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Total Drama Universal Restraints Inn	By : Flashlight & Zetastrophe-Now Category: +S through Z > Total Drama Island Views: 14143 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Total Drama and it's characters are copyrighted property of Teletoon, Fresh TV, Tom McGillis, and Jennifer Pertsch. Please support the official release.

Chapter List
- 14
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- 16
Ira walked into the gymnasium, looking for a refreshment. He walked past Eva, who was running on a treadmill. "How's it going, Eva?"
"Eh." Eva shrugged. "Alright."
Ira walked to the other side of the gymnasium, where a water dispenser stands. The dispenser is supplied by a 10-gallon water jug sitting upside down. The dispenser also provides Styrofoam disposable cups for those who wish to have a drink. Ira grabbed one of the cups and placed it under the nozzle of the dispenser before filling the cup with water. As soon as Ira pressed the button at the top of the faucet, water escaped from the nozzle until Ira released the button.
"So, did you get tuckered out?"
"It's a long story. Getting the nineteen girls of Total Drama into the inn isn't an easy task." Ira took a sip of water. "But it will be worth it soon enough."
"What did you have to go through?"
"Well, the first thing we had to do is use Mal's return to lure Zoey into the inn."
"Go on..." Eva smirked.
"Gladly." Ira let out a devious smile. "We conned Courtney and Heather by persuading them to join a nonexistent competition."
"I'm sure they will be surprised to learn that."
"I'll say, especially when they're placed in the Daemon Wing."
"Oooh, risky!" Eva let out a devious smile.
"Bridgette and Dawn became two of the inn's pets after I negotiated with them. I'm sure Dawn would keep Bridgette's sanity in check."
"Pets?"
Ira shrugged. "It's an Angel Wing activity that matched their taste for nature."
"Alright,"
"The next one was easy. Gwen and her mother wanted to go to the inn, so we obliged them. I'm certain that they're loving their vacation at the Daemon Wing."
"Man."
"Katie and Sadie were sent to the Angel Wing together. We used a pair of twins that aren't part of the staff for this task. The next girl we retrieved was you, and I'm telling you right now that you're lucky we gave you complete freedom of motion. Your strength would've rendered all of our Angel Wing restraints useless, and the Heavy Holder model you were transported in was purchased from the military."
"Okay then..."
"I was going to straight-up kidnap Lindsay, but with Beth around, we had to have a discussion about the inn and their vacations."
"That must have been boring."
"I'll say..." Ira wiped his lips with the back of his hand. "To make up for it, I decided to give Blaineley a little punishment for criticizing the Inn without giving it a chance. She's in the Daemon Wing now."
"Serves her right."
"Mhmm. Leshawna was a difficult one to get. I was going to have the staff leave her alone, but Jo from Total Drama Revenge of the Island managed to beat her in a wrestling event I've held."
Eva's eyes widened at Ira's remark. "Damn... I never thought Leshawna would have it in her."
"Well, she did"
"Anyone else?"
"Well..." Ira took another sip from the cup. "The staff and I set up a date between Sierra and her idol, Cody, at a restaurant-styled setup we've created for those two."
"Oh, lord. Sierra swoons over that nerd to no end."
"Tell me about it..." Ira rolled his eyes. "Anyways, our next subject was Anne Maria. She really had the boys running, and that session between her and my wife, oh my God."
"What can ya expect? She's basically Snooki but taller."
"Mhmm..." Ira took a third sip of water before refilling the cup. "Dakota was quite easy. All we had to do is give her princess-like restraints, especially since she's a wannabe celebrity."
"Nice..." Eva turned off the treadmill and got off. She then approached Ira. "Who did ya get now?"
"Jo." Ira wiped his lips. "She was the reason why I'm taking a bit of a break here."
"What can I say? She compares herself to me."
"Now, I have only two contestants left to grab: Staci and Izzy." Ira take another drink of water.
"Who's Staci?"
"She's another Total Drama Revenge of the Island contestant. As far as I know, she lies... A lot..."
"How bad is it?"
"If you're a noob at Flappy Bird, try scoring 20 points in the game. That's how bad Staci's lying habits are..." Ira walked to the gym's entrance. "That girl's a dam of bullshit, I tell ya!" Ira walked out of the gym and turned to his left, only to see Chris ten feet away from him. "Hey, Chris."
"Hey, Ira. How about we go for Staci next."
"Looks like I've got no other choice..." Ira reluctantly acknowledged Chris's statement. "That girl's a dam of bullshit, and if there's anything that I hate, it's being drowned by lies."
"So, what's the plan?"
"Well, I would just kidnap her, but the Council of Villainous Lawyers advised against it."
Ira's rant was cut off by a confessional, which involves Duncan mocking Ira's attorneys.
"Ha! What a joke! At least Hasbro didn't name their girly show Magical, Colorful Ponies that Have Tattoos on Their Butts."
"Why the hell is this guy even here at all?!" Ira shouted.
Back at the scene, Ira paced the floor, thinking about a way to get Staci. Things seemed bleak, but an idea just appeared in Ira's head. "Ya know, maybe I could talk this over with an old buddy of mine..." Ira pulled out his cell phone and dialed a phone number.
"Umm... Who are you calling?"
"You'll see, Chris..."
At the Celebrity Manhunt Studio, a white man answers the phone. The man has short, black hair spiked upward at the front of his head, and his eyes were as blue as turquoise. On his body, he wore a black tuxedo and a matching set of men's dress pants. "Hello?"
"Josh! How's it going, man?"
"Things are going well, Ira. How's the resort business going?"
"Well, looks like we're having a special event going on at the inn."
"Really?"
"You see, Chris made payments for nineteen vacations at the inn: one for each of the girls of Total Drama."
"Oh, I heard news that Blaineley competed on the show. How is she doing?"
"Oh, I sent the bitch to the Daemon Wing. Trust me, she'll be in for a wild ride."
"Well, at least she's in, given our conflicting opinions about the Inn."
"Mhmm. Anyway, are any episodes of Celebrity Manhunt scheduled this week?"
"Well, today's episode focuses on the contestants of Total Drama who placed last in each season. Ezekiel, Geoff and Bridgette, Staci, and Lindsay are expected to appear on this episode."
"Could you cancel Bridgette's and Lindsay's appointments? They're at the inn right now, and guests are basically forbidden to leave inn grounds."
"Very well. That leaves Ezekiel, Geoff, and Staci."
"Well, I hope you don't mind having a little intervention. Staci is supposed to be one of our guests, and our transportation team is meant to take her there."
"Not at all. It'll just be a simple ratings boost, nothing more or less."
"Now, here's the plan. Just listen to Staci's annoying falsehood for as long as you can. Once you've had enough, simply mess with your tie and we will do a silent release on the lock to Ezekiel's cage. Once Staci's distracted by Ezekiel, Chris and I will shoot tranquilizers at the scene and 'accidentally' hit Staci. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Okay, I'll see you in an hour at the most." Ira hung up the phone and turned to Chris. "Now, how are we gonna handle Staci's obnoxious forgery?"
At a distance, the sound of a king's trumpeters bellowed from the distance, followed by a dwarf dressed like a squire running down the hall. The dwarf stopped three feet away from Ira. "Here ye, here ye! Prepare to meet his royal highness!"
Ira scratched his head. "There's a king in the palace?"
The trumpet concerto played Marche Royal as a chubby, dark-skinned man walked down the halls of the inn. The man had an afro that's twice as large as his head, and his beard reached out long enough to cover his neck. He wore a gray shirt, which had a sweat stain near his belly. His pants are supported by two suspenders on his chest, and a pair of black shoes embraced his feet. As the concerto finished playing, the man approached Ira.
"Presenting... Beardo!" The dwarf directed his right arm toward the chubby man. The chubby man gave a thumbs-up to Ira, greeting him.
"What is this?" Ira put his hand inside Beardo's afro, but found no sign of a crown anywhere. "Okay, why did that orchestra play for you when you're not even a king?"
"Oh, you mean this orchestra?" Beardo vocalized Marche Royal, which sounded exactly as Ira heard it. Beardo was the orchestra that Ira heard minutes ago. "Yeah, I do this a lot."
"Then... What's he doing here?"
"Oh, that's just my best friend..." Beardo crouched and whispered into the dwarf's ear. "You can run along now, Reggie."
Reggie walked away from the group, leaving Beardo and Ira to their business.
"Why do you make sound effects and noises?"
"I'm usually shy around others, and until I warm up to people, I tend to make sound effects and be generally bothersome."
"Huh..." Ira placed his hand on his chin. "You think you could drown out Staci's dishonesty with your effects?"
"Sure." Beardo gave Ira a thumbs up.
"Alright, let's move out!" Ira, Chris, and Beardo walked out of the hallway and out of sight of the camera's sight.
In a confessional, Beardo talks about his thoughts of the plan. "This is going to end quite well."
At the Celebrity Manhunt studio, Geoff, Staci, Ezekiel, and Josh are seen on the stage. Sitting on a red sofa on the left side of the stage, Geoff and Staci stared nervously at Ezekiel, who was locked in a cage next to the sofa. On the right, Josh sits on a Hollywood chair, preparing some questions for the "hastened stars," as they were known.
Geoff was a blonde man with a green ten-gallon hat. His eyes are sapphire blue, although it may be hard to tell since his eyelids usually drooped halfway open. His pink shirt is left unbuttoned, revealing his 8-pack abs.
Staci on the other hand was a chubby girl with brown hair. On her head, Staci wore a deep red ribbon tied in a bow. Her eyes bore the shade of the night sky on their irises. Staci wore a pink sweater and a pair of purple pants.
Ezekiel is the misfit of the pack. Ezekiel's skin was a sickly green, and his head was bald, save for a few strands of his original brown hair. His eyes were lined by a red glow, and his clothes were ragged.
Ezekiel lashed his right arm through the bars of the cage, which caused Staci to flinch in fear.
"No!" Josh grabbed a fly swatter and slapped Ezekiel's hand with it. "Bad Zeke."
Ezekiel growled at Josh.
"So Geoff... You were eliminated first on Total Drama Action, right?"
"Yeah... It was a double elimination."
"Who went with you?"
"My girlfriend, Bridgette."
"Soo... Why were the two of you eliminated first?"
"Well, I guess my fellow competitors did not quite approve of our relationship." Geoff was slightly unnerved about his girlfriend. "Speaking of which, where's Bridgette?"
"She couldn't be with us today, Geoff. She's on holiday."
"I could understand that."
"Well, I only have one more question for you. What happened to the Aftermath shows?"
"Oh, we had to disband after some legal issues."
Josh nodded, then turned to Staci. Staci waved to Josh with a smile on her face. Unknown to Staci, a fishing line is lowered over Staci's head and placed a set of soundproof headphones onto Staci's ears.
"Staci, what made you the first person eliminated on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island?"
"Well, Josh," Staci replied in response to Josh's lip movement. "It appears that the others did not appreciate my family's achievements. Did you know that my great-great-granduncle Chester invented the sofa? Before him, family gatherings were boring and uncomfortable. Furthermore-"
Above the stage, Beardo watched the show, annoyed by Staci's lies. To avoid hearing Staci's fraudulent response, Beardo started squawking in the same way the teacher from Charlie Brown did in the cartoons. The squawking could be heard over Staci's slanderous speech, which caused the audience to laugh.
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Go ahead..." Josh replied.
Geoff stood up and walked away. Rather than going to the bathroom, he went backstage, where Ira and Chris are waiting for their cue. Ira's and Chris's faces were disguised by fake beards to prevent Staci from recognizing them. Geoff looked at the two men, confused about what's going on.
"Get down!" Ira whispered.
Geoff scratched his head "Why?"
"Just do it!" Ira pulled Geoff down and hid him behind himself and Chris.
Back at the stage, Staci rambled on about her family as Beardo squawked and Josh listened. Once Josh had enough, he messed with the tie on his tuxedo. Beardo noticed Josh's signal, and at the press of a button... Click! Ezekiel pushed the cage door open and escaped. Ezekiel pounced at Josh, angered about his confinement.
"Holy Herobrine!" Josh yelled.
"Don't worry!" Staci rolled up some newspaper into a makeshift bat. "My great-great-great-great-grandpa Arthur taught Theodore how to hunt feral animals!" Staci ran to Josh in an attempt to rescue him, but an angry Ezekiel turned around and growled at her. "Oh shit..."
Ezekiel knocked Staci's newspaper bat and leaped at Staci. Staci yelped in fear as Ezekiel attacked her, which provided a cue for Ira and Chris to jump into the action. As Staci tried to pull Ezekiel off, she took a look at the "animal control officers." Is that... Chris? Staci thought. "Could you hang on, guys? I'm trying to get this beast off of me!"
"No worries." Chris said in a Russian accent. "We got this under control." Chris and Ira both shot at the two combatants, only for their darts to hit Staci.
"Hey! Don't... shoot... me...!" Staci grew drowsy and fell unconscious thanks to the darts. Her large body fell and let out a loud thud.
"The bigger they are..." Ira took off his fake beard. "The harder they fall."
Chris removed his disguise as well. Ezekiel turned to the pair and growled. Ezekiel slowly approached the pair, much to Chris's fear.
"Ira... We gotta get out of here..!"
Ira ignored Chris and simply applauded Ezekiel.
"What are you doing, Ira?! Are you trying to get yourself killed?!" Chris hid behind Ira, watching Ezekiel approach the pair, until...
"You thought it was cool?" Ezekiel stood upright.
"I think you'd be nominated for an Academy Award with that performance." Ira and Ezekiel bumped fists with each other.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Geoff walked to the group. "Did Ezekiel just talk?" His eyes widened when he saw Ezekiel standing up. "And he's standing upright? What kind of sorcery is this?!"
In a confessional, Ira and Ezekiel are in the room together, talking about their relationship.
"Ya know, Ezekiel and I are first cousins once removed."
"Yeah." Ezekiel nodded. "My mother and Ira are first cousins."
"You see, after we rescued Ezekiel from the ruins of Camp Wawanakwa, we further looked into Ezekiel's recovery, plus we decided to work on Ezekiel's acting skills. The problem is, Ezekiel may randomly switch into his feral state on his own."
Back at the scene, the recording of Celebrity Manhunt is about to be wrapped up.
"So, what will happen to Staci?"
"Watch and learn, Geoff." Ira pointed at Staci.
On the other side of the stage, the nurses dragged an unconscious Staci to the backstage area to hide her from the cameras of the studio. The nurses then strip Staci down to nothing and prepared a pink butterfly straitjacket for Staci. The butterfly straitjacket is unlike normal straitjackets; rather than sleeves, it had pockets designed to keep the wearer's arms folded in. Once Staci was in the straitjacket, the nurses placed a pair of ballet boots on her feet and a hood over her head: all of which are precautionary measures in the event that Staci wakes up.
"What are they doing?"
"Those girls are some of my employees. You know the holiday that Josh told you about?"
"What about it?"
"Bridgette is actually at Universal Restraints Inn."
"The kinky hotel with five-star service on one side and torture on the other?"
"Yep. How did you know?"
"One of my four brothers told me about it."
"As I was saying, Bridgette and Staci are two of the girls of Total Drama. All nineteen girls from the show will spend a two-week vacation together, although they are separated by wing and by room."
"Two weeks?"
"Yep. Long enough to see how the girls and bondage mix. Of course we had to leave Eva out of the bondage business since she is frankly too powerful for the Angel Wing's restraints."
"What can I say? Eva is a monster."
Josh walked backstage, with Beardo following along. "So, how did it go?" Josh asked.
"Things went quite well," Ira responded. "We had to take Staci backstage so we wouldn't reveal her body in front of your audience."
"Good call."
"Yo, Josh. You mind if I borrowed your SFX room? I'm planning on auditioning for Total Drama Pahkitew Island."
"Sure, Beardo. It's upstairs."
"Thanks." Beardo and Josh walked away, leaving Ira, Chris, Ezekiel, and Geoff to discuss matters privately.
"Did you capture all of the girls, Ira?"
"No, Geoff. There is only one girl left, and that girl happens to be Izzy."
"How are you going to manage that?"
"Trust me, Geoff. We'll figure something out."

Author's Notes: Staci was put in the Angel Wing because, well, she needed to be put somewhere. I went with the Angel Wing because although Staci may ramble about the faux achievements of her ancestors, it is possible that Staci was simply overexcited and would've otherwise added value to her team.
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Total Drama Universal Restraints Inn