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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!	By : V021 Category: +G through L > Invader Zim > AU/AR-Alternate Universe-Alternate Reality Views: 2643 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
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I eat food.

Chapter 15: A Kiss Is A Terrible Thing to Waste…

“Is this really necessary?” Gaz asked, fiddling with something in G.I.R.’s head.
Dib ignored her, popping in a contact lens. Even back in the green room, he could hear the shuffle and murmur as the crowd filed into the Hi-Skool auditorium. He let out a little sigh.
“You don’t need to do this,” she continued. “There weren’t any witness…”
He turned and looked at his sister for the first time since they’d left the house. His reply was sharp and bitter. “That doesn’t matter. I’ve done things – horrible, criminal things – and I have to confess. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Okay. So, why not go to the police?”
“Because it has to be this way! I’ve already given it a lot of thought, and the only punishment that fits is trail by the Court of Public Opinion.” Dib slumped a bit. “Besides, I doubt the cops will believe me.”
Gaz shrugged. “Fine. Do you mind, then, if I join the angry mob that forms after you make your announcement?”
“Yeah, sure…Whatever.” Looking like the noble tragic hero, Dib headed out of the green room. The moment he stepped onstage, the crowds began cheering in wild joy and flashbulbs exploded in a blinding burst of lights. Dib made it to the podium and waited until the uproar died down before he began to speak.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming on such short notice. I can see by the welcome that you’re all glad to see I’m back…” He noted that only the host of Mysterious Mysteries seemed genuinely unhappy about this. “You shouldn’t be. In fact, I suggest you start getting the torches and rope ready, because by the time I’m finished, there’s gonna be a hanging.”
Laughter fluttered through the crowd.
“That wasn’t a joke.” Silence hit the room with a leaden thump. Dib took a breath and plunged on. “For years, the world has regarded me as a hero – Savior of All Humankind, according to some. A few of you even call me the Chosen One or think I’m the Second Coming… I’m not. I’m no hero. I’m nothing more than a royal bastard, a disappointment to my family and a disgrace to the scientific community. For years, I have lied to you all! I’ve kept a secret so horrible, so utterly repulsive that it has twisted my private life into a hideous montage of deception and paranoia! But today, I’m coming clean! Today I stand before you all to confess that—”
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” screamed a voice from the back of the crowd.
Dib stared in stunned horror. “Zim?”
“YES! ZIM!” the alien barked, storming the stage. He knocked aside the security guards like flies and grabbed Dib by the shirt, shaking him violently. “YOU ROTTEN LYING MONKEY! You…you told me you wouldn’t do this! You said… you said…”
“Uh, Zim…could we talk about this in private?”
“NO! WE TALK NOW DIB!” Sobbing angrily, Zim released his grip on the boy. “You swore not to tell them! That they didn’t DESERVE to know! They’re SHEEP! Mindless, filthy, unworthy SHEEP! And now I find you here, ready to out me?!”
Dib winced at the innuendo-laden phrase. “Calm down! This…this isn’t what you think, Zim.”
“SILENCE! I know exactly what you’re doing! You’ve waited your whole wretched existence for this day! Well, I refuse to stand by and let you unmask me so I choose to expose myself!”
“Please!” shouted an outraged granny in the front row. “There are ladies present!”
“Look, Zim, I can explain—NARGH!”
Flinging Dib off stage, Zim took over the podium. The grin on his face could only be called ‘psychotic.’ “ Greetings, miserable fleshsacks! I am ZIM! You all may recognize me as the insignificant and perfectly NORMAL human class=SpellE>dirtboy…but it has all been a clever ruse! Behind this INCREDIBLE disguise lurks an elite alien warrior hell-bent on destroying your world! BEHOLD!” With a dramatic flourish, Zim whipped off his wig and contact lens. “Now, quake with FEAR, tiny fools!”
There was a brief silence, then the heckling began.
“BOO!” – “Get off the stage, ya’ jerk!”—“Give use DIB!”—“Aliens ain’t REAL! Dib said so!”
“THE DIB PIG LIES!” screamed Zim, leaping on top of the podium. “He was…uh, He was BRAINWASHED! Yes! I brainwashed the Dib with my SUPERIOR alien technology!” He smiled as the crowd gasped. “And what’s more, it was I who unleashed the cataclysmic cuteness that was Ultra-Mega Peepi upon the city! I also was the mastermind behind every other disaster that has befallen w:st="on">New Jersey! Like that plague of vampire squirrels! And the Thanksgiving Day parade debacle! You know… with those guys and their giant robot fighting the hideous mutated parade balloon-spore monsters… And, uh—I also caused RAISING GAS PRICES! Yeah! And further more, all those freakishly brutal murders lately were my doing too!”
A reporter raised his hand. “Even those unsolved ‘HAPPY NOODLE BOY’ slayings?”
“Especially those!” Zim shrieked gleefully running with it. “And when Dib finally realized what was happening, I laid a trap for him and his fucking bitch of a girlfriend which resulted in the coma from which there would have been no awaking had it not been for Dib’s MEDDLESOME father! Yes! It was I who attacked Membranes Labs and nearly killed your beloved television host Professor Membrane!”
The crowd began to grumble dangerously and a few started passing around pitchforks and readying the torches.
“Wait!” barked the host of Mysterious Mysteries. He turned to Zim. “How can we believe you? What proof do we have that you’re really an alien and not just some nutcase with a freakish skin condition?”
“Oh come on! What kind of moron would crash the Dib’s press conference and public declare he was a homicidal space invader bent upon unleashing DOOM upon Earth unless it was TRUE?!”
While the crowd deliberated on this, Dib jumped back on stage and confronted Zim. “You jerk! You stupid jerk! I wasn’t going to tell them the truth about you being an alien!”
The host of Mysterious Mysteries jumped on this slip. “You mean what he’s saying is TRUE?! And you knew the whole time? Lying to keep it secret all the while knowing what kind of deranged creature was on the loose, menacing the decent, peaceful citizens of Earth?”
“Uh, well…” Frantically, Dib strained to think up a good excuse, but Zim cut him short with a callous laugh.
“Of course he knew!” gloated Zim. “The Dib stink feared that there’d be global panic should you PATHETIC vermin learn the TRUTH! Why do you think he covered it up in the first place?”
“Okay. That does make sense…” muttered the host. “But that still doesn’t explain why you would blow your cover like this! Don’t you have a reason for doing this? Like, I dunno, an ultimatum or manifesto to give? Or is there something you’re holding the world hostage with orbital lasers or are threatening someone of vital importance?”
“Hmmm…You know, I really didn’t have anything planned, but now that you mention it…” Smirking evilly, Zim deployed his spider legs to wade out into the stupidly staring crowd. He debated on whether to snatch a supermodel groupie or grab one of the many foreign dignitaries, then his vicious little eye caught sight of the Perfect Victim.
“HI GRETCHEN!” chirped Zim as he dropped down in front of her.
“Uh, hi Zim?” she replied with a confused little lisp.
“Say Gretchen, have you ever been a hostage before?”
She thought about it. “There was this one time—”
“GREAT!” Without hesitating, Zim wrapped her up in a cocoon of Irken duct tape and, flinging his captive over one shoulder, ran out the door. For a spilt second, the gather crowd stood there dumbly. Then all hell broke loose, with people rushing out screaming as the news crews scrambled to follow the scoop of the Millennium.
Looking extremely annoyed by this turn of events, Dib wearily trudged through the sea of human madness after Zim. It wasn’t had to find the alien, considering that he took every possible chance to create havoc as he ran. The path of random massive property damage lead conveniently to the Bubs Burger Boy Corporate Headquarters. Dib took advantage of his new optics, catching sight of Zim waiting eagerly on top of the giant burger hoisted by an enormous Bubs Burger Boy. Dib frowned. “Oh, for fuck’s sake…”
Dib went into the building and up to the security desk. “Excuse me, sir. Could you direct to the nearest access to your roof? There’s a megalomaniacal alien with a hostage waiting for me.”
“Take the service elevator on your left past the Poop machine.”
“Thanks.”
After a long and boring ride up 77 ½ stories, Dib walked out on the roof and up to the base of the Burger Boy.
“ZIM! Get down from there!”
The alien glared defiantly at him. “Make me, you filthy monkey!”
Groaning, Dib climbed up the Burger Boy and finally staggered onto the burger.
“Why didn’t you fly?” demanded Zim.
“Huh?”
“FLY! Why aren’t you flying to the rescue?! Don’t you care what happens to Gretchen?!” Zim angrily thrust out the girl.
“Yes I care!” snapped Dib. “It’s just that I…eh, well…” He muttered something his breath.
“Could you speak up?”
“I don’t want to talk about it! Now, could you please quit being a moron and let Gretchen go?”
“Not until you answer my questions!” shrieked Zim. “Firstly: why did you lie to me? Not that I ever believed word out of your lying mouths of LIES, but it’s the point! You told me that you hated these people so much they didn’t deserve to know I am the bringer of their eventual DESTRUCTION! Secondly: how come you’re not using your spooky, paranormal powers? And thirdly…what happened to your glasses?”
Dib blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You’re…you’re not wearing your glasses!”
“Oh, yeah.” He shrugged. “Well, I just thought I’d wear the contacts today. Not that I need corrective lens anymore, since I just replace my other eye with a bionic implant. Why do you care anyway?”
“Because!” Zim snapped. “Those glasses are part of who you are! You without glasses is just WRONG!”
“Does it really matter whether or not I’m wearing glasses?!”
“You don’t get it! You just don’t get it! Without the glasses, you aren’t Dib! They’re part of your uniform! And you can’t just change your uniform any fucking time you feel like it! The uniform defines who you are!”
“Look who’s talking!” snarled Dib, pointing at the alien. “You’re entire costume’s changed!”
“That’s different! I was promoted.” Zim turned and ripped the tape off of Gretchen’s mouth. “What do you think? Doesn’t Dib not look like Dib?”
“I dunno…”she mumbled. Her face had turned a uniquely embarrassed shade of dark pink. “Personally, I thought you looked okay with glasses. But you don’t look bad without them either.”
“Useless girl.” Sighing, Zim casually tossed her aside, not caring there it was a 77 ½ story drop to the concrete sidewalk below.
“GRETCHEN!” Leaping into action, Dib dove off the burger after her. They freefall sixteen stories before Dib finally got close enough to reach out and catch her. Right as his fingers touched her shoulder, Gretchen was captured by an unnatural blue glow and pulled away. Dib tumbled in mid-air, watching as Zim hauled Gretchen into his ship with a tractor beam. Cursing vehemently, he twisted about and shot toward the alien.
Meanwhile, watching the events from street level, the host Mysterious Mysteries rounded on his cameraman. “Are you getting this, Ted?!”
“My camera…my beautiful camera!” sobbed the cameraman as he helplessly cradled it in his hands. “Come back, baby! Don’t let it end this way! I LOVE YOU!”
Frantically, the host glanced around for a working camera but all the other news crews were having similar electrical problems. He realized to his mounting rage and horror that Dib, with his obviously electro-magnetic based super powers, had once again thwarted his attempts to gain the journalistic credibility he’d been striving for since he left grad school. “DAMN YOU, DIB! DAAAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Wow,” Zim commented, watching the display below as his arch rival hovered in front of him. “You’re pissing off a whole lot of people today, aren’t you Dib?”
“Shut up! I’m only doing this crap to help Gretchen.”
“Why do you care about her?” sneered Zim. “Is she special to you? Or are you afraid she’s gonna ended up like Mary-Ann?” When he didn’t answer, the alien grinned nastily. “Aw, what’s wrong? Did I make you mad?”
“I’m sick of playing these fucked up games with you, Zim!” Dib screamed.
The alien laughed in his face. “Too bad, wormboy! We’re gonna keep playing until I decide the game’s over!”
“But this is between you and me. Gretchen has nothing to do with it!”
“Does she love you?”
Dib stared in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Does she LOVE you, Dib?” roared Zim.
“I…” Dib scratched his head. “You know, I never really thought about it.”
“I never really thought about it.” Zim hissed in a mocking voice. “God! You’re such a stupid genius…”
Before Dib could ask what he meant by that, Zim reared back and knocked the human into the Bubs Burger Boy. He stumbled to his feet and was about to chase after the fleeing alien when he noticed a crack in the supports holding up the fast food mascot. Dib glanced helplessly between the growing crack and the vanishing ship, trying to decide what to do next. Finally, there was an awful ‘crack!’ and the Burger Boy plummeted toward the crowded street below.
“Fuck.” Taking one last look at Zim’s ship, Dib jumped off the building and propelled himself past the falling Burger Boy. He landed directly beneath it and, in an amazing display of telekinetic prowess, managed to hurl it safely away from the panic-stricken crowd.
The crowd took a second to figure out what just happened, then began cheering their hero. Amid the accolades and cries of ‘Dib ROCKS!’, Dib staggered into one of the news vans parked nearby.
Looking up from his brooding, the host of Mysterious Mysteries glared death at him. “You rotten bastard! The greatest story of my career and your fucking superpowers ruined it! And don’t think giving me a fucking exclusive interview is going to make up for destroying my LIFE!”
Dib made as if to say something, but the words caught in his throat. It was then that the host noticed how sickly Dib was looking.
“Hey, what’s wrong with you?”
“Medic…” was all Dib managed before he collapsed to the floor.
The host of Mysterious Mysteries seriously considered his options for a moment, wondering if he could get away with dumping Dib in the City Cesspool. With a weary sigh, he turned to his assistant. “Aaron, get us to the hospital.”
- - -
- - -
Consciousness seeped slowly back in agonizing drips. Dib groaned and sat up, sniffing down phlegm as he took in his surroundings. It was obvious he was in a hospital room and, given the heaps of get well gifts, he must’ve been out for at least a day. Then again, it may have been hours or may be even months…
It really didn’t matter. Knowing Zim, Gretchen was probably dead by now, yet another victim to the alien’s increasingly violent mood swings. Or maybe…
Dib shook away the thought angrily. Of all the inhumanly vile things Zim could subject a defenselessly innocent girl to, he wouldn’t dare do THAT…would he? After all, he never expected Zim to be capable of vivisecting someone then gleefully displaying his handiwork simply because Dib was dating her. But he had. And now Gretchen was at the mercy of an extraterrestrial madman whose jealousy could make even Othello look like a cuddly Sesame Street skit. What made it all the worse was that Dib knew it was all his fault.
Gretchen didn’t deserve this. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She was always so sweet—dumb, but incredibly sweet. Out of all the people there, why pick her? The most obvious answer would be jealousy, but if so then why not take Zita? Neither she nor Dib ever hide the fact that they had been seeing each other on and off for the past three years. Even a myopic idiot like Zim could figure that out. But he didn’t take the beautiful, popular and rich Zita. No, Zim had chosen sad, homely little Gretchen as his latest victim. Actually, the more Dib thought about it, the more he realized that Gretchen was the only human being that was nice to him before the Fame and the Glory. She’d been the only person who treated him as if he belonged. Gretchen never called him ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’… She always smiled and look shy when he’d say hi in the hallway.
“Does she love you?” Dib growled quietly as it became painful clear why Zim had stolen away Gretchen. “Poor, innocent little Gretchen. The Ultimate Nobody. The girl with a crush on you since kindergarten. And you stupid bastard, you let him get away. If only I had just let the Burger Boy fall… If only Zim hadn’t burst in… If only… If only…” Then he laughed bitterly, staggering to the bathroom.
“The loneliest words you will ever know, ‘If only… If only it were so…’,” he hummed as snatches of an old Meatloaf song came to mind. “The emptiest word that there will ever be: ‘It could have been me. It could have been me…’” Dib glared at his reflection in the mirror. For the first time in years, Dib found himself filled with a righteous anger. “It should have been me, Zim.”
But, despite the urgent NEED to punish the alien for what he’d done to Gretchen, Dib first had deal with another urgent NEED. Once he was done in the bathrrom, he started to go and prepare to inflict some well deserved hurt when a crash with some mad giggling caught his attention. Creaking open the door slightly, Dib peeked out and saw G.I.R. sitting in the floor, its green doggie-suit soaked.
“Hey Master! Wanna play in the flowers with me?!” squealed the robot as it readied to juggle more vases. class=GramE>The was an angry little grunt in reply.
Dib shut the door quietly. If G.I.R. was here with its ‘Master’, then that could only mean one thing: Zim was out there. Waiting.
Right on cue, there was an extreme close up in letter-box format of his eyes as the scene went red with a furious wailing synthesizer music signaling the Bride…er, Dib’s overwhelming fury. With a roar, he leapt out of the bathroom ready to take on Zim with only his savage righteousness and a toothbrush only to recoil in surprise when he saw his visitor was Gaz.
“What?” she asked as Dib stood there gaping. “Can’t I drop in to see you? You are my idiot brother, you know.”
“Right…Wait!” Brandishing the toothbrush, Dib hissed. “The REAL Gaz would never visit sick relatives! Well, not unless she wanted to kill me…”
“Dib, if I wanted you dead, I would have done it YEARS ago.”
“Very clever, but your little ploy won’t work Zim.” Grinning smugly, Dib twirled the toothbrush in his hand. “I must admit that your disguise is surprisingly good, but it’s not good enough! You see, you’ve made one fatal mistake! By letting your idiot minion. tag along, you have unwittingly allowed yourself to be unmasked because the only person an Irken S.I.R. would call ‘master’ must be the Invader it has been assigned! G.I.R. keeps calling you ‘Master’ ergo the only person you can be is ZIM!”
She stared at him, then growled and gave him a swift kick in a certain delicate region. “Okay,” he squeaked, reevaluating his previous statement from his private world of pain. “Maybe you are Gaz. But that doesn’t explain why G.I.R. called you ‘master’.”
“Because when you fried him, G.I.R.’s main hard-drive was fragged and it wiped some of him memory. Once he rebooted, the programming caused him to imprint on the first being he saw: me. Like a duckling.”
“I LOVES DUCKIES! QUACK-QUACK!” Giggling and quacking, G.I.R. launched into an insane little ‘class=SpellE>duckie’ dance. For a climax, the robot somersaulted into the air and landed upon Dib’s head. “Your head still smells like a wet puppy.”
He stared at the robot a moment, then a brilliant idea struck. Dib grabbed G.I.R., grinning madly. “This is FANTASTIC! With Zim’s robot on our side now, we have the perfect means for infiltrating his base and finding out what happened to Gretchen.”
“No.” Taking the robot away, Gaz glared. “You are not going to use him for your fucking Zim hunts.”
“Aww…but I want to be a hound-doggie.”
“Why not?!” gasped Dib. “Can’t you see that we have the advantage now? Zim doesn’t know G.I.R. switched sides! Think of it, Gaz: You and I, together, can finally defeat the MADNESS that is ZIM! And save Gretchen, too!”
“Dib, if you knew what’s happened the past couple of weeks…” Gaz sighed and went to the door. “Forget it. And don’t think of asking me to help you fight Zim tonight. I’ve got a date.”
“But the fate of the—Wait. Did you just say you have a date?”
“Yes.”
Dib stared at her. “Uh, Gaz…this isn’t some bizarre parallel universe, is it?”
She growled angrily. “And what’s so bizarre about me dating?!”
“Nothing…Well, okay, maybe I could see you dating. So, who is she anyway?”
“She? SHE?!” Rounding on him, Gaz went postal. “And what the fuck gives you the right to ASSUME that I’m seeing a GIRL?! Just because I like video games and other masculine past-times doesn’t make me a lesbian!”
“But I always thought you and that Mandy girl were…”
Gaz went cold. “She and I have a professional respect for each other. Nothing more. Besides, I seriously doubt Grim would appreciate it if I started going out with his ‘best friend.’”
“Okay. I get the point.” Feeling as if he were safer ground now, Dib asked, “So, what’s his name?”
“Whose?”
“Your boyfriend’s. He does have a name, right?”
“It’s Todd. And he’s waiting in the lobby, so I’d better—”
“Introduce me to him?” Dib snapped. “You know, so I can at least learn a little about the guy since you think he’s important enough blow off saving the Earth.”
She made a noise half-way between annoyed grunt and bloodthirsty hiss. “Why should I?”
“Because I’m your older brother, that’s why.”
“And that,” grumbled Gaz. “Is exactly the reason why I don’t want him to meet my family.”
“Wait. Are you saying Dad hasn’t met this ‘Todd’ either?”
Looking strangely awkward, Gaz fiddled with G.I.R.’s ears. “Uh…well, they’ve kinda met…um, maybe not really…”
“How old is this guy, anyway?” barked Dib, pressing the advantage. “Don’t tell me he’s one of Dad’s interns! Or is he one of those morons that ‘volunteer’ to play human guinea pig for dear-old Professor Membrane’s latest experiment in eugenics. What would he say about his little girl going around with a test sub—”
When Dib came to, he sat up and quietly thanked the inventor of Flexion frames again for making glasses that could withstand the force of a cybernetically enhanced sucker-punch. It was after several minutes that he realized G.I.R. was staring at him.
“What are you doing here? You’re master left.”
“I know that. But I wanted to take you to met Squee-gee!”
Dib cock an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Squee!” repeated the robot with a huff. “You know, Master’s boyfriend. For a genius you sure are dumb.”
“Are you telling me you’ll take me to this mysterious Todd’s home and introduce us? And what’s the catch?”
“Catch?! Ooooo-EEEIEEE!” Whipping out a ball of tinfoil, G.I.R. started throwing it around happily.
Growling with frustration, Dib grabbed G.I.R. by the head. “FOCUS! You’ll take me to Todd, is that right?”
“Yep.”
“And will you help me convince him that he must never see Gaz again?”
The robot gave him an innocently confused look. “Never ever again?”
“NEVER, G.I.R.! NEVER!”
It frowned. “I don’t think Master would like that very much. She really, really, really, really, really, really likes Squee.”
“Yes, but Todd is—uh, he’s a very bad man! A very, very bad man.”
“Like Johnny?”
Dib was a little disturbed by the hateful way G.I.R. said that but wasn’t about to let this chance slip away. “Yes, G.I.R. Like Johnny.”
“Follow me.” The robot rushed out of the room.
Struggling to get his pants on, Dib called out. “WAIT UP! I still need to get dressed!”

(a/n: And so ends another chapter of Happy Smiley. Tune in next time when we’ll have a demonically possessed house, bands of roving naked mole-rats, and a drunken Zim. Well, maybe not the naked mole-rats…)
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The Happy Smiley Dib Show!