she preferred to sit here when Nazz came over, let the older girl with her older aura and her overwhelming presence take up her bed because honestly, she couldn’t bear to sit in such a private space with her.
It made no sense, really. But Sarah never worried about making sense; she just worried about somehow remaining ‘her’.
“...oh, the things I would do.”
Sometimes she wondered why she bothered. She never really liked ‘her’, anyway.
Her eyes lit on Nazz’s silent lips, her soft face, for a moment, before she followed Nazz’s imperious gesturing and turned away.
Sometimes, it bothered her that she couldn’t find it within herself to not like her.
“Those not so blessed...”
After all, she knew who Nazz was, saw all that she did, everyone she inadvertently hurt (because Nazz never meant to do anything, you see; she wasn’t cruel, no sir, just stupid and blind)-
“...would be crying out ‘murder’...”
And she still loved her.
Still wanted to be like her.
“...And I’d just laugh...”
But then, Sarah knew that deep inside, she didn’t care about hurting other people.
“...And get away with it too...”
I’m heartless and she’s blind, she thought, a strange bitterness enveloping her chest as she watched Nazz finger comb her perfect hair. Every move Nazz made was executed flawlessly, yet without a hint of calculation behind it – one day, Sarah hoped to know the secret of how that was possible. (Only then could she emulate it successfully.)
What a pair we make.
“...like you do.”
“If only,” she muttered to herself, “I could... find the way to be like you.” Nazz met her gaze, eyes raindrops in a blue sky, and smiled.
“Well you’ll never find it,” she said softly, “if you’re looking for it.”
“If I was beautiful like you...”
Cryptic. How terribly like her. As if she really knew Nazz at all. As if she wanted to. As if she could, if she did.
Outside, the air was probably cleaner. Less stifling. She convinced Nazz to take a walk with her, out into the open where Sarah could be anything but.
“I would never be at fault…”
They left the house together, just in time to see eddy tearing by on the sidewalk, in a race to who-knew-where. Not that Sarah cared where he was going, either.
Still, she watched Nazz’s face out of the corner of her eyes- composed, resolute, as always. Sarah knew something had gone on between Nazz and Eddy, something that put more disdain than usual in Nazz’s eyes when he came up in conversation, but she had no idea what it was. Nazz had many secrets, and Sarah had never been allowed to know even one.
She never tells the truth. And I never could lie to anyone but my parents.
And Ed.
But Ed mattered less to both of them than even Eddy.
“I would walk in the rain…”
But they both turned to watch Eddy, just in time to see him hit Kevin so hard Kevin fell to the sidewalk. Nazz’s scream of Kevin’s name ripped through Sarah’s eardrums. Despite the pain, she raced forward beside Nazz, letting her feet fall into rhythm with the older girl’s. She was faster than Nazz, more athletic, but she never did feel right beating her in anything at all.
And even though it was bright out, when Eddy’s foot connected hard with Kevin’s face, a cold wind blew through Sarah’s insides.
“…between the raindrops…”
She should care about this, probably. She watched Rolf trying - and failing - to stop Eddy, and knew she should probably care. It was fun watching Eddy get his ass handed to him, which he would (idiot, attacking Kevin with Rolf right there), and at the very least, Kevin’s pain ought to move her. He was her friend… Kind of. She should probably care.
But the cold wind blew, and she felt nothing at all.
“…bringing traffic to a halt.”
Nazz cared. Nazz was practically beside herself, clinging to Sarah’s arm and staring at the scene before her with wide blue eyes. Sarah wondered briefly if Nazz even understood how fake she looked in that moment. Or maybe Nazz only looked like a painted mannequin to her.
“But that will never be.”
Eddy screamed, a terrible, haunted sound. Sarah froze upon hearing it, trying to see Eddy’s face, see what caused that horrible wail. Kevin unintentionally obliged her, pulling Eddy to the ground by his foot. But even though she could see his face, she didn’t know Eddy well enough to read whatever emotion was behind the anger in his eyes.
“That will never, never be…”
And beside her, Nazz abruptly straightened, smoothing her skirt and releasing her death-grip on Sarah’s arm. Sarah watched her, and for once she could practically see the turn of Nazz’s thoughts written all over her pretty face.
She thinks this is about her.
“‘Cause I’m not beautiful like you…”
And the sickest part is, it probably is.
“I’m beautiful like me.”
No, Sarah. Be honest.
The sickest part is that you wish this was about you.
“…Beautiful like me…”
Jonny ran up beside them, close enough that the wind of his passing stirred Sarah’s hair. He cried out, a plea for Eddy to stop, and Sarah wanted to laugh. While Nazz preened and she didn’t care, Jonny actually gave a damn. Who said women were the weaker sex?
“If I was beautiful like you…”
Eddy was punching Kevin in the face, over and over. Rolf finally pulled him off, and during the struggle Jimmy walked quietly up behind Sarah. She felt his presence, and reached behind her to take his fingers in hers and pull him closer. He came willingly, his fingers cold against her skin.
She glanced at his face, but the wicked gleam in his eyes made her turn away.
“I’d be quick to assume…”
She turned back in time to see a now trapped Eddy smiling at the group of them, his teeth bared, his blue eyes gone dark and wild. If Sarah hadn’t trained every muscle in her body to be numb to fear, she might have backed off a step or two. That look was not entirely sane.
But apparently she was the only one to think so, as Kevin addressed Eddy readily enough, making conversation as though Eddy hadn’t just been trying to kill him.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“They’d do anything to please me…”
I’m a money-grubbing lunatic whose only friends are even dorkier than I am, and I’ve jacked off to your girlfriend’s picture so many times my hands are probably calloused. Just like every other stinkin’ boy in this neighborhood.
Oh, and I’m insecure about my height, too.
“Why not?”
She looked over at Nazz, just in time to see a small smile grace her perfect lips. Her thoughts probably weren’t all that different from Sarah’s own, then.
Except with an ‘I feel pretty’ thrown in there somewhere, too.
“I see the reaction when you walk into the room.”
And why not? Everyone loved her. She could tear the whole cul-de-sac apart with her looks if she wanted to. Only Rolf had ever remained immune to her… Rolf, and Jimmy.
Sarah squeezed Jimmy’s hand. Thank God for small favors.
“But that will never be.”
And then… Eddy opened his mouth.
“That will never, never be.”
“Double D.”
“‘Cause I’m not beautiful like you.”
Everyone stared at Eddy for a moment, including Sarah. She could feel laughter welling inside her, and had to use all her willpower to restrain the urge to give in and laugh out loud. Of course it was about Double D. Of course.
Nazz may think she’s the fairest one of all, but she isn’t really.
“I’m beautiful like me.”
“Idiots, the lot of you,” Sarah heard Eddy whisper. And for once, she completely agreed with him.
“Beautiful like me.”
Sarah heard Kevin question Eddy, but her attention had been momentarily drawn away by the look in Jimmy’s eyes as he watched them. He was so intent, so focused… She tried to remember the blast time he’d looked at her with such furious intensity.
“Beautiful…”
And then tried not to let it bother her when she couldn’t remember anything.
“…beautiful like me…”
Eddy was blaming Kevin now, blaming him for… something. Sarah had no idea what he was talking about, and even though she wasn’t looking at him his loud voice was grabbing her focus and grating on her nerves. He blamed Kevin for everything - how, exactly, was this different from any other day?
Take some responsibility for yourself, idiot. Before you forget how.
“…like me…”
And then you’ll be me.
“Like me.”
Her eyes were drawn back to Eddy’s face against her will. It wasn’t a pretty picture. Red-rimmed eyes, a hint of sleepless color under them, tear-stained cheeks… He barely looked like Eddy anymore.
Yet he still looked uncomfortably familiar.
“If I was beautiful like you…”
Eddy wasn’t sobbing, but his voice came out sounding very unlike him- full of pain, strained… broken.
“You ruined… everything.”
“I’d have so many friends.”
Also despite herself, Sarah understood.
“All fighting for my time…”
Kevin and Nazz… The perfect people. They’re not like you and me. They’ll never know what it’s like to be hated. To be ignored. To have the world not fall at their feet every time they enter a room.
“…to be next in line…”
But I don’t want to have anything in common with you, she thought, watching Kevin land his first punch, which sent Eddy straight to the ground (just as expected).
I can’t have anything in common with you.
“So if I hurt one…”
You’re weak.
“I wouldn’t have to make amends.”
Kevin and Rolf were really laying into Eddy now, the sounds of their feet connecting with his soft flesh the perfect counterpoint to the sound of Jonny running away. Another weakling.
“God, this is stupid,” Sarah heard herself saying. And it really was. “C’mon, Nazz, let’s go.”
And now that they both knew this had nothing to do with her, Sarah was certain Nazz would agree- if this wasn’t about her, what was the point of her staying around? But Nazz surprised her yet again.
“No,” Nazz said softly. “I… need to see this.”
“That will never be…”
Sarah sighed, and tugged on Jimmy’s hand. But when she looked at him, his eyes were glued to Eddy, his breathing coming in little shallow gasps. He didn’t even notice when she dropped his hand.
“That will never…”
Frustrated with them both and Eddy too, Sarah stalked off - let the others sort through their little drama. She wanted none of it. She had more important things to do with her time.
Yet halfway to her house she changed direction, and entered Jimmy’s instead.
“…never be…”
His house was empty, quiet. A welcome relief from the bloody chaos outside. She wandered upstairs to Jimmy’s room, a sanctuary she had always cherished. Jimmy had no older brother to mess up his things, no father who said nothing or mother who was too easily fooled by big eyes and fake tears. No, Jimmy’s father pushed him too hard, but he was kind enough to her, and his mother smelled like lemon and gave her kisses on the cheek like she was a good girl, even though she knew better, even though now Sarah was too old.
“‘Cause I’m not beautiful like you…”
His dad just uses your presence as a sign that his son isn’t a sissy. Even though Jimmy only kisses you when you make him. And his mother lets him get away with murder, just like yours does for you. Don’t kid yourself, Sarah.
But not even her own traitorous thoughts could make this place less of a home.
“I’m not beautiful like you…”
No one was there at the moment, though, and for that Sarah was grateful. Until Jimmy got done watching Eddy be pounded into the pavement, she wanted to rest in his room. His bed was even more comfortable than hers, and it smelled like he did… Like sweetness, fabric softener, soap, fresh flowers… Everything soft and clean and pure.
“I’m not beautiful like you…”
She’d heard their fathers talking once as they watched television in her living room, Jimmy’s father lamenting how Sarah was the son he’d never had, that Jimmy could’ve been her own father’s daughter instead. She’d been hiding in the back of the room, hiding so her daddy wouldn’t see the mud she’d dragged in with her (that way later she could blame it on Ed), but she paused in her silent crawl towards the doorway. Surely her father would disagree, and defend her and Jimmy.
But he never did.
“I’m beautiful like me.”
And why would he? She knew she was less of a woman than Nazz, less of a woman than even Jimmy. He’d hate her forever if she said it to his face, but it was still true. He was the woman in their relationship - soft, gentle, secretive.
And she was the man - loud, blundering… stupid.
“Beautiful like me…”
She collapsed on Jimmy’s bed; her eyes ached. What a stupid, ridiculous, pointless day this was turning out to be. Nothing had gone right - nothing had gone the way she wanted. As if she even knew what she wanted…
She rolled over onto her stomach, shoving her hands under Jimmy’s pillows so she could rest her head on them more comfortably. If she could only-
“…beautiful like me…”
Her hand had brushed up against something out of place among Jimmy’s (synthetic, hypoallergenic) silk sheets and ultra-soft pillows. She pulled it out, staring in mute, stupefied amazement at the familiar piece of black fabric clutched in her suddenly strengthless fist.
“…I’m beautiful like me…”
Because in all the times she’d ever seen that hat, it hadn’t ever not been on Double D’s head.
“…I’m beautiful like me.”
Her stomach sank.
- 17
- 18
- 19
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Swallow The Moon