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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!	By : V021 Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2643 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Instead of an introduction, I shall bestow upon you this Ring of Power. But beware! For it has a great and evil power. On it, there is an inscription in a dark ancient tongue, unknown to the race of Man and unspoken by the Eldar. It translates as follows: “One Dib to rule them all, One Dib to find them, One Dib to tempt them all, and in this Madness bind them!” And, lo, J.R.R. Tolkien does roll in his grave...

Chapter 17: The Fellowship of the Dweeb

From the vantage of a cliff, Dib stared at the valley below. “Are you sure this is where Todd lives?”
G.I.R. nodded vigorously. “YES! Squee lives here now ‘cause he’s special!”
“Oh yeah,” sneered Dib as he watched an armed patrol pass behind the first row of electrified fence. “He sure is special…”
God, how long had it been? Maybe a year or so…It felt like centuries since the last time he’d seen this place. And now, here he was, looking down at the headquarters of the top-secret government organization Dib himself had help found: M.I.N.D.P.H.U.C.K. Okay, so maybe the acronym for the Military Institute for the Neutralization of Paranormal Horrors, Unnatural Catastrophes, and Kryptoids was a bit awkward thanks to a certain high-ranking politician’s insistence on spelling cryptoid with a ‘k’ to make it look “cool” on the letter head. But that wasn’t half as bad as having to explain to Major Dirk Rankle why he hadn’t returned his phone calls… In fact, Dib was rather unsure what was worse about this turn of events: finding out his sister was dating an inhuman monster or facing a room full of his exes.
Still, vengeful exes or not, getting rid of the Todd factor was a matter of saving not only the Earth—again...—but also the one chance Dib had at saving the nicest, sweetest person he’d ever known. With Gretchen on his mind, Dib boldly strode toward the front gates with all the determination and seriousness of an angsty superhero. And G.I.R. cheerfully skipped along behind him, oblivious as usual.
At the front gates was a small but heavily fortified guard post manned by a pair of soldiers. One of them was a heavy-set middle aged man idly reading a tabloid while the younger guard dutifully watched for trouble. They barely reached the gates before the younger guard eagerly jumped out and leveled a machine gun at Dib.
“HALT! This is a highly secured area!” began the guard in a commanding, well rehearsed tone. “Civilians are not allowed past this point with full authorization! If you don’t leave immediately, we are authorized to use force up to and including lethal force! Do you understand this warning?” He waited a moment for Dib to reply, but when the other only glare at him, then barked, “¡Alto! ¡Esto es un área altamente asegurada! ¡No se permite a los civiles más allá de este punto con la autorización completa! ¡Si usted no se va inmediatamente, nos autorizan a utilizar la fuerza hasta e incluir la fuerza mortal! Usted entiende esta advertencia?"
“Yes, I understand,” Dib sneered, more annoyed than angry. “Now could you please let me in?”
“But-uh…You’re not authorized,” squeaked the guard.
Groaning, Dib took his glass off to rub his eyes. “And just how can you be sure? I mean, you haven’t even asked to see my identification yet!”
“OH! Sorry!” Clearing his throat, the guard shifted back to the Official Random Guard Voice. “Authorization is required to pass beyond this point. May I see class=GramE>your…uh, your… Crap!” Turning to the other guard, he asked hopelessly, “Hey, sarge! Do we just need to see the ID card or am I gonna need to retina/DNA scan him too?”
With a sigh, Sgt. Wedge sat aside his tabloid. “For the hundredth time, kid, all you need to do is let’em—HOLY SHIT! BIGGS, YOU DUMBASS! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? PUT THAT FUCKING GUN AWAY!?!” he screamed as he jumped to his feet immediately, and saluted Dib while Biggs the new guy stood dumbfounded and mouth gapping. “Sorry about that, Dr. Mabuse, sir! Biggs’ new around here. Good to see you back, sir!”
“Nice to see you too, Wedge.” Dib muttered with a small grimace. “You do know you can just call me Dib, right? There’s no need to be formal or anything…”
“Sorry, sir, but you know we’re not supposed to be too ‘chummy’ with the CO’s,” groused the sergeant.
“I take it Major Asshole is here?”
Wedge nodded. “Yeah, and what’s worse, there’s also a shit load of bigwigs on hand for the Meeting.”
“Meeting?” Dib cocked an eyebrow. “What meeting?”
“You know, the Special Emergency Meeting. That why you came back, right, sir?” Then it dawned on him that Dib still had no idea what he was talking about. “Good grief, sir! I thought you knew!”
“Know what?”
“We’re under attack, sir! Attack by beings from OUTER SPACE!” replied the sarge with suitable amounts of awe and dread.
Dib rolled his eyes. “Oh! Is that all? For a second there I thought it was something serious…”
Now he joined Biggs in gapping in shock at Dib.
Taking a deep breath, Dib waited until the sarge regained his composure before grumbling, “It’s been nice seeing you again, but could you please open the gates? I’m in kind of a hurry here and I’d like to get done before—”
“DIB!”
Flinching at that sound, Dib looked rather scared to see a jeep come screeching to a halt in front of gate and a beautiful blue-haired girl leapt out. She raced toward him as physics bent into the sparkly slo-mo of Shojo-style romance to embrace the now pleasantly surprised young paranormalist. His relief was short-lived, however, when the girl slammed her kneecap into his groin.
“I don’t think I deserved that…” whimpered Dib as he curled up into his private world of hurt. “And what is it with everyone and kicking me in the balls lately?”
“Because those are the only things I know you care about,” Zita snapped back. “Now get up. We’ve got briefing to get to.”
“Again, what the hell are you all talking about?” Dib growled, straightening his coat as he climbed into the passenger seat. G.I.R. hopped dutifully into his lap.
“You really are out of the loop, aren’t you?” she muttered, driving away from the first guard point at a break-neck pace. “Don’t worry. Dirk’ll explain during the briefing.”
Dib arched an eyebrow. “Dirk? Since when have you and the Major been on a first name basis?”
“Since you ditched both of us on that godforsaken island in Sumatra with those fucking rat-monkeys!”
“You’re still mad about that?”
“Yes. Yes I am,” hissed Zita.
She didn’t say anything else for the rest of the trip, occasionally giving Dib the evil eye. He was relieved when they reached the main building and Zita ushered him and G.I.R. inside. As they walked down the corridor in silence, Dib couldn’t help but feel an unpleasant mixture of emotions, ranging from shame over his past behavior, some jealousy about finding out Zita was with Dirk now, and the overwhelming despair at the realization that things were only going to get worse, especially if his suspicions about who was behind the ‘Alien Invasion’ were correct…
Suddenly, G.I.R. squealed and pointed joyfully at something that made Dib smile.
“Fuck!” For the fifth time, Sgt. Casil tried shake loose the bag of beef-flavored jerky from the vending machine by the conference room. And again the bag hung temptingly out of his reach.
Dib gave the machine a little psychic tweak, causing the whole row of jerky to spill out. When the surprised young man turn, Dib was shaking his head and grinning. “Some things never change…”
“Dib!” Laughing happily, Casil bear-hugged him while the robot dove headlong into the jerky.
Hugging back, Dib found himself laughing a bit too. “Nice to know somebody around here missed me.”
“Let me guess,” Casil started, breaking away to grab some jerky before G.I.R. ate it all. “Dirk dragged you into this mess too.”
“Nope! Just have really bad timing. So, how have you been?”
“Pretty good,” replied the sergeant. “In fact, I was right in the middle of a date when Major Rankle called me in.”
“That sucks. So I guess you’re still seeing that artist girl?”
“We broke up.”
“Oh! Sorry.”
Casil shrugged. “Don’t be. Believe me it was best thing for both of us considering my condition...”
“Well that’s good.” Dib said brightly, and then his tone shifted nastily. “I bet Pepito was thrilled about that…”
“Actually, I’m not sleeping with him anymore either.”
“Oh god… Please don’t tell me you and that guy…” murmured Dib, shuddering at the memory of Casil’s psychotic neighbor.
“No,” hissed Casil grimly. “And the less we say about Johnny, the better.”
“Okay…” Dib hurried to get Casil’s mind off that subject before anything bad happened. “Well, why don’t you tell me about your new, uh…?”
“Girlfriend. And she’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me.” Casil sighed, smiling dreamily. “She’s absolutely amazing, Dib! She’s brilliant, funny, and absolutely gorgeous… God, if you could only met—”
He stopped mid-sentence and looked over at G.I.R., who had succeeded in climbing into the vending machine and was gorging itself on snacks. The robot smiled and waved.
Casil gave Dib the weirdest look. “Where did he come from?”
“G.I.R.? Oh, he—uh, it is just a little alien robot… Don’t worry, though. It’s harmless. And stupid.” When he noticed that his friend was still staring at him oddly, Dib let out an annoyed little sigh. “It’s not what you think. You see, G.I.R.’s not mine. It belongs to Gaz. There’s a funny story behind how she got him. See, G.I.R. used to belong to Zim—you know, that crazy bastard I was keeping tabs on—, but I sort fried its brains and then Gaz rebuilt it so now G.I.R. thinks she’s its master…”
“I know.”
Dib raised an eyebrow. “So she has been here? And you’ve met her?”
“Yeah,” Casil answered in a voice that was eerie and malevolent. “I’m her boyfriend.”
For a moment, Dib only stared in disbelief. When the shock wore off, he managed to mutter, “You? You’re the mysterious Todd?”
“Dib, we’ve known each for almost two years. How many other Todds do you know?”
“I was really, really, REALLY hoping it’d just be a weird coincidence…” Dib groaned hopelessly. Then he suddenly went grim. “Okay, so maybe I suspected Gaz’s mystery boy might turn out to be you, but given everything I know about you and your abnormally strong instinct for self-preservation, I never actually believed you’d be stupid enough to get involved with Gaz. She makes Johnny look like a cuddly baby bunny!”
“And how would you know?” Todd hissed, his tone shifting dangerously.
Dib sighed. “Look, we don’t really have the time for me to explain why dating Gaz is only for the suicidal. Let me just say that I’ve known her much longer than you have and I’ve had first hand experience with the horrific things she’s capable of inflicting upon a person.”
Todd seemed ready to kill Dib but Zita suddenly reappeared.
“If you boys are done, we have a world to save…” With that, she shoved them both into the War Room.
Painfully aware that Casil was glaring death at him, Dib cautiously took a seat between Zita and some top-ranking military type while the sergeant sat across from them.
“Glad you could finally join us, Doctor,” hissed Major Rankle when he caught sight of Dib. “I trust you’ve been brought up to speed on the current situation.”
“Actually, no. I haven’t a fucking clue what all this is about, but I’m going to take a wild guess that Zim has something to do with it.” He chuckled, leaning back and propping his feet on the table. “In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the little fucker told you guys that he was getting ready to conquer the Earth, enslave humanity, and that the Armada will be here any minute now. Am I right?”
For a moment, all Rankle and the rest of military brass gaped in shock at how unconcerned Dib was acting. Only Casil seemed to share the paranormal superstar’s relaxed attitude.
“Yeah,” Casil answered in a eerily detached tone. “Only you left out the fact that the Armada now just passing the planet—” A couple of scientists gave him dirty looks. Casil’s lip curled in disgust, “Excuse me, the ‘trans-Neptunian object’ Pluto, and will be within firing distance of Earth in approximately five days. Oh, and about the whole ‘conquest’ thing? See, there won’t be much more than cosmic dust left to conquer since Zim was apparently setting up a massive laser array to obliterate Earth from orbit.”
Dib raised an eyebrow. “Is that all?”
“Pretty much.”
“And you believed his bullshit?” Dib barked, cackling madly. “Dear god… You morons! Don’t any of you get it? Zim’s playing with you! There’s no Armada! It’s just a trick! It’s always been a fucking GAME to him! He’s trying to bluff the world governments into thinking there’s an alien invasion under way and set off a global panic which he’ll try to manipulate to fulfill his own twisted little schemes for revenge…”
“Against you.” Casil finished dryly. “And against the co-regents of his homeworld. See, Zim’s plan included the assassination of the Almighty Tallests so he could take over the Irken Empire.”
“And I suppose Zim told you this, right?”
“Yes. He did.” There was a nasty smile on Casil’s face. “If you don’t believe me, Dib, then why not ask him yourself? He’s in a holding cell down in the Red Zone. You better hurry, though. Tomorrow, he’ll be transported to the Hanger 18 faculties at Wright-Paterson Airbase for vivisection and study.”
Dib stared blankly at Casil for several moments. Then his expression shifted from casual sarcasm to something more psychotic. “Really? And do you mind if I ask just who put him there?”
Casil easily matched Dib with his own twisted little smile. “I did.”
“I see.” There was a deceptive calmness in Dib’s tone as he settled back in his chair…and then lunged for Casil with surprising speed and fury, sending them both sprawling to the floor.
“Gentleman, you can’t fight in here!” Rankle barked. “This is the War Room!”
They kicked, clawed, and slugged at each other brutally until a small squad of heavily armored MPs managed to pry the boys apart.
“You sick bastard!” Casil screamed, breaking free from the men restraining him to thrust an accusing finger at Dib. “YOU’RE FUCKING THE ENEMY!”
“AND YOU’RE FUCKING MY LITTLE SISTER!” Dib roared back, flinging aside the MPs easily.
Casil’s righteous anger deflated in surprise. “Gaz is your sister?”
“Yes, she’s my sister! My little baby sister! Didn’t you fucking know that?!”
“Actually, no.” Casil muttered, looking sheepish. “She never really talked much about her family, just something about having a crazy idiot of a brother…”
“Yeah,” grumbled Dib. “That sounds like something she’d say.”
There was a long pause.
Finally, Casil laughed nervously. “Boy, this is awkward…”
“Forget about it.” Dib snapped. “Just take me to see Zim.”
Suddenly, Rankle cut in. “I cannot let you do that, Dib. No matter justified you are to take revenge for the heinous and degrading things the alien son of a bitch did to you while you were under it’s control, I’m bound by both my duty to this great country and military regulations to deliver it alive to Wright-Patterson for further study.”
Before Dib could correct the major about certain facts, Casil barked, “That’s exactly the reason why Dib must be allowed to see Zim! So he can confront the alien personally for the monstrous crimes it committed and be able to at least have closure.”
“You’ve made a very convincing point, sergeant…” murmured Rankle, still eyeing Dib suspiciously.
Dib met his gaze with a steely glare. “Yes. That’s exactly what I want from Zim. I want closure.”
“Very well,” growled Rankle in a voice that betrayed his suspicions about Dib. “I’ll grant you clearance under one condition: Sergeant Casil and Zita must remain with you at all times. Do you understand?”
“That’s fine with me,” Dib replied pleasantly. He turned and headed toward the door.
“Wait!” gasped the Presidential Aide. “What about the Armada?! And the Invasion?!”
“It can wait.” On that, Dib stormed out of the War Room with Zita and the sergeant running to catch up. Once they were in the elevator and out of earshot of the bigwigs, Zita rounded on him.
“What the hell was that all about?! I mean, sure, Todd’s seeing your sister but this really isn’t the time—”
“It’s not about Gaz,” Dib replied, coldly glaring at Casil. “It’s Zim.”
Zita growled in frustration. “Oh, for god’s sake! Look, I understand you’re pissed and you have every right to be after what he did to you…”
“And just what did Zim do to me? Besides brutally murder Mary-Anne, put me in a coma, and kidnap Gretchen?”
She gave Dib the oddest stare. “He raped you.”
Suddenly, he began to laugh. “Oh really? So Zim raped me?! And just why do you believe that?”
“Because that’s what I told them,” answered Casil, moving in closer. “I had a…hunch and tracked you to the abandoned sanitarium, but I was too late. By the time I got there, you—eh, Zim had escaped. I couldn’t find you, but there was evidence to suggest a humanoid had been bound, tortured, and sexually assaulted. You know…blood and seminal fluid. When the lab techs checked the samples, a good amount of these fluids came up as unknown and definitely not terrestrial in origin, but the rest matched your DNA perfectly so they assumed…”
“That Zim attacked me?” Dib laughed filling the elevator with a cold ringing. “That’s funny, Casil. I could’ve sworn it was Zim strapped down to the table…”
“What are you saying, Dib?” snapped Zita, confused and angry.
“Zita, you saw what I did to Zim,” came the slightly cracked giggle. “You were at the Prom. You were there when I beat the hell out of him… You were even helping Gretchen clean the blood off his ugly green face! And yet you believed it was Zim who was violating me?”
She kept shaking her head with an expression of revolted disbelief. “You’ve done some pretty sick things, but… God, Dib! Even you aren’t capable of that.”
“You’d be surprised at what I’m capable of.”
Zita stared at him, horrified, and then turned to Casil. “That can’t be true! Todd, you said…you said…”
But the sergeant only looked straight ahead as the elevator jerked to a stop and the doors hissed open. “We’re here.”
They walked out onto a metal deck overlooking the vast Containment Vault. There were thousands upon thousands of specimen lining the chamber, but there was one lone cylinder set out in the middle of the vault. It had a soft reddish glow, turning the prisoner’s skin a garish pink.
Dib started down the stairs, then noticed Casil and Zita were still standing by the elevator.
“Well?” he asked. “Aren’t you supposed to stay with me?”
Casil shrugged, pulling a set of headphones out his pocket. “We’re good. You go ahead.”
He looked toward Zita, but she turned away in disgust. With a snort, Dib descended and went up to the cylinder. He stared at Zim floating inside, naked and with wires struck all over him. At first, it looked as if the alien was sleeping peacefully but suddenly his one good eye popped open and an unpleasant smile slithered across Zim’s face.
“Hello, Dib,” he hissed. “I’m so glad you could finally make it. Sorry you missed the fun.”
Dib looked back at him, his face blank and tone devoid of emotion. “Where is she, Zim?”
“I expected better of you,” the alien continued. “You just couldn’t be bothered to finish me yourself, could you Dib?”
“Where is she, Zim?”
“You disappoint me, Dib.” Zim chuckled and rambled on obliviously. “Sending your smelly little minion after me? A pathetic crazy boy?! Frankly, I’m insulted.”
“Where is she, Zim?” repeated Dib, his voice now hinting at a mounting rage. “Where is Gretchen?”
The smile vanished from the alien’s face as his expression shifted from arrogance to fury as he screamed, “Gretchen?! Is that all you care about?! The GIRL?!”
“Just tell me where she is, Zim.”
Zim’s face twisted hideously, rage blazing in his one glowing green eye. Then he abruptly started to giggle madly, grinning as if in on a nasty little joke.
“What’s so funny, Zim?”
“Haven’t they told you?” asked Zim, shaking with laughter.
“Told me what, Zim?” Now Dib was panicked. “What have you done to her, Zim?! What did you do to Gretchen?!”
Still cackling, the alien gave his nemesis a deranged smile. “Fuck you, Dib.”
Blinded by rage, Dib rushed at the cylinder only to be stop short by an abrupt dizzy spell. He staggered backwards into the waiting arms of Casil, who dutifully carried him back to the elevator where Zita was waiting. The last thing Dib heard before he blacked out again was Zim’s laughter ringing in his ears.

(Teaser for the next chapter: Dib’s ‘mysterious’ blackouts will finally be explained, as well as what happened to Gretchen. And Todd? Well, that’s to be explained in future chapters of Here’s Hoping…, a JtHM fic that parallels the events of this trilogy.)
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